Not Acceptable
Carter, let me pretend that everything's normal. I so want normal. I pick up my files, feigning interest; anything to stop thinking about it, to stop you talking about it. Can't you see? You should know me, but you don't get it. You think I'm being cold-hearted. Not cold, Sam, just protecting myself: hiding it, internalising it, not facing up to it. Go figure! I can't expose myself like that. Don't you understand? If I let any of it out, I might not be able to hold back. It might all coming tumbling out at once and that's not acceptable.
I can't let you, or anyone else, see that. I have to build those walls around me to keep me safe, to hide behind. And Lord knows what else I'll confess to if I once open up. It scares the crap out me to contemplate it. There are things you can never know, feelings I can never express. Maybe one day, if the time was right, I could let you in. I wish for that, Sam, but it won't happen, not now. It's not acceptable and probably never will be. Lots of it's about you. Won't think about it; cant!
As for Daniel, I refuse to believe that he's gone. We can't lose him again; I can't. Why has it always got to be him? He's more trouble than a hornet's nest. A tad accident prone, Doctor Jackson? Got a death wish? This sort of stuff is always happening to you Daniel. You die, break our hearts and then, through some miracle or mischance, come back again. How many more times am I expected to take that? Are you going to come back this time? This can't be final, Daniel, because that's not acceptable. Please come back to us; soon.
I sure miss you when you're gone, even if you are a royal pain in the butt. You babble on as much as she does. Anyone would think I like babbling, for crying out loud. I sure am a glutton for punishment. Teal'c's company makes a refreshing change from all that babbling. At least when he says something I know what he's talking about. You and Sam? Well, I'm not stupid as I make out, but you two take the cake for incomprehensible babbling. Hell, I love you both in your own different ways anyway. Told you I'm a sap.
Danny boy, if the next time I see you you've gone all glowy on me again I sure am gonna kick your shiny butt; that is if I can find it! Life certainly takes some funny turns. When we first met I would never have pegged us for becoming friends. Who'd have thunk it? You were such a geek! But you saved my ass and that's worth something, even if you have nearly got me killed more than once since then. You've been a good friend; more than I deserve the way I've treated you sometimes, the things I've said.
Much more then I deserve. You, Sam, Teal'c. I'm a lucky guy to have such friends, despite everything. I know I can be crabby and difficult. I know we don't always agree, in fact, often hold totally opposing views of life. I know I'm hard to take sometimes, probably frequently. Yet despite that, you stick by me, you're always there if I need you; except when you're playing dead, Daniel, and sometimes even then. How could I ask for better friends than that? Losing you, any of you, is just not acceptable. Good friends are too hard to come by.
I'm already losing Sam, Daniel. I can feel her inexorably slipping away from me. She's got Pete now, and no need for an old has-been like me. I missed my chance with her and once she's his forever, that friendship is only gonna get real hard. It's already breaking me, Daniel, you must know it. And T? One day I'll lose him to the rebel Jaffa forever, probably sooner rather than later. I'll miss him; do already. So you can't leave me now, you hear me? Get your butt back here right now! Get it back alive and well, Daniel.
Crap! I'm just letting you slip away from me, all of you. How can I do that? Making friends is one thing, but keeping 'em? I'm pretty bad at that. I guess I'll end up dying a lonely old man, if some life-sapping alien entity doesn't get me first. Dammit! I'd prefer to die in battle than sitting at this freakin' desk, or alone in my bed one night. Alone? Don't think I can take that again. I'm alone enough already. I guess none of you guys realise how lonely I am sometimes. How can you? I never tell you.
There's some light in my life, at last, though Daniel. No one knows. I keep figuring I have to move on from Sam. I met a woman. She's pretty and intelligent and, well, ever so slightly mad because she has to be if she's interested in me, right? But she is interested, old buddy, and she's gorgeous. I mean really gorgeous, and she's interested in me, go figure! I must be doin' something right. Surprise! It's early days and I doubt it will last long, if we ever actually get going, but it could be pretty good while she's around.
Her name is Kerry, Daniel, and your eyes would pop out of your head if you saw her. Come back soon so you can, huh? It's good for my ego if folks know I can still attract a beautiful woman so don't disappoint me. Okay, she isn't Sam. I confess I'm still stuck on her, but maybe Kerry can help with that. Who knows? It's strange, you know, but if you were actually here I would never be saying any of this to you. Maybe I ought to learn to open up more. Isn't that how this started? Full circle.
The End
***************
Su Freund
Visit my fan fiction webpage at: http://www.ficwithfins.com/
Story Notes: Moments: Email: su_freund@ficwithfins.com
Website: http://www.ficwithfins.com/
Content Warnings: Use of mild language
Pairings: Jack/Sam, Jack/Other
Season: 8
Spoilers: Reckoning Part 2, Threads
Sequel/Series Info: Drabble series of POVs based on a moment from an episode
Status: Complete
Archive: My site, Jack and Sam's Pad, Jackfic, SJD
Author's Note: Called a drabble ficlet because each individual paragraph is 100 words long. This series is not necessarily written or appearing in episode order so does not follow a particular sequence - except my whim in writing them.
Website: http://www.ficwithfins.com/
Content Warnings: Use of mild language
Pairings: Jack/Sam, Jack/Other
Season: 8
Spoilers: Reckoning Part 2, Threads
Sequel/Series Info: Drabble series of POVs based on a moment from an episode
Status: Complete
Archive: My site, Jack and Sam's Pad, Jackfic, SJD
Author's Note: Called a drabble ficlet because each individual paragraph is 100 words long. This series is not necessarily written or appearing in episode order so does not follow a particular sequence - except my whim in writing them.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]