General Jack O'Neill? Huh! That's a joke. This is a guy that can't even sustain a decent friendship without blowing it, Jack said to himself as he looked in the mirror. You're in charge of an important top secret base and you can't even keep your own life in order.
He'd been trying to avoid Sam, too mortified about the previous day's events to face her, so he'd kept busy. One advantage of being a General is that you have people to fend off calls and visitors for you rather than having to do it yourself. She had tried to see and speak to him a couple of times and he'd managed to be doing something else very plausible sounding and General like. Frankly, he didn't know what to say to her or how to react.
A General shouldn't be afraid to face one of his own subordinates. It was ridiculous. On the other hand a General shouldn't be in love with one of his subordinates either. He'd figure it out and contrive to see her tomorrow. Put off the evil day, that's right Jack. Coward!
Returning to sit at his desk, he flipped open the next file he was supposed to read, wondering why the heck was he was even doing this job? Paperwork was so not his thing. He couldn't avoid reading the briefing files and mission reports anymore. Winging it was not a very strong option for a General, although he still managed it more often than he probably should.
He was distracted by raised voices outside his room. One of them sounded distinctly like a blonde Lt. Colonel he would very much like to get to know better. It seemed that avoiding it was not a strong option either. It wasn't even an option. Jack opened the door.
"You'd better come in Carter. It's all right Major." He turned to the over eager Major, who was blocking Sam's path.
Sam shut the door behind her as she entered his room.
"Sit down Carter."
So he is going to keep this all business is he? She thought.
"I'd rather stand Sir." He met her eye.
"Please sit Sam."
"Sir." She obeyed.
"I think." They both said at once.
"Yes Sir?" She said, deferring to Jack. Should he insist she go first? Definitely a coward.
"You first Carter. You wanted to see me?" He reminded her that she had made the move.
"Umm. I wanted to apologise Sir. I was a little out of line yesterday." Her cheeks were flushed and she was obviously as mortified as he was.
"I'm beginning to wonder if my office isn't the best place for this conversation." He replied.
"With all due respect Sir, we need to clear the air. You can't keep avoiding me."
"I'm not avoiding you."
"Aren't you. Sir?" Jack had the good grace to look ashamed of himself in response to her accurate observation.
"Actually, I think it's me who owes you an apology." She looked puzzled. "The photograph Sam." She mouthed 'Oh!" and looked discomforted.
"You don't need to apologise to me for that Sir."
"Believe me. I do." Somehow he felt like a man who'd been caught stealing a lady's underwear from her drawer; or worse, her dirty laundry basket. They were silent for a while after that.
"I don't want us to feel uncomfortable around each other." She said eventually. Jack shrugged.
"It wouldn't be the first time."
Sam couldn't deny that but felt him slipping away from her. Jack O'Neill could be a very difficult man.
"After Denver; all your support. We've been so close."
"Too close." He replied. Way, way too close, he thought. He didn't want to back off but had to. He was getting in too deep, above his head.
"Oh." Was all she said.
"Sam, we can never be more than friends." He couldn't believe he was actually saying this to her. Although it was probably true, he didn't want it to be.
"No. Of course not. I didn't mean to. I'm sorry Sir." She was caught off guard by his statement and wasn't sure how to react.
"Do you think you should take bereavement counselling?" He asked unexpectedly.
"What?"
"Bereavement counselling. Perhaps you should see someone."
"Would you?"
"Nope" He tried to avoid any counselling. Sometimes it was forced upon him. He could do the same to her but wasn't sure that he should. "You've just lost someone you love Sam. I know how hard that can be. You aren't exactly yourself right now."
"No, probably not Sir." She admitted. If nothing else, that gave her a good excuse for trying it on with her CO just after her boyfriend's funeral. Her CO was clearly hinting that she should lay off. Too close? Damn! She hadn't wanted to. spoil things.
"I'm sorry Carter, I have a meeting scheduled." That was true, although he could have delayed it. This was an odd conversation and one he found no comfort in whatsoever.
"Yes Sir. Are we. alright Sir?"
Alright? Jack wondered exactly what 'alright' meant in this context. As Commanding Officer and subordinate? As friends? As Jack and Sam? He wasn't sure how 'alright' things were, but they had to be.
"Sure." He smiled in what he hoped was a reassuring way.
The conversation was unsatisfactory and had done little to 'clear the air' as Sam had put it. With difficulty, Jack tried not to let it distract him from his meeting, mainly because the meeting was so dull. He started to wish something exciting would happen like an unauthorised gate activation; anything to get him out of his office.
In the end he couldn't just leave things between him and Sam in that undesirable position, so after the meeting sought her out. Surprised to be unable to find her, he checked with the SFs to discover she'd gone home and recalled that she had mentioned going earlier than normal today. For Sam, earlier than normal often actually still meant quite late. This was way early.
When he'd finished for the day he decided to drop by to see her. This time he would ensure that they didn't get too close. He had to settle this somehow because it was unbearable.
"General!" She exclaimed as she saw him in her doorway.
"Can I come in Sam?"
"Of course Sir."
"Can we be Jack and Sam for a while?" He asked as he entered the house and she nodded.
"Coffee or something. Jack?" He shook his head.
"I'm not staying long."
Sam had kind of figured that. He sought the informality of friends but she could tell from his demeanour that something was wrong in the world of General Jack O'Neill and Lt. Colonel Carter. She didn't think she was going to like this conversation.
They sat in what seemed to have become their customary places on her couch. The photograph Jack had taken, and then given back with such embarrassment, sat on the coffee table glaring up at him accusingly. He coughed to clear his throat.
"I said I'd be here for you when you needed me Sam but I'm not sure I can be anymore." Sam's heart sank. She loved his company. "I know I'm letting you down."
"Jack, you've done so much. How could you be letting me down? You've been amazing."
"I don't break promises."
"I know. So why?"
Instead of answering he picked up the photo and stared at it. The one Jim had let him take was in his pocket but that was of her alone; this was of both of them and it meant more to him.
"This is a great photo Sam. I can't remember it being taken. It's in my garden isn't it?"
"A barbecue, a couple of years ago. Janet took it. Remember that time when Teal'c had Cassie in hysterics tickling her after she cheated during their game of hide and seek?. Silly party games." She laughed at the memory and Jack joined her.
"Yeah! That was a great party. Teal'c really gets into those kid's games, doesn't he?"
After his laughter died his smile continued, remembering. They'd been good times. Then he shook the memory, determined that he should finish what he'd started.
"I'm so easily distracted, and they make me a General? Go figure." Sam laughed.
"Well you made me a Lt. Colonel."
"That was well deserved." He smiled and then sighed, steeling himself for what he needed to say to her. "You ask why? Surely you know why Sam." Jack looked into her eyes. "So near yet so far apart. I can't handle that." Sam was shocked that he expressed such feelings.
"We don't have to be so far apart." That surprised him.
"Yes we do, for lots of reasons."
"Like?"
"For crying out loud Sam, the man you love has just died. I'm in charge of the base and you're under my command. Do I need to spell this out? I told you, you're not thinking straight. Neither am I. I need to think straight Sam. I can't afford distractions. Nor can I let us get either too close or too far apart. I need Doctor, Lt. Colonel Carter."
"I don't quite know what to say to that."
"You don't have to say anything. You just need to accept it. The last thing you should do right now is something stupid. while you're feeling vulnerable. Don't do anything in haste. Do you understand what I'm saying here?"
"I think you're saying you can't be here for me any more." She said after a long pause. This was such a weird conversation and she wasn't entirely sure she understood it but she got the gist.
"Not. like I have been. I want to be, but I can't." Because if I do I'm going to go slowly insane, he thought. "That doesn't mean I'm not here for you Sam. It just means. not like that."
"Okay." She wasn't sure how she felt but knew he was right about one thing; she wasn't thinking straight.
"Good." He had to take that at face value; was in no position to dig any deeper. "I'd better go. I need to sleep." He knew that rest would be elusive and he'd probably be awake half the night.
"Jack!" She exclaimed as he got up to go, "Do you want the photograph?"
"No, it's yours." That damned photo had been a whole heap of trouble. He could feel his face turn pink at the recollection of what he'd done and what it implied.
"You must have wanted it if you took it Jack. Why else would you take it?"
"You know why I took it." He wasn't looking at her so couldn't gauge her reaction. "It was stuffed in a box in the top of your cupboard. I figured you never even looked at it anymore."
"I still look at it."
The breath caught in his throat at those words and he wanted to turn back and take her in his arms. It was too late for all of that. She'd made her choices long ago and they hadn't included him. He couldn't bear that he was second best; the runner up. He'd longed to be number one with her. Even worse, he knew he would only get more hurt if they started up a relationship in the wake of her lover's death. Maybe not deliberately, but she would use him to get over Pete, and then get fed up with him. God knows, she'd probably get fed up with him too quickly in any event. He chose to ignore her comment.
"I'll miss you being around." She said and he turned to face her.
"I'll be around."
He was around. He was around as her CO, sometimes as her friend, but he was careful not to get too close. The relationship they'd had since Pete's death was dead and he missed it terribly, particularly when he was alone at night. He imagined how it felt to hold her in his arms, share a bed with her. Sometimes he thought he could smell her scent on his pillow.
Jack hadn't shared that sort of companionship for a long time. He was a one man woman. He could easily have found someone to be with, or even just to have sex with, lord knows he missed and needed that; but he wasn't the sort of man to have a casual fling. Jack O'Neill was into commitment, loyalty, faith and trust. Once he gave one or all of those things to someone he only took it away again for very good reason.
If his wife hadn't left him he would probably still be with her now and Sam wouldn't even be an issue. He believed in the sanctity of marriage, in commitment, and believed he would never stop loving Sam, so would forever be a lonely man. Those thoughts left him feeling joyless and empty.
To Jack the most unforgivable sin was betrayal. If he'd felt betrayed by Sam's actions he could have turned away from her and lived with that, but he didn't. They had never made any promises or commitments to each other. In his heart he had promised himself to her, and hoped she had done likewise, but that was a dream, not reality.
In fact he believed that Sam had done the right thing. Sadly probably with the wrong person, and that worried him a little, but she seemed unaware that she had made a bad choice. She would never know what Jack knew about Pete, so would remain unaware and able to think of him fondly forever. Jack could never hurt Sam by telling her such a thing. She had been right to try for a life outside of the SGC, without him, however much it hurt. Jack was unavailable, which was entirely his own fault, and a result of their close working relationship, not to mention regulations. Nevertheless, this made it no easier for her, or both of them.
Jack suggested she take time off, but she refused and he figured she wanted to keep occupied. However, he consulted the Doc for her views, determined to order Sam home if necessary. The Doc said she would keep an eye on Sam and he should let her deal with it in her own way for now.
One day, about a week after their conversation at her house, there was a knock on Jack's door. When he answered a parcel lay on his step and he glanced up to see the rear end of Sam's car driving away from the front of his house. What the.? Heart beating rapidly he eagerly took it inside and ripped it open. The picture of them at his barbecue stared up at him from a simple frame. There was a short note: 'Jack, I got a copy made for you so we both have one. I hope you like it. Sam'
Like it? He loved it. It was a kindness after his theft of the photo in the first place, and subsequent humiliation. He still smarted whenever he thought of it. What a fool he'd made of himself. Staring at the photo for a while his thoughts were wistful, but verging on the dark and he began to wonder if it was such a good idea after all; a constant reminder of everything he had lost. We look pretty good together; he thought sighing and wondering where to put it. Leaving it on the table for now he finished getting ready for work.
Sam was feeling cut off and distanced from Jack and wasn't at all happy about that, but didn't know what to do about it. He'd made his feelings abundantly clear; he wanted to back off from the close relationship they'd developed after Pete's death. As time passed by she abandoned hope of them ever even being friends again, never mind about the sort of relationship she yearned for with him.
A couple of months flashed by and Jack was around, as he said he would be. Sometimes she saw him as her CO and sometimes with the rest of their friends, but virtually never alone. The occasions with friends had become rare events; he seemed to be distancing himself from them also although she knew he saw both Daniel and Teal'c and she didn't even merit an invite. That fact increasingly depressed her. She could feel the distance between them widening and he was becoming too remote and unreachable. She got the impression that her two team mates were also worried about Jack, but they never really talked about it.
One day that changed when Daniel paid her a visit in her lab. He looked a little down as he entered.
"Sam. ermm. can I have a word?" He asked.
"Of course Daniel. What is it?" Her tone expressed her concern; it was obvious something was wrong.
"I'm not sure how to say this, or even if I should say it." He nervously pushed his glasses up his nose and Sam waited patiently. "Jack made me promise not to say anything to anyone." She was surprised that he might break a confidence or a promise, particularly something linked to Jack. "But I have to; I can't just sit by and let it all fall apart."
"Daniel?" She question, trying to urge him on, her interest peaked. Fall apart? What was going to fall apart? "Is something wrong with the General?" Her concern was clearly heightened by that prospect, her voice betraying her strong emotions and feelings for Jack. Daniel looked pained but pressed on regardless.
"I don't know. He's thinking of resigning." Sam was shaken by that revelation.
"What? Resigning? He. he can't! Why?"
"My own view? Because of you." She gasped at Daniel's suggestion.
"Did he say that? Why?"
"Of course he didn't say that. You know him. I was surprised he even said anything at all. I wondered whether at heart he wanted me to tell you. Jack O'Neill can be a difficult man to fathom, you know that as well as I do."
She was silent, turning things over in her head.
"Why do you think it's because of me Daniel?" She ventured to ask, eventually.
"Well, you know how he feels about you Sam. Please don't tell me you don't. Unrequited love is a difficult thing to deal with. Maybe he can't do it anymore. He hasn't been the same since Pete's funeral." She was taken aback.
"It's not unrequited Daniel." Her voice was quiet as if she made that confession reluctantly.
"I know that, but does he?" He asked and she considered that.
"He must know." Daniel shook his head in response, clearly not agreeing that Jack knew any such thing. "You don't think so?"
"Pete, Pete's death, Jack's apparent lack of self esteem, despite his arrogant mask. We have to read between the lines with Jack. You know him, so what do you think?"
"We got pretty close for a while after Pete's death." She wasn't sure what to make of Daniel's idea, although he was right that it was very Jack.
"Too close." Her eyes widened at that.
"Are you sure he hasn't said something more Daniel? He said that to me." Daniel answered with an expression on his face that said it all - come on Sam, wake up and smell reality! "He backed off." She admitted, "way off."
She sounded rueful and Daniel figured she probably was. He'd almost bet it was driving her crazy. He wanted to knock Jack and Sam's heads together. Why the heck didn't they act on their so obviously mutual feelings? Once he had thought they both knew how the other one felt, but a lot had happened since then.
"I hope you don't think he did that because he didn't care Sam, because you are wrong."
"I know he cares. it's just." She shrugged helplessly, obviously upset. "What do I do? I can't lose him Daniel and I know I am. I don't really understand why."
"None of us wants to lose him Sam. Jack can be so defensive, building up gigantic walls to stop himself hurting or even feeling anything. That doesn't mean he doesn't feel it deep inside in a little corner of himself he'd rather pretend wasn't there. My guess? You'd never lose him if he knew how you really felt. But I don't know what you should do. Maybe you shouldn't do anything. What do you think you should do?"
"I think you threw me a little hint there Daniel." She smiled sorrowfully, "I should talk to him, tell him how I feel."
"It's a start." Daniel returned her smile.
"What if he doesn't really feel that way?" She asked, fearfully.
"You're kidding, right?" Daniel was surprised she doubted it. "He's nuts about you."
"How do you know that?"
"I just do. Trust me Sam. Look. just how exactly do you compete with a dead hero?"
"You think he feels that about Pete?" The notion took her by surprise.
"Come on Sam. As far as he knows the great love of your life died. He never wanted to compete with Pete when he was alive, never mind about after he died."
"But Jack's." She wanted to add, 'the great love of my life' but refrained. Daniel seemed to know what she was going to say.
"I know, but he doesn't. Do I have to spell it out for you? I'm guessing Jack thinks he's not good enough for you Sam. Lord knows he can be cocky but you and I both know a lot more than most about what sort of man hides underneath."
"So I talk to him; tell him?"
"I figure."
She thought about it a while, imagining all the obstacles that stood in their way.
"It doesn't resolve the situation we've always been in. He's still my CO."
"You'll work something out." Daniel replied, trying to reassure her, pretty certain they could find a way.
"If I thought we. I would resign. I'd do it." That confession from Sam really shook Daniel.
"What? Stay at home and have Jack's babies?" Sam responded with a faint laugh.
"I can think of worse fates than that, but it doesn't have to be that, no."
"You'd give up your career Sam? Jack would never want that, or ask you to do it. He'd be stunned that you'd even consider it."
"Then maybe I should tell him that." She replied and Daniel chuckled.
"It might signal that you're really serious I guess."
"I am serious Daniel. It's dragged on for too long. The relationship with Pete made me realise that more than ever."
"Pete prepared you for Jack, huh?" A touch of irony was evident in his voice. "Jack will love that." He snickered again.
"I realised what I was missing in my life; what I might have had. Pete was never the right man though."
"And Jack is?" It pleased him to hear her say that because, despite some incompatibilities between his two friends, he figured they'd be great together.
"I believe so."
"Then don't let him go Sam. Fight for him if you have to. Beg on your knees and make a fool of yourself if necessary. Do whatever it takes."
She was silent again as she pondered his words.
"Is he here?"
"Of course he's here. He's hardly anywhere else these days. That's part of the problem. I hope you aren't planning on talking to him about this in his office." He kidded and she laughed.
"Well if he's always here I might not get much option."
"I'll fix it." Daniel volunteered.
Thus Daniel suggested that he call round to Jack's place later, get pizza, have a beer and watch hockey on TV. Jack was delighted that his friend wanted to see him and readily agreed. He'd been way too lonely lately, and alone. Pleased with his ploy, Daniel told Sam that Jack would be home that night. He wanted to see his friends happy. They were both so miserable in their isolation. He fervently hoped he was right, and that he'd done the right thing.
Jack looked forward to seeing Daniel. He hadn't seen enough of his friends and had been living a solitary existence lately. This was exacerbated by his feelings for Sam, and his defeat and humiliation. He deliberately tried not to see her alone but felt guilty for excluding her from the few occasions he saw Daniel and Teal'c off base, so saw them less too. When she was near him he found it so difficult not to reach out and touch her; he had always been able to control that before but was now finding it close to impossible.
So he withdrew, from her and his other friends. It wounded him deeply to have to do it and he could feel himself shrivelling inside. He had no one left anymore and was increasingly lonely but felt he had no other choice. Protecting himself from the pain as much as possible was his priority. To do otherwise was unbearable, and unthinkable. He wove a strong and protective cocoon around his emotions and became increasingly cold and distant. It was affecting his relationship with the rest of his personnel, although he tried hard not to let it.
When he got home Jack looked around his house, realising it looked as cold and barren as he felt. He'd been neglecting it, hardly ever there anymore, and wondered if he should clean the place before Daniel's arrival. It's only Daniel and he'll understand, he reflected, but did a little dusting nevertheless, and tried to make it look more lived in and welcoming.
Jack was relishing Daniel's impending arrival, had beers cooling in his refrigerator and everything, and was surprised to see Sam standing there when he opened his door.
"Oh! What are you doing here?" It wasn't the welcome Sam hoped for but was more or less what she expected. She tried to shrug off his forbidding tone. "I'm expecting Daniel any minute now."
"I know. I'm sorry Sir, he isn't coming." Jack's eyes widened. Was this some sort of set up?
"What's going on?" He said suspiciously.
"Can I come in please Sir?" She asked, ignoring his question, it would probably be clear enough to him in a few minutes. She had known she would feel nervous of this confrontation, but was not prepared for how scared she really was.
What the hell did she want? Jack asked himself that question but nodded almost imperceptibly and let her in anyway. One of the first things she noticed was the photo of the two of them that she had left in his doorway. It was nestled amongst pictures of Charlie and Sara. He saw her notice it and cursed himself for displaying it so prominently. No one ever came here anymore, least of all her, so it hadn't seemed to matter.
"This is awkward." Sam stated with a faint smile on her lips. Jack thought she looked very nervous.
It was apparent to her that he was deliberately avoiding making her feel welcome; he didn't even offer her a coffee, or drink, which was very unlike the man she loved so dearly. Had she done this to him? The thought appalled her.
"Ya think?" He replied to her statement.
Jack, too, looked uncomfortable. It was time to clear this up, she thought, unable to bear the vast gulf that had grown between them over the previous few months.
"I heard you were thinking of resigning." She said, coming almost straight to the point.
"Oh?"
"Daniel."
"Oh."
So it was a set up. Damn Daniel for opening his big mouth. Jack realised he should have known better, and briefly questioned his motives for saying anything to Daniel in the first place. Had he subconsciously wanted Daniel to tell Sam? He wondered why Daniel had told her something said to him in confidence. Did he hope she could persuade him to stay? Daniel, my friend, you picked the wrong person to try and do that. He promised himself that he'd have words with the scheming archaeologist after this little visit was over with.
"Is it something to do with me? Daniel seemed to think so." She plucked up courage to say. Jack could not recall Sam looking quite so discomforted about anything and realised it had taken a lot of guts for her to come there like this.
"Hey, you know me and paperwork Sam. I miss being. out there."
He gesticulated in a very O'Neill like way and Sam suddenly became aware of how much she had missed watching him do that, which made this all the harder. She realised there was probably no way she'd get Jack to confess he was retiring because of her, even if it was true. This frustrated her; the man could be intractable and fiercely self-protective.
"So you are going to give up and let us all down?" He heard her anger and tried to deflect it with his own.
"Let you down? This is my life we are talking about here. Don't you think I've given enough already?"
"I didn't mean. God, why do you have to be so difficult?" She shook her head in frustration. "This isn't going the way I had hoped. Can we start again?" She implored.
"Had an imaginary conversation worked out in your head, did ya? Things never go like that." He knew what that was like only too well but was nevertheless unrepentant of his sarcastic tone.
"General. Jack. please let's not argue. I want." She sighed heavily, unable to express what she wanted and he stared at her mutely willing her to spit it out and get it over with. "Please don't go. Don't leave us. me." He was caught unawares by her small heartfelt confession and could see that she was distraught. "I don't want to lose you Jack. There's been enough loss already." She turned away and he wondered if she was sobbing.
"Sam, I know your emotions are still all over the place because of Pete. Please don't cry." He gently gasped her arms and squeezed, unable to be angry in the face of her sorrow.
"I'm not crying about him. I'm crying about us." She said.
"What? There is no us." He quickly withdrew his hold on her and stepped back. I can't let her do this to me, he thought. Can she so quickly destroy the hard work I've put into isolating myself from her?
"Exactly my point."
She plucked up courage to turn and look at him. Clearly he was aghast at her statement, making no movement or sound until he spoke in a slightly bitter tone.
"There's never going to be an us Sam, you know that."
She couldn't believe what he was saying. No please don't say that Jack, she begged inside.
"Why not?" It seemed a simple question but it had a multiplicity of answers. "you once said you'd rather die yourself than lose me Jack.
"That was a long time ago and in a totally different context."
"And you don't care anymore?" She asked. Had Daniel been wrong? In her heart she believed he wasn't. Jack said nothing, maintaining a stony face. "It never occurred to you that I felt like that too and still do?"
"Sam, you're still getting over Pete. You don't know what you're feeling. Please don't do this."
"Don't say that. You obviously have no idea how I feel. Sure Pete's death upset me but I can live with it. I'm not sure I could say the same if I lost you, or your feelings for me. Don't tell me all that has gone. I've felt much worse than I did over Pete's death, Jack. I've felt worse when you were badly injured, dying or missing. He was never the man, you were; you still are."
He wasn't sure how to react or what to do. Damn! Truth or dare? Nervously she reached her hand to touch him and when he drew back as if stung she gasped her pain at his reaction.
"I didn't realise things had gotten that bad between us."
"You made your choice Sam. It's too late to turn back the clock."
She remembered what Daniel had said about Jack, and her thoughts since then, glimpsing into the wounded soul of Jack O'Neill. The part she had played in inflicting those wounds weighed heavily upon her.
"No!" She exclaimed, "I refuse to believe that. Is that what it's all about; that I chose Pete? I never chose him. I never had a choice because I wasn't able to choose you. I always wanted you Jack. You have never been second best and you still aren't. You aren't the man I turn to because Pete is gone. Pete should never be an issue with us Jack. I love you."
Jack reeled in shock at her words, unable to let himself believe them.
"How can you say that? Funny thing. I distinctly remember you telling me you loved him."
"Not like you. Never like you."
She could see his disbelief. He'd been trying to immunise himself against her and was still fighting his feelings.
"You don't believe me. You don't trust me anymore?" She asked.
"Of course I do." His voice was so quiet she could barely hear.
"Then trust I know how I feel. Trust me, Samantha Carter, not the Lt. Colonel, or Doctor."
How did she know how he felt? Was he so obvious or was it another of those Jack and Sam 'things' that happened from time to time. He had always believed that those moments meant something; maybe he'd been right after all. His previously absent hope started to surface again, but he was too cautious of getting hurt to let it sweep him up in the moment.
"I." Jack was lost for words.
"Jack I know that you love me." She said it with a lot more confidence than she felt. Fight! She told herself. Screw pride and everything else, this is too important. She could be just as pig-headed as him if she chose to be and, if she lost this argument, she lost it all.
"What makes you say that?" His facial expression gave nothing away but she looked into his eyes and saw everything.
"Are you going to deny it? Deny us? It's time to stop running away. Can you honestly tell me you don't love me?" Silently, he stared at her for a while and she held his gaze, never flinching. His response was very subdued, and monosyllabic.
"No."
Piece by piece she had been dismantling the walls that protected him. Had she truly reached him?
"I know you find it hard to accept my feelings for you. It's as if you think that somehow Samantha Carter is too good for the humble, self-effacing Jack O'Neill." He was surprised by her perceptiveness. "But you need to accept it. I need you to accept it. We can't keep running in opposite directions. I love you and I always did; it's as simple as that."
"I don't know what to say." He confessed, helpless to reply adequately.
"You don't have to say anything Jack. You never did."
This moved him to want to reach out and take her in his arms but he didn't.
"I'm not sure I can. It's too soon Sam. Pete only died a couple of months ago. You still need time to sort out your feelings."
"No, you're wrong; I know my feelings. You want me to come calling in another 6 months to tell you the same thing? We'll have wasted 6 months, Jack, and we've wasted enough time already."
"I don't know what I want." He admitted.
"Oh." She felt disappointed. "I pour out my heart to you and you don't know what you want?"
"Well you seem to know how I feel about everything, so why don't you tell me?" Sam looked hurt and confused by his words and Jack thought, welcome to my world. "I need time. I need to think Sam. I wish things were as simple as you seem to believe, but they aren't."
"Have I just made a total fool of myself?" She asked.
"No, of course not." He couldn't stop himself from reaching out to grasp her hand and squeeze it. "I just. we both need more time."
"Yeah, after all, we've only had 8 years." Her tone was as sarcastic as his own often was, and he couldn't help but laugh, easing the tension between them. "Look, it's no coincidence that we were bound together in two other realities, or that Thera and Jonah were attracted like magnets. Think about it Jack, please," She paused and a small smile lit her face, "and promise me you won't do anything stupid like resign. We all need you. Sir."
She didn't wait for an acknowledgement but returned his hand squeeze, let go and turned on her heel, leaving behind a very thoughtful, but confused, Jack O'Neill.
/Continued in Part 4: Time Will Tell/
Story Notes: Being There 03: Sequel/Series Info: Sequel to Being There Part 2: Waking in Denver
Status: Series, 3 of 4.
Author's Note: Thanks again to Bonnie for her beta read, advice and encouragement, Trish for her initial inspiration and Phil for his wonderful artwork. To see the fantastic Phil's lovely work go to the fic on my site at this link: http://www.ficwithfins.com/su/ship/btpt3.htm
Status: Series, 3 of 4.
Author's Note: Thanks again to Bonnie for her beta read, advice and encouragement, Trish for her initial inspiration and Phil for his wonderful artwork. To see the fantastic Phil's lovely work go to the fic on my site at this link: http://www.ficwithfins.com/su/ship/btpt3.htm
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]