You knew it was going to hurt.
You could see it in his eyes, it was going to hurt, you were going to fall and hit the ground hard. And he was going to push you. Reluctantly maybe, you could see that too, he was hesitating with his words, his hands were moving, but they were steady. You were shaking. More, because you knew it was going to hurt, than the fact that it was happening.
You knew it was going to happen, eventually, you just didn't realise, that it would hurt so much.
And you find it a little confusing, disconcerting. You're not sure why it's going to hurt so much, why it hurts already, because you don't love him, do you?
You shake your head, you don't love him but it doesn't mean you don't care, that you won't miss him, or the company, or the sex.
He gave you a life, normality.
It wasn't that you were going to miss him as such, but you going to miss the normality he offered. You went to work, saved the world, saved other worlds, people, friends. Lost them too. Friends and planets and people but you went home and he was there, or he had been there. Or he was calling to tell you he'd be there soon. Dinner, dancing, sex.
Normal.
You love normal, not him. You'll miss normal, not him
And, to his credit, he knew that and had hung on as long as he could, but now he was letting go.
With a little shove.
*
You were surprised when *he* caught you.
You were sure, he wouldn't care. That he'd be happy, for himself, but he wouldn't care for you, about you. You were sure that he would think that you deserved this, deserved to fall and hit the ground so very hard.
But he didn't think that at all. And he was there, beer and pizza and that nervous smile he rarely showed.
It was still him, but not quite. He was different because his hands were wrapping around your heart to catch you, instead of deep in his pocket.
And you were different. You recognise it now as vulnerability, falling had put your mind out of synch with what you really felt and should hide. Landing hard would've shattered all these thoughts from your mind, all the feelings from your heart. But he had caught you and they were still there, you were thinking and feeling instead of crying.
So you tell him, that you were going to miss the normality more than the man. And he tells you he understands and admits that when he Sara left him, he missed the normal life, his marriage, more than he missed the woman herself. He ate it him up inside, still did after all this time. He refused to let her feel the same.
And then you see, that he'd known too, that she hadn't loved the man, just the normality. He'd known and he'd come to catch her.
And you know that it hurts him too, that someone let you fall, that you even let someone else hold you, but he'd catch you every single time. No matter how many men there were between now and them, he'd catch you.
You love him for it, consider seriously letting him hold you now, forget now and make it them. But you know, there's too much for them both to do until them. Which is why you let someone else hold you in the first place.
Normality is as desirable as he is. You love it as much as you love him.
You'll continue flirting with normal, while you flirt with him. Safe in the knowledge that he'll catch you, that every time you fall between now and them, he'll be waiting, hurting, but waiting.
He loves you enough to share you with normality until them.
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