She didn't know how long she had been driving. The sun had set ages ago. Stars shone from a clear night sky. The numbness and shock were starting to wear off. Memories of the day's events starting to crowd her mind. With them, came the emotions, threatening to overwhelm her.
\"I'm talking about getting you into NASA, Sam."\
Her father's voice crashed over her.
\"I'm talking about you actually going into space someday."\
The memory of Jake Carter's expression of joy tore into her. How could she turn him down. Once, her fondest wish was to go into space. Until the Stargate came along.
\"I have cancer, Sam."\
Her father was dying.
\"If its my dream, doesn't that make it up to me?"\
\"Fathers have dreams too."\
\"I'm sorry. I can't."\
\"Alright." Disappointment filled his voice, shone in his eyes.\
Tears burned in the back of her eyes. Her vision blurred as they welled up. She pulled over, burying her head in her arms. Biting her lip, she struggled to rein in her emotions.
Regaining some of her composure, she looked up to study her surroundings. She recognized the street she was parked on. Her commanding officer lived a few houses down. But he wouldn't be there. He would be with Daniel tonight, trying to help him deal with his own anguish. She should just turn around and go home. But, as she started her car moving, she found herself driving the short distance to his house. All the while, telling herself that he wasn't home.
To her surprise, she saw lights blazing from the house and his car parked in the driveway. Before she could think, she pulled into the driveway behind the car. The front door opened as she walked up to it. Jack stood in the entrance, the light from inside spilling out into the night.
Without a word, he held the door open for her. She walked in, her arms wrapped tightly around her. She stopped in the middle of the living room. The door closed quietly behind her and she felt him move closer to her.
Sam moved away from him. Her arms were still crossed over her chest. Her emotions barely under control, she focused on another concern. "I thought you were with Daniel tonight."
Jack watched her, how she was huddled into herself. "I was until he fell asleep. Teal'c is still with him."
"How is he?" She turned to look at him. Her mask was starting to crack. He could see pain in the depths of her eyes. Pain and a deep sadness.
"Hurting bad. We spent most of the night talking. He fell asleep an hour ago. I didn't want to leave him alone, so Teal'c said he would stay with him."
He moved closer to her, unable to bear the suffering he saw in her eyes, the way she seemed to be closing down emotionally, without touching her. He knew that human touch was sometimes the only balm to ease a batter heart. Sam was so open with her feelings and with other people. It hurt him to see her in pain, retreating inside of herself.
"I wanted to come home. I was hoping you would show up tonight." Her head jerked up at this, surprise in her blue eyes. "Something else happened in Washington, something that is still upsetting you." He rested his hands on her shoulders. "Sam..." His voice conveyed his feeling of helplessness in the face of her pain.
"You once said to me that if I ever needed a friend you would be here." To her dismay, her voice wavered, almost cracking under the emotional burden she was under. She gazed up at him, trying to gather the frayed ends of her emotions together. He was watching her, concern shining from his warm brown eyes.
"I think I really need a friend tonight." Her voice cracked, a sob catching in her throat. Tears spilled from her eyes. Jack took one step towards her and she found herself wrapped in his arms. The tears came harder. Unable to control them, she buried her head against his chest and cried. Her body shook from the force of her sobs. He tightened his arms around her, holding her harder against him. All the grief came out. Her father dying from cancer. The disappointment in her, that she would refuse his last wish. Her refusal to even fulfill his dying wish. It all came out.
Jack just held her, whispering meaningless words, rocking gently. One hand lightly stroking her hair. The warmth and solidity of his embrace easing some of her grief. This was what she had been searching for all night. A trusted friend to hold onto her as she cried. Arms that wouldn't let her go. The strong beat of a heart under her ear, soothing her.
They stayed like that for a long time. Spent, she rested against him, listening to his heart beat. He held her, still rocking, still stroking. No questions. No demands. Just a friend comforting her. Finally, reluctantly, she raised her head to look up at him. His eyes held only concern for her. With the hand that had been stroking her hair, he wiped away the tears drying on her face. Long fingers trailed across her cheeks, a gentle caressing movement.
Taking her hand, he lead her to the sofa. He settled in one corner, pulling Sam down beside him and tucking her against him, under the curve of one arm. She leaned against him, soaking up his warmth and concern.
"You want to talk about it now?" His voice, soft and undemanding, flowed over her.
She took a none too steady breath. "My father is dying." Tears glimmered again. "He has cancer. But that's not all. He's gotten me into NASA, ahead of everyone else. He's always wanted me to be in the program. And until the Stargate project came along, it was also my fondest dream. To travel to the stars, walk on the moon. And now he's dying and I can't tell him what I'm doing." Her voice cracked. Jack held her tighter, not saying anything. He rubbed his chin against her hair, silently reassuring her.
"God, Jack. He's dying and I can't, I won't even fulfill his dying wish. You should have seen the look on his face. Disappointment that I would deny him his last wish." Anguish and pain laced her voice. "I feel like a failure as a daughter because I won't even try to fulfill his last request of me. And I can't even tell him that what I'm doing is far more exciting then anything that's going on at NASA."
"Oh, Sam." He started rocking gently again, trying to ease the pain he heard in her voice. He didn't offer any words of assurance that everything would be alright. They both knew that everything wouldn't be alright. Besides, their friendship precluded them from lying to one another, even lies meant to comfort. And that wasn't what she wanted from him. She just wanted him to hold her, to listen to her, to comfort her with his touch.
After awhile, Jack stirred. He glanced at Sam, her golden head resting on his shoulder.
"It's late." She shifted, looking up at him. "I should be going." she said.
"Stay."
She looked into his eyes. Then she nodded.
Jack stood up, taking her with him. It pained him to see the deeply etched grief in her eyes. "Come on. I'll lock up while you're getting ready for bed."
"Thanks Jack."
He caressed her cheek. "Go to sleep, Sam." She leaned briefly into his hand before moving away.
He watched her disappear down the hall then turned to shut off the lights and check the locks. Finished, he followed her.
Moonlight filtered through the window. The curtains had been left open, illuminating the figure in bed. She was curled up on her side, her back to the door. Quietly, he undressed, tossing the clothes in one corner of the room. Clad in only his boxers, he slid under the covers, spooning himself against her back.
As she felt his long legs rubbing against her, she turned in his arms. Their legs tangled together as they cuddled in a warm embrace. Her head rested against his chest, tucked under his chin. His arms held her, cradled her. One hand lightly stroking her back as she closed her eyes. She thought she felt his lips brush against her temple as she let sleep claim her, held secure in his arms.
"Sleep, Sam. I'll be right here." His words were whispered to the now sleeping woman. Even in sleep, her face still bore the sorrow she was feeling. Gazing sightlessly out the window, he continued to rub her back, listening to her slow, deep breathing. It was a long time before he succumbed to sleep. But even in sleep he cradled her close to him.
_______________________________________________________________
The End.
Story Notes: SPOILERS: Secrets, Second season.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]