"Who's Sam?"
There was no accusation in Sara's voice, at the most she was mildly curious.
"Sam?" he returned the question.
"You were calling out to him in your sleep."
"Her."
"What?"
"A her... Major Samantha Carter my former 2IC."
"The blonde?"
"Yeah. Good officer, but she was a theoretical astrophysicist. I never understood what she was saying half the time."
"That sounds familiar...I remember you trying to explain Black Holes to me."
"I wasn't that bad."
"It took you two hours."
He put his head down and pretended to read the paper. Sam was the last person he wanted to think about. In fact, he had been successfully not thinking about her for a good two weeks and now his sleeping mind had betrayed him. So much for the Special Forces training.
He'd returned to the SGC late one night to clear out his locker. Sam's picture had been missing. She must have taken it and he couldn't help but ask himself why. God, he'd adored that photo. Sam as he'd always loved her; happy, laughing. Even during the darkest days of his imprisonment the memory of her smile had given him warmth and light. When he'd finally seen her.....His abused mind had refused to believe it. He hated himself for hurting her.....for killing the man that, he suspected, she loved. Two months in hospital and they thought he was cured. Showed how much the so-called professionals knew. He couldn't walk through that Stargate again, not now....not ever.
His hands were starting to shake. He quickly shoved them under the table, hoping that the woman sitting opposite hadn't noticed.
"I'm going out," he told her, pushing his chair back.
Sara watched him leave, unhappiness touching her features. She would never understand why he had come back.....Back in her life, back in her house and still refusing to talk to her. He'd turned up on her doorstep two weeks ago, looking like hell, with nothing but the clothes he stood up in and a small box. He hadn't explained anything, just asked if he could stay for a while. Against her better judgement, she let him.
The transformation had horrified her. This was not the Jack O'Neill she had married. This was not even the man who had become suicidal after his son had died. There was something far darker in his eyes. Something had happened to him, she realised that much. Some mission gone wrong? A death he blamed himself for?
Samantha Carter?
Sara knew that they had met but she couldn't recall much about the woman apart from the colour of her hair. She wondered how important Major Carter had been to Jack. What had he said? His second in command? Any physical relationship would have been against regulations and he wouldn't have.....would he?
*****
It was gone 11PM when the doorbell rang. Sara felt a twinge of fear as she answered it. Jack had been gone all day and she was starting to get seriously worried. She was surprised to see a blonde woman standing outside, huddled in what looked like Jack's old leather jacket. The two women stared at each other.
"I'm sorry its so late," the other woman said, "but I need to speak to Colonel O'Neill."
"He's not in."
"Oh.... I thought that he might have come here. I'm sorry to have troubled you. If he does get in touch, can you tell him that Major Carter was looking for him?"
Sara's eyes widened in surprise. Jack had spoken about Carter in the past tense and Sara had naturally assumed the worst.
"No, major, I should explain....He just isn't here at the moment. Jack went out this morning and hasn't been back," she didn't know what made her add. "He was talking about you before he left."
"He was?"
Carter gave a sudden smile. The reaction was an obvious one and Sara felt a lump form in her throat.
"You'd better come in," she said stepping to one side in order to allow the other woman into the house.
"Take a seat," she told Carter, showing her into the living room
"Thankyou...er...."
"Call me Sara."
"Then it's Sam."
The two women shook hands. There was a long, drawn out, silence.
"I realise that your work is classified, but can you tell me anything about what happened?" Sara asked, eventually.
Technically, Sara already knew about the existence of the Stargate and Sam couldn't really think of a reason not to tell her some of what had happened.
"The Colonel was trapped behind enemy lines and we went to get him out. Someone got killed, I was....injured. Colonel O'Neill took it badly, but no one blames him for what happened," she explained.
"That's where you're wrong, major. Jack blames himself and he won't stop however much anyone 'forgives' him. Trust me on this, it broke up our marriage."
Sara paused, and glanced at Sam. There had to be more to the story. The classified part. After so many years of living with Jack's chosen occupation she knew the signs. Unspoken words told her that whatever had happened, it had been bad enough to make Jack run.
"How seriously were you hurt?" she asked.
"Bruises, cracked ribs and I lost a tooth. I'm fine now."
She didn't mention the fact that Jack had inflicted the injuries or that he came damn close to killing her.....had killed Martouf. Sam was still unsure as to the reasons why. The trauma he suffered during his captivity had to have been severe, but from all accounts, no one knew exactly what he had been through. His closest friends were becoming seriously concerned. Daniel had managed to discover where Jack was hiding out. When he'd told Sam she had been in two minds as to what to do. Part of her wanted to go to him, but she didn't know if she could stand the idea of seeing him with his wife. It had taken Daniel two days to talk her into coming here.
A key turned in the front door. When Jack walked into the living room he just stood and stared. A dozen feelings struggled for control. He saw Sam and wondered how he ever could have hurt something so beautiful. He looked at her and thought of angels. Her smile was slow, tentative. He found himself wanting to return it.
They stared at each other for so long that Sara felt like she'd faded into the wallpaper. It was clear no one else mattered when Jack and Sam looked into each other's eyes. He was in love with her, Sara realised. One hundred percent, head over heels in love with his second. He may not have acted on those feelings, but that didn't mean he didn't have them.
"Should I get some coffee?" Sara said, to break the tension. Jack glanced at her and shook his head.
"Stay," he told her, before returning his attention to Sam. "Something I can do for you, major?" he asked.
"Colonel O'Neill," Sam began.
"Retired," he corrected.
"This was yours," she said, quietly, handing him the photo. "When we thought you weren't coming back I....."
"You went through my stuff," he finished, coldly.
His voice didn't match the expression in his eyes. He glanced at the picture before giving it back to her.
"Keep it," he told her, "its a great photo of Cassie."
"I guess."
She shifted uncomfortably, glancing towards the door, searching out routes of escape. Perversely, Jack moved to stand between the her and the only way out of the room. What would she do now? Leap from the window? He found himself staring at her again, taking in the lines of worry, dark circles under her eyes....she looked tired. Her civilian clothes were rumpled; jeans, a T-shirt, leather jacket...a very familiar leather jacket.
"Can I have my jacket back?" he asked.
"Oh sorry. I kind of got used to wearing it," she flashed him a sheepish grin.
He waited until she removed the jacket, then he asked,
"So why are you here, Major? Every time one of you people visit I find out that I've been reactivated. What does the great US military want me for this time?"
"Nothing.....I just....I wanted to see how you were doing."
"Danny send you?"
"No."
Her eyes darted away from him. Sam had never been a very good liar and Jackson's feeble attempts to bring Jack back to the SGC were naively transparent. She was a lousy actress too. The smile she gave him was insincere.
"I didn't see your car," he commented.
"Its in the shop, I caught the bus.....look, I should really be going. It was nice seeing you again, Colonel."
"Its late, why don't you stay?" Sara offered.
"We don't have a spare room!" Jack protested.
"Yes, I do."
"No!"
"Here's some news for you Jack, Charlie's not using it anymore."
Jack exhaled, sharply, as if all of the air had been pushed from his lungs. Sam looked from him to Sara and back again. 'They really know how to hurt each other,' she thought, sadly. This was becoming unpleasant and Sam wished she'd never come.
"I really have to go," Sam muttered. She pushed past Jack as she hurried towards the door.
"Damn you, Jack!" Sara rounded on him as the door slammed. "The way you'd been talking about her I thought she was dead, and then she just turns up here......Why? "
"I don't know."
"Talk to me!"
"There's nothing to say!"
"Then why did she come here?"
He couldn't answer the question.
It was bad enough that he was hurting her....at least she was used to it, but he'd distanced himself from all his other friends; including this woman who clearly cared for him. Sara should have been jealous, but she'd known that Jack would find someone else eventually. Known it ever since they had embraced in the hospital.
"We were the greatest," he had said.
Past tense. Over. Even if Jack hadn't quite realised it at the time. In his heart, he'd left her the day Charlie died. It was too painful for him to stay with the constant reminder of the thing he loved most in the world. Now, something so bad had happened to him, that he was willing to put up with seeing his ex-wife every day. She wished she knew what it was. Sam obviously did and she was probably the only person who could help Jack.....if he would let her. Sara just needed to give him a shove in the right direction.
"You can't let her walk out of here," she told him.
"Why not?"
"For an intelligent man, you do some damn stupid things! Open your eyes, Jack. Don't make the same mistake with her that you did with me. Go after her!"
He looked confused. This was the type of speech he would have expected from Daniel. Sara shouldn't be saying such things. He gazed into her eyes, trying to see if she meant the words. She stared back.
With that one look Sara lied to him. Her expression showed affection, friendship but nothing else. No love. If she wanted to save him she had to let him go and she still loved him enough to do that.
"I'm sorry," he told her.
And he meant it, too. He was apologising to her for wanting to love another woman.
"I know," she whispered. "But we knew this would happen. You found someone
else."
Before he could protest, Sara reached up and kissed his cheek, "Let me know how it all turns out, OK."
Jack nodded as he picked up his keys and headed towards the door.
******
Sam wrapped her arms about her body as she walked along the darkened road. It was a cold night and she really missed that jacket. Where the hell was Daniel? He had promised to come back and check on her, but his car was nowhere in sight and it was getting colder by the moment.
"Come on, Daniel," she whispered to herself.
Jack had reacted exactly as she had expected. If Sara hadn't been present he would have probably thrown her out alot sooner. It was over. Daniel would have to accept that now and they could all get on with their lives. The SGC wouldn't be the same, she admitted that much, but the Stargate was still her life. She had her own team now, her own command and just because she couldn't see Jack O'Neill every day didn't mean that her goals had changed. It was just.....
She glanced up and down the road, hoping to see headlights.
"At last," she muttered as her vigil was rewarded.
The car slowed and stopped. It wasn't Daniel's. Someone flung open the passenger door, Sam bent down to look at the driver.
"Get in," Jack told her. "I'll take you home."
She hesitated, taking one more look around. There was still no sign of Daniel. She really didn't have much choice so slid into the car.
"Cold night," he commented as they drove through the quiet streets.
"Yes."
If all he wanted to talk about was the weather, why had he come after her?
"You shouldn't be out without a coat," he added.
Sam glanced at him. She couldn't quite work out if he was joking or not. There was a wry smile on his face and Sam allowed herself to relax a little.
"You know I had one when I came out tonight, can't think what happened to it..." she countered.
Then she grinned at him. They were dancing delicately around each other, trying to re-establish some kind of communication and it actually seemed to be working. He turned his head to smile at her,
"For cryin' out loud that's my shirt too!" he exclaimed.
"Sorry sir, but you'll have to wait a bit before you get this back."
"Never mind....it looks better on you."
"I've always liked it."
He was silent for a few minutes as he navigated his way through an intersection. They were nearly outside her building. His eyes flicked towards her. What now?
"Just here, sir," she told him.
"I remember, Carter," he snapped back.
Sam kicked herself, definitely the wrong thing to say. He pulled up by the curb and indicated that she should get out of the car. Sam stayed where she was. Having got this far she might as well throw all her cards on the table. Who needed self respect anyway?
"You want coffee?" she asked.
"Coffee?"
"Tea, beer?"
"Yeah.....yeah that would be good."
He followed her into the building, wondering what the hell he was doing. Why was he with Carter when he could have been driving home to Sara? As she reached the door of her apartment, Sam turned and smiled at him. Jack felt something inside melt. She shouldn't do that.....it wasn't fair.
The phone was ringing when they got inside the apartment. Sam dashed to pick up the receiver.
"Take a seat," she told him, "Hello....Daniel? Yes I'm fine...... Jack?"
She looked over at O'Neill, who shook his head and made a throat cutting gesture.
"He dropped me home, but he's gone now. OK....I'll see you tomorrow.....bye."
"Thanks," Jack said, as she replaced the receiver.
Dealing with Sam was going to be hard enough, Daniel would be more than he could cope with. Her eyes questioned his actions as she sat next to him. He could tell that she wanted to ask him more questions. She had that look on her face.
"Go on, major," he said to her, "Say what you want to."
She might as well get it over with. Not that anything she had to say would make any difference.
"The night before you left," she whispered, "I heard what you said."
Jack coughed with embarrassment. Those words had been spoken when he thought she was sleeping. He would never have voiced those thoughts if he had known that she heard him. This he hadn't expected. She was supposed to interrogate him about his captivity, about why he had murdered Martouf, not some half remembered words he had spoken six months ago. Why the hell did she care so much? Unless.....He looked down. When had she taken his hand? Her thumb was gently stroking his palm. The warmth was confusing him.
"Sir, they told me that you had been reassigned, but I knew you wouldn't have left so much behind. That's why I went through your locker, and why I kept so much of your stuff. "
"And why you tried to find me? Bet you wish you hadn't."
"At first."
The admission was difficult. Hating him had been the easy thing to do.
"Aren't you going to tell me that it wasn't my fault?" he said, resorting to sarcasm, "That you understand?"
"How can I? I can guess, I can theorise, but understand.....I don't think so, sir. Yes, I was there, I know what happened, but forgive me if I don't try and climb inside your head. If you want to explain I'm here to listen. I don't think I can do anything else, because I want my friend back! I miss you, sir."
"Carter, I killed a man! Murdered him in cold blood and I damn well would have killed you too. It took a bullet to stop me! I hurt you, and I promised myself that I'd never do that."
"Sir....."
"Stop, please and Carter, quit with the sirs."
"Then stop calling me Carter."
He considered her request for a moment,
"Alright....Samantha."
The use of her full name was meant as an insult, but the way he said it....low tones caressing every syllable.
"That would be perfect," she told him with a shy smile.
That smile, the reality was even more powerful than the memory had been. He hadn't seen her smile in quite that way for anyone else; her eyes cast downwards, dimples showing. When she looked up again all he wanted to do was reach out and move a stray lock of hair from her forehead. There was something almost childlike in her gaze.
"What?" she asked, blushing under his intensive scrutiny.
"You," he replied. "You're amazing."
"I am?"
"Yeah. Why are you even talking to me?."
She touched him then, the merest brush of her fingertips over his lips. If she was to love this man it had to be unconditionally, he wouldn't accept anything else.
He bent towards her, "Time to wake up, princess," he breathed.
Her lips were the softest thing he'd ever felt. He wasn't going to think anymore, just act, just kiss this beautiful woman. She accepted him with no hesitation, snaking her arms about his neck as she wholeheartedly responded. Her lips parted beneath his, silently inviting him deeper. It would be so easy to lose himself in her. Just forget for a few hours, if she could give him that much, he'd be hers forever. She was the only one who could silence the voices. He pushed doubts aside as he pulled her closer. She made a tiny inarticulate sound as his hands slipped under her shirt, making contact with the warm, soft skin. His mouth moved from hers as he trailed kisses down her smooth throat. Nothing was going to stop them being together.....
Apart from the phone....which chose that moment to ring again. Sam reached a hand out to answer it. Jack sat back, watching her intently.
"Hello!" she almost snapped.
Jack raised an eyebrow.
"Daniel," she mouthed.
"Again?"
Sam shrugged as she turned her attention back to the babbling archaeologist, "You tried Jack at Sara's and he wasn't there? I told you earlier.....No I'm sure he's OK. Don't worry......Yes, I'll let you know if he comes back....yes...no....yes...bye."
"Does he have a camera in here, or something?" Jack questioned.
"No, just a knack for bad timing," Sam replied. "Jack, I...."
"Yeah, I know."
He looked at her, certain that she was about to ask him to leave. There was doubt in her eyes.
"You look tired, maybe I should go," he offered.
"No," she told him. "I don't want you to do that, Jack."
"You don't?"
"Never."
Story Notes: REQUIRED READING: When you Wake. Give me a yell if you want a copy ;)
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]