RATING; R (definitely not for children!)





"Well here we are, on P3B whatever, which surprise surprise, seems to be mostly inhabitated by trees. Why do we always land on planets with trees Daniel?"

Daniel ignored his commanding officer and turned to the fifth member of the team. "Well?" he said, excitedly, like a boy showing off his new toy, "What do you think?"

"I have been through the gate before." Janet Frasier replied.

"Yes but never without your environmental suit."

"True," she pondered, then looking at Daniel's glowing, curious face she said, "I liked it. It was nice of you all to ask me along. It makes a change to come through it and NOT have to save someone's life or cure a strange disease."

Sam moved over to her friend. "The probes indicated this planet was very peaceful and untouched by the Gou'ald, so we thought it would be safe for you."

The five of them moved off, Sam and Janet leading.

"Besides," Sam continued, "you did want to go on holiday to someone exotic this year, and this is certainly... oh my!" She stopped suddenly. In front of Janet was a very tall tower. It was round and smooth and VERY large. In fact, it was distinctly phallic. Huge grins spread over the girl's faces.

"You're right." Janet said. "I am going to enjoy myself here."

"What the hell is THAT?"

Sam turned around to face a very discomfited Jack. He was staring at the tower with a very worried expression on his face, and Sam began to feel an irresistible urge to giggle. She bit her lip and turned around.

"Lets go on to the village." she said in a strangled voice, exchanging glances with Janet. "Lets meet the people who... erected... this."

"If you insist." Jack said reluctantly. "Although why you would want to... Daniel, don't TOUCH it for crying out loud!"

It didn't take them long to get to the village. As the drew closer, Sam was relieved to see that the women were adequately and warmly dressed, for once. The men however...

"Oh no." Jack said when he saw them. The men appeared to be wearing nothing but very VERY short skirts. The villagers spotted them, and three women came forward to meet them. The two youngest went straight to Daniel and stood giggling around him.

"How the hell does he do that?" Jack murmured.

"Sir?" Janet asked.

"Every planet, every damn planet we go to, Daniel ends up with some gorgeous girl who wants to marry him and make him King, or just... you know... with her til the cows come home."

"Envious, Colonel?" Janet could see how Daniel's endearing little-boy nature, mixed with rather cute good-looks could be attractive to many women, as opposed to Jack's rather battered, though still gorgeous face.

"Hell no." he said. "I'd be dead within a week." Unless the women were blonde, with big blue eyes, and a gorgeous smile with those cute little dimples and he finally had a chance to find out where that mole was... He

pulled himself together.

The older woman was speaking to Sam. "You've come from very far, haven't you?" Sam nodded. The woman continued. "I presume you're here to join the celebrations. You're welcome, as is everyone. Come with me, I'll find you suitable accomodations and clothes."

"Celebrations?" Daniel asked.

"Fertility rites." the woman answered, smiling at him.

"Fertility." Jack murmured, trying to ignore Sam's futile attempts not to giggle. "That's just great."

The woman turned and looked at him. "Don't worry." she said. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. And I can see you dress differently. We won't force you to wear our style of clothing."

Jack was about to thank her when Daniel interrupted with, "No, actually, I think we will change."

"Danny-boy... have you SEEN what the men wear around here?"

"Yes, but I still think we should do it. It would help us get into the spirit of things. And after all, we made Sam do it."

Jack saw Daniel and Sam exchange glances, and he had a sudden feeling that there was some sort of conspiracy going on between those two... against HIM. "That was different." Jack said, very emphatically. "Sam's dress was long. She didn't flash her... credentials... every time she bent over!"

"No I think he's right sir." Sam said.

"Oh you do, do you?"

"Yes. It would show we are friendly. These people obviously have no fear of the Gou'ald and they might make good allies." Sam's eyes were dancing with laughter.

"Too damn friendly." Jack muttered, but he knew when he was outnumbered. "Alright, I'll do it!"

The woman turned to Teal'c. "You are Jaffa."

"Yes, but he's a good guy." Daniel said hurriedly.

"I know." the woman said. "If he were not, the guardian to our village would have killed him."

"What a way to go." Jack mumured. "Crushed by a giant penis."

"I'll supply you with a different style of clothing." the woman continued. "It'll cover up your Gou'ald."

"Oh great." Jack said. "Junior gets covered up, but one gust of wind and we flash our..."


"Ourselves, Captain. What did you think I was going to say?"


Sam and Janet waited outside the hut the boys were in for a long time. They didn't mind, it was a windy day and they were enjoying the view. The men wore nothing under their skirts, and the wind blew them up easily.

"Is it always like this?" Janet asked.

"Oh no. Usually its me who gets to wear the skimpy clothes. At last its their turn!" Sam smiled happily. She was looking forward to this!

"Skimpy clothes." Janet said. "That's all that happens?"

"Oh no. Quite often there's bad guys, and guns and shouting and running and... oh Janet, look!"

She looked. Daniel came out first. He seemed quite relaxed. Sam was surprised, he was more muscular then she had expected. From the giggles behind her, quite a few of the village women appreciated the sight too. He grinned at Sam, then stepped aside to let Teal'c out. He was wearing a leather tunic, like the ones Roman gladiators wore. He looked magnificent.

Janet's jaw dropped as soon as she saw him. Sam looked round at her friend, enjoying her reaction, so she didn't see Jack until he said, "Happy now?"

She looked. He was standing right in front of her, wearing a very tight, very short skirt. Practically nothing was left to Sam's rather fevered imagination. As she stared at that muscular, slightly hairy chest, she was suddenly aware that she was having trouble breathing.

"Oh yes Sir, very happy!" she managed to croak. He turned to face Teal'c and Daniel, and Sam was suddenly faced with a long brown back. It looked so lean and smooth, she just longed to reach out and touch it, stroke it...

'Stop it!' she told herself. "You're practically drooling, for crying out loud.'

"So what happens now?" Jack was saying.

"Well, there's a celebration." Daniel replied.

"And what will happen at this celebration?"

"Well, its a fertility rite, so..."

"Simply, Daniel."

"Everyone gets drunk and has sex."

"Oh." Everyone? He turned round. If that was the case, he was sticking very close to Sam. He didn't want her getting very drunk, running off with some handsome young athlete, and doing something she ought to regret in the morning. It would be nice if she would run off with him, but he doubted that would happen, so he would just damn well prevent anyone else doing it too.

The woman was back and saying something, but Sam didn't hear her. She was having trouble concentrating with Jack so very nearly naked in front of her. She pulled herself together enough to hear the woman say, "This is our traditional drink. It will make you merry tonight, but you'll will forget it all when you wake up tomorrow."

"Aah, whisky." Jack said.

Janet reached for the glass, took a sip and shook her head. "I'm afraid not sir." she said. "It's not alcoholic."

"Ah well." said Jack, and he swallowed the contents of his glass in one gulp.

As he was reaching for another, he heard Daniel say, "Look at these people. They're so happy, so relaxed. I envy them their lifestyle."

"I envy them their clothes." Jack said, as he emptied another glass.


Hours passed, and darkness fell. Sam and Janet had been talking to some of the village women, and they returned to the men with a slightly worried expression on their faces.

"What is it?" Daniel asked.

"Well," said Janet, "the hooch we've been drinking..."

"The one you said wasn't alcoholic. Jack loves it, he's drunk gallons of it. What about it?"

"It seems its interaction with the body is triggered by chromosomes."

"Which means?" Daniel asked.

"Which means," said Sam, "only the men get drunk."

"Aww hell." Jack said, and passed out.

Sam and Janet stared at him for a moment, then Sam reached over and started to pull him up.

"C'mon sir, I'll take you to your room."

"I will help." said Teal'c.

But Janet practically shouted, "No! I think Sam can manage on her own." she continued, looking significantly at Daniel.

"I agree." he said. "C'mon Teal'c, we'll leave them to it."


Sam finally got Jack into his room. As she got him on to the bed, her hand accidentally slipped under his skirt and...

"Oh my!"

Sam had known younger men, men with more muscle, but they had always proved rather lacking in one important place. Not so with Jack. He more than lived up to the toned perfection of the rest of his body. She just sat there, feeling it harden under her touch, amazed at what her commanding officer had been hiding in his trousers all this time.



"Sam, I think when you've got your hand there, you can call me Jack."

She withdrew her hand suddenly.

"What did you have to do that for?" Jack said, slurring his words. "I was enjoying that."

"I bet."

He sat up suddenly. "Not if it had been anyone else, Sam, just you. You drive me crazy. I'm desperate for you. I want you more than anything else. Why can't you see that?" He slumped back on the bed. "Oh forget it. What has an old guy like me got to offer you anyway?"

"Quite a lot, from what I just felt." Sam stood there and looked at him. He was very drunk, but he was also very ready, willing and able. She fancied him like mad. She had done from the very first moment she had seen him, slouched in his chair, looking battered and tired, and absolutely gorgeous. She doubted he would remember anything in the morning. It was now or possibly never. She couldn't resist. She slipped onto the bed and said, "Go on then, drive ME crazy.".

He stared at her for a moment, then grinned that irresistible grin, and reached over to do just that.


Sam emerged blinking into the early morning light. It had been a good night. Strike that, it had been an AMAZING night. Jack was a remarkably tender lover, not to mention energetic and full of stamina. She was feeling very satisfied with herself.

From the other side of the village, Janet was also emerging from a hut. Sam could see Teal'c looking worn out, but happy, behind her.

Daniel came out too, looking very refreshed. The two girls were giggling behind him. Daniel had thought it his duty to participate FULLY in the celebrations, just to show how friendly they were. Besides, the girls had refused to take no for an answer, and Daniel hated to disappoint anyone. He looked at Sam and Janet, both smiling like cats who had got the cream - more than a few times.

"Good morning." he said.

"Daniel." Janet asked. "Do you remember much about last night?"

"Yes." he said. Janet and Sam glanced at each other in alarm. "But I didn't drink much. The amount Jack put away, I'll be surprised if he can remember his own name this morning."

Sam breathed a sigh of relief. Good as last night was, she doubted if it was something Jack would want to do when he was sober. Regulations and all that.

"However," Daniel continued. "Teal'c larvae should have prevented him getting drunk, so he'll remember everything."

"Will he?" said Janet, unconcernedly. "Oh dear, what a shame." she said with a big grin on her face.


Jack emerged a couple of hours later. The others were ready to go, and as soon as goodbyes were said, they left. Jack caught up to Sam as they left.

"Umm, Carter, I don't really remember last night."

"Don't you Sir?" she said, smiling slightly.

"Did I do anything embarrassing?"

She stopped and looked up at him. She was positively glowing this morning, he noticed, and he thought she had never looked so beautiful.

"You behaved like a perfect gentleman." she said, walking on.

"Good." he replied. He hated to think that he could have behaved improperly in front of Carter. Still, he would have liked to have known what that beatific smile on her face was about, but he guessed it could wait for another time.

The End.

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