What Should Have Been - Working Out the Regrets
Autumn was starting to take shape over my environment; the leaves were turning yellow and brown, a chill was running through the air, blowing the already fallen leaves away. Too bad it couldn't blow my regrets away, take everything I've stupidly done over the years and leave me with the chance of doing, it all over again in the spring. Every week, six o'clock at night on a Sunday, Linole will ring to see how I am, tell me about her new toy or babbling about nothing important to me, but something that'd got the seven-year-old thinking. Carter will say her piece at the end of the call, the reminder of Linole's upcoming birthday, Daniel's message of 'Stupid Idiot' (being relayed by Latin) and the subtle hint that she misses me.
Sitting on a stool in the garage, the radio playing away in the background, giving the atmosphere of a real garage. Cleaning a spanner with a rag, my eyes washed over the dusty exterior of my granddad's Pontiac, waiting to be restored for the past thirty-five years. The only thing, apart from the cabin and a reasonable sum of money, my granddad left to me in his will. I never seem to get enough time to work on the poor car, sitting in a tin can, a quarter of the way down the track road from my cabin. Making excuses to myself of 'I'll do it tomorrow', 'Need to get such and such before I can do this', really lame excuses but I've become good at giving them over the years.
Hanging the spanner up on the precisely placed nails, I leaned onto homemade worktop, throwing the rag towards the tubs of screws, lining up along the wall of the garage. Scratching at my eyebrow, I stood up off the stool, flicking the switch off on the radio, closing everything down for the night. The past few days, I've been finding myself sat in the garage, or behind the wheel of the car, sitting there with no energy to do anything.
I remember days when I was younger, spending summer vacations at the cabin with my grandparents, leading expeditions into the wilderness, with my brothers following behind me. When I wasn't leading them or breaking up their fights, I'd be sat on the workbench, watching my granddad slave over the engine of this car, fiddling with anything that could be removed easily with his frail hands.
Turning the lamp off that hung on the hood of the car, I rest my hands onto either side of the engine; standing over the last thing my grandfather took great pleasure in doing. But I don't want this to be the last thing, I'll be doing when I'm 86, tinkering with anything my nimble fingers can prise away or detached. My vision, of when I'm that ripe old age, is to be sitting indoors watching 'my' grandkids run round, joining them on their adventures into wilderness. Guess I just don't want to grow old alone, spending my days with no one but myself for company, even I don't like my own company at the best of times.
Pushing the aluminium door across the vast space, a hand on the handle with the other further up the edge of the door, watching the door run along its runner at the top of the door. The spitting of the ever-closing rain clouds, hit against the aluminium, failing in its assault against the tin can to get to the car inside. Kicking a stone out of my path, ambling my way back up the short trek to the cabin, my dreams washing away with increasing droplets of rain. Looking skyward I crossed over the clearing, smiling at the days when I would be on a distant planet, wishing I were back at home yet now, I'm wishing I was out there again. At least then, I'd be able to see everyone on a daily basis, joining in their secret discussions in the kitchen.
Tapping the heels of my boots on the edge of the porch, unburdening me the messy job of cleaning up mud prints, trailing into the freshly cleaned interior of the cabin. Kneeling down to untie my laces, the phone inside started ringing, kicking my boots off with a flick of each foot; I scrambled to my feet and through the glass paned door. Sliding round the corner on the wooden floor, retrieving the phone from its cradle on the wall, sternly I pressed the answer button.
"O'Neill" I said, bracing myself against the stove, panting to get my breath back.
"Hey, Jack. It's Daniel here"
Rolling my eyes at him, I turned to the fridge, opening it while I switched the phone to the other ear. "What can I do for you Danny boy?"
Paper rustled in the background. "Sam's asked me to ring you, and…"
Stopping mere inches from the can of coke, I waited for him to finish his sentence, except the only thing I could hear was paper and the odd curse. Selecting one of the cans from the back, I shut the door with my hip, pulling the ring on the can up with one hand, opening the can with a hiss. Sipping at the cold beverage, a triumph cried came distantly down the phone, activity go on in the background.
"Okay, Jack. Sam wants to know, if it'll be all right if Linole comes to stay with you for a while, a week before her birthday. The rest of us come up and we'll celebrate her birthday there" Daniel managed to say without taking a breath.
Placing the can on the coffee table, I sat down onto the couch, scratching at the side of my face. "I don't see any problem with that. I've got to come to Colorado, in a few days time anyway. If you guys meet me at the academy, I can take her there after my meeting at the academy"
"Sounds like a plan"
"Sure, is that it Danny boy?"
The grinding of his teeth could be heard down the phone. "No. I'll see you in a few days, Jack"
Chuckling to myself, I sat back into the cushions of the couch, holding my can of coke up in the air, like I was about to make a toast. "Bye, Daniel"
"Bye"
The line went dead, ending the call on my end; I dropped the phone to sit beside me on the couch, gulping down most of the cold coke. Relaxing into the couch I rested my feet up on the coffee table, balancing the can on my thigh. It was awfully quiet in the cabin now the phone wasn't ringing, probably the reason I was spending so much of the time now in the garage, the noise from the radio almost compensating for the lost of Linole. The first night I spent in the cabin, when I got back from my trek over the two counties, it was too quiet for my liking. I kept expecting Linole to run into the room, wanting to do something when she should've been in bed, dreaming sweet nothing dreams.
Sitting up alone that first night back, it felt like I lost my whole world, sinking back down into the pit of salvation, I'd sunk to when Charlie died. The reminded that she wasn't really dead, she was somewhere out there, safe in the arms of her mother in Colorado kept me from going under. I didn't know what to do with myself the next morning, wandering round the cabin, sitting on her bed in her bedroom, trying to find something to do with my morning. No getting her up and ready to go to pre-school, no cooking pancakes to make her laugh, and no more tea parties.
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Pulling at the tie of my dress blues, thankfully leaving my jacket in the rented car, stood on the out skirts of the assault course, watching the swarm of recruits, tackle each obstacle, looking out for the ones with that special something. Folding my arms over my chest, I looked over the scores so far on the clipboard, held by one of the Major's, who'd be training these idiots. A few of them already stood out from the others, one in specific was recruit Lawrence, with an average score so far but the qualities of a leader, stopping every time he saw someone else in trouble. Watching the next ten idiots take on the netting, I wished someone were taping this; recruit Bishop hanging by her foot, calling out for help. Hearing the Major beside me cough, covering up his chuckle a bit too late for my liking.
Scanning down the assault course, under the cover of my sunglasses, taking a few steps to my left to get a better view of the other end, where the next wave was waiting to be set on their way. Seeing them lining up, urging whoever's setting them off, to let them run their hearts out, for this special training course, reminds me of gym. Each person trying their hardest, to suck up to the coach, get top marks so they don't have to repeat the year. I was never one of those people, did what I had to do, finding I got a reasonable mark at the end of the year. All my grades seemed to be average, which is good considering I didn't turn up for half of the classes, appearing when I was told there was a test.
With the next wave being set off, I shoved my hands into my pockets, bored already in watching this display of fitness. Hopefully when we start my favourite part of the day, seeing which of these… babies can take down a well train unit, years of experience in battle situations and with the Goa'uld, lead by me. Too bad the bullets are only paint, wouldn't mind seeing some…
"Jack"
Turning round to the voice, I smiled at her stood there, holding onto Linole's hand, dressed in her blues. "I weren't expecting you, I thought Daniel was going to be dropping her off?"
"I just got back from DC, so I told Daniel to stay with his artefact and I'd bring her over" Carter said, letting go of Linole's hand.
Squeezing gently on the small hand, Linole placed into mine, smiling down at her. "How you been?"
"Fine" Linole said, seeming very annoyed about something, watching the young men and women scale the assault course.
Surprised by the short statement, from a girl who can think up five words for a one-word answer, much like her mother who's able to do it in ten. Letting go of her hand, she started over to the edge of the assault course, watching the adults behave like children. Stooping in height slightly, I moved to stand next to Carter, my hands replaced into my pockets.
"I ignored most of the things she says now, she's a bit moody with another baby tooth coming out" Carter said, playing with her hat in her hands.
Acknowledging the small piece of information, with a nod of my head, I pulled my sunglasses off, folding them up to hook onto my pocket. "How come you were in DC?"
"Hammond wanted me to attend, some function he didn't want to go to." She said, clasping her hands behind her back. "It was cut short when the President couldn't attend. Thankfully though, I get a week off from doing anything, except to do some work I should've done ages ago"
"Why don't you… erm…" I said, shyly looking at her, gesturing towards Linole and then to myself. "come join us? There's room for one more, if you wanted to come… I'm not saying you have to come, but you probably should get away from the base, have a break for once"
Her eyebrows rose at me. "From what Linole's told me, there's only two bedroom's. Where'd you expect me to sleep?"
"Well… I could get the camping bed from the garage, you'd sleep in my bedroom and I'd sleep in the living room. Things can easily be made to accommodate you, they always have been"
Hoping for her to say yes, the Major called me over, finding a few yards down the long stretch of grass, the seventy two recruits, exhaustedly gasping for air, sat on the grass. Following behind the bald Major, Linole quickly running to keep up with me, with Carter trying to hang back some, calling Linole over to her. Stopping in front of the sea of heads, all directed towards me, waiting to be told who so far was kick off and could go get showered. The Major started reading out the names, one after another, a single person got up and walked off towards the dorms, heads hung low.
Feeling Linole tug on my sleeve, I knelt down to her height, leaning towards her so she could whisper into my ear. "Pick me up"
Rolling my eyes at her, I wrapped an arm round the back of her legs, picking her up as I stood up, feeling Carter's presence beside me. Pulling the ends of her t-shirt straight, I smiled over my shoulder at Carter, the gesture returned in kind. Holding my gaze with her a second longer, I'm surprised we haven't had our staring thing, which was starting to wear thin when you couldn't do anything, playing musical statues without the music.
The last of the names were called out, nodding my head to the Major, he gave them an hour to get ready for the death zone; no one yet of course has managed to kill me. So I may be a bit big headed about it, but it is a death zone, people lying on the floor, covered in paint, waiting for the last of the veterans to be killed or the rookies. Starting off towards the main building, I studied the people before me, seeing if one of them had what it took to take me out this time, working out that there could be sniper in the air ducts of the warehouse. Did I say I had to play fair?
Waiting by the side of the car, I recognised to be Carter's; I put Linole down as Carter opened the door. "So what's your answer Carter? Fancy spending a week, in the company of man, who has a lot of grovelling to do, to make up for his stupid behaviour?"
She chuckled, leaning onto the edge of the opened car door, one foot already in the footwell. "You think you'd be able to make it up in a week?"
"You won't know unless you come." I said, playing with Linole's ponytail, flicking it around gently.
Dropping into her seat in the car, she put the key in the ignition, widening down her window. "When do you think you'll be done here?" "
Err…" I said, scratching at my eyebrow. "It's hard to say. It might be at least a good three hours, or more if these lot are sneaky something's"
"So, if I go get some more clothes, sort some thing's out at the base, which shouldn't take more than an hour. You can come pick me up from my house?" She said shutting her door, turning the key in the ignition, the engine roaring as my heart fluttered.
"You might as well take Linole, she'll get bored…"
"No, no, no. I wanna stay with you, Jack" Linole said, clinging onto my leg, looking up at me with her blues.
Sighing at her relentless to leave me, I looked to Carter to see her shrugged at me, dropping the car down into gear. "See ya later"
Watchful of her as she pulled out of her spot, waving to both us she drove off, tooting her horn some distance away. Walking the short distance to the main building, my change of clothes waiting for me, I pondered what I was going to do with her, for three or so hours to keep her occupied. Holding the door opened for her, I feel myself grinning, marvelling in the thought of a second chance.
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Straddling the bench in the changing room, taping padding to the small frame of this child, playing with the clip for her homemade holster, she'd complained she didn't have one when she saw what I was wearing. Ripping at the tape, I smoothed down the end of the tape, looking for anywhere else she made need some padding. Placing the reel of tape behind me on the bench, I laughed silently at the sight of her; thankful for all the help the others gave me earlier. Someone had voluntarily given up a pair of BDU pants, cutting the ends off to make Linole a pair to the right length. Another had lent us a shirt, most of it was tucked into her pants, with her sleeves cut to length. A bandanna had been advised, Carter would not be amused if her child came out of this, with a red/blue splatter of paint on her daughter's blonde hair.
Getting up off the bench, I picked up the modified paintball gun, and the kiddie's gun someone happen to have in the trunk of their car, checking over both of them, to see if they were loaded with the correct colour's. Linole's orange and mine blue. (It wouldn't be fair if she killed one of the recruits, I'll be so proud if she does). Handing over the lighter and smaller gun, I chuckled again at her, still wishing for video camera. I'll have to see if someone's got one around here, this is too good and too funny to miss, something to remind her of when she's older.
Hooking the strap of my gun over my head, I collected the protective glasses off the side, holding my hand out to my newest team member. Shaking away the smile from my lips, I opened the door to the changing room, the door swung shut behind us, joining the waiting 'veteran' team. They all looked Linole up and down, the duct tape covered child, happily holding onto her gun, unaware how cute she's making what she's got on. A few of them chuckled, wandering off the short distance out of the doors, crossing over to the crowd at the main doors of the warehouse.
Swinging the gun round to my back, I walked behind everyone else with Linole by my side, copying my every move with some smugness. Handing a pair of safety glasses over to her, she put them on, making herself look even more adorable. Coming to the edge of the recruits, a few of the female recruits, awed at Linole, some of them came over to get a closure look.
"Is this your daughter, sir?" One of them said, smiling at Linole before looking up at me.
"No, no. She's Major Carter's daughter"
"Oh! We've heard so much about you!" The one who'd knelt down said. "She's always talking about you"
Linole shied away from the over ecstatic woman, hiding behind the back of my leg, while I put my hat on back to front. Nodding at the younger women, the recruits started to be rounded up and put into teams of five. Leaving Linole to clutched at my pant leg, following closely behind me, the veterans not assigning people into teams, took up their already allocated positions in the warehouse. Reaching down for Linole's hand, I led her up some stairs, studying the new layout of the warehouse, deciding where would be the best place in the air duct system, lining around the whole perimeter of the warehouse, I could take out the most of the kids before they click onto my position. Forcing me to move to another opening in the system.
Picking the corner at the top of the stairs, I opened it up and lifted Linole up into it, climbing in myself after her, shutting up the cover. Adjusting the shutters on the cover, allowing me to have reasonable space to shoot the entering recruits and for Linole to shoot when she felt like it. The horn sounded, alerting everyone in the warehouse they were ready outside.
"Now, Linole. When you see someone, come through the door down there, you gotta shoot 'em. If you shoot more than twenty, I'll make you that special sundae, with extra chocolate bits and cream"
The second horn sounded at the same time the first group came in; Linole was firing even before I did, getting two of them in the side of the head. Guess those video games really paid off. Four of them were shot with official kill paint, falling down to their resting place for the rest of the game, while their comrade headed off to be killed by someone else, but not before they took someone out on our team. Linole went off on her own, crawling further up the cramp space, taking position at the next opening. Shrugging my shoulder, I opened fired on the next team, hitting most of them.
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Parking up in the driveway behind Carter's car, I looked across at the still taped child, happily getting out of the car, running off into the house. Getting out of the rental, unbuttoning a few more on my shirt, I shut the door gently, rubbing at my lower back. Crossing over the grass, I wiped my feet on the doormat, hearing Linole telling Carter about her twenty-four kills. Though she cheated by shooting me more than a couple of times, to make up the total. The reason for me, to rub at my lower back and for the orange splatter dyed into my hair. But she had fun that I'm glad for, it took her mind off her wobbly tooth.
Knocking on the door as I entered her bedroom, she was zipping up the zipper on the duffel bag, straddling the bag in the attempt to force it close. Raising an eyebrow at the scene before me, I slid my hands into my pockets, biting the side of my mouth, keeping my mind wandering with a thought. I couldn't bear thinking right now. Getting off the bed, she chuckled down at the bag, pulling the zip finally closed.
"I like the hair" She said, picking her bag up from the bed, hefting it over towards me to drop at my feet.
Consciously rubbing the spot where the paint, had marked my grey hair orange, I pulled a face as I said. "Yeah, two more washes and it should be out"
"Can you take that to the car, while I… somehow cut my daughter out of this thing?"
Nodding my head with a smirk, I picked her bag up easily, returning back to the car. Retrieving the key from my pocket, idly walking across the grass, spying Carter's nosey neighbour across the street, looking through her net curtains. Waving a hand at her, the curtains were quickly drawn across the window, hiding the elderly nut case behind them. Pleased with myself, I opened the trunk of the car, abandoning her bag into its depths, slamming the trunk shut.
Returning back into the house, I closed the door after me, finding them both at the dining room table, Carter cutting cautiously at the black tape. Sitting down in a chair, helping Carter as much as I could, tugging and pulling at the bits of tape, taking most off before Carter finished cutting her out of it. If someone was to stick, some SG-1 patches on Linole's arms, cut her hair to the military standard, she'd be a mini Carter. Smaller than my mini Jack, who wouldn't be so mini now, probably a medium Jack.
"Are you ready to go?" Carter asked, sticking together the duct tape.
Getting up from the chair, holding Carter steady when I nearly knocked her over, I nodded my head. "Yeah, we'll wait in the car while you shut up shop. Where's Linole's bag?"
"Oh" She said, wiping some of the tackiness on her hands, onto her pant leg, gazing off towards the front door. "On the back seat of my car, it should be open but take my keys, they're in the bowl in the living room"
Linole ran off into the living room, collecting the keys with a jangle, running back over to me, handing the keys over to me. Placing a hand on her head, still wearing the bandana, I guided her towards the door, watching Carter take the tape ball into the kitchen, to be deposited in the trash. Bending down behind Linole, I tickled her sides, sending her off into a fit of giggles, failing in her attempt to get away from my tickling fingers. She found out the hard way that I'm worse than Teal'c; he at least lets her run away, I put her on my shoulder and tickle her sometimes.
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Finally getting back to my cabin from the airport, turning the engine off I looked round at the sleeping women, darkness clouding round the outside of the truck, kept at bay by the interior light when I opened my door. Rocking Carter's shoulder, she stirred from her sleep, sheepishly looking round her surroundings. Climbing out of my seat, I selected the front door key, shutting my door quietly. Opening up the back door, I caught Linole before she fell out, scooping her up into my arms. Carter got out on her side, getting their bags out of the back, sharing a smile with me over the back seat.
Shutting the door to the back, Linole stirred slightly, moving to get more comfortable, her head resting on top of my scars. Sliding the key into the lock, I heard Carter come up behind me, pushing the door open I glanced back at her. Moving into the cabin, I deposited my keys on a shelf when I passed them, taking Linole to her bedroom. Nudging her door open, I flicked the light switch on, rubbing at my eyes when I stupidly blinded myself. Laying her down onto the bed, I removed her lent shirt and pants, and her trainers, dropping them to rest on the floor, at the end of her bed.
Juggling with her in my arms, I pulled her duvet down to pull back over her, removing the nearly forgotten bandana. Folding it up to leave on her bedside, I stroke her hair back, placing a gently kiss on her forehead. Tiptoeing out of her room, turning the light out, I shut her door till it was a crack. Rubbing at my hair with both my hands, my hair was certainly standing on ends with the rough treatment. Shaking the feeling of sleep away, I groaned remembering I had to go and get the camping bed from the garage. Pushing down the handle on the closet door, I opened the door wide till it hit the wall, threatening to come back on me as I reached for a torch on the shelf.
Checking the torch worked, I gently pushed the door, leaving it to shut on its own, turning away from it. Hearing a floorboard creek, I looked up to see Carter looking at the pictures on the mantel, smiling over my family pictures including ones of Linole. Zipping up my jacket, recalling the chill I felt in the air, driving back from the airport with my window open.
"I'll just be a few minutes, there should be something for you to drink and some food in the fridge, just help yourself" I said, pulling open the door, watching her turn away from the pictures.
She frowned, moving away from the fireplace towards me. "Where you going?"
"Just down the track slightly" I said, motioning towards outside with the torch. "I'll be five minutes, tops"
"Do you mind if I come along?" She said, placing a hand on her chest, curiously looking out the opened front door.
Shrugging my shoulders, I stepped aside and let her pass, closely following her out of the door, closing the door and turning on the torch. Digging a hand into my pocket, we walked across the clearing in silence, carefully walking down the pothole-ridden track. Glancing at her face, I couldn't help but smile, triumph in my quest to get her to my cabin. So it's taken about fifteen years, including the years before we knew about our feelings. Walking in her lab with the intention of asking her, only to suddenly feel stupid, seeing she had other things to get on with. But I soon worked up the courage to ask her, wanting nothing more than to spend some time with her.
Going back to watching the torchlight, we turned down the track where the trees split, the garage independent outside light, shining brightly in the night, washing over the ground beneath where it hung. Turning off the torch, I handed it over to Carter, freeing up my hands to tug the door open. Holding onto the handle, I pulled the door open so it was enough to get through, sliding my hand up, the inside wall of the garage, to turn the lights on. Stepping into the cover of the garage, I let Carter wander off, climbing the ladder up onto the second floor, stooping to stop banging my head off the metal rafters.
Immediately finding the bed, hiding behind some boxes, clearing them out of the way, I pulled the bed out of its hiding place, over to the railed edge of the second floor. "Carter, come get this will ya?"
Dangling the bed over the railing, she took it from me, her eyes already stuck onto the thing in the middle of the room, drooling slightly at the corner of her mouth. Climbing down the ladder, jumping down the last few, I stood beside her, amazed that even the Pontiac could get her to behave like this. Prising the bed away from her, she came back to reality, stuttering to say something but gave up, walking off through the gap. Flicking the light switch off, I leant the bed against the outside wall, pushing the door shut. Holding the bed by its carry handle, I jogged after Carter, catching up with her as she turned onto the main track.
Matching her with her pace, she had this looked to her face, kind of her amazed look and her disgusted look. Choosing to forget about it, we stepped up onto the porch; she opened the door and shut it after me, stripping herself of her coat. Leaving the bed to sit next to the couch, I unzipped my jacket, shaking it from my arms, taking her coat from her. Hanging them up in the closet, I placed the torch back up on the shelf, shutting the door while Carter took Linole's bag to her bedroom, checking in on her at the same time.
Rubbing my hands together, I started the task of unfolding the unused bed, fighting to get one third unfolded, having the feeling the other end was going to be the same. Latching down the end when I finally got it to lay flat, I attack the other end when Carter came out of Linole's room, yawning with her hand over her mouth. Pushing the latched down, I stood victorious, proud with my accomplishment. Moving the bed closure to the couch and out of the way, of everyone's gangway if anyone so happened to get up before me in the morning, which I very much doubted since I've always been an early riser.
Untucking my shirt from my pants, I looked to Carter to see her dosing against the shelves, leaning up them with her arms folded. Sighing at the sight of her, I collected her bag and then her, escorting her to my bedroom with her leaning on my shoulder, walking backwards with no help needed. Placing her bag on the floor, I sat her down on the bed, slipping off her shoes. Getting her to stand up, I threw the covers aside, gently aiding her to lie down on the bed, covering her up with the sheets. With a pillow and blanket under my arm, I shut the door to my bedroom; I couldn't wait to get some sleep, already feeling affects coming over me.
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Standing in front of the sink, sipping at my coffee and watching the morning develop; I heard the earlier sounds of movement, creaking of floorboards and the sounds of running water. Still dressed in my blues from yesterday, I waited patiently for Carter to finished whatever she was doing in my room. Entering my bedroom, with her probably getting dressed, would be very unadvisable. Leaning onto the edge of the sink with my elbows, downing the last of my coffee, the door to my bedroom opened, her humming coming into the room behind me. Glancing over my shoulder at her, she walked straight passed the kitchen, diverting herself into Linole's room for a minute or two, drying her hair with a towel.
Pouring another cup of coffee, one for myself and one for her, she came out of Linole's room, still rubbing at her hair, her eyes widening with surprise when she saw me. Holding the cup out to her, I opened a cupboard by my head, knocking the bread down from the shelf onto the countertop. She took the cup with a whispered 'thank you', going off to the sink to look through the window. Taking two slices out of the bag, dropping them into the toaster, I pushed the leaver down while I wrapped the bag up again.
"Your toast will be down in a minute, I'm just going to get showered and dressed. Linole will probably get up in a second, she knows where anything is if you need something" I said, replacing the loaf of bread into the cupboard.
"Thanks"
Nodding my head I left her, sipping at my coffee I entered my bedroom, closing the door behind me. Drinking as much of the scolding liquid as I could, I cautiously made my way round the bedroom, the threat of ruining the dream strong with her clothes on the bed. Leaving my cup on the windowsill, I sat down on the other side of the bed, unaccustomed to doing things on this side of the bed. Dragging my arms out of my shirt, screwing it up to throw in the laundry basket, when I pass it with my other clothes. Kicking out of my pants, they joined my shirt on the bed before being huddled up into my arms, carrying them off to the laundry basket behind the door.
Hopping towards the bathroom, I pulled off my socks, flinging them over my shoulder with my boxer shorts following. Stepping into the shower, I twisted the taps on, cutting myself off to the rest of the room, with the curtain drawn around the small space. Propping myself up the wall in front of me, the water ran through my hair, shaping it to the shape of my head, some of the orange dye running down with the water. Moving my head side to side, changing the path of the water each time, touching the sour muscles in my lower back, from being shot about ten times.
Rinsing the soap out of my hair and off my body, I turned the taps off, my body shivered at the change in temperature. Sliding the curtain along its rail, I selected the biggest towel off the rail, drying myself as I stepped out onto the mat on the floor. Viciously shaking my head of the water, wrapping the towel round my lower half, I came to stand in front of the sink, wiping a hand down the mirror. Plugging the hole up in the sink with the plug, I ran the cold water, getting my shaving kit out of the cabernet, laying my razor and shaving cream can out, ready to be used.
Shooting some of the contents of the can, into the palm of my hand, I rubbed it round my chin and mouth, and over my cheeks. Turning the tap off, I shook the razor in the pool of water, submersing the blade into the cool water. Cleanly shaving away the cream, giving me my desired close shaven look, swiping away at the unwanted facial hair. Washing the razor in the water, I packed everything away into the cabernet before washing my face, cleaning away the unused cream. Drying my face on another towel, I hung it back over the railing, pulling the plug in the sink; I left the bathroom for the bedroom. Rewrapping the towel round my waist, I pulled open a draw and took some clean clothes out, hearing laughter and the TV playing away in the other room. Stopping where I stood, I closed my eyes, smiling at the life that was brought back into the cabin.
Dressing quickly as I could, I comb back my hair with my hands, finding no one in sight when I opened my bedroom door. Rubbing at something that was fidgeting me behind my ear, I turned into the kitchen, seeing them outside. Linole was widely pointing at things, excitedly bouncing around Carter, telling her about certain things and where they lived. Bending down, I pulled opened a cupboard, picking one of the bowls from the stack, pushing the cupboard door shut on its own. Tipping some breakfast cereal into my bowl, I opened the fridge to pour some milk into it, unhooking a spoon from the rack next to the toaster.
Shovelling my spoon into the multi source of carbohydrates, I rambled out of the kitchen, shoving the spoon into my mouth, munching down on the cereal. Carefully sitting down on the couch, I watched some woman tell the news, the logo of the news centre, spinning in the corner next to her head. Adding another mouthful of cereal into my mouth, I turned the TV off by the remote, Carter and Linole coming back inside.
"Jack, mummy doesn't believe me that we swam to other side of the lake" Linole said, bouncing onto the couch beside me, almost knocking the bowl of cereal out of my hands.
Struggling to swallow the munched up cereal, I waved my spoon at Carter, my head nodding to pass the time. "She swam half way, I swam to other side with her on my back"
Whacking me on the arm, Linole climbed over the back of couch, grumbling on her way to the kitchen. Glancing over my shoulder, her head bob up and down over the top of the counter, disappearing down when she got herself a bowl from the cupboard. Filling my mouth with another spoonful of cereal, I smiled across at Carter, collecting another spoon load of cereal.
"Did you sleep well last night?" I asked before engulfing another spoonful of cereal.
She nodded her head, edging forwards in the armchair, leaning onto her knees with her forearms. "Yeah, I feel guilty though, because you're having to sleep on that" She pointed to the camping bed, resting up against the closet door, with my blanket and pillow on top of it. "I can always sleep on it if you want, in Linole's room, and you can have your bedroom back"
Finishing off my cereal, the spoon clank against the side of the bowl, I put it on the coffee table, on top of the magazines. "Nope. Not gonna be happening. You're my guest, and as so, you get special privileges. Even if I'm put out"
"See, you do mind really." She said, her hand gesturing towards me. "I really wouldn't mind sleeping…"
"Carter, quit it. You will not be sleeping on that damn bed, you'll be sleeping in mine." I said, getting up off the couch, clearing my empty bowl from the coffee table. "Anyway, I've got some things to pick up in town, d'ya wanna come?"
"Sure"
Smiling down into the bowl, I turned the corner into the kitchen, squeezing passed the terror and her mess over the counter top. Leaving the bowl next to the sink, I handed a cloth to Linole and got one for myself, clearing her mess away onto my hand and then into the bin. Frowning up at the chuckling woman, she quickly disappeared towards the closet door, shifting the bed from in front of it to get our coats out. Wiping down the countertop, I pushed Linole out of the kitchen, putting everything into the sink, ready to be rinse and put into the dishwasher when we got back.
**************************************************************
Parking up in front of a convenient store, I got out when a truck passed by, joining the other two on the sidewalk. Poking my sunglasses further up my nose, I looked at the store and then along the others to the auto-parts shop down the road. Fiddling with my wallet in my back pocket, I scratched at my forehead, stepping out of the way of some passer by's. Carter took a step closure to me, bumping into me when the other people, were relentless in moving out of the way. She blushed realising her hands were on my chest, giving us both some comfortable room with two paces back.
Spying Linole with her face plastered up the window, I said. "Can you go into the store, get some groceries and stock up on some ice cream for muggings? I've got to go down the road and pick a part up. I'll leave the truck open if your finished before me. Put whatever you get onto the tab, they know Linole so it won't be a problem"
Mock saluting me, she smirked tugging her daughter into the store, holding onto the back of her coat. Leisurely walking down the sidewalk with my hands in my pockets, I nodded my head in greetings to those people I recognised, and people who took the time to say hello to me. It was nice to go somewhere and get recognised, not because of what someone's read in my file, but from knowing me to be a local over the years, used to seeing my face around town.
Knocking on the door I entered, the bell rung above my head, drawing my attention up to it while I shut the door. Hearing whistling coming down, one of the aisles behind the counter, I placed my hands down onto the glass case, spying over parts and tools that were displayed inside the case. Jeff's hands came into my view, travelling up his arms to his face with my eyes, I smiled at my favourite man in front of me.
Jeff was the sort of person that if you asked him to get the rarest part possible, he could get it for you within the week, knowing a buddy who's buddy owe him a favour, and that buddy owed someone else a favour and that buddy would owe another person a favour. He certainly comes in handy.
"Hey, Jack. I got the exhaust you wanted, if you wanna bring your truck round the back, I'll get the boys in the back, to load it on... to…" His head bent to the side, looking at my orange hair "…the back. That interior panel you wanted, still hasn't come in though, hopefully it'll make an appearance next week." Jeff said, leaning onto the counter, getting his book out from under the cash register.
Laying my sunglasses on the glass case, I rubbed at the bridge of my nose, crooking my neck to read the upside down writing, my hand fishing my wallet out of my back pocket. "That's okay. The interior can wait, the exhaust was what I really came in for"
Pressing some buttons on the cash register, the main total flashed up on the little screen, showing the amount to be given was three hundred fifty. Flicking open my wallet, I shook my head at the costly amount, handing my credit card to Jeff. Swiping it into his little reader thing, the tiny winy printer, started going nuts with paper spewing out over the back of it. Picking a pen out the pen pot, Jeff clipped the small pieces of paper onto a clipboard, laying it down onto the counter for me. Signing my vastly bigger signature into the small box, I slid my card back into its home, shoving my wallet into the back of my pants again.
Folding up the receipts Jeff gave me, I said. "I may be a few minutes, Linole's doing her usual but with her mother's restrictions"
"Oh… so her mother got back safely then?" Jeff said, filing the copies of my receipts into his personal filing system, a tub with receipts dating back to pre-computers.
"Yeah" I said picking up my sunglasses, backing off to the door. "I'll toot the horn when I'm round the back"
"Okay dokay"
Swinging the door wide on its hinges, I put my sunglasses back on, playing with the receipts in my hands, folding and twisting the small pieces of paper. Standing outside the store, watching them through the window, helping Lucy the shop owner, pack up each bag with whatever Carter had brought. Seeing a quick hand gesture/order for my assistance, I folded up the receipts one last time, sliding them behind my wallet in my back pocket. Pushing the door open, I popped my head round the edge of the door, smiling at the women when they looked at me.
"Are you just gonna watch us, or are you going to help us?" Carter said, dropping a tin of macaroni into the bag.
Rolling my eyes at her, I let the door close behind me, examining the six brown bags sitting on the counter. Hugging two of the bags to my chest, I managed to pick up another with my hands, digging my fingers into the bottom of it. Another bag was placed on top of the ones I already had, nearly tipping the balance in their favour. Compensating for the new weight, I staggered round blindly to the door, waiting for someone to opened it for me.
"Thanks a lot." Carter said somewhere behind the cover of the brown bags. "Come on, Linole"
The top of the door opened, from what I saw over the bags, leaning backwards slightly, I stumbled out of the store to my truck, stopping again for someone to open the door. Linole pulled the handle on the door, walking the door open while Carter strategically placed her bags inside. Finally removing the extra two from me, she moved aside to let me placed my two inside, wiping my hands of them till we got back to the cabin. Jogging round the front of the truck, I jumped in when Carter fastened her seat belt over her, shutting the door with a bit of a slam.
"We've got another stop to make and then we can head on back" I said, starting the engine, beginning the short drive along the shops, turning into the alley that led round the back of Jeff's.
Coming to a stop in front of the garage, at the back, I tooted the horn, pulling the handle on my door. Jeff's eldest, Robby, and his stupid mate, Lester, carried the exhaust between them as I got out. Reaching through Linole's open window, I got the rope from behind her seat, unravelling it out onto the floor, thanking the boys with a wink of my eye. Throwing the rope over the back, I knelt down next to my truck, tying the end to one of the many hooks, ridden on the underbelly of the truck. Making sure it was secure with a tug, I stood up to find Carter on the other side, climbing up onto the back, wrapping the rope round the exhaust a few times.
Coming round to the other side, she handed me the rope, repeating the same procedure to this side as I did the other side. Giving her the extra bit of rope, she tied the bit of the exhaust resting on the roof of the cab, to the bar that lined along the back of the cab. Helping her down from the back, my hands strongly holding onto her waist, staring into her dark blues, lowering her slowly down to the ground. A pat on my shoulder sent me back round the back of the truck, climbing back into the drivers seat, joining Carter in the front of the truck again. Calling it a close call, I dropped the gear into reverse, swinging the truck round to head on back to the main street and then home.
**************************************************************
Reversing backwards towards the garage, I stopped putting the truck into p arked, jumping out to avoid Linole's door when it opened. Glaring at the young girl, I shut her door for her, my eyes attracted to the blonde already on the back, untying the rope for me. Kneeling down to untie the rope, I was suddenly covered in the rope, falling onto my back and over my head from above. Looping the rope up, I stuffed it in behind the back seat again, watching Carter pulled the garage door open, exposing the Pontiac to the sunrays. Linole went off inside, skipping round the dull red car, her fingers tracing along the metal, leaving behind trails in the dust that covered the metal.
Standing on the step up, I lifted one end of the exhaust while Carter got the other end, working together without the need for communication, something easily done with our line of work, her line of work. Resting it onto my shoulder, we walked in time into the garage, dodging the seven year old. Carefully placing the new exhaust onto the workbench, I caringly wiped a hand over the shiny metal, marvelling in the craftsmanship that had been put into it. Waggling my eyebrows at Carter, she chuckled at me; falling in beside her I closed the garage door. They both got into the truck just before me, sitting down into my seat, swinging my legs round I pulled the door close.
Finally parking up for good, I turned the engine off, getting out of the truck for the forth time that morning. Meeting Carter on the other side of the truck, she shoved two bags into my arms, piling another on top of them. Easily making my up onto the porch, I fumbled with the door handle, grunting when I finally got the door open. Using my other senses as best I could, relying on them to tell me where people were by their footfalls. Missing Linole briefly, she ran into the kitchen with one of the bags, pushing it up and onto the kitchen counter. Wedging the bags between the cupboard above and myself, I let them rest on top of the granite top next to Linole's bag, picking the extra one off the top before it fell off.
Beginning the long job of packing everything away, Carter placed the last of the brown bags on the opposing countertop, pulling out two cartons of milk. Blocking her path to the fridge, I took them away from her, diverting her out of the kitchen. "Oh no, no, no. Go watch TV or something, I'll do this"
"I'm perfectly capable of putting groceries away." She said, turning round to face me, placing a hand on my shoulder to stop my nudging.
"This is my kitchen, so my rule's. Or do I need to pull rank on you?"
Her mouth opened to say something, but she gave in, playfully shoving me backwards before she went off to look for Linole in her bedroom. Hearing the two of them decide to go for a walk, I uncovered the shelves of the cupboards, by pulling open their doors. Opening the fridge door, I dropped the milk cartons into one of the doors compartments, leaving the door wide open for any other items that had to go in the fridge. Happily getting on with my task, I secretly watching the pair walked off down one of the footpaths, through the window leading out onto the front.
**************************************************************
Relaxing in front of the TV, I was stuffed from the feast we'd had at dinner, drinking some of my beer from time to time, stroking Linole's hair down her back. Her head rested against my shoulder, supposedly watching the film, but the drooling I felt soak through my shirt, told me otherwise. With my feet folded underneath the coffee table, finally finding a comfortable position to sit in with her weight weighing on my side, my head supported by a cushion behind me, I could've easily followed her into the land of nod. But the chance to watch Carter, hypnotised by the film, reaching into the chip bag at certain intervals was more appealing. Wedging the beer between my leg and the arm of the chair, I gently moved Linole to lie to the other side, moving the bottle to the coffee table, drawing Carter's attention with my movement. Lifting the rag doll off the couch, I waved Carter's interest away, half carrying, half walking the child to her bedroom. The TV changed channel as I went into Linole's room, stripping and dressing her into her nightclothes, leaving her night light on by her bed. Stretching my arms above my head, I frowned when I saw the change in the living room, the now empty armchair alerting me to the change, crossing over the threshold of Linole's door, trailing my fingers over the doorframe.
Something popped in the kitchen, looking round the corner into the kitchen, Carter came out showing two glasses to me and a bottle of wine, I'd been saving for some occasion. Giving her the thumbs up, I pulled at the fridge door, plucking the block of cheese from the door, knocking the door away with my shoulder. Freezing in the middle of the kitchen, the TV was replaced with some low music; setting the atmosphere for something I don't want to bear thinking about. Not that didn't like the 'intimate' setting, but it wasn't something I'm used to nowadays.
Sara would always have the place ready, candles all over the place, music playing away nearly unheard, a dinner all set out waiting for me, when I got back from a mission or just a normal day on base. It was always her thing; I was simpler, booking a table at her favourite restaurant, paying that bit extra to have it romantic. Having Charlie around made those evenings a little harder, keeping a keen eye out for him on the stairs, the noise level staying under a certain point. Those were certainly some good old days.
Sliding a little chopping board out from behind the toaster, I opened the cutlery draw, picking out one of the sharper knifes. Closing the draw made the sound of something crashing but I thought nothing of it, balancing everything onto the chopping board, I joined Carter in the living room on the couch. Claiming the glass nearest me mine, I took a long sip from it, rolling the cheese out of its protective wrapping.
"Jack?" Pushing the knife lengths ways down into the cheese, I made a grunt to show I was listening, tracing the top of my lip with the tip of my tongue. "Is it okay if we talk?"
Slightly confused by her question, I looked at her beside me, breaking off some of the cheese from the slice. "We're talking aren't we?"
"You know what I mean?" She said, stealing the piece of cheese from my fingers. "About stuff"
Clicking my tongue against the roof of mouth, I snapped the slice of cheese in half. "Stuff"
"Look," She sat forward on the couch, her knee brushing up against mine. "… we've got to think of Linole here. I think spending that time with you, she's come to think of you as her dad, and I can see why in some ways"
"What… what are you trying to get at?" I said popping the bit of cheese into my mouth.
She ate the piece of cheese she took from me, washing it down with a sip of her wine. "You may believe that you've got nothing to do with us, that you have your life and we have ours, but you've changed all that. All she ever does is talk about you, draws doodles about you over the briefing dossier and thinks none stop about you, when she's trying to get some work done. And it's driving me nuts"
Holding a hand up to her, I said. "Hang on a minute. Briefing dossier? Work? I think child labouring is against the law, Carter"
"Eh? Shut up a minute." She said, taking the other piece of cheese from me. "Linole needs you in her life, not just a voice over the phone but someone solid she can lean on"
"She…" She clasped her hand over my mouth. "Didn't I just tell you to shut up?"
Nodding my head, she removed her hand, putting her glass on the coffee table. "When we were at the zoo, I erm… wanted to…"
"Mummy! Jack!" Linole screamed from inside her bedroom. Pushing Carter back down onto the couch, I bolted to Linole's room, scared with where that conversation could've been going. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to go where that conversation may have led, but at my own pace. Not with Carter taking charge of the situation again, ending the torment of my feelings for me, either telling me she wanted to be with me or she wanted me to be there for Linole. Thinking about it, both are suitable to me.
Sitting down on the floor by Linole's bed, she latched onto my hand, hugging it till the morning comes if she had the chance. Flicking some of her hair out of her face, stroking the backs of my fingers down her face, I smiled kindly at her, tucking her duvet under her chin. Drifting back to sleep, her grip loosened round my hand, holding onto her wrists, I folded them up to her chest, re-tucking the duvet again.
Coming out of her bedroom, I closed the door till it click, deeply sighing at Carter, sat with her head resting on the back of the couch, staring at me across the room. Fidgeting with anything my fingers reached first, I slowly approached my bed, folded up against the closet door, avoiding eye contact with her.
"I'm gonna get some sleep, Carter. I didn't get much last night, so if you wouldn't mind…"
She got up from the couch, placing her glass on the coffee table next to mine, breezing past me to my bedroom. I'm sure if it had been her house, she'd have slammed the door, the look in her eyes appalled that I asked her to leave the room and that I was leaving our little chitchat where it was. Snatching the pillow off the top of the folded bed, I punched at in a futile attempt of hitting myself, resulting in the pillow flapping around helplessly, doing nothing for my anger.
It's not an odd thing for me to be mad at myself, detesting myself on any given day. Depending on what stupid thing I'd done lately. Nearly everything I've done lately, since being reacquainted with Carter, has been stupid. Staring at her like an object, playing possessive baboon in the restaurant. Running away when I got scared. That's what it was, the reason I left them that Monday morning after my appointment. I got scared of the too happy life I was having, playing happy families with them, pretending I was more than I was. The truth hit me hard, listening to Carter tell Linole, she was there for her in the back of the car, rocking Linole back and forth on her knee. Telling her 'Mummy's here'.
Throwing the pillow and then the blanket onto the floor, I kicked them to slide over the floor to the couch, coming to a stop where the rug began. Setting the bed up for the night, I pushed the latched down forcefully, breaking the latched and the pin away into my hand. Bowing my head down in disgust, allowing the pin and latched to roll out of my hand and onto the floor, withdrawing away from the bed before I did any real damage to it and to myself. Collecting the blanket and pillow, I fell down onto the couch, stuffing my pillow under my head, covering myself with the blanket.
**************************************************************
Undoing the nuts holding the old exhaust into place, I used the car as an excuse of getting away from them, letting them go off on a drive in my truck, taking in the sights. The tension between me and myself was felt by everyone, the banging of my knife on the table, slamming of the coffee pot back into the coffee machine and smashing a mug into the sink, were all clear signs. Piling the nut with the others above my head, the exhaust dropped towards me again, coming closure and closure to hitting me with every nut I undid.
Rolling along the floor on my board, keeping my eyes out for the next bolt, I caught my head on something, giving me an instant headache and dizzy spell. Pressing my hand to my forehead, I bang the head of the ratchet off the exhaust a few times, with the tapping it shook about, vibrating in time with the bangs. Hitting one more final time, it breaks in half; a cloud of rust coming down while the other end of the exhaust hits the floor and me.
Coming out from underneath the car, unevenly getting up to my feet, I searched for a rag or something, the stinging to my eyes becoming too much to take. Finding nothing on the workbench, I used the sleeves of my old jumper, crying out slightly in pain. Getting some sort of sight, I fumbled along the workbench, my hand guiding me along its length till I got to the door. Turning the corner of the door, I turned the tap on while my truck pulled up behind me, a little late in coming to my rescue but in time to hear my complaints.
Cupping my hands under the running water, I washed the rust and dust out of my eyes, relieving my self of the discomfort. Drying my eyes with the front of my jumper, I twirled the handle to the tap off with my finger, glancing sideways at the pair when they got out of my truck. Briefly waving my hand as a hel lo, I sort through the shelving just inside the door, finding a clean enough cloth to finished drying my face.
"Jack! Look what mummy brought me!" She said, waving a doll round in the air and plastic bag.
Running my finger along my eyelid, I knelt down to her height. "That's a… nother girlie doll"
Hitting me with the doll reminded me, when Daniel had come to visit, bringing the news about Carter's dad. "I don't know whether I should show you, what's in the bag now"
Stomping off passed the truck, she ran up the track to the cabin, laughing away to herself. Holding the cloth to my eyes, I stood up to my real height, blinking my eyes in an attempt to stop my eyes watering. Hanging the towel over the top of the shelving unit, I found Carter's butt sticking up in the air, her head underneath the car. Musing over whether it'd be a good idea to kick or leave her butt alone, I travelled to other end of the car, dragging the broken end of the exhaust out from behind. Piling it up with the scrap metal at the back of the garage, Carter mumbled something to me from underneath the car, her feet now the only thing to be seen of her.
Standing in between her feet, I thought about pulling her out but it struck me, it'd look a bit bad with me stood between her legs, elevating her legs up tow… Greedily stepping out of the space between her legs, pretending to be watching from near the workbench, when she rolled out on the board, holding the remaining piece of exhaust in her hands.
"Here you go" She said, holding it up to me to take and her other hand to help her up.
Tugging on her hand, she sailed up onto her feet, thrusting the exhaust end in between us when she kept coming; stopping what seemed miles away from me but in truth was only a couple inches. Her eyes darted from my eyes to what I presumed were my lips, to the exhaust part between us. Licking at my lips, I noticed my hands were holding onto her elbows, releasing her from my hold, I held the rusted metal in my hands, edging along the edge of the workbench.
"Yeah. Thanks" I said, motioning towards the broken exhaust part, slinging it towards the pile to hear the sound of metal hitting metal.
Wiping my hands down the front of my jumper, I was caught by Linole, watching her run along side the truck in a dress I'd never seen before, which suggests to me the item in the plastic bag had been the dress. She stood half way between Carter and myself, putting something solid and bigger than a broken exhaust part between us. Whirling my finger round in the air, she spun round showing all aspects of it to me. Giving it the okay with a sign, using my finger and thumb, she bounced up to me and then up to Carter, pulling her back the way she'd just came.
Hefting the new exhaust off the worktop, I slide it under the car, climbing under the car after it, shifting the board under my back. Stripping myself of my jumper, I threw it to the worktop, sliding further under car. Finding the ratchet lying near my pile of nuts and bolts. Holding the new exhaust up into place, slotting it up on the bolts secured to the body, loosely screwing each nut onto each of the four bolts. Pulling myself along the floor, smiling at the pile of nuts Carter had left me. Doing the nuts up as tight as they'd go, I moved back to the middle, I tighten them up before moving to the end, fastening it up into place.
**************************************************************
Sitting outside on the jetty, my feet dangling into the chilly water, the night sky laying over head with a blanket of stars, twinkling there hundred lights away. I was the only one up which suited me fine, no one for me to talk to, nothing being said, just me and my thoughts. Kicking at the water, a spray flew up from the once clam surface, recollected by lake when they sailed back down with gravity, causing rippling affects for some distance. Drawing a circle in the water, with my foot submerged in the water, a faint swirling pattern floated out to the far edges of the lake, claming before they'd reach even a foot away from my foot.
Leaning forward towards the water, my reflection stared back at me, I nearly didn't recognise myself, the knowledge that I was only person there, proved that the reflection belonged to me. Tracing a line down the side of my face, I actually realised how young I look for my age. When I was growing up, I'd associate sagging sink and wrinkles with the after fifty mark, but I didn't see any sagginess in my face, a few wrinkles at the corner of my eyes. Even in the moonlight, the orange mark shown brightly, contrasting with the rest of my hair.
Flinching when a blanket was placed over my shoulders, I looked up to watch Carter sit down beside me, her coat wrapped round her, keeping out the chill in the night. She drew her legs up to her chest, keeping them well away from the cold water, wearing the pumps that lived underneath my bed. Waggling my legs around, creating more ripples in the water, the board's creek underneath us, when she shifted to lean up against me, her head lounging on my shoulder.
She shifted restlessly, unable to get comfortable on the wooden deck. "How long have you been sat out here?"
"Oh a good hour or two"
"From looking at your feet, I think its been longer than that" She said, looking over the edge into the water.
Lifting my feet out of the water, they looked just as they did when I was stuck with Cynthia; my body aging faster than I ever wanted it too. One of my dreams when I was younger, was to grow up fast so I wouldn't be treaty like a kid, but growing to the age of a hundred in a couple of days, actually scared the crap out of me. It's kind of ironic now thinking about it, when I was younger I wanted to be older; now that I'm older I wish I was younger.
She chuckled into her hand, linking her arm round mind, becoming more comfortable against me. Splashing my feet back into the water, it broke the quiet that had formed, interrupting the chirps coming from the grass surrounding us, the grasshoppers screaming their battle cries. Swishing my feet around in the water, I smiled at the sensations it caused between my toes, tickling yet relaxing my feet with cool water.
"Jack" She said sitting up slightly, keeping her arm wrapped mine.
"Erm?"
"What was the real reason for why you left? I know you said what you said at the house, but I don't believe it"
Arching an eyebrow at her, I titled my head to look at her, slouching down to match her height. "What? Why you ask?"
Her shoulders rose and fell, a gestured I'd performed naturally. "It just doesn't feel right, that the reason you left was because you're not needed, or saying that our life's are too different now, for you to stay around"
"Carter, do we really need to talk about this? It's in the past, ain't it? Can't it just stay in the past? I'd like it to stay in the past, let's leave it in the past. Danny and Doc come out public yet with their relationship?" I said, drastically needing to change the subject onto something more or less feely, to someone else instead.
"Jack O'Neill, I've never known you to run from a fight. Stop hiding and tell me, otherwise I'll…" She thought for a moment, checking around her for something to use as black mail or for something to jog her memory.
"You'll do what?"
Crossing up her legs, she withdrew her arm from around mine, folding it across her chest. "I'll think of something later, but stop hiding from me. All I want is an answer, I don't want you to confess your undying love for me"
It was said in such a teasing manner but it touch home too closely, after a while she realised what she said; her eyes lost some of their sparkle. Chewing at my lower lip, I gingerly looked at her before scanning round the shore of the lake, searching for the listening equipment someone could've set up.
"The reason I… left so… abruptly if you will, was because I… erm… got" Cracking my knuckles nervously, agitated by talking about those nagging, unnecessary, trouble making feelings. "…scared."
Her forehead was covered in lines, her eyebrows scrunching up. "Scared? I don't understand"
Wildly gesturing with my hands, I pounded my hand into my forehead, frustrated at being unable to speak. Scratching annoyingly at the back of my neck, I took my right foot out of the water, folding it up underneath me so I could turn and face her.
"You know when you have one of your doohickey's, you're working away on it none stop, trying to get as much work done on it before it's shipped out to fifty one. In a way, you become attached to it. Stop me, if I'm wrong" I said, with my hands out to her, praying for her to be my saviour.
"You're doing fine so far. Carry on"
Breathing deeply, I carried on. "Say it's sent away and then you're left feeling… like your missing something. Then magically one day, it's dropped back into your lap, you get to do all the things you didn't get to do. Running tests on it till you're blue in the face. As quick as it was dropped into your lap, it's taken away again. I don't think…" Wiping a hand over my mouth, I stared at the moon, graining some strengthen and courage from it. "If I get into playing happy family's again, but have it taken away, I won't be able to cope with it again. Not knowing now what I've missed out on with you"
I thought for a moment I said something wrong, gaping at me from her side of the jetty, probably shocked by how much I said on one topic. Shock myself as well thinking about it. I never meant to say all that. Found a way to shut up though.
"I..." She squeaked out before clearing her throat. "I didn't realise she meant that much to you"
"It's not just Linole. I ne…" Pulling the blanket further up my back, I held onto it with my hand, the other one reaching out to touch her cheek. "I need you"
Jerking away from my hand, rejection the only thing running through my mind, I dipped my head down, beating my fist down onto wooden plank next to me. Whispering an apology, I climbed to my feet, rushing away from her. My hands was only centimetres away from the door handle, she whipped me round by the blanket, grabbing hold of the ends of it to hold me in place.
I waited for to say something, she looked as if she was going to say something, but she didn't. She didn't say anything, I didn't say anything. She did move, I didn't move. Her body pressed up to mine, gulping down my nerves when I felt her warm breath wash over my face, sending chills all over me. Timidly her lips sealed against mine for a second, backing off away from me, I wasn't goin g to let her get away, not after everything I'd just put myself through.
Bridging the gap between us, my fingers entangled into her hair, putting everything I had into kissing her soft lips. It felt like my lips melted into hers, joining us together for life by our mouths. The little nip at my lip caused me to open my mouth to gasp, assaulted by her invading tongue, beating me into submission before I could do anything.
She ended the kiss when I really didn't want it to end, the contact between us wasn't broken completely, our foreheads pressed against one another, our breaths mingling together. "Tell me, you will not be sleeping, on that stupid camping bed tonight?"
Grinning at her uncontrollably, I stroked a finger down her neck. "Not unless someone magically fixed the pin I broke last night. But with you around, I wouldn't be surprised"
We stood there for a good ten minutes, holding the other to keep the chill out, her coat and the blanket doing nothing to keep us warm. Making the first step, my fingers interlaced with hers, walking her back inside to forget about everything. Forgetting about S.G.C, the pain our feelings had caused us over the years, finally letting Colonel O'Neill lie in the hole I'd buried him. Finally being Jack and Sam together.
***************************************************************
To Be Continued
Story Notes: What Should Have Been - What Should Have Been 02
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Website: http://www.geocities.com/katmellie17/index.html
Email: Katmellie@AOL.com (Katmellie17@Yahoo.co.uk)
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