~~~Å~~~
Part Four
5 years later
Cassandra climbed out of her car slowly, making sure her sunglasses were firmly secure and that her hat shaded her face. She locked the car and glanced around the car park. Just in case.
She walked towards the building cautiously. Some of the mothers greeted her with a small nod or smile as she entered the building. She smiled and nodded back as she walked slowly towards the room where the soft music was coming from.
She stood by the door and watched the little girls all dancing in time with the music, like little pink fairies. They were reflected in the mirrors that surrounded the room making it seem as though there were hundreds of them.
The teacher noticed her and signalled for her to come in. Cassie sidled into the room and sat on a chair in the corner, watching quietly.
She smiled at the tiny girl in a pink leotard with her golden hair pulled into a small bun. She'd always been tiny and had therefore been placed near the front. Memories from years back resurfaced and not for the first time Cassie was glad she was wearing sunglasses. She pulled her fingers along the bottom of her eyes removing the tears that had begun to form.
The teacher spoke to the little girl, as she bent down holding the girl's wrist gently and lifting the tiny arm up, "No, Megan. Remember… up and down."
The small child nodded as she lifted her arm and brought it down again and the kindly ballet teacher smiled her approval.
Cassie felt her heart break as the little girl grinned back, her blue eyes and her grin full of joy. She looked so much like her mother sometimes.
The lesson finished and Cassie stood up as the little girl noticed her. Megan's smile widened as she ran to her, "Cassie!"
Cassie put a smile on her face and lifted the girl into her arms, "Hello Sunshine!" She lowered the girl to the floor as she murmured, "Have fun today?"
The little girl nodded eagerly as Cassie took her small hand and led her to the cloakroom, as the child recounted her whole lesson. Cassie gently removed the five-year-olds ballet shoes and helped her to pull her jeans and t-shirt over the top of her tights and leotard. She began to tie Megan's sneaker laces as the girl murmured, "Where's Daddy? He said he was gonna pick me up today."
Cassie looked up wondering if the young girl would understand. Megan had moved up a class at school and was doing work with children a year older than she was. The teacher had even discussed moving her up again, but Jack had refused. She was a bright child and had a way of seeing things. She'd understand…
"Cassie?"
Cassandra realised she'd been staring at the girl. She stared down at the tiny feet as she continued to lace up the little pink sneakers, "You know those bad people that are always trying to take photos of you?"
Megan nodded slowly as Cassie stood up and took the girl's hand, engulfing the tiny fingers in her bigger ones. She sighed trying to find a way to explain it to the young girl, "Well, they're trying to take even more pictures because they now know who you are. Before, we managed to keep you a secret, but someone who we foolishly trusted told them what your pretend name was."
"Somebody tattle-tailed? Was it Kinsey?"
Cassie half smiled half grimaced at the child as they walked out of the cloakroom and towards the car park, "Yes. Now your Dad is trying really hard to make the bad people go away."
Megan nodded and said quietly, admitting something bad she'd done, "One of them phoned Daddy yesterday. Me and Ryan listened on the phone upstairs," the little girl was wearing a troubled expression as she murmured, "I didn't understand it, but Ryan did. He said that the bad people are trying to make Mommy into a movie."
Cassie frowned in shock, "What?" Suddenly a feeling in her stomach made her look up down the corridor. Outside the doors, about a dozen Reporters and their camera crews were waiting in the car park.
"Damn you, Kinsey," Cassie muttered as she grabbed Megan and lifted her into her arms hurrying into the toilets. It was all that snotty bureaucrat's fault for telling the press in the first place. It had only been a few months after… Sam's death that he decided to reveal the whole SGC program. That was understandable, but telling them about Megan and Ryan? That was downright spiteful and Cassie hated the man because of it!
She sat the girl on the side as she removed her shades and hat. She hurriedly put them on the little girl who frowned at her, "Cassie?"
Cassandra pulled off her hooded sweater also pulling that onto the girl as she spoke fiercely, "They are not going to get any decent pictures of you. Even if they know your name, I'm not going to let them know what you look like!"
The girl spoke worriedly, "What about you?"
Cassie sighed and smiled gently, at the tiny child, quite literally hidden by her adult sized sweater, "Well, they're gonna work out who I am at some point."
The little girl began to cry frightened, tiny tears cascading from her beautiful azure eyes, "Will they hurt you?"
Cassie let out a small gasp and hugged the girl tightly, "Oh no. They won't hurt me, Megan." She pulled back and grabbed a tissue from one of the toilets, gently wiping away the little girl's tears.
She then stared into the wide blue eyes and murmured hurriedly, "We're gonna have to make a run for it, just like at the supermarket on Monday."
"You're gonna put me in a trolley?"
Cassie laughed at the little girl as she murmured, "No. I'm going to carry you. I want you to hold on really tightly and hide your face in my shoulder as much as you can, OK?"
The child nodded sincerely as Cassie lifted the girl into her arms. The child wrapped her legs around her waist and Cassie was reminded of carrying her little brother. Megan held on tightly burying her face into Cassie's shoulder and pulling the hood of the jacket down over her glistening blue eyes.
Cassie took a deep breath suddenly realising that once the Reporters knew who she was her life would become a living hell. She couldn't even comprehend what it would be like. Especially if it was anywhere near as bad as what happened to Jack and, to a lesser extent until now, the kids.
She stepped back into the corridor and was faced by most of the mothers. She stared at them wondering what to do next as they both stood staring at each other until one of them spoke.
"Is it true? What the Reporters are saying? That… she's the daughter of Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter?"
Megan glanced up at the people fearfully and then up at Cassie. The young woman nodded gently, "Please. Help us. We can't get out of here on our own."
The women all looked at each other for conformation before another mom who was holding her little girl murmured, "We'll get you out." She glanced at her own daughter as she murmured, "Can't imagine how hard it must be for you."
Cassie smiled gratefully, "Thank you so much."
The woman gave her a comforting smile, as she murmured, "Stand here and we'll surround you."
Cassie felt a pride in the human race that she hadn't felt for a while. These moms realised how horrifying it must be for them. Especially now the papers had discovered the hidden children belonging to two of the greatest heroes history would ever know. For the first time since Teal'c chose exile and moved back to Chulak, Cassie found herself wishing she'd done the same.
She hadn't seen Rya'c for what felt like years when really it had only been weeks. He'd asked, almost begged her to come live with him on Chulak. Now she was beginning to wish she had. Earth had become no more than a living nightmare.
The swarm of women moved into the car park as Cassie clung to the small child. Flashes came from every direction as did the many obnoxious voices of Reporters, as they spoke in chorus, "We want to speak to Miss O'Neill!"
There were many rude comments aimed at the Reporters from the women around her as they surrounded her car. Cassie managed to open the driver's door and climbed in hurriedly, the door slamming after her. She immediately locked all the doors and then collapsed in the driver's seat.
Megan detached herself and scrambled into the passenger seat, fastening her seat belt and pulling her blanket over her.
Cassie started the engine hastily as Reporters that were behind the car refused to budge. There was no way she could drive through them. They were trapped.
Cassie glanced at the girl curled up beneath her blanket, shivering slightly. Daniel had told Megan once that if she covered herself in the blanket she could become invisible. Cassie wished it was that easy.
The flashes of cameras finally made it to the car windows as the Reporters banged on the windows saying, "Who are you?" "Why are you with Miss O'Neill?" "How do you know the Colonel?" "Are you related to Miss O'Neill?" "Is it true your Colonel O'Neill's lover?" "What is Colonel O'Neill really like?" "Is this your stepdaughter-to-be?"
Cassie just sighed and ignored them, no longer able to take this. She didn't have the will power to hide any more. She glanced back down at the shaking blanket as she spoke softly, ignoring the din outside, "Megan, honey?"
The little girl whispered, "I want my Mommy."
Cassie felt her eyes filling with tears as the flashes of cameras became even more ferocious, trying to capture every second of her agony. She suddenly felt a wave of rage well within her. She unwound the window a crack, so the Reporters could hear her but couldn't touch her.
A silence suddenly came over the mob as Cassie's angry tears were caught by many cameras, "Who the hell do you think you are! She's five years old and you've already made her life a living hell, not to mention Jack's and Ryan's. You've made Daniel's life a misery, you've made Janet's life a nightmare and you drove Teal'c back to Chulak!" Cassie felt herself yelling as the Reporters all stared at her flabbergasted, "And now you want to mutate the memory of a fantastic woman into some Hollywood blockbuster! You are sick! You all are! I thought you couldn't stoop any lower, but no! You mob a little girl, who a few moments ago was happy and telling me all about how she was doing in her ballet classes!"
They all stared at her as she revved the engine; some even were decent enough to look ashamed. Cassie spoke furiously, "Now let me go and if you ever EVER publish a single picture of this I'm going to personally make sure that Jack sues your arses for everything you're worth!"
The crowd moved away from the car as Cassie reversed out of the space and sped out of the car park, full throttle still fuming with rage. She slowed down slightly and began to drive back at a safe speed as she murmured, "It's OK, Megan. You can come out. We're going home."
The girl peaked out of her blanket cocoon as she murmured sadly, "Which one?"
~~~Å~~~
Jack sat in the quiet room and rubbed his temples gently, as he let out a small sigh. This was not good. He looked up and his eyes met with the smartly dressed woman sat across the room from him. She spoke gently, "I'm sure we'll find a way to stop this."
Jack shook his head as he looked away from the woman who had done so much for him over the years they'd known each other. He owed her. More than he could ever repay. And yet he still spoke the truth, even though he knew she really didn't want to hear it, "They'll be planning a sequel in two years."
It was Janet's turn to sigh sadly. He watched as she pulled her clever fingers over her tired, sad eyes, "This is wrong."
"What isn't these days?"
Again Jack spoke words of truth. Janet observed the man who'd gained the nasty habit of never meeting anyone's gaze anymore. Well never fully. He may look into your eyes, but Jack O'Neill never met your gaze, not since Sam had died.
The man had lost so much. Sam's death had been the finally straw. Jack O'Neill's usual larger than life personality had diminished and had been replaced with a hollow shell. Jack never let on. In fact, Janet guessed, only the Colonel's best friends could see it. Everyone else must still see the funny, sarcastic, witty, stubborn Colonel. The man used the mask to hide the blankness. To hide the fact that his vitality was all gone.
There were four certain people in this world that Jack was making sure would never know the darkness within him. In front of them, he'd kept the mask firmly secured, never letting it slip and painting over it with vibrant colours to mask his emptiness even more.
Two of the four were Ryan and Megan. Janet knew that the Colonel loved his children more than life itself and she knew he was always his old self around his kids, his only livelihood. Janet hoped they hadn't noticed what had become of their father. Ryan was too young to remember his father when he'd been truly happy and Megan hadn't been born so Janet assumed neither could see anything out of the ordinary as 'Jack and the Iron Mask' was not a horror story to them. It was their life.
The other two were her children. Cassie knew and had, in fact, discussed it in a tearful conversation with both her and Daniel before. Cassie took Jack's barrenness the worst out of everyone. She had guessed it was something to do with Cassie's alien abilities. Cassie had told her that the minute she had looked into the Colonel's eyes after the funeral she had known she had lost more than one friend.
Jack's performance was even more forced before Cassie now. He obviously sensed something, sensed that Cassie knew. Janet had pretended not to notice that he avoided meeting the young woman's eyes and if he did, he flinched.
As for Jonathon, named after his godfather, he was still a baby, well at least to Janet! Janet felt slight happiness at her memories. Jonathon forced the best out of Jack O'Neill. After all, he'd obviously inherited Daniel's stubbornness when it came to getting Jack to see his point of view and her determination to get Jack to do what she told him!
When situations were tense you could always count on Little Jonathon to come in and practically order his godfather to come and play with him. Jack would always grin at the boy and her son would take his hand and lead him from the room, missing the expressionless look on Jack's face when his back was turned.
Since that mission when SG-1 had all been dipped in the Fountain of Youth, Janet had become much closer to Jack than she had been before. Janet now considered the man her best friend, well after Sam anyway...
Janet nodded as she gave a small sniffle, shaking memories from her mind. She felt her anger rising as their current situation came straight back into her head in the wake of her thoughts. Suddenly she wished she had a million needles to stab into one 'certain' group of people, "I'm going to kill Kinsey for telling the Reporters about Ryan and Megan. If I ever see him again…"
The statement was left hanging as the woman let out a frustrated growl from her throat. Jack's face stayed impassive, as usual, though she could tell by the way his hands were clenched into white-knuckled fists that he was furious. Jack stood up and walked over beside her and lowered himself into the chair next to her, "The glass is half full," he muttered, the only optimism she thought she'd heard leave the Colonel's lips in all earnest in a long time. He spoke with emotion, "I'm just glad they don't know about Cassie and Jonathon yet."
"Yeah," the small doctor murmured equally glad. She really didn't want the Reporters to find about the offspring of a certain Archaeologist and CMO of a certain infamous covert operation under a certain mountain. She grumbled angrily, "God, the media can be such heartless bastards!"
He sighed softly and sadly murmured, "Daniel told me that… uh… Cassie is moving to Chulak."
Janet smiled slightly, her maternal feelings pricking the backs of her eyes, "Yeah. My little girl's going to get married to Teal'c's little boy."
Jack smiled, making Janet almost jump in shock, "It was meant to be!"
Janet gave a soft chuckle, appreciating the Colonel's comment as she had seen part of him in there somewhere for a split second before it was sucked back into the lifeless void. She spoke, "Since they met, just before… Sam died… they've been head over heels with each other."
Jack nodded although his mind still lingered on the name he rarely spoke anymore. It seemed his vocal chords just couldn't produce the right sound, as if they refused to say that name.
Janet placed a hand on his back as she murmured, "Me and Daniel were thinking of going to Chulak too."
"He told me," Jack replied sadly, eyes still firmly averted, "I honestly don't blame you."
"Earth is no longer the place for us. I mean Jonathon is four years old and should start kindergarten soon, but if anyone finds out… who he is…" Janet's voice trailed away.
Jack looked up from the floor at the woman who had become irreplaceable to him over the past years. She was always there to help him. Being a single father was the hardest thing Jack had ever had to go through. Janet, of course, had stepped straight in, even though she had enough worries with her own growing family, and had assumed an Aunt-like role. Helping him, comforting him, reassuring him, and supporting him whenever he needed guidance. Always there for him. Completely irreplaceable.
Silvery tears fell from her kind brown eyes as she held a hand to her forehead, her elbow resting on her knee. She let out a sob, "Why? Why is this happening? What did we do?"
Jack spoke anxiously, watching her sat beside him in her best suit and crying, "Janet?"
Jack felt fear. Janet was his strong rock, and if the truth was to be known he hadn't seen her cry since Sam's funeral. Now, she was sobbing and Jack realised that everything that had happened to them had finally caught up with her. Janet, the woman he'd grown to love like a sister, had broken. She never looked up at him as she usual would have done, but continued to sob into her hands in absolute misery. He tried to speak comfortingly, tried to comfort the sobbing doctor, "Everything's going to be OK. We'll make it through. We always do."
She shook her head as tears continued to fall in great rivers from her sad eyes. She looked up at him and Jack knew it was time for a role change. He needed to be a rock. Sat in the waiting room of a court was not exactly the best place for Jack to be feeling the coursing emotions that struck in as he looked at Janet, surprised she wasn't drowning in a salty lake of her depressed tears. He needed to be strong and it became increasingly difficult as Janet spoke her voice a tearful sob, "Oh Jack! What are we going to do?"
Jack felt the same kind of uncertainty about everything. The only thing he'd been certain about in a long time was this... and it wasn't going well. He'd been in this court room every day for what felt like years. His lawyer tried his hardest to get the point across that Jack's life was in shambles because of the goddamn media. Now the fact that Jack had kids was public knowledge, they had a slight advantage although Jack didn't know if it would be good enough...
He looked at the woman beside him crying her compassionate heart out and pulled her into a hug as he murmured slightly shocked, "I don't know, Janet..." He rubbed her back gently as she shuddered with heart broken sobs. It was time to say something strong. Something he would've said, back when he was strong. Not this pathetic weakling he was now.
Jack decided then, he was going to change. He was going to sort himself. Not for himself, but for everyone who'd had to put up with his 'Selfish Clam' act for all these years.
And so, Jack O'Neill spoke words he would never usual say. Words that caused him to think of the beautiful Major he'd fallen for all those years ago...
"...But we can beat this. We can and we will. I know we will."
~~~Å~~~
Cassie checked on the sleeping form of her little brother in his bed. She smiled fondly and removed his glasses placing them on the side before kissing his forehead and pulling a lock of his dark blonde fringe from his eyes. Cassie had never had a real brother or sister when she'd been living with her real mother, before Niriti... When Janet had announced she was pregnant, Cassie had been beyond overjoyed. Now, she finally had a little brother, Jonathon, and she loved him more than anything. She tucked him in tenderly before she moved to her bedroom and then crawled beneath her own covers, lying on her back and staring into the shadowy space between her and the ceiling.
A lot of things were playing on her mind and it didn't help that at night was when her 'psychic' abilities were at their strongest.
Mom only returned home minutes ago. Jack had dropped her home. It was obvious her mother had been crying, crying badly. Her eyes were red-rimmed and bloodshot, her skin pale and her whole body was shaking like a leaf. That alone made Cassie realise that the appeal to stop that ghastly film from being made had obviously not gone in their favour.
The thing that had really shocked Cassie was Jack. When she'd looked at him, he'd met her gaze. And then he murmured, 'Hey Cassie. It's been a while.'
In fact, he'd only seen her that morning, but the look in her eyes made her gasp with happiness as tears rose in her eyes and she flung her arms around the man's neck as she had when she was a little girl. It had been a long time, but Jack O'Neill was back. Cassie was almost positive of it.
He swung her around slightly as he mumbled shell-shocked, 'Cassie, I'm me. I'm me. I'm me again.'
Cassie had pulled back and had seen a smile. He'd pulled a tissue from his pocket and she continued to cry happily. Daniel had re-entered after settling his wife in the living room and was watching them confused.
He looked at them as Jack smiled and murmured, 'I'm back!'
The man's jaw had dropped and he let out a shocked laugh as he pulled Jack into a manly hug. He'd pulled back still gawping like a fish, 'What? Why? How?'
'Whoa. Too many questions!'' Jack had said in his... voice. The voice Cassie had missed more than she'd ever realised. He spoke seriously, 'I realised that for the past 5 years I've used everyone as support... and no, Danny. 'Used' is not too strong a word. It's precisely what I've been doing,' Jack said stopping her Dad from protesting, 'Anyway, I realised when Janet started crying that I couldn't burden... yes, Danny, burden... you guys with all my problems any more. So, I'm back and I'll be damned if I lose control ever again.'
Her adopted father placed a hand on Jack's arm supportively, 'Friends are supposed to help each other with their problems. You even think of handling this alone and I will be the one to bang your head against the wall!'
Jack had smiled again and Cassie quite possibly felt herself melt before the smile. Not in the lovey dovey way teenage girls melted when they saw male pop icons! She DEFINITELY did not have a crush on Jack O'Neill! He was old enough to be her dad! But when he smiled, it felt as if a tremendous weight that she hadn't even been aware she'd been carrying was suddenly lifted.
He spoke gently, 'Where are my kids?'
Cassie had lead Jack upstairs to Megan and Ryan's room.
That was where another troubling thought played on Cassie's mind as she lay in her bed staring into the darkness. The image of Megan peeking out from beneath her 'magic' blanket as the small girl had murmured sadly 'Which one?'
The thing was Ryan and Megan had many homes. Jack had managed to hide them for 5 years which was nothing short of a miracle. Jack had never moved house, although it was now much more fortified for his own protection. Truth was, Megan and Ryan had permanent rooms at Jack's house, the SGC, General Hammond's house, Teal'c's house (Teal'c had been giving Sam's bungalow after she'd moved in with Jack) and Jack's ex-wife Sara's house (she had insisted that she gave the children a place to hide, even though Jack had told her they had enough hiding places).
To top it all off, the spare room of their house had also been converted into a permanent bedroom for the children 5 years ago and remained well used.
Megan and Ryan had over 30 different 'homes', many belonging to SGC personnel, who had realised the Colonel's dilemma, as many were facing similar, although not as serious, problems, and had all supplied their houses as places for the two children to stay. Everyone from Hammond's Secretary to the Commissary staff to Sgt. Siler, had provided somewhere for the two children to hide out when the Reporters were on their tails.
Up until now the Reporters hadn't known they were the children of quite possibly the most famous husband and wife ever. Almost everyone had known that there were two children, a girl and a boy, but no names had ever been heard and the children had not needed to have many aliases just one each, just in case. They'd gone to school and after schools clubs like normal children, although they had abnormal sleeping arrangements.
Cassie sighed as she remembered the look of love in the man's eyes as he'd gently shaken his eight-year-old son from sleep. The boy had stood up rubbing his eyes, practically sleep walking as he'd grumbled, 'Have the Reporters found us?'
'No,' as Jack had spoken the boy's eyes had shot open and a thrilled grin had appeared on his face. He'd literally thrown himself into his father's arms as Jack had murmured with a true smile, 'I'm taking you home.'
The boy pulled back, a look of utter joy and wonder on his face, and his father nodded to their bags and stuff as he murmured, 'Grab the bags.'
Jack had then moved to the tiny five-year-old girl lying in Ryan's bed. She'd obviously crawled into bed with her brother. The strange thing about the children was they seldom argued! They obviously knew that their life required them to stick together completely and so they had. Megan adored her older brother. She followed him everywhere and was always quiet and subdued when he went somewhere without her. The funny thing was he rarely did. He always let her come and unlike most boys his age insisted she was part of whatever he and his friends were doing.
Jack, obviously deciding not to wake the young girl, looped his arms around her small frame, hoisting her from the bed and into his arms. Her small legs clung around his body, her arms curling around his neck naturally and Jack smiled softly as he kissed her head gently.
The little girl had snuggled closer and mumbled into his shoulder, 'Daddy...'
Cassie helped Ryan carry his and Megan's bags downstairs putting them into Jack's truck as Ryan climbed into the backseat. Jack detached Megan from her position clinging to him. She frowned slightly and let out a small whimper. She was still fast asleep. Jack had released a sad sigh and murmured, 'No, Daddy's not leaving anymore. I promise.' He placed the girl beside her brother who cuddled her close as Jack pulled a quilt over them and then closed the door and jumped into the front.
He'd smiled at Cassie as she stood beside his truck. He looked at her with utter gratefulness as he murmured, 'Thank you. For everything. Thank Daniel and Janet for me as well, would you, Cass?'
The young woman had nodded and murmured, 'Sure Jack.'
He looked concerned as he murmured, 'If your Mom needs help... I'm only a phone call away.' He cleared his throat, 'And tell her I love her a lot. She's been... I don't know what I would've done without her.'
Cassie had nodded seriously, 'I'll tell her.'
Jack had given her a look she couldn't quite understand as he closed the door giving her his trade mark casual salute as he started the truck and drove off.
The final thing plaguing her mind was this new piece of information she'd acquired from Megan this morning. They wanted to make a movie about Sam's life. She wondered how long Jack had known about this, how long ago it was since Hollywood had made the proposition. There was no doubt in her mind that Jack would fight it from being made with everything he had.
She also wondered why her mom had been crying earlier. Jack had assured her, without words that it wasn't that the case was going badly. The only reason Cassie could think of was that her mother had had a sort of breakdown. Life was being extremely harsh on them, but now, Cassie hoped, things were going to start getting better. Jack was slowly recovering, the children would no longer need to stay in different homes and they were going to win the case.
Cassie sighed softly as she finally closed her eyes and felt a tranquillity come over her, her tiredness finally catching up with her.
Everything was going to be OK now.
At least she hoped it would...
~~~Å~~~
Rolling around in bed for over three hours wasn't tiring. Jack had hoped that if he did it long enough he might be tired enough to fall asleep, but he'd had no such luck, as usual.
He glanced at the bedside clock, its red numbers the only light in the room.
1:06am.
"Great!" Jack grumbled to himself with a frustrated sigh. Sleep just wasn't going to come tonight. It only came when he was too exhausted to keep his eyelids open anymore and that happened every few days.
He climbed out of the small single bed and padded over to his dresser, silently removing a pair of sweatpants from the top drawer. He pulled them on over his boxers and grabbed a t-shirt to pull over that. It slipped over him with complete ease and Jack realised his eating habits, i.e. barely anything all day, were not doing his body any good. Something he'd have to change if he wanted to get back to normal... Well, back to how he'd been before... before everything...
No. Jack could never be like that again. He could try and maybe he might just get back to the stage when he'd finally stopped mourning Charlie. But at that point of time he'd had her to numb some of the pain and to let him dream of a future, a future that he'd been blessed to have, however brief some of it had been.
He wandered out of his bedroom moving slowly to the kids' room and glancing inside. Megan lay in her bed fast asleep, her long blonde hair ruffled and messy, snoring softly, her pale face looking innocent and beautiful in slumber. Jack's eyes moved to the bed at the other side of the room. Ryan, as usual, was hanging in a kamikaze position, his duvet in a crumpled heap at the end of his bed where he'd kicked it.
Jack tiptoed inside gently lifting his son back onto the mattress properly and pulling the duvet over him. He smiled softly at the fair haired boy, placing a soft kiss on his forehead. He watched his little boy sleep for a moment before crossing the room to the other bed. He knelt down and kissed his little girl's forehead too, noticing Teddy lying on the floor, her arm stretching out towards him. Jack tenderly lifted the old greying Teddy from the floor and placed him in his tiny daughter's arms as they wrapped around the teddy bear instinctively. Jack sighed and stood again, before making his way out of the room.
He slowly crept downstairs to do something constructive with his time. He wandered into the kitchen and pulled out a box of Froot Loops and a bowl. He poured the sugary cereal into the bowl as the small hoops chinked softly against the porcelain. Jack opened the fridge, its golden light spreading across the kitchen floor, and pulled out the milk carton, opening the cap and splashing the white liquid over the Froot Loops. He replaced the lid and put the carton back in the refrigerator, before opening the cutlery drawer and digging out a spoon.
Jack decided the only way to get back to a healthy physique was to try and eat. He dunked the spoon into the cereal and scooped out a multi-coloured spoonful with a sigh. He really wasn't hungry. Even Froot Loops no longer held appeal to him...
Nothing did these days. Food, drink, TV, his Playstation... God, even the Simpsons. And going to the cabin. And watching Hockey... Nothing. It was as if Jack O'Neill was gone. He didn't even miss the SGC anymore. What had happened to him?
"Loss, O'Neill," he muttered to himself as he closed his eyes, "Loss, after loss, after loss... That's what happened to you."
Every one of the things that had made him 'him' now reminded him of... her. That was why they had no appeal to him. That was why he was nothing but a shadow of Jack O'Neill.
He turned on the radio, which was playing some slow soft tunes for those awake at 1am! Jack slumped into one of the kitchen chairs, his cheek resting on the palm of his left hand, elbow on the table, and continued to play with the cereal never eating a mouthful, just dunking in the spoon and tilting it to the side until the slightly-soggy hoops plopped back into the bowl.
He sighed sadly, pushing the bowl away from him as his eyes glanced around the kitchen. No one would've guessed it was the kitchen of Colonel Jack O'Neill aside from the picture of him and the gang held to the fridge door by a purple dog magnet Ryan had made in 1st grade. She wasn't in that picture. She wasn't in any of the pictures, Jack kept in sight...
The kitchen was clean and strangely organised. Everything had a place and Jack had only just resisted the urge to stick labels on every drawer and cupboard. He'd wanted to in one of those sleepless nights. He always had loads of chores to do and if he didn't he ended up alphabetising something or other. He'd already alphabetised both the large and small bookcases in the Living room and he'd ordered all the CDs, Playstation Games and videos, not to mention ordered his entire 'Simpsons' video collection in episode order.
Jack got up taking his bowl of utterly soggy cereal with him, somehow forcing himself to eat a spoonful before deciding he really wasn't hungry, and leaving it on the kitchen side.
On the radio, the man's voice caught his attention, "... third version of the song written by Elton John for Marilyn Monroe..." Jack's body seized. He couldn't listen to this. He went to turn the radio off, but he stopped dead half-way across the kitchen as the tune and words began to flow across the room...
Goodbye Golden Girl,
Risking your life to give us hope
When there was only evil
And alone you had to cope.
You lived a secret life
Unable to share your brave heart
Tell the world what you'd done for them
From ending back to start.
And it seems to me that you lived your life
Like a Candle in the Wind.
Your flame was fading
Though you struggled to stay lit.
Now we all wish you'd lived
To see your daughter crawl
But your candle burned out long before
You were a legend at all.
A feeling Jack hadn't felt in a long time seized him. Pity. He pitied himself. Jack grimaced at the emotion. Even when things were absolutely terrible he never felt self-pity, but things must be pretty bad for him to feel it. Things were almost unbearable without... without her...
Jack thumped his fist on the cold, kitchen surface, feeling like he wanted to thump it and thump it until he had no more energy left. What a Bastard! He couldn't even call her by her name. Since when had he been stepped into self-pity so deep that he was drowning and there was no way out? He couldn't even say her name...
You sacrificed it all
For those who loved you most
For the man who saw you
When to the world you were a ghost.
And even though we try
To show you our requited love
Our words seem empty
And they never seem enough.
And it seems to me that you lived your life
Like a Candle in the Wind.
Your flame was fading
Though you struggled to stay lit.
We all know we owe you
For a debt we can't repay
But we try to show we care for you
Every single day.
Goodbye Golden Girl
Mother, Sister, Child and Wife
You were some people's everything
Through times of trial and strife.
Goodbye Golden Girl
Both intelligent and kind
Now your sweet smile's gone
But never your beautiful mind.
And it seems to me that you lived your life
Like a Candle in the Wind.
Your flame was fading
Though you struggled to stay lit.
Now we all wish you'd lived
To see your daughter crawl
But your candle burned out long before
You were a legend at all...
Jack stared at the radio as the radio guy spoke softly, "Voted best song by the viewers this year leading up to the anniversary of Samantha O'Neill's death. One, I know, that always brings a tear to my eye and sure to most of you guys as well. Elton John with 'Candle in the Wind' and now..."
Jack's hand slammed down on the radio, the noise from it ceasing immediately as his jaw gritted the words from the song still revolving around his head. It had been made only a few weeks after she died, after the SGC was exposed and for five years he'd done everything in his power to avoid listening to it and suddenly, he'd been stood an inch from the radio, unable to move the words ensnaring him and trapping him, his heart aching and stinging bitterly. Then suddenly he felt empty. Tired and empty. And even though he had sworn to himself never to listen to it he found himself frozen, his hand hovering a foot away from the device.
He missed her. That went without saying, and quite often it literally did. Many a time he'd sat in silence just thinking of nothing in particular. He could've been anywhere in the country, anywhere in Colorado, anywhere in his house... and suddenly he'd see her ghost in the corner of his eye. He'd look up, but every time there would be an empty room.
An empty man. Jack was an empty man and that hurt so much his breath was literally tortured out of him. Every time he took a breath somewhere in his mind he'd be begging for it to be his last. Some part of his mind, however small, wanted this to be over... He wanted the pain to go, which was impossible. Pain like this didn't just disappear. It could be blocked, but how was he supposed to block it out? It was too strong for even him...
As if he'd gone into Auto pilot, Jack's feet led him out of the room and up the dark stairs in silence towards the door at the end of the hallway. He opened it, the door creaking slightly as the old, dusty staircase was revealed.
He began to climb the stairs, his training allowing him to creep up them without a squeak, before entering the attic. He felt around in the dark near the wall till he found the dusty light switch. He flicked into on and the near-dead light bulb glowed pale yellow, the excessive dust brought up just by him stepping up there, filling the old air with golden sparkles as the dust motes reflected in the light, twirling and pirouetting slowly.
He moved forward to the cardboard boxes surrounding him, wiping dust from the label and a small smile came to his lips before he began moving the boxes out of the attic to the landing before returning to get more.
It was time to stop forgetting. It was time to stop ignoring. It was time to remember...
~~~Å~~~
Ryan opened his eyes and found a pair of huge, blue eyes centimetres from his face. He let out a small cry and jumped, consequently falling out of bed with a thump. As he lay sprawled on the bedroom floor, staring at the ceiling, a small face looked over him tilting to one side so her face was aligned with his from her position towering over him. He let out a small sigh, "Megan! Don't do that! You scared me silly!"
"I'm sorry, Ryan," her blue eyes widened slightly and she looked genuinely sorry.
He spoke with a small smile, "S'okay. Why were you doing that?"
She clutched Teddy closer to her as she murmured, "The TV's on downstairs."
Ryan frowned, "Megs?"
"Daddy's not in his room and I don't wanna go down there on my own."
Ryan smiled pushing himself up and off the floor. He looked at his little sister clutching dear old Teddy in her arms. Her nightdress, or more precisely one of Dad's old t-shirts, hung around her ankles and covered almost all of her forearms.
Ryan sighed as his eyes fell on the clock and he frowned. It had just gone 5am. He peeked out the curtain. The sun had only just begun to rise. No wonder he was tired! Megan always woke up really early, but she usually let him sleep.
He turned back to his little sister who was now sucking her index finger. She always did that. He had no idea why. Most kids sucked their thumbs, but when Megan was scared or sad she always sucked her left index finger.
Ryan held out his hand, knowing he was going to be so tired at school today, but his little sister was scared and he had to make her feel better. That was Ryan's job and he dutifully did it. He knew that due to the fact he and Megan were always hiding there were days when they couldn't even see their Dad. Ryan also knew that something was wrong with his father. Ryan played dumb, acted as though he was oblivious to it, but he wasn't. How could he be when he could sense something was very wrong, like a dog can smell fear?
Ryan, like most children, didn't remember much about his childhood, but there were two memories that stuck out for some reason. The first was of him snuggling close to a warm comforting body. His mother. He remembered her soft voice as she sung 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star' and he remembered how she smelt like vanilla and he remembered the feeling as her lips touched his forehead... then he remembered her disappearing and lying on his own for a few seconds before suddenly she was back. He remembered snuggling close to her and dozing off again... That was the only memory Ryan had of his mother and, with a stubbornness he'd been told by Uncle Daniel was a common O'Neill trait, he held onto that memory with all his heart.
The second memory stuck firmly in Ryan's head because it was the first time he realised he had to grow up. It was the first time he realised he had a little sister who he had to love and protect. It was the first time he realised he didn't have a mother and it was the first time he realised his Dad needed him. Needed him to be strong, needed him to be a big boy, needed him to look after Megs, but most importantly needed him to be there for him.
Ryan remembered waking up in the middle of the night to the sound of Megan wailing. She'd been about 1½ and was sleeping in Dad's room. When the crying didn't stop, Ryan had scrambled from his bed and wandered across the room to his father's bedroom.
His Dad had been sat there in the old rocking chair by the crib, rocking the little girl, trying as hard as he could to calm the wailing baby down. He'd then noticed tears. His Dad was crying. Ryan had known, even at that young age, that his father hated showing weakness above everything else. But his Dad was crying, nearly sobbing.
He remembered how he'd mumbled desperately, 'Shh. Shh. Please Megan. Don't cry. Please don't cry, Baby.' He'd been rocking her gently and had moved to the crib winding up the star and moon mobile as it began to play 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star'. And his Dad had began singing softly and the baby stopped crying, dozing back off to sleep.
Ryan remembered his Dad seeing him then and had beckoned him inside. Ryan had climbed into his Dad's arms and he'd snuggled in close with the small baby as his Dad had kissed him on the head and whispered in a weak and tearful voice, 'I love you, Ryan...'
Megan stepped forward taking his hand and walking slightly behind him as they left the bedroom and began walking to the stairs. Ryan could hear it now. The TV was on and he could faintly hear the show, although he had no way of identifying it.
Megan stepped closer to him, pressed into his back. He automatically led her down the stairs, keeping her behind him the whole time. The TV became louder and Ryan felt Megan poke his leg. He turned to see she'd snagged his baseball bat and was holding it out to him. He took it and held it in both hands ready to swing as Megan's small hands clung to the rim of his shorts and then moved to the hem of his shirt, as she peered out from behind him. The second he stepped into the living room he dropped the bat. Megan slowly came out from behind him frowning confused as she walked forward cautiously. Ryan followed and watched as his tiny sister went and sat on their Dad's lap without a word.
Ryan moved, sitting close to his Dad as the man wrapped an arm around his shoulder, though Ryan didn't notice. He was transfixed by the images dancing on the television screen...
~~~Å~~~
"Jack! JACK! NO NO NO! STOP IT!"
Bubbling laughter could be heard in the background as the camera filmed Jack tickling the beautiful woman with short blonde hair and big blue eyes. She was squealing with laughter as Teal'c stepped into the shot, lifting Jack up by the collar and carrying him a few inches from the floor dropping him in the armchair away from the couch with the still hysterically laughing woman on it. The camera followed the two men as Teal'c spoke, "O'Neill, I believe torturing your wife will not lead her to take back her previous comment. Indeed, I believe the past is unchangeable."
Jack just laughed harder as he said, "Teal'c, I wasn't torturing her."
"I think tickling me to death counts as torture," the camera turned back to Sam who was now standing with a small baby Ryan in her arms as she walked over to join them. She pointed to Jack and looked at Teal'c, "Sick him, T!"
Within seconds the Jaffa had Jack in a headlock and the camera was hurriedly given to someone else as Daniel came onto the screen joining Teal'c in tickling him mercilessly. Jack was crying with laughter, "STOP! PLEASE! TEAL'C! DANIEL! SAM! CALL 'EM OFF! PLEASE!"
Teal'c stopped after a few more seconds of torture, the equivalent of a Jaffa smirk on his usually stoic face, "I believe you owe Samantha O'Neill an apology."
Jack gasped in air getting his breath back for a few seconds before he grinned at the camera before, throwing himself at wife's feet theatrically, "Oh, Angel, Sugar, Honey, Princess, Sweetheart, Darling, Love of my Life..."
She hid her smile faking, a look of annoyance as she jiggled the baby in her arms, "Yes, Dear?"
He stared up at her imploringly, "Oh most beautiful wife, forgive me! I was acting in self-defence against a most unjust insult..."
She laughed out loud, sitting on the couch, "I called you 'cute'!"
"What I'm trying to say is... I love you and I will never 'torture' you again," the camera caught Jack's fingers crossed behind his back.
Sam spoke, "Yeah... well, you better not!" She looked at Daniel, a mischievous glint in her deep blue eyes, "Take Ryan for a second, will you?"
Daniel frowned in confusion, but took the small baby staring at him and making embarrassing 'baby' noises, talking in that stupid high-pitched voice that people who are talking to babies always put on.
Sam grinned at Jack playfully and within a second, she'd thrown herself on top of him and was kissing him passionately, both of them lying sprawled on the floor.
"It's like you two can't keep your hands off each other for more than five minutes! Honestly! Get a room!" Janet's voice spoke with an irritated sigh from behind the camera, although she zoomed the shot in to the couple's faces never-the-less!
Everyone laughed loudly except Jack who just stared up into his wife's eyes. And smiled.
~~~Å~~~
Jack paused the tape, the last image of him staring into Sam's eyes lovingly still on the screen. Her beautiful blue eyes that almost filled the screen. How in God's name had he forgotten them! Forgotten that impenetrable blue that was so deep that he could stare into her eyes and keep falling and falling forever, and he'd never stop. Never.
His eyes remained transfixed and a small voice from his shoulder spoke, "That was Mom."
"Yeah," Jack breathed in reply. Why was his voice so thick and croaky all of a sudden? Jack O'Neill was a master at suppressing emotions. Why couldn't he do it now? Why did he have to feel so lost all of a sudden?
His son shifted at his side, "And me. How old was I?"
"It was your first birthday."
A head popped up in front of the screen, with equally blue eyes and messy blonde hair. Jack didn't realise until that moment that Megan could quite easily have been a reincarnation of his beautiful wife. She spoke in her innocent tone, her eyes wide, as she cocked her head to the side in an expression that reminded Jack of a puppy, "Daddy?"
His eyes finally focussed on the beautiful girl sat on his lap staring into his eyes. No, he wasn't lost. Just temporarily misplaced. He smiled ruffling her hair, "Yes, Sweetie?"
The child spoke with a small frown, "You never laugh like that."
Jack shook his head slightly, as he sighed sadly, "No. No, I don't."
Ryan hugged closer to him for a second and spoke in a wistful whisper, "I don't remember her. Not really."
Jack stood up slowly, holding Megan as her legs clung around him. Ryan stood up beside him. He led them into the kitchen, as he sat Megan at the table and Ryan slid onto the chair next to her.
Jack spoke, busying himself with getting them some breakfast, "She died when you were only 3. You won't remember much about her."
Ryan spoke quietly, although loud enough for his father to hear him, "She used to smell like vanilla and she used to sing 'Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star'."
Jack spun around shocked, the bowl clattering to the floor as it slipped from his fingers in surprise. Luckily, it had been Megan's plastic Simpsons bowl and it hadn't broken. Jack shook off his shock and bent down picking up the bowl and continuing in the normal routine, "Yes."
Megan spoke with a tiny frown creasing between her eyebrows, the miniature version of the frown... her mom used to wear, "Daddy? What was Mommy's real name? Melanie said that her Mommy's real name is Charlotte and I didn't know that mommies and daddies had other names."
Jack snorted slightly at the child's ignorance before he realised he had to answer her question. His hands started to tremble and he spilt cereal all over the work surface. He cursed under his breath, when he felt a hand touch his arm.
He turned to look at Ryan as the boy spoke quietly, "I'll do it, Dad."
Jack shook his head, "It's OK. I can manage."
Ryan looked at his sister, a look of authority in his brown eyes, "Megs, it's 6am. Barney is on! Go put on the TV. I'll be there in sec, OK?"
Megan looked worried and stood up slowly before moving into the living room. It was a few seconds later that that obnoxious purple dinosaur began singing that ghastly song, "I love you, You love me..."
'God, they have no clue! Love!?! Yeah, whatever! They have no idea about Love!' Jack pulled a hand through his greying hair, releasing the unexpected wave of anger. And all at some stupid kids show, 'What is wrong with me? I'm so cynical! I'm a bitter old man!'
Ryan continued to stare at him meaningfully with his dark eyes, "Dad, do you want me to call Aunty Janet?"
"No, I'm fine," Jack said dismissing his eight–year-old's concern
Ryan shook his head, refusing to let his father fool him, "You look sick."
Jack snorted as he spoke comfortingly, "Honestly, Kiddo. Don't worry."
Ryan watched him suspiciously for a few seconds as Jack cleared up the spilled cereal and successfully filled the bowls with Froot Loops and milk. He passed Ryan his bowl and a spoon as he walked into the living room carrying Megan's own bowl.
The tiny girl sat in the armchair, looking so small that she could've fallen down between the cushion and the arm. Her feet dangled in midair and that shirt he'd given her to wear in bed engulfed her small frame. He smiled softly, placing her bowl on the coffee table for a second. He lifted her up and sat her on his knee, passing her her bowl.
She grinned and snuggled into his arms. He smiled back holding his little girl close. She looked at him, eating a spoonful of Froot Loops before she spoke hesitantly, "Daddy, can we watch Mommy again?"
Jack looked at his daughter surprised. He should've seen it coming. The poor kid had never even seen her Mom. She would naturally be curious. He could be expecting months of questions in the future. And he promised Megan silently he'd try and answer them all. He really would try.
He smiled slightly, "Sure." He turned to Ryan, "You can't go to school today anyway thanks to those stupid Reporters, so... sure. Ryan, take a tape out of that box and put it in the machine."
Ryan spoke cautiously, "You sure, Dad?"
Jack smiled fondly. That was his Ryan. Jack knew how desperately Ryan wanted to watch his Mother again. He could tell by the look in his eyes when he'd been watching the 'torture' session from his 1st birthday. But however much Ryan had wanted to watch it, the first thing he'd asked was if it was OK with him. Ryan, having inherited his Mom's brains and unimaginable compassion, obviously realised how much watching that tape had affected him.
Jack nodded, "We should've watched them ages ago. Now put it on."
Ryan nodded, ran over to the cardboard box. He closed his eyes and delved his hand into the box pulling out a tape. He ran to the VCR pushing the cassette in as the next camera footage began to play and Jack's eyes fell on the beautiful face of the woman he loved for the first time in what felt like forever.
~~~Å~~~
"Dad? Dad!"
Jack felt an insistent tugging on his shoulder and heard the hissing in his ear. He rolled over and began to open his eyes, "OK! I'm up. I'm up."
When his eyes finally opened he saw Ryan stood in front of him looking scared out of his wits as he anxiously tugged on the hem of his pyjama top. Jack suddenly felt wide awake, "Ryan?"
"Something's wrong with Megan..."
No sooner had the words left his son's mouth that Jack was throwing himself out of bed and rushing out of the room. He ran into the kids' bedroom and saw Megan sat in the corner of the room eyes wide, crying and shaking and looking around the room as though replicators were crawling down the walls towards her.
Jack knew his small daughter, despite her obvious intelligence, still believed in monsters under the bed and although her fear of them was great, she wouldn't be that scared, especially with Ryan in the room.
He walked towards her a few paces before the girl cried out, "What's going on? Where am I?"
A strange panic rose in Jack's throat at his daughter's strange tone and he muttered to Ryan, "Call Auntie Janet. Now. Call everyone."
Ryan did what he was told without a sound, running downstairs, knowing without a doubt that this was another strange occurrence in his lifetime that could not be explained. Jack walked closer as Megan began screaming, "LEAVE ME ALONE! DON'T COME ANY CLOSER!"
Jack spoke softly, "Sweetheart. It's me. It's OK."
The girl's eyes widened, "Who are you? Why have you taken me? Where am I?"
Jack finally reached her. He collapsed to the floor hurriedly, desperate to find out what was wrong with his little girl. He stared at her worried, "I'm here, Baby. It's OK. It's just a nightma..."
As he hesitantly reached towards her she went berserk, "They don't know where I am! They don't know where I am! That's why you took me! They won't be able to rescue me!" She began to cry hysterically, her voice shrieking in the usual stillness of the night, "They think I'm dead! They won't come for me!" She looked absolutely terrified, "They can't rescue me..." Her face suddenly contorted with anger and hatred, "I won't tell you anything! I won't betray them!"
Ryan coming back upstairs made Jack jump. He walked over to his son, "Ryan? What happened?"
Ryan spoke scared as he stared at the tiny bundle of 5 year old and nightdress in the corner, "She was tossing and turning in her sleep. I woke her up. I think she was having a nightmare. She kept whining and calling out..."
"What was she saying?"
"She said my name a few times. She called for Uncle Daniel and Teal'c and Auntie Janet. Then she started calling for Jack."
Jack felt his heart stop and the blood rush from his face, "What?"
"Jack. Isn't that your real name?"
Jack spun back to the small girl huddled in the corner crying, ignoring his son's question. She was weeping softly and the tune that she sung in an attempt to calm herself was unmistakable:
"Twinkle, Twinkle little star,
How I wonder what you are?
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky.
Twinkle, Twinkle little star,
How I wonder what you are…?"
Jack crawled close to her and gently wrapped and arm around her. The child flinched and then her eyes met his for a second and she gasped. Tears began to spill faster from her horrified azure eyes as she just stared at him. After a few seconds, she whispered, "Jack? Is that you?" The fair haired child shook her head as if not believing her eyes that stared intently into his own in a strange expression. After a second, she began to speak loudly and desperately, gripping his t-shirt in her small fists, "It's me! It's me! Jack, it's me!"
"I know, Sweetheart," he pulled her closer and into his arms, cradling her in his lap, "Auntie Janet's on her way, OK?"
"Auntie Janet? What? Jack, I don't understand. Where am I? What's going on?"
He stared at her disbelieving as the child looked back at him, looking utterly confused. Then he saw something in the depths of her beautiful eyes that made him jump up, Megan falling ungracefully from his lap. He began to back away, shaking his head slowly as the doorbell rang frantically. Ryan looked between them for a second before speeding downstairs obviously thinking his family had totally lost it.
Jack just stared at the child in dismay, feeling himself trembling. Megan looked around again, "I won't tell you anything, Apophis! This isn't real! None of this is real!"
Jack continued to gawp as he whispered, "Megan, tell me what's wrong!"
She looked at him confused, a heart-broken expression on her face, "Jack, what are you talking about? Megan's dead." She let out a shuddery sigh of pain, "Where's Ryan? Why aren't I in the Hospital? Am I sick? Is that why Janet's coming? It's not Megan, is it? She's not still alive, is she? Please tell me it was a horrible dream, Jack!"
A gasp from the doorway told Jack the other's had arrived. He continued to back away hitting a wall. The small girl stood reaching towards him, tear streaming from her eyes before looking at her hands and body. She turned them over in front of her eyes, her face contorted with horror, "What's happened to me?" Once she spoke she gasped at the voice. She looked around and then her eyes fixed on Ryan stood clinging to the back of Jack's boxer shorts, "Ryan?"
The little boy spoke, "Yeah, Megs. I'm here."
She let out a sob of pain, shock and confusion before she whispered, "Oh my God!" She swayed on her feet, her eyelids fluttering closed, and collapsed to the bedroom floor.
Daniel and Janet ran to the small child as Janet spoke, "She's just fainted. Get her on the bed."
A strong hand fell on Jack's shoulder as Teal'c's voice rumbled, "O'Neill? Why do you fear Megan O'Neill? What is her ailment?"
Jack just gawped noiselessly for a few seconds, before Daniel spoke, "Why did she call you 'Jack'? What was she talking about?"
"She's not Megan," Jack murmured, his voice dry and hushed.
"What?" Daniel said looking at the tiny girl being tucked beneath her blankets.
Jack continued to stare at the child, before his eyes rose to Daniel's, "It's... her."
"Her?"
Jack just looked up at Daniel and whispered the name he hadn't spoken in 5 years, "It's... S... It's... S...am... Oh God, Daniel! It's... Sam..."
~~~Å~~~
"Jack?"
Jack didn't look at his friend. He continued to stare into space not focussing on any particular point. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. His Sam...
He gritted his jaw, refusing to cry. He'd done enough crying the past years over the death of his wife. Truth was, now he had no idea if she was alive or dead. He had no idea...
"Jack?" He felt Daniel's fingers land on his forearm and squeeze gently, "Jack, please talk to me."
Jack didn't reply or even acknowledge Daniel's comment. It was Sam. It had to be. He gritted his jaw tighter. He wasn't going to cry. He had no reason to cry. He should be happy. Problem was whatever had happened to Megan she wasn't the one speaking anymore.
"Dad?"
The voice of his son made Jack blink realising even with his jaw gritted that his eyes had begun to water. Slowly he glanced up at his son beside him. Ryan was crying as he whispered fearfully, "What's wrong with Megs? Is she going to die?"
Jack just opened his mouth, unable to reply. He had no idea how to function anymore. It was like his brain had just shut down. He shook his head slowly as Daniel's grip tightened on his forearm for a second, urging him to come back to them.
Ryan's tears fell faster from his dark eyes as the grip on Jack's arm dissipated and Daniel moved to the boy pulling him into his arms, hugging him close. Jack just watched knowing he should be the one comforting his son, but he couldn't. Hell, he was having trouble breathing and moving at all. He couldn't speak words of comfort if he couldn't speak full stop.
After a few seconds, Daniel stood and took Ryan from the room, Jack noticing as Janet stepped into the room although he never looked up at her. She spoke hesitantly, "Jack, I'm going to bring some equipment here, as I'm not sure if Megan can be moved." She waited for a second as if expecting him to agree or argue with her. When he didn't reply she let out a soft sigh, "We'll get to the bottom of this, Jack. Just hang on for me, OK?"
Her voice broke off for a second before she walked forward quickly, kneeling before his chair and staring up into his face with soulful brown eyes that showed all the pain she'd been through in the past years. Not a fresh pain, but a pain that had been decaying as every day went by, becoming stronger and more agonizing as every second passed.
He immediately dropped her gaze unwilling to look into her eyes any longer. Her face was like a mirror, reflecting how he felt, although it was slightly less potent. That expression made his jaw grit with as much force as he could muster, Jack surprised he hadn't broken any teeth yet.
Janet let out a small gasp as if she'd just be burned and clasped his face in her hands forcefully; making his eyes look into hers as she whispered, "Just hang on. Please. Hold on."
Jack screwed his eyes up fiercely although the tear managed to escape and then it happened. The mask broke. Jack's 'shell' shattered into pieces and all that was left was the vulnerable man underneath.
His voice was a sob as he murmured, "I don't think I can. Why is this happening?" He was suddenly shouting, "Haven't I already suffered enough! For Christ's sake, Sam's dead. She's DEAD! I SPENT 5 MONTHS BEFORE MEGAN WAS BORN, WATCHING HER GET SICKER AND SICKER KNOWING SHE WAS GOING TO DIE! I KNEW AND THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO! NOTHING THAT COULD CHANGE IT!"
He got up from the chair and began thrashing around the kitchen, smashing plates and glasses in a grief-stricken rage, "I HAD TO LIVE THROUGH EVERY DAY KNOWING I WAS GOING TO LOSE HER! I HAD TO KEEP BREATHING AND STAY STRONG EVEN WHEN SHE WAS IN THAT HOSPITAL BED! SHE WAS TERRIFIED OF DYING AND THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO! I COULDN'T TAKE IT AWAY, I COULDN'T HELP HER. ALL I COULD DO WAS SIT THERE AND WATCH AS SHE FADED AWAY! SHE... She... She just... faded, Janet... and... and... she wouldn't wake up. Janet, she wouldn't wake up. I called her name, but... She wouldn't wake up... She wouldn't wake up..."
Janet was crying as she stood up and edged towards him whispering, "Jack." She moved closer as Jack's sobbing became so hard that he no longer had the strength to break everything in sight. Her arms wrapped around him and slowly she helped lower him to the floor as he sobbed into her shoulder brokenly. She placed a sisterly kiss on his head as she cried into his hair, "We will get through this together. We are going to find out what's going on and everything's going to be alright. Together. But we can only do it together if you hold on. Don't slip away." Janet let out a shuddery sob before she murmured forcefully, "Sam loved you and she'd want you to get through this. Even if you took it one breath at a time, she'd want you to make it through. Stay strong for her, Jack. Please. Stay strong for Sam."
~~~Å~~~
Between sleep and awareness was where Sam had been for years, knowing nothing, feeling nothing, just being. All she had were the memories that had been going through her mind over and over. Memories of her life, her love, her 'death'...
It was between sleep and awareness that Sam had begun to realise that it hadn't been a nightmare, but had been very real. Everything she'd been through before being forced into this state of being, neither living nor dead, had been real.
Of course, her life with Jack and Ryan hadn't been a nightmare and neither had been getting so ill, although some would probably guess that had been the nightmare she'd been referring to. In fact, Sam had acknowledged whilst in that place of endlessness, she'd been ready to die. Not really happy about it, but not sad about it either, just ready.
She remembered so clearly her son snuggled close to her useless and feeble body as she sung to him. She remembered the way he drifted off to sleep and sucked his thumb, snoring gently. She remembered watching him and her husband sleeping and thinking she was ready to die. She'd never wanted to leave either of them, but now she'd never know if she would've or if the Powers That Be decided to reiterate SG-1's 'dumb-luck', allowing her to make a miraculous recovery.
But as she said, she never got the chance to find out.
During her time in between levels of consciousness Sam thought her many shoulda-woulda-couldas, always wondering if she would've lived to see her son grow up, although knowing she'd never find out if she would've died that night or in thousands of nights time when she was old lying in bed beside the man she loved and just drifting off into her last slumber.
All she knew was she'd been taken. Taken away from those she loved by an unexpected captor. She'd been in consciousness for only hours, her last memory of life being of hearing the plan that one day would mean she'd have to fight for the life of a tiny baby girl. The tiny baby girl she'd brought into the world only a few days earlier and who had never drawn her first breath. A baby girl who, at some time in the future would become, for use of a better term, her host...
Then Sam had been essentially downloaded from her body, which was irritatingly absent at the present time, and had been placed inside her baby daughter, who'd been brought back to life for just one purpose... well, two actually.
Firstly, so Sam had a new vessel for her consciousness and secondly, revenge. A way to break Jack O'Neill and Sam sensed it was working and he hadn't even discovered what had become of her real body in its 5, maybe 6, year absence. Yet something was telling her, she...
Sam felt it again. The strange hot sensation that seemed to tingle her nose like when she smelt smoke, telling her she was about to wake again. Now she'd be prepared for it. Now she wouldn't be too busy being terrified, shocked and disorientated to tell them what was going on.
She felt herself being pulled from that place again as she became aware of having a body, the feeling of a duvet covering her, the sensation of a nightdress against her skin... Slowly, she felt able to move and little by little, after a second of deliberation, she opened the eyes that were not her own and woke.
~~~Å~~~
The person who greeted Sam had not been the one she'd been expecting. She blinked and stared at the young woman in confusion.
"Sam?"
The hazel eyes were familiar and the face... It finally dawned on Sam...
"Cassie? Oh my God! Look at you!"
A grin split the beautiful young woman's face as she laughed gleefully, her eyes filling with tears, "It really is you. Dad was right!"
Sam moved her infant body so she was sat upright and Cassie through her arms around her tightly. Sam felt a tear of her own fall from her eyes, "You... Your... You're so old!"
Cassie laughed again, although a few tears lined the contours of her face with liquid as she pulled away, "It's been 5 years, Sam."
Sam nodded and stared down at the 5-year-old's cute palm and podgy fingers. She sighed softly, "I... I've missed so much..."
Cassie shivered slightly as she swept a runaway strand of light brown hair from her moistened cheeks, "When you died, something in all of us just... left, y'know? Jack didn't know what to do with himself any more..."
Another tear found its way from the eyes of her daughter as she thought of the almost horrified look on Jack's face when he'd realised she was in their baby girl's body. After a second she murmured, "I never died. I was abducted before I actually died. There was a plot to enact revenge on me, but Jack in particular. I... I was taken from my body and placed inside Megan..."
"How?" Cassie's voice showed her absolute confusion and disgust at the thought.
Sam spoke slowly, "Thor had no way of knowing, it was so perfectly planned... My consciousness was placed in the Asguard device... the one that brought Megan back to life. As it was doing so I was.... 'downloaded' into her..." Sam shuddered in revulsion at the horrific violation that had been enacted on her. After a second she continued, "I couldn't gain control of her body. Her mind was not developed enough... I wasn't expecting to resurface so soon, if at all. The way he put it, I thought Megan would have to be in her teens... only then could she have that high a capacity to allow me to surface..."
Cassie's eyebrows frowned as she murmured hesitantly, as if not wanting an answer, "Who's 'he'?"
"Cassie..." Sam whispered, in a voice that was not her own, "You have to tell everyone that... that Apophis has my body and that he is currently getting his revenge. On Jack in the worst way he possibly could..."
Cassie gasped in shock, "Apophis? How? What's his revenge?"
Sam's vision rose and met Cassie's frightened face as she said tears trailing her face, "Either he has to get by body back from Apophis, whatever that Snakehead has done with it, and find someway of getting me back in my own body... or..."
Her body shook as she broke down, her voice shaking, "Or Me and Megan will die and this time nothing will be able to bring us back."
~~~FINIS~~~
Story Notes: Sequel: To 'Vulnerability'! (Yes, I actually finished the sequel!!!)
Author's Notes: The sequel has arrived! Oh it took me a while, but its here! I have always loved 'Vulnerability' since I began writing it in yr7. Now I've finally completed the story and I can rest at night in the knowledge that the story that began in the days of my youth is now ready to be read by you guys!
Dedications: Hannah, I should stop praising you! But I can't! It's physically impossible! You are the greatest girly friend I could have and I will NEVER forget you. Love you, Hon. Also to all my friends and to all of you guys who have read my stuff. I'm glad to hear what you think. Thanks again.
Warnings: Sam/Jack (that's a warning for anyone who don't like that) also Daniel/Janet.
The waiting is over... Finding Strength!
Author's Notes: The sequel has arrived! Oh it took me a while, but its here! I have always loved 'Vulnerability' since I began writing it in yr7. Now I've finally completed the story and I can rest at night in the knowledge that the story that began in the days of my youth is now ready to be read by you guys!
Dedications: Hannah, I should stop praising you! But I can't! It's physically impossible! You are the greatest girly friend I could have and I will NEVER forget you. Love you, Hon. Also to all my friends and to all of you guys who have read my stuff. I'm glad to hear what you think. Thanks again.
Warnings: Sam/Jack (that's a warning for anyone who don't like that) also Daniel/Janet.
The waiting is over... Finding Strength!
End Notes: Yet more Author's Notes: Watch this Space! This will be continued soon! I'm glad I'm finally putting this on-line! Enjoy and if you have any comments, good or bad, please review this. Your opinion means more to me than any of my friends, (what can I say! They always lie!!) Thanks again for reading. Oh and I always wanted to say this... TO BE CONTINUED...!!!
Copyright (C) Sam I Am 2004
Copyright (C) Sam I Am 2004
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]