His name was O'Neill, Jack O'Neill with two l's - man of mystery, action and most importantly...romance.
For years he had served god and country like a true soldier should, putting his own needs and longings to one side and now...
Well now it was a different thing, a whole different story altogether.
Smiling brightly Jack leaned back in his chair while playing with a pen between his hands - yeah life was definitely good to him these days and he was enjoying every moment of it.
Taking a deep breath he glanced around the room with a faraway look in his eyes, only barely taking note of the happy family photo - a man, woman and two children - on his desk, a child's proud report card aligned next to a couple of official-looking diplomas on the wall, Bart Simpson riding a tricycle stationed in the corner of the room and the clear evidence of a child's crayon scribbling, with the word, "Dady," underneath, on a lonely piece of paper plastered against the room's wooden entrance.
Hearing a faint sound in the distance, suspiciously sounding like crying, Jack's body tensed slightly and he tilted his head to one side to listen attentively. When after a few seconds he could hear a familiar woman's voice cooing comfort words he smiled and relaxed once more.
Yes, life was beyond good to him. He was now able to say with confidence that he had everything he ever needed, wanted, and the only thing that remained was to document his happiness on paper for future generations.
After all he was...General Jack O'Neill.
Straightening himself, he pushed the chair a bit forward and quickly read through the last sentence he had typed out on the computer barely a few minutes ago, before continuing on.
FLIRTHING WITH YOUR 2IC IN TEN EASY WAYS
Number 1 -
Very important! No exceptions allowed...maybe...nah definitely not. Make sure your 2IC is a woman. The following people will definitely not fulfill the requirements:
A man -
The Government - Air Force - frowns heavily on a man and a woman within the same chain of command starting a fling, relationship, even looking at each other with longing eyes.
No imagine what in heavens name will they do if it happens to be two men!!!!
The only exception is if the man happens to be a civilian. A handsome archeologist with the most beautiful eyes and...cough, cough...never mind.
A Goa'ul -
There is just no humanly way that you can flirt with a pair of glowing eyes. I mean COME ON! Besides the fact that it will be totally freaky and weird, you will burst out laughing every time those eyes light up when you say, AMORE!
An Asgard -
Flirting with a pintsize gray alien is totally sick. Besides the changes are good that you can start an intergalactic war if trying to rub a foot along a gray, longish...hmm...well you get the picture.
A Jaffa -
There is just nothing worse than trying your best flirting lines on one of them and then getting the statement, "Indeed," as a reply.
Imagine trying to kiss one of them, then cutting your head open on their golden emblems as a result, followed by struggling feverishly not to drown in the flood of blood that will surely engulfed the both of your naked bodies and...
No...a Jaffa is definitely out - no arguments allowed.
Any woman of an alien kind - I will never tire of handing out this advise - Under no circumstances do you want to flirt with an alien woman since the chances are good that you will end up eating her cake and wake up the following day being ten, twenty, thirty...A HUNDRED...years older.
Number 2 -
Okay, now that the basics have been established.
The second important thing to remember is...
Clean underwear.
Always make sure to wear a clean pair of underwear each day. If not sure whether they are clean - smell them. Even taste them if necessary. Under no circumstances do you want to be caught off guard in a compromising situation, e.g. being tied together face to face, torture, being robed of belongings by strange hairy aliens (did I mention being tied together?) and some weird stuff, which I can't mention here in order to keep this memoir family friendly, with your 2IC only to realize at the last moment that your underwear has a strange, smelly, fishy smell (and taste) to it.
If you are still not sure as to what I am talking about just remember that white underwear equals white cleanness and under no circumstances includes any variation of brown.
Number 3 -
The look.
Flirting can not even be considered without having your own unique 'look'. You know what I'm talking about, don't you?
I am talking about the way you will stroll into her lab (I mean office!) and gave her a special, "for-your-eyes-only," look.
Such a look worked for me by adding an extra dose of wiggling eyebrows to it.
Trust me - it works.
Number 4 -
A good dose of witticism.
My own personal favorites which had worked for me time and time again in the past (and made MY 2IC smiled each time) were words like:
Oh for crying out loud.
Ya think.
D'uh.
Spank my...oops, never mind. Let's skip to number 5.
Number 5 -
Bullets. It is very, VERY, important to have good, working, bullets available at all times. If you don't catch what I am talking about...well then I guess you are still too young to appreciate my words of wisdom.
Number 6 -
The Simpsons will ensure the beginning of a good, stable and healthy relationship and that you'll always have a topic to discuss during the flirting season e.g. while running from super soldiers during a fierce battle, uttering girly screams along the way, you can mention casually, "Hi Carter, what ya think 'bout the fact that Bart ate his sister's homework last night?"
I promise you that any 2IC worth her womanly assets will appreciate this kind of conversation.
Number 7 -
Coffee...not!
Coffee is only acceptable if you are flirting with a handsome archeologist with the most beautiful eyes and...crap!
Sorry!
Once again I forgot we were talking about 2IC's here so just ignore my ranting.
Number 8 -
Urbs in the City - any version (including the yet to be released R- rated version).
There is nothing better to utilize in an attempt to make you sound like an expert regarding everything to do with flirting.
Will definitely recommend this to all people as a must before you can even considering looking longingly in the direction of your 2IC.
Number 9 -
Hate the number 9 digit - so let's skip to number 10, okay?
Number 10 -
The most important thing to remember is to always tell her the following:
I love you Samantha Carter. Marry me and become my barefoot, pregnant wife in the kitchen.
Chuckling softly under his breath, Jack shook his head and read through everything one last time before moving his finger slowly to the Delete key on his keyboard. Pressing the key he hold it down and watched the recently typed text disappear one letter at a time until the cursor came to a rest at what was actually supposed to be the last official sentence of his memoir.
"...and it is with great gratitude that I wish to dedicate this book to my loving wife of the past ten years, Samantha Carter, and my two wonderful kids, Jacob and Grace."
Story Notes: Author Notes: This is sorta a sequel to a story I wrote ages ago under the penname, NG. It was also called, "Ten easy ways..."
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]