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Danny threw a boomerang through the gate.

Nothing happened.

We were disappointed.

Well... most of us.

Sam just sighed and shook her head. She'd just spent the last 10 minutes telling us that only energy could pass back through, and a boomerang certainly didn't count as energy. I gave her my look though, the one that says "don't use science to spoil our fun" and she shut up.

It's that boring here.

I mean, we've spent the last hour scouring the base for interesting stuff to throw through the gate. I dunno why, I guess it's like when you're sitting by water, you wanna chuck stuff in right? Or how when you're sitting on grass you find yourself pulling out big clumps of it? Like that. We've tried everything. We sent the malp through to a world we know is uninhabited, and so began our experiments. Sam wasn't impressed, but she watched anyway, just as bored as us. So now, on PLR412, there sits a rather impressive pile of junk. Rocks, paper, clothes, and in a fit of pique at Danny's incessant teasing of my staring at Sam, one of his boots. It's still there. He refuses to go get it as he thinks we'd close the iris on him. Just for a second Danny boy I tell him, we'd open it in time! But no... wisely enough he's not gonna take that risk, so he just sits there, one socked foot on the cold metal ramp. He got me back by flinging through some of my unfinished paperwork though, meaning I have to start all over again. So I picked him up and stuck him thought the event horizon, holding on to him by the collar. I gave him a bit of a shake in there for a while, and then pulled him back in. I regretted it when I saw how pale and cold he was, and Sam and Teal'c were mad with me.

So, through went my favourite hockey stick. And now, so Teal'c tells me, everything's even. Huh... not likely. I'll get my own back... Somehow. Hmm... now what can we do? We even tried skimming rocks, seeing if we could make them bounce across the event horizon. To our surprise, it actually worked, but we had to stop when one badly aimed throw bounced several times, then came back and smacked Daniel in the face. Oops. Dirty looks again. I didn't mean it! Then Teal'c tried to climb the gate. Apparently it was something they used to do on Chulak as kids. A dare kinda thing. Run up to the gate when you knew someone was due, climb to the top, then drop down in front of it and run off before it opened and the out splash disintegrated you. He grinned after this explanation, and we looked between ourselves in disbelief. Well... we're not playing that we said in unison. Teal'c tried to insist it was fun, and so we made him show us the climbing bit. He complied, but got stuck on the seventh chevron. We spent a good ten minutes just laughing and pointing at him, and Daniel even went and got his video camera to record it for posterity. Teal'c' wasn't impressed though, and when we finally got him down, he went after Danny with his staff weapon, yelling out several places he could stick it. Left alone for a second, I took the opportunity to sidle up to Sam, and purr in her ear. Mistake. She floored me in one simple, fluid twisting move and sat on my back. I whispered that if she'd just turn me over that we'd have a lot more fun and she gave me a wedgie of epic proportions. She let me up when the others came back. It still hurts... she's far too good at them...

Since then though... nothing... God it's boring, and this lot are boring.

Practically the whole rest of the SGC is out, having fun at a big bash in our honour. And where are we? Well we all felt a bit dodgy when we came back through the gate yesterday, and so we're stuck here, on medical watch. We're okay now, Janet thinks it must have been the food we ate there disagreeing with us, but when we said we only ate rations, that was quickly swept under the carpet. You see, we think it was the rations that did it, but no-one believes us. They taste... funny. I don't like them. Either that or Carter's cooking is at fault. I voice this opinion again, and she leaps to her feet, looking pissed. Oh I've done it now. She suggests that we push me through the gate with a rope around my neck, then give it a big yank on the other side to see if I'll come back. The others look away, fingers stuffed in their mouths to hide their laughter. I glare at Sam, trying to intimidate, but she just glares back. Oops. I make a regal bow and apology, and we get back to trying to entertain ourselves.

"Cards, what about cards?"

"No Danny, I'm bored with cards, done that already. Unless..."

I give Sam a meaningful look, and she picks up one of the rocks we'd been throwing through, and threatens me with it. Okaaaaay... so no strip poker then. And no hide and seek either. In the gate room, with this thing at our disposal, it'd be the longest game ever played. And it'd be damn obvious when someone made a break to steal the base. I can see it now though. The gate would start up, and I'd be standing here, ready to tackle any of the others who would surely make a break through and try to run for the cupboard by the door, the base for the game, and a big honking system lord and twenty Jaffa would stride through. Huh. Easy pickings. Just me and a rolled up magazine. Unstoppable. Maybe if I gave him a good tap on the nose he'd just go away...

"Well what then?"

We all turn and look at Sam, and I lean back on the ramp, stretching out my long, lean form in the hope she'll appreciate it. She looks me up and down with a sneer, not the desire I'd hoped for, rolls her eyes, and launches the rock onto my stomach. I fold with an "Oof" and the others laugh. They're always laughing at me. I hate it when they laugh at me.

"You're so damn smart you think of something!" I say. Sam just shakes her head and looks away. It doesn't have the same impact when you've said it ten times already that night.

"Okay!... what about Murder in the Dark?"

"What?" We chorus. Sometimes she comes out with the weirdest things. She must get them from those bizarre Brits she talks to on the net. Or whatever. Murder in the dark, what the hell kinda crappy game is that? I voice my opinions, and Sam strides on over. She stands right by me, and pushes herself up on her toes, bringing her eyes level.

"Well Colonel. If you don't think you can take it, then you don't have to play. How 'bout I put up your little playhouse in the corner there and get your dollies out?"

More stifled laughter from behind me, and Danny's real close to losing his glasses to that pile on the other side of the gate. Oh she's gonna get it. She's gonna get it. One way or the other. I wink at her, whispering my own ideas for that playhouse and her, and she rather neatly brings her knee up to within a millimetre of my groin area. I freeze, afraid to move. She wouldn't would she? She grins evilly, and in a sudden move, reaches out with her right hand and "honks" my nose. Oh you're gonna get it Captain!

She bolts when she sees the sudden change on my face and I follow, hell bent on making her pay! We chase for a while, but that becomes boring too. When we finally concede a truce and return to the gateroom panting, Danny and Teal'c are avidly watching the video camera playback. They turn the TV our way and show us. The film is of the observation window in the briefing room above the gateroom, and in it, approximately once every thirty seconds, you can see me and Sam run past. We laugh as each time I'm carrying a different weapon. First a mop, then a chair, then a pillow. I go a bit red as on the next appearance she's chasing me. I stutter out excuses and the others just laugh. Well where the hell was she hiding that ground to air missile anyway?

"So..." I say after everyone eventually calms down. Well if it's not food poisoning we got off those rations, then maybe they contained some form of hallucinogens! "Are we gonna play this dumb game or what? Tell us the rules cheat... uh Sam!"

She doesn't even rise to that one, deeming me beneath her (and God I wish I was) and carries on.

"Okay, well, we all draw lots, and someone is the murderer, and someone the victim. Then we put all the lights out, and the murderer 'kills' their victim in a manner of their choosing. Then, the victim asks questions and so on, and has to work out who did it!"

None of us move. We're not impressed. Sam just glares at us, and finally we all agree that no-one else can think of anything, and anyway, it's worth a go. Teal'c switches the gate off after retrieving the malp, and we wave goodbye to the pile of crap left on the other side. I wonder what other travellers will make of that lot. In fact, it's a wonder no-one has thought to use the gate as waste disposal yet... Hold that thought Colonel, I can see it now. Because of that thought, tomorrow we'll step through straight into a big damn landfill planet. And wouldn't that be great. Groan. Danny would probably love it. What's that line about telling a lot about people from what they throw away? We'd be there for weeks! Anyway, back to the game.

We mark paper, and draw lots. I stare at my piece of paper in fascination, and grin inwardly as Sam announces that she is the victim. He he. I'm the murderer. Excellent! I was gonna grope her in the dark anyway, but now I can do it legitimately! I mean come on! I could trip or anything with three bodies on the ground! And I have to touch her to kill her! Coooooool. Thank you lord. We receive our instructions, and as we arrange ourselves on the floor around the room, Teal'c slaps off the lights and plunges the gateroom into total darkness. Just what I need. I start my silent creep towards Sam's last position, sliding across the smooth floor. Special forces training don't let me down now! There are squeals already from her, and I guess she has met the others. Hey! No touching guys! Only the murderer is supposed to touch her!

Suddenly, I come into contact with a boot. In the face. Spluttering I shove it away, and grab a hold of the owners leg. Another squeal. This time though it's unmistakably Danny's. I use his body to haul myself along the floor, pushing him down and away from me as I go. He starts to complain, but suddenly Teal'c shushes us.

"This game is meant to be silent Daniel Jackson"

Yeah. You tell him Teal'c! Danny is thrashing, and I hear laughter coming from further up. Hey! You leave her the hell alone! You don't get to touch her! It's the rules! I sit up and bunching my muscles in preparation, I yank on his leg and Danny is pulled free from the pile of bodies, sliding towards me on the smooth floor. Right! Groping around behind me I find an apple that managed to avoid being flung through the gate, and finding Danny's head I jam in between his teeth. That should keep him quite for a little while! Standing, I haul Danny's heavy carcass with me, my hands on the back of his fatigues jacket. Leaning down I let his front come into contact with the floor, and after a couple of swings to build up momentum, I release him in my final forward stroke, and listen with satisfaction to the sound of Danny skidding across the floor, and a clatter and bang as he comes into contact with a cupboard. Right. That's one out of the way. It'll take him at least a few minutes to work his way back over here. There is more laughter from behind me, and I bunch my fists at the thought of what Teal'c must be doing to Sam to make her squeak like that!

I drop to the floor again, and continue on my way. Hmm. I can hear them just in front of me. I keep back a little, as I don't want to get caught by flailing limbs. Okay, Teal'c is way bigger and stronger than me, how the hell do I move him? Ahhh. I know. I know the perfect way. Listening for a moment, I judge where his head is, and which way up he is. I creep closer. Just a little closer. He seems to be moving, and as I gently reach out my hands I find his arms are outstretched. No doubt engaged with Sam in some fashion. What are these two guys like? They're both married for God's sake! Well, it's now or never. Taking a deep breath, I plunge my arms downwards, coming into contact with Teal'c just below his arms.

I tickle.

He stops whatever he was doing and starts convulsing. He must be biting his lip trying not to cry out, and I just tickle him more. Who'd have thought eh? Who'd have thought the big ol' scary first Prime of Apophis could be overcome by something as simple, and eloquent as a tickle. I found this out about a month ago when the guy was beating me at a stare out contest we were having. It'd been going on a while, and Danny eventually got bored. Walking round behind Teal'c he'd suddenly snaked out an arm and tickled him, hoping for some reaction. And God he got one! Never heard the guy giggle before, but it was weird! Anyway, I won the match, and now that information may help me again. I'm glad Sam wasn't there to see that match though. I mean there are tons of ways she could have broken my concentration! And she would have done it as well, just to see my face when Teal'c won. Well he didn't, I did. And I'm gonna win again!

After a few minutes, Teal'c's defences are all but gone, and his body has practically gone limp. I stand again, and looping my arms under his I haul him back a few steps, away from Sam. It won't take him long to recover though. So I better move fast. Abandoning Teal'c, I drop again, and cautiously use my arms to pull myself back to where I thought I left Sam. Where is she? I'm sure I left her here! Damn. She's moved. Maybe she knew it was me coming after her and decided to scarper. I hear a soft sound to my left then, and move towards it. My hand briefly comes into contact with something, but just as I close my fingers around it to identify it, it is pulled sharply away, followed by a shuffle. Oh I'm gonna get you Sam... I'm gonna get you! I stand and start to stalk, feeling I can cover more ground this way. Suddenly there is a sound behind me, and as I turn to move out the way, a huge form that can only be Teal'c crashes into me in the darkness and I go flying. Luckily though, I get a soft landing...

I land with an oof and a squeal. Except the squeal came from beneath me. I've landed on Sam. Well, what a fortuitous happenstance! I grin widely in the dark as she squirms beneath me. God but that's turning me on. She reaches up with her hands and tries to find my face. Oh no... you're not getting to cheat and find out who I am, that's not fair. I grab her hands, and transferring them to one I hold them against her chest. She squirms again, chuckling a little. Enjoying this are we? Like to be pinned down do you? File that one away for future reference... I am straddling her now, and I squirm a little myself, trying to ease the sudden tightness across the front of my trousers. I wish she'd stop moving like that. I think I have to end this now before I get carried away. I don't think Danny and Teal'c would be impressed if we didn't finish the game. But I want to play a different game! Maybe later... if I'm lucky... Taking a pen from my pocket, I pretend to stab her in the sternum, and playing along, she goes limp.

"Arggghhh... urghhhhhh"

Heh he. Very convincing Sam. Hearing this, there is a series of squeaks from our boots as the three of us run across the floor to the opposite side of the room, and fall into a laughing pile of bodies. Then the lights come on. And it wasn't us who did it.

Oops.

"What the hell is going on down there?" Comes the very angry and confused voice of the General over the intercom from the control room.

I have to blink for a couple of seconds at the sudden brightness, and when I can finally see I look up to see most of the command staff looking down at us. The general's not happy. And I don't blame him. What do we look like? The three of us are lying in a tangled heap, and Sam is across the room, face flushed, hair in disarray as she tries desperately to look like this is nothing to do with her. I doubt she'll pull it off though. She realises this as well as she glances at the malp and turns sharply away. One of her bra's is hanging from the end of the probe arm. Oops. Well I told her I'd get her back. In front of the gate lies a half empty pizza, cans of juice, cards, a pile of rocks, and a twister set. Oh we're in trouble. We are in trouble...



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Well.

We actually got away with it.

The General accepts that we went stir crazy being locked up in here while everyone else got to go out and have fun. Well, maybe he doesn't quite believe it, but he so wanted us out of his sight that any excuse would do. So, Janet gave us a last check over, pronounced us fit, and Hammond asked if we would please get the hell of his base for the night. So here we are, in the locker room, collecting our gear. We're all sort of avoiding each others eyes, hoping to slip away, but Danny's not having it... oh no.

"Sam? Sam you didn't guess who was the murderer!"

"Hey, that's right!" I yell. Danny grins at me. He must guess it was me.

Sam just shakes her head and stays facing the other way. Is she embarrassed? Why is she embarrassed?

"Yeah come on Sam, who killed ya huh? Or aren't you any good at your own game huh? Don't know who it was do ya! You gonna admit you lost?"

That did the trick. She turns around at that, and looks from one of us to the other, and steps out into the middle of the room.

"I didn't lose Jack" She says, a sudden, evil grin lighting up her face. Uh-oh. Why is she looking at me like that?

"Well, you gonna ask any questions or what?"

Oh I don't like that look in her eye. Why do I insist or provoking her so? Do I never learn? I have to keep on pushing her and pushing her, and usually, I end up paying. The look on her face when she pulled her bra down from the malp. She had no idea I'd swiped it when I chased her into her quarters. And when she saw it... well let's just say she was not happy. I expected retribution as soon as we got away from Hammond, but for a brief moment I thought I'd got away with it. I was wrong.

"Oh no... I have... another method of working out who killed me. If you'll indulge me boys... "

She says this with a raised eyebrow and a twinkle in her eye. I have to swallow a sudden lump in my throat. The others agree without hesitation, and I hear my own voice doing the same. Sam gives us a little nod, and walks towards Teal'c. What on earth is she going to do? We all watch, as she walks right up to him, standing a mere inch away. She stands up on her toes, and wrapping her arms around his neck she presses herself close. Teal'c just looks down at her, and then, seemingly satisfied, she lets go of him and walks to Daniel. What is going on? I can feel myself start to perspire. She does the same to Danny, and he turns bright red, looking away from her. A few seconds, and she lets him go, then turns to face me. Uh-oh. She walks towards me ever so slowly, letting her hips sway gently from side to side. Oh dear.

I have a very bad feeling about this whole thing...

She walks up, and, rising on her toes like before, she loops her arms around my neck and presses her lithe feminine form against mine, staring into my eyes. Oh God... Oh God. We stay this way for a few seconds, and then, against my wishes, my body betrays me. I watch her slight smile grow and widen, as something of my own grows as well. I gulp, trying to cool my blood, but to no avail. She stops and let's go then, and takes a step back. I think maybe I've gotten of the hook, but she looks at my face, then slides her eyes down to my belt line.

"Oh I'd recognise that anywhere. You're the killer Jack"

I feel my face flush instantly red as Danny and Teal'c attempt to look away and remain calm. They fail. Danny loses all control and falls to the floor, laughing uncontrollably. Teal'c smiles. The guy actually smiles. Huh, at my expense. Sam picks up her bag and slips it over her back. Teal'c reaches down and picks Danny up, chucking him over one of his massive shoulders. They walk out, and I'm left standing there, so very embarrassed and staring at the floor. Sam walks past me, and as she goes, she pauses to whisper something in my ear.

"Never mind Sir, maybe next time you'll be the victim, and I'll get to manhandle you"

She delivers this line with a wagging eyebrow, and as she turns to leave she gives me a little wink. Maybe there's hope for this love sick fool after all? With that, I scoop up my own gear, and follow my team-mates off base.

I wonder when Hammond will leave us in charge next?



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THE END
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