What Do I Have to Do? by Kelly Mullins
Summary: Jack reflects with the help of a song and an eccentric restaurant.
Rated: PG13
Genres: Song!fic, UST/Friendship
Original Archive Date: 2003 Jul 6
Warnings: None
Series: Between Love and Duty
Chapters: 1 | Word count: 1128 | Completed: Yes | Published: Sep 01, 2009 | Updated: Sep 01, 2009 | Read: 2499
Story Notes: Between Love and Duty I: E-Mail: Kelly.Mullins@verizon.net

Web: http://www.geocities.com/musicgrl72/kellyf.html

Spoilers: D&C , and very small for Upgrades.

Sequel: Put Your Arms Around Me to follow.

Summary: Ja

Disclaimer: I can promise you I don't own SG-1 or anything by Stabbing Westward.

Authors Notes: The song is 'What Do I Have to Do' by Stabbing Westward... it's kinda suicidal sounding... dark, bleak, hopeless.

Thank You: Jay and Cathey from SJ chat!!
Chapter 1 by Kelly Mullins
Today was hell, plain and simple. Our mission was hellish, the debriefing was hellish and of course my time spent with Doc Fraiser was well... hellish. I down the drink the waiter hands me and tell him to fetch me another, I chose this restaurant because it caters to the younger, more eccentric crowd- no chance of ever seeing someone from work here, and of course all of their music matches my dark mood. A new song starts sounding like something from the late 60's and then changes, I hear the words and hang my head... this is *my* song about *my* life.

*You make it hard to breathe

It's as if I'm suffocating

And when you're next to me

I can feel your heartbeat through my skin

It makes me sad to think

This all could be for nothing

I wish there was a way

For you to see inside of me

I've never felt this way

About anyone or anything*

The mission was like most others: trees, animals, friendly folks... but then it started to rain, and it got cold and we had to sleep in the rain as the Stargate had been buried under water and debris from a flash flood. The earlier mentioned 'friendly folks' ran off somewhere saying the rain was their punishment for talking to us 'outsiders'. So there we were, freezing our asses off and soaking wet with no way of getting to the Stargate or changing into warmer clothing. So Carter got the brilliant idea of conserving body heat by sharing sleeping bags, that was all fine and dandy with me, I would take Daniel and Carter could get toasty with Teal'c, of course that wasn't to be. Teal'c and Daniel were out before Carter and I could turn around, and I thought Teal'c meditated or something instead of sleeping.

So there I was with the woman I have 'feelings' for pressing up against me in all the right... er wrong places. She was warm, very warm, and I could feel her breath against my neck, it just made my shivering worse; I could tell she was asleep, but of course I couldn't allow myself that, she doesn't know how much I truly want her and I didn't want my body to betray me more than it already had. I love Sam, more than she knows, or maybe she does know and she's just humouring me by sticking around and playing the perfect Major; not straying too far from me, but definitely keeping her distance. I can never have her and I know that, I really know that. The waiter finally comes with my drink, he's kindly brought two this time, I give him a weak smile and look out the window across the dark restaurant to the palpable darkness beyond, it's raining here just as it was on the planet, only here I have no chance of being with Sam, I'm not good enough for her, I have no chance of loving her as I'd like to.

*What do I have to do

to make you happy?

What to I have to do

To make you understand?

What do I have to do

To make you want me?

And if I can't make you want me

What do I have to do?*

We got home about five hours ago, it took a very long time of showering and blow drying and re-showering before I was confident that I had gotten rid of all the mud that had found it's way into places I don't even want to think about. Sam and I had woken up simultaneously this morning on that planet, the look of horror when she opened her eyes to meet mine was one of the most painful things I've ever witnessed, true we were tangled up precariously but her eyes... she thought we had crossed that line, the one we've both pulled ourselves far away from. Ya know, that whole Zat'arc thing gave me some strange sense of hope, that Sam might really have feelings for me, and even though we could never act on those feelings it was nice to know that when I go out there I'm going with someone who truly cares about me. But now I'm not so sure, we've grown apart, we bicker more and she seems to be spending less and less personal time around me. I've let her down, I let my judgment be clouded by my feelings for her and now I'm paying for it with the friendship and unrequited love I have for Sam, she's disappointed in me, I could see it on her face during her retest with the Zantac detector- I am not the perfect Colonel she thought I was, I didn't do what was the best for the team, I did what I wanted to do and that was die with the woman I love, I understand why she's disappointed in me.

*I know exactly what you're thinking

But I swear this time I will not let you down

I'm not as selfish as I used to be

That was a part of me that never made me proud

Right now I think I would try anything

Anything at all to keep you satisfied

God I hope you see what loving you would do to me

All I want is one more chance, so tell me

What do I have to do to make you love me?*

I want to love her, but considering her reaction to finding herself tangled with me this morning, I believe I am on the bottom of her totem poll. The rest of the mission today was mainly unburying the Stargate from under the massive amount of mud and rubble, Sam never even looked at me... and I sure as hell tried to get her to. I wanted to see her smile, to hear her laugh... that sweet snicker she tries to hide. I wonder what it would take to get her to want me, to need me, to make her truly happy. I don't know, but I'm willing to take the rest of my life to find out, I don't know what else to do with my life any longer, without her I have found I am a dull, lifeless person who sits in dark restaurant surrounded by people 30 years younger than me, I'm at the end of my rope and have found I can't climb back up with out her help.

*What do I have to do

to make you happy?

What to I have to do

To make you understand?

What do I have to do

To make you want me?

And if I can't make you want me

What do I have to do?*

END!!
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