How Do You Do That by Sio

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Story Notes: Author: Siobhan Gormley (aq806@ncf.ca)

Rating: G

Warning: angst

Classification: angst, S&J friendship

Summary: Jack's thoughts during and after "In The Line of Duty"

Required reading: none

Spoilers: "In The Line of Duty", "Solitudes" (minor)

Distribution: The S&J fic archive, Heliopolis, and my site (http://members.tripod.com/~Web7thLevel/TVLAND/pfa.html)

Feedback: Love it!

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story. I intend no infringement in the use of the characters, who incidentally belong to Gekko, Double Secret, and MGM, and I make no money off of writing this story. It is simply for my, and hopefully the reader's, enjoyment.

Author's note: I had started this one out as a third person piece, but I decided to write it from Jack's perspective instead. Hopefully it turned out alright! And have your tissues ready if angst gets to you!

How do you do that? I had asked Teal'c that when he had told me not to see my friend standing before me, and not surprisingly, he didn't have an answer. I thought I was strong enough to handle things like this, finding out that one of your friends has gone over to the enemy, but in this case, Sam wasn't given a choice, she didn't choose to be taken over by that parasite. It was like reliving what had happened to Kawalsky, only worse.

I had been fine for the first while, taking Teal'c's advice in taunting her, trying to get her to give up information in her arrogance, but she was a tough cookie, as I already knew, but even more so with that Goa'uld inside her. Then, after a certain point, I couldn't take it any more, I had to leave. Seeing her like that, knowing that she wasn't who she was, hurt me so greatly. I guess now I can sort of understand how Daniel's felt.

And then that *thing* had the nerve to use her, making her call me 'Jack', something she has only done in the most personal moments of our friendship, and my heart was breaking. I couldn't look at her, I pounded on the door like a desperate man drowning as she called out to me, begging me to help her.

Oh god Sam, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for what that thing has done to you, I'm sorry that I couldn't let you go, no matter how much I wanted to believe it and get my friend back.

Then we found out that the Goa'uld had been telling the truth about being hunted, and somehow it had saved Sam, or so she said. I don't want to believe it though, I don't trust any Goa'uld. But why would Sam lie to me, why would she say that it had saved her life at the cost of its own? She wouldn't, I know she wouldn't. Yet I still can't wrap my brain around it. I guess I've had it in my head far too long that there are no good Goa'uld's.

I had gone in to see her countless times when she was in the infirmary, yet she was unresponsive. No matter how much we talked about what was going on in the SGC, or our lives in general, there was not one indication from her that she heard us. It was like she didn't want to let anyone in. I even tried a bit of 'reverse psychology' at one point and yelled at her, telling her that she was a poor excuse for a soldier, that she should just snap out of it. But still she made no sound, there was no movement, she stayed curled up on her side. I found myself practically begging her after that to come back to us, telling her how much we needed her, that we cared about her, but that didn't seem to make a difference either.

I felt defeated, like there was nothing that would bring her back, but Cassie, that wonderful kid who had latched on to Sam's heart with such tenacity, proved me wrong. She had shown Sam that even after she had frightened the girl to the point of threatening her life, she still was able to give her love unconditionally.

After that, Sam came around and she was more willing to have visitors. Then, one time when we all went to leave, she called me back. She thanked me for sticking by her, for trying to keep her in the land of the living. I was surprised at her words, to put it mildly. She explained further about how she had heard everything that had been said to her, even though it seemed that she was catatonic. She remembered most clearly when I had said that we needed and cared about her, and she told me that those words meant more to her than she could ever say.

I stupidly felt myself choking up, and I saw that she was too. I went on impulse and gently pulled her into my arms, sitting carefully beside her on the bed. She sobbed into my chest, her body shaking. I rubbed her back comfortingly, telling her that it was alright, that she was back with us. She told me that it wasn't alright because she still had the memories of what the Goa'uld, Jolinar, had made her do, what it had made her say to get to her friends. She told me that it was like a nightmare, a seemingly never-ending nightmare. I told her that it had ended, but she shook her head. She said that it couldn't end as long as she slept. That was why she hadn't slept at all during all those days after the Goa'uld had died. She was too afraid of dreaming.

I thought for sure my heart was going to break as she said that. Who doesn't want to dream? I told her that I'd stay with her, to help her through the dreams, if she wanted. She pulled back from me, definitely surprised at my offer. I fumbled over words as I tried to explain what I meant, and for the first time in days, she gave me a classic Samantha Carter smile. She accepted my offer and I went to move away to sit on a chair, but she held onto my hand, asking me to hold her. I did as she asked, making us both as comfortable as possible. She giggled, reminiscing about side-arms and ice caves, and I found myself laughing as she told me that it seemed we'd only ever share a bed of any sort when either of us was injured.

Eventually we both drifted off, but it seemed like no time later she woke up screaming, begging Jolinar to stop, to not make her do what he wanted her to do. I held her tight, tears pricking my eyes as I whispered comforting words.

Oh god Sam, how did I do it? How was I able to ignore what was happening to you, why didn't I try harder to help you?

She came back to herself slowly, the tears streaming down her face, and, as she looked at me in the dim light, she saw the tears running down mine. She reached up and brushed them away, trying to comfort me. I closed my eyes as I felt more come at her actions. She curled herself around me, telling me that it was alright, that I had done all I could.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Either she had started reading minds or I had spoken my thoughts aloud. I asked her what she meant, and she repeated my words back to me, and I apologized. She looked up at me, curious. She asked why I was sorry, and I told her that I didn't want to burden her with my problems. She gave me a sad little smile and told me that we're a team, a family, and whatever problems one has, we all do. I found it funny when she said that because I was sure I had said it before. Leave it to Sam to throw my own words back at me.

I kissed her softly on the forehead and thanked her. She lay her head against my chest and we began to talk again, about what was scaring us the most about all that had happened. Amongst other things, she told me that she was most afraid, aside from the dreaming, of having lost trust, and I told her that I was afraid of the same thing. It was a wonderfully revealing and comforting conversation, one I'll, and hopefully she'll, never forget.

We fell asleep once again, but this time, the dreams seemed to be kept at bay, at least the bad ones, and we slept through the night.

How did I do it? I don't know. But I'm just glad that she had still been in there and had fought back to come back to us. We truly do need our friend. I need her.

THE END

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"Demons after money. Whatever happened to the still-beating heart of a virgin? No one has any standards any more."
--Giles, "Enemies"

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