In My Dreams by Michelle Birkby

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Story Notes: FEEDBACK; MBIRKY@HOTMAIL.COM

RATING; PG

SPOILER/SEQUEL; COMPANION PIECE TO AFTER THE END.

ARCHIVE; HELIOPOLIS AND SAM AND JACK PLEASE

AUTHOR'S NOTES; ok, here's the second fic. some of you may remember a story called after the end i wrote (its on the s and j archive). well, this is sort of a companion piece. the other dealt with jack's thoughts, this deals with sam's thought.

It all went wrong when Daniel died. The Colonel had gone through first, pushed by me. I'd fallen, and Daniel had stopped to pick me up, and that was when he got shot, helping me, protecting me. I got him through the gate, but he collapsed in my arms. I held my hand against the wound, desperately trying to stop the bleeding, but it didn't work. He just stared right into my eyes, looking so young and vulnerable, and died. I don't think I've ever recovered from it.

I left, not looking at Jack as I did so. I'd failed. Daniel had died because of me, because I'd been careless and stupid. I couldn't bear to go back. Because of me, a good man had died. My helpless, innocent, loving friend had bled to death in my arms, and his blood was on my hands, both literally and figuratively. I'd hoped Jack would come to find me, tell me it was alright, forgive me, but he never did.

I joined the space program, as I had promised my father I would. It no longer held the thrill for me it once did though. The lumbering, interminably slow journeys that were little more than a trip to the moon and back couldn't compare to the swift exhilarating journey through the gate. Where once I would have been thrilled beyond belief to see the surface of the moon, now I could only think of all the planets I'd seen, walked on, whose air I breathed. When my fellow astronauts read of claims of life on distant planets, they guffawed and snorted in disbelief. I couldn't tell them that they were wrong. It was all classified, and anyway, who would have believed that I had once travelled to distant planets as easily as stepping through a doorway? I scarcely believed it myself, if it wasn't for the dreams.

The dreams. In my dreams, we were all together again. Daniel was alive, and Teal'c was there, and Jack... Jack was always there. We'd be on Abydos, or P3X595, or some other exotic planet, and we'd be laughing, happy, talking, like we used to. There were adventures, and danger, but we'd always come out safely. Maybe a little hurt, a little wiser, but always alive, because we were SG1, and we were invincible. Immortal.

And then I would wake up, and Daniel was dead, and Jack wasn't beside me, and Teal'c was away, fighting.

After a while, the dreams changed. Teal'c and Daniel faded from them. I tried to hold onto them, but they slipped through my fingers. I forgot the distant lands, the ancient people. All that was left was Jack. Jack. I dreamed of him in ways I had never thought of in reality. I dreamed of us together. I dreamed of us holding, touching, kissing. I dreamed of us declaring our love for each other. When I woke up, I knew.

I was in love with Jack. And he was gone from my life forever.

I would sit up for hours, watching Notorious. I loved that film. It was a story of love rejected and almost lost, but finally won. On a good night I saw it as an omen. On a bad night, I cried and sobbed for what I had lost, not not holding on, for not realising I loved Jack earlier.

Once, in the shuttle, I had a different dream. I dreamt he was at his telescope on top of his house, watching me. I dreamt he called out to me, "I need you Sam. Come back to me."

But it was only a dream.

Then we had the accident. I can't tell you the details. I don't remember them. All I know is, a friend died. I remember lying, floating, weightless, calmly waiting for my own death. I'd cut my cheek, and the blood floated past my eyes, beautiful red globes, like Christmas tree decorations.

I closed my eyes, and waited.

Then I saw him. I saw him sitting at home, staring up into the night sky, begging me to live, to hold on, to come back to him, because he loved me, and I was never to leave him. Never!

I gasped. "Jack?"

I pulled myself back from the brink of death, and held on to life, throughout the waves of pain that enveloped me, ignoring, and finally letting go of, the guilt I'd felt since Daniel's death. I pulled my dead companion's body off the controls, and set about making my way back down to Earth.

A few months later, I got the invitation to Teal'c's funeral. I wasn't sure if I should go. Jack would be there, and I wasn't sure I could cope with seeing him. He'd probably be with Sara, and I didn't want to see that. I just wanted to remember the Jack I saw in my dreams. Still, I went, to honour Teal'c, my brave and loyal friend.

I was late, and I didn't have time to talk to anyone before the funeral. We stood around the grave in the pouring rain, watching Teal's coffin being lowered in. I didn't look at Jack. My mind was filled with thoughts of Teal'c. I was thinking of our first meeting, of how he had given up his life in an instant because he believed he was right. Of how Jack would tease him, and how Daniel would play ancient Egyptian games with him, 'touching history' he called it. I mourned my friend.

As I walked away, I felt a sudden familiar sensation, a sudden shiver down the back of my neck.

"Sam."

It was him. I stared right up into his dark eyes, and my heart almost stopped. I'd almost forgotten how easy it was to drown in those eyes.

"Sir!"

It was a reflex action, to call him that. I'd almost never called him Jack.

"I think you can drop the Sir now."

I took a deep breath and said it. "Jack." I smiled. It felt good to say his name. I wanted to say more, but couldn't. I glanced round. There was no sign of Sara. We exchanged a few words about the space program, my heart thumping so hard the whole time I was sure he was able to see it.

I said something about leaving, and he said, "Stay."

Stay. What did he mean, stay? Did he mean stay in his home, his bed, his life? I could feel time slow, almost stop. There was nothing in the world but he and I, teetering on the edge of a precipice.

"Stay where?" I asked.

"SGC."

That was not the answer I wanted, hoped for. Not the answer he would have given in my dreams.

"Sir? I mean Jack? What are you talking about?"

He mumbled something about SGC going back to its original mission, and wanting both of us again, but I barely heard. All I knew was that he didn't want me. He didn't need me. The Jack of my dreams didn't exist, and it was time I stopped dreaming. I turned to go.

"Come back Sam." he whispered suddenly.

"Back to SGC?"

He bites his lip, and I suddenly feel time stop again. "No... back to me."

I stared at him. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I'd heard him say the same thing in my dreams so many times, I can hardly believe that he's saying it now, for real.

"I need you Sam." he says quickly, all in a rush, as if he's afraid I'll run away before he can say it all. "There hasn't been a day - an hour when I haven't wanted you with me. Its been hell without you. I'm not good with words and I know its probably too late to say this but - I love you Sam."

He loves me. I've waited to hear those words for so long, but never really believed I would. I turned my head, so I couldn't see him, and stared into the distance. I was struggling to control myself, not to burst into tears and collapse on the ground. All those years I've dreamt of him, and it was all true.

"Ummm... Sam?" he says, his voice apprehensive.

"I wish you'd told me before." I turn to look at him. God, he looks awful. He looks like he's been to hell, and is only now beginning to see the way back, and the light guiding him is me. "I needn't have bothered booking a hotel room."

I can feel myself changing, glowing, as I watch the joy enter his eyes, the smile cross his face. God I love that smile. Why hadn't I come back sooner?

"You don't know what I've been through." I try to explain, but I'm aware that words are inadequate to describe what I've felt. I try though. "All those years, wanting desperately to tell you, but I couldn't, even though you were right there. I was afraid you'd reject me, that I was wrong about what you felt. It was agony. When Daniel died and I left, I thought I'd escaped, but you followed me Jack. I've never been able to get you out of my mind. I love you Jack. I always have."

We stand there, in the pouring rain, staring at each other, hardly able to believe what the other has said. He opens his mouth to speak, but then changes his mind. He reaches for me, slowly, and I'm trembling. I reach up, and wrap my arms round his neck. He kisses me, lightly at first, then deeper as I respond.

I have him in my arms at last, and it is all much, much better than my dreams.

The End.

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