Vesti La Giubba (Put On The Jacket) by Kelly Siegfried

XXXXXXX

To perform - whilst in the throws of this delirium
I don't know what I'm doing or saying?
And yet…it is necessary…I must steel myself!
Bah! What sort of man are you?
You are a clown!

Funny words those are. I mean, leave it to opera to find the perfect ones for every situation. Sure, I'm not some melodramatic stage clown who just found out his wife is cheating on him, but I feel like I'm putting on an act. Not like I haven't done that before, but I never seemed to have hurt so many people in the process.

Everything came flooding back to me while I sat and waited for Maybourne to show, listening to the birds and the stereo as I flipped through the latest edition of Mad Magazine. What, were you expecting GQ or Maxim? Please! I get more out of them now than I ever did as a kid. You start with the Fold-In on the back cover and work your way through….

Anyway, I just thought it was a strange twist of irony that the song happened to be playing while I was thinking about all of the horrible things I had done to the people I considered friends; best friends. I don't like being an asshole. I'm a sarcastic sonofabitch, that much I will admit, but I'm not an asshole. When the assignment came, on the basis of continuing diplomatic relations, I was the first one to say that I didn't want it, that I couldn't alienate my friends just on the fact that somebody was stealing technology. But Thor, in his infinite wisdom and his subtle little charms, was the one to convince me. All he simply had to do was blink those lovable abysmal eyes of his and I was reminded of the link I would always have with him. I was chosen, that much I had to realize. Didn't matter how much I bitched or bellyached, I was the only one Thor would allow; no- want, to solve the issue.

Her Eminence or High Counselor or something Travell from Tollana only agreed with the gray bald-fron one, sealing my fate to a miserable life for a couple of weeks. I think the only remotely pleasurable thing about the whole ordeal was being able to raise my voice to a Two Star without a second thought. In some perverted way, I lashed out at Hammond in a feeble attempt to voice the sickness growing in my gut over what I had to do to a certain three people.

It started on Tollana during the staged barter session. Poor Daniel was trying his hardest, even forcing himself into a tie for the proceedings. And who decided to update Teal'c wardrobe? Never figured the man to look good in anything other than Chu'lak robes. At any rate, I had been sucking it up for all of Daniel's speech, knowing that Travell would reject the idea, spouting more of her technologically superior babble. I vented hard, loud, and stormed out like a little kid, taking along a little souvenir with me. The most regrettable thing of that tantrum was telling Daniel to shut up.

I knew he would object; hell, he's always the first one to object. Sam's governed by military regulations that render her unquestioning when it comes to orders and in some sense, Teal'c is the same way. As soon as he spouts 'uh Jack' and gets that stern look on his face, I know disapproval was going to come out of his mouth. This time wasn't any different.

I'll confess that we've had our share of differences in the past, but never have I told him to shut up. Be quiet, or stop talking, yes, shut up, no. Usually I only do that when he's gotten so excited over something that he starts rambling on about it in generally the most inappropriate times. The only reason why I tell him to be quiet is because I start to think about what he's saying and quickly become distracted. I'm trying to make sure we all aren't going home in body bags and it's not good to try thinking about two things at once when dodging bullets, ribbon devices, or cannon blasts.

The debriefing didn't go much better. Hammond already knew I was going to be a pain in the ass, but the others had no clue. I'm sure if Sam had a choice she would have sat in the next room just to get away from the gloating look I had forced on my face. She chewed her lips and always looked away whenever I happened to glance across the table at her, watching the emotions pass over her face as she tumbled that de-arming device over and over in her hands. The one time our eyes did meet, hers were larger than saucers and radiating her disappointment. God, I hate that look. At one point Hammond cornered her about how we obtained it and she squirmed in the chair, trying to decide whether to rat me out, or make excuses. More than anything I hated putting her in that position.

It didn't take much to make me cocky, already being on a roll from Tollana. Arguing with Hammond was just the icing on the cake. We were both used to head butting with each other, and even if it was staged, we got into it. It had to be convincing and it was. Sam croaked out a 'yes sir' when he told her to take it back and I'm sure I nearly gave myself an aneurysm with all the yelling I did, watching out of the corner or my eyes as she rolled back her chair from the table a few inches. She was feeling betrayed right along with Daniel and Teal'c and I wished to God I could tell her, to let her know that I wasn't really believing what I was saying when Hammond relieved me of duty.

I'm glad Teal'c isn't a physically emotional man. If he were, he probably would have snapped me in half in the hallway as he was taking me down to the infirmary. He stood by silently like a large Jaffa shadow during the entire time Janet poked and prodded me, a little bit more viciously than usual. I'm sure she had heard the news through the base grapevine before I even set foot in her infirmary, and was probably just as pleased about it as the rest of my team was. Methodically she did her job, offering none of her usual topics of conversation. Usually she gave me the latest run down about what was new in Cassie's life or asked me when I would be available to take my adopted niece to a hockey or baseball game.

Nor did I bother to help and offer any myself. Making a crass comment in typical Jack O'Neill style, I buttoned up my shirt and planned on leaving. Little did I know that my Jaffa shadow wasn't about to let me do that. He's not exactly a guy you'd want to meet in a dark alleyway, with or without Junior. Standing at parade rest, he successfully blocked the door, concentrating on an unfocused point on the opposite wall. I knew I was pushing the limits of his tolerance, especially when he told me he didn't understand my behavior. Join the club Teal'c. If it weren't for my good buddy Thor, I wouldn't have been put in the situation that could potentially separate my head from my shoulders.

And wouldn't it be my wonderful luck to run into Sam on the way to Hammond's office? She was trying to put up a brave front, making an attempt to see if anything had changed. I didn't give her more than just a harsh mention of her name as I passed by and I can only imagine the looks that she exchanged with Teal'c. But knowing Sam, she'd try to get more information out of me, and she did.

She looked so belittled, like I had severed whatever was left of our relationship and kicked her in the teeth. I knew things were strained since I returned from Adorra, and this just seemed to break down what remnant shreds of resolve she had. She was hurting and I didn't make it any better. No, I just drove the knife in a few inches more and gave it a jerk in a couple of different directions.

"No Carter, I haven't been acting like myself since I met you. Now I'm acting like myself." I can still hear those words that I said as I leveled my eyes on her, voiding my face of any expression. Quickly spinning on a heel, I trotted up the steps, deeply regretting having to say something so mean to her. Under other circumstances, I would have meant it as a complement…well, at least the first part. She has changed me in so many ways since that first meeting before the second Abydos mission, that I really haven't been myself. I haven't been the old Jack O'Neill that Daniel met four years ago for a very long time. I've enjoyed the past three years of working with her, playing poker, getting brain damage over her scientific explanations, or watching her get excited about some new physics gizmo. I've had my life in her hands and vise versa, and that will never change. Maybe sometime when our situation changes, I'll try to include her in more of my life, the wonderful woman she is. Of course assuming she forgives me. Women hold grudges for a very long time; that much I learned from Sara.

I did what any man who just destroyed his career would do; retire. 'Course I really didn't retire like I did after the first mission to Abydos, just kinda acted the part. Somehow I just know Hammond would have loved to send me to Leavenworth just for kicks or at least hang it over my head to keep me in line down the road. The grocery list of my trespasses was just scratching the surface, not even including things prior to coming to the SGC. I hung up my boots for a pair of Nikes and my BDUs for khakis.

Bored out of my freaking gourd. I lost count of the number of chess games I played with myself after about five, and for the lack of anything better to do, I started drinking beer like it was water. At least that fogged the guilt I was feeling. Even devised a couple new ways to hold the longnecks. Yes, I am easily amused. And you know you have way too much time on your hands when you've cleaned and arranged everything you own twice, including the tools in the garage, and that was all in the first two days of this 'forced retirement.'

I figured somebody would make the attempt to reach out to me, to get some idea of what had been going on in my head. Secretly I had hoped it would be Sam so I could slip her a few clues that it was all an elaborate scheme to find out who had been stealing technology. Then again, it was probably a good thing that Daniel showed up at my doorstep instead because I would have told her flat out what was going on just to avoid the look in her eyes. Daniel's wasn't much better.

Trying to be as blunt as possible when I opened the door, I acted like I didn't care about him or anything anymore. Frankly, I missed him. Hell, I missed all of them. I missed the pile of paperwork sitting on what used to be my desk and I never thought I'd be one to say that. He asked me for a beer and I let him in, more than likely just to have another body, another voice in the house. I knew he would start asking questions, after all, he's Daniel, and it just seemed like a matter of time before I would have to do something so horrible to him that he'd leave. I really do hate myself sometimes.

I guess it was a good thing that I had been on a non-stop bender since my dismissal or I wouldn't have been able to say the things I did to him. To see the look in his eyes and the forced smile on his lips as I slammed him and our friendship probably hurt me more than it hurt him. After all, it's a part of Daniel's nature to forget and forgive, on most things anyway. I could only hope this would be one of those times.

I fed him some half-assed line that Hammond and I had cooked up about a second command base and he thought it was a case of hurt pride that made me do the things I did. I suppose he was right in a way. If there were ever going to be a second base, I would want to be in command only because I've had the most experience with the gate besides Daniel. Of course it would probably kill me not to command a team and push a pencil everyday, but when it meant defense against a Goa'uld incursion, I guess I can buck up and play desk jockey.

'Protecting ourselves' has always been a motto of mine even back in the days of Senator Kinsey's investigation. But I also believe, to a slightly lesser degree than Daniel, that we can learn more from the cultures we meet from interacting with them, not just by stealing their stuff. No matter where we evolved, we're all the same on the base level. I finally figured that out on Abydos with Skaara. I still think about that whole exchange when I was trying to find Daniel and smile, remembering how frustrated I was as he and the shepherd boys mimicked each movement I made. Drawing a hand down from my forehead to show hair, circling my fingers against my eyes like glasses, even pretending to sneeze until Skaara realized what I meant. His eyes lit up like the Abydonian version of a Christmas tree and put his hands under his armpits to flap his arms about like chicken wings. Yeah, the Chicken Man. He took Daniel's vest from my hands and held it up to Little Bit's nose, using the mastadge like a bloodhound. Smart boy and he made me realize just how similar we are.

Watching Daniel get that little 'let me clarify' look where his brow creases and he pouts, as I rambled off this new adopted doctrine of mine to steal first and ask questions later, broke my heart. Hearing him tell me that he guessed that he never knew me at all ground it up into little pieces. I've told him more about myself than I've ever told any of the others, letting him into the little secret part of me that is privy to a very select few. He knew about Charlie and Sara way before Sam or Teal'c did. But I had to do it, I had to drop him hard, and I did. He forced a strained smirk on his face as I basically told him our friendship was a load of horse shit and never was more than mutually parasitic. That we tolerated each other to serve our own self-centered goals and made nice to make sure it kept happening.

He stood and grabbed his jacket, turning his back to me without even saying good bye. I didn't expect him to. The ultra-naive Daniel I had met four years ago would probably have argued with me until he was blue in the face, telling me that I really didn't think that way, that the things we had shared were more than a façade, but he's matured like we all have. Or maybe he's just learned how to bottle things up better. He studied from a master, let me tell you. I thought of him driving back to the base, the tears brimming in his eyes behind the glasses as the tension choked his throat, mumbling a curse I'll probably never hear directly from his lips; fuck you too, Jack.

So I went back to the routine; beer, chess, beer, chess, trying to imagine what other men my age do when they're forced into early retirement. Couldn't have been any more than a few hours after I had semi-pickled myself with something harder than beer over the session with Daniel when someone else rang my doorbell. I hesitated, thinking that it might have been Sam, coming to make me wish I had never been born. Or better yet, the contact I was hoping would get the hint and get the show on the road. It was the latter.

Opening the door to see Maybourne's weasely little face and his two NID spooks made me sick to my stomach, even more so that when I realized what was going to happen in order to pull this farce off. It was all I could do to restrain myself, to keep from grabbing him by that pressed uniform to slam against the door. There's a scientific principle out there that Sam told me about a while ago. The name escapes me at this particular moment, but the gist is that when all things are considered the conclusion that you have the most evidence for is most likely the right one. Ockham's Razor or something like that. I knew Maybourne was dirty, there was no doubting that, but I never thought he'd contact me personally.

I also know that the man is dumber than a box of rocks on most days of his life, so I shouldn't have assumed that things would have been any different. I don't know how he ever got his birds, probably for doing nothing more than figuring out which butts to kiss and plastering himself there. At least he was kind enough to have Lieutenant Spook One and Captain Spook Two move away from the door, but I was not letting him into the house. He said what I figured he would say and pulled out a business card. I could have ended it right there, beaten the crap out of him until he told me who was the mole, but I had to find that out myself. That was the deal I had made with Thor.

I sat on that card for a week, not even moving it from the spot he had placed it on the table. I didn't want to seem too eager because even if Maybourne didn't have the intelligence to figure it out, maybe one of his goons did. Somebody had the presence of mind to surveill me, parking a Buick Regal two houses up the street. The whole place was probably bugged from the minute I brought back that Tollan device so I didn't bother to use the phone much more than to order pizza.

That night before paging Maybourne, I went into the one room that I figured they didn't bug, the bathroom, with a pen and pad of paper thoroughly disguised in a magazine. Having bugged my share of apartments, hotel rooms, and houses in the past, I knew where to look, running my hands along the cabinets and fixtures for anything that seemed rough or misaligned. Confident that I hadn't been heard singing in the shower or worse, I closed the lid of the toilet and sat down, setting the paper on my thigh and twirled the pen in my fingers.

I owed them all an explanation. A voice in the back of my head told me that if it went sour, I wasn't coming back. That would leave three people very angry and upset with me and I couldn't have that. So I started to write letters to each of them, apologizing for everything I did and wishing them luck on the rest of their lives. Teal'c's letter was the easiest to pen. I knew he would understand when I told him the reasons why I did what I did, all distilling it down to the fact that we were both soldiers.

Apologizing to Daniel seemed a bit harder. I just couldn't find the words that would take back what I had said to him and not make it sound contrived. Not able to think of anything else, I just started telling him about what he had done for me. He took a self-hating man who was more than willing to die and made him want to live again. Daniel opened my heart and my mind to more possibilities than I had seen before and for that I'll be eternally grateful. Sappy I know, but hey, I'm allowed a few moments in my lifetime.

Sam. What the hell was I supposed to say to Sam? Gee, I'm sorry I made you feel like shit, but I really didn't mean any of it? Sorry we never got to have that arm wrestle? I now know that wormholes have nothing to do with worms? Smiling to myself I finally knew what I was going to write; I was going to appeal to her sense of humor. No matter how much I had messed up in the past, I always managed to get at least a smile from her when I made an ass of myself for her benefit. I usually knew she had forgiven me if I got a smile and a small bow of her head as if she was trying to hide it from me. In pure adolescent flirting style I told her that she had full permission to run over my prone body in a humvee as many times as she wanted to make her feel better. I could see her smiling, wide and bright, those blue eyes shining maybe even brimming with tears as she read my letter. I wanted to see her one last time, to see that smile in real time. But I guess I'll just have to make due with my memories.

Put on the jacket and whiten your face.
The crowd has paid and wants to be amused.
And if Harlequin has stolen your Columbina,
Laugh, Clown, and they will applaud!

I heard the doors shut to the Yukon and three pairs of probably brightly polished shoes crunch on the gravel before Maybourne came into my peripheral vision, encroaching on my peace and quiet. I had been sitting on my porch for half a day, contemplating what I was about to do and my half-dead plants sitting on the railing. At least I had made him sweat a little, not knowing if I was going to decide to join his little rogue outfit or not.

The man really does disgust me. How can he have a brain in his skull and still believe the things he does? I prodded him for answers but he didn't do more that fancy side stepping. Can't say that I blame him. After all, I'm known as a loose cannon and very unpredictable. That was the whole reason why I had been brought in on the Stargate project anyway. The powers that be wanted somebody who wasn't afraid to die and take a few of the enemy with him. I had stalled for as long as I could, finally Maybourne leaning over to ask me if I wanted the commission or not. Licking my lips, I reached over and turned up the volume on the stereo a few notches, finally getting to the good part as Domingo belted it out.

Make a joke out of your heartache and tears,
A funny face out of your sobs of pain…
Laugh, Clown, over your shattered love!
Laugh over the pain which is poisoning your heart!

Sucking down what little bit of self-preservation I had left in my body, I told him I was interested. The triumph on his face radiated and I looked down into my lap. One of these days, Maybourne, I will wipe that cheesy grin off your face with my fist. He came closer and I wanted to escape, but I had to see it through. I hoped he didn't see my sudden panic when he confirmed my suspicions that I could either go along with it or 'disappear,' as he called it. He gave me a chance to back out, and man did I ever want to take it, but I agreed.

"Let me grab my bag, Harry." Standing on very shaky legs that I am so glad didn't give out, I turned off the stereo and folded up the magazine. Picking up the phone and the rest of my stuff, I walked into the house and took my time putting things away. I had packed the bare essentials; a change of clothes and my bath kit were sitting on the couch waiting for me. Grabbing the bag, my hand strangled the handles until the knuckles were white, casting one last glance over at the mantle.

Laugh over the pain which is poisoning your heart!

That line kept repeating in my head. I would if I could, let me tell you. Behind the frame to one of the display cases for my metals I had placed the letters, knowing that if anything happened to me, somebody would find them. I just hoped they got to the right people and that all would be forgiven. With a final few thoughts, I locked the front door behind me and buried the keys in my pocket, climbing into the back seat of the Yukon with Maybourne.

Danny, Sam, Teal'c; I love you guys. I didn't mean any of it; I hope you understand that.

The End.