"Damn that man!"
Oh crap, she had said that outloud. Quickly Sam glanced up and down the corridor to see if anyone was within earshot. The few personel in sight seemed to be moving away, giving her distance - personal space Daniel called it - as if they knew or at least suspected her feelings.
With a fatigue that seemed to swallow her she slumped against ominpresent gray wall of the SGC. He's gone, she thought. No, that was not accurate. Not really gone, but he was not here. Colonel O'Neill, her sir - "Oh, hell" she muttered under her breath.
Lifting her hands to rub her face, she realized she might as well admit it, at least to herself. The one who was the light in her life; her reason for getting up in the morning to once again attempt and sometimes achieve the impossible; that Oz-quoting, Simpson-watching, hockey-cheering, irreverant, Fruit Loop-eating, insubordinate, maverick super-soldier, grayhaired, smart-ass, idiot-acting but ever-grinning man; the Jack she loved was not here.
She'd heard Daniel and Jack arguing back on the planet. She knew Daniel could do it, was willing to do, wanted to do it. She never would wish Daniel ill but why did Jack insist on being the one? He knew what it could do to him, had done before. Did he feel compelled to do it by his soldier-self, the colonel/warrior/command-decision ethic? Didn't he know how needed he was by Earth, the SGC, SG-1, her?
"Oh, Jack...," she moaned softly.
Her head shot up. I'm loosing it, she told herself. I'm standing in the hall talking to myself. What if someone heard, what if they reported it? I do not need or want a session with Dr. McKenzie right now.
She felt so alone. Teal'c and Daniel had gone off somewhere after the post-mission infirmary check by Dr. Whatshisname.
She could feel the tears starting. Janet was dead. Dad was offworld, somewhere with the Tok'Ra, out of reach; and Jack was not here. She felt so alone.
"Damn the man."
Okay, I need to get moving. Scraping herself off the wall she continued her journey toward her quarters. Her weapons had been sent to the armory. The rest of her gear she could could dump in her room until the debriefing, which General Hammond had mercifully delayed until tomorrow.
So why was he standing outside her door? He had so been a rock all these years but now, after all that had happened in recent months, even he seemed to be a bit off balance. Was that why he stood outside her door, rocking back and forth, shifting his weight from one leg to the other. If things didn't seem so dreadful she'd swear he had to pee. God, now she was starting to think like Jack.
Damn that man.
"General Hammond, something I can do for you, sir?" Play the good soldier, Carter, that's the ticket. Get to whatever the general wants, close your door, and then can dissolve.
"Major Ca - Samantha: I can only imagine what you are thinking and feeling right now. I know you need some time for yourself and to rest. But before that and before tomorrow when we all have to be official again at the debriefing, I have to give you this. It was given to me for what I can only assume was a situation such as we are in now. I can guess what might be in it but I have not read it. It is from him for your eyes only. If you want to talk later, not as your commanding officer but as someone who cared ... as someone who cares for you both, I will be here for you."
With that, General Hammond handed her the envelope, turned, and walked away. She stood there, stunned. Sam thought she couldn't have been more suprised if a flying monkey, complete with red vest and fez, had suddenly appeared. Why am I channeling Jack in my head? She knew where such thoughts would lead. Before she started publicly babbling to herself again, she stepped into her quarters, shut and locked the door.
Flowers? In her room? At the SGC? The last time she remembered getting flowers was from Pete ... no wait, the colonel, Jack, at their off-world trip just prior to this last one, his last one .... The sob caught in her throat.
Her last sight of him competed for mental space with the other memory - the one where, as they had stepped off the gate platform to meet the locals, Jack had reached down to pluck a wildflower and said, "Here, Carter. Tuck this behind your ear. You can blend with the locals." Then he had grinned that grin. The locals were wearing flowers and not much else. All had near black, shoulder-length hair, brown eyes, and skin the color of dark cherry wood. Oh yeah, she would blend in - NOT - wearing fatigues with her blue eyes, short blond hair, and lightly tanned fair skin.
Yet again, the internal refrain - damn that man.
She looked at the vase full of what appeared to be some sort of spring bouquet. The card, typed, said simply, "Because I care about you more than I am suppose to. Better late than never to have told you. O'Neill"
Tears were flowing freely now. She sat down heavily on the edge of the bed. It was only as she reached for the box of tissues on her desk that she realized she still held in her hand the envelope given her by General Hammond.
It was standard USAF SGC stationary. The "official stuff" Jack called it on those occaisions when he could no longer delay his command paperwork. But it was not typed. Unlike the flower card it was addressed in longhand - it was his handwriting! In his familiar yet legible scrawl the words read, "Major Samantha Carter - in the event of ... "
Breaking the seal, she realized her hands were shaking as she carefully withdrew and unfolded the sheets of paper within. Blinking back the tears and trying desparately not to stain or smear his words with her weeping, she read:
Major - Carter - Sam;
I'm not sure how or why I know this. But I have a gut sense that something will happen on this next mission. something good but also something that will seem so bad. It might be a memory remnant from the Ancients library or something implanted by the Asgard or maybe I just ate some bad Chinese food leftovers that sat too long in my refridgerator.
Whatever it is, I have left this note and some instructions with General Hammond - George - for you. Daniel and Teal'c have their own notes. This one is for you. Since I am obviously no longer in the room I want to take out of "the room" those feelings we have both realized we have for each other but have denied. delayed,and deferred for so long.
My career has taken some odd turns. Its been mostly successful but I also know that I've been enough of a pain in the ass to enough people that I'm not really on the command track. For men my age, bird colonel is about as high as we rise if not in line for a star.
I'm starting to feel old. The hair is gray and short now. The knees - well, you know. Janet. bless her, one on the last things she did for me was add anti-inflammatory medications to my diet. It's not as easy to save the world as it once was.
That may sound like I think I have no future except when I think of you. After the first Abydos mission, my eyes were opened again to the possibilty of having a future. When you came on the team, my soul began to open again. Over time I realized I had a future and I wanted it to be with you.
We both have been aware of the risks. The regs, the stories we have heard of not only careers but lives ruined because of "relationships" between service personel.
But I have spent more time with you, sharing more experiences, thoughts, feelings, with you than I have with any other woman. I had hoped in our continuing fight with the go'auld we would reach a point where I could share my feelings with you. I had hoped that your feelings for me had reached the point that you not only shared my feelings but shared a desire to also finally act on those feelings.
I messed up somewhere. Not just because I'm no longer in the room but that I've left my feelings for you too long in that "room." The only regret I have in knowing you is that I have not told you sooner that I love you.
Even if I am no longer present, even if I am really gone or just so far removed that it seems like there is no hope, know that I love you. Know that if there is any possibility at all that I can return to you, I will. Know that if we never meet again in this lifetime, a part of me will be with you always.
I love you, Sam.
Yours,
Jack
The tears were flowing freely. Sam's breaths were coming in ragged stops and starts. She wasn't thinking, a true rarity for her. Only one phrase came to mind.
As she wiped her eyes one last time, she took one of the flowers and tucked it behind her ear. Reaching again to her desk, she picked up the bi-fold picture frame there. One side had a group photo of SG-1. The other side was a picture of Jack.
Removing Jack's photo from its frame, she placed it in the letter. Holding both to her chest she laid herself down on the bed. As her eyes sorrowfully closed for sleep, she whispered to herself one last time, "Damn that man,"
Story Notes: SPOILERS: End of seventh season
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