Joy by Squacco

Sam Carter stepped out of the shower and wrapped herself in a towelling robe. Crossing to the mirror she used her sleeve to wipe away the steam and, pulling back the robe, examined her left breast. Gingerly she touched her fingers to the angry red scar that marred the otherwise pale skin.

Actually the wound looked worse than it truly was; there was little pain now, only a dull deep-seated ache that tended to develop towards the end of the day. Janet had assured her that even the scar would fade, given time.

Sam shrugged and moved into the bedroom to dress. It had been nearly two weeks since her near fatal injury. She had spent the first five days in the infirmary but had eventually been allowed home. For the last week she'd been on downtime; today was to be her first back at the SGC.

She was certainly looking forward to returning to work; she didn't cope well with enforced inactivity and, truth to tell, she missed her teammates. Well that'd be one teammate in particular, if she were being wholly truthful. True, she'd had visits from Teal'c and Jonas since she'd been at home and both Janet and Cassie had spent an evening with her - but she had seen nothing of her CO. She was saddened by this, but certainly not surprised. Teal'c had told her that the Colonel had decided to spend his downtime in splendid isolation at his cabin up in Minnesota. It was his way of dealing with difficult situations - he didn't exactly run away, but he did distance himself, both physically and emotionally.

And, Sam had to admit; the situation was difficult. When they'd both thought that she was going to die they had given voice to feelings that, though previously acknowledged, had been successfully suppressed for years. Feelings that they'd managed to bury so deeply, that when they had finally been allowed to surface it had been like taking the cap off an oil well. There was no way of ignoring what they had let loose, and certainly no way of putting it back. Now they would have to deal with it - but Sam wasn't sure that she could.

She sighed, pushing the problem to the back of her mind for now. For the moment she had another, more pressing one to deal with - getting through her final medical check up so that she could be cleared for more than just lab work.

*******************************

Sam made her way directly to her lab once she had entered the SGC. She knew that there would be a lot of stuff to catch up on after being away for the week, and her appointment with Janet wasn't for a couple of hours.

She was soon quite happily engrossed in checking her e-mails and finding answers to various queries left by her science staff colleagues.

She became aware that she was being watched. She knew exactly who it was without even looking, though she wasn't certain for how long he'd been watching her. She knew that he'd be leaning nonchalantly in the doorway, a mixture of unease and anticipation on his face. Without turning to face him, but suppressing a tingle of something...excitement? fear? She wasn't sure. She spoke.

"Morning Colonel" she said as evenly as she could.

"Carter" She could hear the smile in his voice "How ya doin'?"

She let out her pent up breath slowly and finally turned to face him, keeping a tight control on her suddenly tumultuous emotions.

"Fine Sir" it came out a little huskily, she cleared her throat self-consciously "and you? How was Minnesota?"

"Oh, as lovely as ever...quiet" he seemed a little confused, shy even "yeah, very quiet."

The conversation died between them, as they were both caught up in each other's gaze.

"Carter, we should..."

"Sir I'd better..."

They spoke simultaneously, then stopped, embarrassed. Sam felt herself flush.

"Sorry Carter, you were saying?"

"Er yes, Sir. I need to go to the infirmary. I have an appointment with Doctor Frasier; a final med. check before I can be signed back on duty."

"Oh, sure, of course...off you go then. I'll er...catch you later. Yeah, that's it...later" He gave her a brief wave and wandered off out of sight, leaving Sam feeling anything but calm. Once alone, she let out an explosive sigh and buried her head in her hands. 'Oh God' she thought 'C'mon Carter, you have to deal with this - but maybe not now'. She shook her head and made her way to the infirmary and her appointment with Janet.

*******************************

"Well Major, all things considered, I think you've made a remarkable recovery" Janet Frasier smiled at her friend. "Everything has healed nicely. You may still get a little pain for a while yet - let me know if it gets too bad and I'll give you something for it."

"Thanks Janet, but it hasn't been a problem, I'm sure I'll manage."

"How have you been sleeping Sam? Janet asked "any nightmares, broken sleep?"

"No, none to speak of. I feel pretty good actually and I'm looking forward to getting back to work."

"Well I think that can be arranged. I'll let the General know that you're fit for duty, though I'll be recommending that he sends SG-1 to known friendly planets only for the next few missions. Just until you're back to full strength."

"Okay, I'll go with that. Just so long as I'm not confined to my home I'll be happy, believe me." Sam grinned.

"Sam?" Janet asked tentatively " can I ask you something?"

Sam nodded, a little perplexed by her friends question.

"Now this is off the record, purely as a friend, you understand. And I guess it's pretty personal so I won't be at all offended if you tell me to mind my own business, but you know it will go no further."

"Janet, now you're making me nervous. What is it?"

"Er, well...I was wondering. While you were injured on that mission, did you er...now how can I put this? Did you and Colonel O'Neill make some sort of declaration to each other?"

Sam immediately felt the blood rush to her face. She hastily looked away from Janet's searching gaze.

"Why?" she whispered "why d'you ask that?"

"Because while he was up in Minnesota, he called me every single day to find out how you were." Janet replied with a grin "and I figured that that went a little beyond the normal concern of a CO for his 2IC."

Sam didn't trust herself to speak. Janet's revelation had touched her profoundly, it was just the sort of thing that Jack O'Neill would do.

"So, do I take it that the feelings that you both admitted to two years ago haven't diminished at all?"

"No, no they haven't"

"Ah, and I sense that this time it may be more of a problem?"

Sam nodded. "Janet we both thought I wasn't even going to make it to the gate. There were things that needed to be said."

"And now?"

"And now, I guess neither of us knows what to do. We can't go back, too much has been acknowledged, and we can't go forward without endangering our positions at the SGC. I just don't know."

"Have you talked about it at all?"

Sam shook her head. "No, we haven't really had the chance."

"Well you must Sam, don't put it off. You both have to deal with this. Look, I want you to know that you have my backing, whatever you decide and that I'll always be here with a sympathetic ear if you need one.

Sam hugged her friend. "Thanks Jan, I really appreciate it."

The Doctor waved her off. "Go on, do it now, before your nerve fails you."

Sam knew that her friend was right. There was no way that she could go back to take up her old position in SG-1 if she was at all uncomfortable being around the Colonel, it was something that could easily put a mission, not to mention their lives, in danger. She also knew that the Colonel would feel the same, so they had to talk things over and set down some ground rules for their relationship - if there was to be a relationship - and Sam fervently hoped that there was.

Janet was right; she had to do this. She made her way determinedly to the Colonel's office.

************************************

Jack O'Neill was actively pacing his room. He felt anxious, confused, hopeful, excited - in fact a whole gamut of mixed emotions that he wasn't normally familiar with. He needed to talk to Carter, to get the situation between them sorted out.

The very idea of talking about his feelings scared the pants off him, but it had to be done, that much he acknowledged, or else they would never feel comfortable around each other. He hated the thought that the special working relationship that he had with Sam might be compromised by their inability to deal with their growing feelings. He didn't really know which way to turn. Oh he knew well enough what he wanted, and he believed that both of them were professional enough to be able to keep their private lives separate from their working one. The truth was he wasn't sure that Sam wanted the same thing, and the thought that she might not was making him as jumpy as hell.

There was a knock on the door.

"Come in."

"Sir?"

"Ah, Major, I was sort of expecting you, I guess we need to er...need to..."

"Yes Sir, I guess we do" Sam said in a small voice, now that she was here she felt ridiculously nervous.

Jack ran his fingers through his hair pushing it up into unruly spikes and causing Sam's fingers to itch with the desire to smooth it back into place.

"Gah!" Jack expelled his breath "can't talk here. Meet me up top 1700 hours."

"Yes Sir" she turned to leave, somewhat relieved at the temporary stay of execution.

"Wait for me in the parking lot?" Jack added.

"Yes Sir".

************************************

At exactly 1700 hours O'Neill strode purposefully across the lot to where his SUV was parked and Major Carter was waiting. The fact that her Volvo was next to his was helpful; any over-observant airman might assume that their meeting was purely accidental, not contrived.

"Carter" Jack nodded to his 2IC.

"Sir"

"Nice evening for a drive, would you say?"

"Yes Sir, if you say so Sir."

"Excellent Major. I'll lead, you follow."

"As ever, Sir"

They climbed into their separate vehicles and pulled out of the parking lot, O'Neill in the lead. Sam had to suppress a grin at the idea of them playing some sort of cat and mouse game to avoid being seen together; really it was quite ridiculous.

She obediently followed O'Neill's SUV, however, pulling in next to him in the busy lot of a downtown shopping mall. It was a good place to choose if you wanted to be inconspicuous.

Jack leaned across and opened the passenger door, patting the seat to indicate that Sam should join him.

After a moments awkward silence, he spoke.

"Well, this is..." he began.

"Embarrassing? ridiculous? scary?" she finished.

"Oh yeah, especially that last one."

She grinned at him and he returned her smile. They both felt themselves beginning to relax - just a little.

"So?" Sam ventured after yet more silent moments.

"So" Jack echoed her "where do we go from here?"

"Well we can't take back the things we said - and anyway I wouldn't want to."

"I'm glad about that." Jack said quietly.

"It's odd isn't it?" Sam mused.

"Odd?"

"Yeah, the fact that saying the words out loud, instead of keeping them locked inside, somehow makes a difference."

"A difference? D'you mean it's changed the way that you feel, or the way you feel about the feelings?"

"Whoa" Sam laughed, holding up her hands.

"Yeah, you know, it's a bit like that Schroedinger's cat"

"What!" Sam's eyes widened in surprise.

"You know - the cat's in the box with the cyanide. At any one moment in time the cat can be both dead and alive. It's only by opening the box that you can find out, but the very act of opening it affects the outcome.

"You're talking about quantum uncertainty" Sam was dumbfounded.

"I knew that" O'Neill grinned.

Sam couldn't help but collapse in a fit of the giggles.

"Jack O'Neill, you are nothing but a fraud"

"Hey, what have I told you about giggling" he laughed at her reaction and there was a definite glint in his eye. "Okay, you got me. I admit to understanding more of what you say than I might previously have let on. It's not a bad practice - keeps people guessing."

Sam became suddenly serious.

"And is that what you want" she asked, "to keep me guessing?"

"Not you, no"

"Who then?"

He didn't immediately answer her question, but reached out and took her hands, holding them lightly in his.

"Sam - is there going to be an 'us'?"

"Do you mean now, or at some time in the future?"

"Now. I think it has to be now, don't you?"

She stared down at their joined hands.

"Yes" she whispered.

"So, we keep everyone else guessing. I promise you it's not so hard, it can even be entertaining."

Oh, Jack I don't know. It seems rather dishonest. It's not the breaking of the regulations so much, I'm not so naive that I don't realise that it probably happens all the time, it's more the fact that we'll be deceiving our friends."

"Yeah I know" Jack sighed "and, no, I don't like the idea any more than you do - but if it's that or nothing?"

Sam shook her head. "I've done the 'nothing' bit for too long - it doesn't work for me - not any more."

"So, do we give it a try?"

She nodded and smiled. "Yes."

"I am so glad you said that, now I don't feel so bad about telling Hammond."

"What! You've told the General?"

"Well yes and no. We had a conversation about a 'hypothetical' situation. He agreed, 'hypothetically' of course, that as long as he didn't know about a 'hypothetical' relationship between two of his senior officers then, 'hypothetically' speaking, he couldn't possibly have any objection."

"Wow"

"So Major, I suggest you toddle off home and I'll pick you up this evening at, oh, let's say 8 pm and we'll spend some 'hypothetical quality time' together." He waggled his eyebrows suggestively, making her laugh once again.

"You've got yourself a date, Sir." She opened the door and climbed out of the car. Giving him a final grin she climbed into her Volvo and drove off, her heart soaring.

Jack O'Neill's face split into a wide grin.

"Oh joy," he said.

THE END