Daniel Jackson landed on the ground with a thud. "Oww!" he cried, rubbing his butt as he stood. "Couldn't I have descended a bit *slower*!" he called up to the glowy people above him. If he hadn't known any better he would have thought that they'd done that deliberately. Of course that couldn't be true because he was Daniel Jackson and everybody *loved* Daniel Jackson.
"Thanks, guys!" he called, wondering why they were rushing away. He guessed they didn't like goodbyes either.
Walking over to the dais, Daniel punched in the glyphs for Earth and grabbed the GDO from his pocket. He'd taken it last time he was on Earth, just in case he decided he wanted to go home. He punched in SG-1's remote iris code before stepping through the wormhole...
*****
"Who's knocking?" Jack asked, walking up beside his 2IC.
She turned to look at him, shrugging. "Not sure, Sir," she replied.
"I'm receiving a code," Davis exclaimed. "It's an old SG-1 code," he told them, eyes wide.
"Well, that can't be. We're all here," Jonas supplied.
"Indeed we are," Teal'c added.
"Close the iris, Sergeant," Hammond ordered.
Davis did as he was told but not quite soon enough and Daniel Jackson managed to get half-way through the wormhole. The iris snapped shut, effectively cutting him in half. His head and upper torso rolled noisily down the ramp before coming to rest at the bottom.
"Ow," Jack muttered. "That had to hurt." He looked down at the half body, wondering why he didn't feel terrible. 'Because you've already grieved for him and moved on,' he told himself.
Satisfied he wasn't a callous bastard, he turned to look at his 2IC. "Cake?" he asked, giving her that smile that always turned her insides to mush.
She grinned a megawatt smile back at him. "Yes, Sir," she replied, and followed him out of the control room.
*****
Of course, because Daniel was really a god and not a man, he came back to life and, by ascending once more, managed to get his body back. "I still want to return to my friends," he told Oma.
Oma agreed, quite quickly Daniel thought, but he was sure that was only because she wanted what was best for him. So she helped him descend once more. This time though, Daniel landed on his head as he hit the ground. "This descending is dangerous!" he told himself, once more dialing up Earth. He was quicker this time, giving the code and racing through the wormhole. He made it onto the ramp and sighed in relief, only to realize that he was alone. There were no SF's standing guard.
Finding that strange, Daniel looked up into the control room and saw SG-1, Hammond and Janet staring down at him. He grinned, thinking he'd shocked them by coming back from the dead and returning once more. He waved at them but they simply stared. Then Daniel got the feeling that he wasn't really alone and turned around. There, behind the 'Gate, stood a dozen giant fire ants, staring hungrily at him. Daniel screamed shrilly, scrambling down the ramp, but the ants gave chase and soon had him.
Daniel cried out as they stung him, each sting burning worse than a staff blast. He looked at his arm, seeing the large, red welts forming on his skin. They continued stinging him and soon he could no longer move, lying helpless on the floor as the ants then started to devour him.
Jack turned to Sam, who was morbidly fascinated by the scene before them. "Well, I was gonna ask you to join me for cake, but I think that's put me off eating for a month. How about some coffee?"
"Sure, Sir," Sam replied, bidding farewell her teammates and following the Colonel out of the room.
*****
Daniel, who was determined to descend and stay alive long enough to say hello to his friends, decided to try again but this time asked to descend on Earth, thinking it would be safer. So he descended in the briefing room, miraculously landing on his feet. Grinning at his cleverness, he turned to see SG-1, Hammond and Janet sitting at the briefing room table.
"Daniel!" Jonas cried, happy to see his people hadn't really killed him. He got to his feet, rushing over to hug him.
Daniel looked slightly scared at that, backing up slightly so that he stood up against the stair railing. Jonas was a little overenthusiastic unfortunately and when he reached him, he was traveling too fast. As such Daniel was propelled over the railing and landed head first on the stairs below. Everyone heard a sickening crunch as Daniel's neck was broken on impact.
There was a deathly silence in the room, which was finally broken by Teal'c, "I believe you have killed Daniel Jackson."
"Shake it off, Jonas," Jack told him. "We all have our bad day. Least this time you actually know he's dead."
Jonas nodded. "You're right, Colonel. Thanks."
Sam turned to her CO, happy he was being nice to their new teammate. She decided to reward him. "So, Sir, how about we go to my quarters and have cake... on me?"
Jack looked her up and down as his mind headed south, but the glint in her eye told him that was exactly what she'd meant. "Yes, ma'am!" he agreed, and they quickly left.
"Great," Janet muttered. "They get to go off and have sex while I have to cut up Daniel Jackson... again. This is getting tiresome."
"Perhaps we could have sex when you're finished?" Jonas suggested, wanting to make her feel better. Janet almost choked on the air she was breathing.
"I'm sorry, was that too direct?" he asked. "I just wanted to make you feel better."
Janet grinned. "Meet me in my quarters in an hour," she ordered.
*****
Daniel thought he'd try descending in the infirmary this time. After all, what could hurt him in the infirmary? Unfortunately, his descending took place at the precise moment that a captured Goa'uld symbiote the SGC had acquired escaped from its holding tank. Before Daniel even knew what happened, the symbiote was worming its way in the back of his neck.
Daniel's eyes flashed and he turned his sights on Janet, who had just hit the panic button. "Kneel before your God!" he hollered, heading towards her.
Jonas had been helping the cook in the commissary when he heard the alarm. Worried for his new lover, he rushed to the infirmary, getting there just as Daniel grabbed Janet's arms. Acting on instinct, Jonas rushed at Daniel with the meat cleaver he still held in his hand. He struck the Goa'uld right in the base of the skull, knowing he would hurt the symbiote if he hit the brainstem. The blue blood that accompanied the spurts of red indicated he had hit his target.
He sighed in relief, letting go of the meat cleaver and reaching for Janet. He had just pulled her into a hug when Sam and Jack ran into the infirmary.
"What happened?" Sam asked, breathless.
"Daniel tried to descend again, but the Goa'uld larva got out and infected him," Janet told them, still shaking. "He came after me, but thankfully Jonas came in and killed him."
"Well done, Jonas!" Sam praised. "You saved the day!"
Jack wandered over to look at the body, grimacing when he spotted the blue blood. "Ya think that he'd get the hint, wouldn't you?" Jack thought aloud.
Sam nodded her agreement, moving to cuddle up to him. "Why don't we all go and get cake?" she asked. "We need to celebrate Jonas' heroism."
They all agreed and headed to the commissary.
*****
Daniel asked Oma to let him descend once more but she refused. He begged and pleaded and threatened but she was adamant that the fates were trying to tell him something. He was going to do it anyway, without the help of the others, as Orlin had done. He found his friends in the commissary and was about to make his grand entrance when he saw them all laughing and eating cake. He saw how happy they were without him and how much Jonas was liked.
He'd never thought that Jonas could replace him. After all Jack was great at holding a grudge and Jonas had been somewhat responsible for Daniel's death. Watching them though, it was obvious that Jack had let Jonas into his life. They sat opposite each other, joking about their women.
"You now see the truth that the fates were trying to show you," Oma said, from beside him.
"They don't want me anymore," he sulked.
"They have accepted your decision. It is time for you to do the same."
Daniel reluctantly agreed and returned to the glowy people, leaving the new SG-1, Janet and Hammond to live happily ever after.
THE END
Story Notes: CONTENT WARNING: language, violence, character death, sexual innuendo, bad humor.
SEASON/SEQUEL: Season 7
SPOILERS: Season 7 (only that a certain someone returns), Meridian, Ascension
AUTHORS NOTES: This is for the gal's in the AIM chat. I don't think I missed any ideas, did I? This is very tongue-in-cheek and not meant to be taken seriously. Just a way of releasing my frustrations regarding the recent news.
SEASON/SEQUEL: Season 7
SPOILERS: Season 7 (only that a certain someone returns), Meridian, Ascension
AUTHORS NOTES: This is for the gal's in the AIM chat. I don't think I missed any ideas, did I? This is very tongue-in-cheek and not meant to be taken seriously. Just a way of releasing my frustrations regarding the recent news.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]