"Where do we go from here? This isn't where we intended to be We had it all, you believed in me, I believed in you."
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One question, that’s all she asked, a simple whisper, almost a prayer. Now I knew it was. And how I wish I had never heard it at all. Now she lays there, looking young and fraigle, dwarfed by the strange mechanisms that restrain her from flying free, but away from us forever. She is slipping, I know. And knowing this I wonder how I can kneel by her side and watch.
What is it that compels me to stay? I reach out, needing to feel the soft touch of her hand in mine. I caress the velvet of her lips ever so softy, my caloused fingers rough against her skin. You can’t leave me, I won’t let you. You’re a fighter, my dear sweet, Samantha, you always have been. I’ve seen the fire in your crystaline sapphire eyes, and I know you won’t just lay down and die.
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"Certainties disappear, what do we do, for our dream to survive How do we keep all our passions alive, as we used do?"
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Death, I cannot face it. Myself, yes, I can look it in the eye and laugh. But when the grim reaper comes to steal the ones I love from my arms I fight with every fiber of my being. And yet, it never is enough to turn him away.
But this time, it will be different. This time I won’t let him win.
How many times have we faced death together? And how many times have we promised each other that we’ll never give up, never give in. Go down fighting, go out with a bang, and now; now I can’t do anything for you. I can only will you to live, pray that your beautiful spirit will not give in so easily.
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"Deep in my heart I'm concealing, things I'm longing to say Scared to confess what I'm feeling, frightened you'll slip away You must love me, you must love me!"
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"Jack..." I turned, knowing the voice, he’s here, as always. He wouldn’t leave if wild horses plowed him down. Wait, that’s Teal’c, but it’s the same principal. Somehow, this man has become my best friend without me even noticing. He has fallen into my life and become a part of the family that I thought I had lost. And right now he knows that I am dying, dying inside. He knows that I feel like someone has taken a dull knife and slowing and carelessly butchered my heart. Daniel knows, because he’s been there too, he’s felt the aching void that can never be filled. The one that comes before it is even over. The pain of knowing what is to come.
It seems ironic that the one thing that Sam loves and treasures so dearly is the one thing that’s stealing her away from us; second byprecious second.
A twist of fate that the very science she spent years mastering has made her its’ slave. I could understand a Gou’ald attack. Maybe sabatoge, anything but this. It’s ramdom, and completely unmerciful. An unknown strain of bacteria. How could we have been so blind? I wish I could stand here and say I saw it coming, at least pretended, so that I could have someone to blame. But I don’t, there is no one, except myself. And in some hidden recess of my brain, I know that, that too, is useless.
Daniel’s still here. A peace offering of black coffee in his hand. He knows how I drink it, doesn’t even have to ask after all these years of bickering over some campfire on PX whatever. He says nothing, simply sits down, knowing I won’t care he’s occuping the only vacant chair in this tiny, barren room. We sit that way, silence our only companion. Our night music the steady rasp of venilators and blips of various life-sustaining machines.
And for some strange reason, this sonata is morbidly comforting.
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"You love her." It was a statement, not a question. I had to ask it, even though in my heart, I knew the answer, I had to be blind not to. From the very first moment I saw them together, I knew. I knew that stars would shine, that life would go on, and that Col. Jonathan(Jack) O’Neill and Maj. Dr. Samantha(Sam) Carter would always love each other. Somehow I knew this before they did. In fact, I wondered if they realized it yet. It was like an epithany, a sudden realization. I just knew. Teal’c says that some people are gifted with such sight. Janet says I’m just too much of a matchmaker. Whatever they say, it doesn’t matter much, beucase I know.
"Yes." His voice, so soft, I almost missed it. One word filled with emotion. Spoken with euphoric realization, and tinged with regret; the knowledge has come to late.
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"The smile on your face lets me know that you need me, There’s truth in your eyes sayin’ you’ll never leave me. The touch of your says you’ll catch me if ever I fall, You say it best, when you say nothing at all."
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"I know." That’s all I need to say, he understands. He knows I’ve known from the beginning. Known that this wasn’t just lust, passion, or a flirtatious game. He knows that I’m here, always have been, always will be.
That I feel his pain. That I’m living my own version of it, that I suffer when he suffers, laugh when he laughs. That I’m not leaving, that I don’t give up.
"Thanks-" his voice is halting, unsure. He doesn’t do this sort of thing well. "Thanks, Daniel" he tries again. Words failing him, he says it all in one breath, "for everything." Short and sweet, like always.
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They are there, suffereing together, and I stand alone, outside the door, waiting, watching. As always, I am the protector, by choice, These souls have become my family, and I will watch over them as such. It will not be long now, I can sense it. Hidden deep in my heart, I am praying for a miracle, but the warrior in me, sequeches the hope quickly, like snuffing out a candle. She is too far gone, there is little chance now. However, I cannot totally abondon the thought. She is, in her own way a warrior, she will fight to the end, I know it. And the ending is fast approaching. I steel myself, shutting off my heart, knowing I must be strong for them.
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"Why are you at my side, how can I be any use to you now? Give me the chance, and I'll let you see how, nothing has changed."
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My world has become a blanket of soothing darkness. I feel nothing, only soft comfort. It’s like a deep comforting sleep that you never want to wake up from. Somehow, though, buried inside me, a though keeps niggling at my brain. Wake up Sam, fight this Sam, don’t give up. Give up what? I ask the voice, What is soo horrible about this state, the place I am in?
Curious, I listen to the voice as it fades away. I struggle to surface through my thougts, like a drowning woman. The world above me is murky, dark, and hints of unimaginable pain. I don’t want to return, but something keeps pulling me back. A name, a face, a whispered prayer. Who, what, I struggle to remember, to oragnize my thoughts into some semblence of coernce.
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"Deep in my heart I'm concealing, things I'm longing to say Scared to confess what I'm feeling, frightened you'll slip away You must love me, you must love me!"
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Then it all floods back, the memories, the life I left behind. And the warrior, the wonderful, sarcastic, intutive, hurting man I love. My brain fights to accept what my heart’s telling me. Can I, dare I believe this? I have to, I have no choice. I push aside the blanket, and fight the the pain, slapping away its cruel claws, ignoring it’s harsh, firirey breath on my throat. I’m not going down now, I have to tell him, and I can’t quit then either, I have to go on, I need to. I have found my will to live, for my father, for my dear, dear friends, who have become my family, and for him, for Jack.
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How do I get there from here? How do I make you see? How do I tell you what my heart's been telling me? Lost in your loving arms that's where I wanna be. You know I love you. How do I get there?
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How do you feel, when your heart is slowly breaking inside? You fell like ice, no, you feel like someone is taking a zat gun and instead of hitting you with shocks of electricity, they’ve frozen your heart, jolt by jolt. I know I’ve lost it, because I’ve ceased to make any sense. Why, is it that the human heart is so entirely fragile? It can withstand the most brutal beating one moment, and yet, with a single word, shatters into a million pieces. How can one know?
I sit and ponder this, my hand a vise around her soft, fraigle one. I cannot, will not, let her go! I have ceased to think coherantly. I am simply a bundle of racing emotions. Daniel has left me. I know he understands that I want to spend every last breath with her. He stands outside the door, standing watch with Teal'c. I know the Doc. and the Gen. are hovering around out there somewhere as well, but I have ceased to care. All I know is Sam, and that she's slipping away from me, second by precious second.
Then I feel it, a hint of movement. I dare not hope, my senses are too far gone to comprehend it. But there it is again. In utter disbelif I watch in awe as the slender, capable fingers struggle against some invisble force. Then I hear it. One question, a simple whisper, almost a prayer-
"Jack?" It's then that I know, I see it in her eyes, her spirit's shining through.
"Sam?" another question. She knows, I know, we don't need flowery declarations of love or overblown dramatiticism. We know, and she will survive, for me, for us, the team. And most of all, because her fierce fighting heart will not let her give in.
The End-
Feedback!!!!!!! Please, let me know how my first effort turned out!
Story Notes: p.s. You must love me,(From Evita), When you say nothing at all(Allison Krauss&Union Station), and How do we get there from here(by???) aren't mine either.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]