samandjack.net

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CATEGORY; ANGST (VERY ANGST!)

SEQUEL; SEQUEL TO STAY WITH ME

ARCHIVE; SAM AND JACK, HELIOPOLIS

AUTHOR'S NOTES; i haven't seen pov, so i'm not quite sure how the quantum mirror works, so excuse any boo-boos - they were meant well. get the kleenex out boys and girls - its going to be messy.


After Jack died, SG1 broke up. We did consider continuing, but I couldn't. Everytime I went through the gate, I would have expected to hear him say something sarcastic, and start an argument with Daniel, and confuse Teal'c. I couldn't have coped with not hearing it. My knowledge was too valuable to SGC to lose though, so I became part of the base-bound technical staff.

Teal'c joined SG5, and Daniel fulfilled his original function, and became a roving consultant to the other teams. We saw each other, but not often, and only in passing. I knew Daniel and Teal'c worried about me, and would rather had seen me a lot, but I couldn't bear the memories they would have brought back.

Which was why it was unusual that I should have been with Daniel that day. We were in the gateroom, examining the glyphs on the ring, when it suddenly

began to spin. We stepped back, almost falling off the ramp.

"Graham?" I called out.

"I'm not doing it ma'am! It's incoming!"

I looked up. Teal'c was in the control room with Lt. Simmons. Both were looking at the screen with a confused look at their faces.

"What are you waiting for?" I called. "Close the iris!"

"There is a problem Major." Teal'c replied. "We are receiving an SG1 signal."

SG1! That was impossible. The signal had never been reassigned. It hadn't been used since SG1 had been disbanded.

"Sir?" Graham asked.

"Keep the iris open. I will go down to the gateroom." Teal'c replied, and by the time the wormhole was established, he was beside me. The three of us, Teal'c Daniel and I stood in front of the gate together for the first time since Jack's death. I think we had an inkling of what was coming through. In a way, it was inevitable that HE would come through.

"Sam?"

It was him. It was Jack, standing there on the ramp, looking battered and tired, but alive! Oh my God, alive! I moved to rush to him, but Teal'c held me back.

"Identify yourself?" he said.

"Who the hell are you?" Jack replied.



xxxxx



"So, I touched the mirror. There was a flash, but nothing else happened, until I got here and there's a whopping great Jaffa holding Sammy down!"

"Sammy?" I said, but Daniel interrupted Jack's reply.

"The same happened to me! Didn't it happen to your Daniel Jackson?"

Jack looked stern, and slightly worried. Its the look he has - did have - when he feels he's failed.

"Daniel Jackson allowed himself to be taken over by a Gou'ald." Jack replied.

Daniel wasn't thrown at all. "Fascinating! What else is different? Is Sam there?"

That's when he smiled at me. Oh God, I'd forgotten that smile! That secret little grin we used to share when Daniel got over-excited! That soft tender sharing smile! It suddenly all twisted inside me, how much I'd lost, how much I'd never see again. I hadn't faced up to his death since I came back, but now it suddenly hit me. There he was, in front of me, the same man, perhaps even the same feelings, and he wasn't mine! I could feel the grief welling up inside, choking me. I ran from the room.

Behind me, I could hear Daniel say, "You're dead here." and then I was gone.



xxxxx



Teal'c found me in the lab three hours later. I was sitting in the dark, but he didn't seem surprised. He just switched the lights on.

"We will be sending him back soon." he said quietly. I said nothing. Teal'c continued. "It seems on his world, they are losing the battle against the Gou'ald. They never met the Tok'ra, the Nox, the Tollans or the Asgardians. I have given him directions on where to find these people. With this knowledge, he can save his people. It seems he was bought here by fate."

I merely nodded. I didn't know what Teal'c was up to, I only knew that he was saying more to me now than I had said to him in the past three months.

"Daniel Jackson and I have both agreed that you should be the one to take him back and see him through the mirror.".

"No!" I was surprised at Teal'c. Couldn't he see that I couldn't bear to spend a minute with this man? Couldn't bear to be reminded of what I had almost had, but lost?

"I will not go!" I said.

Teal'c merely nodded, and said, "I have recently discovered that I am entitled to a rank, befitting my previous service, and my service to SGC. I am in fact a Lieutenant-colonel. I believe that outranks you, Major."

I stared at him. I could hardly believe what I was hearing! "Are you ordering me to go Teal'c?"

"I am informed by Daniel Jackson that I can do that."

"Daniel."

He moved closer to me, so I could see right into his eyes. "This might, perhaps," he said, "present you with an opportunity to say goodbye."



xxxxx



Which is how I came to be in the gateroom with the other Jack twenty minutes later.

"Ahh, Major." he said.

I didn't look at him, but I knew he was looking at me slightly worried, trying to work out what he'd done to upset me and what he had to do right to fix it. I ignored him.

"Let's get this over with." I snapped curtly, as I went through the wormhole. I could feel him watching me, feel those dark eyes full with concern, watching me, as HIS used to - but I refused to look at him.



xxxxx



We went through. Behind me, I heard him arrive, heard him stop to look at the wormhole as it closed, as he often did. Every movement, every sound that he made jolted through me like a shock. I couldn't bear to have him this close. It was agonising, like opening an old scar to pour salt on it, only my wound had never closed. There was no scar tissue, just a hurt bleeding lump where my heart should have been

"Let's go." I said.

"Major, have I done something to upset you?" he said.

Yes, I thought. You're alive, and he isn't. You're living and breathing and laughing and talking, and he is just a cold lump in the ground, and I will never touch him, or flirt with him, or drink beer with him, or kiss him again.

I turned to face this Jack fully, meeting his eyes, like I would have done with the old one. I was surprised.

Oh my God! It still happened. The jolt still went through me, that warm delicious trembling shock I'd got whenever Jack looked at me - it was still there when he looked at me - and I started to get an idea.

"No, you haven't upset me." I said. "It's just, I'm upset by seeing you."

"I know I'm dead here..."

"Do you know how?" I whispered.

He shook his head.

"You died in my arms. I had my hand in your guts for nearly two hours, trying to hold you together, but you bled to death in my arms. Your last words were 'I love you'. You'd never said them to me before, and now you'll never say them again."

Unless I keep you here.

"Wow. Rough." he said, shaking his head. His hand reaches out to touch me gently on the shoulder, just as HE used to do to comfort me.

"I'm sorry." he said. "I wish I could help."

I was about to say, you can help, stay with me, when I glanced towards the mirror. It was pitch black, but then it cleared - and I saw her. A woman who looked just like me. She looked worried and lost and alone, but trying so hard to be brave and strong. I suddenly realised what I'd be doing, if I persuaded him to stay. If he stayed, she'd lose him. He wouldn't die in her arms, telling her he loved her. He wouldn't die at all. He would just disappear, and she would spend the rest of her life looking for him, searching for him. She would never know he loved her, she would never know that what she felt was returned. I at least knew that. I knew what had happened to my Jack. I knew what he had felt for me. I had had a chance to say goodbye. I was devastated, but it would be worse for her. I couldn't do it. He belonged to that other me, and I couldn't break her heart like mine had been broken.

"Jack." I said urgently. "Jack, your Sam, do you love her? And don't spout all that crap about regulations. Just answer me, do you love her?"

"I don't know, I never thought about it."

"Like hell you haven't. Tell me the truth."

He looked at me, searching my face. I think he realised there was no point lying, because he said, "Yeah, I think I do. What's that got to do with anything?"

"Because, if she's anything like me, she loves you too. She loves you desperately, with all her heart and soul. You've got to tell her how you feel. You've got to have the time together that my Jack and I never had. Don't you see? I'm giving you the chance to put right the mistakes my Jack and I made!"

He looked down at me with those dark, hidden eyes, then nodded. "I'll do it."

"Good. there's just one more thing, then you have to go."

"What is it?"

"This."

I looked at him for one last time. I drank in every plane of his face, every slight expression in his eyes. I committed to memory the way he stood, held his gun, smiled. I reached forward, revelling in the feel of his muscle under my hand, pulled him towards me and kissed him long and deep and hard, so that I would have one kiss I could remember and treasure.

"Thank you." I said.

"You're welcome." he replied, looking confused as he walked to the mirror.

On the other side, I could see her. That other me. I think she saw us kiss. If she did, I hope she understands why. I just needed one last memory to keep me going. Now, he's hers forever, and I'm alone again.



The End.




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