Sam's Journal - Entry I (dates don't matter)
Daniel is back! He was not dead, after all. And everything we went through, as horrible as it was, served us well. I believe that his absence from the team made us all step back and examine ourselves; examine our feelings, our commitments, and our strengths. At least, I know that's what I have done. I now know that I love Daniel like a brother. His disappearance hit me with the force of a hurricane, and I suspect that, in Colonel O'Neill's case, this was also the case, judging by his reactions.
This is why I have started this journal. When we went to Daniel's apartment to pack it up, believing he was gone forever, I found his own journals. He had been recording our missions, but more importantly, he had been recording his thoughts and feelings about them. And it made me think that I could use an outlet like this. I have no one to talk to. No intimate friends, and my family…
My brother and I are not close, and it's not just because he lives in San Diego and I am wherever the Air Force sends me. Our relationship suffered tremendously when I decided to join the military. He is still angry about that, and he feels I let him down. Mark still blames the Air Force and our dad for our mom's death. Dad's priorities got our mom killed, as far as he is concerned. I disagree, but I was never able to convince him to forgive Dad, like I did. I know Dad already feels responsible for her death, and he'll never forgive himself.
It did not help that our relationship with Dad was not a strong one. He was gone a lot of the time while we were growing up, and when he was home, he did not know how to relate to us. He never understood that he could not order us to think like him. He could not order us to understand his absences, when he could not even talk about where he had been. And he could not order us to love him.
My relationship with Dad continues to be strained, despite the fact that I forgave him long ago, and that I do love him. He has always tried to tell me what to do. And I have to admit that my response is often to do exactly the opposite, even when I tend to agree with him.
Jonas, and the engagement fiasco, was a direct result of my father's interference. The moment he found out I was dating Captain Jonas Hansen, he made it his business to investigate him, and then tell me all the dirty details of his career. He told me that I should stop seeing him, that he was no good, and that I could do much better. My response was to accept Jonas' proposal to marry him.
Yes, I knew Jonas was damaged. He had suffered as a result of his black ops missions, but he had been trying to pick up the pieces and go on with his life, and I thought I could help him be happy. I had also been swept away by his relentless pursuit of me. No one had ever been so intent in gaining my affections before. I had always been very successful in discouraging men from digging too deep into my emotions. The moment I felt vulnerable, I ran.
Jonas never gave up. He kept coming back, even when I became nasty. His response to my meanness was to make me laugh. He could be quite the charmer when he chose to be. And he eventually breached my barriers, and claimed my heart. What a horrible mistake that ended up being for both of us!
The first time he hit me, I asked for leave and left town. Not only was I trying to put distance between Jonas and I, but I also did not want my father to find out. We were both in DC at the time, and he would drop by and visit unannounced when I least expected it. I did not want him to see the bruise on my cheek. He would have immediately known where it had come from. I didn't need him to tell me "I told you so", as he surely would have done.
Jonas had been drunk, and having some flashbacks. He had pounded on my apartment door at 0300 hours until I woke up and let him in. He had tried to make love to me, and I had refused, knowing he was drunk and out of control. I never saw the fist coming. I was lying on the floor, with a groping drunk on top of me before I realized what had happened. But he was no match for me in his condition, and I was able to defend myself. He realized, too late, what he had done. I demanded for him to leave, and he did so, begging for my forgiveness. I responded by pushing him out of my apartment and throwing my engagement ring at him, telling him not to ever come back.
But he did. He kept calling me, coming to my apartment, and begging me to forgive him. He swore he would never drink again, and he never did. But that did not stop him from hitting me a second time. It happened when I told him I was moving to Colorado Springs to join the SGC. I was ecstatic with happiness. I had worked for two years on the Stargate project, and here was my chance to finally become an important part of it! I could not tell him any details about my work, and he became furious, demanding that I stay and marry him, as I had promised. That's when I realized that my career was too important to me, and that I would never give it up for any man. I told him so.
What happened next is too painful to remember. He hurt me, but thankfully did not mark my face, which would have been too embarrassing given that I was due in Colorado Springs the next day. I hurt him back, and I broke up with him for good. He knew there was no going back. Not after what he had done to me, cold sober. So he accepted my decision. And I had not heard from him again until he joined the SGC months later.
Now that he is dead, I can see so clearly why I fell for him. He was charming, attractive, and very good in bed, yes. But the reason why I let him into my heart was because he had been as emotionally wounded as I was. I had been unable to hurt him further by pushing him away. And at the end, that was exactly what I had had to do. I will always wonder if I did not contribute to his madness.
Maybe writing in this journal will help me relieve some of the tension that plagues me. So many thoughts fly through my mind sometimes that I am unable to sleep or concentrate on my lab work. Maybe I can release some of my burden here, at home alone in the evenings, on these white pages. I guess it is worth a try!
Sam's Journal – Entry II
Despite the close call with Hathor, I am on top of the world! Yes, I got a commendation, but that's not the only reason. I finally feel that I have gained the respect of my CO, something that took a while longer than I had anticipated.
I also feel that I gained a new friend. Dr. Janet Fraiser and I have connected, and I finally realized how much I had missed having a woman friend with whom I could talk to. I think I can trust the little doctor. But I will continue writing on this journal as long as it serves its purpose.
Colonel O'Neill's attitude towards Daniel and I had been changing for a while. He had been more… patient, if such a word can be applied to my CO. At the beginning, he seemed to barely tolerate us. His eyes would roll back into his head and his whole body would slump when we would try to explain something during a briefing. He would interrupt us and summarize what we were saying in a few action-oriented sentences. His only interest was to determine what had to be done, and how we would do it. He did not care about whys or ifs.
He is still impatient, and still rude, but not as much as before. I'll even say that he is… fond of us. I can see it in his eyes when we ramble on about something he absolutely has no interest in. Sometimes he'll just sit back and watch us with a half smile on his face, not saying a word until someone asks him a question.
I have to admit that I had to make a conscious effort sometimes to be patient with my CO, and accept that he did not have a whole lot of respect for me. But I do think that this has now changed. He listens more. And he doesn't make fun of me, the way he did at the beginning.
I use to be mortified by this! I was always on the look out for one of his sarcastic remarks. And they did get to me, even though I knew he probably did this to everyone. That's not the case anymore.
I remember the first time I met him, and how he immediately put me on the defensive. I was thrown by his antagonism, especially when my heart had been racing at the mere sight of him. I had read everything about Colonel Jonathan "Jack" O'Neill that I had been allowed to, but I had not seen his picture. I had not been prepared for the raw sexuality and magnetism the man radiated. He looked dashing in his dress blues, and his eyes when he held mine were so deep, so… never mind that!
Up to this day, I still think he undressed me with those eyes during the first few seconds of our first meeting. I saluted smartly, hoping to break his train of thought, but his eyes kept digging into me, until Kowalsky interrupted.
Poor Kowalsky. He was a good, fun guy after all. He didn't deserve what happened to him. And I saw how much it hurt Colonel O'Neill not being able to help him. Although he handled the situation with the aplomb that I expected of a man in his position, the sadness in his eyes is still there when we mention Kowalski's name. So we don't anymore.
I better stop writing about my CO. As far as I could tell, he is still in love with his wife, for one. For seconds, regulations would never allow me to look at him as anything but my superior officer. And for thirds, we are too different to really become friends. I had mistakenly thought that he did not want me in his team because I was a woman, but it turned out he hates scientists. Oh, well! Tough for him!
That was my reaction that first day anyway, and some very embarrassing and inappropriate words came out of my mouth. I still can't believe I mentioned my internal organs or that I really challenged him to arm wrestle! No wonder he had no respect for me after that!
The next thing he did to annoy me was the shove he gave me the first time I stepped through the gate. I had been lost in wonder at what was before me, and the next thing, I was tumbling in a frigid abyss. I felt slightly insulted at the time, but chose to ignore it. I wasn't about to create any more waves in an already turbulent pond.
And let's not forget his delight at my discomfort with my Shavadai dress. While Daniel and Teal'c were sincerely flattering in their reaction to my blue outfit, Colonel O'Neill did nothing but smirk. He enjoyed my situation immensely, and I wanted to smack him for it. It didn't matter that he said I looked great. I really did not believe him, and just wanted to slap his amused face. By the end of that mission, though, things started to change between my CO and I. I think an important step towards respect was achieved when I beat Turghan. I know Colonel O'Neill had been dubious about my fighting abilities, and he had been ready to intervene. I am forever grateful to my many combat instructors that he didn't have to.
Oh, he still mocks me and teases me sometimes. He is also a flirt. I'll never forget his remark about my tank top after the embarrassing incident with the alien virus. To think that, of all people, my primitive self chose him as a mate! So much for my much talked about intelligence! It must have been completely dormant during the episode. I tell everyone that I don't remember much about it. But that is not quite true. I do remember going to the locker room with the sole intention of seducing him, and I remember I thought it was perfectly OK to do so at the time. Regulations, propriety, and the fact that he might not have been remotely interested, never crossed my mind. I just needed him so badly! And the more he fought me, the more I wanted him. I also remember asking him if he didn't want me, and his response to that. "Not like this," he said. I remember that clearly. And those words haunt me when I'm alone in my bed at night, thinking that it has been way too long since I made love to a man.
It's true that I don't remember anything after he dragged me to the infirmary. They must have sedated me, or something, and then I was too far-gone. I just remember waking up to see Janet's concerned eyes, and her subsequent smile when I asked what had happened. Daniel shared with me later how and why Colonel O'Neill attacked him. He had reacted like a jealous mate, a very primitive and possessive mate. And I have to admit to myself that I felt thrills of excitement run through my insides when Daniel, very matter of fact, related the event to me over lunch. My CO never mentioned it. And I chose to never touch the subject, after the comment about my tank top. Especially when I secretly enjoy his flirtatiousness way more than I should.
I just realized that this whole entry has been about my CO, which is kind of disturbing. It must be because of that awful nightmare! I woke up in the middle of the night last night and I know I was dreaming about him. About him and Kynthia. That was not a fun mission! Not only did I have to watch him get sexually involved with an alien woman, which I thought was highly inappropriate, but we almost lost him! I dare say Colonel O'Neill learned an important lesson. Stick to MREs during missions! I had already learned my lesson after the embarrassing incident at P3x-595. I am not proud of the fact that my whole team is now more familiar with my anatomy than I would choose. No more native drinks for me!
Anyway, I am happy today. It was a trying experience, but we came out on top, the rest of the women and I. Two points for us!
Jack's Journal – Entry I
I don't know why I'm doing this. I don't even like computers. OK, I do know why. Daniel told me it might help. I have to vent, and working out with Teal'c sometimes just doesn't cut it. Especially when he's the one beating the crap out of me.
Daniel says writing about his feelings has always helped him deal with his darkest emotions. He suggested it might help me with my feelings of frustration and anger. He said it was better than shaking Carter until her teeth rattled, as I told him I wanted to do.
The silly girl could have gotten herself killed! For nothing! It would not have saved Cassandra. We would just be mourning two people instead of one. The fact that she was right and no one died doesn't really make me feel any better about her disobedience.
At first, I was too relieved to be angry. But once we got here, back to the base, I started to fume. I wanted to go and find her. I wanted to shake her, yell at her, and then hug her. I'm glad she's all right. She is an important member of my team, and I do admire her intelligence. She is not just smart. She is brilliant, and witty, and sweet, and has a great sense of humor. She laughs at my jokes, even when no one else does. That's important to me. That's important to have in a team. A good sense of humor can save lives.
Well… look at that! Daniel was right! I'm not so angry anymore. But I still have to have that chat with Carter. I'll give her a break this time, but I will not put up with it a second time. And she needs to know that.
Sam's Journal – Entry III
Janet is thinking about adopting Cassie. I hope she does. I'd hate having to say goodbye to our little alien friend. She managed to get under my skin so quickly that I never knew what hit me. The feelings she awoke in me took me completely by surprise.
Maternal feelings, I suppose. I am rather normal, after all. I've always liked kids, but never saw myself as the maternal type. I guess all women are pre-wired for maternity, like it or not.
Having gone through hell when I thought I was leaving Cassie to die alone, I almost wish those feelings had never been awakened. I felt like my heart was being torn out of my body. Leaving that scared little girl alone in that room was most definitely the hardest think I had ever had to do. And at the end, I just couldn't do it.
Half way up in the elevator, the thought hit me. She was no threat, as long as we kept her away from the gate. No, I was not positive about that, but it gave me the excuse to go back to her, and to hold her in my arms. I didn't really care if I was wrong. She wouldn't have died alone.
Colonel O'Neill reprimanded me in private. I disobeyed a direct order, and he could have made my life very difficult if he had chosen to. He pulled me into his office that afternoon and in no uncertain terms told me that he expected my blind obedience from then on. I could only say "Yes, Sir," although something in me wanted to argue. I had been right! But one look into those stony dark eyes convinced me to keep quiet and lower my eyes to the floor in proper shame.
"You could have died, Carter," he said to me in a gentler tone. "It would have been such a waste!" he added when I just nodded. I said I was sorry, and he let it go. I still don't know why. But I'm glad that there will be no mark on my record. I realize he is giving me a chance here, and I don't want to blow it. I'll follow his orders to the letter from now on without any arguments.
OK. At least, I will do my best to try.
Jack's Journal – Entry II
I feel the need to write again. It was a close call for my buddy, Teal'c. And I realized today how important he has become to the team, and to me personally. The notion of letting him be executed for past affronts in the name of a false God never crossed my mind. But it obviously crossed his.
I had never realized how deeply tormented my quiet friend was. He is the strongest, most lethal warrior I have ever known. And he was willing to go to his death meekly, because he thought he deserved it.
All I could see was an anguished soul, suddenly faced with the opportunity to atone for his sins. I could swear he almost welcomed it.
Things turned out all right, but they left me thinking. How can I help Teal'c? How can a man like me offer any kind of emotional support to someone like him? I have my own demons, and I struggle with them daily, quite ineffectually if I must admit. A nice bottle of booze is still the solution to too many sleepless nights.
Not so long ago, I saw one of these demons in the flesh, with the face of my long lost son. Guilt.
Just like Teal'c must face it and deal with it, I am faced with it every time I look at Charlie's sweet face in a picture. Feeling his small hand within mine once more almost unmanned me. Seeing Sara, and watching her cry again over our son, reminded me how miserably I had failed her.
Guilt. The most helpless, worthless, useless emotion of all still rules me. And it also rules my friend.
I guess that's why I connected with Teal'c so easily. We are twin souls, dealing with similar issues. We understand each other. Ours is not a friendship of words, but of deeds. Ours is a friendship born of understanding at the deepest, darkest levels. And we lean on each other without others noticing it. We depend on each other to face what is still ahead, waiting for us. We depend on each other to convert our guilt into something worth feeling.
I'm glad he's still with us.
Sam's Journal – Entry IV
I got to know the real Teal'c today. I realized I did not know him at all before. I thought I had, but I had just gotten used to having him around. I had learned to trust him, despite my initial wariness. I had become comfortable in his alien presence. But I did not know him.
The deeply remorseful man I met today did not bear a resemblance to the strong, invulnerable warrior I thought I knew. How wrong I was! I thought I had gotten to see his weakest side when we went to Chulak to save his son. He had been ready to die for Ry'ac then. But I have to say that such a thing did not surprise me. Parents will die for their children.
This time, Teal'c was willing to die for his sins. Even though dying did not serve any true purpose but to satisfy a son's need for revenge. He seemed to understand this need perfectly. It makes me wonder what happened to Tealc's father. But I will never ask. Teal'c is not the type of person you go up to and ask about deeply personal matters.
Yes, Teal'c is still strong, and he is still a warrior, but now I can see the gentle man within. I now can clearly see the part of him that could still cry or break. I guess he is not so alien after all.
Daniel's Journal – Entry 27
"We are too young." That seems to be the consensus. Or more to the point, we are too primitive. Jack hates hearing that, but I suspect it is true.
I had not written on this journal for a while. Not since Sam found it when they thought I was dead. Having them read even a few lines of my writing made me feel vulnerable, almost violated. So I put it aside until now.
But now I need to write about the marvelous discoveries of the last few missions. I need to record the fact that we are not alone in the universe with an evil race bent on subjugating humankind. There are allies out there, and we are a few steps closer to finding help. Although they don't want to have anything to do with us so far, I'm sure that things will change. They have to.
The Nox are pacifists. They will never fight, but there are other ways they could help us. They proved this when they responded to our message and came to pick up the Tollans. And I have to say that I really, really like them. They have reached a level of enlightenment that we could only wish for. They are a truly beautiful, gentle, kind race. And I'm glad they are on our side, although they claim they are non-partisan. I know that, if push comes to shove, they'll side with us.
The Tollans are arrogant in their superiority. But they mean well. They truly believe they are protecting us by denying us access to their technology. This is something else that may change in the future. They owe us one. That, and the fact that they originated here on Earth, also puts them on our side. Jack doesn't like them, but something tells me that we'll be seeing them again. At least, I think we'll be seeing Narim again. Judging by what I witnessed between he and Sam, he will be motivated to return at some point. I doubt I would be able to forget about Sam Carter if she kissed me that way, and I am a married man!
Thor's people, whoever they are, are the most promising so far. They are actually protecting a planet from the Goa'uld. They are clearly superior to the snakes, as Jack calls the Goa'uld, or they would not be able to do so. Jack also mentioned something about a treaty that the recorded message in Thor's Hammer quoted. And the most important thing is that they have the technology to remove a Goa'uld symbiote from its host without risk to the host. We must pursue whatever means we can find to again make contact with this race. We need them. Sha're needs them.
I have my fingers crossed that they will be in touch with Cimmeria, and that Kendra will be able to deliver our message. All we can do until that happens is to continue our search, and hope that we come across more allies, such as the Furlings. We still have no idea who or where they are either. But I'm hopeful.
Jack's Journal – Entry III
Those arrogant, self-righteous, condescending, good for nothing S.O.B.s! The more I think about it, the more pissed I get at them. Maybe I should have let the Tollans stay stuck on Earth. It would have served them right!
All we find, at every turn, are primitive, beaten, helpless humans abandoned to their own resources by an uncaring "god". And when we finally find beings that can help us against the struggle we face, they think WE are too primitive to deal with.
How the hell do you make them understand that their lack of involvement brings them to the same level as the Goa'uld? Don't they realize how many millions they are sacrificing with their indifference?
I guess I kind of understand the Nox. They are against all violence. I respect that. And Thor's people do seem to be doing something, if not nearly enough. But the Tollans take the cake! I know that they could help us. They just refuse to do so. Something tells me that their apathy will eventually come back to bite them in the ass!
Sam's Journal – Entry V
Narim is gone, along with the rest of the Tollans. I think I'll miss him. Or at least I'll miss being able to kiss him. It had been too long since a man had made me feel wanted. I have been so immersed in being a good soldier that I had neglected the fact that I am also a woman.
His kiss rekindled something I thought I had buried pretty effectively a few months back. And I'm having a hard time digging up a hole deep enough to bury it again. As if the first time hadn't been hard enough! I thought I had been successful, until last night.
I dreamed about him again! It was almost the same dream, but not quite. This time he did not reject me. This time he kissed me back and we made torrid, passionate love in the locker room. I had not had this dream for weeks. I suppose it is usually more a memory than a dream. He fights me and then drags me to the infirmary. And all I want is to wrap my arms and legs around him, feel his mouth on my mouth, feel his skin against mine, and his… GOD! This is so embarrassing! I have the hots for my CO!
I realize that my feelings come from my deep admiration of him. I am kind of in awe at his accomplishments, as I am very much aware of his record. I have a huge amount of respect for him, but I am even more painfully aware of how attractive he is, despite he being almost fifteen years older than I am. I suppose it is normal for me to feel this way, and it is harmless, as long as it remains a platonic crush that no one knows about. It is the typical professor/student syndrome… thing.
Crap! I just hope he does not realize that I feel this way. I would have to ask for reassignment, and lose my position in SG-1. I would also be humiliated and embarrassed. Imagine that! Captain Samantha Carter had to be reassigned because she could not control her hormonal attraction to her CO! Beautiful thing to have on your record!
Thank you, Narim, for reminding me that I need to get some! I should just go to a bar and pick someone up, like some of the girls around here do. I wish I had the nerve. Who am I kidding? Despite the many admiring looks I get around here, all I have to do is open my mouth and men start running, or ducking for cover. It was that way in school, it was that way at the academy, and it will always be that way. At least that's the way it is with normal men. The lunatics seem to have no problem taking me on. I guess that alone says something about me! Face it, Samantha Carter. Some women are meant to be wives and mothers. Others, like you, are meant to have a career. Deal with it!
Daniel's Journal – Entry 28
We found Sam and Jack! Jack is in critical condition, and Sam not much better off. But we found them alive. And we found a second Stargate!
I wonder how it ended up in Antarctica. Could it be the very first gate here? We found a frozen jaffa under the ice. What could that mean? There are so many unanswered questions!
Sam's distress at Jack's condition is obvious in that she has not even talked to me about the second Stargate at all. All she cares to talk about is Jack, and the fact that she failed him. I keep trying to reassure her. Jack will get better, and she did nothing wrong. On the contrary, she kept him alive until we found them. But she just doesn't see it that way.
Janet is concerned about her. She is actually more concerned about Sam's emotional state than about Jack's physical injuries. She knows that Jack will heal. She's not so sure about Sam's self-confidence.
Sam's Journal – Entry VI
I failed miserably! And my CO almost died because of me! If it wasn't because of Daniel, the Colonel and I would be dead right now. I still can't believe we were on Earth the whole time. And that it never occurred to me to dial anything but Earth's address.
He is out of danger, thank God. He will heal, and his sense of humor is back. When I brought him his lunch tray today, he asked me if I had included enough ice cream. He said he had grown a taste for it. I wished I could have laughed. Instead, I felt like crying.
I didn't cry, of course! I won't cry in front of him. I do enough of that alone at home. I feel so confused on top of my guilt! I had naively thought that my feelings for him were nothing but a harmless crush. I found out differently in Antarctica. The feeling of desperation that grew in me when I realized he was dying almost drove me insane with grief. And why did it bother me so much that he called for his wife? Even someone as inexperienced as I am knows that I should not feel this way if what I feel is just physical attraction.
I don't really know what I feel. Some days I could deck him in exasperation. Other days I feel like an inexperienced cadet when I talk to him. Other times I feel like giving him a hug. And he always makes me laugh! Especially when he says something obtuse. What does this mean? Am I in trouble?
Regardless of what it is I'm feeling, my only option is to go on like nothing has changed, and pretend he is not special to me. More importantly, he must never find out how I feel, for obvious reasons.
I am just thankful that he did not die because of my stupidity! I feel like I need to prove myself all over again. Daniel thinks I am being crazy, and even suggested that I talk to someone. But I can't! I am terrified that something I say will give my infatuation with my CO away.
Jack's Journal – Entry IV
We had to leave them behind. We left them, and we have to forget that they exist. Otherwise, how can we live with ourselves? I know that the robot Jack O'Neill feels exactly the same way I do. And I know what I would feel like if I were sentenced to live forever as a second-class mechanic in that Godforsaken planet.
And robot Teal'c probably feels the worst. His skills as a warrior can never be used there. He will only be good to move heavy objects. And that's not what he abandoned his family for.
Daniel will be OK, I guess. He asked for his books to be sent. And our Daniel was quite generous. He managed to get copies of most of his library. That will keep robot Daniel busy for years.
I worry about robot Carter. Despite the laptop and the other doohickeys we sent for her, and despite the challenges I'm sure she'll face in keeping that place running, she might get bored. That is, if my worst fears do not materialize. One woman, three men, in close proximity, forever, is a recipe for disaster. I'm hoping that no one will go crazy and that she will be safe.
Robot Teal'c respects her too much to do anything, unless he really loses his mind. I hope the second version works better than the first one. And Daniel is still in love with Sha're and loves Sam as a sister. Robot Jack, however, will definitely want to get into her pants at some point. I know, because I know myself, and I do find Carter very, very attractive.
I wonder how she would feel about it. Would she be receptive? I mean… she's a woman. Women have needs, just as men do. And it's not like regulations would apply over there. Wow! This is enough to drive any man crazy.
I'm just glad that I'm not the one stuck over there.
Sam's Journal – Entry VII
I finished packing the stuff we'll be sending to our robot selves tomorrow. It is quite a sizeable shipment, but it is the least we can do.
Colonel O'Neill's giant TV, CD player, DVD player, Game Cube, Games, Simpsons DVD's, movie collection, chess set, music collection, and library took most of the space. It was generous of the Colonel to give all that up for his robot counterpart. When I said so, he said, "They are just things. Things can be replaced." He looked guilty, just like I feel. Although we all know it is not our fault, we can't help but wallow in guilt. We know that our counterparts are going to have a hell of a time adjusting.
The two Daniels spent a lot of time talking quietly together. I think they reached an understanding. Our Daniel promised he would never give up looking for Sha're. I know that much.
Robot Teal'c did not seem too disturbed. He is as expressive as our own. I just hope the second version will not go haywire, like the first one did.
The other Carter seemed to take things in stride. And I think I know why. She has my thoughts and feelings, after all. I know that I would be challenged with keeping the place running and making improvements. There are enough experiments and theories to keep me busy for years. But that's not really it. I know what it is that would keep my spirits up. Regulations will not apply there. I could explore my feelings for my Colonel without feeling guilty. That is, if he is interested. But given the lack of competition, I don't think getting him interested would be too difficult.
I wonder what will happen, and it drives me crazy that we won't be finding out. General Hammond believes it is better that we sever all communication with them. He does not see the benefit in keeping in touch, and he thinks it would be cruel to them to keep reminding them of a world they no longer belong to. A world that they never really belonged to, if you think about it. So we will be sending our shipment, and will be wishing them luck.
Who knows? Maybe they're luckier than us. They have a lifetime of love and companionship guaranteed. We could die in our next mission.
Daniel's Journal – Entry 29
The Goa'uld are coming. That is clear. And no one is listening! Kinsey is shutting us down anyway. Hammond told me he'd try to make them listen, but I doubt that he'll be successful. At least Jack listened. And he is worried. He even wants to do something to stop them.
I can't help but grieve for our alternate reality selves. This is even worse than leaving our robot selves confined in P3X-989. Earth, in the alternate reality, succumbed to the Goa'uld. Jack is dead, Sam is dead, Catherine is dead, and I also died, never having joined SG-1. Worse yet, Teal'c never turned against Apophis, and continued to serve a false god.
The funniest thing is that, today during lunch, I kept dwelling on our deaths over there, on the fact that Earth was overrun by aliens, and on what our course of action should be now that we are being shut down, while Jack continued to harp on the fact that he and Sam were engaged to be married. I wished that Sam and Teal'c had joined us, so that I didn't have to argue the point with him. It was almost as if he had never considered the possibility, which I find hard to believe.
Sam is a very attractive woman. That is not something any of us in the team can readily ignore. And I do remember his reaction when we were under the influence of the alien virus from the Land of Light. He almost beat me into a pulp! Yes, he was not himself, but I'm sure he probably thought about the situation after that. I know Sam did.
Back then, when I told her about Jack's behavior, she tried to act like it did not affect her. But she was flushed pink the whole time we were talking about it, and she then changed the subject, obviously disturbed by the whole thing. She was deeply embarrassed by her own behavior, although nobody held it against her.
Today, she avoided Jack like the plague. Not only did she not join us for lunch, but she also left work early, something I don't think she's ever done before. And Jack seemed bothered by her behavior. Maybe it's just me, but I'm starting to sense a little tension between the two of them.
My main concern, though, is Teal'c. He was even quieter than usual today after the meeting with Kinsey. I know he was affected by the fact that the other Teal'c had killed Jack, and that he had not renounced Apophis as his god. But he is most worried about returning home and leaving us, his team, behind. He did not join us for lunch either, and stayed in his room all afternoon, in a deep state of kelnoreem. That alone tells me he is deeply disturbed.
Sam's Journal – Entry VIII
We have been ordered to shut down the Stargate project thanks to one Senator Kinsey. We were unable to convince him of the threat the Goa'uld present to this planet. Colonel O'Neill really hates the guy's guts, and I can't say that I blame him. He is the worst kind of politician. The kind that believes his own bull, and the kind that derives too much pleasure from the power granted to him.
To top it all, the theory of multiple universes is no longer just a theory anymore! But I can't write about it! With the discovery of the quantum mirror, now we know for certain that there are multiple realities alternate to our own. It blows my mind just thinking of the possibilities! And it frustrates the heck out of me not being able to share our discovery!
But it serves no purpose to dwell on this. The mirror has been packed and is being shipped to Area 51, out of my hands. It will be buried in secrecy for years, just like the Stargate will be. General Hammond seems unnerved by the whole "alternate reality" experience, and I can't blame him.
Daniel is concerned about the fact that Apophis is on his way to Earth intent on invading. Colonel O'Neill is worried as well, and wants to do something about it. General Hammond is following orders and proceeding with the shutdown, although he assured us that he'd appeal to Kinsey again and even call the President himself before he completed the shutdown.
Teal'c was not pleased with his counterpart being responsible for Colonel O'Neill's death in the other reality. He spent most of today confined in his room, meditating. He also wants to return to his world, to continue his struggle against the Goa'uld without us, if the Stargate is shut down.
I have to admit I am a little shocked by my alternate self as well. Not only because she did not join the military, which I find hard to believe. She was also engaged to Colonel O'Neill! My dreams are not the only place now where Colonel O'Neill is more than my CO. In another reality, he is actually the man in my life. As disturbing as I find this to be, I had to play it cool at the infirmary today. When Daniel let that little tidbit drop, I have to say that my reaction was definitely cooler than Colonel O'Neill's. He kept throwing me these weird looks all day long, to the point that I had to leave work early. He made me feel so uncomfortable! It wasn't my fault that the other Sam was involved with the other Jack O'Neill! Besides, it takes two to tango, doesn't it?
Jack's Journal – Entry V
The snake is coming! And nobody seems to care! Especially those slimy politicians in Washington. By the time they get their heads out of their butts, we'll all be bowing to Apophis and our cities will be nothing but rubble. Hammond is asking me to be patient and give him a chance to deal with the issue, but I think we are running out of time. If what Daniel saw in the alternate reality is true, then Apophis is already on his way, and we are not ready to deal with him yet. We've got to do something! But I'm not sure what we can do yet. When I do, I won't let politics stop me.
I should talk to my team and discuss this problem. I'm sure Carter will come up with something. Carter… my fiancé! I couldn't believe it when Daniel told us! Why would a brilliant, beautiful, young woman like Carter be interested in a flawed individual such as me? Was the other Carter a little crazy or was the other O'Neill different from me? He was the SGC commander and Hammond's CO, so maybe he was smarter, and better.
My Carter tried to act like this revelation did not bother her, but I know better. She even left early today, which is a first! I wonder what she thought about it. Did it disgust her? Did it surprise her as much as it surprised me? I wonder if this is going to cause any problems between us. I hope not. I like her being part of my team. I need her in our team, especially now. So the answer is simple. I'll make damn sure this does not cause a problem between us, and that's the end of it!
Sam's Journal – Entry IX
I have never, in my whole military career, disobeyed an order, until now. Daniel, Teal'c and I are following a very determined Colonel O'Neill through the gate, against orders, and probably for the very last time.
Our CO was rather easily convinced by Daniel to disregard the military and try to save Earth. He is sure that Apophis is on his way. Teal'c jumped at the opportunity. Then they all looked at me, knowing that I would have the hardest time forgetting about rules and regulations.
It came as a revelation to me how easily it was to make the decision to join my team in its last mission. We will probably fail, and we will die trying to stop Apophis from reaching Earth. That is, if he is really on his way, as Daniel believes. If he is not, and we are able to return to Earth through the Stargate, Colonel O'Neill and I will face a court martial and incarceration. It will be the end of our careers. But I still would follow him anywhere. I trust him, and I am more afraid of disappointing him than I am of any punishment the Air Force may throw at me.
Right now, I almost wish I were Robot Sam, stuck in P3X-989!
TE
Story Notes: Relevant Episodes: All Episodes of Season One
Author's Note: I felt the need to write a series that would deal with the personalities and emotions of SG-1 and how they evolved over time. The four characters we have learned to love got to know and love each other through their experiences and time together. I wanted to explore what went on in their minds as this took place.
Author's Note: I felt the need to write a series that would deal with the personalities and emotions of SG-1 and how they evolved over time. The four characters we have learned to love got to know and love each other through their experiences and time together. I wanted to explore what went on in their minds as this took place.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]