I roll my weary shoulders as I exit the lift, and take the corridor that leads to the bunk rooms. I find one that's empty, let an SF know where I am and settle my large pile of books on the small table before fetching myself a strong coffee.
Damn, whatever you do you just can't get the coffee sweet enough.
I smile as I remember Dr. Jackson complaining about this just the other day, and he said that nothing ever changes around this place. Maybe he's right, maybe nothing ever does. Me, I'm only on my second tour in the USAF, and was lucky enough to get posted to the SGC, and since I've only been here for about five months, I don't really know. Everyone nods and agrees with him though, and I like to think the base and the SGC look just as they did twenty odd years ago when we first started our ventures into the stars.
We go to other planets.
God that still sounds weird to my ears. I haven't as yet, but next month the General says I may get a temporary rota team placement, which may eventually lead to me getting on a team permanently. I can't wait, that would be my dream come true. At the moment I'm assigned here as a engineer technician, and I'm pretty good at figuring out some of the new tech they've been showing me, so I might have a good chance of seeing some action. Not that I want to see action or anything, not particularly, but just being a tech guy never was enough for me. Even Dr. Jackson said that after a while he actually began to look forward to that adrenaline rush, though he swore me to secrecy and said he'd never told anyone that before. I like Dr. Jackson, I like him a lot, and he always takes the time to speak to me. He's still in charge of the archaeology department here, but he doesn't get to go off-world much, and he misses it. I often catch him whining at the General, but he never gets his way. If there's something really important that he just can't miss and the General thinks it's safe, he'll get to go, but those times are few and far apart. I think the General just likes to keep old friends close, protect them, and I think Jackson understands.
Well. Here goes.
I ease the rubber band from the fat pile of reports in front of me, placing the large leather bound book on top to one side, and let my fingers trail carefully across its worn surface before sliding the first folder out and open, leafing through the papers inside. Reports, mostly reports. A pile of official ones, some personal ones, and even a few letters and hand-written notes scribbled on little bits of paper that they saw fit to keep. I flick aimlessly for a minute before opening he official report of one Colonel Jack O'Neill, marked 'Abydos' and angle the lamp towards me for better light. I pause before starting to read and place the leather bound book at the bottom of the pile, for last.
In a lot of ways, this feels like a day I've been waiting for all my life.
****************************************
Several weary and eye-opening hours and I'm finally finished, and I've just put the small diary back on the top of the pile when the door clangs open, and an SF strides in and look down at me with a small smile.
"The General just sent for you Lieutenant" I nod up at him and gather my things together, and I heft them after one arm and follow him out into the corridor. He nods at me as I go past, and I send him a quick smile before making my way to the lift and level 28. Finally I reach the last floor and step out into the corridors I now know very well, corridors I have dreamed about since I was a small boy. I take the left corridor, follow it as it winds, nodding at SF's and scientists as I go. I know a lot of people here now, and I find being military and a scientist of sorts helps me fit in and make friends on both sides, not to mention a few of the other contacts I have. I pause as I go to leave my collection of papers and folders on my desk in my lab, and quickly move on.
Walking absently as my mind wanders, I soon find myself in the control room, and I nod and smile at the people on this shift, pausing to snatch a look at the gate out of the window. That thing always amazes me. I've seen it countless time over the last few months, worked on it even, watched amazed as it starts up and people come and go, travelling across the galaxy to other worlds. One day, one day I will go through the gate, you just watch me.
Gathering myself together I trot up the stairs to the briefing room, and taking a deep breath and straightening my back I walk slowly across the room, seeing the General hunched over some papers on the large wooden desk through the window. I pause briefly outside the door, my hand raised to knock, and quickly flick my eyes over my uniform and shoes, making sure I look tidy. The General is often known for being a stickler on such things, and I've found since my stay here that it doesn't matter who you are and what you do, there is a set of expectations for everyone. Even Doctor Jackson said that the old General wasn't as bad about that sort of thing. Of course, he said this with a fond smile, as always when talking about the General and the old days. Steeling myself I knock, and at a cry of 'enter' I push open the heavy wooden door and walk inside, snapping to attention. I'm about to call my name and rank as I stand there, but the General looks up at me with a sneer and a roll of eyes and waves lazily at me.
"Oh for crying out loud, at ease Lieutenant"
I relax, trying to keep the grin off my face as the General leans back, and scrutinises me. This goes on for a while, eyes raking over my uniform and hair and boots, and I find myself cursing for not checking myself in a mirror first. Eventually the Generals eyes fall to the desk, at a large pile of papers sitting there. What do I do now? The General seems to have forgotten I'm there, so I shift uncomfortably for a moment as papers are shuffled.
"Uh, Excuse me General O'Neill, but you called me down here?"
The General's head snaps up, and nods slowly as though considering my presence. I shift to a half attention pose once more, as the General gets up and tosses a pen and some loose sheets down on the paper before coming over to my side, face breaking into a broad grin. I feel myself smiling, and the General's arms come around me, hugging me tight, and I reciprocate eagerly, as we pat each other gently on the back. The General steps back, holding my shoulders, and I can feel myself begin to blush a little at the frank appraisal. The General lets go of me and slides behind the desk once more, face still locked in a grin.
"So Lieutenant O'Neill, how are you enjoying working at the SGC? I'm sorry I haven't had much time to see you, but you know how things are"
"I know, things have been a bit...mad"
We grin at the same time, and I find myself completely relaxed. It is rather easier to relax in front of your commanding officer when they happen to be your parent! And yes, things have been mad around here. I remember stories from when I was growing up, stories that I thought were fanciful tales spun by my mother, but I was wrong, they were barely disguised truths about her and my father's uh...'adventures' here at the SGC and on other worlds. Imagine my surprise when I was posted here and was finally allowed to hear about all the things that people I'd known all my life had been getting up to! Needless to say I was a little...surprised, and taken aback. Since then though I've certainly begun to appreciate what working here means, and soon I may even begin to make a difference myself. It would be my dream come true to follow in the footsteps of my parents Samantha Carter and Jack O'Neill.
"So, did you read the reports and journals?" Asks the General, twirling a pen, eyes scanning the room, and I gulp a little in my throat. The private journals of one Colonel Jack O'Neill from the years before I were born were not always easy reading, but he wanted me to read them, and I am so glad I did.
"Yes, I...I learned a lot"
The General nods, and smiles fondly for a moment before the door cracks open and a smiling Daniel Jackson sticks his head inside.
"Hey guys, uh...not interrupting am I?"
"No Daniel, go on"
"Uh, the ambassadors ETA is five minutes"
"We'll be there Daniel"
With that the short exchange is over, and Daniel leaves, and the General smiles softly, gaze falling slowly to the table top, and the work waiting there. A sigh comes softly across the room, and as my eyes catch the light reflected from a simple gold wedding band on the General's finger, I feel a catch in my throat, and find I have to speak.
"Mom?"
The General turns to look up at me, her blue eyes betraying a hint of tears, her soft blonde hair bobbing as she turns, still without a hint of grey. She smiles as best as she can, and stands to come to my side where she envelopes me in a closer hug, holding me tight. I squeeze her shorter form against me, and when she pulls back her eyes are clear once more, and her smile genuine.
"Sorry, you know how I get" She smiles at me, her eyes tracing every feature, and I can't help but think about the man she's undoubtedly comparing me with. She's been doing that more and more over the years, and though she tries to hide it, I can always recognise that searching expression, followed by that sudden pain and loss that twitches across her face, then is gone. But that expression is always followed by a warm smile, and more often than not a hug.
"It's okay Mom" I say, and she nods and rests back against her desk, taking a deep breath. I know what she's wondering, she's wondering what the diaries said, what he said. My father. Jack O'Neill. I was 21 yesterday, and when I woke in the SGC and got up there was a large package sitting by my bed. Confused, I opened it to find a stack of files and an old, worn and sealed leather diary and a note from my Mom. She said that I could finally hear about all SG-1's adventures now that I had been working there, and that there was something else, my Dad's diary. Mom said that Dad wanted me to have it when I was 21, that there were memories and missions that he wanted me to read about. I can tell she's afraid of what was in that diary, and I know by the fact that it was sealed that she has never read it, but I have. The reports told me of missions, problems, friends lost and worlds saved, but the diary was different. It told me of a man, his thoughts, his feelings from the day he rejoined the SGC after retirement, and I have never felt closer to my father than I do now. I read fascinated at the way he dealt daily with his galaxy travelling life, and how a certain blonde second in command took his breath away from day one. It was kind of weird and embarrassing reading my father's thoughts on my mother, and how she slowly wormed her way into his heart, and when he finally wrote on the page that he thought he loved her I felt myself choke up. The words 'I think I love her' were hastily scored out, then written again, then hurriedly followed by 'What the hell am I doing?' He then scribbled some more about going mad, or being stupid, and there were no entries for the next week. Then he was talking about fishing, and saving the world, and someone called Thor, and then he ended this last entry with this sentence. 'I was wrong, thinking I love her, I know I do'
"The four of you got up to some wild things" I say, changing the subject, and she smiles wider and runs a hand through her hair, shaking her head and blowing out her cheeks, no doubt at the memories of some of the missions that SG-1 went on. I mean, according to some of those reports my parents and Daniel and Teal'c saved the whole planet on more than one occasion!
"Yes we did, but we always got out of it" She says, then chokes a little and purses her lips. Yeah, yeah they did always get out of it, almost. And in my mind I can clearly see the last written page of the diary, see every stroke and arch of his scrawled words. His...his last written words. There was a change of format from the daily thoughts of before, after his somewhat embarrassing description of his first night with my Mom, the months they spent together, their subsequent marriage when she got her own command, and finally his joy at finding out he was going to be a father. Reading all of that through my Dad's eyes was strange, and I almost felt like I was intruding on his personal thoughts, and to tell the truth by the time I got to the last page I was beginning to wonder why he wanted me to read this diary at all. And then I read the last page.
The last page was a letter, a letter addressed to me. The son he never got to see.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi.
I guess I should introduce myself.
I'm Colonel Jack O'Neill, and I'm your father.
I'd kinda rather hoped that I'd never have to introduce myself to you at any point, I always kinda hoped that I'd be there for you, every day. That I'd be there to pick you up when you fell, play ball with you in the garden, help you with your homework, watch you graduate, then watch you no doubt follow in your mother's footsteps and go to College and become some kind of genius. Not that I'd mind, I'd be very proud of you no matter what you did, but I guess a tiny part of me hopes you'd maybe follow in your old man's footsteps (and your Mother's) and join the military. Hell one day you might even join the SGC, and see what I've been doing all this time.
As I write this, I'm about to go off on a mission somewhere very dangerous, and there's a big chance I might not make it back. You see, there's a real nasty guy out there, called Apophis, and he keeps making trouble, and this time he's joined up with all kinds of nasty guys and he's been beating on some friends of mine and your mother's, the Tok'ra. So basically we can't let him do that, and SG-1 are heading out to help. Well, SG-1 minus Sam, your mother, because being eight months pregnant with your first child isn't best for fighting. So, she's staying here with you, and I'm going off. I'm hoping that somehow we'll be able to fix this, defeat Apophis and free our friends, but if you're reading this, then I guess I didn't make it back.
I'm sorry.
I made you with Sam, and I've spent the last eight months watching you grow inside your mother, talking to you, singing to you even, no matter how much Sam protested, and I always thought I'd be there to greet you when you joined us out here in the big wide world. But I'm not, and that for that I'm truly sorry. Just yesterday Sam had an ultrasound, and after finding that everything was alright with you, we decided to forego the surprise and we found out you were a boy. Well, you're a man now I guess, 21 years old, and God I wish I could be there to see you. I want to know if you have my eyes, my nose, or God forbid my hair, but I'll probably have a hell of a long wait before I meet you. Well I hope it's a long wait. I wish at least I knew your name, because Sam and I never had time to finalise our choice, but if she's named you after me tell her I thought we decided against it!
Anyway, look, I have to go. Teal'c is all geared up and he just passed my office, so I really should go say goodbye to your Mom and join them in the gateroom. Listen son, I hope you don't hate me for going out there and getting myself killed when I should be back with you and your Mom, but I have to do this. I'm doing it for Earth, and I'm doing it for you. Oh I know this sounds far fetched and full of military bravado, but it's true, and I hope in time you'll get to hear all about the things we got up to.
Listen, before I leave, I have a few things I want to say. I'll never get to say them face to face but I just want you to know.
I know you'll be a good man, I mean I was never perfect, but I got by, and always did what I thought was right, and your Mom should keep you straight. So listen to her, and Daniel and Teal'c if they made it back without me. And listen to your grandfather, and to Doc Frasier and General Hammond, and between them they should see to it you grow up with a good head on your shoulders. I can't guarantee it'll be a head that'll attract the girls, but if you inherit more than just your mother's brains I'm sure you'll be fighting the ladies off with a stick. Oh and about women? Be glad I'm not there to give you awful advice, but if you ever find yourself falling in love with a beautiful, kind, smart and loving woman, go for it, and tell her. Yeah so there may be obstacles in your way, and at the time they may seem insurmountable, but with a little patience, and belief, and a hell of a lot of application, you'll find it has all been worth it, and it certainly was for me. I'm sure that may seem pretty oblique to you, but your Mom will no doubt tell you all about it when you're all grown up. And if she ever tells you about all the stupid things I've done and said over the years, rest assured that you've probably inherited my unique sense of humour!
Damn, the General just tapped on my window, I have to go.
Look son, no matter what you do with your life, and no matter what you become, I want you to know that I'm proud of you, and that I love you very much.
I love you son.
Your Dad,
Jack
P.S Look after your Mom, and tell her I love her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I spent the half-hour after reading that personal note in a mixture of tears and laughter before that SF came to fetch me.
When he was joking and I imagine laughing in that letter, he sounds just like how Mom and the others describe him, and just how I've seen him on tape from Christmases and days out. And the other side of him Mom spoke of, that' s there too. I...God I wish I'd known him. He sounds like he would have been a great Dad. That's why he wanted me to read this, he wanted me to understand him, he wanted me to see him through his own eyes, get a different perspective, see his mistakes and his regrets and his feelings, things that I couldn't get from anyone else, no matter how close they were or how well they knew him. He wanted me to know him, and now, I feel like I do.
Mom told me all about Charlie, and about how excited he was waiting on me being born, and yes, she did hate his singing, but she always tells me how she put up with a lot of weird things being married to him. And, I guess he wouldn't be best pleased that Mom saw fit to name me Jonathon, that part certainly made me laugh. I find myself lost in my thoughts, and a gentle touch on my shoulder draws me back, and I look down to see my Mom's worried eyes gazing up at me.
"Jonathon, are you okay?"
I think for a moment, think about my family, my friends, the way things turned out, and what I missed out on, not just me but my Mom as well. Her wedding ring catches my eye again, and I feel the sudden well of tears at the back of my eyes. I wonder what it must have been like for her when they came back, when Daniel and Teal'c and half of SG12 came back through alive, with my father's body. And in all the time I've been old enough to know, she 's never once had another boyfriend, never had more than the occasional date. I confronted her about this once, a few years ago, and I asked her why she didn't go out and find someone else. I guess I got sick hearing about how great my father was from everyone else, and at the time I was 17 and I resented him for not being there for me, and resented him for putting Mom's life on hold, for stopping her loving anyone else. She broke down in tears right in front of me when I confronted her, and I felt so guilty I took her in my arms and wished I'd never said a damn word, and all she said was something about how if I'd known him, then I'd understand how she could never, ever love anyone else. That was a difficult time for me and Mom, as I was starting to resemble my father as I grew, and I could feel the weight of expectation on me, feel the pressure of living up to him, but it's the least I can do to try. Try and do what he wanted me to. I drag my attention back to my Mom, and she's watching me curiously, trying to see what I'm thinking, wondering what he wrote to me, but then she shakes her head slightly, smiles and steps back. She obviously thinks that I need time, that we'll talk about it when I'm ready, when I've digested it, and we will Mom, we will.
"Jonathon? We better go"
With that she smiles warmly, then moves away, giving me a moment to compose myself before we go down to the gateroom. I watch her walk away, my lip between my teeth, then I step after her and call her back, wanting to at least fulfil one of my father's wishes.
"Mom?"
"Yeah?" She says brightly, turning to look at me. I take a step closer, suck in a deep breath and look right into her clear blue eyes.
"He...he told me to tell you he loves you"
I say my piece softly, then my eyes drop away, and when I look back hers have fallen, and when she looks back at me she seems so small and vulnerable, tears gathering beneath her lashes, her lips trembling slightly. She bites her lip and shakes for a moment, then quickly brushes the tears away, before pausing to glance back at her desk, and at the framed photographs that rest there. When she looks back at me the traces of tears are still there, but she's smiling. Her smile is wide and bright, and her eyes sparkle as she no doubt relives her memories of him in her mind. He must have been some man. She comes back over to me, and placing her hands on my shoulders she stands on her tiptoes to kiss my cheek.
"Thank you Jonathon" And then she leaves, and I listen to her trot down the
steps. When she's gone I step over to her desk, and glance at the photo's there as I've done many times. She has a lot of photo's of him at home, and I've been seeing his face since I can remember. I used to keep a photo of him in my drawer in my room, an old faded, wrinkled photo I quietly took from Mom's photo album in some attempt to make a connection with my Dad, and I still have it to this day. These photo's are different. Mostly they're of SG1. There's no romantic photos, no wedding photos like at home, just group shots, the four of them hugging and laughing. Two of the photos were taken before Mom and Dad even got together, but you can still see the love there as they look shyly at each other, with soft smiles on their faces. It's then that I realise that they didn't just lose him, they lost their team that day they brought his body back. Apparently he'd died saving the others, and from what they tell me it's the very definition of the man he was. My father. I turn then to follow my mother, but as I'm walking across the briefing room I stop suddenly when something catches my eye.
I gaze at the large framed picture of Earth to see what distracted me and sigh as my own movements catch my eye again. The Earth is framed against a black background, and in the glass in front I can see my reflection. I'm rather used to my reflection obviously, but every so often I catch myself at a strange angle, or in different lighting, and what I see takes my breath away. I've seen the others do it too on occasion, seen them look at me, see something there, then smile fondly, and shake their head. For a long time I never knew why they looked at me like that, but as I got older I saw it too, as I see it now. It's not a very clear reflection in the picture frame glass, but it some ways it heightens the resemblance. It's my eyes that do it the most I guess. My eyes are brown, a dark liquid brown that uh...some women have commented upon, and my mom told me once that that is one of the things that most attracted her to my father. My brows are low, and often hood my eyes, but can leap upwards with surprising ease when I'm amused, and my ability to control them individually when confused or questioning usually starts my Mom reminiscing. My nose is fairly straight and boring, my cheekbones are a little prominent, and my lips are accented, a rather thin upper lip compensated for by a fuller lower one. My hair is a light brown, and in summer gains a golden tinge, from Mom I guess, but that's it's only plus point, as, thanks Dad, it's the most unruly hair I've ever seen. I'm taller than Dad already, but nowhere near as broad yet, but I'm still growing as Mom is always telling me, and I've yet to get some more meat on my bones.
I finally drag my eyes away from my reflection when I hear the gate start to spin. That'll be the ambassador, so I better get down there. I drag my fingers through the hair while I glance back at myself, and try to ensure I at least look neat. Oh well, that'll do. I finally leave the room and jog down the stairs to the lower level, then around the corridor and into the doorway of the gateroom where my mother and Dr. Jackson, or should I say Daniel, are waiting. The gate stops spinning, and the wormhole whooshes open, bathing the room in that familiar iridescent blue light that my father must have seen hundreds of times. I watch from the background as my Mom and Daniel walk up the ramp, smiles lighting their faces as they hold open their arms for the ambassador from Chulak, Teal'c.
I simply stand and watch for a few moments, watch as these three old friends embrace. Teal'c left to be the ambassador with his homeworld about ten years ago, and since then I've only seen him fleetingly as he rarely left the base when he visited. This is the first time he's visited since I started work here, and he hasn't seen me for five years. My mother laughs and joke with the huge man, but eventually he asks something of her, and she turns to look around the room. It looks like it's my cue. I walk slowly out into the gateroom, feeling twenty odd years of history settle on my bones with each step, seeing the place through my father's eyes. My mother smiles as I approach, glancing to Teal'c and he regards me steadily, his eyes wide as he no doubt compares me with my father. I approach the group, and Teal'c takes a step forward, and extends a hand in welcome.
"I am very pleased to see you once again Jonathon. You favour your father extremely"
"Thanks Teal'c" I say genuinely "It's good to see you too"
His face suddenly breaks into a broad grin and with one hand clamped on my shoulder his other massive hand reaches out and fluffs my hair roughly, and I screw up my face and try to struggle from his grip.
"For crying out loud Teal'c" I say, pushing at his arm, and suddenly the only sound is one of sucked breaths and all eyes are on me. I gulp when I realise the import of the words that have just left my mouth, but instead of tears, my Mom's face suddenly breaks into a broad grin, and Daniel slaps me on the back and turns to grin at her.
"See? He's still here Sam!" And she nods, and takes me in her arms. We stand there for a moment, the four of us hugging, and I feel the strangest sense of connection with these three people, for so many reasons. He's not really gone is he? Not really, I mean yes I know he's dead, and we all wish he wasn 't, but all those memories of him are still here, and he left something else behind, he left me. No I'm not him, and I never will be, and no-one wants me to or expects me to be, but I'm part of him, and to me he's always been here.
I'll always miss you Dad, and wish you could be here, with me, with Mom and with your friends, but in so many ways you are, and you'll never leave me. How can you when you're so much a part of me? When I see your face every time I look in a mirror? It's a difficult legacy to live up to Dad, a lot of responsibility and pressure, but for the first time in my life I welcome it, and I thank you. I'm glad you were my Dad, and I'm gonna do my best to make you proud. I hope you're happy Dad, and I hope you found Charlie up there. When it's my time I'll come find you, and we'll play ball and do all those other things we never got to do, but until them I'm gonna be the best damn man I can. I promise.
Don't worry Dad, I'll look after Mom for you, and the others, and try my best to keep Earth safe as well. Oh and about advice Dad? I could use a little about this gorgeous blonde sergeant I have under my command as my assistant, but I'm sure I'll manage to muddle through on my own.
Thanks Dad, for being just that.
Oh and Dad?
I love you.
************************************** THE END **************************************
Story Notes: EMAIL: dustdevil@btinternet.com
CATEGORY: S&JR CHARACTER DEATH (IN THE PAST)
WARNINGS: CHARACTER DEATH (IN THE PAST)
ARCHIVE: S&J Archive and Heliopolis, Yes. Others...please ask.
FEEDBACK: Yes please! Feeeeeeeeeeedbaaaaaaaaack...drool...
SPOILERS: Uh...don't think so...but it's set season 3.
CATEGORY: S&JR CHARACTER DEATH (IN THE PAST)
WARNINGS: CHARACTER DEATH (IN THE PAST)
ARCHIVE: S&J Archive and Heliopolis, Yes. Others...please ask.
FEEDBACK: Yes please! Feeeeeeeeeeedbaaaaaaaaack...drool...
SPOILERS: Uh...don't think so...but it's set season 3.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]