She’s broken now, just like him.
The doctor had decided to keep her under observation for a night, even if the trauma inflicted by Fifth was more psychological than physical. Not much difference, if you asked him.
He’d known what had happened the second they'd found her on the Asgard planet. Funny how the broken recognised each other. He'd reached for her in a gesture that was too intimate, needing to know that it wouldn’t eat her whole.
Something had been missing from her eyes, something he badly wanted to give back to her. She wouldn’t give up her search for it easily and accept that she would never be whole again. He knew this from personal experience.
He’d been particularly stubborn about it himself after he'd finally made it out of Iraq. He'd spent nights in a crowded hospital ward, body broken, trying to convince himself that they hadn’t been able to take it away from him. He still wasn’t sure what it was; he just knew it wasn’t there anymore.
She stirred in her sleep and rolled over onto her back. Her breathing changed and slowly her eyes opened, staring up towards the ceiling as she struggled to break loose from the blackness of a drug-induced sleep.
“Sir?” She tripped over the word and tried to wet her lips.
“Carter.” He reached for the glass of water that had been left on the bedside table.
Sam struggled to sit up, and nodded gratefully as he placed the glass in her hands when she finally found a comfortable position. Taking small sips, she steadily emptied it. As she was about to put it back on the table, he took it from her hands.
“Thanks.” She gave him a small smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes.
“Sure.” He stared down at glass. It warmed as he rolled it between his palms. He shouldn’t even be here, doubted he was the person to talk to her now that the adrenaline surge had faded and reality came crashing down on them. Then again, Daniel would never understand this and Teal’c had a very different way of handling these things. “How...?” He broke off, realising how lame that sounded.
“How am I?” She finished his question. Jack caught her eyes for a second. Not liking what he saw there, he quickly looked away. “Fine, sir.”
The standard reply.
“Liar.” It slipped out, harsher than he intended.
He regretted the word as he saw her flinch. She quickly recovered, hiding the surprise behind the ever present façade of the Major. “What do you want me to say, sir?” He recognised the cool professional voice she usually used on missions where she really didn’t agree with him.
“This isn’t about me, Carter.”
“Isn’t it?”
He whipped his head back up in surprise at her words. “No.”
“You feel guilty.” She concluded, still using that same tone, void of emotions.
“Well yeah.”
She laughed, but it sounded strange and not like Carter at all. “Believe it or not, not everything is about you.”
He really wasn’t sure where this conversation was going but he sensed the tension under her words. It was written in the way her fingers clutched the white, crisp sheets and the set of her jaw. “I know that.” He paused and studied her profile. “You’re angry.”
“No, sir.”
“No?” He raised an eyebrow.
“There’s hardly any point in that, is there?” She sounded slightly exasperated now, the cool control slipping slowly.
“Since when do you need to have a point to be pissed off?” He shrugged. “Besides, being tortured seems as good a reason as any.”
He watched her, knowing that everyone had been tiptoeing around the issue. Her eyes were fixed on the wall in front of her, her jaw was tense and he could see the muscles working.
“Carter...”
She closed her eyes and it seemed to take a lot of her energy when she spoke next. “Sir, perhaps it would be best if you just left.”
“Sorry, no can do.” He could be annoying if that would get her to open up.
“Sir, just...” She sighed and shook her head.
“Just what?”
“You don’t understand.” She seemed tired now, drained.
“Why don’t you try me?” It had to be bad if he was starting to use clichés.
She didn’t respond, just lay back down on the pillow and seemed to ignore him.
Sighing, he moved his chair closer to the bed. “You have to let it go. I know. I’ve been there. I’ve held on to it for years. I don’t recommend it, Carter.”
She didn’t respond and he was about to reach for her when she suddenly turned towards him. The anger in her eyes caught him off guard and he pulled back from her.
“Don’t you dare play the psychiatrist here. If you hadn’t given that order to betray Fifth, he would never have turned on us.” Sam glared at him accusingly.
“You don’t know that,” He said so softly, needing her to be wrong.
“We never gave him a chance.” She took a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling once more, visibly struggling to keep her emotions under control. “I defended you, I defended the decision and our actions. I don’t think he understood.”
“Did you expect him to?”
“No, not really.” She sighed and turned her head again to look at him. She seemed calmer now, slumping further into the pillows. “He thinks he loves me and blames me for betraying him.” The anger seemed to have left her and the sadness in her voice caught his attention.
He leaned closer to the bed. “And you think he’s right.”
She closed her eyes and nodded.
His hands gripped the side of the bed to keep himself from touching her. He doubted if he would have ever forgiven Cromwell if it wasn’t for that damn black hole incident. Now he knew the guilt Cromwell had lived with. “We did what we had to do. I made a decision that I thought was the best one and you followed my orders. There is no going back and there is no use in reminiscing about it because we can’t change it.” He swallowed and let go of the unyielding iron bar. Her skin felt too hot as he carefully placed his finger on her wrist to get her full attention.
Slowly, her eyes opened and he knew no one would ever be able to give her back what she had lost. “You weren’t the one who made the mistake.”
It was the only comfort he had to offer her but it wasn’t enough, not nearly. Her eyes closed once more and she nodded in acceptance.
“Go to sleep, Carter.” He drew his hand away and sat back, letting the uncharacteristic silence of the infirmary envelop them.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]