Don't Teach Good Aliens Bad Habits by Hya Ri

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Story Notes: All Things Questionable: Part I - Spoilers: Tiny for Nightwalkers and Abyss

Season: Six, after sometime between Abyss and Prometheus

Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of MGM, Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. I don't own them, though I've asked Santa on many, many occasions. This fan fiction was created solely for entertainment purposes, no money was made, and no copyright trademark infringement was intended. Everything else is copyrighted to the author.

"Shove it in deeper, Jonas."

"Major Carter, it won't go in anymore."

"Now, press down gently...ah, that's the spot!"

"Like this?"

"Yes," she said approvingly. Then she groaned in frustration. "You can't just pull it out like that!"

"I'm doing the best I can, Major Carter. Please be patient, this is my first time, after all and..."

"Faster!" She demanded. When you engaged in activities like this, you didn't usually have a lot of time to...

"What the HELL are you two doing?!" roared the Colonel.

...Too late.

"Sir!" yelped Carter, jumping up from her crouching position.

"Colonel O'Neill!" said Jonas at the same time, narrowly missing bonking his head against Carter's. The paperclip he was holding fell, clattering on the cement floor.

Jack looked from the paperclip to Carter to Jonas and then back at Carter again. "Major, will you please explain to me what you and Jonas are doing to my office door?"

Carter licked her lips. "Ah, sir," she said nervously, "I was just teaching Jonas how to...um...pick locks, and since your office is one of the few that doesn't use a keycard to open it..."

"You're teaching him *what?!* To pick locks? Pick *my* lock?" The Colonel's face contorted almost comically.

"Only for educational purposes, Colonel O'Neill," Jonas jumped in. Sam dashed him a look that clearly said 'shut up, don't make it worse,' but Jonas ignored it. "It was entirely my fault since I've been asking Major Carter to teach me for a while now...I'll take full responsibility."

Jack glared threateningly at Jonas. "Jonas, go...go do something...far, far away from here. And Major?"

"Yes sir?"

"In my office...NOW!"

"Yes sir."

******

Jonas surveyed the items before him in the commissary. He picked up the banana, then put it back. He considered the chocolate pudding, but it didn't look as appetizing as it usually did. Finally, settling for a bowl of oatmeal, he took his tray towards the table.

Jonas put his tray down with a clank, and sighed heavily.

Teal'c looked up. "What is it that concerns you, JonasQuinn?"

"How do you know I've got something on my mind, Teal'c?" Jonas said, sitting down.

Teal'c shifted his gaze towards the tray. "You have not selected your usual quantity of nourishment."

"Oh. Yeah." Jonas listlessly stirred his oatmeal. Maybe Teal'c could help him understand. "Well, it's just that while Colonel O'Neill is temporarily in charge of the base..."

"While General Hammond is on leave to see his granddaughters of Texas."

"Yes, since he's away, and things are less busy here than normal, Major Carter has taken the opportunity to teach me a few things that she's been promising to do for a while now."

"That is admirable of her."

"Well, yes, it is, but we seem to get in trouble every time she teaches me something. And since the General's out, Colonel O'Neill has been having to reprimand her instead."

Teal'c raised an eyebrow. "I do not believe O'Neill would reprimand MajorCarter without good cause."

"See, that's just it!" Jonas said. "It's my fault that she's getting into trouble, and I feel awful about it. For example, two days ago, Major Carter was showing me the modifications on the Naquadah reactor, like I've been asking her to for weeks now. But I must have touched something wrong because I accidentally set off an electrical discharge that caused the power failure in Sector C. Then Colonel O'Neill came into the lab, very upset, and ordered Major Carter to his office."

"The Naquadah reactor is the domain of MajorCarter, JonasQuinn. It was her responsibility to ensure that all precautions were taken before she demonstrated it to you. O'Neill would not be fulfilling his responsibilities either if he were to let the incident go unreprimanded."

"I guess so..." Jonas slumped, discouraged. "It happened again just now, when she was teaching me how to pick locks. I suppose she's getting an earful from the Colonel right now in his office." He shook his head dejectedly, "And it's all my fault..."

*****

"Carter, get your tongue out of my ear," Jack tried to push Sam away from him, but his heart wasn't really in it.

"Hmmm...why?" he heard against his ear.

"Cause it tickles?" he gasped out, trying to catch his breath.

"Okay." Sam pulled back, though not very far. Jack grinned down at the image she presented - glazed eyes, flushed faced, tousled hair. He grabbed her shoulders, placing her firmly at arm's length, trying to gain some semblance of professionalism. "Now, Carter," Jack said, "Was it very wise to teach Jonas how to pick my lock?"

"There's nothing of value in here, Sir."

"Hey- that's not true..."

"My lab has too many sensitive items, Teal'c's quarters is personal space, let alone that all those places use keycards."

"I've got...stuff in here. Important...stuff."

Sam placed both hands on her hips, looked up at him challengingly. "Like what?"

Jack walked over to his desk and yanked his central drawer open. "Like...this. And this. And let's not forget this," he said, pulling items out of the drawer and laying them on his desk.

Sam looked at him incredulously. "You think it's important to keep a yo-yo, a hockey puck and half-a-pack of gum from falling into enemy hands?"

Jack leaned against the edge of his desk and raised his hands in defense. "Not...enemy hands. Jonas's hands. The man'll eat anything and everything and this pack of gum may be our last remaining ration on the base some day. It's best to be prepared," he said, always the one with the last word.

Shaking her head, Sam joined him at the edge of the desk and stood between his parted legs. "Then I'll make sure that Jonas never gains access to this room," she said, smiling softly, her arms draping around his neck to nudge him closer for a kiss. He widened his stance to bring her body closer, his arms going around her waist of their own accord. His lips lowered to meet hers.

Sweet, he thought.

Long moments passed, and they broke apart, knowing their time was limited.

Jack gazed into Sam's eyes. "This isn't very fair to Hammond," he said soberingly. "We should *especially* not be doing this while he's gone."

"I know," she answered, her eyes mirroring his pain. "He trusts us. But what other choice do we have?" After Jack had made it back from Baal's fortress, they'd both known there *was* no other choice. But she voiced it anyway. "We could stop..."

"No." he said quickly. He looked away, not knowing what else to say. "We'll think of something..." He smiled, trying to lighten the mood, "For now, do you have any more plans to educate Jonas in the ways of all things questionable?"

Sam caught his change in tone gave a wicked smile in return. "I *was* planning to teach him how to ride a motorcycle."

"Oh." Jack sounded disappointed.

"...On base. I'll wager that around 15:00 hours next Tuesday, you'll see someone riding a hog through the corridors of the SGC," Sam said.

Jack perked up. "Now *that* certainly deserves a reprimand..." he smiled widely, "...In my office, of course."

***Fin***

End Notes: But kinda to be continued in Part II - Motorcycle Lessons...

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