Peace at last.
Sometimes I work best when everyone else has left the base, and it's just me, the night guard, and some artefacts. Am I sad? I don't care. It's my job, and I love it. Mind you, I suppose I've been spending a lot of time on base working, so has everyone else. I dunno, this just happens every once in a while. We haven't had much downtime lately, lots of follow up missions to do. Not usually our job, but all the planets we've been to over the last few months seem to be mostly full of xenophobes, and will only speak to us. So, we've eaten sumptuous meals and taken part in a whole lot of dodgy local customs, one involving some unusual sleeping arrangements which I won't go in to, and another which resulted in Jack being very violently ill for a whole night. That wasn't fun. Teal'c and I were involved in one of the other customs, and poor Sam had to administer to him. And he was not in a good mood. From outside of the camp we could hear him yelling obscenities about the food, which I'm glad the natives couldn't understand, punctuated by the most horrific retching. Sam almost made the decision to take him back, but eventually his body obviously realised there was absolutely nothing left in his stomach, and let him have a rest for a bit. It mustn't have been fun tending to him, I mean the man's a bad patient at the best of times, but when Sam and the native healer Phari came back, they both looked pale and drawn, and I wonder that they didn't loose their own meals. Turns out that Jack was allergic to their local freshwater fish they served us here, and he refused to eat anything but MRE's the rest of the stay.
Apart from that, things have been mostly okay. Oh yeah, there was the time when Jack had that accident on PT4981. It involved a monkey, a really big monkey. Well...monkey thing. It leapt on him from a tree and gave us all a tremendous fright. It clung to him as he lay prone on the ground and we spent a terrifying ten minutes trying to prise it off, thoughts of alien impregnation and deadly diseases went through our minds, but in the end it just turned out to be frightened. As was Jack. I've never seen his face so pale as when it suddenly let go. He was visibly shaken but refused to turn back despite Sam's urgings. I swear he refuses to go to the zoo now...And I thought I was the unlucky accident prone one.
So anyway. An eventful month. God has it really been a month? A month since I was convinced things were all going to go to hell, and SG-1 as well. I am so glad that Jack and Sam seem to have resolved their differences, well mostly anyway. When we got back on duty that first Monday, everything was a little tense. They spoke, tentatively at first, but soon things warmed up, and seemed back to normal. Well...almost normal. Sam was a little weird though. I mean she seemed fine, and at least she wasn't being funny to just Jack, she was funny with us all. Well, not funny, but quiet, cautious somehow. Jack on the other hand was being so very, very sweet with her, listening raptly to every word, giving her an honest compliment every now and then, and even some of his warm full smiles so that I was convinced that the whole falling-out episode was his fault in the first place. Whatever notions we had about them being involved seemed to be completely unfounded. That disappointed me a little. Mind you, if this is how they react due to...whatever...then maybe I shouldn't push them together, that might rip the team apart. So. We never did find what it was all about, we've spent most of our downtime this last month apart, and now it just seems best to let it lie. Hammond is satisfied that everything in SG-1 is hunky-dory again, and life goes on. But then there's Jack. Something is wrong with Jack.
I know it's nothing to do with Sam, as the two of them seem fine. It's not one hundred percent, but better than before. No, it must be something else. He's spent so much of his downtime alone, well, away from the rest of us, that I'm beginning to think there is something else going on in his life. Something that's turned bad. I've tried asking him if he's okay, but he just slaps me on the back and gives me one of those wide, insincere smiles and walks off. Something is definitely up. I wonder if it's family or friends, maybe something's happened to someone, and I wish he would tell me, or at least one of us. I wonder if it's Sara? Nah...don't think so. Anyway, he's getting to be rather withdrawn, and not matching up to his usual levels of sarcasm, wit, and shallowness. Something's gone wrong in his life and I just want to help. Maybe I should give him time, he'll let me in eventually.
At least I hope he does. I've never seen him so...so...lifeless. He tries to hide it, but he hasn't been doing a very good job.
What's wrong Jack?
******************************************
Another day ended.
And a relatively quiet one at that.
SG-7 came back with a few bruises and scrapes. But nothing special. It's SG-1 that normally come back in varying states of consciousness, but thankfully, they've given me very little trouble of late. Sometimes it's very hard being the physical keeper of your friends. Luckily though, I don't normally have to be their mental keepers. That is a job I could not handle twenty-four/seven. Well, I don't have to watch out for ALL of them. Sam's my friend though, and as women, we naturally talk about all kinds of things. The boys? The boys support each other as only boys can. Slaps on the back, drinking sessions, terribly exaggerated stories and on and on. Mind you, SG-1 are a pretty close bunch, and Danny and the Colonel really look out for each other, but remain lads on the surface. O'Neill anyway.
Hmm. There is something wrong with that man. After the...problem...between him and Sam, whatever it was, things went back to normal. Sam was very quiet for a while, and to be perfectly honest she still is, but at least they get on with each other. Huh...the way that man looks at her. Mind you, that's changed as well. He always did look out for her, especially after Jolinar, and I've seen the other kind of looks he's given her when he thinks no-one is looking. Lately though, those looks have become even more frequent, and wary, as if he's unsure whether things are entirely back to normal. I'd even go so far as to say they were wistful, but Sam, Sam insists everything is okay. She has avoided me of late though. Well...when I say avoided I mean she's never gone out with me alone. We've been out in a group a couple of times, but when I phone and try to make a date, she always pulls out. Either that or she's not in.
I have to go talk to her.
I look at my watch and it's after five. Sam'll have finished by now. Well, if she's not I'll make her. It's time the two of us had a night out. A girl's night out. Like we used to. Making my way to her lab I find her bent over some large piece of machinery. She's fiddling with it, twisting some wires together, and I dare say she has that look on her face that she reserves specially for what the Colonel calls her "Doohickies".
"Sam?...hello Sam?"
She tries to turn and see me, but since most of her limbs are threaded through the machine, she can only manage to crane her head over one shoulder. She grins at me around the screwdriver between her teeth, and mumbles something at me that I take to mean she'll be done in a few minutes. I take a seat, and flick through some of the scribbled notes on her desk. Most of the stuff is way beyond me, but at least it gives me something to look at. There are a lot of notes. It looks like she's been spending a lot of time here recently. Mind you, SG-1 haven't been off-world as much, and most of their time has been spent in the labs or offices. I hear a clatter and some scrapes then, and turn to find Sam extracting herself from her self-imposed gadget prison. I don't think I even want to ask what that thing is...it looks really complicated. She downs tools and stands in front of me, wiping her greasy hands on her shirt.
"Umm...it's probably best you don't ask Janet"
"Oh I wasn't about to, believe me. This one looks beyond me"
"Yeah well, it's beyond me too at the moment"
We smile in unison, and I slip out of the chair and carry her jacket to her. Hands cleaned she takes it with a puzzled look.
"And before you can come out with any excuse, you're coming with me. We're gonna go get something to eat, and then have some drinks"
"Janet...I really don't fancy it...not tonight"
"I just thought we could spend a little time together. You have been avoiding me! I'm hurt!"
"Oh don't give me that look Janet, I'd love to go out, it's just not that convenient"
"Why, you have something else on? Please Sam"
"Oh alright. It's nothing I can't put off"
"Excellent! Come on, I'm starving!"
"You're always starving Janet"
******************************************
We have a pleasant enough meal in our favourite little restaurant, an informal little place that makes the greatest pasta. I keep the conversation light, talking about missions, and TV, that sort of thing. Sam smiles, and talks, and tells me about her family, her brother, how they're getting on, how big the kids are now. So far so good. Finishing our meal, I drag her to a quiet little pub, our old favourite. Now she's reluctant. I pull her in behind me, she's not getting away!
She slips into her seat with a tentative smile. A nervous smile. She senses something's up. A talk that she's been avoiding for far too long. Well Sam, no escaping now, no lies about having somewhere to go, something to do. I must say she made it convincing though. She excused herself and made a phonecall, telling whoever was on the other end of the line that she was going out with me instead. Hmm. She's going to a lot of trouble to convince me that she's occupied most of the time, just to avoid me. Still doesn't explain why she's often not in when I call. Well, today I intend to find out.
"So...how are things? I haven't seen much of you recently"
"Things are fine Janet. Just the usual. You?"
"...Come on Sam I'm offended you've been avoiding me, now you're lying to me?"
That shut her up. She folded quicker than superman on laundry day. God I really have to stop talking to the Colonel, he's starting to affect my speech patterns! I just sit there, and wait for her. Eventually, even she grows sick of the silence, and she looks up, eyes meeting mine.
"I'm not lying to you Janet, I'm fine, really. I've just had a bit of a difficult time of late."
"That thing between you and the Colonel? That argument you had?"
"Yeah. That argument. It just made things difficult for a while, but everything's okay now"
"Yeah I know Sam. But anyone within five metres of you two was subject to the fallout! You want to talk about it? You've never really told me what happened"
"Janet..."
"You said yourself it was all sorted, and you two get on fine now, so why don't you tell me what happened?"
"Oh...all right. But you have to promise this will go no further. You can't tell anyone!"
"Of course Sam, you know that. Now spill it!"
"Well...you know that question you asked me back then, in the lab, about what happened? Well, the day after that, the answer became yes"
Oh God. I tried to remain calm but my hand flew to my mouth. Sam looks incredibly uncomfortable, and I couldn't blame her, I just stare at her for ages.
"You mean, you mean you slept with him?"
Sam looks away. Something fascinating in the ashtray draws her eyes, and keeping them there she nods slowly. Oh. Oh my God. They slept with each other. Well. I must say I had expected something to happen at some point, their mutual attraction obvious to everyone, but, not like this. Not so it would cause them to fall out like that. But everything is okay now isn't it? Does that mean that they are still together? That they are having a secret relationship? If so then I'm so glad for them, they both deserve a little happiness. I'm just hurt she never told me. I mean, I do understand that they would want to tell as few people as possible, that they have to keep this secret, and away from military eyes, but they can trust me! I'm their friend! Well, this is certainly a turn up for the books! So, that's where she's been every time I call her! This certainly explains a few things.
"So, are you two together?"
Her head snaps up, and her shocked eyes find mine. Was I wrong?
"God no Janet! It was just that one time, and it never should have happened!"
What? Could I have been so wrong? So they're not together. Well, I guess that explains the falling out part.
"It was a mistake, and we both know that. It was just one of those things, Janet. It happened, and we both regret it, and neither of us wants to do it again. We both felt a little...well...weird, as you'd imagine. We had a good talk though, and sorted it out. Everything's fine now"
She smiles at me, but I'm not sure I trust that smile.
The rest of the night passes without incident. For once. We sit, and we drink, and we eye up the men as they go past. Sam acts normally, but it's me who feels out of sorts. So, they gave in to all that sexual tension and that's all it was? All that resolved by one roll in the sack? Well, unlikely though it seems, it must be the truth. I feel...I feel almost disappointed. As long as there was a hint of an attraction, a possibility, an inkling, the slightest promise of something, something in their future, things as they were didn't matter. They were going to be together at some point and that was that. Well, not now, not anymore. I guess we're free to interact with those young men that have been eyeing us up all night after all. Once more into the fray Janet! We smile in unison as the men come over, bearing drinks.
But that doesn't explain the Colonel though. Maybe, maybe he's not happy about all this, but he seems fine with Sam, so that can't be it. Mind you, they come back from missions these days and they all part company in the gate room, Jack and Sam murmur goodbyes and head out into their own lives. Maybe that's it. Maybe Sam has someone else. There must be an explanation for all her absences and those faraway looks she gets. I'm not going to press her though, she'll tell me everything in her own time.
But that still doesn't explain the Colonel. That man...that man is not happy. Well, that's Danny's department. I'll prise him away from his books some point this week, and see if he doesn't know what's going on with the Colonel.
Enough of this, I think it's time to focus on the handsome young man sitting across from me...
**********************************************
That was close. That was too close.
I had to tell her something, she knows something's up, and the only way to get out of it was to let her think I'd just revealed my big secret. I'm off the hook for now, but it doesn't make me feel any better. I'm lying to my friend. I'm lying to her about how much I've hurt another of my friends. If she knew...if she knew what I'd done...what I'm doing. Well, let's say she wouldn't be best pleased. She'd go mad at me and I can't say I blame her. I think I deserve it.
Still, I'm not entirely sure that this desperate gambit has paid off. I mean, it was the truth, kind of. Well, I slept with him...but the together bit? Well, even I'm not sure what you would call it...I know what he calls it, but he keeps coming back doesn't he? Doesn't he? But she doesn't believe me. I can see that in her eyes. She believes some of it, but not all, though thankfully I don't think she knows which bit she is unsure of. This is all getting to be rather hard to handle. It's Jacks fault. It's his fault. If he can't cope with this, then he should...should...
But I don't want him to, do I?
And I don't know what I would do if he did.
Maybe, maybe I'm just waiting for some courage, then I could do what I want. But I don't know what I want, and even if I did, I don't know if I'd go through with it, whatever it is. I think I'm going insane. And God I think I'm making Jack insane. I'm making that man jump through hoops for me and it just isn't fair.
What kind of friend are you Sam?
**********************************************
Fine!
That's just fine!
Whatever you want! Whatever you say!
I slam my fist into the wall in a flare of fury, and Goddam that hurts. I can't believe this. I just can't believe it. What happened? How the hell did I let this happen? I should have...I should have...What? Said no? Yeah right Jack, I don't think I'm capable of that am I? Will of iron, that's me. Why is the universe conspiring against me? How could...how could something so sweet come so close, and then suddenly veer off, without warning, and turn into...into...I don't want to think about what it's become. I have to get out of here. To be honest, I'm toying with the idea of leaving this place altogether. Get the hell out of the SGC. Running away Jack? Maybe. Maybe I am. Yeah, but how could I leave? What reasons would I give for doing so? Unbearable working conditions? Maybe. But I can't say the real reason, can I?
I can't take much more of this. I try and talk, I do, I plead my case, try to change things, but nothing works. Nothing works. So I just leave things as they are. Oh God. Jesus look at me, I'm breaking up here for crying out loud. Oh please let everyone I know be off base! Please! I let myself sink back into my chair, and cupping my face, I let my head fall to the desk. What's happening to me? I don't understand! How the hell did it come down to this? How? I can only push so far, anymore and I'll lose what I've got. But I can't live like this, I can't. I won't!
Huh. All I need now is for Hammond to pop in and catch me crying. Yeah that's right, I'm crying. Big, tough ol' Colonel and I'm blubbing like a baby. Look what you've done to me. Look what you've turned me into. Do you have any idea how hard it's been for me? Do you have any idea how hard it is to hold myself together, every day? Every day when I see you and every time we...shit!
"Jack?...Jack are you okay?"
Mental note to O'Neill. Lock the door before having a good sob in your office. A good rule of thumb for the future I think. Yes, I must note that down, after I get this unwelcome disturbance out of my way!
"Daniel...out!"
"Jack, what's wrong? Jack?"
"OUT!"
I wait for a second, head still in hands, but I don't hear the door close. Why aren't you leaving Danny, why aren't you gone? Didn't you hear me? Do I have to drag you out and lock the door? Take your Goddam kind heart and concerned eyes and get the hell away from me!
"I won't leave till you tell me what's wrong"
That's it. You just overstepped the line. I leap to my feet and find I'm across the room and have my hands by his throat before I have time to so much as question my dubious actions. That's better. At least his expression has changed to fear and surprise. That, I can handle, that, I'm used to.
"Get the hell out before I do something we'll both regret"
Tough words Jackie boy. Tough words. But after Danny takes a second to swallow and gasp down some air, I can see he doesn't believe it. He knows I'll never hurt him, all he sees is an empty threat, and a friend in pain. Why do you have to be such a good friend? I don't want to talk about it Daniel, I don't want to. I don't want you to know, I don't want to tell you the lengths I'd go to. I don't want you to know how weak I am. Is that what it comes down to? Is it? Am I worried about being weak? Huh. I'm all ego aren't I? Letting go of Daniel's jacket I walk slowly back to my desk and sink down once more. He fingers his throat for a moment, then comes and takes the chair by my side. Oh well. I'm not gonna get out of this am I? We sit in silence for a moment, then he reaches out and gingerly touches my shoulder.
"Jack?...tell me all about it Jack"
*********************************************
Something is very, very wrong with this man. I've never seen him like this. Never. When I walked into the room I just stood and watched in shock for a moment as he beat the phone off the desk again, and again. Then he slammed it down and proceeded to beat the wall into submission with his bare fists. For a moment I almost thought about retreat. I've seen his anger, and it's not a pretty sight. But then he practically fell onto his desk, and the fury of before crumbled, and he just fell apart in front of me. And he was crying. He was crying, I'm sure of it. I should have come sooner. I should have spoken to him weeks ago, find out what it is that's so wrong in his life. Well, I can only hope he'll tell me now, and maybe, maybe I can help.
I sit by his side, and gently reach out and touch him, letting him know I'm still here, that I'm here for him. I ask him to tell me, and he just sits there. We share the silence for a while then finally he lifts his head with a thready, trembling sigh.
"Please go Danny..."
"No Jack. I want you to tell me what's up. Is...is your family okay? I mean, something's happened Jack, what is it?"
He looks across at me with a puzzled expression. Well, that was obviously way off the mark. It must be something else.
"Are...you okay? I mean...you're not ill or anything are you?"
More confusion. From both of us. I'm at a loss then. What could it be? I mean, what else is there in his life?
"Is there, have you got someone else in your life? Is that it? Are you having problems with some woman?"
Oh...oh jackpot. He jerks his shoulder out from under my hand and pushes his chair away from me, taking him to the opposite end of his desk. His hands are on the polished wood in front of him, pulled into tight fists. So...he's met someone has he? I'm sure he would have told me though. I'm sure he would have said. And what on earth could have gone wrong so quickly? Unless he's known her for a long time.
"Is it...is it Sara Jack?"
He swings round to look at me, but there is no agreement in his eyes, merely a hint of confusion, a good dose of frustration, and a hell of a lot of anger. I'm pushing him I know, but I have to get this out of him. He looks like he's gonna hit me at my next words, but I can't walk out and leave him in this state.
"Well then who? Tell me Jack, just tell me!"
For a second, he is surprised by my anger, and his eyebrows head skyward. Then his face becomes set again, and he turns away from me, letting his head fall forward. His arms come up and wrap around himself. Someone has hurt him. Someone has really hurt him. There's no way this is just his pain and regret over Charlie. No, he'll never forget, and never forgive, but at least he's come to terms with it now. Just tell me Jack! Tell me! I hear a sound then, a sound so soft I almost miss it. His eyes are closed and his voice a stirring whisper, as he says a name I really didn't expect.
"Sam..."
******************************************
She broke my heart that night she left, leaving me on the doorstep, but it wasn't to be the last time...oh no.
She said those three little words to me, so opposite to those other three little words of the night before, and then she turned and left. She ran again, from my door and my love. And I ran after her. I was shouting and grabbing and I can't even remember the words I used. God knows what my neighbours think of me now. She shoved me away and told me she didn't want me and she didn't want us. I screamed at her, telling her she was lying, and she got in her car and pulled away. For one desperate moment I leaped out in front of her. I don't know whether I wanted to shock her into stopping, or merely throw myself under her wheels, but she swerved sharply, and drove off. I was mad, and hurt. In fact, I was so mad I went back inside and damn near wrecked the place. I swept the cutlery and crockery onto the floor, and threw the food across the room. Bitch...I thought. You damn bitch. How dare you do this to me? How dare you play with me, with my feelings like that? My sudden anger at her flared briefly, and then was gone again. It's not her I told myself, it's not that she doesn't want me, it's that she doesn't want to want me. Yeah that makes sense Jack...stop kidding yourself...she doesn't love you. Then why say she did dammit? Why? I know she wouldn't if she didn't mean it! I forced her into that situation and she wouldn't say that just to get herself out, she wouldn't!
I don't suppose it really matters, not now. Not since she told me exactly just what she wants. Or doesn't, depending on how you look at it I suppose...
I sat and stewed in my house for a long time. I just didn't know what to do. I thought about not turning up at work, just not ever, thought about phoning Hammond and quitting, all those sorts of things, but I just couldn't do it, not then. Now? I don't know. I can't help but think that maybe I should. But everyone else thinks everything is fine. They do. Except, now, for Danny. He's waiting so very patiently for me to tell him who's turned me into this shivering wreck, and I'm scared to tell him.
Well anyway, after she left that night, the days turned, and eventually, it was the day before our next mission. I still didn't know what to do. I'm a man who can make a split second live or die decision out in the field, but sitting there, in my house, all alone, I was rendered useless. I just couldn't work it all out in my head. I mean, what was I supposed to do? Just turn up the next day and make my jokes and sarcastic comments? Spend the whole day with her there by my side and not feel the burning pain of rejection? And her, would she be laughing at me? For hours I wallowed in this stagnant train of thought, until that decision was made for me. She phoned. Sam phoned. She was uneasy on the phone, and unsure, but all that mattered to me was that she asked me round. And so I went. Regardless of whether she had changed her mind or not, I knew we couldn't leave things as they were, and we had to talk. Still, I'd be lying if I said my heart didn't start beating again, flopping pathetically against my ribs as it clutched desperately onto a small peace of hope. Maybe she'd changed her mind...
And boy was I wrong.
So. I find myself here now, with Danny trying to get it out of me. Okay then, okay then you want to know? You want to know what's going on? Well I'll tell you Danny, I'll tell you...but you won't like it...you won't like it! I've tried to get out of it, I promise I have...but I can't. I just can't. How can I? How can I say no? How can I not want to be there...with her?
Okay then Daniel. It's Sam. I say this out loud, and wait for his response.
***********************************************
Sam?
All this is about Sam?
But...but I thought...I thought everything was okay?
I mean, yeah, the argument or whatever, but everything has been okay lately, hasn't it? Well, obviously not. They have been okay with each other, but not as normal. Lately Jack has been distant with everyone, including her, but even Teal'c has noticed that he's been ever so careful with her. He's been going out of his way not to upset her, making sure she gets no extra hassle than what she should have. I had taken that to mean that the whole thing was his fault, and that he was trying to make it up to her, but maybe...maybe it is something else. Maybe our suspicions at the time were correct, and they did get together. And now? Well, obviously something has gone very wrong.
"What about Sam? What happened? Something did happen between you didn't it?"
He nods slowly. I just gulp. It looks like the cataclysm I was expecting is just around the corner.
"What happened?...Did you, did you sleep with her?"
He laughs then, a short humourless laugh, and leans back, hands scrubbing at his face, knuckles in his eyes to clear them. I'm going to have to draw every single answer from him, I can tell. What is so bad that he finds so very hard to say? Did she regret it and tell him so? Is he in love with her? And she doesn't feel the same?
"Did you?"
"Yeah Danny I slept with her okay?"
"Do you...do you regret it?"
He pauses then, and looks in surprise at me as if I've just said something really stupid. Huh, maybe I have. He wouldn't get this upset if he did, would he?
"Does she?"
This time the framed certificates on the wall fall under his intense scrutiny. She does. Oh Sam regrets it.
"Do you love her Jack?"
Well, that came out of my mouth without thinking. I really should tread a little more carefully with him, or he will end up hitting me. He's still looking away, but I need to see his face to find the answer. I repeat my question once more, but still get no response. Rising from my chair I place myself between him and the wall. And I get my answer then. Oh I get it all right. He sees my form appear in front of him, and slowly raises his head to meet my eyes. I'm surprised that he can see me at all, as he blinks periodically to clear the tears blurring his eyes. The tears follow worn tracks down his face, and drip unnoticed off his chin onto his uniform as he looks at me.
"Well what do you think Daniel?"
He says these words to me with a grating, emotional voice that cracks over every syllable. He loves her. He loves her. Then what's the problem? I thought Sam felt the same damn way as him! Doesn't she love him? Why does she regret it?
"But you're not together?"
"Huh...no...no we're not"
"So it was just that one time?"
"Well now Danny, that's the problem..."
"What do you mean? Why does she regret it? Does she...doesn't she feel the same way?"
His face screws up in thought at my last comment. The air seems heated, and I pull my collar away from my neck. I have to try and stay in control here. I don't want him to slip one way or the other. Then I would get complete breakdown, or violence, both directed towards me. If I'm going to get the full story I'm going to have to be patient. Maybe we should get out of here, go back to his or something so we can talk in private. I can tell he's uncomfortable at being like this in front of me, especially on base.
"Jack...do you want to get out of here? How about we go back to yours?"
He doesn't answer me, merely gets up and collects his jacket and cap. He runs his sleeve across his eyes, drying them, them pulls the cap down low to disguise any puffiness. He walks to the door then and I follow him. This...this is turning out to be one bad day...
****************************************
We take my car, because Jack doesn't feel like driving. Good job really, as I don't think he's in much of a state to do so. It's a cool night, and I wind the window down to let some of the fresh evening air wash over us both. It certainly makes me feel better, but I have no idea how Jack feels, he's been so quiet on the journey. In fact, he's only said the one thing since we left his office, and that was to ask if we could go to mine instead. I agreed, and we set off. I wonder why he doesn't want to go home? Maybe it would be too hard for him to talk to me about it there, if that's where it happened. God it must be difficult for him going home to that cold, lonely house everyday if that's where they...argued. After about ten minutes of driving, some of the unease fades away. I've always thought that travelling has that effect, to me it always feels like you're not quite in the world, it's like your somewhere else, and all the concerns of your life don't need to be dealt with until you arrive at your destination. Well...I'm afraid we'll be arriving in a few minutes. I take my turnoff, and start heading into the area of town where I live. I'm almost relaxed in my seat when I feel Jack fidget beside me, and then he speaks. His words are soft and hesitant, and I struggle to hear them over the sound of the engine. He seems once more to be on the verge of tears.
"She told me she loves me"
I'm going down my street now, so I wait to look at him until I stop the car in the lot beside my apartment. I turn off the engine, and turn, taking in his face, and posture. If I didn't know any better, I wouldn't have said that the man in my passenger seat was Colonel O'Neill. Everything that gave him his air, his presence, whatever, has gone. Dissipated. No sparkle in the eyes, they are dead and bleary. No cocky attitude, no confident demeanour. He looks broken. This man who survived time in an Iraqi prison camp, and it's Sam that has broken him. I wonder if she even knows. Didn't she realise what a fragile heart he has? Sure, he's built up walls around it, but if he let you in, and you hurt him...I have to find out the truth. I get out the car, and Jack follows. I climb the stairs to my apartment, and he does the same, never once taking his eyes of the floor, his arms still wrapped around his tatty old rucksack he brings to work. I wonder if he even knows where he is. I let us in, and go straight to the kitchen for coffee. God, I need it even if he doesn't. When I return to the living room, he's squeezed himself into the corner of my sofa, still clutching the bag. I take it, his cap, and his jacket, and hang them in my hall. He still hasn't moved an inch. He only starts to return to life when I press a hot mug into his hands, the steam making him blink.
"What went wrong?"
A relatively simple question, but one that covers everything. Maybe I should have started with something a little simpler, easier, get him talking again before I dump him in at the deep end, but I really don't have much experience of this kind of thing, and certainly not with him.
"Everything...and nothing"
"Just tell me from the start Jack"
He sighs, and that one exhalation shakes his entire body like it was nothing more substantial than a paper bag. He looks thin as well, I've noticed that recently. With all that's seemingly happened to him, he obviously hasn't been taking care of himself. He takes another sip of the coffee, nearly draining it, and I can't help but think I should have given him something a little stronger.
"Got anything to add to this Danny?"
Reading my thoughts. I take his cup, and mine, refill them, and add a little whiskey to both. I could do with something too. He takes another drink, and obviously appreciates this beverage a little more. He needn't think he's drinking the whole bottle though, that's not going to help. There's another thought, I wonder how much he's been drinking recently? I don't have time to continue that thought, as he licks his lips and clears his throat, obviously ready to tell me. I lean slightly towards him, encouraging him with my eyes. He glances once at me, then begins to speak to the mug held in his trembling hands.
"Uh...we had a couple of runs-ins at first I guess..."
"Run-ins?"
"Uh...yeah...like after the movies the other week, I dropped her off, then stayed for a little while"
I was right, something did start that night!
"Nothing happened, just...I mean...a couple of days before that I think I realised I maybe had...feelings for her or something...and all we did that night was hug...I mean she was cold...I was comforting her...and...and I sorta realised then that maybe she wanted me too"
He's so awkward. I want to reach out and hug him, but we're guys, and guy's don't do that kinda stuff. I know this must be so incredibly hard for him, admitting his feelings like this, so I think it's better to remain silent, and let him tell me in his own time.
Which he does. He recounts that night to me, and the next day when they argued off-world and in the locker room. Finally, finally I'm receiving an answer to all my questions. Then he tells me of the night when he went for a walk in the rain, and turned up at her door. And I ruined it. I ruined it. I was the one who made that phonecall and drove them apart again. I start to stutter an apology, but Jack waves a hand at me, and tells me it wouldn't have changed anything anyway. He tells me how he tried to talk to her on base that time, and I spoiled it again. Dammit! Why didn't I just leave them alone! Then he tells me of that night, a month ago now, when she came to his door.
He chokes up during this part of the story, and I feel tears in my own eyes, a lump in my own throat.
"I mean, I know she didn't come for....that is...I just grabbed her Danny. I pulled her inside and up the stairs and just started kissing her"
I must have looked a little shocked then, for he immediately reassures me that he didn't make her do anything that she didn't want, just that he got her off topic, so to speak.
"We...we slept together, and God if it wasn't the best I've ever had. I know everyone always says that, but it was Danny! Making love to Sam was like...I dunno...all the best tastes, and sounds, and feelings, and sights, and all that sorta stuff all rolled into one. And then I hadta go spoil it. I felt guilty you see, because I know she didn't come for that, so I apologised. We started to talk, and my mouth just ran away with me. I told her that we could do this, have this, if we were careful and all, and I told her that it would be okay even though Hammond gave me a warning..."
"Oops"
He turns to look at me, and I wish I'd bitten my tongue. He's obviously finding some relief in talking though, and he just smiles, and gives a short burst of laughter at himself.
"Yeah...big dumb mistake. That scared her off. She started to panic, and I knew she wasn't willing to risk her career just over me. She was...she was trying to leave, and I couldn't let her...There was only one way I could think of to stop her, so I told her I loved her. And she said she loved me"
"So what happened? What went wrong?"
"Wish I knew Danny...wish I knew. She left in the morning, and said she'd be round that night. She was...hesitant...but hell, we both had a lot to think about. I was so damn happy. I spent the rest of that day preparing, and then, seven o'clock came and went..."
"She never turned up?"
"Oh she turned up...about an hour later. I opened the door to find her half back in her car, and all she said was, 'I'm sorry Jack', and drove off."
Sam...Sam why did you do it? You love him, you told him and I know it's true. What are you afraid of? Okay, I know you're worried about your career, but isn't this worth it? Isn't he worth it? Okay, he can be a real pain in the ass at times, but he's a good man, and God he loves you so very much. Still, this doesn't explain how they seemingly were back to normal on that next mission, and ever since. Did he see her again? Did she go see him and at least try to smooth things over? And what did he mean earlier when I asked him if it was just that one time, and he said that that was the problem.
"Jack...what about after that? Have you seen her since? What did you mean earlier about that one time being the problem?"
He laughs again, a horrible, dead laugh, and his eyes go suddenly cold.
"That's just it you see Danny boy, it wasn't just the one time, was it?"
This isn't making any sense. What is he getting at?
"She phoned me the night before our first mission back, asked me round. Oh I was so happy, I thought that maybe she'd changed her mind, maybe this was gonna be us making up again, and maybe even make plans for the future. I went round, she let me in, and we just leapt on each other like before. Before I knew what was happening we'd made love in the living room, not saying a word, and I was out the door again and on my way home within the hour. And since then, that's happened pretty much every night, either at hers, or mine"
I just don't say a word. I just stare at him in confusion. He looks at me, and sharply away, tears gathering once more in his eyes as he continues, this time with none of the false calmness and composure of before. His voice is suddenly very bitter.
"That's right Danny boy. Glad I told you huh? I see her everyday and all she wants from me is sex. She comes to me or calls me round and I go, how can I not? I go and I try to talk, try to change it, God I even try to stop it, but I can't. So we...do that...and then she leaves, or I leave when she makes it obvious she's had enough. She won't talk to me about it, it's...God it's almost like I'm leading a double life Danny...and I can't get out of it...I've tried...but I can't!"
Oh my God.
"But why Jack? Why do you do it?"
"Why? Why? Because I love her so damn much, and even if I'm only getting ten percent of her, that's a hell of a lot better than none!"
"But Jack she's...she's using you..."
That was a very hard admission for me to make. I can't believe Sam would do such a thing, but I'm faced with facts here, cold hard facts. And I know Jack isn't lying. Why would she do it? She loves him, she told him that, so why is she just using him for sex? Obviously she has decided that she can't do this with him, for whatever misguided reason, but now she's tasted a little of what it's like to be with him, she finds she just can't give it up? He turns again and leans towards me, face screwed up in a scowl, clipped words delivered with a menacing glare.
"Don't you think I know that? Don't you think I realise? Do you have any idea what that feels like? To see that cold look on her face when she gets out of my bed and leaves me without a word? Do you?"
"Jack...Jack you have to stop it..."
"I'm not a complete fucking idiot Danny! I try, I really try! But every time I so much as bring the subject up, just even try to talk about us she goes stone cold on me, and I know that if I push it any further than that then I'll loose her friendship, and that's not a risk I'm willing to take!"
"Well just don't go round! Or don't let her in!"
"I can't! As long as she comes to me, there...there must be a chance she'll change her mind Danny! I have to believe that! She loves me, she told me that, she's...just afraid..."
"Jack..."
"Don't you say it! I don't want to hear you say it!"
"Jack! Even if you're right, and I think you are, I think she does love you, but you can't carry on with this, it's not helping, things won't suddenly just go right, you know that! Jack...this isn't what you want, and it's not going to help you get what you want..."
"I know! But Danny, Danny I'm taking what I can get, I'm taking what I can get..."
****************************************
He's disgusted with me. I can tell. All I've done for the past ten minutes is lie here, in a foetal position on his couch, and he hasn't said a word. I ease myself straight again, and scrabble upwards, jerking towards the bathroom. I take the opportunity to splash my face with water, and when I return Danny has gone. Yeah, maybe he's away to barf. The way he looked at me. He looked at me like I was something you'd scrape of your shoe. And he's right...he's right. Something nudges my shoulder then, and I turn, hands instinctively reaching out to take the mug Daniel is holding out for me.
I take a drink, and note that the alcohol level has gone up by quite a few notches, I glance at Danny who's all but downing his.
"Easy tiger, don't want you getting all tipsy on me"
He looks at me with shock for a moment, then he smiles hesitantly. I smile back, and normality attempts to force it's way in...for a moment anyway. I stretch out my body and lean back against the couch in the dim light. Deja vu. Last time I was sitting like this, Sam and I...right. And out goes normality. I choke a little on my drink, and Daniel's eyes are on me once more.
"You okay?"
"As good as I can be...under the circumstances"
"Jack, this is starting to affect your work"
"I know. I want to get out of this, I just don't know how"
"Maybe if you try talking to..."
"Danny I've tried! She won't talk!"
"But...but you get on fine on missions!"
"I told you, it's like...like a double life. It's a different Sam, a different me"
"And which is the real one?"
"That's just it, none of them are. Sam on base, she's not the old Sam, you must have noticed. She's...cold...impersonal. The Sam I see? She's...she's nothing. I...I always catch a glimpse of her though, when I see her. Every night, every night when I'm holding her in my arms, I tell her that I love her. She...she never answers, never even looks at me...but I know...I know she hears it...the real Sam..."
"Jack...this is really unhealthy"
"Well if you're so damn smart you tell me how to solve it!"
"I just think maybe you should stay away from her for a while"
"I can't"
"Jack..."
"I can't Daniel. I won't give up on her I won't"
"You think you could ever have a normal relationship after this?"
Thanks Daniel. Thank you very much. Why don't you twist the knife a little harder? Maybe you and Sam could have a go together, really cut me up eh? How the hell can I possibly stay away from her? I want her to know just how much she means to me, and how much I'm willing to...put up with. She knows I'm not happy, I tell her this every day. I tell her I don't want the sex, not without the rest of it, but we still do it don't we? Like I said, will of iron. She gives me just enough of her, just enough to keep me coming back for more. I feel like some poor abused dog that loves it's cruel owner none the less. She beats me, and mistreats me, but for a couple of hours a day, she lets me curl up at her feet, content. I'm like some poor beggar, knocking on her door, and she lets me in, and gives me a little food and water. Just enough to get me by, but little enough to bring me back again the next day. I have to believe things can work out Danny, I have to. I'm sure we could get past this...forget it. She's terrified though, I see it in her eyes. She's terrified of what I represent to her. She wants me, I know she does, she just doesn't want all the shit that will follow in the wake.
"Daniel...I know we can sort it out. We have to sort this out. I just have to make her see that it's not out of reach, it's not impossible. Is it?"
"Huh, y'know Jack, Teal'c, Janet and I always kind of thought you two would end up together..."
Huh. Trust Danny to haul me out of this terrible downward spiral with one, hopeful, comment.
"You did?"
"Heh...yeah. But Jack...look at you...you're a mess, you can't go on like this..."
"Okay Danny, look, yes, this is killing me right now, but if you'll just give me a couple more weeks, just a couple, I'll sort it I promise..."
"Jack..."
"Please Danny...please..."
"Okay...but you have to sort this. You have to. I won't see this happening to my two best friends..."
"I promise...we'll sort it. Look, you have to promise me you'll not mention this to anyone, and I mean anyone. Not Teal'c, and certainly not Janet. And...and not Sam"
"...I...promise Jack. I promise"
I finally allow myself to relax a little. We have a few more drinks, then Danny brings me out a blanket for the sofa. I curl up on the warm, soft seats, and pull the covers up to my chin. If I concentrate...I can still smell her...Then just before I feel myself sliding into the welcome abyss of sleep, Danny stands once more in the doorway...
"Jack?...who was that you were on the phone to when I came to your office?"
Another twist of the knife. Thanks for reminding me of that. Yeah, Sam cares for me so much, she blew of seeing me at the last moment to go out with Janet. Thanks Danny, I'll sleep real well now.
"No one Danny...no one"
******************************************
Well, this isn't exactly the light-hearted affair I wanted it to be. I sit opposite Daniel, and we drink our coffee in the relatively deserted mess. We both just pulled a late shift, so the base is quiet, which suits my needs. When I finally left the infirmary an hour ago, after finishing this months quota of medicals, I banged into him in the corridor, and he appeared to have been looking for me.
"Hi Janet...long day huh?"
I agreed emphatically, and we retired to the mess for a bite to eat. Well, Danny has about ten coffees, and I have a sandwich, and a salad. You know, I don't think I've ever seen him actually eat anything...Anyway, we sit for a while, and chat about the weather, sports, missions, the other teams, that sort of thing, but eventually the subject turns round to the one we've been wanting to discuss. Sam and Jack. After our previous discussions a month ago, we decided to leave well alone. And after my talk with Sam the other day, and Jack's continuing decline, I feel a bit of a recap is needed. I don't want to seem like a busybody, but they are our friends, and it's our job to look out for them.
"I was out with Sam the other night"
I offer this as an opening comment, something light and general to turn the topic round the way I want. It doesn't get the reaction I expected. He looks up at me, mouth open, eyes a little dark. I'm surprised the mention of Sam's name would make him show a slight, sudden anger. But it fades almost before I clock it.
"Really? Have a good time?"
"Yeah...okay. I practically had to drag her out though, she's not been herself"
"I noticed..."
"Jack either..."
I look at him then, trying not to look to expectant.
"No...he's not...very happy"
"Any particular reason why?"
"No...don't think so. Any reason for Sam?"
"No...not really"
And then we part company. That conversation was so very hard. We really felt like we were both walking on eggshells. I wonder if he knows, if Jack told him that they slept together? I hope things get better, surely they can get over one roll in the sack?
****************************************
Mission report: PLI814
Teal'c
Today was a very bad day.
We were sent to planet PLI814 for standard recon, and from the outset I was convinced that this seemingly gentle, agrarian world had seen the recent presence of Jaffa. I have come to recognise the subtle signs. Daniel Jackson translated the writing on a large stone tablet that sat directly in front of the gate. It read, "This is the planet Hyandar" O'Neill laughed and suggested that all planets should do the same. Things went steadily downhill from there.
Of late, I, and others, have noticed a change in the relationships between O'Neill and Captain Carter. I do not know what this change is, only that it brings them great unhappiness. They will not talk about it, and neither Daniel Jackson or Doctor Frasier will speak of it to me. Things within SG-1 often get very tense. And today this new tension came to a head.
After five hours of walking, we encountered a small village of stone huts, seemingly recently inhabited, but empty now. There were burn marks consistent with those left by staff weapons on the walls. I then voiced my opinions about the possible presence of Jaffa, and O'Neill agreed with me. We found no survivors or bodies. It is possible that the people were taken to be slaves. Or for some other use. We detected no more settlements in the immediate vicinity, and so we set off back to the gate, to set up standard monitoring equipment, and head back. We were halfway to the gate when we were attacked by a number of Jaffa. It was very strange, the Jaffa were mixed, representing several system lords. They were most probably renegades that had banded together. We attempted to talk, but they were interested only in our destruction. They had obviously chosen this planet for their home, or a base, and had removed the previous residents. Now they intended to remove us, they did not want to risk knowledge of them getting out.
We managed to take down their leading attackers, and then made haste for the gate. I hurried Daniel Jackson to the DHD, and O'Neill and Captain Carter brought up the rear. Once at the gate Daniel Jackson started to input the symbols, while the others defended. The gate opened, and I went to go through. We turned then and waited to see if the others would follow. Captain Carter was reluctant to move from her position, as she did not feel our run for the gate would be well enough protected, as the Jaffa were advancing. O'Neill was shouting at her to move, saying that he would watch the rear, but his position was not as well protected as hers, and she was the best choice. I suggested that they both should run, and I fired my staff weapon in a wide arc, pushing the Jaffa back briefly into the undergrowth. O'Neill moved from his position, but Captain Carter insisted on covering us. O'Neill then started screaming at her to move, and she refused. He then ran to her position and taking a hold of her arm he began to pull her with him. She attempted to remove his arm, while also firing at Jaffa. O'Neill's grip threw off her aim, causing her to miss an advancing Jaffa and a staff weapon blast grazed her shoulder. O'Neill continued to attempt to drag Captain Carter with him, but she escaped from his grasp and pushed him towards the gate, taking up a new defensive position. Again they were shouting at each other, and I decided it was time to step in. I moved forward and pulled O'Neill towards the gate as Captain Carter backed towards us, laying covering fire. He struggled in my grip and attempted to hit me, and it took both Daniel Jackson and I pull him through the gate. I believe my actions were correct, Captain Carter is well able to take care of herself and O'Neill's actions were very confusing.
But things did not end there.
***********************************************
Incoming Traveller.
I leapt from my chair and made my way to the gate. Only three SG teams were off-world, and none of them were due back. Not yet.
"Who have we got?"
"It's SG-1's signal General"
"Medical teams on standby"
"Yessir"
This is not good. This is never good. SG-1 coming back early usually means something has gone wrong. They are my best team, and so far they have managed to handle every situation that has been thrown at them. They have only been gone half the allotted time on this world though, so I can only assume that things did not go to plan. I find I am holding my breath as the wormhole is established and the iris slides open. Please let them all come back. The wormhole makes its usual sounds and deposits SG-1 onto the ramp. Teal'c and Dr Jackson are holding onto Colonel O'Neill, who is straining in their grasp. Only three. Where is Captain Carter? O'Neill shrugs off the two men, and I watch in surprise as he roughly pushes Teal'c away from him, and practically knocks Dr Jackson over as he turns and looks back up the ramp. They all stare for a moment, and finally, as if in an afterthought, Captain Carter is deposited, anger evident on her face as her eyes meet the Colonel's. She looks up at us and makes an urgent hand motion to close the iris. The technicians comply, and there follows a series of sickening thuds, before the wormhole disengages.
For a moment, there is a brief silence, and I hear exhalations around me, then O'Neill's expression of relief suddenly changes to anger, as he advances on Carter. I can't make out the words from here, but I watch in surprise as he grabs her by the shoulders and starts to yell at her, and she yells right back in his face. The other two move to intercede, and Dr Jackson is suddenly floored by the Colonel's elbow. Teal'c moves to help, and Carter is trying to escape, but the Colonel has a firm grip on her shoulder and doesn't look about to let go. She twists away from him, and he grabs her again, but she responds by backhanding him across the jaw. Not too hard, but just enough to get his attention and give her a chance to escape. I feel my own anger and confusion rise as I reach for the microphone. What the hell is this?
"Enough!"
That stops them. But probably not for long so I call for the guards and watch as airmen haul them away from each other. That's it. I order the Colonel and the Captain placed in cells till they cool off. I will not have brawls in my facility, and certainly not between my two officers in my best team. This time I will not be so lenient about whatever is going on in SG-1, this time I will have my answers.
****************************************
Oh my God. We're all in real trouble now. My mind is reeling and spinning, trying to make sense of it all, as my feet follow Hammond's "recommendations" and take me to the infirmary and Janet. I struggle to remember why he sent me there, but am reminded by a painful cheekbone as I wrinkle my face up in thought. Ouch. Jack nearly knocked me out. I'd like to think he didn't mean it, but the way he was acting, he's out of control.
I round the corner and Janet's waiting, she knows we're back and no doubt was expecting to be called to the gate room any second. Her expression when she sees me is one I've come to expect, but at least she seems glad I'm walking here by myself, and not been carried or dragged in. I think we have to have a real talk. She must know what's going on, and maybe I can get Sam's point of view from her. She pulls me down onto a bed, and I sit there patiently, as she examines my cheek.
"Is this all?"
"Yep...I think Hammond just wanted me out of the way..."
"Why?...what happened?"
"It's Jack and Sam, they had this huge clash, then he hit me and..."
"The Colonel did this?"
"Uh...yeah...look Janet...we have to talk about them. Something's been going on"
"I know. Let's go in my office"
Well. I guess it's now or never. I mean I know we agreed not to interfere, but we have to do something. After Sam and Jack's little display in front of the General, he'll be having serious thoughts about their future in SG-1, at least together. Maybe that would be the solution. Much though I would hate for us to be split up, it would maybe allow them to be together. Almost anything is preferable to watching Jack tear himself apart like that. And Sam, when she hit him. The look in her eyes. I'm beginning to wonder if she has any love left for him at all, she's poisoned herself against him by having this...this thing with him. It has to stop. If Janet can't persuade her, then I will. I won't let her continue to do this to herself, to him. I take a seat opposite Janet, and she waits for me to begin. I take a deep breath and tell her what happened today. Then she goes quiet. And we look at the floor.
"This isn't good"
"No it's not"
"Look Janet, you've spoken to Sam, what did she tell you..."
"She promised me not to say anything, but I guess it's time we compared notes. I take it you know Jack's point of view"
"Yeah...and it's not pretty"
"Daniel, I think this is all happening because before, when we thought something was going on, they slept together"
"I know"
"I don't think they settled it though. Sam says it was a mistake, and a one off, but I think they both want more than that"
What did she say? Sam told her they only did it once? Oh...has Sam been lying to Janet as well as to herself? I think we better get things straight here first before we try and solve it.
"Wait a minute, one off? Sam told you they only slept together once?"
"Well yeah...didn't they?"
"Oh God Janet no. They've been sleeping together ever since..."
"But Sam told me they weren't involved!"
"That's just it Janet, they're not"
"You mean...you mean it's just sex? But the Colonel's not like that...he wouldn't..."
"It's not him Janet, it's Sam. Jack loves her, he wants to be with her, he wants to try. It's Sam that doesn't. I don't know what the matter is, I think she's scared or something...but whatever, it's tearing Jack apart..."
"Oh God...oh Daniel that explains everything. I have to talk to her. She loves him, I know she does, she's just worried about her career...but I...I can't believe she would do that to him..."
"That's what I thought. Look. They'll have cooled down by now. I'm gonna go talk to Jack, keep him out the way, you should talk to Sam, try and...I don't know...talk to her..."
"I will. God I should be so angry with her for doing this to him, but I just...I can't"
We both sit in silence for a few moments, this recent turn of events has flung us all off.
"I know Janet...I know. Look, I better go find Jack before he causes any more trouble...umm...good luck Janet"
"You too"
I leave her then, and go to find Jack. Poor Janet. She was so shocked when I told her. I don't know if it's because of what Sam's doing to Jack, or that she lied to her. I hope she manages to...well...persuade her that what she's doing isn't right. I mean, she must know that right? She's so worried that having a relationship with Jack will ruin her career, but between the two of them they're managing just fine while not having one!
As I walk along the corridor towards the cells I can hear a commotion. Someone is yelling and banging on a door. Sigh. That'll be Jack. Demanding to get out no doubt. I round the corner and spot the rather uncomfortable looking airman who's on guard. The poor man is the sole recipient of some rather bad language. As he sees me he sighs with relief, and presses the key into my hand before belting off down the corridor. Jack's anger is not a pretty thing. His tirade continues as I unlock the door and slip inside. Only when he sees it's me does he stop, then he looks away.
"I'm...I'm sorry I hit you Danny boy...I didn't mean it"
"I know Jack. Care to tell me what happened out there?"
"You saw it, you tell me"
"All I saw was you overreacting, and the pair of you acting like spoilt children. The General's not happy"
At that he brought his hands up behind his head, and his knees to his chin. The man looks so defeated. I don't think he cares about anything any more. Nothing except Sam. And his current relationship with her isn't the most healthy thing in the world.
"He wants to see me?"
"Soon. Look Jack, I'm letting you out, but I think you should go to your quarters"
"Where's Sam?"
"Just leave her alone for a bit okay? Someone will come fetch you to see the General"
"I feel like a prisoner, even now I can go"
"Well what do you expect after the way you behaved? I thought you trusted Sam, she can look after herself Jack"
"Not recently Daniel. I've...been afraid she'll do something stupid just to get away from me"
"For God's sake Jack, the pair of you are driving me nuts! If you don't get this sorted out then I'm going to leave SG-1 before they break us up anyway!"
I stalk away at that, angry at them both. Jack doesn't move. Fine. Maybe you should stay in there Jack. Maybe I should have locked the door. Maybe we should have you sedated. Maybe we should drive you halfway across the country and just push you out the car and drive off. Maybe we should lock the pair of you in a room until you just admit it all. Mind you, Sam'd probably kill him.
I think I'll go help Janet. She'll probably need help with Sam.
****************************************
At least she's crying. I suppose that's a good sign. I found her in her quarters after she'd spoken to the General, and told her what I know. And she started crying. She never said a single word but just broke down in front of me.
"Why Sam...why?"
"I don't know Janet...I don't know how this...how it came to...why I...oh Janet...what have I done?"
"You've damn near broken that man is what you've done Sam. How could you hurt him that much? How could you do that to him? And why did you lie to me?"
She hasn't got an answer. She just looks at the floor. Okay, so maybe I should have asked my questions one at a time, but I'm just so damn angry that I couldn't help myself. Still, I feel her pain, and part of me just wants to go and comfort her, hug her and tell her it'll be okay. But will it?
"I didn't want to lie to you Janet...I was just so...so..."
"Selfish?"
"Ashamed. I was ashamed at what I'd done. And I still am. I'm sorry I lied to you"
"It doesn't matter Sam, what you did to me was nothing compared to what you've done to him. Why Sam. Why wouldn't you let him love you? He loves you, Daniel told me. Don't you love him Sam?"
"Oh Janet...Janet I love him, of course I love him! But I can't...I just can't do this, we can't do this...it's not right!"
"Right? Sam, this is the most right thing I've ever seen! You two were meant to be together, I've always thought that! But you were both just too damn blind to see it! But anyway Sam, if you really don't want it, then stop this! You shouldn't be stringing him along like this, you're using him!"
With that she crumples onto her bed, hugging herself tightly. Maybe I went a bit too far, but she had to hear that, she had to. Someone needed to make her look at what she was doing, make her see it for what it was. And that hurt her. As well it should, but it'll never hurt her like she's hurt him. The urge to comfort her is suddenly replaced by a surprising anger. I'm glad she's feeling pain now. She's my friend but so is the Colonel, and what she's been doing to him is almost unforgivable. Almost, but not quite. I know she loves him, so what is she so afraid of? Isn't he worth it? Aren't they worth it? Yeah the man can be annoying, but he would be so good for her, and to her, and God she could do a lot for him. I move towards her, and sinking onto the bed I take her in my arms. The door opens softly behind me, and Danny slips quietly into the room. Sam abandons herself to my embrace, and weeps openly, gasping sobs filling the room. Danny walks over to us and hunkers down, reaching out to smooth her hair with a comforting hand. We just sit like that for a while, until her breathing starts to slow, and she calms down.
"You have to talk to us Sam, you have to make us understand. What are you afraid of?"
She looks up at Danny as he speaks, and then at me, those tear streaked wide blue eyes making her look for all the world like a inconsolable child. She doesn't want to go there, she doesn't want to talk, but she knows she has to.
"Him"
"Jack? Why are you afraid of Jack? What has he done?"
She shakes her head at Danny's question, looking a little frustrated, and we wait patiently as she gathers her courage and strength before speaking again.
"I'm afraid of everything else I'll have to take along with him. I'm afraid of what it means. I'm afraid of what'll happen to my career. I'm afraid he'll be just like Jonas, I'm afraid he won't. I'm afraid of being in love. I'm afraid of being loved. I'm afraid"
"Oh Sam...we understand those fears, we do...but it doesn't explain...this"
"I...I wanted to run away, I wanted to forget, but I couldn't. He...he let me in, oh he let me right in, and I just pushed him away. But...I knew what he was like, what it was like to be with him, to be loved by him, and I couldn't let that go...not entirely. I was too scared to really start anything, and too scared to really end it. I know it was wrong, so wrong, and I know I've hurt him, but he just went along with it...and I found I couldn't get out...But...We...we can't take that risk...we can't...I don't know what will happen..."
"No-one ever does Sam. No-one. Look, I know Jonas hurt you, but Jack is not Jonas. And you know you're doing more damage to your career with this than you ever would if the two of you were together...why don't you just take that chance?"
"I...I want..."
"Sam?"
No...no! We all turn in unison to see Jack in the doorway. He looks just as awful as Sam does. His hair is flattened in places, tufted in others, and his tear filled eyes are red rimmed and puffy. He's shaking a little as he stands there, hands twisted in his shirt material. As soon as Sam lays eyes on him she squirms away from us, hiding her head. Get out Jack, get out! She was talking to us! She'll never do that with you here! I know you're hurt, and I know you're confused, but the only way she'll come back to you is if you give her some space!
"Jack..."
Danny gets up and moves towards him, hands out to indicate he shouldn't pass. Jack gets a defiant look on his face. No Danny, don't confront him, we should just talk him out. If you confront him in a physical way, he'll just instantly snap into the soldier routine. His emotions are all over the place as it is.
Jack takes a step into the room, glaring down at Danny from his slight height advantage, and Danny looks a little worried. I slip away from Sam and rise from the bed, I don't know what I'm going to do, but I have to stop whatever's going to happen. God what a mess this all is. Two of the best friends I've ever known step over the line with each other and now don't know where the hell they stand, and now another two good friends look as though they're about to come to blows due to the above. Not good. All three of us are advancing on each other, and just as things look about to explode, Sam's voice snaps us all out of it.
"Get out! Just all get out!"
Jack's face falls, as his expression becomes one of instant concern. Then puzzlement.
"Sam...Sam I have to talk to you, you have to let me talk to you!"
"Leave me alone Jack, just leave me alone!"
"No! No I damn well won't! I won't put up with this anymore. I won't let you treat me like this!"
"Go away! I don't want to speak to you!"
"Sam..."
Jack takes another step into the room, and now he is plain angry. His fists are balled by his sides, and his shoulders are up and back, his body held in rigid lines. Danny lays his hands on his arms but Jack pushes him away with one easy move, sending Danny floorwards. Now it's just me between them. He won't hurt me, he won't, and I know he doesn't want to hurt Sam, he just wants answers. But if he comes a step closer I'll get him with the syringe full of tranquilliser I brought with me in case Sam needed it. But Sam changes the situation. Head buried in her hands she screams at him as sobs rack her body, shoulders rising and falling with every syllable.
"I don't want to speak to you, I don't want to listen to you, and I don't want to look at you ever again!"
Those words reach Jack. They break through that shell of impenetrability rising around him, and all his resolve to get to her and make her listen falters and breaks. I go at once to comfort Sam, shielding her with my body, and when I look up at Jack he is back pedalling, face looking like someone's just kicked his puppy to death. I don't blame him. I know she didn't mean it, she just wanted time, but he thinks she does. He thinks that she just can't stand to be near him, and he looks like he's just lost it all. Danny takes a hold of his arm and leads him away with no trouble. Hardly surprising I think as the door closes gently, I don't think he was in there any more, he'd probably shut himself off from the world at those words of hers. Oh well. First heal Sam, then heal their relationship. First though, first I have to take her to see Hammond. He wants answers.
********************************************
Well.
I had hoped I was wrong, but it now seems that something is going on. I've just had Captain Carter in here, and though she gave me no direct answers, I am no happier than I was an hour ago when they came through the gate. I could have ordered her to tell me, but I didn't want to. I still want to give them the benefit of the doubt. I have to. They are my best team and if all it takes to get my best team back on track is to turn a blind eye for a short while, then Goddam I'll do it. But I still have to hear from the Colonel.
This must be his doing. Captain Carter is too a good officer to start...whatever it is. Not that O'Neill isn't a good officer, just that any trouble when he's in the room generally comes straight from him. Maybe he just pushed things too far with the Captain, God forbid maybe he tried it on with her, or something worse! No. No he's a good man, and I won't even entertain thoughts like that. He would never force her to do anything against her will, but then why is she so broken up? She was all cleaned up when she came to my office, but it was still obvious that she had been crying for a while. That surprised me. Yes, so she's a woman, but time and time again I have seen woman soldiers handle situations way beyond the norm, with not even a hint of a tear. I never believed that woman were too emotional for this business, not for a minute, and Carter certainly backed me up on that. She's been through hell and back with SG-1, and I've known men who would never have been able to handle the aftermath of Jolinar. But she did. She's a calm and strong woman, and remains so even under the worst of conditions.
So it must be something else. Something personal. And to do with the Colonel. Which again leads me to suspect only one thing.
And again, I hope I'm wrong. But I'm beginning to have doubts.
The door opens then, and an airman shows the Colonel in. He doesn't even look up at me as he plonks himself down on the chair. Well. Any thoughts I had about Sam being the only one in pain are quickly dispelled. He looks as though he's been crying just as much as she has. Oh dear. This looks to be getting worse by the minute.
"You want to tell me what this is all about Colonel?"
He looks up at me, and I can tell he'd rather be anywhere else at this moment. Well so would I Colonel, so would I. I'm not enjoying this, not one bit. If this can't be resolved, then I will have to split you up, and is that goes so far as transferring one of you off base, then I will be very unhappy. I can't afford to lose my best team leader with unparalleled off-world travel experience, or my best gate expert. I made that fact very clear to Captain Carter, and now I'll make it very clear to the Colonel.
"Well then, let me tell you what's going to happen. I don't know what is going on between you two, and to be honest, I really don't want to know, especially if it's what I think it is. All I know is that between you, you have managed to turn this base upside down. SG-1 is my best team Colonel, and I won't see it, and the efficient operation of my command go to hell! Do you understand me?"
"Yes sir"
"Colonel...do you think this problem is fixable?"
"I hope so sir"
He does, he really does. I asked Carter this very same question, and for a moment she just looked away. Then she looked me straight in the eye, and gave me the exact same answer. Well. Maybe there is hope. God I'm tired. I am so very tired. I really wonder of there is any point to me having this conversation. They are both adults, and I do expect them to sort this out between themselves. It only became my problem when they brought it to work, and God they did that today.
"Colonel, I really do not want to be having this conversation, I know you can appreciate this fact. Now, I do not want to reprimand either of you for this afternoons behaviour, and so I will overlook it for now as the unfortunate result of frequent rigorous and dangerous off-world action in service of your world, and country. Tempers being frayed and all"
He looks up at me then, a little hopeful. When he came into my office, I really thought he wouldn't have cared less if I'd removed him from active duty then and there. His pride has resurfaced a little during this...talk...and now I can even see a little hope in his eyes.
"But, as from now I want you on extended downtime. I expect you on-base every day however, just so I can keep an eye on you. Captain Carter has requested vacation time, and since she has accrued quite a lot of it, and in light of today's...events...I have granted her request"
That got his full attention. I can tell he wants to ask more, but he knows I'm being lenient, and he knows he's treading a very fine line here.
"That's it Colonel. And while you are both on downtime, you will stay away from her, do you understand?"
"Yes sir"
"You are now dismissed Colonel. And if you try to upset my command again, for this reason or any other, you will be punished. Am I making myself clear?"
"Yes sir"
"Very well. Get the hell out of my sight. I have entrusted Doctor Jackson and Doctor Frasier to be responsible for your behaviour, and any reconciliation's with Captain Carter, if that is what she wants, are only to be carried out in controlled situations with both of them present"
"What?"
"That was Doctor Frasier's recommendations, and her assurance to be responsible for the pair of you is the only reason I am taking no further action. Now get out, and behave yourself for once. If Captain Carter wishes to resolve this, and I'm sure she does, then you two can try and talk this out when she returns to the base. Dismissed!"
He leaves, and manages not to slam the door behind him. Then I hear his footsteps quicken, as he starts to run. He's trying to catch Carter, but she's long gone. She left as soon as she left this office, with the doctor. You're too late Colonel, too late. I hope that wasn't your last chance.
***************************************
"Jack!"
No time.
"Jack!"
Go away!
"Jack, you're too late!"
What? What does he mean I'm too late, what's he talking about? I slow my headlong run to the surface and turn to face Daniel. Spill it Danny boy, spill it...
"She's gone Jack...she's gone"
Gone? What do you mean gone? I saw her just half an hour ago! You mean she's gone home? Fine, then I'll go see her there. I know what Hammond told me, but I have to see her now! I don't want this thing to fester between us, I...I want to see her...even after what she said to me. She didn't mean it...she didn't. I back pedal into the lift as I talk to Danny, and he comes in with me. I slam the button for the surface and it starts to move. Far too slowly. Come on come on...can't this thing go any faster?
"Jack...didn't you hear me?...she's gone?"
The poor guy is standing as far away from me in this small compartment as he can. I don't blame him. I've treated him terribly lately. Especially today. Daniel always gets knocked about, but not usually by his friend. But Sam has to come first. Danny and I can sort out any problems later. Come on!...almost there! Then I'll jump in my car and go find her if she's left already...her locker was empty, so I know she's not here.
The door dings then and opens and I run through. The airman at the door nods as we pass, and I stand at the edge of the car lot, and look for her car. I don't see it. She must have gone home already. I only hope Janet isn't there with her.
"Jack...she's gone!"
"Yeah well...I'll go to her apartment then..." I mutter under my breath.
I go to move away to my car, but Danny lays a hand on my shoulder, and something makes me turn.
"No Jack...she's gone...she's away..."
"What do you mean?"
"She's away, with Janet. Janet took her to the airport"
"The airport?"
"She's gone. She needs time"
"No...no I have to see her, I have to talk to her I...I..."
Danny just looks at me. His eyes full of concern. Well...well mine are full of tears. She's gone. She's gone and she didn't even say goodbye. It's just a vacation isn't it? Isn't it? She'll be back won't she?
"I have to stop her, I'll go to the airport Danny, I'll go right now and I'll..."
He touches me again, and I feel all that urgency fall away from me. I'm too late...I'm too late. What if she never comes back? What if she asks for a transfer? She won't will she?...she won't. She loves me...I know she does. And I love her. I've brought this whole damn situation on myself, by thinking about her a way I shouldn't have. But I just couldn't help it could I? And now the distance between us seems almost unassailable. But I won't give up on her...on us...I won't. I move again, thinking only of home, and Danny reaches out to stop me.
"Let her go Jack...let her go"
He pushes at me, and I sink down onto the stone bench behind me. I feel so defeated. Let her go? Let her go Danny?
"No...Never"
Story Notes: REQUIRED READING: CHOICES 1. One of those days, one of those things, 2. To save us from ourselves, 3. Falling into anger, slipping into hell, 4. Say you know what you want.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]