I don't hate him.
How could I?
I just....dislike him at the moment.
A lot more than I should.
Which really isn't good, considering he's sitting across the briefing room table from me right now.
And he's my CO.
And we're about to go on a mission.
For three days.
And it's going to be cold.
And there is not a chance in hell I'm getting out of *this* one.
He won't look up. Not a chance.
Well, *that* was childish.
No more childish than him.
Oops. That was mean. But not undeserving.
I don't hate him. I don't hate him. I don't hate him.
It just hurts, that all.
But I think I can understand.
I can live without him, damn it! You're stronger than this Samantha Carter! Your life doesn't revolve around one man!
I can survive without him. I have done before, I can do it again.
She won't look at me.
I know I don't deserve the gaze of those eyes, but damn it.
And I can't look at her.
I'm sorry! Really!! I'll yell it from the roof tops, from the mountain top! Hell, I'll even yell it though the PA system!
But I can't look at her.
I can't stand being in the same room as her by ourselves. It's bad enough sitting here with Daniel and Teal'c pretending everything's ok.
Well, it is. For them.
I didn't just rip their hearts out with a spoon and hand them back on a wood platter.
Geez, how eloquent. Good on ya, O'Neill. That's the way.
She hates me.
And I know it.
She's hiding it. But not well enough.
And to top it all off, we're going to be stuck together on a *freezing* planet for 3 days.
I guess I'll just have to suffer. For how long, I don't know, but there isn't much I can do about it.
Without breaking every regulation in the book.
Ok, only a couple.
But they are the only ones I won't break.
Cause there's too much to lose.
No turning back.
And she knows it just as well as I do.
Sometimes I think 'screw the regs.' And then I'm brought back to reality by that smile. Those eyes. The way she talks and captures me with her words...especially when she's explaining something to me. Her whole attention is focussed on trying to get me understand, and it's so...
That she would bother. But she cares so much.
Cared. Cared so much.
She hates me.
And then she looks at me. I can feel her stare penetrating my brain, reading my thoughts.
I'm sorry! If you can hear this....
Ok, enough's enough. I don't need this. If she hates me, then so be it. I don't need her.
I can survive without her. I have done before, I can do it again.