There was very little that Jack could do once they brought Sam back to Earth. She was healthy and awake, if not a little on the depressed side. He watched helplessly as she moved through the halls to the infirmary to get checked on by Janet. Even if there had been something for him to do, Jack wasn't so sure that he would have been able to do it. He was captivated by the circles under her eyes, the lethargy that her movements reflected and the complete sense of loss that radiated from every pore of her body.
It seemed to suck everything that made Jack alive into its gravitational pull.
Listlessly he walked through the halls to his office, his numb fingers trailing along the rough walls as he turned corners and mindlessly passed open doors. In a feat that he would be surprised with later, Jack made his way to his office without once blinking, without talking to another officer and without remembering any of his journey.
Slumping into his chair, Jack leaned back, his tired hands rising to scrub his equally tired face, feeling the days of stubble and the stretch of dry and dirty skin. He sighed. He had to desire at all to move from this chair until he heard that Carter had left base.
Why he didn't want to see her, he couldn't and didn't want to analyze.
During the last day he had found himself wondering as to Raine's condition. Four months ago, he wouldn't have cared what it was that the Tok'ra did to maintain themselves, but now, after living, eating and breathing the same air as one on a voluntary basis, he wanted Raine to be okay. He found that he thought about different times that he had talked with her, argued with her and that she was nothing like Sam, but would have done anything to make Sam happy. Raine had done something that he had never thought possible.
Jack O'Neill cared what happened to the symbiote.
Even as the host was no longer an issue in this situation, Jack wanted to know what had happened to Raine.
Hours passed with him in his office occasionally working, but more often than not, time found him sitting slouched forward in his chair, his head buried in his hands as he thought about… everything.
Sighing heavily, Jack looked up at his clock and knew with a certainty that she would no longer be on base. He stood up and planned to make himself scarce also.
***
Five days had passed since they had taken Torin into captivity, and not one member of SG-1 was in the mood to resume their duties. Jack found that General Hammond was exceptionally graceful with the situation, considering they had spent two of the last three and a half months on their asses.
Jack found himself sitting in the General's office, ready to give his usual bi-weekly report on some of the base teams. One of the side effects of not being in the field, and not wanting to talk or interact with anything remotely alive, meant that Jack had plenty of time to throw himself into work that he normally would have avoided like the plague. So here he was, with more than usually thoroughness sitting in his lap as he waited for Hammond to finish his phone call.
Suddenly the klaxons sounded and Simmons' voice echoed through the cement walls, warning of an unscheduled incoming traveller. With a quick glace to the General, Jack was out the door and down the stairs into the control room.
"Lieutenant?"
Simmons, who normally looked intimidated, glanced wide-eyed at the brusque Colonel before informing him that he was receiving the Tok'ra IDC.
"Open it up." Jack said as he turned heel and headed down the few short stairs to the Gate room. He stopped at the base of the ramp for anyone to emerge from the event horizon.
Jacob and another that he had never seen before appeared on to the metal ramp. Jack narrowed his eyes and suddenly had a feeling that he wasn't going to like what it was that they were here for.
The unfamiliar Tok'ra spoke first.
"It is good to see you, Colonel."
Jack stared open-mouthed for a second before he blinked in recognition. A small smile appeared.
"Raine. It's good to see you… well." He added smoothly before turning to Jacob. "Hey, Jacob."
"Jack." He glanced at Raine standing beside him before looking back at Jack. "Is Sam here?"
Jack sighed and cast his gaze to the floor. "She's, uh… she's at home. I haven't seen her since we've gotten back."
It was probably a good thing that Jack couldn't meet Jacob's eyes, because the recrimination that he would have found would have only cause him more guilt as to the situation. Raine stepped in smoothly.
"Could you take me to her, Jack?"
That Raine used his first name didn't go amiss with Jack, but he found that he really didn't care. On top of all the things that had been going on in the last week, it's seemed inconsequential to his life. Besides, he felt like now, he could stand her using it.
"Uh…" he hedged. He didn't know if he really wanted to be within the same city block as her. Just knowing that she was nearby, in pain and he wouldn't be able to do anything about it drove home his inability to love her properly.
"Jack."
Just his name; just a word; but it seemingly made him nod his head in acquiescence and he gestured up to the conference room. He hadn't made this decision, and he wasn't in control of his movements, but they were apparently to Raine's liking.
"How bout you wait up in the conference room and I'll go get my stuff. I'm sure General Hammond would be happy to see you." He watched them as they disappeared out of the door on their left and he turned out to the right.
He couldn't seem to ignore the deep hole of doubt that seemed to be sucking his existence dry.
***
"Can you wait Jack?"
Jack's eyes furrowed as he looked up at the darkened house. She might not even be home.
"She's home. Can you wait?"
Jack huffed in exasperation. That snake knew him too well. He shook his head in resignation.
"Yeah, Raine. I'll wait." He reached forward to shut off the ignition and then settled back to watch as Raine ascended the stairs and rang the doorbell.
Jack could see the door open, and for an instant he thought that Sam was going to slam the door in her face, but felt an unjustified rush of pride as it swung wider and he smiled at Raine as she made her way inside and closed the door.
***
"Oh, God…" Sam sighed a she sank back onto the couch. She wanted desperately to think that that person standing now in her living room was anyone but Raine, but she knew with a certainty that that snake wouldn't have left her alone to fester for too long.
That was one of the disadvantages to having someone know you inside and out.
"Samantha, my host would like to speak to you for a moment, but then… well, she'll explain it to you."
Sam closed her eyes, pain and regret washing over her in an intensity that startled her. She held her breath.
"Major Carter…" the Tok'ra caught her breath and then continued. "My name is Tamar." Sam listened as the Tok'ra stood there in silence, and as much as she knew that etiquette dictated a response from her, Sam remained silent. The words continued. "I can't begin to say that I sympathise with your loss, because frankly, I cannot. However, you have given me what I feel I have been called to do, and for that I am eternally grateful." Sam heard a harsh intake of breath and she buried her chin into her shoulder, her eyes screwing shut in consternation.
Nothing like hearing about someone's appreciation for you loss, she thought grimly.
"To that end, I am within your debt. I have talked with Raine in great earnestness as to what it could be that I could do for you…" Muffled shuffling of Tok'ra clothing echoed in the silent room, but Sam refused to look up. "I am going to allow Raine to completely suppress me, Major Carter. I am giving you an opportunity to say goodbye without the embarrassment of someone else watching and listening."
Sam head snapped up and caught the Tok'ra's gaze, surprised at the idea.
"I'm sorry?"
Tamar paused, hesitant in her words. "Raine has told me some of you, but she is very sensitive, and I have not pushed. However, she is disturbed and upset that…" Again, Tamar paused and then rushed forward. "She feels that she has abandoned you. I do not want to intrude on you, for you shared something different that I cannot begin to understand. Please… please allow me to do this for you."
Tamar's eyes pleaded silently with her as she sat on the couch, fifteen feet away.
Sam caved.
"Thank you, Tamar."
A grateful smile emerged and slowly, for several second, Sam watched as Raine took over her completely. Sam flinched as her eyes flashed upon looking up.
"Tamar is very grateful that you have accepted her gift, Samantha." Raine's voice was gentle and soft, though it was her voice and not that of the host. She sighed. "I have spent the last five days wondering at your recovery and was happy to hear that you had no ill side effects from the Goa'uld's ribbon device."
Sam watched Raine, her movements unsure and ill-tested. She took a seat at the other end of the sofa and turned to her former host.
"I must know if you believe…"
"You didn't leave me, Raine. If I had really wanted you to stay, you would never have had the opportunity to leave. And you know that."
"But before, right before I left you were adamant that I stay."
Sam sighed, falling back and raising a hand to her face. "I know. But if I think back on it, Raine, he would have kept going until you were dead because he knew that you would have died before me…" she caught Raine's gaze. "I'm glad that you're okay too." Sam graced her with a small smile that didn't really meet her eyes.
Silence fell between them, an uncontrolled, uncomfortable silence that Sam had never before experienced within Raine's presence.
"It's so quiet, Raine. I don't know how to make up for losing you."
A small understanding smile appeared on the Tok'ra's face, and tentatively Raine reached across the distance between them and took a hold of her hand.
"I have lost you as much as you have lost me, Samantha. Do not forget that."
The soft probing voice broke into Sam like nothing she could have expected. They had been together. They had thought and had been the same entity for almost four months. There was no condemnation in Raine's voice for the way that Sam was hiding, no guilt for leaving her in that position, but Raine could see that there was great difference in the way that the two of them were healing after the separation.
"The only difference between us, Samantha, is that I have needed to blend with another to survive. You are hiding, Samantha, and hiding alone with only make the silence worse." Raine withdrew her hand and stood, walking over to the window. She pulled back the curtain and Sam wondered what it was that she was looking at. "You may not need to literally blend with another to survive, Samantha, but maybe you need to blend with someone in order to live."
Curiosity piqued by the way that Raine was so intently staring out of the window, Sam moved to stand next to her and was caught by the sight of Jack's truck.
"Do you know that he saved my life? It was him who found me and rushed into the hands of people who knew what to do with me. It was in those few moments, in his gentleness and worry that I found that he had truly changed. He had accepted me to the extent that I was different from what he thought. He cared for me, in those tunnels." She paused and turned to the silent woman beside her. "That man loves you, Samantha, just as you love him. You have both lost something that you have grown to care about. And I'm not just talking about me."
Raine lowered her head and cast a glance back through the darkened living room.
"As much as I have pushed you in our time together… Pain can heal pain in the most wonderful of ways, leaving you nothing but joy." She sighed and caught Sam's gaze. "I love you like sister, as you would say, and through you, I have learned to care about that tough, isolated man, just as you have. I have someone to help me with our separation and so do you."
Abruptly Sam moved away from the window and to the front door, almost on automatic. Her pain and desire for company overwhelmed her irrational solitude and pushed her to accept what it was that she really needed to heal from her separation.
Then, with her hand on the doorknob, a brilliant light of revelation blinded her movements and she turned to Raine.
"So where has he been in the last days, then, Raine? I've needed him, he's had to have known that." Her knuckles turned white on the metal.
Raine smiled a sad smile at her friend as she stood several feet away, her hands clasped behind her back. "Have you asked him to be here, Samantha? Did you ask him to be here after Martouf died? Or Narim?" She took a confident step towards the now-trembling woman. "How is he to know that you want him here if in the past you have dealt with your pain by yourself?"
Silence fell as they watched each other. Raine noticed fleeting looks of pain and realization cross Sam's face as she stood at the door. Minutes passed and then Raine moved towards the phone. Sam watch blankly.
"I would like to talk to General Hammond, please." She said in Tamar's voice, her eyes still stuck on Sam. "Hello, sir… Yes… That is hard to say, General, but I am trying." Sam watched as Raine smiled and then turned her back and continued to whisper into the phone.
So enmeshed in her own thoughts was Sam that the rest of Raine's conversation melted into the background.
Was it true? Would he sit by and watch her self-destruct because she had never asked for his help before?
Something in her heart rebelled from that thought. He loved her. Wouldn't he overcome his own fears in deference to her well-being? He did love her, right? He said he did. He said that he relied on her stability, her mere presence in his life. So while his time on Edora had enabled him to know that he could live outside of her, he chose not to. He chose to come home.
That said something, didn't it?
Sam's head fell to the side as her mind argued her heart.
Would it have to be her who made that step? Could she hold herself together? Or would she really need Jack to help her hold herself together?
Was she really willing to risk loosing Jack entirely because she could get her own thoughts together and ask him?
Finally her legs gave out and she fell to the floor, her back sliding heavily along the door. Her brought her knees up to her chest and buried her face between them. Her ears rang with pounding blood as her confused thoughts presented ideas and scenarios that she had never before considered.
Jack wouldn't leave… her mind uttered.
Wouldn't he? Her heart answered, sending Sam into near paroxysms of fear. She had never considered it before. He had always been there for her after her times of loss… but there was something different in this situation.
He was losing something too.
***
The truck had been started four times in the last twenty minutes. His fight-or-flight instinct was screaming flight. Waves of anxiety and fear washed over Jack as he waited impatiently for some kind of sign from the Tok'ra.
There was nothing.
He had no coherent thoughts running through his head. Memories of pain and loss flashed behind his eyes as his head lay back against the seat. His own losses of Charlie and his divorce, losing Charlie again (though admittedly an alien), nearly dying in Antarctica, Jolinar…
His thoughts continued, his recollections nearly bringing tears to his eyes as he waded through them. However, even within the memories, there was something magical and beautiful to their construction. Interspersed with the difficult memories were small thoughts of happiness and joy. Colourful mixtures of friends and family and new discoveries.
So even as he knew that Sam was inside that house, more than likely, suffering on her own, his heart wouldn't allow him to leave. Even if he could not go in to her, touch her, hold her and help her, he would be here if she asked him to.
He was not going to leave.
***
Sam didn't know how long her thoughts consumed her. She didn't know that Raine had stood watching her, her love and care for the Major bringing tears to her eyes, that she made no attempt to stop falling.
Finally Sam's head lifted to look at her friend.
"I could lose him, couldn't I?"
Raine stepped forward and knelt next to Sam, her hand rising to rest on her shoulder. "I don't think you'll lose *him*, Samantha… but you may lose this…" her finger tapped Sam's heart and she looked intently into her eyes. "I know you, Samantha."
Raine stood and held out her hand to help Sam to her feet. She moved her away from the door and looked out to see a dark government issued car pull up behind Jack's truck.
"General Hammond has sent me a car. Think on this Sam, as you have been doing. I want you to be happy." She opened the door and watched as Sam skittered behind its shelter. Raine sighed and looked to see Jack with his head resting against the headrest of his chair. He didn't move, and Raine suspected that he didn't even know that there was a car sitting behind him.
Raine turned to Sam and gave her a hug. When she separated, Sam turned to her.
"Can I talk to Tamar a moment?"
Raine's head fell forward and then Tamar spoke. "That is a most unusual feeling."
Sam sniffed and then huffed in amusement. "I don't know how to say thank you for what you've given me, Tamar. It was a great sacrifice for you to…"
Tamar held up a hand and graced Sam with a beautiful smile. "I can tell already that Raine is much more at peace with herself, and for that I should thank you. You have given both of us a chance to help this world. Having a few moments of my life forgotten at the expense of helping those that I care about is nothing to be grateful to me for. I have done it freely."
Sam still felt inadequate, and smiled to her. "Thank you anyway. I hope to see you again."
"You will, Samantha. You will." Raine's voice was soft and caring and Sam let her brimming tears to fall, giving her departing friend another quick hug before retreating behind the door again.
She laid her head against the closed entrance, her heart pounding in her ears, the anxious feeling of healing mixed with loss forming a sticky sheen of sweat against the cool wood of the door. Her hand twitched with its desire to swallow her fear and open the door. But fear kept flashing images of abandonment and pain, sending Sam back to her dangerous state of indecision.
She swallowed convulsively.
Her eyes were drawn to the small window that lined one side of her door and she moved to look out. The sun was setting in the west; it's dying rays casting Jack's black truck with slivers of golden light. One such ray coloured Jack with its dye, his silvering hair turning into a startling halo of brilliant gold. Her eyes devoured him, his strong position, his defined character seemingly brought out by the chance setting of the sun.
With the same dying light, her heart snapped. Something in her knew that if she allowed him to wait any longer, his own doubts would carry him away from her. Her fears were nothing when she was faced with having to deal with her loses outside of him. A cold hand rose to the window and pressed helplessly against the chilled glass, her hot palm steaming an outline to the clear surface.
She was alone now. She had no one to talk to. No one to listen. No one to touch.
She didn't want to be that alone.
Her hand caught the handle and turned.
***
Jack caught the movement of her door through the corner of his eye and within a moment he was out of his truck, his heart beating out of control. He had seen the government car drive away and it didn't take any of his training to realize that Raine had just been picked up.
So he waited.
Now he stood in the light of the sunset, his hands resting on the hood of his truck, staring intently in the direction of the open door.
His feet began to move.
Slowly, with great precision as if each step took time to discover it's ground, Jack moved up her walk, his eyes never leaving the form that stood half protected by the door. He noted her fear, a stance that showed him that at the slightest provocation she would be closing the door.
Jack knew without a doubt that he couldn't allow that to happen.
His feet carried him steadily up the few steps of her porch and stopped him as his toes touched the threshold of her house. His eyes remained steadily and feelingly upon her own; challenging, accepting, giving and taking.
His hand rose and rested against the door, palm flat to the surface. He applied a little pressure and watched in fascination as she was revealed entirely to his gaze. Her eyes fell and the hand that held the door reached out to her, turned her gaze back to him.
"I'm here, Sam."
Her eyes twitched, and Jack watched at they moistened and gathered tears, but didn't see any of them fall. His hand released her and fell back to his side. He forced himself to hold back, to not take her into his arms and cradle her in her pain. Sam closed her eyes and sighed, her arms rising to cross protectively over her chest.
A small crack appeared at the centre of Jack's resolve and his foot twitched.
He held his stance.
And then, like a dove mourning in the dawn, a soft whimper escaped the woman before him and her eyes finally allowed her tears to fall. She caught his gaze.
"I need you."
Resolve exploded in a dazzling display of blissfulness and elation as Jack stepped forward and gathered the woman before him into his embrace. His arms wrapped her to himself and one hand rose to cradle her head as sobs of surrender and acceptance escaped into his shirt.
Their sense of self dissipated with each second, and their tears blended together as they fell.
***
The echoes of her footsteps brought a smile to her lips with each passing movement. SF's and airmen welcomed her back to base and wished her luck on her next mission.
Her destination at the moment.
The satisfying weight of her pack and the tug of her P-90 around her shoulder felt familiar and promising as she finally moved into the Gate room.
The familiar `whoosh' of the wormhole opening almost brought tears to her eyes and she smiled whole-heartedly at the three men that lined the bottom of the ramp. They all smiled back at her.
"SG-1."
All four turned to the control room to see General Hammond bending over the microphone.
He smiled. "You have a go."
Out of the corner of her eye, she caught Jack cast a glance in her direction and then cast a proper salute to the General before turning to the rest of his team. "Let's move out, team."
With a swift glance to her, both Daniel and Teal'c moved forward, the sure steps echoing over the rumble of the ramp. As they stepped into the wormhole, Sam fell into step beside Jack, who stopped at the horizon. She caught his gaze with a questioning glance.
He smiled. "Well, we may not be able to ride away into the sunset, Carter, but we've got a horizon ready and waiting for us."
Sam laughed and raised a hand to drag it over the shimmering surface, smiling at Jack's analogy of their coinciding roles of knights in shining armour. She smiled affectionately at him.
"That we do, sir."
Suddenly she put her hand to his shoulder and pushed him through. His startled grunt of surprise was swallowed by space.
She smiled with satisfaction.
"That we do."
~~FIN~~
Story Notes: Grace Unbecoming 7: Spoilers: Teensy for D&C, Between Two Fires
A/N: Alright, I know that this was a long time in completing, but now it's done. And it wouldn't have been done nearly this soon if it weren't for some prodding. *glares at Venom* But there's something in here that you requested, enjoy finding it. *vbg* But, on the good side… IT'S DONE! Hope that you enjoy.
A/N II: The entire series is posted on my site: "We Need Fear Nothing…" http://www.geocities.com/souls_darkangel/index.html
A/N: Alright, I know that this was a long time in completing, but now it's done. And it wouldn't have been done nearly this soon if it weren't for some prodding. *glares at Venom* But there's something in here that you requested, enjoy finding it. *vbg* But, on the good side… IT'S DONE! Hope that you enjoy.
A/N II: The entire series is posted on my site: "We Need Fear Nothing…" http://www.geocities.com/souls_darkangel/index.html
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]