Dear Sara,
By the time you get this I'll be dead. I know I'm dying. What from? I can't tell you. You've guessed, it's classified. Just like huge chunks of my life always have been. Things I could never talk about even if I'd wanted to. Things I wish I'd never seen or done. But I'm wandering off the point. You'd understand if you could see me, less than lucid thought is kind of a side effect of this illness.
Anyway, the point of this letter was to tell you a few things I should have said years ago, things I know I wouldn't say out loud. You know I've never been big on talking, particularly about my feelings. That was a big part of what split us up, wasn't it? Me refusing to talk. I could never come out and say that Charlie's death was my fault. Well, it was and I'm sorry. There's not a day goes by when I don't regret having that gun where Charlie could find it, for keeping it loaded, for even owning it. I was responsible for the death of our child and it's something I've never come to terms with. I know you blame me and I don't expect forgiveness.
He was a terrific kid. We had some great times, didn't we? You and me were pretty good together too, when I wasn't being sent on a mission to some hellhole not knowing if I was coming back alive. I always hated having to leave you both. I never told you that either, did I?
I know we haven't seen each other much recently so I don't know if you've moved on, if you're dating anyone. You have no idea how weird that sounds to me, asking my wife if she's dating. I'd laugh if it didn't hurt. What I wanted to say was that you should find someone. Someone who deserves you, someone with a regular nine to five job, someone who'll be there when you need him, someone who'll talk to you. Someone who isn't a bit like me.
I wish I could tell you that I'd moved on, that I'd been lucky enough to get a second chance. I haven't. There is someone I'm attracted to but she's under my command so it's out of the question. You'd like her, she's smart, way smarter than me. Until she was assigned to my unit she was a science type at the Pentagon. I know, I know, I hate scientists. But not this one. She stands up to me, challenges me, tells me if I'm being an ass hole. And whenever we have a problem, she can always solve it. Did I mention that she's beautiful? Probably not. I guess it's not the kind of thing I should be saying to you, is it? But even if it wasn't against regs I doubt if she'd look at an old soldier like me. Though a couple of months ago I remember her saying that she went for the "lunatic fringe". I guess I'd qualify under that category. It's all too late now anyway. She'll never know how I feel. Soon I'll be gone, they'll have a new commanding officer and life will go on without me.
I'm sorry, Sara, my mind is beginning to wander again. It's this damn illness, it makes it hard for me to concentrate. I just want to say one last thing. Thank you for what we had, our marriage, our life together and especially for Charlie. Try to remember the good times.
Take care of yourself.
Jack
xxxxx
The End
Story Notes: Spoilers: Brief Candle, First Commandment
Season/Sequel info: Set during Brief Candle, first season
Thanks go to Lola and Caroline for their advice and suggestions.
Season/Sequel info: Set during Brief Candle, first season
Thanks go to Lola and Caroline for their advice and suggestions.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]