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SPOILERS: Nemesis

REFS: Song 'If I loved you' - copyright Rodgers and Hammerstein, used without permission.


I don't have any feelings for her, and I never did.

She was my friend and as such I loved her, and that's all it ever was, friendship. Sure I've known her for years and sure we spent a lot of time together and we went through a lot, and yes, I care for her very deeply. But no...I don't love her, and I never did. But...if I did love you Sam, if I loved you.

~If I loved you~

If I loved you and we ever got together. I imagine we'd have spent our days in the park, laughing, joking, loving, and our nights gazing at the stars and tangling happy and sated in the sheets. I can see her smiling face as she holds my hand and pulls me to her, and feel happiness and contentment such as I have never felt. I would see my smiling reflection in those sea blue eyes, and seek refuge from the world in her safe, warm arms.

But of course none of the above is true, because that's never the way things were because I don't love her, and I never have. But if I had...

~Somehow I can see, Just exactly how I'd be~

I'd take every chance to watch you, to look at you when you wouldn't notice, and to savour those smiles, those wide eyed bright smiles. I'd take every opportunity to make you notice me, to try and endear myself to you. I'm make the stupidest jokes just to hear your indulgent laughter, or see your reproachful looks at my inappropriateness. I'd pretend I was dumb as a post just to get your undivided attention, to see your delighted amused smiles at my ignorance, and my seeming inability to grasp even the simplest of your theories. And sometimes when the opportunity presented itself I'd see more than you intended, I'd catch a glimpse of long legs, or a tantalising cleavage, or a long stretch of naked back, and I'd savour those moments, burn them in my memory for all time. And if you were hurt, or in danger, or afraid, I'd be there. I'd fight for you and protect you and hold you, and I' d die for you if it ever came to that.

~If I loved you~

If I loved you, which I don't, and never did. But my sad fantasies of us being together would never have come about even if I did love you and want you Sam. Because first I'd have to tell you...

~Time and again I would try to say, All I'd want you to know~

And I couldn't do it. I'd spend the years following in your wake, loving you from afar, watching you when your attention was elsewhere, protecting you where I could, being jealous as hell when another man sought your attention.. That's what I would have been like Sam, trying to show you in my own small way how much you meant to me, how much I needed you, wanted you. From time to time I'd see you out of fatigues, in some jeans, or some summer dress, and I'd commit your every movement and smile and shy look to memory to play over and over again in my mind, when I was alone.

~If I loved you~

Which I don't.

~Words wouldn't come in any easy way, Round in circles I'd go~

But to talk to you, to tell you how I felt? To let you know how you lightened my life and brightened my day just by being there, by my side, within reach?

~Longing to tell you but afraid and shy, I'd let my golden chances pass me by~

Sometimes the moment would come, present itself, and I imagine we'd find ourselves there, together, alone. Things would happen, certain information would be revealed to us, and for a brief moment I imagine we'd find ourselves laid bare, the truth on our lips, waiting to free us. There would be a tense silence that waited to be filled with words, and I'd find myself with none. So we'd laugh, and joke, and shrug it off, and the moment would be gone. That's how it would be if I loved you Sam, if I ever did.

~Soon you'd leave me, Off you would go in the mist of days~

And one day, one day it'd be too late. All those golden chances, all those lost years and eventually another man would catch your eye, and your heart, and I'd lose you, not that I ever had you. I'd see you walk away on his arm, dragging and crushing my heart under your feet.

~Never, never to know How I loved you~

And no you'd never know. You'd walk away, happy with your new life, leaving me behind, without a glance, or thought. Because I wouldn't have told you, I 'll never tell you Sam, never. Never tell you how much I've loved you, how much I wish I could be allowed by some miracle, to love you more.

~If I loved you~

But I don't, and never have.

I...I never have...

But if I did...

~If I loved you~




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