I look back on my life, and I can't help but feel something went wrong.
Not everything though, I mean, I got my wish, and he got his. Or rather, we got what we thought we wanted at the time. And we did want it, we did, or we wouldn't have done anything about it would we? Well...things change I guess. Wants, needs, desires, people. All those sorts of things, but I can't help but feel a certain...disappointment...almost as if somehow, this isn't the way it should have gone. But it went all right, a long time ago. I don't exactly know when or where, but things just slowly fell apart in front of my eyes. Everything else changed as well, our jobs, our friends, our lives in general, and whatever it was we had just couldn't keep up. And it was so sad to see it go.
We had a fairly good time for a while, I mean, Jack and I were married for almost four years, but they weren't four happy years. Maybe two very happy years, one middling year, and twelve awful, awful months that bring tears to my eyes whenever I think of them. It ended badly as well, which is something I would never have wished for me or him. But lives aren't made on wishes, or hopes, or dreams. Huh...It's quite sad how cynical I've become over the years, ten years ago I was wide eyed and youthful, and back then I believed I could do anything, and have anything. Oh don't get me wrong, I haven't given up on things, not by a long shot, I've just grown up is all. I know now that the world is a difficult place, and even if you work long and hard for something, sometimes, sometimes they slip away, and there is nothing you can do.
Nothing at all.
I've had boyfriends since Jack, and almost married one, but in the end I just couldn't go through with it. Huh...again. And he remarried as well, though I heard from a mutual friend that he divorced a few years ago. Not a good track record Jack, three divorces. Mind you, you are one hell of a man to live with. I should know. I don't regret it though, I could never regret it. The times we had together were some of the sweetest times I've ever had, if I let myself forget what came later.
When we first got together, it was like fire, the flames burned so very bright within us, and later, later I guess the flames went out, but we lived on basking in the heat they left for a while, before we realised we lacked the spark to restart them. It wasn't entirely down to us though, we had other problems in our lives, but even so, sometimes I wish myself back to before anything happened, back to when we flirted and teased and wanted, but daren't do anything about it. It is true what they say, the chase is half the fun...
***************************************
"Come on Carter, you know I'm right...just admit it!"
Like hell...
"No Sir...I'm afraid I have to disagree...there's no way I'm doing that!"
"Oh come on now, Daniel's always saying it's better we play along with the natives, now if all the woman gotta wrestle naked in the mud for their fertility celebration, then I say we follow suit"
This comment delivered with one of his widest, fake smiles. That man, if he weren't so damn sexy, and...oh yeah, my CO, then I'm punch the bastard right in the...
"No way...sir"
Stay calm Sam, stay calm...
"Aw go on, you know I'd do it if the men had to"
Yeah right...no way you would. I remember his reluctance on that planet when all men had to go around topless on pain of death, wearing only a very tight pair of thin trousers. I suggest this to him with my expression alone, an he just smiles even wider. Danny arrives then and sits back down with us, and looks from me to Jack with a puzzled expression.
"But Jack, their chieftain said as we weren't from here, we didn't have to join in any of their celebrations, you were there when he told me that!"
A wince from the Colonel, and a glare from me. That son of a bitch would have let me think I had to...I can't believe he'd do that. I wonder how far he'd let it go before he told me?
"Well...I just thought we should give Carter the opportunity to further her anthropological studies Daniel, I was only doing it for her benefit"
Danny just rolls his eyes and leaves again, and I get back on with setting up camp. I'm ignoring the Colonel so thoroughly that I startle when a warm, firm hand is laid on my shoulder. He's now sitting next to me, and smiles at me warmly.
"Oh come on Sam, it's not as if I'd make you do it alone, how 'bout we both do it? Fancy a naked wrestle in the mud with me Captain?"
Oh God do I ever! His dark eyes twinkle at me in his amusement, and I can't help but grin back. Mind you, my mood always improves when he calls me Sam. I'm just about to wonder what he'd say if I said yes, when the tent pole I'm holding in one hand takes this opportunity to try and spring free. The Colonel and I move as one, and after a brief struggle with the mischievous pole, we're both sitting pressed up together, and we gently realise our hands from the strut, breath trapped in our throats as we watch it tense, then finally accept it's new position. We let out simultaneous sighs, and turn to face each other. Except we're sitting so close that our noses end up being only inches apart. Oh God. I can feel my heart start to pick up the pace, and I could swear he can hear it. He looks deep into my eyes then, and I into his, and I feel his warm breath wash gently over my face as he leans in ever so slightly. He's moving so slowly, that I'm almost not convinced he is, but just as the moment approaches what I am sure would have ended in a kiss, Danny and Teal'c arrive with our gift of food from the locals, and the moment is gone. We grin and eat and carry on like there was nothing there at all, and I almost file it away as my imagination, when a glance at the Colonel shows he's looking at me, and he lifts the corner of his mouth in a brief, uncertain smile, almost in apology for what he'd been about to do. Or for what he didn't do. I give him a normal smile in return, and reassured, things go on as usual.
What I wouldn't have given for five more minutes!
****************************************
God, that was how it was between us for years! Stolen glances, rare kisses due to some other factor, and the blush inducing antics of our alternative universe selves! I mean, over the years we were in SG1 together, we met people from five alternative universes, and in every one Jack and I were together! I mean, it does get a girl thinking, and a man as well as it turns out. In one universe we already had a gaggle of kids for crying out loud! It was embarrassing, meeting the children of me and a man I'd been fantasising about for years and couldn't have! The general's face when he met our, sorry 'their' son, Adam. It was weird, that kid had Jack's gorgeous brown eyes, and a shock of blond hair that could only have come from me. Like I say, unnerving. And we didn't speak about it for ages. Funnily enough, Jack always gave me the opportunity. Ever since that alternate me came through, the one he kissed, he always asked me how I was, and how I was dealing with it. He never asked me directly if I wanted to talk, but he always made it clear he was there for me. I don't know what would have happened if we had talked at that time, but I never took the opportunity because I didn't want to make a fool of myself and end up telling him that I...well...fancied him. I suppose by the time we visited our third alternate universe, another gate error, that I realised I didn't fancy this man, I was in love with him. I never told him for a long time, but the one big change that mission brought us, was merely the first in a long line of steps that eventually brought us together.
***************************************
This is becoming embarrassing.
I smile and nod and the alternate me, another merely 'Doctor' Samantha Carter, leads me through into her lab, in her SGC. We'd been mucking about on a planet as usual, when the gate seemed to go haywire and start up all by itself, and since we were packing up to go back and were close, we unfortunately got sucked through when the unusually red wormhole opened. Another typical day for SG-1. Turns out that this other SGC had been doing experiments based on the theory of the eighth chevron that their Jack, like ours, discovered, and one such experiment had led to the appearance of us on their ramp. So, the usual shock all round, a few quick explanations, then we all set about trying to get us back home. I'm beginning to think that the only alternate realities we can access, are those that feature individuals very close to ourselves. I mean, there must be millions of realities where a different sperm won out over the one that joined with an egg to create the four of us, so I would expect to find completely unfamiliar people each time, but no. There are certainly differences, but most appear to have occurred during adulthood. So anyway, certainly food for thought, but right now we have to get home.
"Do you cut your hair like that because of the Air Force?"
Sigh. Now there's a question I hate. I especially hate it when the Colonel looks from long haired Carter's to me, as if to say 'why?'
"Uh yeah, I guess. I had long hair up until I joined up. It's just easier this way"
"Yeah I bet, I'm fed up with washing and brushing mine"
She smiles at me warmly, and I shake my head at how weird it is to be talking to myself...again. That's when I notice it. Her desk. The picture. Wow. Not again. I walk over, and gently lift the simple wooden frame. In it, a photo. Not a wedding picture this time, but one of her and her Jack lying on the sand, grinning and laughing at the camera. It looks as though they're on holiday somewhere, and by the looks of the scene, they've just been fighting or wrestling. Their limbs are wrapped around each other, they are covered with sand, and Jack has one arm possessively around her waist. They look so happy. I hear a short laugh behind me, and the other Sam looks over my shoulder.
"It took me ages to get all the sand out of my hair and costume. He really surprised me by whisking me away for the weekend that time. Is your Jack as romantic as mine?"
Romantic? Jack?
"I...uh...wouldn't know"
She looks confused, and I set the picture down and turn away. I really don't want to talk about this subject.
"You two aren't together? I could have sworn..."
I fiddle with the gate power enhancing device their Jack built, and the other Sam joins me.
"Sam?"
I Look up. She looks compassionate. Don't say it...just don't say it!
"Do you love him, your Jack?"
"No I don't love...well I mean I don't know...that is..."
Thankfully, I'm interrupted by a double chorus of "Hello campers" as the two Jack's enter. They look practically identical, apart from a nasty scar on her Jack's cheek. And so we got to work. We managed to recreate the harmonics from the accident, and we set up the gate to hopefully send us back. An hour later we stand in the gateroom ready to go.
"Come on Jack, stop worrying, it'll work I promise!" She says.
The other Sam and Jack beam at each other, and me and the Colonel wince. God this is so uncomfortable. Daniel just looks the other way, and I can tell he's sniggering.
"Well I dunno sweetheart, remember that last team we sent through with the gate hooked up to this thing"
The Colonel looks up sharply, but the other Jack is still smiling and waggling his eyebrows at us. Some joke, but the other Sam seems to like it.
"Oh Jack, behave!" She says this ending in a delighted laugh, and he takes her in his arms, hugging her tight as he looks up at us on the ramp and gives us a jaunty farewell. Finally, we move forward into the strangely magenta event horizon, and pass through. The way she said his name...I've only ever said his first name on a very few occasions, and those were special circumstances. But the love in her voice, and the way he smiled every time she called him it. God I hate these alternate realities. Thankfully though, we arrive back in the correct universe, and set about gating home. Things are a little awkward as we wait for Daniel to dial in, and as the wormhole appears and Daniel and Teal'c make to step through, the Colonel lays a hand on my arm and stops me. I look up at him.
"This is getting to be annoying" He says with a weary smile.
"You can say that again" I reply with equal weariness. We smile. Then silence. He stands there looking at the ground and shuffling his feet in such an awkward fashion that I start to worry. What if this is when he tells me he doesn't feel like those other Jack's, and that it's never going to happen?
He looks out over the sea then, biting his lip, his face screwed up. I'm about to move away through the gate when he speaks again.
"Uh Sam?"
"Yes sir?"
"How would you feel about calling me Jack? I mean, we've been a team for over three years now, and we spend so much downtime together it's silly to call me sir. So...well...do you think you could?"
Oh Jack. That's just what I wanted to hear.
"Yes...I think I could"
And we smile at each other before the wormhole takes us home.
***************************************
I guess that maybe it doesn't seem like a big thing to anybody else, getting to call him by his first name, but it was. It's not as if he forbade it or anything, and it's common for long established team-mates to call each other by first name, or at least a nickname, but for us, I kept it sir for a long time for other reasons. I think it kept some respectful distance between us. I mean, I knew that I had feelings for him, but calling him sir allowed me to keep that distance in my mind, and around him, and I know he felt that too. I was well aware of him 'checking me out' on various occasions, but the lack of any great familiarity between us kept the boundaries intact and the regulations whole. I mean he called me Sam, but not all the time, and the distinction was usually very clear. But I guess after that long, with all we'd been through, and all the time we spent together, we finally gave in and acknowledged we were friends. And friends don't call each other 'sir' I still called him that out in the field of course, and he called me Carter, but from that day on, after hours we were Sam and Jack, and that tiny change, was but the first of many.
So, after three years I was finally calling him Jack on a regular basis. And almost another year later, I was saying his name in a completely different way...
***************************************
"Oh God Jack..."
I feel him smile against my neck as he continues his pleasurable assault on my body. I love downtime. I especially love weekend downtime. A whole two days in bed. Well, it's early days yet for me and Jack, and yes, in the normal way, most of our time is taken up by sex. And what sex! I can hardly believe that just over two weeks ago Jack and I finally gave in to our urges, and kissed. It was hardly the best situation at the time. We'd been in a dirty cell for two days, and when the guards came to get us, we hugged in our fear of being separated. And in that final moment of despair, he pulled me close, and our lips met. It was hardly a romantic first kiss, more like a sad goodbye, but it was not to be. We parted, and in stepped SG-3. I've never been particularly enamoured by Makepeace, but at that moment his face was the single most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Well, second only to the sight I was greeted with when I opened my door late that night after finally having been allowed home. It was Jack. We were both tired and happy to be alive, and he just wanted to make sure I was okay. After he'd been sitting on my couch for half an hour he told me he just had to see me, as he'd been stuck with me for two days, and he couldn't quite believe we were safe. But I didn't buy it. He was hiding something.
And so, basically, to cut a long story short, one thing led to another. We talked about our brief imprisonment, and a whole host of other things. We never usually spent any time alone together, and it felt so relaxed and fun. Then we watched a ridiculous old comedy, and laughed and shouted at the screen. Then we talked some more, and he finally got round to admitting that he had been terrified that I'd be taken away, and that he'd never see me again. And then we kissed. It seemed so natural and perfect, and then things moved along to the bedroom, as they do. And now we're here, a fortnight later, in his bed.
God everything is perfect...
**************************************
And that's truly what I thought. I thought everything was perfect. In actual fact, it wasn't. We kept our relationship secret for a while, but eventually Daniel and Teal'c found out. They found us kissing in Jack's quarters on base. Whoops. But hey, they were pleased. And things carried on like that. Another few weeks later, Jack told me he loved me, and I told him I loved him. And our relationship moved forward in the usual way, as did work. We got in scrapes, we got out of them, and I never really noticed that the closer Jack and I got, the more difficult some missions became. Especially when we got separated. But we dealt with it, and we always came home safe. And then the shit almost hit the fan. We were called to the General's office, and he told us he'd had suspicions about us for a few months. What could we say? He had us, and he even knew about some of the times we'd locked the locker room door so the two of us could shower in private. If ever a moment has stretched, it was that one. Me looking at the General, me looking at Jack, him looking at me. Not fun.
He wasn't really angry though, and to be honest I don't think he was particularly surprised, it just put him in a bad position. So he bawled us out for a while about how we were letting him down, and about how he didn't want to split up the team and so on, and in the end he gave us a week off to think about what we were going to do next. He said he was not willing to let things go on as they were, and that we had better do some thinking, fast. And we did. Unbeknownst to me however, Jack's thinking was going along a totally different line.
About halfway through our time off, I had decided, and convinced myself, that the best course of action would have been for me to swap teams. I didn't want to, I would have missed SG-1 so much, but looking back now, it would probably have been for the best. Jack however, as always, had a different plan. A plan that brought him to my apartment that night with flowers, a bended knee, and a ring. What can I say? I was surprised, we had only been together five months. Sure, we had known each other a long time, but not in this way, but still, he proposed, eyes pleading, voice quavering, and I said yes. I mean, of course I did. And so we were married, and Hammond let us both stay on SG-1.
I almost wish he hadn't.
Don't get me wrong, we got married, had a fantastic honeymoon, and settled together in Jack's big house, and things were just how I'd imagined they'd be. They were pretty great. Some things were difficult though, it took Jack a while to adjust to living with me, he was so used to being alone, and for a little while I think me being there frightened him almost. And so I was very careful not to upset him. Finally though, I came home one evening after working late, to find him lying on the couch watching the TV. And when I came in the door he jumped up and came towards me with the biggest smile and took me in his arms. The fact that he was so pleased to see me made everything better. And then he berated me for being late, and I couldn't help but grin. It just sounded so good to hear him say that.
I also had a hard time learning to live with him, and to be perfectly honest, I don't think I ever truly felt entirely happy there. After we split up I thought that maybe we should have moved somewhere new, taken a while to find someplace, moved in gradually, but I eventually realised that he was just a very hard person to live with. There wasn't one single problem I could ever pin down, it was just that we seemed to clash in some really surprising ways. Still, we were good together, and we seemed to come to an understanding where we tried to skirt around whatever annoyed the other. I suppose it's one of the things that marriage is all about. Looking back, I think it was working together all day that drove a wedge between us at home. There was no having a disagreement and forgetting about it by the time we saw each other the next day, no, we took it home with us, and let it fester. I guess it is true what they say about living and working together. Sooner or later it just becomes too much. Luckily for us, it was later. But by then there were other things driving us apart.
***************************************
"I'm sorry Jack, I'm so sorry"
"Oh God Sam, it's not your fault, you can't blame yourself honey"
"It is my fault Jack, it's all my fault, I should have been more careful, I should have...I should have..."
"Sam! There was nothing you could do! Please Sam...don't"
And I cried. And Jack cried with me. Oh God this isn't fair. Was it something I did? Was it something I didn't do? Should I have worked more? Or less? What went wrong?
Jack snuggled into my neck to try and hide his tears, but his chest still wracked with sobs as he tried to comfort me, and himself. I want to go home. I want to go home. I can't stay here, I don't want to stay here. I hate hospitals, and I always have. Mind you, most of the time I've been in them either I've been hurt, or Jack, or Daniel or Teal'c, or various combinations of the above. This time was different. This was different. I feel like I've failed. I feel like I've failed Jack and I've failed myself.
My baby died.
***************************************
That was my first miscarriage.
There were no indications that I've ever have trouble conceiving or carrying a baby to term, and I was pretty damn healthy and young. The doctor said it was just one of those things, and that I was just unlucky. Unlucky? How can you call that unlucky? I felt awful. I've never felt so bad in my life. I've never felt so useless, such a...such a failure as a woman I guess. All these years in the Air Force I'd been struggling to prove to all those men that I was every bit as good as them, while still proud of being a woman. And now I 'd excelled at being equals with the men, and all of a sudden I couldn't even do the most basic of feminine things, have a baby. I always felt that that was a basic woman's right, to be able to have a baby, and I'd looked forward to eventually settling down with someone, and doing just that. Secure in the knowledge that I needed only to pick the time and place, and I would have a child. Well now I know it's not that simple, it's not that simple at all. But eventually, I felt better, and went back to work. Janet was a great help, as it turns out she'd had a miscarriage herself, back when she was with her husband. It had turned out as almost a good thing for them, as things weren't good between them by that time, but she told me you never forget, you never stop wondering why, but at least you accept. And, in time, I accepted. Jack was the sweetest, most supportive husband I could ever want, even though he was hurting as much as me, and I don't know how I could ever have gone through those times without him.
We had been married a year then, and naturally, several months later, we tried again. I got pregnant almost immediately, and we were cautious, but still overjoyed, but it didn't last. The doctors were keeping an extra special eye on me, and I did less work and everything, then, all of a sudden, two months along, with no warning, I miscarried again. I was devastated. And so was Jack. We struggled through though, and eventually there was a little light at the end of the tunnel, but I could tell something was different. After some time had gone by, Jack would bring up the subject again, but I would refuse to speak about it. He knew I was hurt, and that I needed time, but something subtle between us was lost after that second miscarriage, and due to work and a variety of other things, our lives became so busy that we never got round to trying again before it all fell apart. I don't know what it was we lost, but I think, in some ways it was a little trust. I knew how much Jack loved kids, I've seen him so happy when surrounded with them, and it was natural that we were expecting to have some of our own, and when I couldn't, he was so very disappointed. In me. He never said so, and I know he never would, but I think a little part of him blamed me for not giving him kids, and another little piece of Sam and Jack faded away.
I often wonder what would have happened if we had tried again, and been successful. Would we still be together? Mind you, if everything afterward had followed the same, no we wouldn't. We had just been very unlucky, twice, and there was nothing we could do about it. I spent a lot of time wondering if there was something the gynaecologist had missed, that maybe there was something really wrong with me, but eight years ago I proved myself wrong and gave birth to a son, John, with no problems. I had him with my then boyfriend, the one I almost married, and no he wasn't planned, but if this baby was going to last to term, then there was no way I was going to get rid of it. This might have been my one chance, and I wasn't about to let it slip away. Greg, my boyfriend, was a little unsure, but he played along for a while. I guess things had never really been that great between us, and so we eventually abandoned the idea of marriage, and went our separate ways. He surprised himself by loving fatherhood though, and is a devoted Dad to John, and visits several times a week, and takes him for weekends and so on. We had an amicable split. I wish Jack and I could have separated on friendly terms. I lost my best friend when I left. But I guess it just couldn't be, there was too much bad blood between us. I heard from Daniel that Jack had a daughter, Amy, with his third wife, and in a way I was relieved. I was glad he was a Dad again, and I hope that that would take away some of his anger.
After the miscarriages, we had another happy year together, and then things started to go downhill at work. I don't know what made Jack do it, but he started to take more and more risks on missions. He always was a bit gung-ho, and God knows his mouth got him into trouble on more than one occasion, but he started doing stupid things, putting us all in danger, and this finally got him called up in front of the general. He got an actual real serious caution, and was even given forced downtime for a while. I had control of SG-1 while he was at home, and to be honest I enjoyed it immensely. It was around then that the three of us and our temporary replacement officer from SG-7 got in serious trouble, and I had to get us all out. We managed, and made it home after two weeks, and I got another promotion for my trouble. Jack was there to greet us when we came through the gate, and we had a joyous reunion, but there was an underlying current that hadn't been there before. I think maybe there was a little jealousy there, at my promotion, and also maybe a little anger that I'd got into trouble when he wasn't there to rescue me. After that, our missions together were no longer enjoyable, and we spent most of the time second guessing and picking at each other. It didn't make for the most fun times off-world.
***************************************
"What the hell was that?"
Don't you even start with me, just don't you even start...
"Shut up Jack, we have to get back to the gate"
Uh-oh wrong thing to say. He grabs a hold of my arm and swings me around with such force I drop my sidearm. His eyes are blazing with his anger, but I step coolly away and retrieve my gun. We don't have time for an argument here and now. Jack however, has other ideas, and he grabs me again, moving his face right up to mine.
"If you ever disobey me again I'll..."
"You'll what Jack? Look, things changed in there, I did what I thought was right and we got out okay? Can we go now?"
He lets go of my arm, but is still glaring at me. I turn and walk towards the others, and Daniel is watching us warily. He's been very quiet lately, I think he just doesn't want to get in the way of our bust-ups. His eyes are full of concern, but he knows not to butt in.
"Guys? We better go now, this building doesn't look as though it's gonna last, I'll go dial us out"
I move off, but when Jack doesn't follow I turn back. He's standing looking at the ground and his face is a sketch of confusion. I know what he's thinking. He's thinking what happened to the fun, the camaraderie, the working as a team. What happened to us?
"Jack?"
He looks up angrily, but the anger fades when he sees my face is a mirror reflection of his own.
"Let's go home...please"
He nods once, and follows me. We move towards the gate, and just as we reach the others, the walls give way, and the last thing I see is his concerned face as he reaches for me, then everything fades to black...
***************************************
And that was my last mission as a member of an SG team.
I broke my pelvis, my left femur, and several ribs when that wall fell on me, and I never quite recovered. I'm okay, I mean, to look at me you'd never know, but I don't have the strength and the stamina I used to, and three weeks later I was declared unfit for active duty. In a way it was a relief, because sooner or later I think Jack and I would have strangled each other if we'd remained in SG-1, so for a while, things improved. I eventually healed and came back to the SGC as a scientist. SG-1 got a new member, and things moved along. Jack and I were fairly happy then, and we even started to talk briefly about trying for a family again. We never actually discussed anything solid, but it began to creep into conversation again, and once more our lives were filled with smiles, and love.
After a while I began to get restless in the SGC. I think I was a little jealous of Jack and the others this time, going out there and exploring. I still had to save the world on a semi-regular basis, but I began to get annoyed with always being part of the solution, and not the cause. So, after a year, I retired and was employed by the government in research. I actually got to help implement some of the things we'd brought back through the gate, and I really got back into my work as a scientist. I loved being in the airforce, but after I couldn't go out there and be all active, it seemed silly to be stuck somewhere in-between, so I had a change of tack. It was sad to leave the SGC, but I knew I'd see Daniel and Teal'c and Janet and my Dad anyway, so it didn't seem so bad. Unfortunately, this move put another nail in the coffin that was our relationship, and Jack and I came to blows once more.
I knew that since I was no longer Air Force, I no longer had the clearance I used to. Although General Hammond certainly trusted me, I was no longer privy to things I once had been. At first this was okay, but after a while it seemed that Daniel, Teal'c and I had less to talk about. Sometimes I felt like an outsider in my own house. They would come round, we would have fun, then I would go out to get food or whatever, or return home from an evening out myself, and when I entered the room the conversation would stop. I hated those moments, and I know Daniel did as well. And Jack? To be honest I think Jack felt betrayed. He felt that somehow, by leaving the SGC I was also in a way leaving him, even though I was still there. And we started to argue worse than before.
**************************************
"C'mon Daniel, you knew what that guy was talking about, just admit it!"
"Jack! I had no idea, oh, thanks Sam!"
I hand out beers for all, and take a seat next to Jack on the couch. We're having our weekly get together, and Danny and Teal'c are both comfortably installed in our living room for the evening.
"Yeah well anyway Jack, he said that..."
"Danny..."
Jack stops Daniel, and flicks his eyes at me. I look down at the floor. I hate this. I hate it when they have to stop talking because of me. And I hate it when Jack enforces the rule. Jack is sitting quietly, feet drawn up, beer half-empty in his hand. He's staring fiercely at the TV, and won't look in my direction. We've been drinking for a few hours now, and already we've had a few cross words. This is the norm these days, the arguments, the sullen silences, and we haven't slept together for weeks. Danny leans forward a little, and smiles apologetically.
"Sorry Sam"
Jack snorts, and takes another swig of his beer. I shouldn't have given him another. He's had far too much already.
"Huh, well it's her own fault, she wanted to go off and play scientist"
That hurt. That really hurt. Especially in front of our friends. I think that's what he hates most of all. The fact that I chose scientist over military. At least before we had something in common, something that brought us together, now I've chosen the part of me that he doesn't understand, and even dislikes sometimes. The military can't be the only thing that brought and kept us together can it? I won't believe that, I won't. But I also won't rise to Jack's sniping.
"Jack, stop it will you"
Danny comes to my rescue. I'm a little surprised. Normally Daniel just looks uncomfortable when we fight, but I guess he's as sick of it as I am. Jack isn't going to stop though, he just laughs, and puts his feet on the coffee table.
"I'm just glad to see Sam has her priorities right that's all. She's picked being a scientist over being on SG-1..."
"Jack, it wasn't her fault, she was injured..." Danny tries to interrupt, but Jack keeps going, talking to his bottle.
"And she picked being a scientist, over me"
And I slap him.
I slap him across his stupid ignorant face, and everything goes quiet. How dare he say that, how dare he? I admit I've been spending a lot more time at work lately, but it's not because I don't want to be with him, it's just I don't want to fight, and that's all we've been doing lately. I would pick him over anything, at least, I think I used to feel this way. What has happened to us? What on earth happened to what was the best relationship I've ever had?
Jack takes a few seconds to recover, and when he does his face contorts with anger, and he turns slowly towards me.
"That was a big mistake..."
He's looking at me with such hatred that tears spring to my eyes and I start to tremble, afraid he'll hit me. It's all gone wrong, it's all gone wrong. Daniel just sits there not breathing, and Teal'c has risen slowly to his feet, perhaps expecting to prevent any violence. And then I seal our fate.
"Fuck you Jack, just fuck you!"
I get up from my seat, throw my bottle down and leave. And as I slam the door I hear his voice calling out after me.
"Yeah, well don't come back!"
****************************************
And I never did.
Not even to get my stuff. Janet and Daniel did that for me. I stayed with Janet for a couple of weeks, and by the time I'd been there a while Jack began making overtures of peace. It was hard to swallow my pride, but I'd been just as bad and cruel to him over the months as he had, and so we met up. We actually had a good couple of 'dates' and I was tempted to move back, when I heard from Janet that he'd been seen kissing someone else. I was livid. Surprisingly, he came to tell me about this before he even knew I knew.
****************************************
"Sam"
"I know Jack...I know all about it"
He just looked at the ground. He looked so very sad, I just wanted to hold him, but I held back.
"Sam...please come with me, we need to talk"
And I went. We went to a quiet bar we used to frequent, and started to hash out our entire relationship.
"It was just a kiss Sam, that's all...and I really don't know why I did it"
He pulled his drink back and forth on the table, and I just sat and looked into mine. This was this strange feeling in the air, almost as if this was the end, or our last chance, and I knew that no matter what topic came up, there would be no shouting, no hitting, just talk. We both felt so very weary, and it looked as though he'd had as much sleep as I had lately.
"Do you want her?"
Her. An old friend of his who works at another bar downtown. He looks up and meets my eyes. His are full of sorrow, and regret, but I can't help thinking that this has come entirely too late.
"I...yeah I guess, but I don't love her, and I would never do anything about it. I love you"
And I just nod. Okay. So we still love each other. What else?
"What happened to us Sam...what happened?"
I sigh and look down. He reaches out tentatively and takes one of my hands. That once familiar touch now seems a little alien, but the warmth feels good.
"I don't know Jack. I guess it was a lot of things. Work, friends, my miscarriages"
He looks down at that last one, and grips my hand. It still hurts him that much. Then he shakes his head, looks up and gently touches my cheek.
"Sam, I never ever blamed you for that, please believe me. It was never your fault"
I smile a little, and he joins me. Maybe there is hope?
***************************************
But there wasn't. We had a proper conversation that night, talked like we hadn't in years, hashed out a lot of things, but although we got rid of a lot of bad stuff between us, when that was done, there was nothing left to fill the void. Nothing. And that was I think the biggest disappointment in my life. So we finished talking and drinking, and we made a promise. We decided to spend a little time apart, and then see how things went. I moved away closer to work, and he moved to smaller place, but somehow, somehow things just slipped away, and we never kept our promise.
It's one of those things I guess, like how you promise and intend to stay in touch with someone who's moved away, but you never do. That's how it was with me and Jack. Regardless of the conversation we had that night, and some smaller ones after, our relationship and our marriage ended that night I left the house, and it ended badly.
After another year, my lawyer got in touch with his, and we agreed to divorce. I hated that. It was like having to admit we had failed, but I just didn't have the energy or will to try. Maybe I should have, maybe we should have, but I think we just wanted to put it all behind us, and move on. I still see Daniel and Janet, and even Teal'c sometimes, but not half as much as I used to. A lot of things have changed. Hammond retired several years ago, and Jack took command for a little while, then he left the SGC and took a training job so Danny tells me. That was a surprise, I never imagined Jack would leave the SGC before he had to. Daniel said he just hated being a desk-bound general, and that he thought that something had just gone altogether out of Jack's life and soul. I don't know about that, but I'm glad that he's at least out of harms way. Daniel's married now, very happily, to a very pretty and intelligent Major from the SGC. Daniel married to the military, who would have guessed! And Teal'c, he's just Teal'c. Apparently he had a relationship with some young lieutenant, but Daniel says Teal'c won't give details. They both still work at the SGC, but as advisors. They rarely go through the gate these days.
I had my son, and Jack married and had his daughter, and divorced. Well I hope he's with someone and is happy now. And that's how things went. I still...I still...yes...I still love him. I love him so very much and I don't think I'll ever stop. It's funny. When I think about Jack, I can't help but feel we did something wrong, and that somehow we should be together. I mean, I know many relationships are just transitory, and that nothing lasts for ever and you move on, but I just feel that Jack should never have been one of those transitory men. Maybe if things had been different, maybe if...The weirdest thing is, I often had a niggling little thought that we took a wrong turn somewhere, and that all the bad stuff really shouldn't have happened. It's just we never hated each other, any anger and hatred we felt was because of outside forces. Irrational I know, but I can't help myself. And you know what that niggling little thought is? It's that we should have waited. We should have waited. Even at the time I felt maybe we rushed things, not just getting married, but all of it. Yes I loved him and wanted him and he loved and wanted me, and our jobs being as dangerous as they were, we both felt we had to take the chance in case it was taken away. But I think it was wrong. I think we should have waited till we were in the position to have a proper normal relationship, when it wasn't forbidden, didn't have to be secret, and could be tested and tried out in the real world and we could make our own decisions. But we didn't. We didn't and it went wrong. Mind you, if I had to choose between never having loved him, and having what we had, I would still do it again. When we were happy, we were very, very happy. I just wish we could have been happy all the time...
Enough Sam. Enough dreaming and wishing and enough hindsight. I guess that's what you get when you're tidying up and find your wedding photo. I wonder if his hair's completely grey now. Heh...I should get on home. It's been a hard days shopping, especially considering Johnny's picky taste in food. Mind you, it's a while yet till I have to pick him up from school, so I think I'll stop for a coffee. I pull the car into a handy space just down the street from my favourite coffee place, and find my favourite corner booth and order a cappuccino. It's so nice to relax and have some time to myself. Much as I love that little scamp, he can be so tiring! Even in the short time before I drop him off at school! Still, at least it's Friday, and Greg's picking him up tomorrow. A little peace.
The door creaks then, and I look up automatically from my coffee at the stranger coming in the door, only it isn't a stranger at all, it's the last person I ever expected to see. It's Jack. This can't be happening, this is too weird a coincidence. Does this sort of thing happen in real life? Can you think about someone for the first time in ages, only to see them the next minute? I'm still pondering this thought as I watch him take a seat at the counter, and order a coffee. He's in his civvies, so he must be having some time off. I can't believe that he looks exactly the same. His hair is still a salt and pepper mix, but it's short now like it used to be, which makes him look younger. There's a few more lines on his face but apart from that, his body still looks trim, and he looks just like he did when I last saw him all those years ago. I don't know what to do. Should I go over there, or shout on him, or ignore him? Should I make an effort and start a conversation, catch up on the old days? I don't know. I don't know what the protocol is for this kind of ex-spouse chance encounter type situation. Luckily, as I'm sitting here muddling over it, the decision is taken away from me. The assistant hands him his coffee, and as he pulls it towards him, he suddenly stops, and his eyes drift unerringly towards me. Blue eyes meet brown eyes, and for the slightest fraction of a second, it's like that moment so many years ago when we first met around the conference table in the SGC. We just look for a second, then he speaks.
"Sam"
It's not a greeting, it's more of an whispered exclamation. Another few seconds and we start to smile, hesitantly, in tandem. He gets to his feet, and indicates my table with his mug.
"You mind if I...?"
"No...uh sure...sit down"
He slides into the chair opposite me with his usual cocky grace, and I feel a wider smile tugging at my lips. He places the mug on the white table top in front of him, and curls his hands around it. Then we stare some more. I suddenly feel very conscious of my shoulder length hair and my wrinkles, but he instantly says the right thing.
"You look great Sam"
He smiles, and I smile back, flicking a glance to the top of his head.
"So do you. I like your hair"
He laughs, but it's a little forced and it stops abruptly. It's not going to be that quick and easy to slip into old conversation. He fiddles with the handle of his mug, and I glance away. This was probably a mistake. He probably felt he should at least say Hi, but this is so very awkward. Why did I have to stop for a coffee, and what is he doing here anyway?
"Umm...you on leave?"
"I officially and finally retired last year from active duty. I'm teaching now. Advanced special forces type stuff. Pays the bills I guess. You still working at that lab?"
I gulp a little, and try and keep my smile. His is still there, but it's strained. I never imagined the conversation moving so quickly into some of the areas that were our biggest problems. That lab was one of the biggest wedges between us, and I left there soon after I left him.
"No, I left there years ago, I'm local now. It's a smaller place, but it's still for the government"
He smiles genuinely, and shakes his head at something he's just thought of. I look puzzled, and he leans forward a little to share his joke with me.
"Huh, so I'm spending my days lying on the couch eating pizza and you're still saving the world"
And we laugh. In fact we laugh so long and so loud people turn to look at us. I feel laughter tears in my eyes, but then suddenly I catch his glance, and we stop, both a little surprised. It's been so very long since I laughed at one of his jokes. Even while we were still married, I stopped laughing at his jokes a long time ago, especially at those in very bad taste jokes that he used in the most inappropriate situations. I never imagined we could slip back into our old roles so easily and after so much. Him the joker, and me the only one who laughs.
I've missed this, I've really missed this. I've missed laughing as much as I have missed laughing with Jack. I've been so busy living life lately, that I haven't really been enjoying it. There's another pause, but this time it's a comfortable one, so I feel safe asking him more personal questions.
"Daniel told me you have a daughter"
His face lights up. It looks like it did when I told him I was pregnant. I just wish I could have given him a daughter. Still, now I have Johnny that thought doesn't hurt half so much.
"Yeah, Amy. She's almost six now, and she's great. Ah, her mother and I split up. We were never that great together, and we just kind of drifted apart. She still lives close though, and I see Amy all the time. She's amazing"
He pauses then, and looks at me with a funny expression. He twists the mug about on the table, and he looks like he wants to say something or ask me something. Does he know I have a son? I'm sure Daniel would have told him. Maybe he feels a little tactless about crowing about Amy because I couldn't give him a child. He looks up then, his brown eyes gentle, and speaks softly.
"Daniel told me you have a son"
I smile warmly at the very mention of John's existence, and Jack smiles with me.
"Yeah, Johnny. He's eight, and he's a real handful"
He grins, and then his face goes suddenly slack, and a little pale, and he starts to scrabble in his jacket pockets.
"Jack? Is anything wrong?"
His head snaps up at the mention of his name, and I blink a little in surprise at that. Huh, I guess we got so used to acting how we were before this whole mess started, maybe I should have called him sir!
"Uh...no...it's just I have something...something for you..."
He has something for me? After all this time? What on earth is he talking about? He finally drags his wallet from his back pocket, and after a short rummage he withdraws a fat folded paper item and tries to straighten it between his fingers. It's a plain sealed white envelope, fluffy and torn with age, and he gingerly hands it over to me. I take it, confused, and as he watches fretfully, I straighten it some more and rip down the seam while glancing at Jack. I reach inside and find a card. I have to jiggle it slightly to extract it from the creased envelope, and when I finally get it out and look at it, I suck in a surprised breath.
It says 'Congratulations on the birth of your baby boy' on a blue background, with a picture of an angelic baby on the front. I open it gently, and inside is written 'Congratulations', signed simply, 'Jack' I hold the card in my trembling fingers, and I have to bite my lip to hold back tears.
"I...I meant to send it, I really did, but I just never got round to it, then you moved, and...well, you know. I just wanted you to know how happy I was for you after...after...well...you know. After what happened with us"
I can't believe he's been carrying this around all these years. I can't believe this even occurred to him at all. This man could be the most stubborn, pig headed man I've ever known, but still he surprises me with these extraordinary moments of sweet thoughtfulness. He wanted me to know he was happy for me, that he was glad I'd had a child. Oh Jack. I fold the card up and slide it back in its envelope, and hold it between my hands as I look at the tabletop. Jack extends one of his hands to cover mine then, making me glance up.
"I didn't mean to upset you"
"No...no you didn't. Thank you Jack, this, this really means a lot to me"
He withdraws his hand then, and I feel its absence in my heart as well as on my hand. I can't believe I'm been speaking to this man for two minutes and I'm already choked up.
"Are you and Johnny's father still together?"
He asks this in such a matter of fact way as he sips his coffee, but his eyes stray nervously around the room, from wall to picture to my face and back again. Maybe Daniel never told him this. I mean. Daniel and I haven't spoken that much recently, and certainly not about me and Greg. Maybe he does know and he wants to bring it up. Yeah Sam, like he cares. He's just being friendly and concerned.
"No, we never married. We just never worked out. He's a great Dad to Johnny though" He smiles, probably at the word 'Dad' He certainly seems to be proud to be one again.
"Do you have a picture of Amy?"
He gets his wallet out again, and hands it over. Through the plastic window on one flap a beautiful little girl with dark eyes and hair looks shyly out, dressed in a silk blue dress. On the other side is one of Jack with her on his knee, both grinning madly. He nods at me, and I reciprocate, handing my purse over. It's the same. There's one of Johnny with his catcher's glove on, and one of me with him on my shoulders. He has my blue eyes and a mad clump of light brown hair like his father. We both smile at the pictures. It's weird, I find myself wondering what our children would have looked like if we'd had them. Probably a girl and a boy, a couple of years between. They'd be older than these two now though, but still, I have the funniest feeling that these perfect looking children should have been mine and Jack's. Jack whispers softly at me then, surprising me with his words, never taking his eyes from the photo of my son as he speaks.
"These two should have been ours"
He rubs a thumb over Johnny's picture, and catches my stare with his. He's looking deep into my eyes, and his are so dark and silky, I almost fall right in like I did so many years ago.
"What went wrong Sam?" He says quietly. It's not so much a question as a sad statement about the past.
"I...I think we took it all too quickly Jack, it all happened too early"
"A case of right person, wrong time huh?"
"Maybe"
He thinks for a second, but only for a second. "No...not maybe. Definitely"
He slides my purse back to me, and I do the same. Maybe you're right Jack, maybe it was the wrong time. As for the right person? Well, I've never loved anyone as much as I loved you. As I love you. But what's the point in thinking like this, we had our shot, and we blew it. Chance over, and you don't get a second one in this game, do you?
The conversation changes then, and for the next while we talk about Daniel, Janet, Teal'c, Hammond, the state of the world, Graham Simmons' five kids, and just everything. We talk about our kids, and the crazy things they get up to, compare school plays, sports days, that sort of thing. We laugh, and we smile, and as we talk I feel almost like I've gone back in time. Almost like we're still in.
He finishes his coffee with one gulp then, and places the mug back on the tabletop. He puts his wallet back in his jeans pocket, and straightens his jacket. He's going to leave. Oh well.
"It was nice...seeing you Jack"
He looks confused for a second, then smiles and reaches out once more to cover my hand with his. The touch is so warm and familiar, it almost feels like I've come home.
"I wasn't going, are you in a hurry?"
"No...I just finished shopping, but I have to pick Johnny up soon"
"Oh"
That's all he says. But his hand stays on mine. Feeling like it's my move, I turn my hand underneath the warm palm, and entwine my fingers with his. He smiles further and gives my hand a squeeze, and for a minute we just sit
and look at each other. What am I supposed to say now? I don't even know if
I'm supposed to say anything. I feel like there's this tremendous air of expectation, of something, but all we did was talk about our lives. That's all. A few minutes to say Hi to an ex-spouse, that's all. That's all.
"I...I better go Jack"
He pulls his hand away, and standing, he picks up my jacket and holds it out for me. I shrug into it and thank him. He extends an arm in a sweeping gesture towards the door.
"Can I escort you to your vehicle Ma'am?"
"Yes you may"
We walk outside laughing, and down the far too short walk to my car. As we get closer, I feel myself becoming more tense, and I swear Jack is too. Is this it? Do I get in the car and drive off and never see him again? Oh for God's sake woman, you haven't seen or thought of him in years! Okay...blatant lie. Seen? No. Thought of?...all the damn time. And now we have to walk away again, like we did before, let it all slip away. It's been too long Sam, don't kid yourself, don't make believe it could all work now, there's been too many bad things and too many years between us to get anything back now. Hasn't there? Steeling myself, I open the driver door, and make to get in. A hand on my arm stops me and I turn around. Jack stands there, a mixture of things playing across his face as he fights with some inner demons. I wonder if they are the same ones I fight with? Maybe he just wants to say goodbye, and tell me to have a good life, before I was going to just rudely get in my car and drive off without a word.
"Sam...could I...I mean...do you think...ah damn!"
He lets go of me and balls his fists and clenches his teeth. I just stand there holding my breath. He struggles with himself for a minute, then just blurts it out.
"Sam I'd like to see you again"
I don't know what to say. See me again as what? As a friend? As something else? We've only spoken for an hour! I haven't seen you in years! We're long divorced! We should never have banged into each other. Maybe this is wrong, maybe we should stay the hell away from each other. I couldn't bear to hurt him and be hurt by him again. I couldn't bear to lose him for a second time.
"Jack..."
He looks down at my words. He thinks I'm going to say no. I should do, I should do. I watch him, and he gives a little sigh, then speaks so very softly I almost don't hear.
"I...I still love you Sam"
He still loves me? How can he still love me after everything? After all that, after all that time, and those other people? How can he still love me? My brain is still pondering this question while my mouth takes things into its own hands and speaks for me.
"I still love you Jack...but"
"Sam, I'm not saying we could, or should...I'm not saying things would be...it's just...what if you're right Sam? What if it was just the wrong time? This could be our time Sam, it could be our..."
"Second chance?" I say this with a curled lip and a hint of sarcasm, but Jack takes a step forward and takes my hands in his.
"Yes...why not?"
God. An hour ago I was lamenting about my lost life with Jack, and now he's here, he's here and he's practically asking me if we can try again! This is unbelievable! And unrealistic...
"Jack...this is just..."
"Come out with me tonight Sam. Just for a drink. Please"
"I can't, I'm taking Johnny out tonight, and I..."
"Tomorrow then" He interrupts. And I stare open mouthed up at him. Just one night, just one drink. That wouldn't be stupid would it? If that went wrong I could just leave, I have no ties with him now. If we didn't get on, I just walk away...Once again, my mouth takes the initiative before I can stop it.
"Okay"
He smiles. The smile is so warm and enticing, it provokes one in me. I can't believe this. I take a card from my purse and scribble my address on it. He takes it reverently in his fingers, turns it once or twice, then places it securely and carefully in his wallet in front of the picture of his daughter in her beautiful dress. He opens the car door for me, and as I go to get in, he turns me with hands on my shoulders, and looks me straight in the eye.
"No promises"
"No promises" I reply in agreement.
He leans forward, and gently presses his lips on mine. I press lightly back, and after a few seconds he moves away, and my heart gives a wrench inside me. It obviously affected him as well, as he has to swallow and take a deep breath, reaching one hand up to wipe at his eye. Kissing him, kissing him brought it all back. I never really acknowledged until now just how much I would give to be back then, back when we were happy, back before it all went wrong. How much I would give to be with him, the only man I ever really loved. I get in the car, and as I start it up, he places a hand against the side window, fingers gently trailing down the glass as if he'll never see me again. I'm fighting back tears by now, and I see moisture at the corners of his eyes, so I mouth the word 'tomorrow' at him, and he smiles my favourite smile and steps back. I pull away then, but can't help watching his stiff waving figure as he stands on the sidewalk.
I move along the streets almost absently, then finally come to my senses, and head for Johnny's school. This is crazy, this is absolutely positively the craziest thing I've done for a long, long time. Jack, my old friend, old lover, one time husband, previously having not spoken to for years, turns up as a result of the most unlikely coincidence either of us have experienced, and asks me out. Oh and that's not the crazy part, oh no. I said yes. I said yes. I could be doing the stupidest thing I've ever ever done, but what if it's not? What if it's not? Well if it's not, then I can't wait to see Daniel's face!
I draw into the side of the next street, and step out just as the school bell rings. I stand and peer over the fence with the other parents, and I almost don't have time to prepare when an over exuberant boy flings himself into my arms.
"Hi Mom! Did ya have a good day?"
Some kid, asking me if I had a good day. I put him down and ruffle his hair as we walk to the car.
"Yeah...yeah I did" I reply, smiling gently.
And inside I'm thinking, yes, it was a good day. And maybe, just maybe, it might be one of the best...
***************************************
THE END
***************************************
Yeah so it's a sappy unrealistic happy end. But that's good isn't it? :)
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]