'Some of my old friends are here
The light isn't good but their outlines are clear'
We sit in my house and drink in silence. A beer for each hour. Time measured in gulps and mouthfuls. I wish I could get drunk but I know I won't. I try, but with each sip the bottle takes longer and longer to get to my mouth. Time stretching as my bladder fills. The TV's on but it's blaring white noise after the film stopped, and no-one's moved to change it. I wish they would. I want a distraction. Anything.
The last trickle of warm liquid moves down my throat and the bottle is empty. The bottle is empty. I hold it up in front of my face as watch as the soft light plays across its curves. It's so very empty. I hold it against my chest then, the glass fairly cool against the skin of my neck. Feeling its hard lines where the neck of the bottle finds my collarbone. A familiar companion. No, not the alcohol, the emptiness. I sit for a while, then Danny takes the bottle from my stiff fingers, and places another in my hands.
'I'm talking of solitude, silence and doubt
I tried to escape them
They soon found me out
Some of my old friends are here'
I smile a thank you at my friend, and he reclaims his seat. Danny and Teal'c. My old friends. I've been running from them for a few weeks now, even avoiding coming home at night, but tonight they found me. And they found me out. I came home to find them on my doorstep, and not taking no for an answer. So, I bit my lip and held my breath and let them in and plied them with beer. But they're still here. I wish they'd go away, I wish they would.
'Some of my friends called today
They knew without asking I'd thrown it away
By thought, word or deed, or most likely all three'
I'm useless. I'm a useless old man without an ounce of courage left in my body. I should be drinking whiskey not beer at my age. I'm too old for beer. And far too old for crying. And far too old for.
'The person to run my affairs isn't me
Some of my friends called today'
It's too late. I've ruined it, I've thrown it all away. All these years wasted and gone, nothing to show for my patience and efforts. Nothing at all. Just me and my beer and my old friends. Danny was right, maybe he shouldn't have left it to me, I'm no good at this sort of thing, not anymore.
'They smiled they tried to say we never guessed
But they knew I lied by pretending
My world wasn't ending
I'm free and it's all for the best'
I screw the lid from my new bottle, and try a taste of the cold tonic. If I could use it to wash it all away I would. I'd wash all my past away. Leave myself empty and cold, the way I've always been and the way I guess I always will be now. But I just sit here. I sit here and feel two sets of sympathetic eyes boring into me. I close my eyes and wish them away like I've done a hundred times tonight, but every time I look again they're still there. Always there. I wish I'd never said, I wish I'd kept my big mouth shut, but then he said he'd always known. And now it's gone and lost and over, and they watch me fall apart. I'm a sad and lonely man, and my world has just ended. I smile and nod and make my comments, but what is it all for? What's the point?
'One of my best friends is gone
Not moving I watched her walk out'
It doesn't matter. She's gone. Sam's gone. My best friend. She's left us, she's left me. And I let her. I gave her her promotion and accepted her transfer. She's gone off to save the world somewhere else. I shook her hand and wished her well, while my soul screamed out in pain.
'Where upon the words I'd been crazy to hold back before
Came crashing like waves on a white empty shore
And no-one has ever loved anyone more
One of my best friends is gone'
I said it. I said the things I'd been holding inside for so many years, the thoughts I'd been stowing away in my heart and my mind, waiting... waiting for the right time. I spoke of my feelings, my love, my regret, my longing and my foolish, foolish pride. But I never said them to her. I couldn't. I couldn't spill my heart out to her on the day she was to leave. I know how hard this decision was for her, and I know how long it took her to make it, and I wasn't going to ruin it by trying to make her stay out of guilt for my lonely heart. So I told Danny. I spoke and I cried and I got it all out. All for nothing.
And he called me fool.
And I agreed.
I left it too late. Whether she feels anything at all for me or not, I left it too late to find out. And now I'll never know.
'The words I'd been crazy to hold back before
Came crashing like waves on a white empty shore'
I love you Sam. And now you'll never know. I'll talk to you on the phone, I'll send you a card at Christmas and Birthdays, I'll think of you often, but I'll never again hold you in my arms, even if just another comforting hug. Never again. I love you.
Goodbye Sam.
Goodbye my best friend. I wish you could have been more.
'And no-one has ever loved anyone more
One of my best friends is gone'
***************************************
THE END
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Story Notes: REFERENCE: Based on the song 'One of my best friends' Tim Rice/ Richard Kerr
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]