samandjack.net

Story Notes: Email: magratj@ozemail.com.au

Archive: SJ and Heliopolis

Spoilers: None

Setting: Probably 2nd/3rd season

Category: S/J Angst

Author’s Notes: Just a quickie – you really DON’T want to know where it come from. And I really don’t know if it’s any good or not, so I would like honest, constructive criticism.


Am I the only one who sees it? Surely I can’t be. The futility of it all. Maybe I am crazy, but for so long I’ve convinced myself that I’m not.

I just can’t believe she’d do something this stupid! Surely she knows who bad he is for her. It’s been nothing but trouble since they started seeing each other. I thought she was finally over him. How wrong could I be. And now she’s marrying him.

Dammit.

She’s the second one to do it too.

I think she’s settling. Settling for what she can get. For second best, in my books.

But it’s not my life. I can’t judge. I just have opposing views. Naturally.

I must be a disease, this marriage thing. Two in the last twelve months. Two of my girlfriends getting married, while I sit here, it the furthest thing from my mind.

Marriage.

The big ‘M’ word. I’ll be honest. The idea scares the living daylights out of me, like nothing else I’ve ever known. I think that’s because it’s different for men than it is for women. At least that’s I believe society teaches us.

You see, a woman gives up something of herself when she marries. Oh, it may be changing, slowly, but that’s still the way it is. And I’m not prepared to give up anything just yet. Why should I? A guy wouldn’t. And I am not going to sell myself short just because I am a woman. God, I swore I would NEVER do that. I certainly won’t start now.

I am not a feminist. That battle ground has changed, that war long over. I believe in the best person for the job. And if it happens to be me – great!

I always knew that there would have to be some sacrifices along the way. That is how it works when you concentrate solely on your career. I accepted that as fact a long time ago. So I supposed that any relationships that I had would have to be casual, at best. If it became serious, I’m not sure how I would react. Actually, I do. I’d do what I did with Jonas. The others are convinced he pushed me around, even abused me in some way. Actually, it was never like that. And I sure as hell never saw him as a person needing healing. What I saw was someone who had far too much control over me as a person. Someone who could influence my decisions and thoughts with minimal effort. That was not the relationship I wanted. So I left.

What I want in a man is near impossible to find. Someone who can work around me. Who cares, even loves enough to make sacrifices for me, as I can’t tell if I could make them for him. Who lets me be totally me. I don’t know if he exists, yet I know I won’t settle for anything less. What’s the point?

"Sam?" Jack pokes his head around the door to my lab.

"Yes Colonel?" I ask wearily.

"We’re going for drinks. Wanna come?"

His invitation is probably what I need right now. Out having fun, reminding myself that I am right, and I am enjoying being single. As he looks at me, I realise that I’m not ready for it anyway. While ever I put my career first, I am nowhere near ready enough for something like marriage, let alone a serious relationship.

"Sure. Give me a minute."

I’ll support those marriages, like I should. After all, they’re not me. Anyway, there’s always Jack. I know I can rely on him to keep things in perspective. If I ever meet a guy better that him, I think I’ll be happy. If one such guy exists.



ta meg




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