samandjack.net

Story Notes: Jez- jez80@ozemail.com.au

SPOILERS: Beneath the Surface, Divide and Conquer

ARCHIVE: Sam and Jack and Heliopolis please.

AUTHORS NOTES: I haven’t seen ‘Beneath the Surface’ yet, but I was obsessing over the asf’s that Saint Lola made and this just came to me. I apologise for any inaccuracies. A HUGE thanks to Kes, who beta'ed this so quickly and thought of the title.

DEDICATION: To Saint Lola, Patron Saint of the Deprived Shipper. Thanks for keeping us sane!

FEEDBACK: Yes Please! I love to know what you think.


She called me by my name. I know, technically it wasn’t *my* name, but at the time it was. And, yes, I know that she didn’t know who I was, who either of us were, at the time. I didn’t know either, but looking back, there’s still something remarkably intimate about her calling me by my name. So, of course, her use of ‘Sir’ was the proverbial kick in the gut. It was her way of saying "let’s leave it in the room again". I don’t think I want to leave it in the room. I don’t think I can, not this time. This time wasn’t just an admission of feelings that we both knew were lurking beneath the surface. This time we expressed our love for each other... in the most intimate way possible.

It was hard to sit in that briefing room and not touch her. On that planet, she’d touch me, she’d let me touch her. It wasn’t like we couldn’t keep our hands off each other... well mostly it wasn’t, but we gave each other security. I don’t know whether to be happy or upset that we made love. I’m happy because, realistically, it may have been our only chance to do so without those feelings of guilt, but it’s made things more awkward between us and I never wanted that. Sam’s always been able to look me in the eye, so seeing her eyes wander everywhere but to mine... it hurts. If we’re ever going to get back to SG-1, to CO and 2IC, to best friends, we’re going to have to talk about it... about all of it.

The problem is, I don’t know how to talk to her. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve talked about things before, but it’s never really involved *my* feelings and it’s definitely never involved *us*. Maybe I should take some lessons from ol’ Jonah, he seemed to be able to say what was on his mind. Least he admitted there *was* feelings without a forced confession.

I guess I’m just scared, and that’s a hard thing to admit to myself. I’m scared of screwing it all up more than it is. I know she has feelings for me, she admitted as much when we were being re-tested by Anise, but could she feel it as deeply as I do? Is it possible that she actually loves me as wholly as I’ve come to love her? And if she doesn’t, where does that leave me?

I get up from my bed and walk to the door, I’ve got to talk to her. I’ve got to make her realise that it can’t stay in the room, not any more. Not now we’ve had a real taste of what it’s like to be with each other. We have to talk, to deal with it. Whether or not we actually end up together isn’t really the issue. We just have to talk everything out and decide *together* what we want to do, what we *have* to do to keep it all going.

I knock tentatively on the door of her quarters, questioning my sanity at doing this on base when I get a strange look from a female SF. Sam, finally opens the door and she looks surprised at seeing me. "Sir? Is there a problem?" I try not to wince at the ‘Sir’, I have a feeling it’s just her way of keeping it all straight in her head. It’s the same reason that she’s ‘Carter’ or ‘Major’. I very rarely let myself call her ‘Sam’ because Sam is the person I’m not supposed to be close to.

I try a smile and hope it doesn’t look like a grimace. "Can I come in for a minute?" She looks unsure, but allows me to enter, closing the door behind me. I see the novel sitting on her bed and I realise that she’s been trying to escape reality for a while. The only time Sam Carter reads anything but scientific books is when she doesn’t want to think.

I turn and see her staring at the floor near my feet. I sigh and take a step towards her. "I think we need to talk," I quietly say. She shakes her head and she looks for all the world like a lost little girl.

"You shouldn’t be in here," she quietly tells me.

"Well, lets go somewhere else then. Somewhere that you’d feel more comfortable. We could go to my place, or yours..."

"Yeah, just imagine what everyone would be saying then," she replies sarcastically. She’s getting angry and I can’t help but do the same.

"Who cares what anyone says? Anyway, who’s going to know?"

She snorts. "You’re kidding right? God! Have you seen the way Daniel’s been looking at us?!"

"Right now, I don’t give a damn about Daniel! Or Teal’c! Or the fucking SF down the hall!" I take a breath and calm myself slightly. "What I do care about right now is you... and us. I need to know that we’re going to be okay and I *know* that we won’t be unless we talk about everything."

"And what are we supposed to say? It was fun, but it can’t happen again? Why can’t we just leave it?"

"Sam," I say softly, and I know that saying her first name has affected her. "We have to do this. Why won’t you just talk to me?"

I see the fire in her eyes and I know she’s about to explode. I’m not disappointed. "Because I can’t! Why don’t you understand?! How am I supposed to talk about this rationally, when every time I look at you I remember what it was like? I can feel what it was like to be with you, to be loved by you," she finishes in a whisper.

It’s hard not to reach forward and wrap my arms around her, but I refrain. That would be the last thing she needs right now. I just have to tread carefully or I know I’ll lose her forever, and that’s one loss I couldn’t recover from. "I know," I tell her emphatically. "Believe me I know, but how are we ever going to work together if we can’t talk to each other?"

"I don’t think we can." The tears started falling from her beautiful eyes. "God, I don’t think I can do it anymore," she sobs and I can’t stop myself from reaching for her. She stiffens in my arms for a moment but at my soft words of comfort she relaxes into my embrace and just cries.

"Sam," I begin, when she’s calmed down. "If we can’t go on just being friends, then there’s only one thing to do." Her eyes hold fear as she looks up at me. I smile softly and lower my lips to hers. She doesn’t react for a second but then I know that she’s come to the same conclusion as me. If we can’t keep working together as friends then we’re just going to have be more. There isn’t any other option.




~~o0o~~ THE END.




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