samandjack.net

Story Notes: Steps 13: ruth@snowqueen.demon.co.uk

ARCHIVE: Sam and Jack, anyone else please ask

SPOILERS: 2010

SEQUEL: A sequel to First Steps, Step Two, Three Steps Forward, Four Steps Back, Timesteps, Six Steps, Alternate Steps, 100 Steps, Grey Steps, Next Steps, Step Beneath, New Steps. If anyone wants any of these just let me know.

NOTES: Continuing my challenge response :):).


It's been ten years.

Ten years since I lost my little girl. Ten years since I lost my husband....Ten years since we met the Aschen.

I'm due in Washington....but I can't stop myself lingering at the graveside. I buried them side by side. He only outlived his daughter by six months, but it seems natural for them to be together. He loved her so much.

We called her Elizabeth. I remember us arguing happily over baby names....he wanted to shorten it to Lizzie...I insisted on Beth. She was the most perfect baby; blonde hair, blue eyes, and she hardly ever cried unless it really mattered. We were all so happy....and then we met the Aschen.

I hear someone approach....footsteps crunching on gravel.

"You ready to go?"

"In a second."

"Sam..."

Nodding, I rise, letting him take my hand. Wouldn't do for us to be late. I let him lead me away from the cemetery....Joe, my second husband.

"You okay?" he asks.

"I guess...I saw the doctor today."

"And?"

"He says we have to keep on trying."

I feel his disappointment as his hand tightens on mine.

"Not that I mind the trying part," he adds. "It's just that I thought we'd be working on our second child by now."

We've been trying for three years. I remember another part of my life, when having a baby seemed so important....I got pregnant then, why can't I do it now? Oh the Aschen doctors say there's nothing wrong with either of us...but why can't I have a baby? I sound so pathetic, but Joe wants this as much as I do. It's the one part of me Jack had and he doesn't. Even if Beth didn't live long we still experienced the wonder of being parents.

Every time I leave Colorado Springs, I feel my heart ache. I hate leaving them behind....alone in the cold , hard earth. Part of me truly died with my daughter, another part of me with Jack. Joe has everything that's left, but I can't help wondering how much of Samantha Carter is still here. Not the military....Earth no longer needs defending, the Goa'uld threat is gone. The scientist....is still trying to catch up on a thousand years of advancement. So where does that leave me? I'm the wife of Earth's most revered ambassador, I'd like to be a mother....I guess I have a lot to be grateful for.

During the final battle, we lost so many people. I had to push my personal grief aside and I don't think I ever truly had the time I needed to mourn. Oh, Joe was wonderful. He was the one who finally got me through it....and I fought him every step of the way. But he never gave up and eventually I grew to care for him. I still feel guilty for marrying another man, but it wasn't like my last few months with Jack were very good.

When Beth died, he went into a deep depression. At first he blamed the Aschen. Jack had never agreed with the treaty....it was the reason he resigned from the SGC. But they couldn't have saved Beth...no one could. After a while he started blaming himself. I was busy and I wasn't paying as much notice as I should. Since he retired, we barely saw each other. I told myself that when the war was over...but Jack didn't wait that long. He told me he was going up to the cabin for a while, just to get his head together. I saw him leave with a smile on my face, telling him to come back soon.

One week stretched into two before I thought of going up there to check. I was the one who found him. The coroner said he'd been dead a while. Which meant he must have done it as soon as he arrived. Jack never had any intention of coming back to me. I suppose I shouldn't have been as surprised as I was. After his first child had died, Jack had become suicidal ...If he'd have said something.....The guilt almost destroyed me, but I had some good friends, I had Joe and eventually I got better.

I still can't think of Jack without experiencing a profound sense of loss. I miss him. His smile, his mercurial moods, his sense of fun. Sometimes I can't help wondering what would have happened if the Aschen hadn't arrived? Where our lives might have taken us?
Joe brings me out of my introspection, placing his hand on my waist. We transfer to Washington with the minimum of trouble, finding ourselves outside the Stargate terminal. Traffic through the 'gate is usually pretty heavy, but that's nothing compared with the people who are here today. The terminal is crowded with humans and Aschen. Joe and I have a little difficulty in making our way to our assigned positions.

I smile at the people standing at my side, and they return he gesture. None of us feel really comfortable being the centre of attention. Me, Daniel, Teal'c...

"Kowalski?" I whisper to Daniel out of the corner of my mouth.

"No one could find him," he replies.

That figures. He was the only one who agreed with Jack about the Aschen. I find it hard to believe that he's still holding a grudge, not after all this time. It's a shame. I would like to see Charlie again.

The crowd falls silent as a team of airforce officers mount the steps and stand before the gate. A giant screen descends from the ceiling.

"Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States," a voice announces and President Kinsey's face appears on the screen.

He makes a reference to the mission where we met the Aschen, the work carried out by SG-1. He reads from Jack's mission report...Hearing my former husbands words brings a lump to my throat. I'm standing here with SG-1 in place of him and it feels so wrong.

"Doctor Samantha O'Neill, Doctor Daniel Jackson, Teal'c....will you please step forward?" the President asks.

We do as requested, turning to face the crowd. Medals are placed about our necks, the airmen fire their weapons in honour...the Aschen all put their fingers in their ears. For a race who eliminated the Goa'uld so ruthlessly, they are certainly squeamish about guns.

At the reception afterwards, we find ourselves instinctively grouping together. Nervously sipping champagne as we try to recall the reasons why we used to be so close. It's been six years since we last saw each other. Life has taken us in many directions. Daniel to the university, Teal'c to Chulak, Janet...

"At least your job hasn't been made obsolete...." she sighs, breaking off when she sees someone walking up to us...."Mowlem?"

The Aschen looks apologetic as he speaks to Joe.

"Forgive me for interrupting, Ambassador, the Aschen delegation is eager to hear about your visit to the South continent."

"It'll be my pleasure," Joe replies, then turns to me, "I think we can safely assume that I'll be late."

He kisses me briefly,

"Doctors, Teal'c, congratulations again," he finishes, before disappearing.

I turn back to my friends.

"So, where are we going?" I ask.

"I had planned to return to Chulak," Teal'c replies.

"Oh, c'mon, we haven't seen each other in ages...please."

"Very well."

A small flood of happiness gushes through me.

"Dinner?" Daniel suggests

We all agree, indulging in a round of friendly kisses before our party breaks up. Janet and I wander away from the others. I can understand why she's frustrated. With all the advances the Aschen have given us, she no longer seems to have a role. I'm not a lot better. Being a lab assistant, isn't what I had in mind with regards to the advancement of my career. It's at times like this I really miss the Airforce.

"So, tell me, by any chance are you and Joe....?" Janet begins.

"Not yet," I admit. "They say it isn't either one of us. We just have to keep trying."

"You know, they still let me keep an office in Washington, even though I don't have anything to do. If you like, we could go check you out."

"They said I was fine."

"Sam, the medicine I practise may seem to come from the dark ages now, but I was your doctor for a long time. How long have you been trying?"

"Almost three years."

"Yes."

What is she suggesting? I can tell by the expression on her face she thinks there's something wrong. I know we've been trying a long time....In the old days we probably would have been started on some type of treatment by now. Hormones, IVF...and there's the fact that I had no real problems getting pregnant with Jack. If Janet checks me out I can finally be sure.

"When can we do this?" I ask.

*********************************************************************************

I can't believe it. I can't believe they looked me in the eye and told me I was fine. Janet's right. There is no way they could have missed this. God, when did it happen? What did I do? Why did they lie to me? In the depths of my mind I'm starting to think that maybe, just maybe, Jack was right all along.

Mowlem suspects something. I mean I'm never late for work...never. He hesitated before giving me core access, but he really didn't have any reason not to let me into the system. The holographic interface flashes before me, the alien symbols rushing across the screen.

"I'm in, I'm in," I tell Janet.

I was worried there for a second.

"It's asking for search parameters," I go one.

"Try medical records," Janet suggests.

"I don't think I'll find anything specific to me in there. "

"So maybe this has happened to other people too. General search, reproductive statistics."

The screen changes, flashing up a picture of the globe....some areas are marked in red.

"This can't be right," I mutter, forgetting for a moment that Janet's standing beside me. "If I'm reading this correctly, the world-wide birth rate has dropped over ninety percent in the last two years."

"What?"

"That's what it says right here. These are Aschen numbers."

"But we would know!"

"It's happened everywhere the anti-ageing vaccine has gone. "

"Turn it off!"

"They're doing it systematically."

"Just turn it off, please. We can't let them know we know."

"Mowlem...."

"Sam, you're on the inside, you don't see them the way I do."

"Janet, they have done this to us deliberately, we have to do something!"

"I know, but not here. We'll talk about it at the restaurant....I have to go."

Janet's right. We can't do anything here. I let her go before turning back to the computer. There is something else I need to check. Just after Beth was born, I let the Aschen doctors check her over. They wanted to examine a human child....and she happened to be on hand. Jack didn't want me to , but I ignored him....I was full of the joys of universal harmony, even if he wasn't.

The Aschen keep records on everything...even that far back. It takes a while, but I do find her name; subject 1, Elizabeth O'Neill. I'm relatively calm as I read the notes. Seems that the anti-ageing vaccine wasn't the first method they tried. We always though that it was some alien virus she picked up for myself for Jack....it was alien...but it was deliberately injected into her poor defenceless body. They...they gave up the experiment because other children began to show immunity....so they turned their attention to the adult population.

They killed her. They killed my little girl .

It's all I can do to shut down the system. I have to get out of here....I have to...I don't know. The way she used to smile and laugh and wave her little feet in the air. The way Jack loved her so much. He used to do everything for her; change diapers, feed her in the middle of the night, nothing was too much trouble if it involved his daughter.

"Dr. O'Neill? is there something wrong?" Mowlem's voice grates on my nerves. He sounds so calm, I just want to rip his head off...but I don't. Some part of me is still thinking logically and I know I can't let him suspect I want to disembowel him with a blunt spoon.

"I just have a headache," I reply.

"Perhaps you should let our doctors examine you?" he offers.

"No. I'm going home. Today has been...very exciting for me."

"Very well. I will see you tomorrow, Dr. O'Neill."

"Sure."

Even after I get out of there, I don't know what I'm going to do. I find myself wandering aimlessly around Washington. Was it only this morning I left flowers on my baby's grave? I'm numb as I go home and change for dinner. There's a coldness in my heart that's only going to ease when I see every member of the Aschen race suffer.

"Now I wish we could take it all back," Daniel says.

His words send my mind racing...take it all back...

"Maybe we can....take it back," I begin, carefully.

"How?"

"General Hammond showed us."

"He left us a note."

"What are you talking about?" Janet asks.

"A number of years ago, a freak accident sent us back to 1969," I explain.

I remember that mission well. I had temporarily replaced Kowalski on SG-1 and Jack wasn't talking to me. It was after that regrettable incident with Martouf. I think of Jolinar's lover with a certain fondness. In some ways he was lucky he didn't survive to see this. Most of the Tok'ra were wiped out along with the Goa'uld. As Daniel said, some of them might have survived, somewhere. I've always hoped that Dad may be among them.

"Think about it, we could send ourselves a message," I finish.

"Wait a second, I thought you said it was impossible to predict the exact moment of a solar flare?" Daniel says.

"For us, yes it was....but with access to the Aschen computers. .."

"Just a second," Janet interrupts, "we are considering changing the lives of the entire human race on Earth. Do we have that right?"

"If we don't we will live to see the end of the human race on Earth."

**********************************************************************************

After we finish, I go home. It's difficult for me, but the others were right. I do have to keep this from Joe. I know he would try to help, but he would be forced to do something official and that's the last thing we need. He isn't home and I recall him saying he would be late. Probably for the best. I can be asleep by the time he gets back.

This house is very different from the one Jack and I used to share. It's larger, huge grand rooms with high ceilings....just the residence for an ambassador and his wife. I've never really missed Jack's house before tonight. But now I would give anything to be able to step out onto the deck and smell the honeysuckle that used to grow in the garden. Somehow the perfume was always stronger at night. Jack would come out and slip his arms about me....like he did the night before he left. He led me to the bedroom and we made love. It had been the first time since Beth had died...it was also the last. Jack used to make love like he had all the time in the world.

Despite my best intentions, I can't sleep. I lie there in our big bed, tossing and turning, trying to find a comfortable spot on the pillow. When Joe comes in, I'm still awake.

"Honey?" he questions. "You shouldn't have waited up."

"I didn't, I just couldn't sleep."

Then I realise how bad that sounds and quickly amend my words.

"But I'm glad you're home."

"Are you okay?"

I knew the second he saw me, he'd realise that something wasn't right. Reaching up, I pull him down beside me, taking comfort in his arms.

"It's so hard," I whisper.

"I know, but you said yourself, we just have to keep trying."

He starts to stroke my hair. If we do this I'll lose him. I love Joe...despite the fact he isn't Jack, I do love him. I'd like to think that part of me will miss him. ...but if we do this, the chances are we'll never meet. If we do, I'll be married. My feelings are in turmoil. Which is why, when he finally sleeps, I crawl out of bed and get dressed. I need time to think and I can't do that here.

I pull on a pair of jeans and a sweater. Sloppy clothes that make me feel a little more like myself. I write Joe a short note and leave the house. Walking through the streets of Washington, I can't help remembering how things used to be. There was a time when I wouldn't even have considered being out here alone. The Aschen have changed all that. I don't think there are any bad places anymore...there aren't any good ones either. As strange as it may seem, the world is too safe...like there's nothing to fight for anymore.

Without meaning to I end up at the Stargate terminal. At first I think about taking the next trip off-world, but then I realise there's somewhere else I have to go....Minnesota. I haven't been to the cabin in years. Considering the last time I was there, it's hardly surprising. Somehow, I need to go there tonight. It's a place I can think, and maybe remember the reasons I have to do this.....become closer to the man I lost.

The sun's coming up when I arrive. I take a deep breath of the chill air, just losing myself in the beauty that surrounds me. I've been away too long. Joe isn't really the outdoor type. He wouldn't know what to do without his cellphone. As for camping out...he wouldn't have any idea.

The cabin looks better than I expected. I paid someone to come in once in a while to make sure the roof wasn't leaking and to carry out any maintenance. Sentimental reasons really.....or maybe I always knew I'd be back. Taking out the key, I let myself in. The furniture should be swathed in dust covers, but someone's taken them off. Now that I look around, I see obvious signs of habitation. I should have noticed before, but I was too wrapped up in myself. Instincts I thought long forgotten suddenly kick in. I have the insane urge to reach for a gun...but I don't have one, not anymore.

"Hello?" I shout.

That's probably a dumb thing to do, but I'd rather face whoever it is than wander around waiting to get attacked. I' not surprised when I hear footsteps.

"So...come back to view the scene of the crime?"

I know that voice. It's been years since I've heard it, but I'd recognise it anywhere.

"Kowalski?" I can't believe what I'm seeing.

"You used to call me Charlie."

"Charlie...what are you doing here?"

"I needed somewhere to live, away from the Aschen. Jack always said I could stay here anytime I wanted."

"It's good to see you."

"You too.How's the beloved ambassador?"

Charlie never did forgive me for getting married again. He thought I should spend the rest of my life mourning for Jack...

"So what are you doing here?" he asks me.

"I...."

I realise that I don't know how to answer that question. I sit down, holding my had in my hands.

"Sam....Sam are you okay?" Charlie asks.

The derisive tone has gone from his voice. He sits beside me, awkwardly taking my hand.

"A few days ago, I found out that I couldn't have any more children," I begin.

"I'm sorry to hear that," he replies.

"It's worse. They're wiping us out. Everywhere the anti-ageing vaccine has been distributed."

"Oh God!"

"And this isn't their first attempt. I found evidence that they...they were experimenting on children...including Beth. It wasn't something she picked up from Jack or I. God, he knew. He knew and I wouldn't believe him. He killed himself because I...."

The tears are running freely down my face. I start digging in the pocket of my jeans, trying to find a handkerchief.

"Sam, wait a second. Jack didn't kill himself," Charlie says.

"What do you mean?" I gulp.

"Jack found something. He never said what, but we were supposed to meet here. I was late and the Aschen had already arrived. Jack must have thought it was me and let them into the cabin. They made it look pretty convincing."

"And you never said anything? You let me come up here and find my husband's body! You let me think he'd committed suicide!"

"Sam, I tried, but you shut me down.....just like everyone else at the SGC. then the Aschen found out and I was next on their hit list. I couldn't help anyone dead.

We've all been so blind. I want to get angry with him, but I can't. It feels like I have nothing left. Everything I've relied on for the past ten years is crumbling away. I have more reason than ever to change what happened.

"Charlie," I begin, "I have and idea, but I need your help."

**********************************************************************************

Being back at the SGC was...a little strange. The guided tour was even stranger. Jack seemed to be everywhere I looked. There was a really nice picture of him outside the Gateroom....with the rest of SG-1. I put away all the photos I had, but now I'm wondering if I shouldn't get them out some time. Speaking with Charlie took a great weight off of my mind.....but I need to drag myself away from the past.

I'm lying on the bed, fiddling with the belt of my robe, rehearsing what I'm going to say to Joe. He's a good man, I'm certain he'll help...even if I can't tell him exactly what we're going to do.

The door opens and my husband walks in, setting his jacket down.

"How are you feeling?" he asks, sitting beside me on the bed.

"I'm fine," I lie. I'm not fine, I may never be fine again.

"Mowlem said you left the lab. feeling ill. You're just depressed, we can keep trying."

"No we can't Joe. nobody can."

"What are you talking about."

Then I explain. I expect him to be angry, but all I see in his face is confusion and concern.

"You're wrong," he tells me.

"I saw the numbers, Joe."

"The Aschen doctors said you were fine."

"This isn't just about me. I read it right from the Aschen terminal. The birth-rate has been cut by ninety percent."

Again, he doesn't react like I want him to. It's as if he's calculating something. Doesn't he care that we can't have children?

"It was supposed to be a third of that," he mutters, almost to himself.

I feel like I've been punched in the gut. He knew...all this time we were trying and he knew. If he knew about this the what about Jack? What about Beth?

"You...knew?" I ask, unable to believe what I'm hearing.

"The Aschen insisted on it. They think further than we do. They knew that, if we didn't limit our growth...."

"Is that what you call this?"

"This obviously isn't what we agreed to."

"I can't believe this....."

I scramble to my feet, unable to stomach sitting so close to him. Hell, I don't want to be in the same room. If it wasn't for the fact that he can get us the iris remote, I would be tempted to revive my hand to hand training. He knew and he didn't tell me. So all that time we were trying, he was just getting his kicks! Jack may have had his faults, but he would never have betrayed me in this way.

"I have to talk to the President," Joe tells me.

"Yes, you do, but not about this."

Pulling the replica from under my pillow, I hand it to him.

"I need you to replace this remote with the one on the President's desk without being caught and bring the other one back to my lab. I need you to do it first thing in the morning."

"The President's a busy man..."

"Come up with some excuse, I don't care, but if you say a word about what I just said, they will kill you. "

"This is an iris remote."

"Yes. "

"I don't understand, what could you possibly....?"

"I need it."

"You'll have to tell me more than that."

"I can't tell you more."

Reluctantly, he holds out his hand and takes the remote. He's doing this because he loves me. That should make me feel good, but it doesn't. I realise now, there's only one man's love I want. I pick up a pillow and the quilt, dragging them behind me as I exit the bedroom.

"Sam, where are you going?" Joe shouts after me.

"The guest room."

"Honey, we can work this out."

"Joe, they killed my husband, they killed my daughter and now they're killing my planet. You could have stopped them. Excuse me if I don't want to be near you right now....I'll see you in the morning. "

My intention is to try and get some rest. Tomorrow is going to be hard, but there's no way I can sleep. I find myself rummaging through an old box, trying to find my photos. The ones I want are right at the bottom.

The first one is of my family, just after Beth was born. I'm sitting on a bed in the infirmary, holding my baby close, Jack is behind me, his arms wrapped around both of us. Daniel took that picture. The next one was take by Jack., sneaking in while I was nursing Beth. I'm completely oblivious, my attention focused on my baby. We should have taken dozens of photos, but these are the only ones I have. I flip to the next. ...Jack and I on our wedding day, just after we got back to Earth. Jack carried me over the threshold into the SGC...nearly breaking his back in the process. I look at myself, wearing Teal'c's fatigues, my belly swollen with pregnancy. Life seemed perfect then.

It will be again. It will be....I'm going to give Jack and Beth another chance...not to mention the rest of the human race.

*********************************************************************************

"Elizabeth?" I suggest.

"Lizzie...yeah, I could go for that."

"Beth."

"What?"

"If we shorten it, let's use Beth."

"Beth....Bethie...."

I sigh to myself, giving my husband a playful slap.

"Of course it might be a boy," I add.

"How about...John?"

"I'm not having two in the same family."

He runs through a series of names, none of which sound suitable. This baby had better be a girl or it's going to end up with something like Bra'tac!

Jack shifts on the bed, moving a little closer. It's been so hot lately, I've taken to sleeping naked....which he just loves! Tonight, I'm more uncomfortable than ever. I just can't seem to find a good spot to sleep. Not to mention indigestion. I don't know what I've eaten, but something is definitely disagreeing with me.

He isn't supposed to be here tonight. SG-1 was scheduled to visit P4C-970, but the mission was scrubbed. I wasn't on the base at the time and getting the full story out of Jack was an effort. He said they got some kind of note warning them off. I would have been sceptical, but it seemed that General Hammond took the whole thing seriously and locked 970 out of the dialling computer. Apparently the note was in my handwriting....which was weird...and it was covered with blood. My blood. Makes me wonder when I sent it....and what could have possibly prompted me to alter the timeline. It must have been something pretty serious. I look at Jack, feel my baby and wonder.

"You know this is our one month anniversary," Jack begins, his hands starting to wander.

I can't believe he's thinking about sex....well I can believe it, but I'm just too hot and uncomfortable. I pull away from him and head towards the bathroom. I'm up to once an hour now. At least that's what it feels like. This indigestion is getting worse. Whatever was in that sauce Jack made...and I thought his cooking was getting better.

"Hey beautiful..." he calls after me.

"This isn't beautiful, this is uncomfortable," I tell him.

He just grins. It's all right for him, he doesn't have to carry this weight around with him. Jack and I are both tall people and I think this kid is going to take after us. I'm certain I'm bigger than I should be.. I rub my extended stomach, trying to calm the pain that shoots through me.

"Sam, are you okay?" Jack asks.

"Fine, why?"

"I don't know, you just seem different tonight."

"Apart from a touch of indigestion...."

It happens again and I feel my face crease up.

"Uh...Sam...I don't think that's indigestion."

"It can't be, I'm not due for another two weeks."

"Baby says different. C'mon, get dressed, it's infirmary time."

Jack has planned this like a military operation. He barely gives me time to go to the bathroom before he's bundling me into my clothes. He picks up my bag and starts helping me outside. It's at times like this I really wish he didn't drive a truck. Unfortunately, my car is in the garage.

"Jack," I gasp.

"What?"

"Go and put your pants on."

"Right."

I don't think Jack assisting at the birth wearing nothing but a pair of Simpson's boxer shorts would be quite proper somehow. Not that there's anything wrong with his body, but it's something I like to keep all to myself. He comes back in a couple of minutes, fully clothed, with his shoes on....

"Let's go, " he grins.




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