The soft crunch of leaves underfoot alerts me to Teal'c's approach. Quietly, he joins me in front of the camp fire, nodding in greeting.
"All is arranged, O'Neill," he states softly, mindful that Carter's still asleep in the tent. "I will begin my watch now."
An amused grin spreads across my face; I still have a hard time believing that he does this for us. "Thanks, Teal'c."
His only response is to raise his eyebrow, but we know each other so well by now that I'm perfectly aware of how pleased he is with himself.
With no further words, I leave him to his watch and duck into the tent, careful not to trip over Carter. Kneeling down, I gently shake her shoulder until she awakens.
In the darkness, her eyes gleam. "It's time?"
"Yeah."
Earlier she'd lain down fully clothed, so she merely yawns and then takes my outstretched hand as she gracefully rises to her feet. As we leave the tent, she smiles in Teal'c's direction but says nothing. Her hand in mine, I lead her in the direction from which Teal'c came earlier, knowing that I'll find evidence of his handiwork soon enough.
Normally, we wouldn't do this while off-world, but we'd been on missions nonstop for almost a month now. Sam's had enough work to keep her busy that any chances for me to see her away from the SGC have been few and far between, and that's not even counting all the late evenings I've been putting in with paperwork. Also, Quinn's been coming with us on more missions than usual lately, and we haven't yet told him about our relationship, although I wouldn't be surprised if he already knew.
Quinn is still adjusting to life on Earth. Much like Teal'c, doing his part to save his world meant that he had to abandon his place there. It's hard on him. Especially since he can tell that the rest of SG-1 is a family, and he isn't yet part of that. Probably, one day he will be. But until then, he sees how Teal'c and Sam and I have drawn even closer together and knows that he's still alone.
And I wonder sometimes if part of Daniel's legacy will be that Jonas Quinn always holds himself apart from us, aware that his arrival coincided with our friend's departure. Daniel's ascension has had profound repercussions for all of us.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The near-disaster of a mission to rescue Thor had made me see the wisdom of Carter's insistence that SG-1 needed some down time, even if I hadn't wanted to admit it at first. I'd told her and Teal'c about it at dinner that evening, as we all picked at our food in an unusually subdued manner. Hammond had agreed and told me not to report back for two weeks. Unspoken, but clearly implied, was his opinion that I'd been an absolute idiot for trying to keep the team on active duty in the first place.
The next morning I took off for Minnesota. It would be a long drive, but I'd done it before. I needed some place peaceful to clear my mind and reconcile myself to what had happened.
One of my best friends was gone. Not dead, but so completely changed that his former life could no longer contain him. Daniel might see us again, but things could never be the same.
*So, Daniel, are you and Oma Desala having fun, hanging around the galaxy and seeing the sights?* God, I could just imagine the conversations we'd have. Or rather, I couldn't. He'd be even further over my head than usual.
Teal'c had gone to visit Bra'tac, and Carter had mumbled something about a road trip on her motorcycle. The memory of her stricken face stayed with me for most of the drive.
I should have insisted that they both come with me, but I think we were all too much in shock for such a sensible idea to occur to me at a moment when I could actually do something about it.
Arriving at the cabin, I threw myself into activity with almost frantic abandon; as if by weatherproofing the windows and eaves, I could banish the past week's events from my mind. It was still winter, but an unusually balmy one, and I was lucky enough to have some dry weather for my work.
Two days later, Sam showed up.
The rumble of a motorcycle was a complete surprise. I looked up from where I was replacing some boards on the dock to see Carter coming up the road. Turning off the bike, she removed her helmet and looked at me directly, an expression of wariness and resolve on her face.
It was an aspect of her that shocked me. Yes, the past year had been hard on Carter. She'd lost a lot of people, and Daniel had been the last straw. Her anger with me before our final mission had been unusual, but not surprising, because Daniel was always able to bring out her emotional side.
But around me, in personal matters, she'd maintained an absolute poker face for so long that I wasn't sure what was in store for me. I'd been dealing with Major Carter, the consummate professional. I had no idea what to do with Sam. Well, I knew what I would like to do, but what should be done was another matter entirely.
"Carter."
"Colonel." She swung herself off the bike and walked towards me, stopping a few yards away, hunching her shoulders against the cool wind.
I did my best to play things casual. "So, I always knew you'd see this place one day. Can't say the fishing's very good this time of year, though."
Her lips twitched slightly. "Guess not."
I cocked my head towards the cabin. "You want to come in?"
She nodded silently and followed me inside, shrugging her jacket off and hanging it on a hook beside the door. Gracefully, she strode up to the fireplace, holding her hands up to the heat.
The entire scene had a distinct air of unreality to it. I'd wanted her to come here with me for ages, but now that she was were, I had no idea what to do.
"Carter, why are you here?" Might as well be direct.
She shrugged enigmatically. "I was planning on going south," she said softly. "But it's like I just headed here on instinct." Cracking her knuckles, she dropped into one of the armchairs. "And it's probably a really bad idea, and you probably don't want to, but I need to talk to you."
Surreptitiously, I slid one hand into my pocket and pinched my leg. No, I was still awake. Alarm bells clamored inside my head. "What about?"
Her mouth twisted in bitterness. "Daniel's gone," she said bleakly. "I sat beside his bed while he was dying and tried to tell him... I waited too long," she muttered, shaking her head. "I don't know if he even heard me. And now I keep thinking--"
"What?" My query came sharply. Had she come all this way to berate me for my way of handling Daniel's death? Was that all there was to her being here?
Her shoulders straightened, and she looked me dead in the eyes, with more emotion than I'd seen directed towards me since Freya pulled the bottom out of our worlds. "At the SGC, people die. It's part of the job," she said, echoing my words back to me. "But our team had always survived. And maybe after a while I told myself that as long as we were all together, there was still a chance. There was still hope that we could win this war, that some day we'd have normal lives."
"And now you don't think that." Hell, I could certainly relate.
She frowned in that familiar way, a grimace that meant she was desperately trying not to cry. "Daniel's gone," she repeated. "He might not be dead, but he won't be coming back to us. I've been waiting, telling myself to hold back because keeping the team together meant more than having everything I wanted. But we're never going to be the same way again. And I'm sick of waiting."
"Waiting," I said softly, almost to myself. "What do you want, Carter?" I was almost afraid to ask.
Steeling herself, she bit her lips, then sat forward in her chair. "I still love you, Jack."
*That* was certainly direct. My heart started racing so quickly I thought I'd pass out. I'd long since given up hoping that I'd ever hear those words from her.
I swallowed several times, and I must have had a dumbfounded look on my face because she continued with a hint of exasperation. "I don't know if I've waited too long and you no longer feel that way about me or not, Jack. And if not, then we'll let this drop, or hell, you could bring me up on charges if you want. But--" her voice faltered momentarily, then steadied, "I had to tell you. I waited until it was too late to let Daniel know how much his friendship meant to me. I didn't want to make the same mistake with you."
I took a sip of coffee in the mug on the table in front of me, not caring that it had been cold for hours. "I'm... surprised, Sam," I said finally. "I guess I'd thought that you were over me. You were always so--"
"Professional?" she quipped, her eyes shadowed.
"Yeah," I agreed. "You had things so much in control. I had no idea you still had feelings for me."
A bitter laugh forced itself from her lips. "Because I didn't drop everything to go fishing with my commanding officer? Or flirt with you?" She ran her fingers through her tousled hair. "I feel a lot of things that I don't show. It doesn't mean that I don't care. But I pretended that I didn't feel like I did because it hurt too much, not being able to do anything about the situation. You should understand that, especially since it's exactly how *you're* dealing with Daniel's leaving us."
*Ouch.* "Good point," I said blankly.
"So?"
"What?" I stood up and walked over to the fire in a daze. Obviously, she wanted some sort of reply; but my brain was still stuck on the fact that she still cared for me when I'd thought for almost a year that she'd given up on us, and couldn't be bothered with forming a coherent
response.
She flung up her hands in frustration. "So can I at least have some sort of reaction from you besides a stone-faced stare, Jack? God! Have I come here just to humiliate myself? Are you going to say that you just want to be friends, or that you don't think you can work with me anymore?" When I still said nothing, she stood up as well, and touched my shoulder, turning me to face her. "Damn it, Jack, can't you at least--"
My brain kicked into overdrive, letting me know exactly what the best course of action was. I shut her up the best way I knew. Moments later, when she pulled back from my lips to gasp for air, she scowled at me. "You'd have just let me keep babbling on and making an idiot of myself, wouldn't you?"
Wrapping my arms around her, I pulled her down into a chair with me. "Probably. But you already knew I have a great many personal flaws." There was a spot on the side of her neck that needed urgent attention, and was much more important than words.
A soft moan was my reward as I nipped at her skin. "We're going to get into so much trouble for this, Jack," she whispered.
"It'll be worth it," I replied, cupping her face in my hands. "I love you, Sam."
And then, in that moment before we surrendered to the need we had for each other, and she showed me exactly how much passion had been hiding beneath her cool exterior, Sam gave me the most beautiful smile I'd ever seen.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Note to self: when avowing eternal brotherhood with a friend from another planet, find out what cultural customs are regarding that brother's meddling in one's love life.
It took some getting used to but it doesn't really bother me anymore, and Sam thinks it's sweet. On Chulak, brothers do all they could to facilitate a happy family life for each other, and Teal'c takes his responsibilities seriously. He'd found out that Sam and I were disregarding regulations within a month of our trip to Minnesota, and he sprang into action at once.
If he ever decides to get married again, he'll expect me to do the same for him. As it is, I've gone shopping a few times in Colorado Springs for trinkets that he can take to his ex-wife when he visits their son.
But since Teal'c stays on base most of the time, his helpfulness is most apparent when we're on a mission. And this one fit the criteria perfectly: an uninhabited planet, a mineral and environmental survey, and just the three of us with no one around who could find out something
that should be kept secret.
There's enough moonlight that we can easily see the path in front of us, and I glimpse another campfire about a hundred yards away. Within minutes, we arrive and inspect our camp away from camp.
A bedroll has been carefully spread over a layer of leaves and grasses. On a piece of wood at the foot of the blankets sit two cans of soda -- diet for her, citrus for me. Sam's favorite candy bar lies beside the drinks, along with a few pieces of fruit, obviously smuggled in Teal'c's pack. The crowning touch is a small bundle of flowers placed on our pallet.
Sam chuckles softly, then pulls me down onto the blankets to sit beside her. Automatically, my arm wraps around her shoulders, and I bend my cheek to touch her hair, breathing in the faint hint of perfume.
"First-class accommodations, indeed," she murmurs, leaning in closer against me. I can't help but laugh in reply. It isn't the Ritz, but Teal'c's setup has some of the comforts of home, with none of the prying eyes we'd have to be looking out for.
Her cool fingers slide into my waistband, working their way under my shirt. For a moment, I hold still, barely breathing as anticipation courses through me. Then, wrapping my arms around her, I throw myself back on our pallet, smiling as she shrieks in surprise.
* * * *
I slowly awaken from a light doze, opening my eyes to see Sam lying on her side, looking at me with unutterable tenderness.
Smiling, I smooth a hand along her shoulder, still basking in the aftermath of our lovemaking. "How long have I been asleep?"
"Maybe an hour." She looks up at the stars. "Probably at least another two or three hours until sunrise."
"Mmm hmm." I sigh, taking her in my arms again. Nestling her head against my shoulders, she yawns softly and shivers as my fingers trace a random pattern down her spine.
"Jack?" she asks quietly.
"Yeah?"
"Tell me a story," she requests, looking up at me as I prop myself up on an elbow.
"Okay, love," I murmur, newly astounded by how beautiful she looks in the moonlight. "I've thought up another one."
"Good," she grins, as I settle into the blankets to fulfill one of our traditions.
"I want you to imagine the SGC," I tell her quietly, "where the NID never tried to push their own agenda. It's a place where the Goa'uld were defeated long before we ever learned of them, and the universe is a place full of wonders. The public knows about the program because there's no need to keep it a secret. The people we meet are friendly, and we're able to resolve any differences of opinion peacefully and without bloodshed. And you and I get paid to go exploring through the stars. There's too many inventions out there to count, and you can tinker with as many of them as you like for as long as you like."
"And what about you? What will grab your interest on these interstellar jaunts?"
"See, that's the really great thing. On all these worlds, the inhabitants are either devoted hockey fans or fishermen," I assure her as she explodes with laughter. Pressing a kiss against her throat, I continue. "We're always together. And everyone knows, and no one has a problem with it. We don't have to hide."
"It sounds perfect," she says huskily.
"It is. And that's not even the best part." She raises her eyebrows inquiringly, and I spin my tale even further. "At the end of each day, we go home with our family."
"Kids?"
I blink, clearing my eyes, my heart aching at the subdued longing in her voice. "Yes. A son -- he's three years old, and an absolute handful. And a daughter, still just a baby. She has your eyes." I can picture them both, conjuring them up in my dreams. "We pick them up from daycare -- did I mention that the SGC has a five-star daycare facility for its personnel?" Sam laughs softly, and I grin, picturing Hammond chasing toddlers down the hallways. "The back seat of our car is littered with stale Cheerios and toys. And we go home, have dinner, and play with our children. Our daughter likes to chew on anything she can reach. All my shirts have worn spots because when I hold her, she grabs a handful of fabric and gnaws on it for all she's worth. And our son likes puzzles and stuffed animals and cars and blocks. The den looks like a toy explosion went off before the evening's done."
Sam closes her eyes, and the slightest flicker of pain washes across her face. Within moments, it's gone. "Do we ever get the kids to sleep?" she asks, forcing a note of humor into her voice.
"Yes. We've been blessed with children who are healthy, happy, eat their vegetables without argument, never throw tantrums, and sleep through the night." Hell, if they're fictional, they're damned well going to be well-behaved, right? "After we've given them their baths and bedtime stories, we tuck them in, and have a few hours quiet before we have to go to sleep. And then," I tell her, raining kisses across her face, "we go to bed, and make love, and sleep. And we never worry about bad dreams, because our life has everything in it we could possibly want or need."
Clasping my hand in hers, Sam pulls me down into her embrace, and for untold minutes we lie still. In the quiet, I can feel her heart beating, then a slight hitch in her breathing. "I like that one," she finally tells me.
Her voice is rough, with a hint of tears beneath the surface. When I raise my head to look at her, I see tears welling in her eyes, and for a moment her expression clearly shows all the conflicts and unfulfilled dreams that encompass our relationship. And I feel the same way. I hate having to hide the fact that I love her. I want to scream it out over the intercom so all of Cheyenne Mountain knows. Then, she sniffs, blinks quickly, and the moment passes, her courage and resolution strong and intact. With a heart stopping smile, she softly tells me, "We'd better get a bit more sleep. I've set the alarm on my watch."
"Okay." I lie back into the blankets and draw her back against me. "I love you, Sam."
"Love you," she replies, and within minutes her breathing takes on the measured rhythm of sleep.
Looking up at the alien sky, rest eludes me despite my fatigue. Fairy tales. That's what I've told her. Something we wish for but won't happen. Something children tell themselves to ward off the fear of reality.
Neither of us wanted to break the fraternization regulations but inevitably we came to the point where whatever shame we felt by doing so was eclipsed by the unbearable need to be with each other.
Sam risks everything, being with me. It's not something I take lightly. And in penance for our sins, we maintain the facade of professionalism at work. As much as it would destroy me for her to be injured or killed in the line of duty, we continue to risk each other in the field. We can't protect each other above anyone else we work with. I can't hold her life in higher esteem than our fellow soldiers.
Pondering the scenario I came up with earlier, my heart aches fiercely. We're not going to have happily ever after. We'll fight where we must, and someday one or both of us will die. Or we'll be found out, and disgraced. Our luck won't hold out forever.
The joy we have in each other -- this isn't how we'll end. This is borrowed time.
Closing my eyes and praying for sleep, I'm still amazed that this extraordinary, vibrant woman loves me. She feels enough for me to risk her career and her life to fight by my side, to give up the chance we might have had for a normal life.
*Sam, my beautiful, fierce, beloved Sam...* I want to give you the ending you deserve. Hearts and flowers, children, prosperity, happiness. Happily every after. And it's never going to happen. This road we're on is paved with good intentions, leading us inexorably to disgrace or death.
*But I'll love you for every last step of the journey.*
fin.
Fairy Tales by AC1
Story Notes: Email: acheek@insightbb.com
Archive: SJA, Helio, my site
Season/Sequel info: season 6
Spoilers: Meridian and Revelations
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognized characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the
author.
Author's Notes: Thanks to Ann for beta-reading and dealing with the fact that I love commas not wisely but too well. ;) Feedback is the only payment I'll get for writing this story, so won't you send me some?
Copyright March 2002, A. Cheek.
Archive: SJA, Helio, my site
Season/Sequel info: season 6
Spoilers: Meridian and Revelations
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognized characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the
author.
Author's Notes: Thanks to Ann for beta-reading and dealing with the fact that I love commas not wisely but too well. ;) Feedback is the only payment I'll get for writing this story, so won't you send me some?
Copyright March 2002, A. Cheek.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]