Emotions by chiroho

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Story Notes: Content Warning: Nothing blatant

Season/Sequel info: From seasons 3 through 7

Spoilers: A Hundred Days, Shades of Grey ,Tangent, Abyss, Paradise Lost, Lost City Part 2

Author's Notes - Wrote these nearly three weeks ago. I think I started when I was having a bad day. Sent them off to Allie O'N, who did her usual spiffy beta job. What would I do without her?

*

Denial

Sometimes it's harder than others. Frequently it seems impossible. It's nearly always unhealthy. More and more it requires an almost conscious effort, a need to push the emotions aside. Fortunately, she's become good at this over the years. She's been told that her ability to focus on one thing to the exclusion of all others was a handicap. She doesn't believe that now, and never really has. It's currently the only thing that keeps her going. She knows she should stop, admit the loss - but she can't. She has to finish the particle generator. Only then will she rest.

*

Betrayal

As the sound of footsteps fades, a cold hand clutches her heart. To be ruthlessly pushed aside is never easy - your self-worth crushed, then blown away like dust on the wind. It is even harder coming from a colleague, a friend. Was it something she'd done, or said? How can she think differently? She struggles to turn away from the light that suddenly gleams with bitter cold, it's blue hued glow reaching out with seeming malice. What had once held such promise, now seems distant, even empty. Could one person's leaving mean so much? Her heart already knows the answer.

*

Despair

At first there was nothing, an all pervading numbness. This was followed by the anger, the outrage at the injustice of the situation. Then came the realization that she was responsible. Because of her, two people, more than just colleagues, were lost - forever to drift in emptiness. That was when the despair arrived, an urgent pain that hammered into the very depths of her soul, pounding in the realization that she had caused this, that blood covered her hands. Her own eagerness had resulted in failure. Then static crackled, and she heard his voice. Hope glimmered beyond her despair.

*

Guilt

Despite being the only option, the last and most desperate choice, the guilt wrapped around her like a cloying blanket. Even though the alternative was unthinkable, she was the one that had convinced him. She knew his feelings, but only saw what her own loss would be had nothing been done. She bears the blame for the result. How could she have been so self-centred, so conscious of the loss that she hadn't thought about what the impact might be on him? Would he ever forgive her? Would she be able to forgive herself? Right now, she simply didn't know.

*

Anger

It seemed a tint of red constantly crept into the edges of her vision, a haze that threatened to cover her eyes completely. Why did nobody respect her? Why wouldn't they listen to her? She knew that the technology was like nothing they'd ever seen. She knew that it was difficult. But they didn't care! They just wanted to go home. She'd worked her ass off, and they just wanted to pack it in! Didn't anyone else care that Jack was missing . . . then the hint of red faded, and her shoulders slumped. Would they ever find him?

*

Loss

Once more she stands, her heart and soul bared, and then broken. How many times would this price be paid, the ultimate sacrifice? How many times must he give of himself? She looked up into his unblinking eyes - was it ever worth it? She felt the support of the friends by her side. They would not give up. And yet there was a gnawing fear that this time would be the last. This time, his luck wouldn't hold. This time, she wouldn't be able to find the answer - and she'd never be able to tell him how she felt.

~end~

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