samandjack.net

Story Notes: E-MAIL: glen@melbourne.net

ARCHIVE: S&J and Heliopolis please (and please and please and please!)

companion piece to 'Home' (yes you need to have read that one before this)

WARNINGS: S/J UST

SPOILERS: '100 Days', 'Shades of Grey'

FEEDBACK: Yes please!!!!

AUTHOR'S NOTES: Okay, well I've done it again.. I've gone and become inspired. Unfortunately, for some reason this was a harder write. Whether that's because I haven't seen the episode yet I'm not sure.. but.. umm.. please forgive! It's not my fault my muse isn't allowing me to do my solid mechanics assignment until I get this out! It's blackmail I tell you! Blackmail! :)

The title has very little to do with anything, but.. it just seemed appropriate! *shrugs*

Just a short one! Enjoy!


Sometimes, I really hate my job.

Don't get me wrong, nobody ever said the Air Force would be a *picnic*.. they said it would be tough, a challenge.. I knew it would be.. that's why I joined in the first place. Protect the nation, keep the peace and all that. Iraq, Russia.. they all fell under the same bracket.. 'tough'. Damn tough. Tough to survive and a challenge to keep your head on straight while doing it. Nobody ever said anything about fairy floss and ice-cream.

But I don't remember anyone saying anything about being trapped on a planet with no hope of rescue either.

Millions of miles from home.

Three months ago, this.. the SGC.. was my home.. with little side-trips to my 'house' now and again to keep me in touch with reality. The corridors were my hallways.. the mess hall my kitchen.. the locker rooms my bathroom.. my quarters my bedroom.. the rec room my lounge. Everyone.. everyone who worked here.. they were my friends. SG-1 was my family.

And in the space of three seconds, all of it was gone. I was left with a useless buried Stargate on a remote planet with a bunch of villagers who probably would have been happier if I was buried along with it.

I was left with nothing.

Sure, if I bothered to try, I could remember my first few days on Edora. I'm not sure I want to, though. Although the memories aren't easily accessible, the feelings are. I'm not sure I want to go through that again. I'm not God's gift to intelligence. When that Stargate went under, *all* my hopes of returning home were shot to hell. I knew nothing about space travel, or hyperdrive super duper warp coil faster-than-light speed. As far as I was concerned, I was *never* going home. My old life was gone, and that scared the hell out of me.

One of the most important rules in any soldier's life.. never show your weaknesses. As soon as the word 'fear' entered my mind, I went straight into damage control. I'm a bottler by nature, and I knew what I had to do to get on with my life.

I had to forget.

It was hard. For the first two weeks, the memories were vivid. They drove me nuts. Here and there, my mind would throw glimpses my way of pizza and poker nights, drinking with my friends, taking Cassie to school, checking in on Daniel in the infirmary *again*, laughing with Janet at his clumsiness. Every time I saw a rock I thought of Daniel, bending over it, studying it as if it was the meaning to life itself, then trying to convince me it *was*. Every time I heard a cliche I thought of Teal'c, trying his best to figure out how the hell we work this English language thing. No, the first two weeks weren't just hard. They were *Goddamn* torture.

But as time went on, the memories of my old life.. of the SGC.. became disjointed and dulled. What I remembered as vivid, crisp images became fuzzy around the edges.. just that little bit less detailed.. that little bit less *real*.. almost as sketchy as those first few moments after a dream. I was finally beginning to forget.

I would've done fine, I could've forgotten.. moved on on my own..

If it wasn't for the fact that every time I saw someone smile, heard someone laugh.. felt the warmth of the sun on my face..

I thought of Sam.

Even after three months, *that* image never dulled.

I didn't think much beyond that. I didn't even allow myself to consider *why* I had so much trouble forgetting her. Considering it would be admitting a weakness. SG-1 may have been my weak link, but Carter.. I knew she was more than that. She was a break in the chain. She was a *missing* link.

You can't repair something that's missing.

But you can replace it.

And that's what I'd done. After three months, I had needed a new life, and I knew I couldn't do that on my own. Lara had offered it to me. A life, a family.. a home. She had done it so whole-heartedly I wasn't really sure how to take it. But I *had* taken it. I was ready to build my new life.. build my new home.

That's the problem with the notion of 'home'. It's too Goddamn subjective.

I had stopped associating my old friends with the SGC.. I had to.. I had to to keep myself sane. When Teal'c had come through the Stargate, it was like seeing a long lost friend. Oh I was happy.. I was bouncing off the walls.. but only to *see* him. I didn't really think about going home.

Until I saw Carter.

My link to my old home.

My trained response was to go to her.. to Daniel, and I was standing next to her before I really realised what I was doing.. what was really happening. I guess that's when the realisation finally dawned on me - 'home' was being taken away again. My head was swimming with conflicting thoughts, clashing emotions. Confused doesn't even *begin* to describe it. Panic, yes.. I think *panic* could be a start. I needed something to steady me, to keep me grounded.

So I went to what I recognised now as 'home'.

I went to Lara.

I look up as the door to Hammond's office opens and a Lieutenant hurries out. I stand but the young man shakes his head at me before disappearing through another door. With a sigh I slump back into my seat.

I'm back, but so many things here feel foreign to me. The corridors, once my hallways, are now just an ant's nest of metal tubing. The mess hall, rec room, even the locker room don't have the same familiarity I know I once saw in them. My fatigues scratch against my skin like sandpaper. It's almost *too* foreign.

Almost..

I reach into my pocket and pull out a scrunched plastic wrapper, smoothing it out to look at it for what I'm sure is the tenth time today.

'Caseys Caramel Fudge'

I can ask myself now why I found her so hard to forget, but the answer is fairly obvious. There's very little point in dissecting something I already know the answer to. In a way, I'm angry that I've allowed myself to be thrown so off-course by *one* person. In another, I'm glad.

I'm damn glad.

Despite all the differences I see around me.. all the strangers and the oddities around the place, I still know I'm home.

I know because she brought me here.

Frowning, I close my eyes and scrunch the wrapper in my fist once again, pressing it to my chest. I hurt her yesterday. She had come towards me with that beaming smile of hers, and I had walked away. She had spent almost every night for the last three months fighting to get me home, and I had walked away from her. Last night.. last night I noticed for the first time how damn hard she had fought. I felt first-hand how light she's become because of it. And even semi-conscious, she still felt she had something to prove to me.

The door opens for the second time, and another man strides out, followed by a man I recognise as Lieutenant Higgs, who looks at me and smiles.

"He's free now, Colonel."

I stand and nod to Higgs, then proceed to the door.

I owe Sam.. so much, and after this meeting with Hammond.. I'll go, and I'll tell her.

Smiling to myself, I return the wrapper to my pocket, pat it reassuringly, and walk into Hammond's office.

"Jack. Come in."

"Sir?"

"I have a very.. delicate matter to discuss with you."

"Yes sir."

"It appears there is a mole in the SGC."

"A *mole*?"

"You have been assigned to find out who it is. I'll give you a full briefing later, but for now, all I can tell you is that you're going to be forced into early retirement."

"WHAT!?" I blurt out.

Hammond smiles and shakes his head.

"It's okay Colonel, it's only temporary. Your deteriorating attitude will force you there."

I start. My deteriorating *what*?

"But-"

"Listen, I can't give you the details now. This is just a meeting to put some wheels in motion. While the mission itself is a few weeks off, I need it to be realistic. I need you to start now. Nobody is to know about this but you."

I look at him in shock.

"Yes Colonel, this is your opportunity to act like a total bastard for a few weeks, and you don't get into trouble for it.. well not any *real* trouble, anyway. And you do have to be convincing. *Everyone* has to notice."

He is looking at me as if I'm supposed to smile and laugh and take the mission with grace. I can't. How can he expect me to do that. I can't do it. I can't do it to her. I can't-

'Never show your weaknesses...'

Oh, Jesus. I squeeze my eyes shut and my hand moves back to my pocket. Shooting him a false smile, I nod.

"Yes sir."

"Okay Colonel, Dismissed."

I close the door behind me and lean heavily against it, blowing out a sigh. My chin falls against my chest.

I'm sorry Sam.

I pull out the fudge wrapper and stare at it. Then, smoothing it out for the last time, I toss it into the bin.

Sometimes, I really *hate* my job.




THE END



End Notes: What are you looking at me for?? I *refuse* to believe he'd chose to not talk to her! *stomps foot* I *refuse*!!!

:)

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