I can't. I cannot make this. All the hours and all the sleepless days and nights. 10 days now that I try, that I work ... on my limits. And no success. O God. Where's a kleenex ... need ... no, need none. For what. The tears wet my face, my shirt. Nobody sees, nobody cares about my tear staind face. I cry allone. I cannot make it any longer. I have no hope anymore. To bring him back, to make this construction plan for the accelerator - I am tired - and I want him back - here with me - hearing his sarcastic jokes - see in his funny blinking eyes when he jokes - holding me as he held me after my hypnotic trip to find Daniel. Jack - the man that I love. I never told him about my love - I always hoped sometimes he will see my feeling for him. And now it's too late. Too late. I'll never see him again. Oh God ... Jack ...
My hands are wet, my tears wet the keybord - what would I give to have somebody holding me yet. What would I give for a warm and gentle body I could lean on yet. I'm strong - mostly. I should calm me down - but I can't. Major Samantha Carter - sniffing like a baby - because the magic formular to keep herself strong doesn't functionate. I feel not strong and I cannot make this. I cannot hold on - I feel so empty.
In Antarctica I made it - somehow. But at that time he was there with me. He helped me. He needed me and he was with me. All the strains made sense. Finally the imagination to die with him, touching him, lying next to him was not so bad. He called me Sarah - he thought I was Sarah - the woman he loved, the woman he loves. But finally it was not important for me. Only to feel him on my side - it was worth to die for ...
And now I'm allone. With my knowledge - forced to find the only possibility to bring him home. If he is still alive. We don't know what happend at Edora. Perhaps he is dead , with all the other people who didn't want to come with us. Everybody here hopes that my optimism at the beginning was right. I see General Hammonds eyes. He looks forward to USE the particle beam accelerator. He forces me to go on with my work. And I don't know his true reason. He likes Jack, I think they are friends. Sure he hopes to get him back. He's a good CO. But General Hammond saw lot of friends, lot of good men die in his military career. I think he's more looking forward to have a machine for the fight against the Goa'ould. He forces me because he knows there will never come a time again that i will be so frenzy to bring a plan for constructing the machine to paper. Does he care for Jack? I don't know. Perhaps. In every case he doesn't show a feeling. He's a soldier. He reacts in the same way as Daniel was lost. He cannot afford to show feelings - he would loose some authority. So I don't know what's really important for him.
Normally I try to do that too. Hide my feelings. But I know I am not good in that. And I cannot hide my grief now. Not yet. The tears come and I greet them welcome. Nobody here who sees me, that's ok - I can give in my feelings. I cry allone.
What was the last time I was so sad in that same intensity? What was the last time I felt such a deep deep grief? The last moment I felt so help- and hopeless? Was it the moment I held Cassy in my arms --in that elevater, bringing here deep under the earth to let her to death - allone? I remember that pain as if it was just yesterday. Daniel. He was so good to me. I remember his look at me - he wanted to help me looking for Cassandra - wanted to put a little weight from my shoulders. He understood my relief as we found out the girl was used as a bomb. He tried to help, he knew what I felt. He always knows what I feel. Like we would have an unvisible line between us.
He is like me. He also hides his feeling. It is better to keep our sorrow inside - hard shield around us, let nobody in who could hurt us once more. He also cannot give in his sorrow when somebody is with him. He also would need somebody sometime holding and comforting him.
After Sha're's death I felt his pain too. I just needed to look in his face - his deep blue eyes - he's like an open book for me. I came to him - in his room, on his bed, wanted to give him the comfort he needed so much. But he also cries allone. I saw his tears ... rolling from his cheek - wanted to wipe them away with my hands. I was so near ... to touch him ... to pull him in my arms - but he sent me away. Enclosing himself with an invisible hard shield.
I understand him. As we were on our way to the hell of Sokar, to free dad, the remembering of Jolinar's pain were so strong that I screamed loud in my pain. He came - he hurried on my side, to help me, to hold me. And he couldn 't. He felt my wall I built around me - nobody who can come in. Only one person I would let in - Jack, the man I love.
Oh Daniel. I always feel the smile grow on my face when I think of him, speak his name. He's a so precious person. I am so glad I know him and I can call him my friend. He often came the last days, in the evening, when all is still here in the SGC. Full tanked with his coffee, not able to sleep too. Then he sits here in my lab, on the desk. Brings me coffee. Looks at me with hope in his eyes - hope and doubt. I know he trusts me, but he knows that this is the most difficult work I ever tried - he knows that I'm wondering myself if I can make this. I want to bring Jack home. For me, for Daniel who looks so lost without his friend, for us all.
Does Daniel realize what I feel for Jack? No, I think not. Nobody does. Janet - perhaps Janet.
Daniel wasn't at home the whole time since we are back - like me. He helped to find a temporary home for the people of Edora who followed us. But he didn't go home. He said he cannot be at home - that would be like bring Jack to death - finally. As long he stays here - as long Jack is alive, he sais. He doesn't sleep much. He has black shadows under his eyes - when he sits here with me, late in the night, he often takes off his glasses, rubs his eyes. When I would look in a mirror - I would see the same look on my face. The same red and tired eyes. Yesterday night, I felt him touch my shoulder, whispering my name in my ear, to wake me from an uncomfortable sleeping place on the desk. He orderd me to bed, stood than at my bed, with tired eyes. Shadows under his eyes and shadows on his chin - and cheeks.
For a moment I wanted he'd touch me, would lay down on that bed with me - somebody to hold - somebody to be not allone. He felt it - looked unsure - but then he smiled a half, tired smile and went away to his own room to have a short rest, a short sleep to be able to go on with work and hope tomorrow.
I love you, Jack O Neill. I loved you from the first moment I met you. I saw that blinking light in your eyes - when realizing that Sam's a woman. My words at this first debriefing were hard - too hard. I know you don't have a problem with woman. I always felt respected in SG1, in the team. I always was a full member. You always respected me, you always were correct to me, the whole time we worked together.
I remember our trip in the gliders, escaped in the last moment from Apophis exploding mother ship. We flew in space - looked down to that wonderful planet earth - again meaning that we go to death. I wished so hard that you were with me in that moment. I wished so strong that it was you instead of Teal'c sitting before me. And exactly in this moment I heard your voice in my ear. The first time I had the feeling you ... feel like me.
But nothing happend. We went on in normal work, normal missions. Then Jolinar came. I saw Jack, somehow blurred, with my eyes, but somehow filterd through Jolinar's mind. Jolinar "spoke" to me - the Tok'ra in me knew about my feelings to Jack. He "asked" me about Jack. I was so confused. Perhaps Jolinar let me live because of my love to Jack. Because I didn't had the chance to live this love like Jolinar's host could with Martuf. I think Jolinar respected my love - my first true and painful love in my life - respected it - and died for me.
And I? Do I respect Jolinars gift, my life? Everytime I see Martuf I feel such a strong affection deep within me - but it's not my love. It's Joninars - his/her love goes on in me. But I feel MY love clear and strong when I see Jack. Sometimes I look at him - half hoping he would see my look, half afraid that he would see it. Daydreaming, that I don't only look. That I go to him, confess my love - and then, in my dream, he smiles, embrances me, kisses me, holds and comforts me. His strong arms. Enjoy the secure of his arms, his body. Jack, the man that I love.
Will I ever see him again? Will I ever have the possibility to show him the truth? This love is my secret - in the same way as my tears I shed here in the darkness. It's 2 am now. I'm so tired. I should go to bed. If I have the strengh to stand up I will. I rubb my face with my shirt. Cover my face with the black material. I look up - there's Daniel - I didn't here him come in.
He knows. He sees my red eyes, sees the wet marks on the shirt. He falls on his knees before me, pulls me from my chair. His resolute grip let me give in. This time. His lips are trembling a bit - a tear in his eyes, too, he ... he closes his arms around me. Daniel. That's so good. Hold me, give me the strengh to go on tomorrow. Give me the force to make it. You help me - and I help you. We sit here, together, on the floor. We don't cry allone tonight - not tonight. We hold each other - and cry - cry for the man we love.