"I said a lot of things to you / But I never said goodbye"
~Amanda Marshall, "We Never Said Goodbye"
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"Stop hesitating Sam! Just shoot already! Please..."
His words still echoed in my ears, his pleading expression, something I'd never seen on him, fresh in my mind's eye. He had basically asked me to kill him, and I had done it, despite my initial reluctance. And now I was paying the emotional consequences.
Thinking back to how it all had happened, I can't say that I'm entirely surprised things ended up like they did.
Hathor had just held up the mature Goa'uld, asking which of us would become its host. I almost laughed that she actually was going to let us choose, but I choked it back as the colonel stepped forward, steely determination keeping his face relatively neutral.
"I'll do it." Hathor smiled like the proverbial Chesire cat. I almost could have sworn she would have purred contentedly if I hadn't jumped in.
"No!" The colonel turned to face me, confusion evident. "You can't, take me," I said, directing the last part at Hathor.
She smiled evilly at me, and I knew then that she had made her decision already. The colonel brought my attention back to him as he touched my shoulder. His expression was tender and I felt my heart ache. I knew that he had made his decision too and I wasn't going to sway him. He glanced at Daniel, unspoken words passing between the two friends. I felt tears swell, but I held back. It would be no good if I were to ball my eyes out like some cliched 'chick'. One of the last things he would see would be the same strong, capable woman he had come to know.
The colonel returned his gaze to me, a sad smile now curving his lips slightly.
"I have one demand," he said, speaking to Hathor but continuing to keep his eyes on me.
"*You* have a demand?" Her voice was incredulous and she seemed on the verge of laughter. He turned to face her.
"Yes. I'm assuming you'd rather I come willingly."
"It would be... preferable," she replied, cautious.
"Alright then. I'll willingly become a host to that... *thing* if you let them go, unharmed." Hathor was mildly surprised by his demand, as were Daniel and I.
"Do you truly believe that we would allow our beloved to go?" Out of the corner of my eye I could see Daniel shudder.
"Take it or leave it." Hathor stood there momentarily considering his words.
"Alright." The three of us registered amazement at her acceptance. With a few quick words, Hathor commanded a few of her guards to take Daniel and I to her Stargate. We never even got to say goodbye.
Daniel and I were sent through to the planet Hathor had taken us from and the two of us were happily surprised to meet up with Teal'c and several other Jaffa. He had returned to Chulak and had, with the help of Bra'tac, convinced his fellow Jaffa to help search us out.
We cut short any further explanations, simply telling Teal'c that we needed to get armed and figure out where Hathor had taken us. To our great relief, Teal'c produced some zat guns and told us that he had observed the symbols as the 'gate had dialed in.
As we prepped for combat, Daniel and I were astonished at the sight of General Hammond walking beside Teal'c toward us. Teal'c had managed to contact him to let him know we were alive and well. The general had insisted on joining in on the fight.
Ready, or as ready as we were going to be, we 'gated to Hathor's complex, prepared to face off with her guards. We were not disappointed. We briefly had the element of surprise, but they quickly marshaled their forces. The battle was bloody, many lives on both sides were lost, but in the end we prevailed. At least for a bit.
Once we had the guards under control, we began our search for Col. O'Neill. I hoped we weren't too late, and I could see by the looks on Daniel and Teal'c's faces they felt the same.
We split up, deciding we could cover more ground that way. It didn't take me long to find him, which, even to this day, amuses me. The colonel and I always seemed to be able to find each other easily, like we had homing beacons linked up.
I called out to him and he turned, a smile on his lips. My relief at finding him was short-lived as his eyes glowed, shocking me into silence. I raised the zat gun Teal'c had given me, holding it as steadily as I could as the colonel slowly advanced toward me.
"Nice to see you, Sam," he said, his voice now that of the Goa'uld inhabiting him. I felt sick to my stomach. I knew I had to do something, to stop this Goa'uld from doing any damage, but I was having an internal war with myself. I wanted to do something, but at the same time I couldn't bring myself to hurt him. He's my CO, my friend... and at times my confidant. But those eyes that normally show such zest for life were nothing but a horrible, glowing reminder of what he had become.
"So, what are you going to do now, Sam?" he asked, standing directly in front of the gun, staring me down confidently. "Will she or won't sh... AAAHH!"
I wondered what happened as the Goa'uld screamed in agony, making the colonel clutch his head. As he looked up at me again, I was greeted with an anguished-looking man, and I realized this was the colonel fighting back. I lowered the gun, feeling real hope for the first time since we had been taken.
"Colonel..." I began, but he cut me off.
"No time," he blurted out. "You've got to kill it." I guess my trepidation showed because he reemphasized it. "You *must* kill it."
"But that'll..."
"I'll take the damn risk, Carter! Just kill this thing! I can't hold... AAAHHH!"
"Do you really think you're capable of doing it? You couldn't take out Hanson." The Goa'uld was back and playing dirty.
"You're not Hanson," I retorted, leveling the gun at him once again.
"No, I'm not. I'm your colonel, and that makes it that much more difficult to do what he wants you to do."
"You are NOT my colonel!" I spat out, anger and a touch of desperation taking me over. I had to do it, I had to try and kill that thing, but god knows I didn't want to hurt Jack... the colonel... Jack. My thoughts suddenly turning to using his first name caught me slightly off guard.
"Oh, but I am. And so much more. I can see you fighting this. Which to choose, your friend or your world? Such a dilemma," he taunted. Seconds later he cried out again, Jack regaining control.
"For crying out loud, just do it Carter!"
"I..."
"Stop hesitating, Sam! Just shoot already! Please..." The last of his statement trailed off as the Goa'uld went to take control again. His plea got to me. I knew then that I had to do what he asked, no matter what the consequences.
In the seconds between the changeover from Jack to the Goa'uld, I pointed the zat gun at his head, firing off a shot. I watched him as he convulsed, tears that I had held back from earlier beginning to trail down my face. He was screaming in pain as he fell to the ground clutching his head.
After a few seconds he stopped twitching. I wasn't sure if I could do what I knew had to come next. I knew I had only injured it, but I knew if I shot him again, I would kill Jack as well as the Goa'uld. I guess I hesitated still in some vain hope that the Goa'uld would leave him and I'd be able to kill it that way, but no such luck.
"Sam, again," Jack rasped out, barely still in control. He glanced up at me, his expression pleading. I bit my lower lips a I leveled the gun once again to his head.
"I'm sorry, Jack," I whispered as my finger pushed on the trigger.
It all seemed to happen in slow motion then, like I was having some sort of weird action movie moment. The Goa'uld regained control as the energy beam approached, but he couldn't move fast enough. He screamed as the beam reached him, tearing through his body ad convulsing it again, but this time in death throws. I heard Daniel yelling and turned to see my teammates standing in the doorway, stunned at what they had just witnessed. They ran to Jack's side as the Goa'uld left him, dead, but Jack didn't make any movement. I simply stood there, frozen to my spot, unable to believe that I had really done it. Daniel looked up at me from his spot beside Jack, confusion, hurt, and disbelief crossing his features. I didn't know what to say. What do you say when you've just killed one of your best friends?
Soon the others arrived and a flurry of activity happened around me, but I took no notice. Someone must have taken the zat gun off of me, but I do know that someone's gentle hands guided me out. I didn't find out until later that it had been the general. He had made sure I was properly taken care of by the medics he had brought through.
A few days later, when I had made it through most of the stages of grief, I was lying in the infirmary and overheard some medics discussing what had happened. One of them mentioned a cryo-tube, which I knew of from having been put in one myself. The other said that they had put Jack in one again. I didn't hear anything more as they walked away from me, but their conversation peaked my interest. Could there be hope yet? I wondered. But maybe I was just hearing what I wanted. I wouldn't know until I talked to Janet.
The next day she appeared, tired but trying valiantly to hide it. I couldn't hold back on my questions and fired away. She wasn't happy with those medics, but I knew she'd get to them later. I was her current concern. She explained to me that they had figured that the cryo-tubes were also healing devices, possibly similar to the sarcophagus, so they figured they had nothing to lose by putting Jack in one. I asked her where it was and she informed me that it was still in Hathor's complex, under constant guard and checked daily by her. I insisted on going to it, but I could see that Janet wasn't certain that was such a good idea. I changed tactics and pleaded with her. She relented slightly, but told me she had to check with the general first.
A couple of hours later I was geared up, to be on the safe side, and waiting for the wormhole to engage. Daniel and Teal'c, both whom had had the whole situation explained to them, stood beside me, wanting to go, but knowing this was something I needed to do on my own. They had had their chance for goodbyes, but I hadn't.
I went through and was greeted by an airman on the other side who led me to one of the medical bays. I was left alone with only the cryo-tube for company. I stared at it, a horrible feeling of doubt growing inside me. Was he really in there? Was there any chance he would live? The questions buzzed around my brain until I couldn't take it any more, I had to see for myself.
I walked over to the control board, taking a few minutes to familiarize myself with it. I figured out which control opened the tube and pressed it.
As the cover pulled back I approached the tube again. He was in there, but he lay so still. I watched him closely, hoping to see some sign of life, but there was nothing.
I felt my heart break knowing that it was me who had done this to him. Left him lifeless when he had so much life left to live. Took him away from those who cared about him. Away from me.
Damn it, stop being so selfish, Sam, I chastised myself. And I was right, I had hurt others, and I very rightly should be hurting as well. I just wished to hell that I could take it all back to make the pain go away, to bring him back.
I found myself reaching toward him, hoping that if I touched him he'd magically be alive, be himself again. I touched the skin on his exposed chest. It was cool to the touch, but that meant nothing since he was in cryo.
I stood there for a few more minutes, my hand still lying on his chest as I watched him. I remembered all the good times we had had together and how we had made it through the bad.
I didn't realize I had been crying until Janet, whom I hadn't heard enter, asked me if I was alright. I wiped at the tears and glanced at her, attempting a smile.
I'm trying, I thought, and echoed that thought aloud. She smiled sadly at me, then told me that she had to perform some tests with Jack. She walked away, giving me a final moment alone with him.
I looked at him, knowing I should say goodbye, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Not while that little glimmer of hope still rested inside me.
THE END
Story Notes: Spoilers: "Out of Mind", "First Commandment", speculation on "Into the Fire"
I came up with the idea for this when I saw one of the pictures on the Showtime site for "Into the Fire", so I decided to make it my response to the Killing challenge put out on the SAMANDJACK list where either Sam or Jack, or both, kill the other. Bonus points given if either begs to be killed. This can also be considered a response to the Jack whumping challenge put out on the SAMANDJACK list where Jack gets whumped and Sam has to go through the emotional wringer.
I came up with the idea for this when I saw one of the pictures on the Showtime site for "Into the Fire", so I decided to make it my response to the Killing challenge put out on the SAMANDJACK list where either Sam or Jack, or both, kill the other. Bonus points given if either begs to be killed. This can also be considered a response to the Jack whumping challenge put out on the SAMANDJACK list where Jack gets whumped and Sam has to go through the emotional wringer.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]