A whole year had passed. Well, over a year. Three hundred and eighty-seven days. The Goa'uld, as unlikely as it had seemed, had agreed to call peace with the Tau'ri and their allies, apparently deciding the threat of the Asgard teamed with the Tau'ri and their other allies was too much.
They should've known the peace would be short-lived.
The SGC had been disbanded days after the peace-treaty had been signed. 'Before the ink had dried,' Colonel O'Neill muttered darkly. Reassignments had been given as well as a warning to all personnel to keep what they'd learnt a secret. The important influences, the shadows in suits, they pulled the strings and the SGC closed. Just like puppets, those assigned to the SGC found the right to make decisions about their own futures were taken out of their hands.
SG-1 was amongst the teams who were divided. Teal'c returned to be with his family, content that the danger to his people was over. Colonel Jack O'Neill also left the planet. Shortly before the SGC closed, they had to inform all of their allies of the decision. Edora was one of those planets that received a visit. Laira had returned with the SG-unit who had been sent there, with Jack's child in tow. Annoyed that his position at the SGC was no longer, he decided to leave to be with his daughter – seemingly regardless of anyone else's feelings, knowing he would never be able to return to Earth so he wouldn't have to face them. Doctor Daniel Jackson and Major Samantha Carter returned on Earth, though after four months of their being many miles between them, the two lost touch and grew apart.
The way it all ended was partly why he was nervous and excited and anticipating the reunion. There were a lot of unresolved issues between the team, a lot of pain and bad blood that would need to be confronted. Most of it, he suspected, would be between the two Colonels of the team – Sam had been promoted, Doctor Janet Fraiser had told him that.
Daniel knew Jack had hurt her when he left. Jack had hurt them all. He had left without saying goodbye, without giving thought to anyone but himself. He left when the opportunity they'd been waiting for had arrived. The time when it became safe the time when it became possible.. The break they'd been waiting for to act on their feelings.. And he'd walked away. He passed up the chance they'd been waiting for, the moment they'd been fighting for, the dream they'd held onto to help them get through the hard struggles and lonely nights.. Sam hadn't believed it, she hadn't wanted to accept it.. He'd hurt her deeply and Daniel wasn't sure the wound left behind was one that Sam would be able to forgive him for creating.
Settling himself in his old chair in the briefing room, Daniel waited. He couldn't guess which of his former teammates would arrive first. He'd expected both Teal'c and Jack to already be there. From what little he'd been told by the officer who'd summoned him, the Goa'uld had attacked several off-world allies and the Asgard had found a way to contact the SGC and inform them of this. He's assumed Jack and Teal'c would have been recalled as soon as he had and knew it would take less time for them to 'Gate home than it took him to drive across Colorado Springs to get to the mountain.
" Doctor Jackson." General Hammond stepped into the room, called from retirement to retake his place as head of the SGC until a new Officer in Charge was chosen. He smiled warmly at the younger man, taking his seat at the head of the table. " It’s unnervingly quiet around here, isn't it?"
" Yeah.." Daniel returned the smile, the prospect of being reunited with so many people he cared for being the only light in what was a bleak future. " It'll probably pick up again soon."
" I expect so." General Hammond nodded, tapping his fingers on the desktop. " Word is that the SGC will be fully re-opened within the month. I don't know when they'll find a replacement for me.."
" You’re leaving, General?" Daniel was surprised and disappointed. He couldn't imagine anyone else sitting at the head of the table, no one he wanted to see there anyway.
Smiling in an appeasing way, the General nodded. " Running a place like this is too much for a man of my age. Worrying about the future of the planet.. I shouldn't be doing that. I should be spending time with my grandchildren whiles they're still young enough to want to spend time with me. Don't worry, Son. I'll make sure my replacement treats you all fairly."
" That's good to know, Sir." The voice from the doorway was a welcome addiction to just the two of them. It took Daniel back to a time when his team were the closest he had to family, when the battle was hard but to good times helped them all get through it.
Standing, Daniel put his anger and resentment behind him to embrace his friend and welcome Jack back. " Welcome.. back." He hesitated over saying 'home'. He didn't know if home for Jack was home for him. Daniel's home was with his family and his friends on Earth. Jack's.. Jack's wasn't. Not anymore.
" Yeah." Jack didn't seem to thrilled to be back, though he returned the embrace enthusiastically. " You look good, Daniel. Our extended vacation has been good for you."
" Yeah." Daniel thought it would be easier to agree with him. There would be time later to highlight the changes that had taken place in their time apart, time to catch Jack up on all that he'd missed during his absence. " How are you?"
" Been better." Jack answered dryly. He took his seat as Daniel returned to his. " Can we get this over with?"
" Patience is a virtue, O'Neill." Teal'c entered the room, bowing respectively to the others as he took his seat. Daniel noticed with some amusement that Teal'c had grown his chin moustache again. He remembered with affection all the teasing the Jaffa had put up with for it the first time around..
" *Now* can we get this thing started?" Jack drummed his fingers on the desk, looking bored and seeming to want to be anywhere but there.
General Hammond threw him a look to show his impatience was not appreciated. Daniel grinned to himself. It was almost just like old times. " We'll begin the debriefing as soon as Colonel Carter arrives."
" Colonel now, is it?" The tone was unexpectedly bitter rather pleased or surprised, and made Daniel frown to himself. What did Jack have to be bitter about? He was the one who'd left Sam. " That was quick, I'll give her that much."
" Since that could be an insult or a compliment, I'll refrain from commenting." Striding in, her neutral expression contradicting the coolness of her tone, Lieutenant-Colonel Samantha Carter swiftly joined them at the briefing table, giving no more than a nod of acknowledgement to her former colleagues.
A happy reunion after the way they'd split? Daniel sighed inwardly. That hope went out of the window as he watched as Sam avoided looking at Jack, the temperature dropping one or two levels. The dream that they'd be happy to see each other had been nothing more than wistful thinking, and that was something he would just have to live with.
/*/
" Since that could be an insult of a compliment, I'll refrain from commenting."
There she was. Same woman, just a little different. Time had been kind to her. She's changed but not so much he wouldn't be able to pick her out in a crowed room. She was still Sam. No longer the Major, but still the woman he dreamt about. Still the woman he couldn't have.
Any chance of them being together, even if it had been allowed, had been destroyed when he'd left. She made that clear by ignoring him and as much as he hated to admit it, her coolness hurt.
There hadn't been one day since they'd been apart that Jack hadn't thought of his teammates. There hadn't be a single day or night when he hadn't regretted leaving the way he had, that he hadn't wished he could turn back time just to explain to them, to Sam, why he was going.
He'd been angry at the decision to close the SGC, a decision none of them could control, and he'd taken his anger out on them. Punishing them by pushing them away and leaving at a time when they would have needed each other to get through the loss of something so important.
" Well, now that we're all here, let's begin." General Hammond crossed his hand son the desk in front of him. " As some of you are aware, the Goa'uld have gone back on their word.."
" Like no one saw that coming," Jack muttered, his dark mood heightened by the obvious way Sam was pretending he didn't exist.
" Colonel O'Neill, if you'd please put a hold on the sarcasm." The General spoke sternly, throwing Jack a warning glance. " You of all people should know this is important.."
Sam, Daniel and Teal'c exchanged confused glances. Jack, for his part, just appeared to grow more annoyed, his scowl deepening.
" With all due respect, it's a little late to start giving out warnings. People are already dead or dying. I say we get ready to fight these sons of a bitches and take the fight to them." His passion and dedication was no surprise to his former team, but the anger and resentment surprised them. Jack saw the concerned look Daniel darted in his direction but the look only served to irritate him more. " The Goa'uld are going to come here soon. They've already been to Abydos and Cimmera and Edora. We can't just sit around and wait until someone higher up decides to do something!"
" We don't intend to, Colonel O'Neill." General Hammond retorted. " I'm sorry for your loss but your behaviour is unacceptable. Either you start listening to what I have to say or you leave. We will do this without you, Colonel. It's up to you whether you do something to help or sit and complain that we're not doing enough."
Jack folded his arms across his chest and slumped in his chair, scowling but remaining silent. He hadn't meant to push the General so far but he was so tired of feeling helpless. It brought back memories he didn't want to deal with; it brought back the guilt he was trying to forget. The guilt he was trying to turn into anger, anger he needed to hold onto if he was going to get through this. Anger that was wrongly aimed at his team and his orders and his Commanding Officer, anger that needed a target..
And as he watched Sam avoid his gaze once more, he knew, despite not wanting to hurt her anymore than he had done, that she would be it.
If only things had been different. If only she'd found out here was leaving before he'd actually left.. If anyone could have convinced him to stay, it would be her. She hadn't come, though, and although he *knew* that was his fault, he needed to place the blame elsewhere. There was already too much self-guilt and self-blame coursing through his system.
If Sam had stopped him from going to Edora, the team wouldn't have lost contact. She would still want him, and care for him, just as he still cared for her.
If she had stopped him, the Goa'uld wouldn't have come looking for him..
If she had stopped him, he wouldn't have been on Edora.
If she had stopped him, his daughter would still have a mother.
/*/
The debriefing continued with no further interruptions. General Hammond explained to them what had happened. The Goa'ulds Osiris, Atum and Nephthys had all decided the peace treaty was too restrictive and that since the Tau'ri had closed their program, they were no longer such a threat.
They had begun by attacking they knew wouldn't be able to defend themselves. Abydos was one of those planets. The people of Cimmera, although able to defend themselves if any Goa'uld carrying species came through the Stargate, were unable to defend themselves against an airborne attack. The Asgard had fortunately arrived to help out and they were the ones who contacted Earth via the skeleton staff on duty in the ghost town that the SGC had become.
Edora was the third planet attacked. Jack frowned at that part of the debriefing while the others were taken by surprise. Edora had been chosen for not only the reason that it was a defenceless planet; it had been chosen because Jack was there and the System Lords saw him and his team as part of the threat – that was Thor's theory, the General added. The Asgard had arrived in time to help stop the majority of the Goa'uld on Edora but the planet still had the highest fatality count.
" It was fortunate the Asgard were there to help Colonel O'Neill return to Earth safely." General Hammond continued. " Now, because of these attacks, the President and the Joint Chiefs have decided it's time to reopen the SGC. Until a course of action is decided, the SG-units will travel to all of our allies, offering assistance and setting up base-camps so that there will always be somebody there to help defend the planets if needed."
" SG-1 assignment, Sir?" Daniel shifted in his seat, looking uncomfortable. " I don't want to cause any problems but I.. With recent developments, I don't feel comfortable with the idea of being off-world for so long.."
" I understand, Doctor Jackson." The General gave him a small smile and a sympathetic nod. " SG-1 will remain here at the SGC. Teal'c, Colonel O'Neill and Lieutenant-Colonel Carter will need to re-establish themselves in the Colorado area. I, as does the President, would prefer all of you to remain here so that any plans or decisions made can be discussed with you. Doctor Jackson, I'm sure you and Teal'c will be kept busy with translating the latest texts Thor brought with him. You, Doctor, may also be occasionally required to travel off-world on diplomatic missions. Colonel Carter, you will no doubt have your hands full with moving back to Colorado as well as finishing work on some of the Stargate related projects you started at the Pentagon. I've already arranged for your work to be sent here so you can continue them."
Sam nodded when he paused, avoiding the surprised stares of her colleagues. Why did they find it so strange she'd remained involved with the SGC after it was closed? It wasn't the first time she'd done that. " Thank you, Sir."
" Colonel O'Neill, I understand you will be busy reacquainting yourself with Earth but your presence will be required on base. I'd like you here to participate in whatever briefings take place between myself and the other SG-units as well as the President and Joint Chiefs. I'd like you all involved in whatever decisions we male." General Hammond stood up. " I'm sure you all have a lot of catching up to do. I'd just like to say thank you for getting here as quickly as you did. Dismissed."
General Hammond left the four estranged teammates behind in the briefing room. They say together in awkward silence. None of them knew what to say, no one looked at each other. It was just.. silent.
" This is.. Strange." Daniel eventually spoke, earning quizzical glances from his colleagues. " How's everyone been?" No one volunteered to answer first. " Teal'c? How's Drey'ac and Rya'c?"
" They are both well, Doctor Jackson." Teal'c answered calmly, neither his expression nor tone giving any sign of the resentment he felt at having been called back to Earth, away from his family. " Rya'c has grown to be a fine warrior. I am most proud of him."
Daniel smiled and nodded. " That's great. I'm glad." He turned to Sam and Jack, noting how they studiously avoiding each other. " So, Sam, what's new in your life? And congratulations on the promotion, you deserve it."
" Thanks, Daniel." Sam gave him a tight smile, reluctant to expand on the subject.
" Are you still seeing that Brandon guy Janet told me about?" Daniel continued conversationally, witnessing the shadow that crossed over Jack's face. He hid a smile; at lease something was still alive between the two of them.
" It's Brendan," Sam corrected softly, appearing uncomfortable by the question. " And yes. We're still together." She felt Jack's gaze burn into her and felt her shoulder's tense in retaliation. She was not going to feel guilty for moving on with her life. Not when he left first. " So. How's Janet? I haven't had time to go and see her since I got here. Everything okay between you two?"
Grinning, a blush stained his cheeks. " Jan's fine. Everything's fine. Actually.. She'll kill me for doing this without her but I want you guys to know.. We're going to have a baby."
" That's great." Sam smiled warmly at him, the first genuine smile with real warmth that she'd smiled in a long time. " Congratulations. I'm happy for you both."
" Yeah." Jack added, mustering some genuine enthusiasm for the first time since arriving back at the SGC. " Congratulations, Danny-boy. Had no idea you and the Doc were involved."
" It stared when the SGC was closed.. After you left." Daniel blushed again. " Thanks, for the congratulations."
" I wish to extend my best wishes to you and Doctor Fraiser. Your child will be blessed to have such parents." Teal'c bowed his head solemnly. Although he had been taken from his family, he was sincerely pleased for his two friends. His anger wasn't directed at them, it was directed at the Goa'uld responsible for destroying the peace that had temporarily lapsed over them.
Silence fell once again. Sam stifled a sign and pushed her chair back. " I have to go make a phone call. It was nice seeing you again and I guess I'll be seeing you all again soon."
" Give Brandon our regards," Jack called after her dryly as she left, purposely mispronouncing Brendan's name. He pushed his chair away from the table and stood up. " Well, it's been fun. But my daughter will be waking up anytime now and if I'm not there, she'll panic."
" Melissa's here?" Daniel watched curiously as Jack nodded. " Does that mean Laira's here as well?" The archaeologist was thinking about Sam. He knew she had move don with her life, but he could also tell she was still hurt by Jack's actions. How would she feel if she knew Laira had come back with him? It wouldn't help the team get back together, that he was sure of. So preoccupied by his thoughts of Sam, he didn’t see the flash of pain in Jack's eyes.
" Laira's dead." Jack ground out, turning on his heel. " The Goa'uld killed her."
He didn’t wait for their sympathy or pity. Jack stormed out of the briefing room and marched down the achingly familiar corridors of the SGC, his mind a whirling mass of doubts, guilt, anger and recriminations. He wasn't concentrating on where he was going, his body automatically taking him where it seemed natural for him to go.
Sam's lab.
He froze in the midst of turning on his heel to go back the way he'd come, the sound of her voice stopping him cold.
" Hey, Brendan. It's me." She laughed at something he said but the laugh didn't sound sincere to Jack's well-accustomed ears. It sounded hollow, forced.. Like it did all those times when she was putting on a front, trying to make believe that she was happy and okay when deep down, he knew she wasn't. " I know. It was inconvenient. I'm sorry.. I hope you didn't go to too much trouble. No. Sorry, I can't. No. Sorry."
She said sorry too often. Jack moved away slowly, the sound of her empty laughter haunting him. No matter how much of an act she put on for the others, he could see through her. He'd always pretended, of course, that she was a mystery to him, not wanting to upset her by letting it slip that he knew her well enough to see when she was trying to be brave for the sake of it. But he could see something was missing.
She wasn't the same woman he'd left behind.
Part of him, as he made his way to the infirmary where his daughter was already awake and waiting, part of him thought that maybe he was responsible for that, adding to the remorse he already felt. Adding to the anger.
Adding to the guilt, and the distance they would need to overcome.
/*/
The infirmary was where he still sat half an hour later when Sam escaped from her lab, and the seemingly never-ending phone call. She was looking for Janet, having heard she was there, partly to congratulate her on the forthcoming baby and partly because she needed to talk to someone. She wanted to get her mind off Brendan and the life she'd left behind in D.C – and the life she was being forced to remember in Colorado.
She stopped when she saw him, swallowing hard when she saw the child held lovingly in his arms.
Melissa O'Neill. His daughter with the woman he'd let her for.
Swallowing again, Sam stepped further into the infirmary, unable to take her eyes off the brownish-blond child and her father. Melissa O'Neill was her father's daughter, that was for sure. It was the first time Sam had laid eyes on her but she could instantly see the O'Neill features and characteristics, including the same brown eyes she knew only too well.
" You planning on standing there all day, Carter?" His voice, gruff in tone, made her jump and alerted Melissa to her presence.
Sighing inwardly at being caught and being unable to leave unseen, Sam smiled back at the three year old who graced her with a toothless grin. " I was looking for Janet. You don't know where she is, do you?"
" She left with Daniel five minutes ago. She didn't seem very happy with him for telling us their big news." Jack looked up from Melissa, seeing his daughter was fascinated with the new arrival. " You haven't met Melissa, have you?" He saw her shake her head, her gaze never leaving the child in question, seemingly as captivated by his daughter as Melissa was by her. " Well, this is Melissa, my daughter. Mel, this is Maj-Colonel Samantha Carter." He leaned in to whisper conspiratorially to the little girl, making both Melissa and Sam smile. " But if you're nice to her, she'll let you call her Sam."
" Hi Samantha Colonel Carter." Melissa smiled shyly, her brown eyes wide with curiosity. She'd heard her father talk about this woman before, it always upset Laira – that was what she called Mother – when he did An expression of puzzlement came to her face. " Why'd you call her Carter, Daddy? If her name's Sam?" Her eyes shone with innocence as she recalled his words. " Are you not nice to her? That why you don't say Sam?"
For the first time in a long time, their eyes met. Such an innocent question asked by a child so young with nothing but good intentions and genuine curiosity. Yet the answer wasn't any of those things. The answer was complicated and resurfaced a lot of unease between the two adults.
" I.." He started trying to think of something to say but Sam beat him to the punch.
" No." She shot him a quick glance to keep his quiet. " He can call me Sam, Melissa, and sometimes he does.. But other times, because we worked together, your father had to call me 'Carter' instead."
" Can he call you Sam now?" Melissa looked up at her hopefully, given reason to believe the answer was 'yes' when Sam smiled down on her softly.
" Sure." Lifting her eyes back to Jack's, she gave him a casual shrug. " It'll stop some confusion with us both being called Colonel now, even if there is a Lieutenant in my title."
" Okay.. Sam." Jack tried it out, giving a slight lopsided grin to Melissa as his daughter beamed up at him. " Congratulations, by the way. On the promotion. I know you deserve it."
Ducking her head in acknowledgment, she accepted the compliment modestly without having to actually say anything. Glancing around the otherwise empty room, she took a step closer to the door. " Since Janet isn't here, I'll go.."
" Feel free to wait with us." Jack offered without allowing his mind time to process the possible repercussions of the answer – both if she agreed to stay and wait, or if she decided to leave. " Daniel's giving us a ride back to my place and I doubt he'll come back here without Janet so.."
Hesitant, Sam lowered her gaze from his to his daughter, seeing the intrigue on her open face. " Okay." She eventually decided. " To be honest, I'll be glad of the company. The SGC is a little too.. quiet.. for me at the moment."
" It's a bit like a ghost time, I know." He agreed with her as she hopped up on the bed opposite him and Melissa. " So."
" So."
A pause enfolded them. The only thing that kept it from being awkward was Melissa's incessant chatter. She wasn't talking to either of them, she appeared to be talking to herself, and giggling to herself, over a secret she hadn't shared.
" She has an invisible friend." Jack explained after a while of doing nothing but affectionately watching his daughter. " Whatever mischief she gets into, it's his fault."
" Does he have a name?" Sam smiled at Melissa, who blushed prettily and hid behind her father, still talking, apparently, to her mysterious friend.
" Cheekaboo, he's called Cheekaboo." Jack appeared troubled by this but Sam's smile just widened in response.
She shook her head at him as he raised a questioning eyebrow. " It's perfectly normal to have a make-believe friend at her age.. My niece and nephew both had one.. And so did I." She admitted as her cheeks turned pink. She couldn’t help but wonder why she'd added that.
To her relief, he looked a little more relaxed – and very much amused – by her admission. " You, the straight-laced, never wrong, Lieutenant-Colonel in the US Air Force had an imaginary friend?"
" I was three." Sam stated self-consciously. " We moved around a lot because of Dad's assignments. At that age, it seemed like the end of the world whenever we went some place new.. Miss Jemima Rose was my only constant companion." She held up her hand to protest against the incredulous look that had spread over his face. " I thought it was posh, okay? Jemima turned her nose up at everything I didn't like because she was above it all; the ridiculous dress Aunt Janet tried to make me wear, the fish paste sandwiches.. I had her until Dad got cross with me because she'd broken a fruit bowl he'd given to Mom a few years after I'd been born."
" Oh." Nodding, not knowing what else to say, Jack chose to change the subject – or rather shift the focus of the conversation. " How is Dad? I haven't seen him a while.."
Her response was a grim smile. " You and me both. Since the SGC closed, I haven't seen him. Not since Teal'c and I went to tell the Tok'ra the SGC was shutting down due to lack of funding." Her blue eyes grew distant and suspiciously bright. " I haven't seen or heard from him in over a year. For all I know, he could be dead."
" I'm sure he's fine, Sam." He gave her a look he hoped was both compassionate and reassuring. Seeing that she wasn't convinced, he sighed deeply and glanced down at his hands. " I'm sorry."
Sam shrugged her shoulders. " You have nothing to be sorry for. You didn't want to the SGC to shut down anymore than the rest of us."
" But I didn't stay to try and keep it open." Jack was riddled with guilt. Not only had he hurt Sam and Laira, and let the others down, he hadn’t stopped to think of the consequences the SGC closing would have had on their lives. They would all be out of a job, or at least the jobs they loved. For Sam, though, it would have been worse. She would have lost all ability and method of contacting her father, as well as being reassigned away from the friends she'd made in Colorado. " I should've stayed."
" And spent the rest of your life regretting it, spending the rest of your life missing out on the chance to get to know your daughter?" She shook her head sceptically. " You would have resented giving that up, and resented anything or anyone responsible for making you do it."
" You think I would have resented you."
Neither knew whether it was a statement or question. Either way, Sam found she couldn't deny it and Jack discovered he didn't expect her to. It was as if they both realised that had been one of the thoughts, and doubts, that had crossed both of their minds. Would he gave blamed her for depriving him the opportunity of knowing his daughter if he'd chosen to stay on Earth?
There was no point in answering it now. It was too late.
" Okay, okay. I forgive you!" Stop grovelling and let me find Sam so I can explain.." Doctor Janet Fraiser's voice filled the silence as she walked in with Daniel at her side, stopping in her tracks on sight of the infirmary's visitors, stopping so suddenly that Daniel walked into her.
" Explain what?" Pushing herself off the bed, Sam gave her friend a warm smile before moving to embrace her. " I hear congratulations are in order."
Janet hugged her back with an equal surge of affection. " I wanted to tell you myself but Doctor Big-mouth here couldn't keep it to himself for just five more minutes.."
" He's excited, Janet." Sam defended Daniel with a wink as the two of them parted. " I think you can forgive him this time round."
" I guess." Janet agreed with a proud smile in Daniel's direction. " But I wanted to be there when you found out. I *really* wanted to tell you myself."
" You've told me now." Sam tried to soothe any tensions between the couple, as well as ease Janet's guilt. " And you can tell me everything you want to tell me now it looks like I'm coming back to Colorado."
" I know." Janet beamed enthusiastically, her hazel eyes bright and her cheeks tinged with pink. Sam had never seen her happier. " It'll be great! Unless you don't want to move back to Colorado.." She darted a quick glance in the direction of Jack, Melissa and Daniel, lowering her voice. " How are things with Brendan?"
The shadow that passed over Sam's face didn't go unnoticed. Uncomfortable at the attention the question gained her, Sam shuffled from one foot to the other. " Everything's.. okay." She settled on the word eventually with a strained smile. " You want to help me unpack some boxes and have a girl's night in tonight?"
" Great!" Janet accepted without hesitation. " Cassandra's on a school trip till Thursday so I'm free."
Daniel harrumphed at the plans. " Since I'm not being consulted on this.. Jack, you need some company tonight? Teal'c could do with cheering up so.."
" Sure. It'll be like old times." Jack, distractedly, agreed to the suggestion. Melissa occupied half of his attention, thoughts of the mysterious Brendan occupying the other half.
'Old times.'
A phrase often used to describe a period in their lives that once seemed unending but which was no difficult to think and talk about.
'Old times.'
Times that had passed and couldn't be recaptured, only remember through faint and often vague recollections.
'Old times.'
The past. Separated from the present by change, distanced from the future by hope.
The group went their separate ways. Sam and Janet left for the surface and the car lot. Jack and Daniel, with a constantly intrigued Melissa, started searching the base for their possibly homesick friend.
/*/
One movie, a bottle of white wine and two cartons of ice cream later, Sam and Janet had successfully unpacked the boxes that had been painstakingly organised over a year ago. They never reached Washington DC as had been intended. Sam had kept them in storage in her home in Colorado and she hadn't been able to bring herself to sell up and move out completely. Her apartment in DC had the basics, but no personal touches. Colorado was her home. Washington DC wasn't.
The conversation had switched focus from being about everything from Cassandra to Brendan, to the SGC reopening and back to Brendan again. They avoided the subject Janet most wanted to grill Sam about – a certain Colonel and his adorable daughter.
" Okay then." Janet was given Dutch courage as she watched Sam down the remnants of the wine. Being pregnant, she had decided to refrain from drinking, opting instead to drink 'second-hand' and mimic any drunken behaviour Sam displayed. " How does the Brendan-situation change now a certain Colonel is back?"
" It doesn't." Sam stated bluntly, leaning her head back and closing her eyes briefly. " Brendan is in DC, I'm in Colorado. Whatever happens, happens. End of story. Colonel O'Neill doesn't affect anything. Besides, I'm sure he'll be occupied with Melissa and Laira and getting them comfortable in their new home."
" Laira's dead." Janet was surprised Sam didn't already know. " She died in the Goa'uld knew he was there.. She's one of the many fatalities."
Horrified, Sam stared. " She's dead? Oh, God." A hand went to her lips to stifle a gasp. " I had no idea.. Poor Melissa! What's going to happen to her if the Colonel's on a field mission..?"
" Melissa's stating with me and Cassandra, I've already volunteered." Janet supplied helpfully. " Daniel said Jack's more guilty and upset.. He thinks Jack still has a thing for you.."
" Janet!" Frowning, Sam tossed a cushion at her friend. " That's terrible! He's bound to be a little guilty if Edora was a target because of him. The Colonel hides it when he's upset about something. He's probably still in shock, it couldn't have happened too long ago."
" A few days." The doctor shrugged. " I didn't mean to come across as cold-hearted or mean. I just meant that it's strange. If something happened to you, he'd be obviously crushed.. Yet now he hasn't shown any signs as being half that affected now Laira's.."
She didn't finish her sentence. Another cushion landed in her lap, followed by a glare from Sam. " Don't say it."
" Okay, I won't." Janet relented but gave her a sidelong glance. " It's worth thinking about, Sam. Maybe.. Maybe you were wrong when you said he left because he didn't want to be with you, he left for his daughter and no other reason."
" Maybe. Or maybe Melissa's why he's subdued about Laira. Maybe he's trying to be strong for her. After all, she did just lose her mother and I know how that feels."
" Yeah." Janet cleared her throat at the quiet pain in Sam's voice. She sighed deeply and propped her feet up on the coffee table. " The SGC reopening is going to affect us all, isn't it? I mean, you're being pulled from DC and Brendan. Colonel O'Neill has to get his daughter settled and get used to being back on duty.. Teal'c's been taken from his family.. And Daniel's going to be going on missions again, and I'll be stuck here worrying about you all."
Turning her head, Sam reached out and took Janet's hand. " We'll look out for Daniel, Jan. I promise. None of us will let anything happen to him. He'll keep coming back to you, and your family."
" I know." Janet smiled weakly and returned the pressure on their hands but she wasn't convinced. Working at the SGC was dangerous, they all knew that.
But the problem was, was it too dangerous now they all had other responsibilities and relationships in their lives? Was it worth the risk of losing so much?
/*/
Over a week later, the team were still struggling to return to something akin to normality. Teal'c was learning to settle into his place back on Earth, Daniel and Janet were coming to terms with the changes their relationship faced now they both had their jobs back. Slowly, Jack was beginning to get comfortable in his house once more, and it started to feel more like home now with Melissa there with him. Sam had quickly re-adjusted to being back at the SGC but was obviously experiencing difficulties in her relationship with Brendan, difficulties she wouldn't talk about.
Within the team itself, the individual and group relationships were strained. They put on a front, tried to trust each other and get back to the way it once was.. But it wasn't as east as they'd hoped. They were all distracted by the new developments in their lives, and didn't have time to devote getting things back on track.
" Damn it." The phone rang, startling her. Sam loosened her grip on the tweezers momentarily but it was enough. The component she'd been holding fell to the table and the small glass LED shattered. Reaching for the phone, she answered less than warmly. " Carter."
" Hey, beautiful. This a bad time?"
" Brendan.." Sighing his name, an eyebrow rising in surprise of its own accord, she sat down on the stood next to her workbench. " Hi. I didn't expect to hear from you today.."
" It's almost been a week, Sam. You didn't think I'd let so long pass without seeing my girl, did ya?"
'My girl.' The possessiveness in his words and tone didn't escape her attention. It was partly the cause of their problem. Ever since Brendan had discovered she was working with her old team, particularly Colonel O'Neill, he'd panicked and grown possessive. He had clearance to know about the SGC, so he knew Colonel O'Neill had been recalled with the others. Brendan was nervous he was going to lose her, and was determined that wouldn't happen, which was why he'd taken to calling her every night, sending flowers every other day, smothering her so much it was almost unbearable.
" Um. Where are you?" Running a hand through her hair, Sam looked up to see Janet standing in the doorway – with Melissa O'Neill at her side. Motioning to them to come in, she smiled a surprised smile when Melissa immediately walked up to her and clambered onto her knee.
Watching, Janet smirked at Sam's surprise and how comfortable Melissa looked sat there. She then noticed the phone in Sam's hand and raised a questioning eyebrow. 'Who is it?' She mouthed, stepping closer to her friend.
'Brendan,' Sam mouthed back, turning her attention back to the matter at hand as she instinctively secured an arm around Melissa's waist as the young girl stared doodling on an almost blank piece of paper Sam herself had been drawing on.
" Sam? You still there?" The anxiousness should have moved her but it didn't. It grated on her nerves.
" I'm here, sorry." She stifled a sigh and closed her eyes against the look Janet threw her. " I've got company, though, Brendan. I'm in a meeting of sorts.."
" Oh." His disappointment – and suspicion - was hard to mask. " With Colonel O'Neill?"
Grinding her teeth together, Sam inhaled deeply. " No. Not that it should matter who I have meetings with. So.. Where are you?"
" Well, that's part of why I was hoping you could come home early.. I'm currently standing outside your house, earning one of two strange looks from your neighbours." Brendan laughed but Sam failed to find any humour in the situation. " I got all the way from DC to Colorado without realising I don't have a key to your new place.."
" Old place," Sam corrected softly but firmly. " My home in Colorado is my old place, the apartment was new."
" Yes, well." Brendan cleared his throat. " Anyway, I have no way of getting into your place so.."
" So you want me to come and let you in?" Opening her eyes, she looked down to see Melissa looking up at her curiously. " Brendan.. It's not really a good time for me.."
" Daddy!" Melissa exclaimed happily as Jack, searching for his daughter, appeared in the doorway. As pleased as she was to see her father, Melissa made no attempt at moving from Sam's lap – much to Janet's amusement as she sat watching the scene play out, wishing she'd brought some chocolate-covered popcorn with her.
" Sam.. I've come all the way from DC to be with you this weekend, I've cancelled half a dozen important meetings.. Can't you spare twenty minutes to come and let me in? It's freezing out here!" Brendan started to sound annoyed, making her feel both guilty and angry.
" I'm sorry you went to all that trouble, I really am. But you should know better than to come here without telling me first.. Surprising me is not a good idea.." Sam lowered her gaze to the pictures Melissa was drawing of stick men, taking comfort from the child in her arms as Melissa cuddled closer to her.
Brendan heaved a long-suffering sigh. " So what do you suggest I do, huh? Sit here getting hypothermia until you manage to spare a few minutes away from your precious SGC?"
" Don't be like that, it's not my fault." Sam sighed softly as Melissa gave her a concerned look and ignored her uncomfortable father's attempts at getting her to leave. " All I can suggest is you find a café or hotel to sit in until I can get away from work."
" Fine. Call me when you can fit me in." There was no time for goodbyes. Brendan disconnected the call, the dial tone replacing his coldness.
Slowly, Sam replaced the receiver. She didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Their relationships, which had been blossoming in Washington, almost to the point where moving in together was just the natural next step, was now suffering and verging on the edge of destruction.
" Sam?" Melissa, with her small, sweet voice, jolted her from her thoughts. " Are you sad?"
" No, Honey." Sam hugged her briefly, looking up to see Jack watching curiously. " I think your father's waiting to take you somewhere.."
" Yeah." Jack agreed from the doorway, grinning fondly at Melissa's inquisitive gaze. " Come on, Mel. We're supposed to go shopping for some new clothes and toys.."
Melissa's eyes lit up as she hopped down from Sam's knee with some help. She skipped over to her father, squealing when he scooped her up into his arms. " Bye, Sam! Bye, Doctor-Janet!"
" Bye, Melissa. Have fun spending your Daddy's money!" Janet called after the departing pair, her eyes sparkling mischievously. Turning serious, Janet turned to Sam, her concern evident from her expression. " Are you really okay?"
Shaking her head, Sam ran her fingers through her hair. " Brendan.. decided to surprise me with a visit.. He's angry with me because I won't leave work early to let him into my house."
" Why don't you leave early?" Janet got up from her sear and approached Sam, her eyebrows raised. " You know you can leave when you want to.. You've been working sixteen hour days, you were here till past midnight last night.. There's no reason why you can't leave early today.."
" I don't want to leave early because of him," Sam answered quietly, fidgeting with the paper on her desk. " I hate him thinking he has that much control over me. I'm not going to drop everything just because he wants me to.. I've never done that for any man I've dated and I never will."
Refraining from pointing out there once was a time when Sam would drop everything for her teammates, Janet put a sympathetic hand on her shoulder. " Things are really changing for you to since you moved, aren't they?"
" I don't understand it!" Sam's outburst didn't take Janet by surprise, nor did her frustration. " We've been in different states for a week and he's become a completely different man! When we were in DC, he was everything I could want him to be; understanding, kind, considerate, sweet, funny.. We were taking things slowly but there was so much potential for things to go further."
" He's none of those things now?"
" No." Sadly, she shook her head. " He's possessive, jealous.. If I say I'm working with someone, he demands to know who I'm with – and always assumes I'm with Colonel Jack O'Neill."
Squeezing Sam's shoulder, Janet gave her a small smile. " Is there any reason for him to be jealous?"
Burying her head in her hands, Sam didn't answer. She couldn't answer, she didn't know what to say. She didn't know if Brendan had any reason to be jealous – her career was important to her, particularly since she returned to the SGC. Maybe he had a right to be jealous about the time she was going to spend working..
There was no other reason to be jealous.
Was there?
/*/
Until the last ten minutes, their shopping trip was uneventful. Jack convinced Daniel to join him and Melissa, knowing he was going to be buying a lot of 'essentials' for his daughter and would therefore need the extra help in carrying it back to his keep. The truck he'd once owned had been sold, impractical for a single father with such a young child. Together, the three of them hit the toy stores and clothe stores and furniture stores, giving Daniel plenty of practise for when he entered fatherhood. The two men quickly realised they should have brought one of the women with them; neither knew where to begin when it came to buying clothes for Melissa so they relied heavily on the shop assistants who doted on the little girl and swooned over the two unaccompanied adults.
Eventually, weighed down by heavy bags and, in Jack's case, sleeping daughters, they began making their way back to the car, stopping when Daniel slowed in front of a jewellery store.
" See something you like, Danny?" Jack arched an eyebrow as Daniel's attention was caught by a tray of expensive engagement rings, a tray another man was already contemplating. " I don't think any of those will be in your size, Daniel."
" It's not for me, it's for Janet," Daniel answered despite knowing Jack was teasing him. " I've been toying with the idea of asking her to marry me. I'm not sure, though. She might think I just want to marry her because of the baby."
" Do you?" Taking a step closer, Jack carefully balanced the bags and Melissa, the latter tightening her grip on him as she mumbled sleepily. " The Doc's a good woman, Daniel.."
Daniel nodded and grinned. " I know, that's why I want to marry her. You think she'd say yes?"
" You won't know unless you try." The man standing beside him at the window supplied with a grin, taking his blue eyes from the display to nod at Daniel. " I was just contemplating that myself. Whether the lady in question would say yes."
" You going to take your own advice and go for it?" Daniel was curious, wondering what someone else in his situation was going to do.
The man laughed and shrugged, glancing at the tray again. " I'm not sure. We haven't been dating all that long and although I'm serious about her, I'm not sure if the feelings are reciprocated.. Plus we had a small argument this afternoon.. I think maybe I should wait a few weeks, let things smooth over and then take the plunge."
" You must really love her if you've only been dating a while and still want to propose." Daniel saw – and ignored – Jack rolling his eyes at them. Offering the stranger his hand, juggling his own bags, he decided to introduce himself. " Daniel Jackson."
" Brendan Masters." Brendan took the offered hand and shook it warmly. " You wouldn't be *the* Doctor Daniel Jackson, would you? The one who works with Sam Carter?"
" Ah, yeah. That would be me." Daniel nodded, surprised. His eyes widened as realisation set in. " You're Sam's Brendan? Brendan from DC Brendan?" He cast a quick look at Jack, who was studying the man intently.
Brendan was tall, with blue eyes and black hair. He was.. handsome, that couldn't be denied.. Attractive, intelligent-looking.. He wasn't the type of guy neither Jack or Daniel could see Sam falling for but then again, things had changed.."
" That would be me." Brendan grinned widely. " It's great to meet you. Sam's told me quite a lot.."
" Likewise," it was a small lie but Daniel didn't want to make things worse for Sam, not when he knew through Janet she was having problems with Brendan. " Oh, she might have mentioned Jack to you, too." He returned Brendan's smile, a little taken back and nervous at being the one who introduced the two men. " Brendan, Colonel Jack O'Neill. Jack, this is Brendan Masters. *Sam's* Brendan."
" I heard." Jack murmured dryly. Neither he nor Brendan made a move to shake the other's hand. They eyed each other warily, as if making an assessment of the other man. " Charmed to met you."
Brendan nodded in acknowledgement, sizing him up. He nodded in Melissa's direction. " She's your daughter, I presume? Sam told me her name.. It's.. erm.."
" Melissa." Daniel supplied when Jack made no attempt at helping the other man out. " So, Brendan, you're thinking about marriage? I.. Ah.. I didn't know it was so serious between you and Sam.. I mean, you've only been dating for a few months.."
" Time doesn't really mean anything, Doctor Jackson," Brendan responded evenly. " Besides, who would be foolish enough to let a woman like Sam get away so easily?"
" Who indeed?" Jack shifted Melissa, his arms feeling heavy, his eyes narrowed. There was something about this guy he didn't like, and he had the nagging suspicion it was that he was dating Sam. " Hate to cut this short but I need to get Mel home. Coming, Daniel?"
Wisely, Daniel just nodded as Jack strode away, feeling faintly embarrassed at his friend's cold demeanour. " Nice meeting you, Brendan."
" I'm sure we'll see each other again." Brendan watched with a fake smile. He waited until they were out of sight before entering the jewellery store to make his purchase.
He had spent months as Sam's colleague, earning her trust so she would let him be her friend. Everyday he'd spent working with her and getting to know her, he had fallen just that little bit deeper. When she'd agreed to go out with him, he felt like the little kid who's Christmases had all come at once.
He was not going to lose her, he cared too much.
He was *not* going to lose her. Not to the man he was trying to help her forget.
/*/
News of Brendan's intentions to propose spread quickly through the group. Daniel told Janet and Teal'c managed to get Jack to admit what was bothering him. They were all afraid they were going to lose her, that she'd go back to Washington DC just days after being reunited with them.
No one voiced their suspicions when she was around. They all agreed to refrain from telling her of Brendan's plans, knowing she'd find out in her own time. It was with great reluctance that Janet forced herself to be enthusiastic when Sam revealed Brendan was taking her away for the weekend so they could work on their relationship, and it was with even greater reluctance that the members of SG-1 let her go.
/*/
They spent the weekend at a small cabin in Lake Tahoe. Sam couldn't relax even though she pretended to enjoy herself. She couldn't stop herself from comparing the cabin with one she'd never been to but had heard all about. She couldn't stop comparing the man she was with to the man who had tried so hard to get her to go to his cabin with him..
The one she always turned down until it became too late to accept.
" Sam? You gonna get up anytime soon?" Brendan's unwelcome voice cut through her thoughts and intruded into her fantasies.
Burying her head further into the pillow, Sam tried to ignore him and get back to where she'd been. She'd been having a lovely dream.. She'd been by a lake, catching the rays, dipping her hand in the cool water at her side. She had been smiling, happy, and extremely relaxed. She'd heard a joyous squeal, followed by a girlish giggle and a warm laugh. They'd been coming towards her, from the cabin, mentioning something about surprising Mommy with a picnic and just as she'd opened her eyes to catch a glimpse of them coming closer..
" Sam! Are you getting out of bed or do I have to come and join you?"
Sighing heavily at the interruption, Sam kicked off the blankets and took her bad through to the bathroom so she could shower and change her clothes. As an afterthought, she locked the door behind her. The last thing she wanted was to give Brendan another chance to 'surprise' her. She was finding his wanting to be constantly close to her suffocating, something that was sad to realise.
How many people wanted to discover they honeymoon period was over when it hadn’t really begun?
Showering and dressing swiftly, she made her way downstairs where he was waiting with a fully cooked breakfast that made her stomach churn. Forcing a smile, she took her seat opposite him and gingerly sipped the orange juice he'd poured for her. " Thank you."
" Anything to make you happy." Brendan grinned at her and eagerly tucked into his own prepared meal. " You know," he spoke to her around a mouthful of eggs and bacon. " This weekend's been great. Like we live together. It's a great trial run, isn't it? Time's just flown by."
" Yeah." Sam bit her lip, feeling guilty. Time had only flown by for her because she'd been counting the hours till they left for home. " It's been.. an adventure, I suppose."
At that moment, Brendan looked up to see she was just pushing the food around on her plate. " Something wrong, Sweetie? You haven't touched your breakfast."
" I'm not hungry, sorry." She gave him a weak smile. " Thank you for going to all the trouble, Brendan. It was really –" Smothering, possessive, assuming, obvious, suffocating – ".. sweet of you."
Looking as pleased as a puppy who'd received praise for doing something right, Brendan covered her hand with his, entwining their fingers together fondly. " This weekend has been the best weekend ever. I can't wait to make this permanent. When we go back to DC, I promise I'll treat you the way you deserve."
" Ah.. What?" Sam paused in lifting the glass of juice to her lips.
" Oh, I know." Brendan continued as thought he hadn't heard her speak. " We haven't decided between DC and Colorado yet. I don't really mind where we live, I could settle into a new job in Colorado, and a new house, as long as you're there.."
" No, Brendan. I meant making this permanent. What are you talking about? We haven't discussed anything.."
" There things aren't usually discussed, Sweetheart." Brendan smiled tolerantly at her, almost condescendingly. " They usually happen with the guy asking his girl a question and the girl saying yes."
Flustered and surprised, Sam withdrew her hand. " Was that a proposal?"
" You'd prefer me to go down on bended knee?"
' I'd prefer you not to ask at all,' she thought to herself whilst forcing a small smile. She stood up and break in, slowly and deeply. " I need some fresh air.. See you later."
On legs that were anything but sturdy, Sam scurried out of the cabin, feeling sick and shaken. She wanted to go home, she wanted to get out of there. As soon as she was out of sight of the cabin, she started running. She didn't know where she was running to but she knew she needed space. She needed time.
/*/
Three hours later, Sam returned to the cabin. Brendan sat where she'd left him, sitting at the kitchen table, two plates of almost untouched food in front of him. The only addition was the almost empty bottle of vodka that she was sure hadn't been there before.
" So you came back," Brendan slurred his words. " I thought you might've ran straight to your Colonel."
" You're drunk." She could barely contain her disgust as she moved to intercept the bottle before he could finish it. " And for your information, the only 'Colonel' who is mine is me."
Brendan snorted in reply.
" I don't want to fight with you, especially not when you're drunk." Sam discarded the bottle and started cleaning up, emptying the dishes and piling them up in the sink. " I didn't say no, Brendan."
" You didn't say yes, either."
" I know. I need time to think.. We've only known each other for a short period of time and you've become a completely different person since I was assigned to Colorado." She turned on the hot tap and stared out of the window. " I can't marry someone I don't know, Brendan. You can't expect me to."
" If I've changed, it's because you've been so cold to me." He pouted, as sullen as a child being deprived of getting his own way. " Ever since you heard there was a chance your precious SGC could be reopened, you've blown me off and made excuses not to see me."
Turning off the tap, she immersed her hands in the soapy warm water. " I haven't changed. I haven't pushed you away. I've tried to do my job, I've tried to follow orders and prove myself worthy of it. You knew when we got involved that my work is my main priority in life."
" I knew when we first met that your work was your main priority after that prick O'Neill left you for another woman." Brendan shot back bitingly.
The glass in her hand broke because she was clutching it so tightly. Her fingers started bleeding but she didn't notice. She turned on her heel and strode from the room, hurt beyond words. She returned two minutes later, her bag and coat in hand.
" Goodbye, Brendan."
" Aw, Sam! Come on, Sweetie! Stay! We can talk about this!" He got to his feet, intending to chase after her, only to trip over himself and fall face down on the floor. " Sam!" He called out pathetically. " Come back! Sam! Don't leave me.. Please.."
It was too late for apologies and grovelling.
Sam was gone.
/*/
Three bouquets of flowers later, Sam agreed to give Brendan a second chance. Four days had past since their disagreement and subsequent break up, and every day, Brendan had inundated her with calls saying how sorry he was and how much he loved her. Janet half suspected Sam had agreed to take him back as much to shut him up than because she wanted to.
Although her relationship with Brendan was going through a rough patch, the other relationships between them improved. Friendships were beginning to return to what classed as normal and they all found time to socialise with one another off base. They grouped together to celebrate the first ultrasound scan of Janet and Daniel's child, gathering at Colonel O'Neill's house so Melissa could be involved and would feel welcome.
" It's late. We should go." Daniel declared, standing and helping Janet to her feet. " Thanks, guys, for helping us celebrate."
" Yeah." Janet leaned against him, content. " This is a pretty scary time for us and we appreciate you being here with us."
" No problem." Sam smiled warmly at them as Jack raised his bottle in salute.
Teal'c bowed his head and got to his feet. " If ever you need assistance, we shall endeavour to be there."
" Thank you." Janet smiled again, she was doing that a lot recently and no one could say it didn't suit her. " Hey, Teal'c.. Why don't you come and stay with us tonight? It'll be more comfortable than the base and there's plenty of room.."
" And you can drive into work with me tomorrow and help me convince Jan to stay at home," Daniel added convincingly.
" Thank you." Teal'c was touched but didn't show it. These people, his friends, never failed to amaze him with their generosity and compassion. It was them, and those like them on this world, that made the fight and sacrifice worthwhile. It gave meaning to what they did, good reason for him to allow himself to be separated from his family for so long.
The three left soon after but Sam lingered to help the Colonel tidy up. " I made most of the mess," she reasoned with a small smile, remembering how she'd encouraged Melissa to spread out all of her new toys and test each other methodically until the little girl found her favourite.
Unable to argue with her, Jack started packing the toys away, as Sam collected them from being scattered all over the floor.
" I'm sorry about Laira." The words came unbidden, out of no where, taking them both by surprise as Sam averted her gaze to the doll she held. " I.. ah.. I didn't know until just before I went away with Brendan otherwise I'd have said something." It was a small white like but one they both needed her to say in order to cover the awkward pause. " I really am sorry, Sir. I know you cared about her a great deal."
" But not enough," Jack admitted quietly, intending for it to be too quiet for her to hear.
" What was that?" She knew what he'd said but thought she might have heard wrong. How could he not have cared enough? He's left his whole life on Earth to be with her.. and Melissa, granted..
He looked up, the word 'nothing' on his lips but as their eyes locked, he found he couldn't say it. His gaze travelled slowly, briefly, down to her lips and then back up to her eyes as he swallowed convulsively. " I said I didn't care enough," he confessed hoarsely, his mind desperately fighting to regain control of his words and his body. " The morning she died.. She told me she loved me and had given me more than enough time to get over my old life.. Well over one hundred, two, three hundred days.. She wanted me to say I loved her.. but I couldn't. I told her the truth, that I loved someone else.. The last words I said to her hurt her. I hurt her hours before she died because of me."
" You don't know that," Sam offered softly, immediately, reaching out to put a hand on his shoulder, putting aside her own reaction to the revelation for the time being. " You don't know for certain that the Goa'uld attacked because of you."
" They had no other reason to attack," Jack retorted bitterly. " Edora was no threat to them, Laira was no threat to them.."
" Maybe not.. but dwelling on it won't change it." She gave his shoulder a sympathetic squeeze. " For Laira's sake, let go of your guilt. She wouldn't want you to blame yourself. Not when you have a daughter to raise."
Unconsciously, Jack leaned into her hand, pressing his cheek against her knuckles, completely unaware of what he was doing. " I regretted leaving every day I was on Edora. I regretted leaving you behind."
The tone of the conversation was rapidly becoming too serious and far too intimate. Sam attempted to turn away, mentally reminding herself that she was involved in a relationship and could not go down this path with the Colonel, no matter how much she wanted to at that moment in time.
It was wrong, it would complicate things, it was wrong..
" Sam."
Without thinking, her head automatically turned in the direction of his voice. He was close –too close - but it took a while for her brain to comprehend it. Her mind was slightly preoccupied with thoughts and feelings the sensation of his lips against hers were provoking. All she'd done was turn her head and then.. he was kissing her.
And she was kissing him back.
Brendan, Laira, their time apart, the abruptness of their separation, Melissa, SG-1, the SGC.. All of those things were forgotten. Nothing else mattered.
Nothing else existed.
Dropping the toys in his hand so he could hold her closer, Jack started to realise what he – what they - were doing. He was kissing Sam Carter.. and she was returning the kiss wholeheartedly. The gentle coyness gave way to something more confident and exploratory, something much more intense as he clutched her tighter, afraid if he let her go, or even loosened his grip, she'd slip away from him and he'd find himself back on Edora, dreaming.
Edora. Melissa. Laira.
Abruptly, as if reading his thoughts and sensing the direction they'd taken, Sam pulled away, bringing an end to the kiss as they both attempted to control their breathing.
Wide-eyed, she stared at him, a look of horror and guilt passing over her face as the full repercussions of what they'd done sunk in. She had kissed Jack O'Neill – more than willingly – and it was wrong. She was dating Brendan. Brendan. What would he say if he found out? Sam decided she didn't want to know.
Getting to her feet, she glanced around nervously, looking everywhere but at him. " I have to go.. Goodnight, Sir.."
" Carter.. Sam.." He stood and started after her, seeing her almost sprint to the door. She couldn't get away fast enough. " Wait."
" It's late." Sam murmured as she opened the door. " I have to get home. Brendan will be phoning soon and if I'm not there.." 'He'll worry' was the wrong phrase to use. " 'He'll suspect' would have been more accurate.
Brendan. Jack hadn't stopped to think about him. He'd thought of Laira, felt guilty for betraying her memory so soon after.. " Yeah.. Okay." He held open the door for her, suddenly anxious for her to leave. " I'll see you."
" Yeah. See you." She left without looking at him. And he let her go without lifting his gaze from the floor.
Turning away from the door, Jack's movements were mechanical as he locked up and switched off all of the lights, heading to his bedroom to dwell in his guilt.
'I'm sorry, Laira.'
He apologised silently, as he lay alone in the darkness, for hurting her by rejecting her. He apologised for causing her death and taking her daughter. He apologised for kissing Sam, and he apologised for wanting to do it again.
Guilt alone couldn't stop his thoughts from turning to Sam, imagining her with Brendan and having the urge to hit something really hard.. but whenever he saw Sam in his mind's eye, he banished the image away, conjuring instead the expression on Laira's face moments after he destroyed her dreams, hours before he destroyed her life.
/*/
In the days that followed, Sam and Jack simultaneously chose to ignore what had occurred between them and pretend the kiss had never happened. Sam showed Jack she'd made her choice by renewing her efforts into making her relationship with Brendan a success. Taking leave from work, Brendan moved in with her and she devoted all of her time away from work to him, trying to prove herself that it was Brendan she had feelings for, Brendan she wanted to be with, Brendan who she dreamed of sharing a future with..
So far, although outwardly they appeared to be the perfect couple, inwardly, she hadn't succeeded in convincing herself.
Jack had taken another approach. He didn't have a relationship to throw himself into, other than being a father to Melissa. Instead, he started trying to convince himself he was over Samantha Carter, telling himself he had to stay loyal to Laira's memory – for Melissa's sake.
It didn't help that Melissa kept asking to see Sam.
After a day devoted to his daughter, trying to avoid answering her questions on why Colonel Sam hadn't been to see them recently with everyone else, Jack had a break through.
Laira would have understood, he told himself. She knew how he felt and she wouldn't have blamed him. She'd have been upset, yeah, but it wasn't in her nature for her to want him to be unhappy.. She'd want Melissa to have a female role model. Doc Fraiser would be a good role model for Melissa and they would be spending a lot of time together when SG-1 were off world.. But Janet had her two children and family, Jack couldn't expect her to be there for Melissa whenever she needed some 'girl talk', nor did he want to.
There was more than simply needing a mother for Melissa. Sam was the woman he'd been dreaming of and longing for. He'd been given a second chance and he wanted to take it.
He couldn't blame her for anything that had happened; he'd left her, not the other way round. He hadn't given her any reason to believe nothing would happen between him and Laira. She didn't know he never intended to re-involve himself with Laira; she didn't know he'd left solely because of his daughter and that because of his angry reaction to the SGC being closed, he hadn't been able to think about the consequences until it was too late.
He hadn't realised what he was leaving behind until it was too late.
Until he couldn't go back to make amends.
His mind made up, Jack drove quietly, mindful of Melissa asleep in the backseat, towards Sam's home. He couldn't wait to tell her the truth about what happened between him and Laira, he couldn't wait to tell her how he felt or what he wanted..
Pulling over, he switched off the lights of his jeep and undid the clasp of his seatbelt. He was about to open the door when another car pulled up and into Sam's drive.
Sam's car.
Crouching down in his seat, he watched with morbid curiosity. Brendan got out of the car and made a move to open Sam's door for her but she was too quick. In the light of the street lamp, Jack could see the look in her eyes and couldn't quash the glee he felt when he recognised it as being annoyance.
" Done something wrong, Brendan," he acted as a commentator, keeping his voice soft so Melissa wouldn’t wake up.
Brendan moved to touch Sam's arm but she pulled herself away, glaring sharply at him. Jack, a silent witness, chuckled to himself as he recognised that glare. It was the 'touch me and die' look he'd often seen directed at other people but thankfully not at himself.
" Go on, Sam," he urged quietly. " Go inside and don't let him in."
For a few minutes, it looked like he was going to get his wish. That was until Brendan interfered, grabbed her arm and pulled her into an embrace, kissing her before she could protest or walk away.
Squirming in his seat, Jack waited for the kiss to end. From where he was sitting, Sam wasn't participating as enthusiastically as he knew he could. Slowly, tentatively, he watched as her hands gripped Brendan's shoulders and she leaned into the embrace.
It was all he needed to see.
Sam had moved on with her life and he had no right to take away her happiness. Thinking she would wait for him.. What a fool, he sighed wistfully.
Turning on the engine, Jack pulled out and drove away, confident the couple would be too preoccupied to notice. Sighing heavily, he caught sight of his sleeping daughter in the back of the car and smiled despite the painful aching in his throat.
" It's just you and me, kid. Just you and me."
/*/
The sound of a car driving past jolted Sam from her dream-induced situation. She realised with a start that although it had been Brendan who had been kissing her, she had been kissing someone else.
The thought was a sobering one, and brought back the words Brendan had spoken to her over dinner that had made her cut their date short.
~ " I've had enough, Sam. You have to chose; them or me. *Him* or me." He'd reached across to take her hand, all the time gazing lovingly into her outraged eyes, seemingly taking no notice. " I can't stand the thought of you working so closely with him, knowing something could happen that'll make you realise you want him more than you want me."
She recognised an ultimatum whenever she heard one. And Samantha Carter had never heard an ultimatum she liked. " No, Brendan." With a firm hand on his chest, she pushed him away completely. " You can't kiss me and make everything okay. I can't forget what you asked me to do – "
" I don't want you to forget." He seemed surprised that she would think he wanted her to. " Sam, I was serious when I said that. I want you to chose. Colorado or me. The SGC or me. *Colonel O'Neill* or me. I can't compete with them.. I shouldn't have to.. I want you in DC with me."
She frowned darkly. " Where you can keep an eye on me."
Throwing his hands up, Brendan shook his head. " I just want you. I want to know you want me.. I want to know I mean more than they do. I want reassurance you won't leave me for him."
" This isn't going to work." Turning her back on him, Sam started up the steps to her house. She turned back to him when she reached the door. " If you can't trust me, this whole relationship is meaningless. If you can't trust me.. It's over."
" Aw, come on!" Brendan didn't get any further. Sam stepped into her house and closed the door behind her, effectively closing it in his face. " Fine!" Brendan shouted, kicking at the loose gravel on the drive. " You've made your decision!" It's over."
Those words reverberated through his mind with every step he took and as he reached a hotel, well over an hour later, he knew it was true.
It was over.
Unless..
/*/
Once news of the break-up spread, Sam found she was rarely left alone. If Janet wasn't with her, Daniel was. If Daniel wasn't with her, Teal'c was. General Hammond even stopped by the lab once or twice, often inviting her to join him for lunch, having taken over the role of her father in Jacob's absence. The only person who kept away was Colonel O'Neill but then she expected nothing more from him.
Despite the extra attention, Sam was surprise when she was coerced into having everyone round to her house. General Hammond had an announcement to make – but in his absence, Jack had been ordered to do it for him. It was because of the announcement that Sam had reluctantly agreed and invited everyone around – including Melissa, who she was counting on to relieve any awkward tension that might raise its ugly head.
" So what's the big announcement?" Daniel asked as they started on their second round of drinks. " General Hammond's not retiring so soon, is he?"
" No." Jack took a swig of his beer as Melissa climbed into his lap on the couch and made herself comfortable. " Actually, I've convinced Hammond to stay on for.."
The doorbell cut him off.
Pushing herself up from her end f the couch, Sam excused herself to answer it, her exclamation of surprise carrying on through to the others in the living room. " Brendan! Hi.. What are you doing here?"
" Can we talk?" Brendan brandished a bunch of yellow roses from behind his back. " I owe you an apology." Seeing her unease, he tried to glance behind her. " You have company."
" Janet and the guys." Sam nodded, biting her lip. " Ah.. Give me one minute to put these in the kitchen and then we can talk out here."
" Okay." Wiping clammy hands on his trousers, Brendan watched her disappear back into the house, roses in hand. He dimly heard her giving her teammates an explanation and swallowed the lump in his throat. It was wistful thinking to believe he could compete with them and be chosen over them.. the most he could hope for now was that there was enough room in her life for both them and him..
" I'm sorry about that." Reappearing, Sam gave him a small smile and closed the door gently behind her. Joining him on the porch seat, she waited expectantly for him to say something.
" You say sorry too much," he eventually mumbled. " Since our relationship started.. you've said it too much." He looked at her, knowing she wouldn't deny it and sighed heavily. " It's my fault this won't work, isn't it?"
" I think we're both to blame," she offered kindly. " It was.. The timing was all wrong.. I was hurting and shouldn't have agreed to start something with you.."
" We can't save it, can we?" He sounded hopeful although his eyes, his eyes told her he already knew the answer.
Putting a hand on his arm, she smiled at him gently, her blue eyes luminous. She hated hurting him, she hated ending their relationship when she knew it could have been so good.. if only the circumstances were different. " You deserve better, Brendan. You were right when you said it wasn't fair on you; it isn't. You deserve someone who can chose you over all else, you need to find someone who loves you as much as you love them."
Covering her hand with his won, he glanced down at their entwined fingers. " It isn't easy, letting you go."
" Saying goodbye is never easy." Sam gave him another smile. " But in this case, it's for the best. You deserve better than someone who's on the rebound from a relationship that never even existed in the first place."
' For the best.'
Brendan nodded and stared at their hands. Maybe it was for the best. As much as it was hurting to say goodbye to her now, it would hurt more to watch as she slipped away, it would hurt more to watch, unable to do anything, as he gradually lost her to someone else.
Standing, he pulled her up with him and into his arms, kissing her lightly, kissing her goodbye. " Take care of yourself, Sam."
" You, too." Stepping back, Sam wrapped her arms around herself and watched as he walked away, feeling sadness and relief in equal measures. As he disappeared from sight, she sat back down, hugging herself in silence.
She couldn't decide if she'd done the right thing or not. She knew, as long as the Goa'uld were still a threat and as long as she worked on SG-1 with Colonel O'Neill, there could be nothing more between them. She wouldn't allow it; it went against her beliefs and the regulations she had vowed to uphold.
Until the day regulations were no longer an issue, nothing could happen.
There was nothing to guarantee that day would come, and that was a depressing thought.
Alone, feeling as though she was destined to stay that way, Sam sat under the night's sky, her eyes closing a single tear slid down her cheek.
/*/
Concerned at being unable to hear voices, seeing that almost half an hour had past since Sam had gone outside, Janet excused herself to check on her friend. She slipped her jacket on as she stepped outside into the cool night air, checking the security latch was on before closing the door.
" Sam?" Pulling the jacket tighter around herself, Janet moved to sit down on the seat next to her, concern evident in the way she spoke and moved. " Are you okay?"
" Fine."
" Brendan?"
" Gone."
" Oh." Giving her a sidelong glance, Janet quickly tried to decide whether she should be sympathetic or relieved. " Is that a good thing or..?"
A one-shouldered shrug was the only answer she got for a long while. The two friends sat in silence, staring out into the night, one waiting for the other to speak. " There's something wrong with me, isn't there? That's why I can't get anyone to stay." Sam's voice was choked, hoarse with tears. " Even the ones who really, really want to stay and make things work.. I send them all away."
" The one's worth keeping always come back." Janet kept her voice soft as she responded, fumbling in the darkness for her hand. " The one's who mean something won't let you push them away."
" Brendan kept coming back, so did Jonas.. And I kept pushing and pushing until they couldn't come back again. Until they had enough and gave up on me." Lifting the hand that wasn't clutching Janet's to her face, Sam clumsily wiped her cheeks. " No one stays with me for long. They either leave or they die and I can't take much more of it.. I can't say goodbye again.. It hurts too much."
" The guys inside," Janet tightened her grip. " They won't let you push them away, they never will. You've tried to keep them at a distance but they're the one's worth something, they'll always come back to you, no matter what."
" The guys inside are my friends, my family. They're not.." Her voice trailed off as an image of Colonel O'Neill, a memory of the kiss they shared not more than a week ago, came back to haunt her. She pushed it aside angrily, feeling pain when she should have remembered it fondly.
Turning to face her, Janet studied her expression. " Not what? Not attracted to you? Not romantically interested in you? Not.. Not in love with you?" Staying silent, Sam nodded and Janet sighed. " Sam.. They're crazy about you. Daniel and Teal'c, to some extent, are a little bit in love with you. Colonel O'Neill.."
" Colonel O'Neill is off-limits and you know it." She couldn't disguise the note of bitterness that crept into her tone.
" Colonel O'Neill came back. He always comes back and he does it for a reason." Janet tried to keep her voice quiet but firm, determined to make Sam see what was clear to everyone else. " He comes back for you. Nothing and no one else, *you*. He loves you, Sam, more than any Brendan could."
" That doesn't help." Sadly shaking her head, Sam stared down at the ground. " Even if what you say is true, it doesn't really matter. It doesn't *change* anything. It doesn't make it any less lonely."
There was nothing Janet could say to refute that. She closed her eyes briefly and thanked whoever was up there that she and Daniel had been brought together during the absence of the SGC in their lives. She didn't want to think about the difficulties their relationship would have faced were they to begin it whilst working together. As it was, the changes they were undergoing as a result of being reinstated were troublesome enough, trying to start a relationship in all this chaos and red tape.. It didn't bear thinking about.
" I'm back to square one, aren't I?" Sam's voice startled her, as did the childlike quality to her tone. " Back to where I was a year ago, alone, as always."
" You'll never be alone, you've got us." Janet gave into her instinct and wrapped an arm around the other woman's shoulders, tugging until Sam laid her head on her shoulder. " You'll never be alone, Sam. I promise." She closed her eyes as Sam leaned into her, hearing the muffled sounds of her friend trying not to cry. " As for being back at square one.. I think, after everything we've all been through, after everything you've been through, with SG-1 and in your relationship with the Colonel.. I think it's impossible to go back. You can only go forwards and see what's waiting around the corner for you."
" I don't want to go forwards alone."
" You won't." Janet promised wholeheartedly. " I'll be with you, Daniel and Teal'c will be with you.. You couldn't bribe Colonel O'Neill not to be with you.. And then there's General Hammond, Cassandra, Melissa.." Loosening her hold when Sam moved to straighten, Janet watched as Sam slowly regained control of herself. " You underestimate your own importance in all of our lives. I think we all do that. We don't know how important someone is until we almost lose them.. SG-1 has almost lost you too many times, Sam. The guys.. They won't let you leave them without a fight.. Colonel O'Neill.. He might have left you but he did come back, and I get the feeling he'll follow you wherever you go from now on."
Seeing a small smile play about Sam's lips, Janet felt a glimmer of triumph and got to her feet. " You gonna come back inside?"
" In a minute." Sam gave her a quick smile of reassurance. " I need a minute. I don't want them to know.."
" It's okay, I won’t tell." Janet shed her jacket and held it out for her to take. " Take all the time you need, I'll keep them busy." Heading towards the door, she cast one last glance over her shoulder at her friend, seeing Sam with her face tilted up to the skies, seemingly wishing on the stars above.
They'd be okay, Janet told herself decisively as she opened the door and moved to slip inside. Thinking that, however, didn't stop her from making her own wish on the stars, praying they'd get through whatever was waiting for them around the next bend. As long as they stuck together, they'd be fine.
It was a belief they all had to cling to, or else they'd just give up.
/*/
Rejoining the other concerned occupants of Sam's living room, Janet smiled to let them know everything was okay, or at least heading in that direction. She took her seat next to Daniel and pulled his arm around her shoulders, leaning into him.
" I'm sorry for being distant recently." She spoke quietly, but not too quietly as to exclude the rest of the group. They had very little if any secrets from another. Secrets destroyed trust and trust was needed to keep a friendship strong. " I'll admit it, since finding out you'd be going on missions again, I've been worrying about you. Especially with the baby.."
" S'kay, I'm nervous, too." Daniel kissed her forehead and held her close. " It'll be okay, Jan. Nothing's gonna keep me from you."
Teal'c listened from his chair, feeling the need to put the Doctor's mind at rest after having made his own peace with the fact there was still a war to be won. " I will ensure Daniel-Jackson is safe, Doctor-Fraiser," he vowed solemnly. " This war will someday be over and I promise, I will keep him safe until that time is upon us."
" Thank you, Teal'c." Impulsively, Janet reached over to give the Jaffa a quick hug. She retook her place at Daniel's side and winked mischievously at him.
" Actually, speaking of the war someday being over.." Jack began speaking quietly, trying not to wake his sleeping daughter, as Sam rejoined them, looking every bit the same as when she'd left. " The announcement, or announcements, General Hammond asked me to make on his behalf address that issue. I've convinced him to stay on at the SGC for a few more months.. We're all going to be very busy for the next few weeks because, with the permission of all of those important higher-ups, we're planning a showdown of sorts. With our allies, we're going to take the fight to the Goa'uld, on their own turf, determining once and for all who wins and who doesn't." He looked around from face to face, glad but not exactly surprised to see no signs of shock or resistant on any of the faces looking back. " If we go through with this, we all need to agree on it. Us five and General Hammond.. We need to stand united when it comes to telling everyone else."
" I'm in." Daniel spoke without needing time to think. " The sooner this is over, the better."
" I agree."
" Me too."
" I concur also, O'Neill."
" Good." Jack nodded and gave a small grin. " So we all go into this, and we all come out the other side. No matter what happens, no matter how hard it gets, we'll stick it out together and either succeed in winning the fight or.."
'Or die trying.'
Those were the words that completed the pact and not one person, asides from the sleeping and innocent child, didn't know it. Wordlessly, solemnly, they all agreed to the pact, making silent vows to do all they could to keep it.
They would survive together or not at all.
It was a grim thought but a strangely comforting one, allowing them to take solace in the knowledge that even after all that lay before them, all the uncertainty and danger, there would always be somebody right there beside them, supporting them and at a time when war was imminent, the thought that you're not alone is a very, very comforting one.
Their eyes met over Melissa's head, blue locked with brown. An unspoken promise was exchanged, one that needed no witness or biding contract. No matter what happened, they would never be alone in what was, at times, a seemingly desolate world.
The struggle, the fight; it never can go back to what it was, it just carries on relentlessly, changing as it goes, with no regard or respect for those caught on its journey. But for these five people, the ambiguous future was no longer such a frightening prospect.
/*/
End.
Story Notes: CATEGORY: Future Story, Angst, Romance (Sam/Other, Suggested Jack/Other, Daniel/Janet) S/J UST, General Friendships, Missing Scene/Epilogue: 100 Days.
CONTENT WARNINGS: M/F Romance, Angst, Future Story.
RATING: PG-13.
SEASON / SEQUEL: Set after season 5.
SPOILERS: Major spoilers for '100 Days'; Possible minor spoilers for all other episodes.
STATUS: Complete.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: My 2nd 'Laira returns' fic. Completely unrelated to 'Hidden Truths'. Possible end to the final season with a lead into the movie – in my mind, anyway, and be aware that's a very scary place ;)
DEDICATION: Where do I start? Little Miss.. A brilliant friend who's always there, extremely talented even though she does have a knack for making me cry.. Mind you, she can also make me laugh which kinda balances it out ;) All in all, a one-in-a-million kinda girl, and I'm lucky enough to have her as a good friend. Happy Birthday, LM – you've joined me in being 'old' now
CONTENT WARNINGS: M/F Romance, Angst, Future Story.
RATING: PG-13.
SEASON / SEQUEL: Set after season 5.
SPOILERS: Major spoilers for '100 Days'; Possible minor spoilers for all other episodes.
STATUS: Complete.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: My 2nd 'Laira returns' fic. Completely unrelated to 'Hidden Truths'. Possible end to the final season with a lead into the movie – in my mind, anyway, and be aware that's a very scary place ;)
DEDICATION: Where do I start? Little Miss.. A brilliant friend who's always there, extremely talented even though she does have a knack for making me cry.. Mind you, she can also make me laugh which kinda balances it out ;) All in all, a one-in-a-million kinda girl, and I'm lucky enough to have her as a good friend. Happy Birthday, LM – you've joined me in being 'old' now
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]