samandjack.net

Story Notes: It just popped into my head after watching Seth, the look on Sam's face when Jack said 'Hail, Dorothy' just jgot my wheels spinning.
SPOILERS: Within the Serpent's Lair, In the Line of Duty, Tok'ra, Into the Fire and Seth.


'Hail, Dorothy!'

'Hail, Dorothy!'

'Hail, ...'

"NO!" Sam woke screaming. She was sweating and tangled in her sheets.

Her breathing was rapid as she tried to slow her heart rate from the nightmare. This was the fourth night in a row she'd woken like this. She couldn't get the image of Seth's dead body out of her mind. She could still hear Selmak saying 'You have the will within you. You must summon it.' It ran like a litany through her head, over and over again.

She got up and walked shakily to her bathroom. Turned on the light and looked at herself in the mirror. She looked haggard; the lack of sleep was definitely beginning to take its toll. She turned on the faucet and splashed warm water on her face. She looked at the clock - 10:30. The nightmare was starting earlier each successive night. She decided to go make some hot chocolate, maybe that would help her sleep.

She'd just sat down in her living room when she heard a knock on the door. Who would be showing up at her place at this time of night? She looked out the peephole and saw Colonel O'Neill. She took a deep breath, hoping she didn't look quite as bad as she felt, then opened the door.

"Colonel, is there anything wrong?"

He took in her disheveled appearance and the haunted look in her eyes in a single glance. "No, nothing's wrong. I saw your light was on, so I figured you were still up. Is this a bad time, I could come back later. I should have called first."

"No, it's okay, couldn't really sleep." She smiled wanly up at him. "Come on in, would you like something to drink?"

"Whatever you're having will be fine."

He saw her smile for the first time in days. "Hot chocolate?"

"Sure why not?" Grinning back at her.

After she'd gotten him the hot chocolate and they were seated in her living she asked, "So what brings you to this neck of the woods?"

"Well," Jack drew the word out. "You've been awfully quite since the Seth thing, so I was concerned."

"Sir, I'm fine." Well, maybe she wasn't but she didn't think telling him about her dream would help matters.

His hand went to her chin, forcing her to look him in the eye. "That's why you look as if you haven't been sleeping?"

"Has my work suffered? Am I not doing my job?" She asked defensively.

"Sam," he sighed. "Your work is fine. I'm not here as your CO; I'm here as your friend. One whose worried about you."

"Well, what about you?"

"What about me?"

"Jack," she said his name as if testing him, when he didn't object she continued. "You haven't been sleeping all that well either, now have you? Not since we got back from Hathor's planet."

He flinched at the sound of Hathor's name.

"Sam, I'm not here to talk about me."

"Why not? Friendship goes both ways. It's not like I wouldn't understand the situation. After all I'm the only other person you know who was a host." She noticed the stubborn look on his face. Leave it to Jack O'Neill to believe that he could take on the world single handedly, that he had to shoulder his problems alone. "Tell you what, Jack, you tell me what's bothering you and I'll tell you what's bothering me. Deal?"

He looked her in the eye, seeing stubbornness to match his own, determination and concern. "All right."

"You first, sir."

"I always thought it was ladies first."

"Not this time."

"Don't you trust me?"

"Only about as far as I can throw you, sir." She stated with a smile and a twinkle in her eyes.

Jack took a deep breath, gathering his thoughts, wondering where to start. "I keep reliving the scene in the fake Gate room, where Hathor asks us who would be the host. The look of glee in her eyes as she torments you and Daniel. The revulsion I feel at possibly being host to that parasite, but knowing it has to be me. I couldn't let her do that to you or Daniel. Knowing I couldn't live with myself if I let her do that to either of you. I remember how you looked at the prospect of being joined with another Tok'ra when they were looking for a host for Selmak." He paused taking a deep breath before continuing, "I was almost relieved when it chose me."

"Jack, I..." she didn't know what to say. She knew how much that admission must have cost him.

"I kept remembering when you were possessed by Jolinar. I felt so helpless, so out of control, lost. There wasn't a damn thing I could do. It was like I failed you."

"Sir, it wasn't your fault!" Their eyes locked for a moment. Each was trying to convey their feelings.

"Then when Hathor told me that I would kill you and Daniel. It was like she plunged a knife into me. I'd seen Skaa'ra do things when possessed by Korel, so I knew it was possible."

"It wouldn't have been you, Jack."

"That doesn't matter," he said harshly.

"No? You don't blame Skaa'ra for the things Korel did, do you?"

"No."

"Then it's the same. Believe me I know. Hell, Jolinar almost blew everyone up with a grenade and there was nothing I could do. I watched horrified that she'd hurt you guys. Helpless to stop her, to warn you, anything. I understand Jack. Believe me I understand."

"I know. Then there was the Tok'ra offering me hope, struggling with the Goa'uld. Fighting while I was being frozen, feeling it died. It's hatred, it's anger, its terror whirling through my mind. Knowing that it wanted me to die with it, it's fury at not being able to take me with it. Waking up to your voice. Being just me. The feelings of joy, triumph, relief. Then hearing her voice and knowing that she was killing you. God, Sam." He pulled her close, like he had when he was checking to see that Hathor hadn't killed her. "You came back for me." He repeated it over and over again. After a while he grew silent.

"I couldn't leave you there, sir. Not knowing if you were host or not. I couldn't just leave you behind. I knew what it was like being a host and I couldn't let you go through that if I could help it."

He pulled back. "Thanks." He said smiling.

"Welcome." Smiling back at him.

"You never did tell me how you convinced Makepeace to let you go back."

"That actually wasn't too hard. Hathor's guards were at the Gate and there was the energy barrier, so we where forced to retreat. Colonel Makepeace found the Tok'ra tunnels, but the energy barrier extended down into them. So we couldn't get through by going under. We knew Hathor's guards would be coming down after us. I knew to have an energy barrier that extended as far as it did it must be powered by something big. I just convinced him to let me go blow it up."

"And he just let you go?"

"Not exactly. Daniel wanted to come, but he was injured. Colonel Makepeace offered to send a team with me, but I figured he'd need them to take on the guards, besides I didn't want anyone tagging along."

"Oh?"

"Well, by that time I knew there was a Tok'ra in Hathor's lair. So it followed that who ever the Tok'ra was that it wasn't in the Tok'ra's best interest to have you become a host, so I was hoping that you weren't possessed yet. I didn't want anyone along that would be asking questions or reporting back." Jack shot her a look that spoke volumes.

"Well, he didn't tell me I couldn't search for you or rescue you if the opportunity presented itself, so it's not like I was disobeying orders."

"Which you knew he give if he knew what you were up to."

"Well, you know the old saying sir, it's easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission."

"I'll have to remember that." He said dryly.

"You know I couldn't leave you behind. What happened to you in Iraq would have been a walk in the park compared to an eternity spent as a host to a Goa'uld. You and I both know that. I wouldn't leave my worst enemy in that position, so there was no way I was leaving you behind. I figured you'd prefer a bullet to life as a host. Of course, I'd only have done that as a last resort." She paused looking at him.

"Nice to know it was a last resort, but you were right." He paused for a moment, "So, why aren't you sleeping?"

"I," she started only to stop. She rubbed her hands over her face and then looked at him. He looked steadily back at her, letting her know that she could take all the time she needed, without ever saying a word. "Well, I'm having bad dreams, nightmares actually." She looked at him to see if he thought she was losing it.

"We've been through enough lately to give anyone nightmare, Sam. Want to tell me about them?"

"It always starts out the same way. I'm me, but different. I know I'm not possessed by a Goa'uld, but I have all the trappings of a System Lord. The hand device, like the one I killed Seth with, the personal shield and hell I even have Jaffa." She paused taking a deep breath. "Everyone I know is there, you, Daniel, Teal'c, everyone from SGC, my dad, people I haven't seen in years, people who I know are dead. I'm hated and feared by everyone. Apophis and Ra were Saints compared to me. I'm a cruel, vindictive and petty. I kill people on a whim. Mercy and compassion are completely foreign concepts. I take pleasure in others misery and suffering."

"Sam, that's not you. You're nothing like the Goa'uld."

"No? Ever since I was possessed by Jolinar, I can sense them. I can use their technology. It took Kendra years to master their tools after she was possessed. She was even had the benefit of her Goa'uld using them and she out smarted her Goa'uld. Hell, I pick up that weapon for the second time and kill a Goa'uld who is thousands of years old. One who has been using it longer than I can even conceive of. Selmak told me "You have the will within you. You must summon it." What does that mean?"

"Did you ask him about it?"

"No. I really didn't have the opportunity. Dad and I went to visit Mark. I couldn't very well ask him on the way there or back were anyone could over hear. Mark doesn't know about any of this. Thinks dad is in remission. Has no clue that there is another being in him, that he lives on a different planet. I couldn't risk his finding any of this out. He and dad are just on speaking terms again. How do you tell someone this without sounding as if you're an escapee from an insane asylum? Then when we got back here dad had to leave."

"I don't think their will has anything to do with their being evil. The Tok'ra use the technology too."

"I realized that, really I do. I guess it's just that ever since I was possessed by Jolinar, I'm different."

"That's understandable."

"I'm not talking about the emotional turmoil it caused. But it's like I'm not only human anymore. I'm different. Hell, my body chemistry has changed. I have naquada in my bloodstream. What does it do besides allowing me to since Goa'uld and use their technology? I killed someone by just willing it. That terrifies me."

"Sam, is it really any different than pointing a gun at someone and pulling the trigger?"

"Yes!" Her voice was ragged with emotion. "I put my hand out and embedded someone in the ground. Snuffed them out like you would snuff a candle. Sure Seth was evil and needed to be stopped, by what about the host? I know what it's like to be a host. He, whoever he was, didn't do any of it. He just had the misfortune to be possessed by a Goa'uld. We'll probably never know who he was."

"Sam, he was going to kill you. You were only defending yourself."

"That's as maybe. Anyway Seth incapacitated Selmak, I was the only one left to stop him. The oldest and wisest of the Tok'ra couldn't defeat him, and I wave my hand and presto no more problem. A Tok'ra that had been around for thousands years didn't kill him, I did. Both of them have way more experience at this than I do. It was so easy, Jack. I just raised my hand and pushed with my mind. Summon my will and poof."

He looked her deep in the eyes, making sure he had her attention. "Sam, you did what you had to do. You couldn't let him get away. He was responsible for thousands of people's deaths. Hell, I thought he was going to kill you. You went after him with no regard for your own safety. I'd just seen Hathor almost kill you with one of those hand devices; I didn't need a repeat performance. You took a hell of a chance. You were more interested in stopping that monster and saving innocent people than with your own welfare. How can you possible think that you could remotely be like them? I've seen you, more times than I can count, put yourself at risk to help someone. You care about people, and not just people you know, everyone."

"I," she started, "the dream always ends the same way."

"How?" he could tell that it bothered her, more than she wanted to admit.

"I'm back in the tunnel where I killed Seth, I raise my hand and I kill him, only it's not him. It's you." She swallows hard. "Daniel starts chanting 'Hail, Dorothy', everyone else picks up the chant. The walls reverberate with the sound. I cover my ears trying to block the sound. It's like killing you triggers my return, not the evil person I was but me, just me. And I killed you." Her voice broke on the last word.

He pulled her into her his arms. "Sam, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have made that stupid crack about Dorothy."

"It's not your fault." She protested. "I'm okay."

"Yeah, that's why you're not sleeping."

"Right now, I feel like I could sleep a week." She pulled back a little and smiled at him, it was a little ragged around the edges, but it was a smile. He smiled back at her before pulling her close again.

He held her close until they both slipped into a deep slumber. Both of them slept soundly and neither was disturbed by nightmares.



The End




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