Memory Serves by Amalgam
Summary: Sam has amnesia. Yeah, that's all :)
Rated: PG13
Genres: Drama
Original Archive Date: 2002 Oct 15
Warnings: None
Series: None
Chapters: 6 | Word count: 11007 | Completed: Yes | Published: Aug 30, 2009 | Updated: Nov 25, 2017 | Read: 12885
Story Notes: It was brought to my attention recently that there was a problem with this story - it seemed to be incomplete. The problem should now be fixed! My point is that it's not a "new story" ;-) I know the 'memory' thing has kinda already been treated in episodes like Beneath the Surface, but this story came to mind and I just had to write it. Also this is UST so don't expect a full blown romance and a very happy and fluffy ending. You have been warned :)

FEEDBACK: YES! Please! I'm craving to know what you think! Go on, make a girl happy!

SPOILERS: Children of the Gods, Matter of Time, In the Line of Duty, Divide and Conquer…I think that's it, but not necessarily in that order. So basically all you need is a general knowledge of the show.

SEASON: five-ish…It doesn't really matter. Pre-Meridian though

1. Chapter 1 by Amalgam

2. Chapter 2 by Amalgam

3. Chapter 3 by Amalgam

4. Chapter 4 by Amalgam

5. Chapter 5 by Amalgam

6. Chapter 6 by Amalgam

Chapter 1 by Amalgam
She opened her eyes slowly, trying to avoid any more of the dulling headache her coming to had provoked. Her vision blurred for a moment so she closed her eyes again, only to reopen them again with more conviction. Looking around, she took in her surrounding and noticed the medical equipment around her and recognized the beeping sound of the monitor just beside her bed. She must be in a hospital of some sort, she realized, and yet she couldn't figure out why people would like to go to a hospital where the walls were a dull gray and the lighting insufficient, as if the builders were still trying to figure out how they would paint it. Of course, she thought, usually people don't go to hospitals because they like it, so why was she here?

The door of the room swung open and a small woman wearing a white lab coat came walking and rushed at her side with a warm smile.

"Hey, how are you feeling?" She asked with a soft voice.

"Where am I?" Her own voice seemed rusty compared to the woman's and she frowned, trying to clear her throat a little.

A slight frown touched the doctor's face, but her warm smile didn't waver as she replied. "You're in the infirmary." She noted something on the pad she was holding and looked up at her again. "So how are you feeling? Any pain? Headache?"

"Yeah, headache." Her voice sounded clearer this time. "What happened?"

"You fell and hit your head in the process, no wonder it hurts. You had a minor concussion, but I'll give you something for the pain. Should go away in a few minutes." The doctor explained as she walked over to a red phone and picked up the receiver. "General Hammond, she's awake." Was all she said before turning to her again. Still smiling, she came back to her bed and checked the monitors to be sure everything was ok.

Feeling exhausted, the woman on the bed closed her eyes again and listened to the woman fussing around. A few minutes later, the sound of footsteps entering the room made her open her eyes again. The first thing she saw was a tall man, good looking, greyish short hair pointing in all directions and wearing military trousers and a black t-shirt. Damn good-looking she thought. A pang of recognition flashed in her head (she knew this man) as her eyes locked with his brown ones. But then it was gone. She couldn't tell who or what he was. He looked down at her with relief and a little concern, his fingers unable to stay still as they tapped on his thigh. There were other things in his eyes too; eagerness, longing, affection, pride, but she wasn't sure if she was supposed to see those emotions in his features, she wasn't sure if he wanted her to see them. He crooked up a tentative smile and as she returned it he took one step towards her bed, only to stop when another man entered the room.

He was smaller, but larger, and contrary to the tall man, this one was wearing a complete military uniform; Air Force, the thought sprung into her mind. He walked proudly and decidedly, but when he spoke, she was surprised at the soft tone in his voice.

"Major, how are you feeling?"

Major? Was she military too? She couldn't tell, in fact, she couldn't tell anything, aside from the fact that the ache in her head hadn't diminished at all. She was disrupted from her thoughts by two more men entering the room. One was wearing glasses and had penetrating blue eyes, he rushed at her side with unabashed relief and happiness at seeing her awake.

"Sam!"

Sam? Was that her name? He stopped just beside the bed and smiled down at her. And then she looked at the last man, a very tall and very strong-looking man, dark skin and dark eyes, a strange golden tattoo on his forehead. This one seemed calmer than the others but still happy to see her as he bowed his head gracefully in acknowledgment. The woman doctor started briefing them on her current state of health, but her mind wandered without listening.

She was starting to feel uneasy. She had no idea who these people were, but from their reactions to her awakening, she could affirm that they knew her very well, otherwise they wouldn't show as much concern towards her well-being. She looked at every one of them with confusion clouding her thoughts, and again her eyes fell on the tall man. He was listening attentively to the doctor, and then, as if sensing her eyes on him, he turned to look at her. He raised an eyebrow at her staring, but she merely frowned, trying to remember why he was so familiar. She had the feeling she had met him at some point before, but she couldn't remember the circumstances.

"Carter?" He suddenly asked, silencing the doctor in the process, and all turned to look at her.

"If…If I may, I'd like to speak to the doctor…alone." She said quietly, trying not to sound too harsh on the men in her room. Some of them exchanged glances, but the tall man shrugged and looked at the bald man.

"Very well," this one said with the voice of a commander, and they all left the room and closed the door.

"Sam?" The doctor asked when they were alone again. Reading the tag on her chest, she saw the doctor's name was Janet Fraiser. Obviously none of them had noticed her faltering memory, how could she announce to any of them that she didn't recognize, let alone know them?

"I…ah…" She managed to breathe, "I can't remember anything." The shock on Doctor Fraiser's face was noticeable, but she still managed to ask the next question with an amazing calmness.

"Wh…What do you mean?"

"This is not a joke, I swear, I can't tell who I am or where I am or who these people are. I don't remember anything." She choked on her own words and all she could do was whisper the end of the sentence.

Doctor Fraiser closed her eyes momentarily, but when she opened them she forced a smile to her lips. "Okay," she said as she laid a gentle hand on her arm, "don't worry, I'll go tell the others, and you get some rest, ok? I'll be back later, this is probably temporary, but I'll run some tests, just in case."

She nodded and closed her eyes, but she knew she wouldn't sleep. How could she when she had no idea who she was?

****

The next thing she knew, she was opening her eyes. So she had managed to sleep after all. She couldn't remember her dream, and it made her snort mentally. How ironic was it that she couldn't remember her dream any more than her entire life?

As she looked around, she was surprised to find the tall man she'd met earlier casually leaning on the doorframe of the infirmary. He was looking down and kicking his boot with the other, as if waiting for something.

"Hi." She said, making him jump slightly. He looked up at her with a smile forming on the corner of his mouth.

"Hey," he replied as he crossed the room to sit on the chair beside her bed. "Ole Doc Fraiser says you can't remember a thing?"

Not knowing how to respond, she looked down, and her fingers found the cover to play with. As if sensing her discomfort, he went on. "Well, how about we start at the beginning? This way I can talk about myself. That's what men do, talk about themselves so…"

A slow smile appeared on her lips and that seemed a good enough answer for him so he continued. "I'm Jack." He extended his hand and she took it, enjoying the warmth of his palm and the way her hand seemed to fit perfectly in his larger one.

"And I'm…Sam, right?" She asked with a frown. Somehow having him here was making things a little easier, but still she felt very, very awkward. As if something was very wrong, and it was driving her crazy. He let go of her hand, reluctantly it seemed, and nodded with a little smile. He cleared his throat and shifted on his seat, but the smile didn't leave his face.

"Yeah, actually, you're whole name's Samantha Carter."

She snorted frustratingly but he didn't move an inch, so she dropped his intense gaze. "This must be weird for you," she said as once again her fingers toyed with the rim of the cover. "I mean clearly you know a whole lot more about me than I do, I don't even know my own goddamned name!"

He took a while to reply, obviously trying to find the right words to make her feel better. "Well, it is weird, I won't lie to ya on that, but doc Fraiser says it's only temporary, so you'll remember everything in no time. And the good thing is, you know your own name now, so can I keep on talking about me?"

Sam smiled and decided to play the game. For all she knew it could make her remember somehow. "Okay so what do you do? I'm guessing you're military." He raised his eyebrows and looked down at himself.

"What gave it away?"

Her smile got wider and her tone playful when Sam answered. "The boots."

"Ah." Apparently he wasn't too keen about talking about himself, no matter how he'd joked about it a minute ago.

"And I'm military too right? The...man called me Major earlier."

"Yeah that was General George Hammond, he's the commander of this base. A good man, but don't tell him I said that." He said conspiratorially, "And you're an air force officer too. We work together."

"Oh."

Just as he was about to add something, Doctor Fraiser came in and Jack sat straighter in his chair. "Hey," she said as she approached the bed. "How's the headache?"

"It's gone!" Sam realized and she smiled at the doctor.

"Good, Colonel," she said as she turned to Jack, "I'd like to have a word with Major Carter alone, for a moment."

"Sure," he said as he got up. "I'll see you around Carter!" He waved and left the room.
Chapter 2 by Amalgam
Jack was having a bad time.

Not only Carter had a case of amnesia, but he couldn't tell her anything either. After he'd left her room earlier this morning, he'd been summoned to see Hammond, only to be told that everything about the Stargate program was to be classified from her until she found her memory again, or until she was back enough not to be a "security risk."

But Jack knew Carter, and he knew that, memory or not, she wouldn't tell anything if she understood how important the Stargate program was, and how important she was to the SGC and SG-1. He'd even argued with Hammond until finally the man had thrown him out of his office.

After several debriefings from Fraiser and her shrink friends, it was decided that Carter's "situation" would be temporary, but they couldn't tell how long it would last.

"You'll all have to be patient with her." Fraiser had said, with that warning look of hers. "And I'm sure Major Carter will need your support now more than ever, so talk to her, remind her of who she really is so she can be it again."

Hammond decided to put SG-1 on downtime during Carter's recovery, so that they would be able to spend time with her, and, for Jack, to catch up on some paperwork. Normally he would have screwed the paperwork and go straight to Minnesota, but not this time. This time he was counting on obeying Doctor's orders and spending some time with Carter. Not that he considered it as a duty. On the contrary. Nothing could be further from the truth, in fact. The truth was, he wanted so much to spend time with her, and it saddened him somehow that it was professionally correct now that she had amnesia while it wasn't ok when she was her normal self. But, he thought as he walked towards the infirmary, Carter's Carter, and he'd treasure this little time with her as much as he normally would.

"You guys ready to go?" He asked as he crossed the infirmary in a few steps. Daniel and Carter were deep in conversation and the archeologist jumped slightly at the sound of his voice. Carter smiled and got up. She'd had time to change since Fraiser had dismissed her and she was now wearing more comfortable clothes – jeans and white t-shirt. Her eyes were still constantly moving and there was such a look of insecurity on her face that all he wanted to do was take her hand and give it a reassuring squeeze. But he couldn't do that could he, he reminded himself bitterly.

"We are." Daniel said as he looked at Carter and then began walking towards the door. They'd made a little schedule for the next few days, determining who would stay with Carter and help her finding her way in her neighborhood. Tonight was Daniel's turn, but Jack had suggested going with them on the first day back home. And Carter had enthusiastically agreed. A little too eagerly to be proper, he'd thought, but he was happy she liked him even when she couldn't remember everything they'd gone through in the last few years. In fact it was quite nice, nicer than he'd ever admit actually.

As they made their way to the elevator, Jack was watching her. He watched as she stared at everything around her, the gray walls, the rather dark corridors, the offices they passed, and she seemed to concentrate on her surrounding only, as if she was trying to integrate everything in her mind in case she'd forget again. It was sad, in a sense. Carter was always so focused on everything she did, it was hard to see her like this, trying to get her life back online without being able to help her. They reached the elevators and walked in and Daniel pressed the button that would take them to the other elevator.

"Wow, how deep were we?" Carter asked as she saw the number of levels there were in the complex.

"Deep." Jack replied with a smile and she returned it immediately, which made his gut lurch in a very disconcerting and unexpected way.

Finally they made it to the top and they signed out, walking in silence until they were in the parking lot. Carter's car was there, next to Jack's truck and Daniel searched his pocket for her keys.

"This is my car?" She asked as she watched Daniel enter the key in the lock.

"No actually it's mine," Jack joked with a smile, hoping Carter would see it wasn't true in his playful tone. "You…have the truck." He added, trying to hide a grin. Actually he couldn't picture Carter with his dirty truck, but the shocked face she made was even funnier. Of course Daniel had to ruin everything.

"Come on Jack, this is not fair, she'll believe everything you say, don't lie to her." He turned back to Carter. "Jack is only jealous because your car is cooler than his."

Jack grinned but feigned hurt as he slapped Daniel's shoulder. At least it made her chuckle, he thought, which was a good sign, she hadn't laughed since she'd woken up the day before. Daniel opened her door, but Jack grabbed the keys from his hand before Daniel had the time to say anything.

"You take my truck." He told him with a smile, "we'll meet you there." Daniel made a face as he caught the keys Jack had thrown his way, but he didn't say anything, which was something Jack was grateful for. Somehow he knew that Daniel understood his desire to spend time with Carter, not that they'd talked about it, but it was like a tacit understanding between them ; Jack cared but didn't want to talk about it, and Daniel knew he cared but wouldn't talk about it until Jack did.

So Jack eased himself in the driver's seat while Carter sat in the passenger's seat with a low whistle. "Wow, look at that car!" She said as her fingers trailed slowly over the board. "I mean, how cool am I?" She added cheekily.

Jack smiled and handed her her sunglasses that were lying on the dashboard. "You have your moments." He replied with a small smile. She smiled and he cleared his throat, trying to forget what that smile did to his insides, he would not go there, he wouldn't go there, he wouldn't…

"I think we can go." She snapped him away from his thoughts and he realized Daniel had already started rolling away, so he looked away from her face while he ignited the car.

"Yeah I believe we can."

Jack drove silently, letting Carter take in her surroundings. She looked amazed, but there was still a constant frown clouding her expression. He couldn't blame her. He probably would feel way more frustrated had the situation been reversed. In fact, he thought, he would be totally panicked and frustrated, and he was sure everybody around him would know that soon enough. But Carter wasn't like that, she was patient, logical, and she knew that there was nothing she could do but wait, no matter how frustrating it was for her to feel useless. He sighed as he shifted the car and Carter threw a look at him through her sunglasses.

"Do I often let you drive my car?"

He was surprised by the question, so he threw her a look, but there was nothing on her face saying if there was a deeper purpose to that question. "Um, no. Actually, this is the second time I sit in here."

She looked surprised and a tag disappointed. "Oh." It was a sign that they weren't as close as she might have first thought.

Realizing she wouldn't say any more, Jack explained. "The first time was when you bought it. You were trying to make your choice between two cars so you invited us and asked for our opinion." Glancing at her sideways, he saw that she seemed perplex. She must have figured there was more to the story than that, Jack mused, and she was right if he was honest with himself. In fact he had omitted the fact that she'd asked *him* to come along, but he had immediately included Daniel and Teal'c. He knew she had been trying to make things like before again, but he didn't want to go back to before. He wanted to go further and the truth was he had turned her down because he didn't trust himself enough not to take it further. He knew if he were alone with her he would do or say something really stupid that would make their relationship even more complicated than it already was. She had been asking for his friendship, but he'd found he couldn't give it to her, because friendship was far too simple compared to what he felt for her.

But no matter how he had felt then, he knew now that his feelings had been selfish. He realized now that things wouldn't - couldn't - go further, and friendship was all he could offer her overtly. Of course deep down, there was more to his actions than friendship, but he was trying his best not to show it.
Chapter 3 by Amalgam
Sam was confused.

Yeah, she was confused and frustrated. Very frustrated in fact. And angry. She hated not knowing anything, she hated having to depend on anyone, she hated this. Not that she'd told anybody how frustrated and tired she felt. No, because they wouldn't understand. Daniel, Janet, Teal'c (where the hell was he from?), Jack and even General Hammond had all been very kind and patient with her, but it didn't change the fact that they couldn't understand how it felt to lose your memory.

Because not only you lose your memory, but you lose your identity as well and Sam couldn't bear that. She couldn't bear not knowing who the hell she was. From what Daniel had told her, she was a very nice person, very smart too. But was that all she was? Smart? He had told her she was an astrophysicist, which was impressive granted, but it didn't change the fact that her profession didn't define who she was.

That's what she needed, she decided. She needed a definition of herself, but who would be able to give her that? For some reason, she doubted her friends knew her well enough to help her in that area.

And what about Jack? She'd felt something when she'd first seen him, a connection of some kind. But when she'd asked him if he often drove her car, he's said no. Which didn't mean anything per se, but he'd looked so comfortable there that she'd wondered if they did more than work together. Him driving her car could have been a sign of some sort of a more private relationship, but then, he would have been a little more…at ease around her, wouldn't he? She'd felt him nervous around her, even if he did his best to hide behind sarcastic comments.

The water of her shower was making her skin shrivel, but Sam didn't feel like getting out. Instead she felt tears in her eyes so she closed her eyelids, trying to bite the moisture back. Jack would be here in a couple of minutes and she didn't want to show him her despair. Somehow she felt that she had to prove how strong she was to him.

Is that tough enough for ya? Or are we gonna have to arm wrestle?

Sam's eyes flashed open. Was that a memory or just some kind of trick from her imagination? No, she remembered clearly having said that. But under what circumstances? She searched her memory for more, but couldn't find anything. Getting out of the shower, she dried and dressed herself quickly and rushed to the living room. The first day she'd come back home Daniel had suggested she kept a notebook where she could note all the little things she'd remember in time. Sitting on the couch, she opened it excitedly. This was her first entry in the notebook, but she knew there'd be more. There had to. She wrote the quote and sat further back into the couch, wondering when she could have said that…

A sharp knock on the door startled her, but she got up and opened the door. It was Jack.

"Hey!" He said with a little smile. "I hope you're hungry, I brought pizza." He added as he showed the white box he was carrying.

"Pizza? It's not even 10."

"So?"

With a smile, Sam opened the door wider and let him in. Taking the pizza from him, she walked to the kitchen while he took off his leather jacket.

"So how've you been?" He asked as he followed her to the kitchen. His tone was light but when she looked closely she saw real concern there.

"Ok, I guess," she replied as she took two plates from the cupboard. It was nice to be comfortable in her own house again. At first she wasn't sure where each thing went, but the more she stayed there, the more it became automatic to open the good cupboards. As she began setting the table for two, she realized he was watching her closely.

"What?" He looked away almost guiltily, but he merely shrugged.

"Nothing." Sam shook her head but decided not to add anything so she let a comfortable silence descend upon them.

"So what did you and Daniel do?" He said after a little while as he took the utensils from her and kept on setting the table.

"We talked, mostly."

"Yeah, you two tend to do that a lot." He replied as he picked some juice from the fridge. Sam smiled at that, remembering how talkative Daniel had been two days before. "Fraiser was here yesterday wasn't she?" Sam realized he was trying to make conversation so she decided she'd help him a little. He sat at the table and opened the box so Sam followed him. He cut a piece of pizza and dropped it onto a plate which he handed her while licking the sauce dripping from his fingers.

"Yeah she was. She came in with Cassandra. And Teal'c showed up later." She replied as she watched him bite in the pizza. She couldn't help herself! He had sauce dripping on his chin but it was kind of endearing so she stared, torn between disgust and amusement. He stopped chewing when he realized she was watching him.

"What, you don't like those dressings?" He asked between two bites. Sam frowned. It was another clue telling her that he didn't know her as a…lover would. She shook her head and smiled.

"Actually I don't know, I guess we'll see." She began eating and realized she was hungry after all. They ate the rest of the meal in silence and when they were done, Sam led the way back to the living room, carrying a mug of hot and reassuring coffee. Jack eased himself on the couch, only to half stand again and retrieving her notebook from where he'd just sat. "Sorry." He said as he handed it to her.

Sam took it and sat in the armchair in front of him. Automatically her fingers opened the book and she read her first memory. Glancing up at Jack, she wondered if maybe he knew what was the memory about. Hell it didn't hurt to ask!

"Can I ask you something?" She said as he took a sip of his coffee. He merely raised an eyebrow. "I think I remembered something earlier, so I noted it down in this book."

"That's great!" He sounded genuinely happy for her, and the fact that he didn't ask her what the memory was was a great sign of respect of her privacy, but she wanted to share this with him.

"The thing is I'm not sure where or when I said that, so maybe you would…?" She handed him her notebook and he took it slowly, his eyes never leaving hers. As he picked the book, his warm and long fingers brushed hers and she felt a shot of adrenaline warming her veins. Jack frowned and snapped back his hand sharply. Carefully avoiding her stare, he opened the book and read the first entry. Slowly, a smug grin appeared on his lips.

"This is the first thing you remembered?"

Sam merely nodded, excited about the fact that clearly he knew what it meant. "And I take it you wanna know the juicy details and all, right?" He added with a mischievous smile.

Sam nodded again but she wasn't sure anymore. She must have made a funny face because Jack suddenly laughed softly - a lilting sound - and he closed the book so he could rest his elbows on his thighs. "You know what? Let's go take a walk." He said softly as he stood.

"Ok but you'll tell me right?"

"You bet."

They walked out of the house and ventured in the little park in front of Sam's house.

"So, who did I want to armwrestle with?" She asked as they walked, breathing in the sharp, fresh air.

"Ah…me, actually." Sam stopped, an incredulous smile forming on her lips.

"What the hell for?" She really couldn't imagine herself asking Jack to armwrestle. She realized she was still standing there, gazing at him incredulously until he put a gentle hand on her arm and with a little tug, motioned her to walk again.

"I think you were trying to make a point, really. You said that the first time we met, and I…well…kinda challenged you so you thought you'd do the same."

"That's it?" She still couldn't understand what had taken her. And the way she remembered it, she had said that in a very flirtatious and challenging tone.

"Ok, the truth is," Jack added hurriedly, as if he suddenly felt bad about omitting some crucial parts to the story. "The truth is, I was being a total jerk. So you put me back in my place."

"Oh, ok." They walked in silence for a while and Sam was starting to feel chilly so she tightened her jacket around herself.

"You cold?" His eyes hadn't left the path ahead of him, but Sam could see the same concern as before, and the same attempt at hiding it.

"I'm ok" she lied. The truth was, she was enjoying walking with him way too much to just go home. For the millionth time in the last few days, she wondered what was the connection between them. Clearly there was something, she couldn't deny the way she had butterflies flying around in her stomach every time she saw him, or the way she felt her blood race in her veins when they exchanged a look or when…

"You ok?"

She looked at him and realized he'd been watching her. "Yeah, sorry, was miles away." She replied, trying to hide de fact that she was blushing.

"Yeah, noticed that." He was still observing her carefully, and she had the feeling at that moment that he could read right through her. Hell, maybe he could. "This must be frustrating…" He said at last, opening the subject and she took the opportunity. Even if he couldn't understand, he'd be at least able to listen. And that's what she needed right now, she realized. Not a talkative Daniel, not a concerned Janet. She needed Jack to listen. Somehow she had the feeling she didn't talk often about herself to her friends, so, she decided, it was time to change that.

"Yeah, I think…frustrating is the word." She began as she dropped his gaze and looked around at the beautiful park. "It's just so weird. I mean, I feel a certain recognition and I know I should remember, but I just don't. And it's driving me crazy."

He merely nodded and buried his hands further into his pockets.

"Take you for instance." She decided to get it over with. His head snapped up in her direction and he stopped walking.

"Me?"

Sam nodded and he began walking again, a bit warily, if she could judge from the frown that was clouding his eyes. "I mean clearly we work together right?" A quick nod and a barely audible sigh. "And I guess…we're…friends, right?"

"One could say that…"

"But…" She took a deep breath and decided to take the big step. "But is that it?"

He slowly closed his eyes, as if he'd been dreading the question, and seemed to swallow with difficulty. When he finally looked down at her, Sam realized she'd made a mistake. Had she gone too far? His eyes were so dark and expressing such a sad longing it took her breath away.

Oh God, the thought suddenly froze her, was he married? Three kids, a dog and a pool? After all it was possible, he was a very - very - attractive man and…

"Theoretically," he finally spoke, his voice just above a whisper, as if he couldn't stand saying the words. "That's it."

Sam couldn't believe the pain – the physical pain – his words caused her. She looked away, embarrassed, until she felt his hand on her arm again.

"But if you want the truth…I…ah…God how do I tell you this?" He blurted out, laughing bitterly.

"Jack you don't have to tell me anything if it makes you uncomfortable." Sam said as she placed her hand over his. He took in a shaky breath and turned his hand over her arm so he could intertwine his fingers with hers. But then he shook his head and looked down, still searching for the words.

Finally he glared at her and let go of her hand, taking a step back. Sam watched him back away with a sudden sense of loss and she had the feeling that it wasn't the first time she'd felt this way about him. He was a step away but it felt like a mile to Sam.

"I don't know if you remember this part," he finally said, his voice suddenly coldly controlled, "but there are certain military rules that neither one of us is willing to break. We both know that there's too much at stake, things much more important." He finished, still looking at her his defenses suddenly all up again and his face an imperceptible mask. Obviously this man was a master at keeping a straight face no matter his emotions. And it made Sam angry.

"More important? What the hell can be more important?" She didn't mean to start a fight, but the way he'd just dismissed both of their feelings was bewildering. One second he was all longing and for a moment she had thought she'd seen her own feelings reflected in his eyes, but the next second he was as cold as a stone and dismissing everything she felt with a shrug.

"It's classified." He replied matter-of-factly. Ok, that was it! Sam turned around and began walking again, her blood boiling at her temples. She was vaguely aware that he was following her a few meters behind, but once she crossed the threshold of her house, expecting him to follow, she heard the igniting sound of his truck.

She didn't need to turn around to know that he was gone.
Chapter 4 by Amalgam
This had been a bad idea.

He had known, deep down, that he shouldn't take the risk to be alone with her, he had known he'd do something stupid. And he had.

He understood why Carter could feel the need to clear up things, she must be confused as hell, but he also knew that her normal self hadn't wanted to clear things up when they'd had the chance. And that had hurt. It had hurt a hell of a lot.

And now, what would she think of him? After all, she didn't know how important their work at the SGC was and how the war with the Goaulds was so much more…urgent than…this. He took a long sip of his beer and put it back down on his thigh.

The sound of a car stopping in his driveway and footsteps coming his way drove him away from his bitter thoughts. He didn't need to look to know it was Daniel.

"Hey," he said as he dropped himself on a chair beside Jack's. It was a nice evening and Jack had thought he'd spend it brooding, sitting on his patio. Just him and a couple of beers. But of course Daniel had to choose that moment to make an apparition.

"Hey." He finally replied before taking another sip. He didn't need to offer one to Daniel so he just waited.

"Sam told me you had to leave earlier." Jack was well aware of Daniel's attempt at making him talk, but he really didn't feel like it. In fact, he felt he'd done way too much of that for one day. "What did you have to do?" Daniel went on when he realized Jack wouldn't take him up on his invitation to talk.

Jack turned and looked at Daniel for the first time. "I don't see how that concerns you in any way." He replied flatly, hoping it would make Daniel go away. But he didn't move an inch.

"She seemed pretty upset…" He went on, ignoring Jack's last comment. "Of course she told me she was fine, but I know her better than that. *We* know her better than that."

"I guess." What was his point? Daniel gave a frustrated sigh and leaned his elbows on his thighs.

"Did you tell her about the Stargate?"

Jack threw him his best 'don't take me for an idiot' look but Daniel didn't budge, so he said, "Of course not! I have my orders. I follow them." He shrugged. "Most of the time anyway."

"Don't you think it's time we tell her? I mean clearly she's smart enough to understand. Just because she doesn't remember it doesn't mean that she's not the same person as before."

"I'm not the one to decide Daniel."

"No, I know that. And I'm not asking you to disobey your orders, I guess I'm just asking you to consider Sam."

That caught Jack's attention. "What do you mean?"

"I think you know what I mean. If you don't, you'll figure it out soon enough." He replied cryptically as he stood and started walking back to where he came from.

"What the hell are you saying Daniel?" Jack called after him. The archeologist stopped and turned around but didn't say anything. He shook his head and left.

He just left.

*****

The next morning, Jack was back at work and happy to finally have something to do. Anything to make him stop wallowing about Carter and wishing things weren't so complicated. So for once, believe it or not, he was happy to have a ton of paperwork on his desk. It would be boring but at least he'd be thinking about…something else. Anything else.

As he dropped some additional files and folders on top of the pile already covering his desk, the sound of his office phone startled him. "O'Neill." He answered flatly. "Yeah, I'll be right there." With a sigh he hung up and walked out of his office. Apparently General Hammond wanted to see him about something, and Jack had a bad feeling about this. He really was hoping the General didn't want to know anything about Carter's "condition" because he really didn't feel like talking about her right now.

He shouldn't have been the one to tell her about the regs, Jack thought angrily as he walked. He was way too close personally to the subject to be objective about it, and he knew he'd hurt her. Guilt once again clasped his stomach, and he swallowed with difficulty. But then he shook his head. No, he wouldn't spend the day feeling guilty, he'd done that long enough the night before, today was the time to think about something else, to clear his head.

"Come in." The strong voice of the General replied to his sharp knock. Jack went in and stood. He really wasn't in a good mood and he didn't want to beat around he bush. The General didn't either, apparently. "Colonel, since SG-1 is on leave until we have more conclusive results about Major Carter's condition," what the hell did that mean, Jack wondered, but let the General talk. "SG-13 needs your help. They've run into some trouble on P5J 6V7 and both Colonel Lodge and Lieutenant Williams were trapped. They still are." He finished with a sigh.

"What kind of trouble are we talking about sir?" Jack asked, happy to get some action. It was just what he needed and it was way more fun than paperwork.

"The rest of the team claimed that they were attacked by creatures that could be described as werewolves."

Jack raised an eyebrow. "Werewolves?" Whoa! This was a little more challenging than the usual couple of Jaffas! And a hell of a lot more dangerous.

"I won't lie to you Colonel, this won't be a walk on the beach. If you'd rather stay here and do something else I can send SG-3." The General's face was flat but Jack understood: if you'd rather stay here and spend some time with Carter…

"No sir I don't." Jack replied sharply, and the General nodded.

"Good." He said, as if the cause was solved. "Get SG-13 ready to leave in one hour."

"Yes sir. And I'd like permission to include Teal'c on the mission sir. He could be a good asset to this mission."

"Granted. I have great confidence in your expertise Colonel. Bring them home."

"Yes sir."

*****

Sam was feeling better than she had in days. Her memory notebook was filling up with quotes and events and descriptions of faces and it gave her hope. If her memory was coming back, then she could get back to work and do something. She was bored as hell and just plain tired to just wander around and not do anything, and she couldn't wait to go back to…whatever was her work.

That part hadn't come back to her yet, but something was weird. She remembered some things, but they were things she could only have seen on a sci-fi movie with good special effects; space ships, alien-looking guns and alien-looking people, ancient civilizations and half buried cities. Was she a trekie? Was it possible that she traveled a lot? Was she helping Daniel in his digs? But what the hell would an astrophysicist do on an archeological survey? It didn't make any sense. And it didn't make sense either that Jack would participate to that. She had the feeling he wasn't really big on those kinds of things.

When Daniel had come to see her the day before, Sam had subtlety asked him about Jack, after all she hadn't heard of him since the time he'd come to her house, two days ago. Daniel had told her that he was on a rescue mission with Teal'c and another team, but that he should be back in a couple of days. Sam had shrugged at the time, but deep down she couldn't wait to see him again and apologize for her accusatory behavior. She was now convinced that he had his reasons not to let himself get involved with her, and she also understood that her "true self" probably shared his reasons. Because with feelings as strong as those she felt for him, she knew they had to do something really important to keep her from acting on them.

But what could it be?

The Stargate.

She sharply stood from her chair on the veranda and just waited there, her breaths coming shallower. Her mind was reeling with flashes of things she didn't recognize. The Stargate… It had such a familiar ring to the word that her legs finally decided to take her inside the house and she threw herself at her notebook, scanning the pages for some reference that would trigger her memory. Her eyes fell on a bribe of conversation she had remembered with Jack. The memory was vague, but…could it be true?

"But these wormholes we go through, they're not always there, right?"
"No, they can only form between two open gates."
"What's with the worm part? The worm thing, I don't get that."
"That's a metaphor… We bury our way through the apple like a worm, crossing from one side to the other instead of going around the outside."

Sam looked up from the book, and bit her lips, her mind reeling. She had talked about gates, could it be the Stargate? She knew what a wormhole was, but wasn't it only theoretical? Apparently not… She got back to the book and looked for other entries that could seem significant. Unfortunately there weren't any that she could relate to the word stargate.

She absentmindedly walked to the kitchen and bit into an apple. Maybe if she called Daniel he could tell her more? Deciding it was a good idea, she picked up the receiver and dialed the phone. It was only when she brought it to her ear that she realized she had remembered Daniel's number. With an anxious smile, she waited for him to pick up.

However after seven times, she gave up and hung up, wondering what she could do, or whom she could call. She knew Janet was at work, and she really didn't think she had other important frie…

The sharp knock on the door startled her out of her contemplations, and it took her a moment to realize the person was still knocking. Sharply and urgently. What the hell was going on?

She half walked half ran to the door and opened it, torn between curiosity and dread. It was Daniel, and he looked as if he'd just run six miles.

"Daniel! What's going on?" She asked, an uneasy feeling clenching her gut. Something was wrong, she could feel it. And she could see it on Daniel's face too, he was tensed, his eyes were wide and his face was pale.

"Sam we really need your help." Was all he said, and she decided not to ask any questions right now, so she picked up her keys and followed Daniel to his car, throwing her half-eaten apple on her yard. Once they were in, Sam couldn't help herself anymore so she asked the question again.

"What's going on Daniel?"

He took in a deep breath and, never leaving the road from his sight, he replied. "Teal'c just came back from P5…" He frowned. "From the mission with the rest of the team. They've succeeded in saving Colonel Lodge and Lieutenant Williams but…" He said and he didn't make Sam feel any better. Far from that.

"Colonel O'Neill?" She asked, dreading the answer.

"He's alive, fortunately, but not feeling so good. He's more often unconscious than conscious. That's what we need your help for."

"My help? What the hell can I do? I don't remember being that kind of doctor!" Sam was panicking. She was an astrophysicist! She didn't know how to cure someone gravely hurt! Daniel shook his head and, unconsciously, probably, accelerated.

"You're not," he replied, "but you…have a certain ability." Ability? What the hell was he talking about? Sam was about to ask him just that when he went on hurriedly. "I guess you haven't recalled that part now, but you will. You have to. It'll probably come back when General Hammond tells you everything."

Sam kept silent for a moment, taking this in. She was going to see Jack lying injured and unconscious, and Daniel was telling her she had the ability to help him? Janet was the doctor, not her, how could she help him?

"Does it have anything to do with the Stargate?" She asked abruptly, surprising even herself with the sudden outburst. Daniel looked at her surprisingly, his eyes wide and his eyebrows raised.

"You know about that?" He asked after a while of just gawking at her.

"Not really. I just think I have all the pieces and all I need to do is put them all together." Daniel nodded and concentrated on the road again.

"Well I think the puzzle will be complete way sooner than you may think." He said, and Sam frowned.
Chapter 5 by Amalgam
Jolinar.

The Stargate.

It all made sense now, and Sam wished she'd brought her memory notebook with her. It was as if, suddenly, a blinding light burst into her head and she remembered.

She remembered everything.

From the gift her grandma had given her when she was five years old to the coordinates for Chulack. From the death of her mother to the death of Martouf, and from her first teenage crush to Jack…

Jack.

Colonel O'Neill. The colonel.

Sam sighed as she watched him sleep peacefully, his wounds totally gone. The General had decided it was time she knew the truth - she suspected Daniel had something to do with that - and he told her everything he could in the short time they had. Daniel's description of the colonel's wounds had been a perfect example of euphemism, and it was only when she had taken the Goa'uld healing device and placed her hand in it that the memories had flowed forcefully in her head. She had closed her eyes and faces, conversations and events had all passed through her mind at bullet speed. But finally she'd remembered. And it had been time to do whatever she could to help the colonel.

She understood now what Daniel had meant when he'd told her she had a certain ability; the power left by Jolinar of using Goa'uld technologies. And from what she had understood, it was also their last hope, unless of a miracle. So she'd gone to the colonel's bedside with clenched teeth at the pressure that was placed upon her. He'd looked so pale, lying there motionless that she'd had to fight the sudden feeling of nausea that had invaded her. She'd closed her eyes again, trying to forget her own feelings and exactly what was at stake here, and lifted the healing device above the colonel's chest until she had felt the power flow through her and converge to her extended hand. She'd heard the Colonel moan softly, but Sam had tried not to get disoriented and concentrated on the energy she was liberating through the device.

After what seemed an eternity, she'd felt the flow stop and she had opened her eyes slowly, afraid of what she'd see. First her eyes had fallen on the colonel and she let out a relieved sigh as she saw he was breathing a lot more easily, and the big scratches on his chest, face and arms had totally gone.

She had done it.

Her legs shaking, she had dropped herself on the chair beside his bed, but she wasn't sure if her sudden weakness was due to relief or to the amount of energy she had put into the device. She remembered now that it was probably easier for a Goa'uld to use the devices without exhausting themselves because of the healing properties of the symbiote. But no matter what was the reason, she felt exhausted and let the doctors do the rest of the job. She'd glanced at Hammond, Daniel, Teal'c and Janet and they all smiled proudly and gratefully at her. Then Daniel and Teal'c had escorted her to her quarters where they talked a bit, but then she was so tired she had felt asleep.

When she'd woken up, she'd realized three hours had already passed and she cursed herself for sleeping so soundly. She got up and practically ran to the infirmary, where, she hoped, she would get some news about how the colonel was doing. When she walked in, the room was empty except for a nurse working on changing the sheets of the rest of the beds so she'd smiled at her and walked to the colonel's bed.

He was still asleep but he looked way better, and the colors and the tan were coming back to his face. She sat and, her eyes still fixed on him, Sam smiled, happy. Her memory was back, the colonel was safe, and she couldn't wait to get back to work. Now that she knew the whole big truth, she felt foolish. She'd confronted him with his own feelings when she knew now that she had been the one dismissing everything.

None of this has to leave this room.

She closed her eyes, remembering the hurt she'd seen in his eyes when she had said that and realized that it was time she fixed that. When she opened her eyes again, the colonel was staring right back at her.

"Carter…" He breathed and blinked twice, as if he thought she wasn't real.

"Yes sir, I'm here." She said softly as she brought her chair closer to his bed. She smiled but he didn't return it. In fact he was more serious now than she had seen him in the last couple of days.

"You remembered." It was a question, but Sam winced at the accusatory tone in his voice.

"Yes sir. I'm back." He finally looked down and closed his eyes for a moment. After a few minutes Sam thought he was asleep again, and she was ready to leave him in peace when he spoke again.

"I'm sorry." He said, and Sam felt her heart begin thudding in her chest. "I'm sorry I hurt you, when you asked about us." His eyes were still closed, but Sam knew he really meant it. Sitting on the edge of her chair, she bent over and leaned her forehead against the side of his head, her eyes closing on the tears she felt dwelling behind her eyelids.

"I'm sorry too." She whispered in his ear in a shaking voice and she felt his warm hand take hers so she gave it a gentle squeeze. He sighed and Sam brushed her forehead over his temple, covering their fingers with her free hand. They stayed this way for a while, her forehead against his temple, none of them saying anything, until Sam heard footsteps coming their way. Sitting straight in her chair again, she let go of his hand reluctantly and he opened his eyes. She nodded almost imperceptibly, trying to tell him that she meant everything she'd just done and he returned the nod until Fraiser's voice over Sam's shoulder startled her.

"Colonel, how are you feeling?" She asked as she checked his pupils with the penlight.

"I feel fine. Great, in fact. Especially considering what jumped on me on that planet!" He said bitterly.

"Yes," Janet replied with a small smile, "Teal'c debriefed us all on that. You were injured very severely Colonel. We thought we had lost you for good this time." The colonel raised an eyebrow and glanced at Sam with a question in his eyes.

"So what happened? I'm not feeling any pain or anything." He said and automatically checked his toes to make sure they were functioning properly.

"You can thank Major Carter for that!" A voice from the doorway announced and General Hammond walked more fully into the room until he was beside Sam. "She saved your life, Colonel." Sam looked away from the colonel's gaze, feeling embarrassed, and smiled briefly at the General, feeling her face getting a reddish tint.

"She does that every day sir." The Colonel replied and, realizing what he had just said, looked at the General. "I mean, she does that everyday in the SGC." He cleared his throat and Sam looked down at her feet, trying to hide her smile. Did that really mean what she thought it meant? "So how did you do it this time?" He asked, and Sam looked up when she realized he was talking to her.

"I…um…I used the Goa'uld healing device." She said, not really sure about the way he was going to react to that. She held his steady stare and finally he nodded as his eyes held hers.

"Thanks." He said at last and she smiled, but still feeling embarrassed, she suddenly had the need to leave the room and be alone for a little while. Everything had just happened so fast in the last couple of hours that she felt she was still under the shock and she really needed time to clear her head and make things straight again. Just as she was about to excuse herself, Daniel rushed into the room closely followed by Teal'c, and they practically ran at the colonel's side, which gave Sam an opportunity to leave without appearing rude.

She excused herself and the General dismissed her, so with a last smile in the colonel's direction, Sam left and went directly to her quarters. She closed the door and, leaning her back against it, she closed her eyes and sighed heavily.
Chapter 6 by Amalgam
After a few good hours sleep, Jack was feeling in great shape again. Fraiser examined him closely, but there was nothing to examine anymore, thanks to Carter. So when he was discharged from the infirmary, he decided to go see how Lodge and Williams were doing. They were in pretty bad shape when Jack and the team had found them, and they were now recovering at the USAF Academy Hospital.

When he got there, both men were sound asleep, but the doctor told Jack that, thanks to him, they were going to live. He just sat there at their bedside for a little while, thanking whoever was out there that let him take them home safely. He didn't know them personally, but he did know that they had families, and that was something worth coming back to alive.

And hell, he was happy to be alive too. He didn't have a family to go back to - kudos to myself, Jack thought bitterly – but there were…other things worth being alive for. His work, his team and…Carter. He had to admit it to himself, she was a good part of the reason why he kept fighting the war with the Goa'uld. So that then they would both be free and they would have accomplished something together.

Jack smiled humorlessly. The way things were going, it was much more probable that something would happen to one of them before the end of the war, take the last mission he'd gone to as an example, he almost hadn't made it.

Sighing, Jack stood and left the room, and then the hospital. He really needed to see Carter, he wanted to thank her properly and, even if Hammond had told him a little of what she had done to save him, he craved hearing it coming from her. So he got into his truck and drove to her place. He knew she was there, she'd already left the SGC when he had woken up, and now there was some light in the house. He walked up to her porch and knocked. As he waited for her to answer, he looked around himself and spotted the park where he had told her about the regs, and where he had hurt her with his stupid bravado. She had told him that she had forgiven him, well, not in so many words, but Jack needed to mak…

The door swung open and there stood Carter dressed in black pants and a white shirt, a cooking utensil in her hand.

"Sir!" She said, sounding surprised. Her eyes were wide and for a moment she just stood there, glaring at him.

"Hi." He said finally and it seemed to snap her out of her surprise because she smiled and opened the door wider, inviting him in. He walked in and she closed the door, and he watched as she put her spatula on her coffee table. Then she turned to look at him.

"So…I thought you were still recovering." She said, and Jack thought she looked nervous. Well, he was too, so they were even.

"Yeah well, I'm ok now, thanks to you." He replied with a small smile. As expected, Carter deflected the praise with a little move of her head, but her smile did get wider. "And don't tell me it was nothing, because I know how much you hate using these things." Jack added before she had a chance to dismiss her actions. Her smile faded a little, but she nodded and looked into his eyes. Jack felt his stomach make a somersault as he held her stare.

"Well, it's not like I had to use the ribbon device," she explained with a little shrug, never leaving his eyes and Jack thought he would die of need to touch her. His hands were twitching in his pockets to just reach out and take her hand, or touch her face, or just hold her in his arms, but he didn't move. Instead he stood straight at a satisfying distance from her, and he just took the opportunity to watch her.

"And I did it to save you." She added after a moment, and Jack's eyes fell on her mouth. He found himself wanting to kiss her, to tell her how grateful he was to her that he was alive, that because of her he could keep on loving her in his own fucked up way, no matter if he had to do it from a distance. But he didn't move. His eyes went back to hers and saw that she was pleading him to do something. Hoping he had read her correctly, Jack crossed the few feet between them in two steps and gathered her into his arms, holding her tight. She tightened the embrace by circling his neck with her arms and she buried her face in his neck, the warmth of her soft breath on his skin making him shiver.

"Thank you." He simply said, squeezing his eyes shot, and he felt Sam do the same as she placed one of her hands in his hair. God this felt so good. He never wanted to let her go, but a little bugging voice in his head told him that he would have to eventually. Yeah, eventually, he replied mentally to the little voice and kept on holding her against him, savoring every place their bodies touched and the way she smelled and the way she seemed to melt against him.

Finally they slowly pulled apart, but Jack didn't have the strength to let her go completely so he gently took her hand and intertwined his fingers with hers. She smiled sadly into his eyes but didn't take her hand away as she sat on the couch and Jack followed her. He sat at a safer distance from her but kept her hand in his as he placed them on his lap.

"So what are you doing here?" Carter asked after a little moment.

"Well I just went to the Academy Hospital to check up on Lodge and Williams, and I thought I'd stop by to see how you're doing."

"Stop by? Sir your house is totally in the other direction…"

He smiled at her discovering his excuse to come and see her. To tell the truth he hadn't really expected her to buy it, so he decided to go and be honest. "Actually, I wanted to see you." He said as he looked down at the floor, his fingers slowly caressing the back of her hand. "I wanted to thank you for saving my life."

"You're more than welcome sir." She replied with a little smile and gave his hand a little squeeze.

"And I also wanted to ask you…what made you find your memory again?" Carter's smile faded and she looked away, suddenly not looking so comfortable. He was already regretting asking the question when she slowly took her hand away and Jack sighed softly.

"Daniel came here and told me you were hurt, but I had already remembered a good part of things, I just didn't know how to put everything together. So when we got to the SGC Hammond told me about the Stargate and how you were injured, and mostly how I had once been a host to Jolinar. It all explained a lot in itself, but when I took the healing device…I don't know…Everything just went into place and I could access any memory I wanted or, in this case, needed."

"So that's how you remembered how to use the healing device." Jack deduced, watching her carefully. She was now resting her elbows on her thighs and her hands were joined together in front of her, her knuckles turning white at the pressure of her admission.

"Yeah." She nodded and turned to look at him again. "I'm glad it worked." She added seriously, her eyes gauging his face. Jack smiled and nodded.

"Me too. And I'm glad you're back." He said. Holding her stare again, he could see how relieved she was, and also how everything seemed so clear in her head again. Obviously she wasn't fighting the same inner battle he was, so before he'd do more stupid things, he got up and slowly made his way towards the door. Feeling slightly disappointed, he could only hope that it didn't show on his face.

"Sir," Carter called out and he turned around, his heart skipping a beat when the thought that he could have been wrong jumped into his mind. Taking in the way she was biting her lips, he realized she was being nervous again, and it only made his heart thud louder in his chest. "I was just about to get some supper, care to join me?" She asked lightly, but her eyes were pleading him to stay and reassuring him that his feelings were more than mutual. This time he saw she was battling with herself just as much as he was.

His breath caught in his throat and he found he couldn't say anything, so he just stared at her, torn between the desire to stay and never leave, and the bugging feeling that it was wrong. He swallowed and looked down for a few seconds, really not knowing what to do.

Finally his reason won the inner battle and he looked back at her. His answer must have shown on his face because her shoulders suddenly slumped and she closed her eyes. But then she was back at herself again and she smiled.

"Have a good night, sir." She said and Jack could have sworn there was a genuine sadness and a bugging resignation in her voice, but he knew he was doing the right thing. Wasn't he? He nodded almost imperceptibly and she replied in kind.

Then he turned away again and left, the tight grip on his heart tightening as he walked away. But one day, when he'll have decided that he'd had enough of Goa'ulds and sacrifices, he would take her up on dinner, and he would ask her to come fish with him again. Even though he couldn't do so now, at least - at least - now he had hope.

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