#Music plays, camera descends to a stage where SG-1 sit facing a large crowd and Oprah Winfrey. Teal'c is at the end nearest the crowd, then Daniel, Sam and Jack#
"Hello and welcome to today's Oprah Winfrey Show. Our special guests this afternoon representing our fine United States Air Force are Colonel Jack O'Neill, Major Samantha Carter, Captain Murray Hutch and Doctor Daniel Jackson. First off, Dr. Jackson? You're not actually a member of the Air Force, are you?"
"No, I'm not. I wasn't cut out for that kind of work."
"Yet you work *with* the others? How is that?"
"Well we work on a… classified…project… Actually, you know what? It's all Jack's fault we're up here today!"
#Jack and Daniel glare at each other across Sam#
"Well it *is*…"
"SO… Major Carter… Can you explain this situation to us?"
#Oprah seems slightly put out that they don't like her show#
#Sam and Jack squirm uneasily in their seats. Daniel smirks#
"Well… um… you see… No I can't."
#She seems slightly relieved. So does Jack. Daniel doesn't#
"Okay… Captain Hutch. Do you understand what's going on?"
"Well… Can you *tell* us?"
#Daniel jumps out of his seat and walks up to the nearest camera#
"You see, for the past few years Jack has been constantly nagging Sam to go fishing with him in this cosy little log cabin in Mississippi-"
"-Minnesota then! And she refused consistently. Then one day she finally said 'yes'-"
#Someone in the crowd wolf whistles, another yells 'Go man!'. Daniel glares#
"-So he brought her. And they caught fish-"
#Crowd laughs. Daniel goes red.#
"ARE YOU GONNA LET ME FINISH OR WHAT?!?!?!"
#He smiles sweetly. Five girls are rushed to hospital suffering from anoxia#
"They caught fish – trout, to be precise – and came home after two weeks."
#More wolf whistles. Sam and Jack go red#
"Problem was, we only had *one* week of downtime."
#*Loads* of wolf whistles from crowd. An oldish man stands up#
#Daniel looks slightly irritated#
"I have a cousin in the Air Force. Don't the rules state that there can't be a relationship between two officers on the same team?"
"Quite clearly, yes. I haven't gotten to the good part yet."
#Crowd bursts out laughing and whistling. Sam tries to bury into her seat. Jack goes red and gives Daniel a deathglare. Security men inch up behind him#
"Anyway. They realised how late they were when my friend, Janet, finally tracked them down. They dropped what they were doing, gathered their stuff together and came home. They brought our General a peace offering of a trout and Jack handed it to him the minute he walked in the door."
#A fat woman stands up#
"I have a question."
"That's nice. They-"
"Dr. Jackson, you have to answer the lady's question."
#Oprah is now *really* put out, because Daniel has stolen *her* spotlight. And the brightest one at that#
"Fine then. What is it?"
"What exactly *had* they been doing before they packed up?"
#Daniel grins evilly and looks at Jack out of the corner of his eye#
"I maimed you once space monkey, I'll do it again!"
#There is now a security man on each side of Jack#
"I'm not sure, but it involved *whipped cream*-"
#Crowd goes wild. Oprah stands up and tries to get a little control on the situation.#
#After a while...#
"Dr. Jackson? You were saying?"
"Yeah, well, I wasn't there, but if you'll let me continue?"
#Crowd nod their heads vigorously#
"Jack came first and handed a plastic bag to the General. After a few minutes glaring, Hammond opened it."
"The General. At that moment Sam came flying into the room yelling-"
"DON'T YOU DARE TELL THEM YOU-"
#Sam is now being restrained and Jack has an unidentified object shoved into his mouth. Teal'c is merely giggling suspiciously#
#Daniel is thrilled to be the centre of attention, *as well* as being safe. He sticks his tongue out at them#
"She was yelling something about the wrong bag, but the General had already opened it, and was now holding some… *ahem*…"
#He goes slightly red. Sam and Jack are making hell of the security men's lives#
"Whipped cream flavoured, lacy, black-"
#Jack breaks free and makes a run for Daniel, but is stopped halfway by five more men#
#Crowd goes insane, laughing and whistling#
"Riiiiiight… And there we'll break for some commercials."
"Yes. We do love those commercials…"
#Still nothing happens. Oprah sidles off screen and suddenly everything goes black#
#Music plays, camera descends to stage where Sam and Jack have been tied to chairs that are fixed to the ground and gagged. Teal'c is making a cats cradle with his shoelace. Daniel has now taken Oprah's chair as well. She's pouting in the corner#
"Hey everyone! Welcome back to the...um..."
#Someone whispers 'Oprah Winfrey'#
"Yeah! Opera Winefield show. Now let's continue with our main story today!"
"Where were we again?"
#Guys in the audience shout 'lacy black underwear!'. Women roll their eyes#
"Ah yes! Needless to say, the General was less than pleased. He was outraged in fact. He grabbed the wet trout Sam was holding and proceeded to hit Jack with it, while Sam made a getaway with her underwear."
#Sam has gone totally red now and is desperately trying to break free. Jack is watching her out of the corner of his eye. Teal'c is studying a map of Australia#
"The first thought the General had was that he was the butt end of a practical joke. But when he finally realised that Sam and Jack had gone ahead and broken Air Force regulations he calmed down a bit."
#Crowd don't laugh#
"Yeah… Well. He decided to get his own back on them and instructed me and, uh… *Murray* to embarrass them up here. So here we are!"
#Teal'c looks up and grins. He's eating jelly beans#
"Oh my God! Oh no! Stop!"
#Oprah runs over to Teal'c and takes the jelly beans off him#
"They're *caffeinated* jelly beans! They were going to be advertised later on!"
#Teal'c's bottom lip quivers and he gives her puppy dog eyes#
#Oprah sighs and reaches into her pocket#
"Here. Have the rest of my M&M's."
#Teal'c smiles sweetly and takes the packet. Four more girls are rushed to hospital, also suffering from anoxia. Oprah heads back to her seat#
#She turns back to Teal'c#
"Yes Captain Hutch?"
"There are only 42 M&M's in this packet."
#She sighs again and reaches into her pocket. She pulls out one more M&M#
"Here. Now you have 43. Happy?"
"Yes. Thank you."
#A sheep walks past the screen and everyone watches it, then in unison shout 'Hello Con!!!'#
#Daniel blinks and looks at the door the sheep just disappeared into#
"Okaaay… What was that all about?"
"It my belief that it was simply to fill the enormous plot holes and complete the challenge."
#Everyone looks at Teal'c#
#Teal'c blinks and looks at Daniel#
"I do not know…"
#After a minute, he continues eating his M&M's#
"What? Oh yeah!!!"
#Oprah jumps out of her seat and faces the camera, beaming#
"And now folks, we see what happens when two enraged, um… *friends*, are released on the person who has just revealed their darkest secret. I give you…"
"Sam and Jack!"
#Crowd goes wild#
#Sam and Jack stroll in casually from the side#
#Daniel gulps and does a great fish impression#
#Teal'c is now rubbing his jacket sleeve against a dusty gold gravy boat. Suddenly, bright blue smoke spurts out the spout#
"Wha? Morning already?"
#Everyone stares at the smoke, which has now turned into a bright blue 'man'#
"I thought I said wake me up for *dinner*, not break-"
#The blue man stares back at crowd#
"Oh… Hey guys…"
#A small Indian boy wearing a red cap, purple waistcoat and baggy white pants, walks in from other side door and up to Teal'c#
#Teal'c stares at him, still rubbing the gravy boat#
"Hey, d'you mind stopping that? It tickles!"
#The blue man is desperately trying to hold in a fit of giggles#
"I beg your pardon."
#Teal'c stops rubbing the gravy boat#
"Um, could I have my lamp back please?"
#Teal'c looks down at the Indian boy#
"I have no lamp belonging to you or anyone else."
"You have mine!"
#Teal'c turns to Daniel, who is still curled up in Oprah's chair#
"That is a torch, DanielJackson, not a lamp."
"Yeah, well, it's *mine*."
"Uh, my *lamp*, please?"
#Teal'c looks back at the boy#
"I do not know you. Therefore, I cannot have your lamp."
"You know Teal'c, that makes absolutely *no* sense."
#Oprah looks at Sam#
#Sam looks at Jack, then smiles sweetly at Oprah. Ten men have to be restrained by security#
"Um, Murray's pet name."
"You don't wanna know. Trust me."
"Oy! Gimme my lamp back!"
#The boy tries to pull gravy boat out of Teal'c's hands, but is unsuccessful#
"We must introduce ourselves first. It is Jaffa tradition."
#The boy and the blue man look anxiously around the room. Teal'c grabs the boys wrist and shakes his hand#
"I am Captain Hutch Murray."
#Jack sidles up to Teal'c#
"That's Murray Hutch, Teal'c."
"I'm Aladdin. *Now* can I have my lamp back please? I have a Sultan, a parrot, a monkey, a tiger, a wife and ten kids to feed and that genie is my only source of income."
#Aladdin looks up at Genie#
"You know? All those movies? The cartoon series? All the novelty merchandise that's fun for kids for about an hour, then they get fed up of it?"
#Aladdin looks back at Teal'c#
"The lamp Mr. Murray?
#Teal'c hands him the lamp, then returns to his seat#
#Genie goes back into the lamp, and a purple carpet flies in from the fire exit. Aladdin hops on#
"See ya, folks!"
#The carpet flies back out the door#
#Jack is tapping his foot impatiently. Sam is pouring Daniel a cup of tea. Teal'c has managed to put a map of Australia onto the big screen at the back of the stage, and is studying it intently#
"Me? Oh yeah!"
#Oprah jumps up from her manicure and faces the camera#
"Th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-that's all folks!"
#Warner Brothers end theme chord plays#
"We still have three minutes, ma'am."
"Oh… right… Well then, we'll… just… leave you with some of the memorable images from today's show!"
#Jack clears his throat and walks up to her#
"I thought we were meant to-"
#He whispers into her ear#
#Sam and Daniel are chatting quietly in the corner. Teal'c has re- discovered the jelly beans and is eating them, still examining Australia#
"Oh, of course!"
#Jack smiles and nods to Sam and Daniel. Sam smiles and helps Daniel up. The two of them walk to the front of the stage#
"Now ladies and gentlemen, we see what happens when two enraged friends, are released on the person who has just revealed their darkest secret! See you tomorrow!"
#Sam, Jack and Daniel jump into a large grey ball of dust, with the occasional boxing glove, shoe and bandage popping out#
#Teal'c has realised that if you look hard enough, Australia *does* look like a Scottish terrier, and so does Ireland#
#Oprah has discovered that Neurofen takes the long route to the centre of pain, but sheep's wool does *indeed* contain camomile#
#Screen suddenly turns to a night sky with the moon in the centre. The moon starts to laugh and a face appears on it#
"Made ya look!"
#A small lady with orange hair, round glasses and completely black clothes appears out of no-where and winks#
"That *was* the Oprah Winfrey show. Goodbye!"