samandjack.net

Story Notes: Email: acheek@home.com

Status: Complete

Season/Sequel info: Takes place during "Crystal Skull." Sequel to "No Safe Place."

Spoilers: A Hundred Days, Shades of Grey, Crystal Skull

Archive: SJA & Heliopolis. All others contact me for permission.

Author's Notes: This one's for MikeD, fearless leader & unapologetic S/J shipper. Feedback is good. Very precise, detailed feedback is even better. Copyright (c) 2000 A. Cheek


The sun shone so brightly that I squinted and raised a hand to shade my eyes as I stepped into the garden. It had been raining almost the entire month, and now the grass was bright and green, the roses scented the air, and the lettuce was ready for cutting.

"Dad!"

I smiled down at my son, who was growing so tall and strong. "What is it, Charlie?"

"Come look at the peppers I grew! There are five of them ready for picking, and you won't believe how big they are!"

I smiled and rubbed my hand across the top of his head as we walked across the lawn towards the vegetable bed.

"Try not to get your feet muddy," a good-natured voice scolded. "The carpet cleaners came while you were away."

I looked back to the shaded patio, where Samantha sat, working on her notes. "Sure thing, honey."

"Da!" my daughter shrieked happily. Grinning, she looked up from the pile of dirt and gravel where she was digging. She was outgrowing her clothes again, and I could see her belly button peeking out from the gap between her shirt and shorts. She triumphantly dropped a rock back onto the pile, and ran towards me on her sturdy little legs. "Da!"

"Hey there, sweetheart," I said softly, picking her up and holding her close. I ruffled her fine blonde curls and listened to her babble excitedly in toddler speech. "Are you having fun playing?" Her response was a sticky kiss on my cheek.

"Make sure that you're careful, Colonel O'Neill," General Hammond told me seriously. "There's naquadah in that soil. Don't let the little one hurt herself."

"Yes, sir. Charlie, I'm ready to see the peppers. Charlie?" I looked around the garden. "Sam, where'd Charlie go?"

She frowned at me, her blue eyes filled with pain. "He's gone, Jack. You were gone for so long. We missed you."

Appalled at her tears, I embraced her; our daughter, pressed between us, giggling happily. "I didn't mean to stay away."

"But Charlie's gone, Jack. He's not returning, you know. He wants to stay on Edora."

"What? What's going on there?"

"Jack, I wanted you to give me a child." Laira was buried up to her waist in the lavender. "If I can dig through to the surface, will you give me a child?"

Sam covered her eyes, sobbing. "You were gone for so long, Jack. I thought I would never see you again."

"I'm sorry, Major. I wanted to have a life. A family."

"And look!" she pointed. "There's naquadah all over the carpet! How will we protect ourselves when Sokar comes?" She shook her head despairingly, tears sliding down her cheeks. "I worked for three months and you didn't thank me."

"Sokar? He's dead, isn't he?" I was sure he was dead. We'd killed him, right?

My daughter squirmed in my arms, and slid down to the ground, as I stood there, immobilized by guilt. "NO!" she yelled, and hit my leg with her tiny fist.

Maybourne scowled at me from behind the rosebushes. "There's naquadah in the soil, Colonel. Take care."

"Now, honey, we don't hit, remember?" I looked around the dead garden. I was alone. "Remember?"




* * * *




"Remember?"

"Remember what, Colonel?"

I opened my eyes and looked up at the concerned face of Dr. Frasier. "Huh. I must have been dreaming, Doc. I bet one of your nurses slipped something funny into that I.V. that he jabbed in my arm."

"Quite possibly. My staff knows how hard it is to keep you in line. How are you feeling?" She smiled and grabbed a chart, ready to take more notes.

"Tired. Cold. Thirsty." I looked over at the next bed. "Has Carter woken up yet?"

"Once, but she fell asleep again pretty quickly. I'm glad to tell you that the radiation hasn't done any permanent damage, Colonel, and you don't appear to have suffered any broken bones from getting out of bed when I told you not to." Her eyes twinkled, and she grinned wickedly.

"Teal'c ratted me out, huh?" Figures. That Jaffa is putty around Carter and Frasier. He'd have told her whatever she wanted before she even knew she wanted the information.

"He informed me of your collapse because he was concerned for you, Colonel."

"Sure he did." I reached for the cup of water she held out to me, and drank. "So I can get up now, right? Is there any more news about Danny?"

She shook her head. "No news. I'd like you to rest for at least two more hours, Colonel, and then eat before you get up."

"Oh, for crying out loud, Doc! Can't I at least go to my quarters? They turn on the heat in there," I said pointedly.

"No, Colonel, you need to stay here where we can monitor you. But if you're good, and drink all your water, I'll send a nurse to tuck you in with another blanket," she said solemnly, hiding a smirk. "What bedtime story would you like?"

"Oh, let's see. How about the one where the evil doctor with her long needles and cold instruments is defeated by the strong, healthy SG-1 team?"

She gave up trying to keep a straight face and laughed at me. "I'm afraid I don't know that one, Colonel. Rest. The sooner you and Sam are well, the sooner we can find out what happened to Dr. Jackson."




* * * *




Carter was still sleeping, lying flat on her back. After a few minutes of watching her, I pulled the blankets up over my shoulder and lay down again, thinking about my dream.

I wonder, sometimes, about all these alternate realities we keep coming across -- the ones where she and I have a romantic relationship. We're married, or engaged. We're happy together. But it always winds up going to hell. It's enough to make a man wonder what kind of luck he has, when in every other alternate reality he knows about, he gets killed.

But for the other ones of me, before the Goa'uld and death, there's always Samantha Carter. And I can envy them that, because it's not possible here. I'm not one for blindly following all the regs, but I do know that getting involved with my second in command would result in a court martial. I won't do that to her. It's like a bunch of Jack O'Neills got together, drew straws for love, and I got the short one.

I still miss Laira, even knowing that she didn't tell me about the voices on the radio right away. Daniel was right, I can't give up my responsibilities here. The last messages we received from Edora had a note from her. We didn't make a child. Sometimes at night, I wonder if missing her is because part of me loved her, or if I'm still reaching for the family that I lost when Charlie died and Sara left me. That pain is with me every day, that I had a son and he didn't outlive me. That isn't supposed to happen. Sara once told me after the divorce, that she'd come to terms with Charlie's death by being thankful that she had him for as long as he lived; that it was better than never having loved him at all.

I try to think that way, and it doesn't work for me. I close my eyes, and see him lying so still, like he was sleeping, except for the gun in his hand and the bloody wound that told me it was my fault.

I also wonder if there are realities where everything is okay. Where the Goa'uld aren't a threat and my son is alive. Where Samantha and I can love each other without pain and death and duty. Where that damned Stargate was never found.

It's lonely sleeping by myself at night. It's not that I don't miss making love -- that's wonderful and exciting, but waking up with someone... being able to open my eyes, warm and safe in the arms of a woman who loves me. Sex is great, but it can't compare to the closeness that comes with the actual sharing of a bed over time.

Once, on a mission to P4X-831, the locals gave us one big room to sleep in. It had a huge bed and a pallet on the floor. After some debate and a coin toss, it was decided that Teal'c would get the floor and keep guard during the night, while Daniel, Sam, and I got the bed. We were all a bit embarrassed, but hell, it's not like we haven't slept all squished together in a tent before. Sam decided that I would get the middle, because when she'd slept beside Daniel on previous missions he'd kicked and squirmed all night long. The bed had a comfortable mattress and warm blankets and the room smelled sweet with herbs and fresh air. We conked out with no trouble at all.

I woke up close to dawn. We'd all shifted about during the night. Daniel was hogging at least half the bed, all sprawled out, snoring quietly. Sam was curled up on her side, her fair hair sticking out in every direction, and I was spooned up against her back with my arm over her ribs.

I don't think anyone else was awake. Maybe Teal'c noticed me shifting around a bit -- nothing escapes him when he's on guard. But he didn't say anything.

Sam was so warm. If I could choose a moment to relive over and over again, it just might be that morning. Her hair smelled sweet, her body was so soft against mine, and my arm didn't want to move at all. It bent over her torso, and if I concentrated, I could feel where my hand lightly rested against the curve of her breast. I just lay there, wishing that things could be different; that I could take her in my arms, kiss her, and make love with her.

She's my second in command.

I didn't move. I scarcely breathed. I was as still as could be until she finally awoke and stretched, accidentally knocking my arm back into my nose, hard. I yelped, Daniel started, and we were all awake and the moment was over, lost in laughter and camaraderie.

I wish I could go back to that instant. Unless things change significantly, and I don't see that happening, it's the closest we'll ever get to what all the other Jacks and Sams take for granted. The one time when I could try and forget about rank, and just concentrate on her being Sam, in my arms.

I still haven't talked to her about Edora, and how I acted after we returned from Tollana. When General Hammond explained my role in uncovering the thieves, I could see her putting together the pieces in her mind and realizing why I had behaved like I did. She welcomed me back, but with a glint in her eye that said that payback's a bitch. She's smiling at my jokes again, but she's wary. I don't blame her.

The Stargate program is bigger than all of us. We have our duty, our responsibility. In the face of protecting Earth, forming alliances, and exploring, I can't be selfish and take what I want and damn the consequences. Even if it's what she wants, too.

I can't do it. I keep telling myself that.

So being stranded on Edora -- it was almost a relief. Sit down and relax, Jack, you'll never get home again. Someone else will have to save the galaxy, it isn't your burden anymore. So why not make a new life with Laira? Then when I had accepted my situation enough to want to love her, SG-1 made contact again. And I don't think I'm okay about Laira anymore. Finding out exactly how long she waited before telling me what she heard was -- I don't know. It changed things, that she knew that she was choosing between me staying with her and the rest of her people being able to come home. Teal'c could have died. I don't think I could have forgiven that.

So of course I was an absolute jerk when I got home. Getting drunk, and picking on Sam about seeing Martouf -- hey, if I can't have a happy relationship, why should she? I get jealous. It's not one of my better traits, but it's me. Sam might say that since she blended with Jolinar, she doesn't know whose feelings are whose, but I'm not so sure the same can be said for old Marty. I see how he looks at her, all earnest and smiling, and I want to pop that big Adam's apple of his right through his throat and out the back of his neck. She says that she can't get involved with anyone until she sorts out what feelings are hers, and which ones belong to Jolinar, but I always suspect that she might make an exception for him.

I'm the senior officer. I'm supposed to be responsible and remember my duty, and the oaths I swore.

Yeah, right. I hate sleeping alone.




* * * *




Carter stretched and yawned. "Hey, sir, are you awake?"

I opened my eyes. "Yeah, I guess so." Looking at the clock on the wall, I said, "Still another forty-five minutes before Frasier's gonna let us get up. Are you doing ok now?"

She sat up, pressing the pillows into a more comfortable position. "Yes. It was weird, sir, I just knew that I was going to fall, and then I woke up here. You were affected, too?"

"Yep. But I didn't fall down in a faint until after we were through the Stargate." I shuddered, remembering the awful feeling of my legs giving out from under me, and not being able to do anything but hope that Sam didn't get hurt too badly when I hit the deck I rubbed my eyes, and grabbed the water glass again.

"Have they found Daniel?" she asked anxiously.

"No. We'll get to work on it as soon as the Doc clears us for duty again." I grimaced, envisioning countless needles aimed at my ass. "She's probably planning to give us a bunch more shots before we escape."

"I don't suppose we get to eat, too?"

"We do. Speaking of which, Major, you need to eat more, don't you? I hauled you out of that pyramid over my shoulder, and I swear you're down at least ten pounds."

She shrugged nonchalantly. "Fifteen, actually. When I was building the particle accelerator, I --"

"Don't tell me. You forgot to eat." I looked at her critically. "I couldn't tell in our uniforms, but in a hospital gown... I knew there was something different."

"Lots of things are different, sir. Three months was a long time. But Janet told me that I have about a thirty pound weight range that's healthy for me, so I'll just gain it back slowly. I fainted because of the radiation, not because I'm going anorexic on you guys."

"Good to hear it." We both fell silent.

"Major?" I asked quietly.

"Yes, sir?"

I looked down at my hands. "I wanted to apologize for being such an ass after I got back from Edora. I was drunk, not that that's any excuse. I hope you'll forgive me."

She favored me with a scrutinizing look, then nodded. "Okay."

"That's it? Just, Okay?" I stared at her, amazed, and tried to find where I'd dropped my jaw. Since when did she ever let me off so easily?

She grinned, wryly. "Yes. I mean, you were a jerk, and you said some really nasty stuff, and you hurt my feelings. But I'll forgive you. Was there something else you needed, sir?"

I laughed. "I've been beating up on myself, thinking that if I brought it up, you'd tear into me again, and when I get my nerve up you just say things are fine. I mean, you created a way to get me home, and I was rude, insulting, and ungrateful. I had a very nice apology worked up, I'll have you know."

Straight-faced, she stated, "Well, sir, if you really want to get things back to normal, you could apologize for how mean you were while you were on your undercover mission. Because you never did, you know."

"Hey!"

"And I'm sure Daniel and Teal'c will also want to hear you say it."

"Major, that's quite--"

"I think I have a video camera somewhere so I can tape your apology for you. We could broadcast it in the control room, or maybe the commissary--" She leaned back against the pillows and howled with laughter.

"Doc!" I threw up my hands in surrender and called out for reinforcements. "Major Carter's picking on me! Come make her stop!"

"And let us out of bed! We want to get back to work!" She was still giggling.

I grinned at her, and looked around to see if I could find my trousers. "So we're good, Carter?"

"We're good, sir. I'm glad you're back. For a while I thought we had that other Colonel O'Neill, you know, the one who spells it with just one 'L,' and has no sense of humor?"

"Oh, that's it, Major! You just can't quit while you're ahead, huh?" I grabbed a handful of ice from my water glass and glared at her. "You know, you're looking feverish. I think I need to lower your body temperature!"

"No! Sir, get away from me with that ice! You come near me with that ice and you'll get so much payback, you'll -- AUGH!"




The End




You must login (register) to review.