Bottomless Pit.
I am standing on the edge of a cliff,
Rocks crumbling and falling beneath me.
I glance down and see the small rocks fall,
They fall
And fall
Never hitting the bottom.
I gaze up to the beautiful blue sky,
There isn't a cloud to be seen.
There's no noise, nor any movement,
No clouds
No wind
There is just me, I'm all alone.
I turn to see the source of a noise,
He is running towards me.
The rocks below me crumble more,
I fall
He reaches
He misses and I continue falling.
My screams stop, I notice the peace and quiet,
He watches, pain and fear on his face.
I'm falling slower now, looking around,
Hands reach
Try to grasp
People reach out of the wall, they miss me.
*****
He had to find her. He had to find her before she left. She couldn't leave, he wouldn't let her. She was too important to him and he wouldn't let her walk out of his life. He had just seen the transfer form on General Hammond's desk. He couldn't believe it, she was leaving and Hammond had approved it. He needed to find out why she was leaving.
He knocked on the locker room door and a woman poked her head round the door, "How can I help you, Colonel?"
"Have you seen Captain Carter?"
"No sir, sorry." She closed the door and he decided to check Carter's quarters again. He knocked on the door but there was no reply. He tried the door handle. It wasn't locked. He opened the door and saw her bent over her bed. She was packing her stuff.
"Captain, I've been looking for you," he said.
She jumped at the sound of her voice, "Sir!"
"We need to talk," he said closing the door behind him.
"I'm a bit busy at the moment, sir."
"Where are you running to?" He asked straddling the chair backwards.
"I'm not running anywhere."
"Looks like it to me."
"You need your eyes checked then, sir." she added as an afterthought.
She continued to pack her stuff and he watched her silently. He didn't know what to say. He wanted to know what was bothering her, why she was leaving and why she hadn't told him but she wouldn't answer him if he asked. So instead of wasting his breath he watched her.
She could feel his eyes watching her. The feel made her pulse quicken and a sweat to break out, although that was probably due to her current predicament. She began to breath faster. She couldn't get enough oxygen, it was as if the oxygen had been sucked from the room. She bent over to place more clothes in the suitcase.
She couldn't tell him what was going on. She didn't know what was going through her own mind. Don't lie, she thought to herself, you know exactly what's going on, it's not as if it's never happened before. She could feel the tears brimming once more. She could feel the pain shoot through her stomach. Taking a deep breath she shut the pain out.
Standing up straight again her head began to spin. She raised a hand to her head as the ringing in her ears got louder. Her vision blurred as she lost consciousness.
He watched her, she did not look well.
"Sam?" He said, growing more concerned. He saw her knees begin to buckle and he ran to her. He caught her just as she began to fall and he laid her on the floor. He sat on the floor and cradled her head in his lap as he waited for her to wake up.
Now he was really worried about her. She had become distant and quiet recently. He was not the only one to notice, the rest of SG-1 and General Hammond had as well. Sam had a problem with concentrating, she was forgetting things and she wasn't interested in sex anymore. Of course, Jack had been the only one to notice that one. Her fainting just proved that something was wrong and he knew running away never solved anything.
She tried to open her eyes. Where was she? She last remembered standing by her bed and now she was lying on the floor with something under her head. As the feeling returned to her she could feel the dull, constant but comforting pain in her stomach, She forced her eyes to open and she cringed when she saw his face.
"Sam, are you okay?"
"Fine," she said trying to sit up. Her head was spinning so she stayed where she was, "Maybe I'll stay here for a while."
He nodded as he began to absently stroke her hair, "I'm going to get Doc to come and take a look at you."
"No!" She shouted forcing herself to sit up. She had to make him see that she was okay. There was no way he, nor anyone else, were going to find out what was going on. Realising that she had sounded extremely harsh she added, "No, I'm fine. I just came over slightly dizzy."
He looked at her suspiciously, "That was no simple dizzy spell and you know it."
She moved away from him and leaned against the bed, "It's none of your business."
"I'm making it my business and if I have to I'll order you to tell me."
Tears of anger sprung to her eyes, "You can't someone to open up, just like you can't order someone to have a certain feeling. Feelings and emotions can't be switched on and off like a light. If a person is feeling dark a flick of a switch will not brighten their mood. It just doesn't work like that." The tears stayed where they were as her anger dissipated.
"When have I ever told you to have a certain feeling?"
"The air force do it all the time. Don't get emotionally involved, always keep your distance, don't have romantic feelings for your commanding officer and if you do don't let them cloud your judgement. Basically it's 'don't have feelings that affect your work'. It's not always that simple though." She buried her head in her hands.
"And what are you feeling today?" He asked sitting up on the chair again.
"It's not that simple either, Jack."
"Everything is as simple as you make it. If you want or expect something to be difficult it will be."
She looked at him through tear blurred eyes, "It's not that simple because I don't know what I'm feeling."
"Pick a feeling and tell me why you feel it."
"I can't," she whispered as she closed her eyes.
He rolled the chair closer to her and placed a hand on her shoulder, "Why not?"
She had to search for this answer. It was a question that had often played on her mind. Why couldn't she tell him? He was her lover but she couldn't open up this part of her heart. It was a part of her that had never been revealed but had remained with her since adolescence. Revealing herself to such an extent would create a vulnerability, a vulnerability that she didn't want. Or did she? Keeping this secret was killing her.
"I've never told anyone before because I was afraid. I was afraid that I was making a mountain out of a molehill and that others wouldn't take it seriously."
"Why wouldn't I take it seriously? I love you and am here for you." He took hold of one of her hands and she squeezed it back.
"I don't take it seriously. I have a good career, a great job, a fantastic lover who is both that and my best-friend yet I have this stupid little problem." She got up and walked to the door. She grabbed the door handle and doubled over in pain.
"Sam!" Jack shouted catching her and helping her back to the bed.
"Aspirin," she gasped and pointed to a drawer. He handed her two and she swallowed them without difficulty.
He looked at the bottle and then at Sam, "How often do you take these?"
"Whenever I'm in pain."
He took that to mean frequently, "Sam, are you addicted to pain killers?"
She laughed as she sat up, "If only."
"Look," he was beginning to get frustrated, "If you don't tell me what's going on I can't help."
"No-one could help before. What makes you think you can?"
"What makes you think I can't?"
With a sigh she said, "What do you want to know?"
"Why you're ill and why you are leaving?"
"I'm leaving because I'm ill and I'm ill because I always have been and always will be."
"In what way are you ill?"
"I can't, I'm sorry."
"Why can't you?"
"You'll lose respect for me. You'll realise how stupid I am because even I know my reasons are stupid but I can't help them. I can't stop these feelings even though I know they're wrong and that I could go about defeating them in a more positive way, I can't."
"Ever tried?"
She nodded, "Sometimes it works for a while but it's a habit and they're hard to break."
"Why do you have to leave though?" He asked changing the subject slightly as he moved closer.
"I always move away from those that I care about when it hits. A fresh start enables me to cut all emotional ties and I go back to normal. The state of normality usually lasts for three years. I've been here three years and it's no different."
"Of course it isn't, you keep running away maybe if you stay and fight it normality will last longer."
"I'm not sure."
"What have you got to lose?"
Without hesitation she replied, "You."
"If you're about to walk out of this base then you've already lost me."
"I'm stuck in a viscous circle. I tell someone and lose them or I don't tell them and I still lose them."
"You'll only lose me if you leave. You don't have to tell me but you don't have to leave. You said that there is a positive way to defeat this, well let me help you stick to it."
"You won't believe me."
"Yes I will. Sam, I promise I will believe you."
She looked him in the eye and saw concern, love and faith, "Here goes nothing. Ever since I was fourteen I've had a, umm, a..."
"A what?"
"An eating disorder." she whispered.
"Why?"
"I hated myself and no-one else could see it. I was slightly chubby and the pressure of having to make others like me before I could like myself turned me to the easiest option. The non-eating option. Eating became more and more difficult and it began to make me feel physically sick so I eat less and less. I became more and more miserable and withdrawn. Then the bullying from the popular girls began. I would feel empty without the physical pain. Without that pain I could feel the emotional pain that others caused and it was too much. Not eating became an escape from real life. I don't know what happened but I began to eat again but the temptation of slipping back into that groove was sometimes too much, especially when it came to my Mother."
He looked at her questioningly.
"She would always pick up my faults and criticize me. It was always why have long hair if you do nothing with it? So I cut it off. Or it was, well you do have a bit of fat on your stomach, or try to look happier, dear, you're embarassing me. It was never why are you unhappy or how can I help or even I love you, Sam."
Sam began to cry and Jack held her close, "When was your last meal?"
She looked up at him, "That breakfast in bed you made me last weekend."
"Sam!" He chided.
"I'm hungry now, though." She smiled and after sorting herself out they walked to the canteen.
*****
I'm too far away for anyone to help,
And something's pushing me further out.
I see him down below me,
He reaches
He catches
I'm safe, he's caught me.
He begins to help me to the top,
He is at the top and helps me up.
I'm reunited with my normal life,
Laughter
Life
I'm happy in his protective arms.
The End.
Story Notes: I just spent a depressing weekend away so here is a new depressing story.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]