samandjack.net

Story Notes: Spoilers: All Episodes of Season Four

Author's Note: This is the fifth piece of my series "Journals". It
follows "Journals – Interlude 3-4".


Daniel's Journal – Entry 61 (Dates don't matter)

Janet finally let me out of the infirmary yesterday. I was bored out my mind, despite the books she kept bringing me from my office. She finally gave up and told me to go away but to take it easy and stay on base. I think the ever-increasing clutter of books and manuscripts in her infirmary was what finally did it.

She had jerked me back to the infirmary when my wound had started to bleed again, and I had to listen to her litany of complaints about hardheaded, contrary, difficult, and obtuse — and those are only the words I remember — individuals that think they are galactic super-heroes and make her work harder than it needs to be. She was upset with me at the time, but I do think she was thinking of the rest of the team — especially Jack — when she was rambling on while she fixed me up again. I know she's as worried about them as I am, although she denies it. She just smiles and says that they'll be back as soon as they're able, but I do think her optimism is for my benefit.

I promised her that I'd stick around and then swiftly escaped her clutches before she changed her mind. I wasn't about to leave the SGC anyway. We've been waiting for the Beta Stargate to be installed and operational for days now. It has been five days since the first gate disappeared, and we still don't know for sure whether Sam, Jack and Teal'c made it out of Thor's ship on time. But Siler's team has encountered problem after problem with the installation, and the poor man is at his wits' end.

The last time I checked up on him he was cursing - I had never heard him curse before - under the Stargate, working on one of the connections. I distinctly heard, "I don't know how she does it! This $%#&@! computer interface is not meant for human understanding or I'd have it working already!" I don't think he appreciated hearing me laugh, either. But his good nature quickly took over, and he asked me, "You wouldn't happen to have a spare Major Carter hidden somewhere, would you? We could use one right now!"

I'm confident that he'll work things out. If Sam trusts his expertise, the man has to be good at what he does. And she relies on Siler frequently, so I know it's just a matter of time. I just wish I knew for sure that my team was all right.


Daniel's Journal – Entry 62

It's been seven days, and Hammond finally asked the Pentagon to give clearance to some computer expert so that he can try to figure out what the problem with the interface is. Just briefing the guy on the technology and bringing him over here is going to take a day or two. Everything else is working fine, but there's some kind of glitch in the system that Siler's expertise can't deal with. It seems no one else but Sam could fix it, and she's not here to do it.

I wonder how the three of them are getting along, wherever they went. I'm not really worried about Teal'c. He's a rock. But Jack and Sam's relationship has been walking the tightrope for a while, and a week of forced co-habitation on an alien planet is not what I would have prescribed for them at this time. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe what they need is to finally be forced to confront each other and discuss their feelings openly. God knows it's been incredibly tense for all of us poor bystanders.


Jack's Journal – Entry 36

We're finally home. We were stuck on our little paradise planet for nine days, but I must say that it was worth it. I had to bitch and complain about how long it took the SGC to set up the Beta Gate, as it would be expected of me. But the truth is that I could have stayed longer… frolicking in the sun with my Major. Under Teal'c's watchful eye, nothing would have happened anyway.

I'm glad that we had a chance to clear the air, Carter and I. It had been tense lately, but now we're all right. "The Kiss" certainly worked wonders for me. And I do think she enjoyed it, too. We now have acknowledged our mutual attraction, have agreed that we have to keep our hands off each other and stick to the regs, and we have decided to just go with the flow and have some fun with it, instead of letting it affect our working relationship in a negative way.

Even Teal'c seemed more relaxed after our little encounter and subsequent chat, and we know that we can count on his discretion. What happened between Carter and me stays between the three of us.

I'm also very happy to have clean clothes on. But I'll be even happier when I finally get to go fishing. So I'll go say goodbye to the guys and again invite Carter… so that she can turn me down… and then I'm off to The Land of the Loon.


Sam's Journal - Entry 49

We just came back from an interesting and very unplanned little vacation. We spent nine days stranded on P4X-234 after destroying the Beliskner, and an Asgard ship picked up Thor the same day we arrived on the planet. So it was Teal'c, the Colonel and I, camping out and eating little rabbits every day, waiting for the SGC to set up the Beta Gate so we could return.

It was nice to see a happy Daniel again, as well as a relieved Janet and General Hammond. I'll be going to Janet's on Saturday and we will have dinner together. Cassie has been waiting to play chess with me since I missed the last "appointment." Daniel seems all better now, back to his perky self and asking all kinds of nosy questions about what we did on P4X-234 during all that time. The Colonel is intentionally being very vague, just to get on his nerves, so I know that he'll try to corner me later. Especially when he knows that Teal'c will not be saying much. I won't either.

Siler was very apologetic, claiming that it wasn't his team's fault, but his own lack of familiarity with my computer interface, which had prevented them from being ready sooner. He begged me to give him further training on it, and I assured him that we would do that during the next few days when we will be taking the time off we had planned to take before Thor showed up. I know the Colonel still plans to go fishing… and I know he'll ask me again to go. But I have decided I can't risk that kind of solitude with him. I'm just not strong enough.

We kissed. More than kissed, I should say. It was a mind-blowing, earth-shattering, and very, very pleasurable sensual encounter. After all these years of wondering what it would feel like, now I know. And it was way better than I could have imagined. I'm afraid my fantasies will be even more vivid now that I have taste to add to the memories, but that's all I will be having… fantasies.

I still don't know how it happened. I guess he caught me in a weak moment, when I had been thinking about him, wanting him. And he looked so intense and sexy standing there, watching me with those dark, deep eyes, that at that moment I stopped thinking, and all I cared about was feeling his hands on me. I know I invited him to touch me, even if I didn't say a word. I know my eyes told him everything he needed to know, because he just approached me and touched my face. "Sam," was all he said, to which I responded by calling him by his name. No "sirs"… oh, no! He was only Jack to me at that moment, and then he took me in his arms, never taking his eyes off me. He kissed me like no one has ever kissed me before, with such hunger and passion that I completely lost every restraint and inhibition I had left. I kissed him back just as hungrily, and I felt like I was crawling inside his body, feeling every inch of him against me, and about ready to ignite and vaporize on the spot. Oh, God… it felt so good! I was ready to make love to him right there and then… the hell with consequences!

Teal'c's innocent interruption prevented us from doing what we would have regretted doing later. Thank God for that! And the next day, the Colonel and I talked about what had transpired and agreed to deal with it like adults. Nothing serious really happened, but we have acknowledged that we are attracted to each other. We will have some fun with it, but keep it at that. We have established that remaining on the same team is our priority… for now.

What my Colonel does not know is that my feelings run a lot deeper than simple sexual attraction. I love him. I wish I could be with him always. But I have to wait. Someday he will stop being my CO, and I'll be able to pursue my dream. For now, fighting the Goa'uld and being a good soldier must take precedence.

Excerpts of Daniel's Journal – Entry 63

We almost lost Jack and Teal'c, again! Sam and Thor saved them when they transported them off the submarine, right before it exploded, killing the Replicators in it.

We are all immensely relieved on one hand, and deeply worried on the other. We were able to eliminate the threat of the Replicators this time, but now we know that they are out there, and that the Goa'uld are not the only ones we need to worry about.

The Asgard are very grateful to us right now. Not only did we save Thor's life — I should say, they, not I; I was laid out with appendicitis — but Sam also figured out a way to save their planet from invasion. GO SAM! I'm so proud of her!

Jack was put out when he found out that Sam blew up the brand new Asgard ship named after him, but I could see how proud he was of her as well. I must say that I have detected a change in their relationship. Sam is definitely more relaxed around him, laughing at his jokes rather openly now, and bantering with him over little things, just for fun. Jack also seems to be enjoying their new relationship and keeps inviting her to go fishing with a twinkle in his eye. But they both refuse to acknowledge that anything has changed.

Jack has been evasive, Teal'c is like a tomb, and Sam is playing dimwit, something she doesn't do very well. No matter how much I ask, no one is telling me what happened on P4X-234, and not knowing is killing me. What's worse is that I think they're doing it to me on purpose!


Sam's Journal - Entry 50

We dodged two major bullets! We killed the Replicators that had made it to Earth in the Beliskner, and we were able to avoid the imminent invasion to Thor's planet… even if we had to destroy The O'Neill to do it. I was sorry about that. I thought it was a cool thing to have one of the Asgard ships named after our Colonel. But I'm sure they'll build another one.

It was great! I got to see Thor's planet, and it was awesome! It looked so beautiful, so advanced technologically, and so clean! No pollution and no dirt anywhere. Everything seemed to have its place and to work exactly as it should. I wish I had had more time to tour the place, but we had a problem to deal with and we spent most of the time inside one room, breaking our heads trying to figure out the solution. At the end, we did, and now I feel like I have another friend. Thor is much more personable than I had suspected.

I am so relieved that I asked him to take me back to wherever my team was, and not back to the SGC when we returned! If we hadn't, both the Colonel and Teal'c would have been killed when the submarine exploded. As it was, we barely got them out in time, and it makes me feel ill just to think about it! As much as I would have missed Teal'c, it is the thought of Jack dying that upsets me the most. I don't think I could have dealt with it!

I have acknowledged my feelings for my CO. He now knows I am attracted to him, and I know he wants me, too. Our relationship has actually improved. There is a new closeness and comfort that was lacking before. But there is also something else. There is fear. I fear losing him now, more than ever. I count on him being there for me… for our future. I want that future with him. I want it so badly that I can taste it, and the thought of him dying makes me sick.

I just hope that this will not affect my decisions on the field. This really worries me now. And I can't help but wonder if leaving things as they were before P4X-234 wouldn't have been better after all.


Jack's Journal – Entry 37

Those pesky bugs are gone, for the time being. It was a close call. Teal'c and I almost bought it. If not for Thor and Carter's impeccable timing, we would both be fish food right now.

As much as I hate the Goa'uld, now I realize that there may be worse adversaries out there. After all, the Asgard are having trouble winning their war. And if they are not succeeding, what hope do we have?

But we can't worry about them right now. They're still far away, in another galaxy, and we have our own pest to deal with right here at home. Until the Goa'uld are history, we have to concentrate on them.

Something eye-opening just occurred to me! While I was on the floor of the submarine, about to blow up, my thoughts flew to none other than Carter. And the one feeling I do remember, as I thought I was taking my final breath, was regret. I regretted not being with her, and not telling her how I really feel about her.

Because let's face it. She doesn't really know. She thinks I just lust after her, like the rest of the men at the SGC. She thinks that I'd be happy with just a physical relationship with her. And that is the farthest thing from the truth. I want her in my life… in more ways than one. I want her in my bed at night, yes. But I also want to find her there in the morning. I want her there every single morning.


Daniel's Journal – Entry 64

After writing my report on our mission to Euronda, I am left with a bitter taste in my mouth. We were so close to obtaining what we needed to defend Earth! But we ended up with nothing… because ethics got in the way. It makes me think of Jack's remark when we thought he had lost his mind and had stolen technology from the Tollans. He said something to the effect that, while the Goa'uld got to kill us all because of our lack of means to defend ourselves, we would be oh, so proud of our ethics and our methods. And I can't help but wonder whether he had a point, even if it was all an act and he didn't really mean what he said.

I guess I feel guilty because I was the one to make them dig into the Eurondan's history and reasons for their war. I was the one, as usual, to lose sight of our main objective. Even if Jack apologized to me later for slapping me down and said that he had been wrong, I can't help but think that maybe he was right. Maybe we should be turning a blind eye to issues such as the Eurondans' immorality, as much as that would bother me. Maybe Earth's survival depends on a more pragmatic and less idealistic attitude.

Sometimes I wish I were more like Jack. Sometimes I wish I could see things in black and white, like he frequently does. This needs to be done… so let's do it. Buts… ifs… whys? It doesn't matter! Let's just do it! Things would be simpler that way. And by now, we probably would have achieved a lot more in obtaining what Earth needs to survive.


Jack's Journal – Entry 38

Carter just left, and she's still pissed at me. She's upset because I couldn't explain to her what I did… why I killed Alar. How can I? No matter what I say, it will be inexcusable to her.

She showed up at my doorstep earlier with questions in her eyes, and I just nodded and let her in. I offered her a beer, and she dutifully sat in my living room and held it in her hands, trying to find the words to question my motives without questioning my authority. I could see how difficult this was for her. I know she didn't want me to think that our new closeness was the motive for her presence in my home. I knew better. She needed to know because she's Carter, and she has to understand everything. Even when understanding is not possible.

She started by telling me that she knew her place, and that I didn't have to explain anything to her if I didn't want to. Then she asked why I had ordered the iris closed behind me, knowing that Alar was behind me. I told her the truth. I told her that I had warned Alar not to follow, and that I had closed the iris because I didn't want any possible blasts from the explosions to follow us through the wormhole. What I didn't tell her was that I knew that Alar would follow anyway, and that I had ordered the iris closed, at least in part, to let him meet his fate.

I didn't say it. But she knew, and she called me on that. "You knew he'd follow." She stated this with dead certainty, and I didn't deny it. But I also refused to say anything else on the subject, so I just asked her if she didn't like her beer. She had not touched it. She looked at it sadly, realizing that I wasn't going to answer her. And true to her word, she said good night and left. She didn't ask me anything else.

I hate disappointing her. I hate knowing that I am a lesser man than she had imagined. I guess I liked that man she thought I was. But it is better that she knows how flawed I really am. It's better that she has no illusions about me. I will kill a man without batting an eye if I think he deserves it or if it needs to be done. I will make no excuses for myself, not even to her. And I will accept the consequences for my actions, even if one of those consequences is to lose her respect and admiration.

Alar deserved to die. He deserved to die because of what he stood for, and because I hated him for denying us, through his prejudices, the opportunity to obtain what we so badly need. Yes, I killed him. I took out on him my frustration. Earth is still vulnerable to attack. But there was just no way we could trade with people bent on genocide. Forming an alliance with such people would have made us no better than the Goa'uld.


Sam's Journal - Entry 51

Jack wouldn't answer me. Wow! I just realized that I've been referring to him as Jack now. It slipped. I normally still think of him as Colonel O'Neill, especially when we are on the job. But when I think of him here, at home, and especially in my bed, he is Jack to me.

I guess he couldn't answer me. I don't think he was trying to intentionally ignore my concerns. I could see the conflict in his eyes. And I could see that he was upset with me for questioning him. I knew this would be the case. He is my CO and I have no business challenging his orders or his actions.

I debated with myself long and hard before I decided to go to his house. And when I finally did, I was prepared for his anger. I was prepared to hear him yell at me and tell me to mind my own business and to tell me that I was out of line. But he wasn't angry, and he didn't yell at me. He, in fact, actually did answer my question. And it made perfect sense. But I knew there was more to it, and I said it. He didn't deny it; so I guess I was right. And still, he did not defend his actions.

I admire him for that. I admire the fact that he makes no excuses for himself and his actions. He doesn't bow to anyone's expectations of him. He follows his gut, does as he pleases, and lets others think what they may. As long as he's technically following orders, he is comfortable with his actions. I wish I were more like him. I wish I wasn't second-guessing myself all the time. I am envious of his self-confidence and strength.

Now I wish I had stayed home and not confronted him. It wasn't my place, and I have no more answers than I did before. I wouldn't blame him if he reprimanded me, once he thinks about my actions and realizes how out of line I was. If I had a problem with his decision, that is exactly how it should have remained… my problem, not his. I will try to remember this in the future. No matter how I privately feel about Jack, he is my Colonel first.

Excerpts of Daniel's Journal – Entry 65

These armbands are great! I've accomplished more work in the last few hours than I have during the past few weeks. Janet is worried about us, but I feel fine! There is nothing wrong with this technology. We should be out there, finding more of these, instead of sitting here doing routine work. Aside from being hungry all the time, my body feels healthier and stronger than ever. I could even take on Teal'c!

Okay! Now… that was crazy! We better obey orders and stay put!


Jack's Journal – Entry 39

Anise was right. Boy, that chick is hot! When I first saw the female Tok'ra coming out of the wormhole, my body's reaction conflicted with my feelings about her people in general. But it only took her letting her sneaky side show for my body to forget that she looks like a stylish Xena, Warrior Princess. Anyway, she was right.

The armbands work just as she had predicted. I feel like I could do anything! And I'm more than a little frustrated that Hammond does not realize we are wasting a golden opportunity here. We could be out there, kicking Goa'uld butt and creating havoc in their frickin' territories. But NOOOO! Here we are, sitting on our hands and cooling our heels while Doc studies us like lab rats.

And I'm starving! For more than food, I may add. I wouldn't mind flippin' Carter on her back and doing her right now, right on that table. I can almost taste her, all sweet and soft under me… her long legs tight around my waist. Good thing that Daniel is here with us, because I don't think I could otherwise keep my hands off her, and Carter would not take it lying down… Funny! Lying down! I'm cracking myself up here! Seriously… I think she'd kick my butt from here to Alaska… but not before I made her scream.


Sam's Journal - Entry 52

I've never felt more annoyed with Janet than I do right now! She's keeping us here, confined, when we could be doing something more productive. Thank goodness for my laptop, or I'd be going crazy!

I guess I'm also annoyed with our newest Tok'ra ally, Freya. Anise is all business, but Freya's eyes dance when she looks at Jack. And I could swear that Jack had a similar reaction to her, up to the point when Anise started talking. I feel frumpy next to her, dressed in my fatigues and with hardly any makeup on, while she seems to delight in showing as much skin as possible. It's just not fair!

On a brighter note, I finally finished the book on wormhole physics I've been working on for months, and it took me only hours to do it! My fellow scientists at the SGC are thrilled with it. I could do so many more projects if they'd just let me out of here and stop watching me! Us! They're watching us… almost as if they were afraid of us!

It doesn't matter how many times we tell Janet that we're feeling great! She's still all mother hen over us, worrying about our bodies. I've never felt better! I am ravenous, though! I could really eat an elephant right now… with a side order of Jack O'Neill! Just the smell of him in these close quarters is driving me insane with need. I guess it's also a side effect of the armband, but one that I really don't mind so much.

He's sitting not too far away from me, also working on his laptop. I wonder what he'd do if I came over and nibbled on his ear. I don't know what he could be working on so intensely. He hates computers, and only uses them for mission reports. I know, for a fact, that he is up to date on those. I wonder what he's writing about… and what the heck could he be smiling so much about? I should get closer and try to peek, but I really don't trust myself not to touch him. I want to run my hands all over those strong muscles of his, and it would be highly inappropriate, especially with poor Daniel in the room.

God! I just read what I wrote right now, and I realize that maybe Janet is right. I don't quite sound like myself. But… God! Jack looks good enough to eat! And I'm sooo hungry!


Jack's Journal – Entry 40

Hammond is pissed at us… and it's my fault! But heck! It was just a little bar fight, and we were hungry for steaks! What's the big deal?

Besides… kicking those guys' butts helped release some of the tension that was driving me bonkers. Now I can actually stand next to Carter and not want to screw her brains out. Well… I still want to, but now my impulses are more manageable. How long can we stay cooped inside the base anyway?


Sam's Journal - Entry 53

We made it back alive, but not thanks to Anise's armbands. Those failed us at the worst possible moment and left me trapped in Apophis' ship, with the explosion only minutes away. And he wouldn't leave me!

Jack knew the mountain was about to blow, and he just kept trying to bring down the force field that had me trapped there. I begged him to go and save himself! I couldn't stand the thought of him dying needlessly, just because he was trying to save me. But he wouldn't go. I screamed at him… I yelled at him to go. "NO!" he yelled at me, and the look he gave me told me why he wouldn't… why he couldn't leave me.

Jack loves me, just as I love him. Now I know for sure. He didn't say so. He didn't say a word to me. But the way he looked at me through the barrier, standing there with fear in his eyes… fear for me… told me that he loves me. And despite my despair and that horrible feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you know you're about to die, I was elated. Despite the fact that I wanted him to run, I was glad he'd be there with me when everything ended for us. I was happy that when we died, we'd be dying together. And I guess I would have done exactly the same thing for him. I wouldn't have been able to leave him either.

Now that we're back, we've been avoiding each other. I don't know what to say to him. Do I thank him for not leaving me alone? Do I acknowledge the fact that now I know how he feels about me? Or do I just ignore what happened? I imagine he's having the same problems with how to proceed from here. What do we do now?

It's so much harder to fight my feelings for him now, knowing that he loves me back. Thinking that his feelings for me were mostly physical had made it easier for me to deny myself. It was easier to say no to my desires when I thought my feelings of love were not reciprocated. But now I know that that's not true. And knowing that he loves me makes me love him even more.


Jack's Journal – Entry 41

Anise is gone, and so are the armbands she brought for us to try. They blew up in Apophis' ship, along with the naquadah we had to leave behind. We barely escaped with our lives.

Anise… or Freya, I'm not sure which… seems to be attracted to me. I really, really hope we don't see that particular Tok'ra again. She brought nothing but trouble. Well, I guess I should be fair and say that we did blow up Apophis' latest toy, but something tells me that this was one of her objectives anyway.

Those sneaky snakes! A snake is a snake by any name, and we can't trust them… except for Jacob, of course. Carter's dad is okay. And I do like Selmak, even if she's a snake.

Another thing… the cat is out of the bag. If Carter doesn't know how I really feel about her by now, then she's not as smart as we give her credit for. No. Of course she knows! Her eyes told me so. She kept trying to make me leave her behind while I was frantic with terror for her, trying to bring down the force field that had her stuck there. But there was no way in hell I was going to leave her behind and let her die alone. The truth is, I couldn't leave because I couldn't face the possibility of continuing on living without her.

I have finally realized exactly how much she means to me. I'd been lusting after her for so long, that I had ignored the deeper feelings growing inside me. While I stared at her across the barrier, I imagined my life without her… without seeing her every day, watching her work in her lab while we chatted, without that smile of hers to light my days… and I couldn't bear it. I knew I dreaded continuing on without Sam Carter in my life.

I don't know how to deal with her now that we're back, and we're supposed to continue on as if nothing has happened. She seems to be avoiding me, and I know it is because she's disturbed by what she now knows. I don't like her knowing either. It makes things too complicated for her, and it makes me wonder what she'll do about it.

I guess the regulations can't stop you from thinking with your heart, after all. Even if we have not acted on our feelings, we are still affected by them. And the funny thing is that Daniel and Teal'c did exactly the same thing for Sam and me. They also refused to leave the mountain, even knowing that they would just blow up with us and that they couldn't save us.

Maybe the feelings we share for each other is what makes this team special, after all. It's not just the combined brainpower, brawn and strategic expertise that make us effective in the field. It's also the fact that we derive strength from each other, and we're willing to die for each other. Dying is easy, after all. Living is what's hard.


Excerpts of Daniel's Journal – Entry 66

Today, when Teal'c and I decided to stay in the mountain, knowing that we were going to die with Jack and Sam in the explosion, I had an epiphany. I realized that I'm not afraid of dying anymore. I can live or die… take your pick. It's the same to me. Death has lost its mysterious and dreadful menace.

It made me wonder why I felt this way. And I couldn't help but think of my darling Sha're. I still miss her, and I believe that dying might finally bring me to her. That is quite an appealing thought. I also know that there is something more… somewhere beyond. We are not just made of flesh and bone. That wonderful being, Oma Desala, taught me that much. And I guess I'm almost eager in my curiosity. I almost want to go ahead and shed my mortality to explore what lies beyond.

I'm not suicidal. It's not that. I'm not in despair. I'm not depressed. I'm not even lonely. I have Sam, Jack, Teal'c, Janet and Cassie in my life. I have more of a family now than I've had for most of my life. And I still have a reason for living. I have work to do. I have a purpose, and I am needed at the SGC.

But death appeals to me now. Death is just another step to take, another chamber to discover, another problem to solve, and another language to learn.


Sam's Journal - Entry 54

Freya is back, now that we need help with the Shau'nac situation. I know I'm supposed to be above such things, especially when I have no claim on Jack, but I hate the way she looks at him. She might as well carry a banner reading "I'm available, Jack. Take me!" And the worst part is that I think Jack likes her, too. I know he doesn't care for Anise, the symbiote, but he doesn't mind Freya's attentions at all. Men! And he's supposed to be in love with me!

Jack and I had barely started acting normally with each other after the fiasco with the armbands, and now she's here again, to remind us of what happened. It was so hard to face him again and not be able to openly discuss what he'd done for me. We couldn't acknowledge it, or we would have had to do something about it. And the only thing to do about it would have been for me to leave SG-1. I don't want to do that, and I know he doesn't want it either. Even if our feelings for each other are deeper and stronger than we had admitted to on P4X-234.

Not only am I upset about Freya being here. I'm also appalled at Teal'c's behavior. As far as I know, he's still a married man. But looking at him and Shau'nac, nobody can miss the fact that they have been intimate, and that they still have feelings for each other. They might as well carry a banner, too! I wonder what Drey'auc would have to say if she found out.

Daniel, the one man I thought was different, is acting like there's absolutely nothing wrong with Teal'c sleeping with a woman other than his wife. Maybe he knows something about Teal'c's relationship with his wife that I don't. I better ask him. As much as I'd like to be able to ignore his behavior, Teal'c's obvious infatuation with this Jaffa woman is making me uncomfortable. And I don't even want to get started on what Freya makes me feel! Claws come to mind!


Jack's Journal – Entry 42

Trouble is back… in the form of a particularly sexy Tok'ra. And I could swear she keeps looking at my butt! I would normally not mind such attention from a woman, but I have to admit that, even though Freya is not hard to look at, the snake inside gives me the creeps. I can't help it. I don't like snakes in general.

We're going to take Shau'nac to Vorash, where the Tok'ra base is. She's really close to losing her own snake, and the Tok'ra can help her find a new symbiote. If she doesn't get one, she'll be a goner, which will make my Jaffa friend very unhappy.

At first, I was shocked by Teal'c's obvious intimacy with the stunning Shau'nac. I was not aware that his relationship with his wife had been terminated. Daniel clarified this for me when I commented that Teal'c was living dangerously. I know that Jaffa women tend to use blades to settle altercations, and I thought that Teal'c was risking the integrity of his genitals.

I asked Daniel why we had not found out about Teal'c's split with his wife, and he said that our friend was not happy about it, so he had not wanted to discuss it. Daniel had found out because he had been visiting The Land of Light with Teal'c when Drey'auc had proposed that they continue on as "friends with benefits", but that they did not consider themselves a couple any longer. I guess she was never quite happy with Teal'c's priorities, and Teal'c hadn't been able to forgive and forget her second marriage either. It seems these two topics had brought on a lot of conflict between the two. Daniel also reminded me that, officially, they had been divorced and that they had never remarried.

By a comment that Carter made under her breath about men and where our thinking took place, I could tell that she didn't know about Teal'c and Drey'auc either, so I enlightened her. She actually seemed relieved, so I guess this was really bothering her. And here I thought she had been upset about Freya's clear interest in my butt!


Daniel's Journal – Entry 67

Teal'c has been in his room for almost a whole day now. His grief over Shau'nac's death and his anger and frustration over Tanith's betrayal must be eating him alive. This is yet another sacrifice my friend must make for our cause. I know he wants to avenge his lover's death, but he agreed to wait and allow the Tok'ra to use Tanith to pass on disinformation to the Goa'uld.

I doubt that kelnorim will help Teal'c this time. This is too big. It will be up to us, his friends, to help him deal with his feelings. The problem is, I have no idea how. And Sam seems to be at a loss, too. Only Jack seems calm and circumspect about it. He keeps telling us to just let Teal'c be, and that the big guy will be all right.

"Revenge is a dish best served cold," he said at one point, and I think I understand what he's thinking. Dreams of revenge will sustain Teal'c until the time comes. I wonder if it will be enough, but during the past few years with my team, I have learned that Teal'c and Jack are similar in many ways. They understand each other. So if Jack says that Teal'c is going to be okay, I choose to believe him.

Jack's Journal – Entry 43

Carter has gone home. Janet assured me that, under the circumstances, my Major is doing okay, and that she'd be spending the night with her to make sure. Doc has already arranged for Cassie to spend the night with a friend. And although I'm glad that Carter will be having much needed company tonight, I wish it could be mine. I know that it's better that I stay away from her, especially given today's confessions, but I still wish I could be with her.

Never in a million years did I imagine having to make the choices I made today. And I'm not really referring to choosing to have them go ahead with the procedure. Even though it meant I could die, that was not really that hard of a choice. Knowing that it could possibly save Carter's life made it an easy one to make. What I found most difficult today was having to tell Carter… in front of others and without being able to touch her and show her… how I really feel about her. That was definitely not the way I wanted to tell her, even if she already knew.

I could see her eyes through the glass partition and I could tell that my confession disturbed her. I hope it was because she was as uncomfortable as I was… having to bare our souls to others in order to save our lives… and not because she didn't want to hear the words. Once said, they can't be taken back. And I most definitely did not want to keep them in the frickin' room. But that is what she wants, so that is the way it has to be.

She was a mess the last time I saw her. She had to kill Martouf, her friend, and I guess Jolinar's memories and feelings for the guy are making it twice as hard for her to deal with what she had to do. She told me that she knew she'd had no choice, but that she still felt like a part of her had died when she killed him. We didn't have enough time to really talk, but I know that what we both had to go through with the za'tarc thing is also of concern to her. Even though we agreed to keep what transpired "in the room", there may be repercussions.

Now Janet knows about us, as does Freya. Teal'c already knew and is not a problem. But the two women were there today to hear us spill our guts about our very inappropriate feelings for each other. And it makes me wonder what Doc will do about it. She's supposed to report this to Hammond, but I know she doesn't want to. She feels she'd be betraying her best friend, but I personally don't care what she does.

If Janet talks to Hammond, it will give me the opportunity to openly discuss this problem with him and maybe come up with a solution that will allow Carter and me to explore our feelings further. I almost wish that the little doctor did report what she now knows, but I know that Carter would be mortified, if not horrified. For her sake, I hope Janet doesn't tell the General.

I'm actually more worried about Freya sharing this information with others. Now she probably understands why I turned her down. Although I'd known she was attracted to me, I had not expected her to throw herself at me like that. To say that I was caught by surprise is an understatement. Under normal circumstances, I would have taken advantage of what was being offered, but this time I was not even tempted. Not only am I not crazy about snakes, but also the thought of being with a woman that is not Carter simply doesn't appeal to me.

I'm gonna have to talk to Freya. She needs to understand how much damage she could cause if she shares what she knows. Carter's career could be damaged; I could lose her in more ways than one; and if Freya tells Jacob, I know he'd be pissed at me. He may even think that I have compromised his daughter. And in that case, I hope he'd give me enough time to clarify things before he shot me.


Sam's Journal - Entry 55

It is now 0400, but I still can't sleep. I've run out of tears, and I don't know what else to do, except try to purge my pain by writing in my laptop. It has become therapeutic, and I find myself looking forward to writing in my journal when I am under stress.

I killed Martouf. I know he wanted me to do it. But it was still the hardest thing… having to pull that trigger and feel him die in my arms. Even though Freya assured me that Lantash will survive, I still feel like we lost them both. I could feel Jolinar screaming inside me, and I could feel her pain. I can still hear Rosha weeping for him, and I wish I could block the silent sound of her voice by just closing my eyes, but I can't. So I have to let her grieve… let myself grieve, and hope that the pain will eventually diminish.

Janet finally left me alone in my bedroom and went to sleep, after hours of talking and consoling. I feel sorry for her. She had a decision to make, and it wasn't an easy one. But she seems to have made up her mind. She told me she had known about Jack and me. She told me she had long suspected, and that what had transpired at the SGC had only confirmed what she had already known in her heart. She knows that Jack and I have not crossed the line and that that is good enough for her.

She told me that she doesn't want to report what she witnessed to General Hammond. She realizes she is supposed to, but she believes that her first loyalty is to me, the friend she loves, and Cassie's other mother. Janet believes that Jack and I can handle our feelings. She is convinced that part of what makes us so effective as a team is precisely the love we feel for one another. And she includes Daniel and Teal'c in the mix. She doesn't want to mess with that, and she doesn't want to be the one responsible for destroying the team. She is only afraid that Freya will say something and that the General will find out anyway.

It was so difficult to stand there and hear my CO admit to his feelings for me. He was so far, and yet so close! Through the glass of the window I could see his dark eyes boring into me as he spoke, and I could tell that he wished we had been alone when he finally uttered those words of forbidden love. I wished I could hold him, but circumstances demanded that I remain there, standing straight and seemingly unaffected by what he was saying, when in truth my heart was breaking.

When it was my turn, we knew what would come. At least I was prepared, and I did not hesitate to admit that I had been desperate for him to leave me behind… so that he wouldn't die. I admitted that I had deeper feelings for him than I was supposed to, just as he had for me. Those words seemed to be enough to clear me, so I said no more. But there would be so much more I'd say to him… if I were allowed. But I'm not, so that's that. I wish things were simpler. I wish I didn't love Jack O'Neill. But I do. And the more I wish I didn't, it seems the stronger my feelings for him get.

Knowing that he would be feeling exposed and uncomfortable, and that we needed to do some damage control, I assured him that we could keep what had transpired in the room, that no one else needed to know. When I said that, part of me wanted him to say no. Part of him wanted him to take me in his arms and tell me that he didn't want to keep it in the room, that he wanted me in his life the way we both craved, and that he didn't want to wait until the damned war was over. But he didn't. I saw pain and disappointment flash through his eyes, but just as quickly they became cool and indifferent. "Are we all right with that?" he asked. "NO!" I wanted to scream, but of course I didn't.

It serves us right. How dare we fall in love with each other? How dare we let our feelings get away from us like that? The thoughts that cross my mind when I watch him as he works, or I listen to him joke and goof around, or when he rants and raves in a temper tantrum, are not allowed. Those thoughts are inappropriate and forbidden. And still… I can't help it. I love him, and I want him, and I wish I could have him. And now I'm paying dearly for daring to feel the way I do.


Daniel's Journal – Entry 68

This was an awful week. Not only did we lose Major Graham and Lt. Gomez, but also Per'sus was wounded and three other Tok'ra were killed. Needless to say, something had to be done about this new za'tarc threat that - we just found out - the Tok'ra knew about already without sharing the information with us. Jack was not happy about this, and he went off on one of his ranting sessions about our allies. At least this time he did it in private, with only Sam, Teal'c and me in the room.

Things got worse. Freya/Anise came back, and I could feel the tension at the SGC go up a few levels with her presence. Some drool over her. Others openly dislike her. Regardless of which feelings she provoked, we had to admit that her procedure was our only hope of combating this brainwashing problem. Then we lost Lt. Astor to it, and we found out that Jack and Sam were also victims.

No one knew what to do about it. We didn't want to lose either of them to Astor's fate. But Jack made the decision to try it, hoping that it would help Sam. Very much like Jack to do something like that… to sacrifice his life for a team member. Especially when that team member is Sam Carter.

I had been busy with the presidential summit, so I was not around to see what happened. All I know is that something transpired in that room between Jack and Sam. Janet is all upset about it, and she told me she'd discuss it with me later. Sam was beside herself with grief after killing Martouf. And Jack is like a block of granite, silent and unmoving, but I can tell that he is also upset.

I finally went to Teal'c, but he just told me that enough had been discovered during the session to reveal that Jack and Sam were, in fact, not za'tarcs, and that they had not thought about Martouf possibly being one until it was too late. When I pressed him for details, he just said, "These are matters better left unspoken, Daniel Jackson." He then turned his back and left me standing there, with my mouth hanging open.

I guess I'll have to be patient and wait to talk to Janet. Maybe she'll be more forthcoming with information.


Daniel's Journal – Entry 69

I finally got to talk to Janet today, and what she had to share was big. As we both had suspected, Jack and Sam are in love with each other, and now they have declared their feelings in public, which I have to believe must be mortifying for both of them. Janet told me that Sam was more upset about killing Martouf, but that she also had asked our doctor friend what she was planning to do with this newly discovered information. It could mean the end of SG-1 if the wrong people find out, and nobody wants that.

I, of course, told her that she shouldn't say anything to anyone, no matter what the military may expect of her, and instead of arguing with me over rules and regulations, she actually agreed with me. She says that her loyalty to Sam is more important to her than anything the military demands, and that she did not want to do anything to destroy the team. She believes, as I do, that Jack and Sam have not slept with each other, and that they never will as long as they have a CO/subordinate relationship standing in their way. She also said that the love that the four of us feel for each other is part of what makes our team special.

I had to agree with her on that. I told her that each of us would be willing to die for the other and that we would never leave each other behind. We would protect and help each other in all aspects of our lives yet always keeping our priorities straight. The safety of the planet is our number one objective, and none of us would lose sight of that… ever.

Jack's Journal – Entry 44

Things are finally back to normal, and I feel like I could sleep for a week. Malikai went back home to grieve… and to try to forget. Good luck to him. I know he won't. We can never forget those that we loved and lost to death. We can never stop feeling the pain. But the pain does dull with time. It stops being an all-encompassing, blaring, blinding agony, and it eventually becomes this ache that lives forever inside you, ready to flare up at an unexpected word, or smell, or sound.

Just like it flares up when I mention Charlie's name. Today I spoke of him to Malikai, trying to make him understand. I don't think he really got it. How can he? He hasn't really accepted his wife's death yet. But I think that at least I helped him begin the journey. It will be long, hard and full of obstacles. The smallest thing will set him back, but he will make it. We all eventually do… unless we take things into our own hands and end it all, like I almost did a number of times.

I'm glad I didn't kill myself. It would have been easier to just blow my brains out, but I would have missed out on so much. Not only would I not have become part of this fantastic, mind-blowing adventure, but neither would I have met Teal'c, or Daniel, or General Hammond, or Janet, or Cassie. I wouldn't have gotten to know and love Sam Carter, and that would have been the greatest tragedy of all.

During the frustrating, unnerving, and sometimes boring time loops of the past few months, when Teal'c and I relived those ten hours more than two hundred times, we learned Latin, which I guess is similar to Ancient. We slept some, or we would have died. We ate a lot of the same stuff — I won't be eating Fruit Loops for a long time — and learned a few new tricks — I taught Teal'c to juggle and I finally got a chance to try my hand at pottery, which is harder than I thought — but most importantly, I got to kiss Carter again. And her lips tasted as sweet as I remember. So I did it again, and again, and again. I resigned first, of course. I never knew when the damn time loops might just stop, and I didn't want to break the rules. It was nice, kissing her and holding her again, but best of all was the way she responded to my kiss, melting in my arms… every single time.


Sam's Journal - Entry 56

Something happened between Jack and me during those wacky time loops. I know it. He keeps giving me these looks, and it reminds me of the cat that stole the cream. Daniel also thinks something happened between us, something most definitely not allowed under the regulations. He didn't say so, but by the look he gave me, and the way he smiled at me, he might as well have.

I almost went to Jack and outright asked him about it. But I didn't dare. I guess I'd rather not know. Every time we come close to being able to deal with each other in a normal way - if not free, at least alleviated of sexual tension - something happens to throw us back into the maelstrom of emotions that keeps us entangled in this off-the-wall, bizarre CO/subordinate platonic relationship.

If I went to him and he told me that we finally slept together, I would feel cheated. He would have memories of us that I can't have, and it would… complicate things. So it is better if I just ignore this and continue to do my job and deal with my CO the best way I can.


Daniel's Journal – Entry 70

We are three and a half months out of sync with the rest of the universe, but in the great scheme of things I guess that is not so disastrous. We were caught in repeating time loops for all that time, and the Tok'ra had almost given us up for lost. They had been ready to send ships to find out what had happened.

For all of us except Jack and Teal'c, only ten hours passed. And if it weren't because I know for a fact that it is impossible to learn Latin in ten hours, I would be having a hard time believing what happened. And it happened because of Malikai, my fellow archeologist, who decided to try to make the time machine on P4X-639 work so that he could be with his dead wife again before she died. I could have told him that such a feat would have only brought on more pain, but it was Jack who finally got through to him. My friend can be convincing when he has to be.

It was painful for all of us to hear him talk of Charlie. He never does, and I think it is because he finds it too excruciating. But he did this time, and I could see the pain so clearly on his face, as if he had lost his son yesterday.

Malikai relented and freed us all from the repeating time loops. We were all relieved, but despite very loud complaints about boredom and frustration, it seems my two friends took advantage of those three months to do stuff they couldn't otherwise do. Teal'c told me he perfected his golf swing by hitting balls through the wormhole with Jack, he learned to juggle quite well, and they both learned Latin, which I was quite impressed with. Now they can both help me with Ancient language translations. Well… I'm sure Teal'c will.

I also think that Jack did something with Sam. By the way he looks at her, as if he knew a juicy secret that no one else does, and the way she blushes when she catches him doing it, I do believe that Jack took advantage of the lack of consequences during the loops. Sam knows it, too, but is acting like she has no idea what I'm talking about. I couldn't help but tease her about it, and although she smiled, I know I made her very uncomfortable, so I won't be mentioning it again. But I'm proud of Jack for taking advantage of the perfect opportunity, and not letting the military rule EVERYTHING.

Jack's Journal – Entry 45

Maybourne is now awaiting execution for treason in a federal penitentiary. But we still have not gotten out of him how he ended up in Russia. Hammond is deeply suspicious and is looking into how the man was able to collaborate with the Russians. He obviously has a lot more connections than we were aware of.

Dr. Markov's comments made me believe that all the information the Russians have about the Stargate, the program, SG-1 and the missions came from Maybourne. And it makes me wonder how much more he shared in general about the military. The man is a treasonous parasite, and I wouldn't put it past him to sell his own mother for profit. I guess we'll end up finding out the hard way.


Sam's Journal - Entry 57

We finally got back from Siberia, and what they say about how frigid the place is, is not an exaggeration. Now we know what happened to the Alpha Gate and why we couldn't find it. The Russians have it and were connecting it to a DHD they had had for quite some time, it seems. Svetlana believes that it came from Egypt (of course) during WWII, when the Germans and their allies were obtaining relics and works of art from all over the world. In any case, they have a working DHD and we don't.

I don't know whether they will continue with their Stargate program or not, but if they do, then some serious coordination will be necessary between the two countries. Hopefully the fiasco in Siberia will discourage them from dumping money into their program.

I really liked Svetlana. She's brilliant, and quite candid and willing to share information. She's bound by her government's decisions, of course, but I hope I get a chance to work with her again. We've decided to keep in touch on an informal basis via encrypted e-mail. Hopefully this won't get either of us in trouble.


Excerpts of Daniel's Journal – Entry 71

We have established some kind of a relationship with a new species, the Unas, Chaka's people, but we lost too much in the endeavor. We lost Dr. Robert Rothman, Lt. Loder, and Major Hawkins and his team. Captain Griff and several others were wounded. It was one of the most disastrous situations we've been in, but it could have been even worse.

We've established that P3X-888 is where the Goa'uld originated, and the waters are teeming with symbiotes, although we have no idea how evolved they are. They are different from the Goa'uld we know in that they have no naquadah in their system. Just as Major Hawkins and Robert were taken over by two of them, the rest of us could have been infected, and we could have returned to Earth with these alien beings inside us. THAT would have been even more disastrous. Doc Frasier made sure to check us out before she released us from the base. No one else was infected.

At least now I have a new friend. Chaka may be primitive, but he understands friendship well enough. He let me live.


Sam's Journal - Entry 58

The Enkarans are gone, being transported to their new planet. We'll never see them again since that planet has no Stargate as far as we know. But I'm confident that they will be happy in their rediscovered home world.

I wonder whether we will ever establish a relationship with Lotan's people. It may prove impossible, given that they are sulfur-based life forms and we are carbon-based. The appropriate environment for each life form is lethal to the other. Besides, who knows how long it will be before their home is ready and they have reestablished their civilization? It could take centuries.

Jack and I were, again, at odds with each other. What he ordered me to do on P5S-381 went against everything I believe in. We were about to destroy a civilization. But to Jack it seemed to make sense. His loyalty was to those he knew and had been ordered to protect. He never wavered in his conviction.

This time I kept my feelings to myself. I tried to make him think about his decision, but I did not argue or try to convince him to change his mind, as much as I wanted to. I was not about to make the same mistake I made when I questioned his actions with Alar. He is my CO, and I must obey his orders.

Thankfully, Daniel is not military and is allowed a lot more leeway in his actions. Jack cannot court martial him for "interpreting" his orders as Daniel sees fit. And at the end of the day, it was our dear friend who managed to save both peoples. He never gave up, and he accomplished what seemed impossible. I'm proud of him and feel blessed to have him on our team. I don't know what we'd do without him!


Excerpts of Daniel's Journal – Entry 72

Jack is both pleased and pissed. During the debriefing with Hammond, he praised my determination to save both the Enkarans and the Gadmeer, but he made it clear that I had disobeyed his orders and placed myself in danger, forcing him to make the decision to blow me up along with Lotan's ship.

Hammond also praised my "compassion and ingenuity," but warned me that I was part of a military operation and that I was expected to obey orders and not put my team or myself in danger. I, of course, defended my actions by saying that I technically had not disobeyed orders, but Hammond just gave me a patient smile and Jack rolled his eyes. Sam actually chuckled at that, and Teal'c shook his head without even looking at me.

I know that my methods drive Jack up the wall sometimes, but I have to be true to myself. I can't be someone I'm not, and I refuse to let tragedies like the destruction of a whole civilization happen just to stay safe. And I guess my courtship with death has something to do with my actions. I keep dancing with it… and winking at it as I evade it and leave it twirling alone on the floor, time and again.


Jack's Journal – Entry 46

Today I was faced with an impossible decision. I had to decide whether to let the few thousand Enkarans live at the expense of a whole civilization hoping to be reborn. And the decision was easier than I thought it could possibly be. All I had to think about was the children and the pregnant women shaking with fear as the ship approached. I guess I'll go with the living and defenseless every time. The Gadmeer had been extinct for thousands of years. The Enkarans were alive now.

What I really had a problem with was detonating the bomb when I knew that Daniel was still inside the ship. At that moment, I screamed in pain and railed at him in fury, all within myself. I hated him for making me kill him, and I dreaded losing him at the same time. But the Space Monkey survived… again. He has more lives than a cat, but I'm afraid that one of these days he will not escape intact.

It also bothered me to have to order Carter to make the bomb that would destroy the ship. Despite my conviction, I could understand her revulsion at having to destroy the Gadmeer. I felt it, too. But I have a lot more practice at putting my feelings aside when something nasty needs to be done. She is still an innocent, despite the past few years by my side. And I hope she remains an innocent. I hope she remains the woman that she is now… sensitive, compassionate and caring, and never becomes jaded, like me.

Sam's Journal - Entry 59

We were gone for four weeks, yet General Hammond never gave up on us. He kept sending Major Griff to investigate every angle, every little piece of muddled information, to try to find us. A full military incursion was in the works when we finally remembered who we were and freed ourselves. And that has to go down as one of the most conflictive moments of my life. While I was happy that we were not just workers on a doomed planet and that we would be going home, I was devastated to realize that I could not continue my relationship with Jonah… with Jack.

His desolate look told me he felt the same way, and I tried to smile and be encouraging, despite the ache in my heart. The brutal reality of our situation slammed against us again, smothering all those feelings that had surfaced and been expressed during the past few weeks. The kisses we shared and the caresses we gave each other must be forgotten… buried as if they'd never happened. And instead of crying like a little girl about what I can't have, I should be happy that we are alive and well, back where we belong and doing what we're supposed to be doing.

I wonder how Jack feels right now. After the debriefing, he just went straight to his locker, changed and left. He said he'd be going fishing. He did not invite anyone to go with him this time. He just gave me this look… this painful, longing look that told me that he wanted me to come along, but that he could not invite me. And I wouldn't have been able to say yes anyway. Not after what we'd shared on that frigid planet. I almost broke down and wept right there in the hallway, with Daniel's arm casually thrown over my shoulder.

I know what Daniel was trying to do. He knows. If he didn't know for sure before, he knows now. He saw our relationship grow and flourish during those hard, dirty weeks in the underground plant. So now he's trying to be supportive when he realizes that both Jack and I are sad and disappointed. I know he is there for me. I've always known that I can count on Daniel, even if it has always been terribly difficult for me to share my feelings for Jack with him. Maybe it is time that I voice my feelings and try to make some sense of my situation. Maybe Daniel can help me cope.


Excerpts of Daniel's Journal – Entry 73

Poor Sam. She was on the verge of tears when Jack left, but she bravely swallowed them long enough to get out of the base without embarrassing herself. She went home. She's supposed to be there for the rest of the week, and I'm definitely planning on stopping by. She looked like she needed some moral support, and that's what I'm here for. I'm her adopted brother, and I won't be able to sleep until I'm sure she's going to be okay.

Jack decided to go fishing and didn't invite us along. He looked like he had lost his best friend… and maybe in a way that is what happened. He lost Thera. I wish I could help him, but he's not the kind of person that I can make feel better. He would just get nasty or try to ignore me if I tried to talk to him about his relationship with Sam. He is too private to share his feelings. And the truth is that he is strong enough to deal with them by himself.

I finally talked to Teal'c about Jack and Sam, and he listened. He did not deny that they love each other and that he knew about it for certain. He did not volunteer any information, but he nodded as I told him about their relationship on the planet, and that they were both hurting right now.

"If duty and honor were simple matters to abide by, our mission would be easier, but less deserving of commitment, and therefore bound to fail," Teal'c responded, and walked away. Again, my friend left me standing in the hallway with my mouth hanging open. I just stood there for a few minutes, thinking about his statement, and realized that he wasn't just talking about Jack and Sam. He was talking about his own sacrifices. And I took one step closer to understanding the depths of my Jaffa friend. He was right, of course, but I wouldn't mind at all if things were easier, and if Jack and Sam could be together, which is what they both want and deserve.


Jack's Journal – Entry 47

I'm glad I decided to bring my laptop to the cabin. I thought fishing would help, but it has not. So I guess it's time to spill my guts, and since I have no one to talk to – not that I would anyway - this will have to do. This… and the one lock of hair I saved from when I gave Carter her haircut on that damned planet. It feels soft between my fingers, and the way it shines in the sun reminds me of how her smile used to make me feel in the darkness and filth of the underground complex, as if a ray of sunshine had sneaked its way into my depressing, gloomy life.

I refused to cut her hair initially, but when she said she'd ask someone else to do it if I didn't, I relented. I snuck that first, long strand into my pocket right away, and I touched it constantly when she wasn't with me. It made me feel closer to her, and its smell made me feel like I could almost taste her. She doesn't know I have it. And I guess she never will. But I'll keep it in my pocket, in its little plastic bag, always with me. It makes me feel better.

When I was done cutting her hair, she just threaded the short strands through her fingers and asked me if she looked too bad. I remember how ridiculous I thought her statement was, and how I smiled at her, telling her that she had never looked more beautiful. And it was true. Short hair suits her. Or maybe I'm just used to my Carter having short hair. In any case, my compliment earned me a bright smile and a sweet kiss of thanks. Cutting hair will always hold special memories for me from now on.

Damn, I hate my life! Okay… maybe that's not quite it. I feel like I hate my life right now because I'm so damned miserable thinking about Carter. I need her, and I can't have her. It's been almost four years of struggle against the Goa'uld, and there is no light at the end of the tunnel. We may never really reach a point when we can stop fighting, and Carter may always be within reach… and yet unreachable.

Those were some sweet days on that miserable planet. Carter made the whole thing worth living. She was Thera to me, the most beautiful, intelligent and caring being I had ever met, and I fell for her just as hard in those few days as I did years ago. My only regret is that we were there too short a time to consummate our relationship. The few kisses and moments of companionship we had will have to sustain me for a long time… maybe forever. Remembering how soft and sweet she was, how good she felt in my arms, and how feminine and vulnerable she was to me, makes me wonder if giving her up is worth it.

But it is not my decision alone. Even if I said "to hell with it", she would never follow my lead. She was adamant about keeping things "in the room", and she would be just as adamant at keeping our relationship on a professional level until I'm no longer her CO.

Maybe that's what it takes. Maybe it's time for me to give up SG-1. Carter could lead the team, and I could still work at SGC. I'm still second in command, but maybe I could give that up, too. There's got to be a way! I have to talk to Hammond.


Daniel's Journal – Entry 74

I stopped by Sam's last night. I initially thought that she was doing rather well, watching a show on TV when I arrived and drinking some wine. She offered me a glass, and we started chatting about inconsequential matters. But when I asked her what she had been watching, she was at a loss. She didn't know. And then her eyes turned to me and filled up with tears.

That was all it took for me to come to her and put my arms around her. "God, Daniel, what are we going to do?" she moaned against my shoulder. And I had no idea what to say to her. What, indeed, can they do?

Since I had no ready answers, I just let her cry on my shoulder, stroking her back and kissing her hair. She only wept for a couple of minutes, then took a hold of herself and reached for a tissue to blow her nose. "I'm acting like a silly teenager, I know."

"No, you're not," I told her. "What you and Jack feel for each other is not a juvenile crush. What you feel for each other is as deep and strong as what Sha're and I shared. So I know that this is serious and important, believe me." She looked at me with those wide blue eyes, red and teary from crying, and just shook her head.

"I don't know that we could compare our love to yours, Daniel. But I do know that this is breaking my heart. It's just too hard," she replied, starting to cry again.

"Sam, just screw the regs! Go ahead and have the relationship you want with Jack. No one but us need to know, and you know that we will always cover your backs." I really meant what I said, but I'm not military.

Needless to say, she was horrified at that suggestion. "I can't do that, Daniel! It goes against everything I'm about. How could I thumb my nose at the rules and regulations that my superiors expect me to uphold as a Major in the Air Force? And what if I do and then our relationship doesn't work? What if we give in, and our relationship ends up being what destroys our team, or places our team in danger, or forces us to make the wrong decisions? I just can't! The rules are there for a reason."

I didn't know what else to say. What seems so simple to me is insurmountable for her. She is committed to our mission, heart and soul, even if it destroys every hope for personal happiness. "Just do what your heart tells you to do, Sam. Whatever that is, you know that I'm here for you." She hugged me tight in response and continued to cry.

I spent most of the night on her couch, holding her while we watched TV. We drank the bottle of wine, reminisced about our days as Karlan and Thera on the plant, and joked about how we continued to be so true to who we were, even though we had no idea who we were or where we had come from. I had continued to question things and complicate matters, Sam had continued to come up with brilliant ideas and fix everything, and Jack continued to be our indisputable leader, funny, grumpy and downright stubborn. Then we both wondered how poor Teal'c ever puts up with the three of us.


Jack's Journal – Entry 48

I talked to Hammond today. What a fiasco! Not only did he refuse to even consider my retirement and resignation as his 2IC, but also he made it pretty clear that he knew why I was asking.

"You need to get your priorities straight, son! What we are fighting against is bigger than any one of us, and we can't give ourselves the luxury of thinking about personal needs or wants. I advise you to go back to your cabin, take a much-needed rest, put things into the proper perspective, and come back with a fresh mind. Then we can talk again if this is still what you want to do. Until then, dismissed!"

Well, what da ya say to that? "Yes, Sir," was all that came out of my mouth, and I left his office with my tail between my legs. I hadn't even told him why I wanted to retire. I had just said I wanted to do so, and that I felt he could count on Major Carter to lead SG-1 as well as take over as 2IC of the facility, once she was promoted to Lt. Colonel. But I guess the old man is not as clueless as I thought. He must know that there are feelings between Carter and me, even though I'm pretty sure Doc Frasier has been discreet.

I have also talked to Freya and asked for her discretion, and she has assured me – I think I was talking to Anise at the time – that she has not even considered the possibility of sharing such intimate information with anyone, especially Jacob Carter. She also wished me good luck in pursuing a relationship with Carter, to which I just responded, "Yeah! I'm gonna need it!"

Regardless of how Hammond knows, he does. And although he is willing to look away and do nothing about it, he's not willing to make any changes to accommodate us. I guess I'd do the same in his shoes, and my tumble into weakness should have never happened. If Carter knew, she'd have a stroke. I just hope I can do as he asked and come back with another mindset firmly in place. But if my dreams are any indication, there is an ice cube's chance in hell that this will happen.

Jonah and Thera visited again last night. I was back there, in the cold, dark, noisy underground plant, feeling filthy and tired, doing my "job". Then I felt Thera's small hand on my shoulder, and she was standing there, behind me. She didn't say a word. She just looked up at me with those clear, blue eyes that spoke of love and yearning… and conflict. Next thing, we were completely alone in the plant. No one was around, and there was absolute silence. And I was no longer cold. She was in my arms, kissing me and stroking my neck, just like she used to do when we could steal a few moments of solitude. One moment we were dressed, and the next we were as bare as Adam and Eve, our hands all over each other, seeking and stroking with urgency, our mouths fused together. We made love on the hard ground, still feeling no cold, no noise, and no other presence but our own. And then I woke up in my bed alone, with a painful manifestation of my lust reminding me that she wasn't real, and that I was alone in my cabin. And I wished that I were back in that plant, cold, dirty and tired, if only I could be with her again.


Sam's Journal - Entry 60

Jack is back from the cabin. I've been back at the SGC for a couple of days, working on the latest piece of technology SG-15 found in P6X-578… I think it is a cooking device, nothing exciting. He stopped by my office and, as usual, just sat there and chatted while I worked and he played with his yo-yo. I was intensely uncomfortable, but at the same time, I didn't want him to leave. I wanted him there, even if my stomach lurched every time he looked at me, fearful that he would ask a question that I still wasn't sure I knew how to answer truthfully. We danced around the Jonah and Thera subject, but we didn't really talk about it. He wanted to know whether I was okay, and I said yes, although that is not quite true. I asked him if he was, and he said he was fine. I know he is not. A while later he left, promising to pick me up on his way to lunch, and I almost begged him to stay, to hold me and kiss me like he used to in that plant. But I didn't.

I know what he was doing. He was trying to determine whether we needed to do something about our situation. But what can we do? Admit that we love each other and that we want to be together? And then what? There is nothing at all we can do about our situation other than splitting the team, having me resign my commission, or having him retire. And none of those options are acceptable. What we are doing is too important. I can't imagine being part of any other team and not having Teal'c, Daniel and Jack by my side while we fight aliens on another planet. I can't imagine having anyone else as my CO. I trust Jack. I feel secure with him as our leader. I feel I can face anything and do anything as part of SG-1. Giving it up would tear me apart; I know it.

Jack would not be happy flying a desk or doing nothing at home. If he retired so that we could be together, he would learn to resent me for it. He is still too young and restless to give it all up. He still has a lot to do. And so do I. So we have to leave things as they are. We have to let Jonah and Thera go completely. We have to continue denying ourselves and just do our jobs. The question is… for how long? And are we strong enough to do it?

I have to face reality and admit that it may be many years before I can say that Jack O'Neill is not my CO. He is 2IC at the SGC, surely General Hammond's eventual replacement, and I can't imagine myself working anywhere else. I'm in my thirties, and the only serious relationship I've had was nothing to be proud of. Although I could very well live the rest of my life as a single woman without regrets, I can't say that I would be happy never having the companionship of a partner. Most of the time I'm too busy to miss having someone to come home to, but there are those times that I do regret coming to an empty house. I keep putting work and my career ahead of everything else, and before I know it, it will be too late for me to have someone to grow old with.

So maybe I have to be realistic about my expectations. Maybe I shouldn't hold out for Jack O'Neill. Maybe I should be more open to the advances of other men and get a life other than the one I have at the SGC. Maybe I can fall in love with someone else… someone I can have.

The thing is… I don't want anyone else. I want Jack, even when my love for him is making me miserable.


Jack's Journal – Entry 49

Carter wants to leave things as they are. She didn't have to say the words. I knew… just by looking at her. We've been able to communicate silently for a long time. It comes in handy in the field, and during boring meetings. So I got it without her having to say it out loud. I tried to broach the subject. I was hoping to hear she felt the way I do. I hoped that she'd say that she was tired of fighting her feelings and that she wanted to have a relationship with me. But she didn't say anything. She said everything was fine, which meant that she wanted things unchanged. And I felt like I had swallowed pure vinegar.

Despite Hammond's admonishment, and despite all those days I spent fishing and trying to "put things into perspective," I was still willing to go to my CO and tell him that I was quitting. I was still willing to give up the military for Carter. She'd be more than worth it, and I could still contribute in some other way. But she's not willing to go there. And if she's not willing, then I can't drag her with me.

So we will continue on as Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter for the time being. She will continue to do as I say, follow my lead, and brighten my days with her smile. I will continue to ask for the impossible, tell bad jokes, and try not to disappoint everyone around me.

Jack's Journal – Entry 50

I feel sorry for Martin. I really do. I can't imagine what I'd feel if I came through the gate one day and found nothing left of my world. It is too devastating to consider. But he seemed to handle it as well as could be expected.

He wavered between astonishment, bitterness and despair. He cried like a baby once the immensity of the tragedy hit him. But he finally faced reality and the fact that he could never go back home, and he seemed perfectly content to stay on Earth and continue living among us. He seems to like it here.

The powers that be agree that he is harmless, as long as he keeps his mouth shut. And he has promised to do that. No one would believe his story anyway. But thinking of Martin's planet reminds me of what could happen to Earth. It reminds me why we're doing what we're doing. It reminds me why we are giving up on personal happiness and continuing to put our lives on the line on a daily basis, with the very dim hope that we will ever get what we want.


Excerpts of Sam's Journal - Entry 61

We almost lost Jack and Teal'c today. It was a very, very close call. They were all but out of oxygen, floating in space, when we got to them, but they still managed to do what they needed to do to help us save them.

I was terrified for them… especially for Jack. And I think my father noticed. When I told him that we were on the planet looking for him so that we could save Jack and Teal'c, he looked into my eyes as if he were truly seeing me for the first time. He just agreed to come and said nothing about it, but I know that he suspects. He kept throwing these looks at me, as if asking me to share with him what I was feeling. But how could I? He would hit the roof if he knew how I really feel about my CO. He would demand that I leave SG-1. And I don't know that even Selmak would be able to restrain him long enough for him not to talk to General Hammond about it.

So I kept silent, tried to act professionally, and kept my desperation to myself. Things worked out, and that is all that matters. Jack and Teal'c are home safe, and we have decided to start afresh with the X-301 project.


Jack's Journal – Entry 51

I almost bought it yesterday, along with Teal'c. Actually, it wouldn't have been such a bad way to go, drifting to sleep… even if a little chilled… and staring at the starry universe. It would have been fitting, in a way, dying with your brother in arms, peacefully contemplating what you've been trying so hard to save.

I know Teal'c feels the same way, even though he didn't say it. He was utterly calm and accepting of his fate. I think his only regret was that I was dying also. It scares me sometimes, this complete acceptance of death we all seem to have, except when it is each other's. We will fight to the end to save each other's lives, yet are willing to give up our own so easily!

Maybe that's what it takes to be able to do a job such as ours. Maybe that's why we have succeeded at staying alive and together where so many other SG teams have been decimated. Who knows?


Daniel's Journal – Entry 75

Sarah is gone, now a host to a Goa'uld. Osiris took her, and it is my entire fault. If I had been more forthcoming about how dangerous the work I'm involved in really is, maybe she would have been more careful. If she hadn't known me, maybe she'd still be here, safe and sound. If I had been able to stop him from leaving with her… if… if… if.

That's all I'm about! Regrets! I hurt the people I love and I stand in the way of progress toward our goal. I trip and fall when it is most important to stay on my feet. I lose sight of what's important, like when I left Sha're at the mercy of Apophis back in Abydos. I should have been by her side, trying to be a good husband. Instead, I turned my back and buried my head in my work… as usual… and she paid the price. Now Sarah is paying, too. And I now know that I may not be able to save her. She may die, just like Sha're did.

Sometimes I wonder why I bother to continue to live! Those I love would probably be better off without me.

Jack's Journal – Entry 52

Teal'c made it alive out of the lion's den, and now we have more Jaffa allies, Rak'nor and his followers. Despite what our friend had to endure at the hands of Heru'ur, he says the outcome is worth it. Rak'nor is now convinced of where his loyalties must lay, and he is a "formidable" warrior, if Teal'c is to be believed.

On a sadder note, Apophis keeps turning up like a bad penny. He's now more powerful than ever, controlling Sokar's and Heru'ur's armies. I'm sure it won't be long before we hear from him again.


Jack's Journal – Entry 53

Something stinks up to high heaven, and Hammond is not talking. There is just no way in hell that he would have just retired out of the blue. Something scared him badly, and for Hammond to be scared out of his job, it has to be big.

His replacement, General Bauer, is already creating havoc. Danny now has a desk job, Carter was thrown fully into research and development, and Teal'c was reassigned to SG-3. Now, I don't consider myself paranoid, but this feels personal. Someone is out to screw me, but I don't like being screwed with.

Like it or not, General Hammond is going to have a conversation with his former second in command.


Sam's Journal - Entry 62

I'm still reeling, and I need to try to make sense of what's going on. Hammond is gone, suddenly retired. General Bauer pulled me off SG-1 and ordered me to work on a naquadah bomb, suddenly our number one priority. Poor Daniel was also pulled and told to concentrate on "archeology," and Teal'c is now part of SG-3. Jack is, needless to say, fuming.

But despite his anger and frustration, he stopped by to see me and ask if I'm doing okay. That was sweet, especially knowing that he is having such a hard time with the changes. When I told him that I had to obey orders, like it or not, he understood what I meant. Of course I'm not okay! He just smiled, and told me to hold my horses. I don't know exactly what he meant, but something tells me that my CO is not taking this lying down. I wonder, however, what he could do about it.


Jack's Journal – Entry 54

I knew it! Hammond was threatened with the lives of his granddaughters, the most precious things to him. He's not willing to endanger them, and he could not do what they wanted him to do, so he left the SGC.

Maybourne is willing to help, and the President has given me authorization to work with him, with the understanding that the man must return to jail and await execution once we're done with him. No problem there. I don't feel I owe Maybourne anything… exactly the opposite. But I can't help but admire the spunk of the guy. He is not desperate or groveling, as you'd expect a man to be when has nothing but imprisonment and death to contemplate. He was almost… smug. He knows something I don't, I'm sure. But then, that's why I'm using him to dig up information.


Daniel's Journal – Entry 76

Jack stopped by today. He wanted to know if I was okay. I just gave him a look. What does he think? That I'd be okay not being part of SG-1? I never thought I'd say this, but archeology is not all I want to do. It's just not enough!

Anyway, he promised that we'd be hearing from him soon, and to "hold my horses," whatever that means. That's just Jack for you. Whatever he meant, I'm sure General Bauer is not going to like it.


Jack's Journal – Entry 55

Everything is okay with the world now. Well… almost everything. We're still fighting the Goa'uld, and Carter is not mine yet, but we're headed back in the right direction.

I should have known that that slime ball, Kinsey, would be in the middle of this. He's more corrupt than we gave him credit for. And to top it all, I may have planted an idea in his brain that may have not been there before. He had the balls to announce that he'll be running for President!

But Hammond is back where he belongs, heading the SGC, my team is back together, and I'm holding Kinsey by his brassy balls. He'd better leave us alone or he knows that I'll spill the beans and ruin his political career. The man is corrupt, but not stupid. He'll behave. I also happened to notice that Maybourne, that sneaky S.O.B., sent himself an e-mail with the same information I'm holding over Kinsey, and lo and behold, he is now in a minimum-security facility. I wonder how long it'll take before he escapes.

Carter, Daniel and Teal'c are happy as clams, glad to be a team again and asking me what I did to bring Hammond back. I told them about Kinsey's involvement and that now I have information on him that should keep his stinky hands off the SGC, but I didn't share what information that is. Daniel just smiled and patted my back, Teal'c nodded in understanding, and Carter… Carter gave me one of those brilliant smiles and told me with her eyes how much she admires me. Yes, I know exactly what her eyes convey. Sometimes they tell me she misses me. Sometimes she tells me to give her space, and sometimes she tells me how much she still loves me. Those are the silent messages I most look forward to. Those are the soundless words that keep me going.

Sam's Journal - Entry 63

Today we got a message from the future… from ourselves. At the very least, it was from Jack. His blood was all over the small piece of paper. It didn't say much. It just warned us not to ever go to P4C-970.

Seeing the cryptic message, written on a bloody, white slip of paper in Jack's own handwriting, spooked us all. No one said a word when General Hammond ordered the coordinates for that planet to be removed from the dialing computer.

Why does it always have to be Jack? Why his blood? Why is he the one to always stick his neck out? At the same time that it makes me want to hit him in frustration, I can't help but realize that this is one of the things I love about him. His self-sacrifice, his bravery, and his willingness to do whatever needs to be done are just some of the qualities I admire about the man.

I guess we'll never know what awaited us on P4C-970, and even though I am curious, I am not nosy enough to want to take the risk and go find out.


Daniel's Journal – Entry 77

Absolute power corrupts absolutely. This I have learned from my own experience. Even if it was not real, to me it was valid enough. I turned against my friends, I killed millions of people, I took what I wanted when I wanted, and I never even felt remorse over it. This is what evil does. And the evil of the Goa'uld is too powerful to overcome.

Now I realize that Shifu was not really here to learn about his mother. He came over to deliver a message. I got it, Oma. Boy, did I ever get it! Shifu will be left alone. We will not try to access the memories he possesses. They will only serve to destroy us. And yes, I must release my burden. I must let go of my quest.

I must forget that Shifu exists. All I need to know is that he is well and taken care of. There's nothing else for me to do, and Sha're would understand. I shared with him the memories I held of her, the memories that keep me sane and on the right path. Those were the closest things to my heart, and I shared them with her son.

I hope, my love, that it is enough. And now that my last promise to you has been fulfilled, do I get to go to you? Am I ready to seek you out? Or must I continue on this valley of tears, trudging my way through pain and sorrow until my time comes?


Jack's Journal – Entry 56

We're finally back from P4X-347, the Goa'uld Vegas. The first thing I did when I returned was to apologize to Doc Fraiser. I felt bad about losing it in the infirmary before I left for that dusty palace, even if I was going through withdrawal at the time. I know that she was feeling down about losing SG-5 before she could figure out how to help them, and I just made her work harder. She just accepted my apology and chose not to say a word, but the way her lower lip trembled when I mentioned SG-5 told me that her tough façade is just that, a façade. I would have hugged her, but I think she'd have fainted from shock, so I didn't.

Back on the planet, during one of those long, boring days in the palace, I had already apologized to Carter for manhandling her on the beach. She also apologized to me for saying what she said about not wanting to continue to call me "Sir" if we were going to be stuck there. And I just had to ask.

I asked her why she'd felt that way and whether those were her true feelings. Does she show me respect because she's expected to or because she truly does respect me? She was horrified by my question. She stammered, she babbled, she downright tripped over her words trying to assure me that she most definitely respects me, and I had to finally stop her so that she would not burst into tears or explode. I joked about it, and she finally relaxed. I do know she respects me. But I remember how much her words bothered me at the time.

I had already changed the subject and was making some lame joke about Goa'uld décor when she suddenly said, "Maybe I didn't want to call you `Sir' because I'd prefer to call you `Jack'." I didn't know what to say to that; especially when she was so obviously uncomfortable with her confession. She was looking down at the floor between her feet, and I could tell that she was upset. So I just said, "It's okay, Sam. Forget about it, all right?"

She just sighed and nodded, still looking down at the floor. She looked so sad that I couldn't help myself, and I reached out and squeezed her shoulder trying to reassure her. I didn't expect what came next. Her hand came up to cover mine, and her cheek leaned on our joined hands with her eyes closed. Just as suddenly, she let go and walked away, leaving me frozen in place and staring after her. My mouth was dry and my heart was racing, but I didn't follow her. I let her go… because that's what I was supposed to do.


Daniel's Journal – Entry 78

We've decided to send Loran to The Land of Light, where we sent Nyan to live. He'll be happy there, with Ry'ac and other people of his own age. We're sure that Tuplo will find a couple willing to take him in and help him get over the loss of his parents.

Nyan seems happy there, working on some of my research. He even has a girlfriend, and even though I'm sure that he misses Bedrosia, he has adapted well to Tuplo's world.

I, again, almost died. It's really getting old, this constant courtship with death. It doesn't even faze me anymore. If it wasn't for Jack, I'd be nothing but a red stain on the ground, but he got to me in time. All I remember is how deeply miserable I was, and how I wanted to sink into oblivion. I guess I owe Jack another one, not that he's keeping score.

I know that those boring weeks in P4X-347 were hard on my teammates, but I have to admit that I enjoyed the companionship. I, of course, spent a lot of time buried in my books, while Jack and Teal'c spent their time boxing or doing some other kind of exercise. (It was nice of Teal'c to stay with us on the planet when he really didn't have to.) Sam spent hers on the device we found, but I don't think she was having too much fun. She's been quite subdued lately, not talking much and smiling even less. She seems… forlorn, and I wish I could make her feel better. But I know that the only thing that would make my friend happy is not likely to happen any time soon.

Sam's Journal - Entry 64

I think Cadet Hailey will graduate now. She has something to look forward to; something that will keep her motivated and disciplined… the Stargate. I think she'll be of great value to the program once she joins it, and this goal is what she needs in order to work on the character flaws that would prevent her from being a good officer.

I couldn't help but sympathize with her. In her I saw myself years ago… a misfit. I was always too smart, too tall, or too good-looking (even if I thought this was always an exaggeration) to fit in well with my peers. They were either jealous, intimidated or outright hostile. No wonder I have self-confidence issues. I've always felt like I had to prove myself everywhere I went.

In school it was my brains and my looks that caused me trouble. Being taller than most boys did not help either, of course. (It's funny that Jennifer has the opposite problem, being so petite in an environment where height is a definite advantage.) Boys didn't know what to make of me. They couldn't classify me easily… geek or bimbo. Too smart for a bimbo and too cute for a geek, so they preferred to stay away.

At the Academy I had trouble because men felt threatened by my physical strength as well as my brains. A few of them even tried to hurt me during drills, all because I had beaten them in hand-to-hand combat. Having a General as a father did not endear me to them either. That's why I decided to keep this a secret during my career. I didn't want anyone to think that my progress was influenced by who my father was. Surprisingly, I had the fewest problems with fellow women. They seemed to sympathize, for the most part, and felt personally insulted when one of the men attacked me in some way. There were few of us, and we stuck together.

I hope Jennifer has an easier time than I did. She seems less vulnerable than I was. She is tough, even abrasive. And I can't help but wonder whether these are the attributes, as annoying as others might find them, that will make her succeed.


Jack's Journal – Entry 57

Sam is alive. After almost giving her up for dead, she is miraculously back with us, although still recuperating in the infirmary. Doc can't stop smiling. She's just happy to see Sam alive, even if she looks like hell. She's pale and weak, but Janet says that a few days of rest will take care of matters.

I killed her. I still can't believe I did it. I pulled the trigger… twice. I did it because it was what I was supposed to do, defend the base at all cost. My programming kicked in, and even though it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, I did it. And now I know what a base animal I really am.

I killed the woman I love. It doesn't matter what the reasons were. What matters is that I found it in me to do it, and I can't help but feel revolted by my actions, just like Janet was. I can still see the reproach in her eyes after I shot Carter. She couldn't believe I had done it either. I guess the good thing is that Hammond found out that his trust in me is not misplaced. Today I realized that he knows, for certain, about my feelings for Carter. He practically said so. And still, he has allowed us to continue to serve together. Now he also knows, for certain, that I'll sacrifice her if need be.

She forgave me. When I talked to her in the infirmary, she told me so. "You did what you had to do, Sir. I understand," she said in a small voice. It didn't make me feel any better. It actually made me feel worse because, despite her words, I could see the pain of betrayal in her eyes. Her baby blues have always told me more than her words ever could. Today they told me that she believed that I didn't truly love her. And she is wrong. I do love her, more than I thought loving anyone was possible. Except for Charlie, I've never felt like this for anyone else before.

But the truth is that I'm a flawed individual. I can become a heartless bastard in a second if necessity arises. I could kill my own mother for the good of the whole. I can do unspeakable things if it is required in order to achieve a greater goal. I can become a machine, ruled only by my brain, completely disregarding my heart. And because of this, I don't deserve Carter's love. I don't deserve the way she feels about me. I will never be the person she should spend her life with. I am not worthy, and I have to let her go.


Sam's Journal - Entry 65

It's been a week since I left the infirmary. General Hammond insisted on down time to allow me to recuperate at home. And I am grateful. Physically I'm fine. The weakness is gone, and I even managed to swallow a meal today. But my heart is still in pieces, and I don't think any amount of rest is going to fix that.

Jack asked for my forgiveness, and I gave it to him without a second thought. I truly forgave him because I know that he did the right thing. Someone needed to stop the entity from going back into the SGC systems. Someone had to kill me. I just wish that it hadn't been him. Why him? Why not Teal'c, or Siler, or General Hammond? It would have been so much easier to get over what happened if someone else had pulled the trigger.

I finally saw something clearly, though. I finally saw that I was acting like a hopeless, infatuated teenager. Colonel Jack O'Neill does not truly love me. At least not the way I love him. I know this because I know, without a doubt, that I would have never been able to shoot him dead. No matter what the consequences, I would not have done it. And I realize that he has what it takes to be the leader we all need, and I don't.

I am too weak. I don't have the strength of character that he has. Good for him; too bad for me. The bottom line is that the golden future that I'd been naively dreaming about, which included my silver-haired CO and many little O'Neills around us, is nothing but a girlish dream. It is time that I give it up. It is time that I face reality, grow up, shed the last vestiges of immaturity, and become the professional soldier others believe me to be. It is time I give him up and allow him to be what he was meant to be, my superior officer and nothing else.


Jack's Journal – Entry 58

I went to see Carter today. She had been typing on her laptop when I arrived at her house. She looked so pale, so frail and so vulnerable in her shorts and t-shirt, like a young girl. It made me feel even older than I am. Although she smiled at me when she opened the door, the smile did not reach her eyes. They remained dull and lifeless, full of sorrow and disillusionment. And I felt a stab of pain lance right through me.

She offered coffee and I declined. I didn't think I could stomach anything. I told her I just wanted to make sure she was doing okay, and she flashed me another fake smile, assuring me that she was doing great. I tried to talk to her about what I had done. "I know you said you forgave me, Carter…" I started to say, but she interrupted me. She wouldn't allow me to go there.

"There's nothing else to say on the subject, Sir," she said. And her eyes were like ice, completely unyielding. "You did what you had to do. I understand it and I accept it. I don't hold it against you. It just opened my eyes, that's all," she said.

"Opened your eyes about what?" I asked. But she wouldn't answer. "It doesn't matter anymore," she replied. But my heart told me it mattered. Oh, yes, it mattered a great deal. But she wouldn't talk about it. I told her I needed to know what she meant, and her response froze me to the core. "What we need doesn't matter either, Sir. We have established that."

No matter what I said, she wouldn't talk any further. She kept changing the subject, so I finally got up and started to leave. At the door, already out on the porch, I felt this irrational urge to hug her. As inappropriate as that was, I put my arms around her and I pulled her into a soft squeeze, half afraid that she would bolt. She didn't, and I almost made a confession. I almost told her that, as I watched her lying there, lifeless in the infirmary, I was just toying with thoughts of suicide because I couldn't bear the thought of living without her. But I remained quiet. I didn't think she'd believe anything I said, but she let me hug her without hugging me back. She just said, "Don't worry about me, Sir. I'm going to be fine."

So I let her go. I've let her go. I got the message. She's going to be fine without me in her life. She doesn't have any hope for us any longer. And if I could cry, I would. I just don't know how to do it anymore.


Sam's Journal - Entry 66

Colonel O'Neill came to see me this afternoon. He came around to see if I was okay, and I did what I could to reassure him, but I don't think I succeeded. He tried to talk about what happened, but I really didn't think I could, so I stopped him. I told him I perfectly understood why he did what he did, and I meant that. But I made the mistake of stating that the events of last week had opened my eyes. I regretted saying it as soon as the words came out of my mouth, but they were out already, and he wanted to know what I meant.

I couldn't tell him. I just can't talk to him about my feelings anymore. We are not the same people we were at P4X-234. What happened last week changed us in many ways. At least it changed how we perceive each other. Or maybe it's all in my head. Maybe it just changed how I perceive ourselves. He's probably been crystal clear on things from the beginning, judging by what happened. As opposed to me, who was living in La-La land, dreaming of a man and a life I can't possibly have.

Well… no more! Now I can finally see my two feet set firmly on the ground, and I'll make sure they stay there. Colonel Jack O'Neill will always own a special corner of my heart, but he is not my future. He can't be. He is unattainable, and I have finally accepted that. It hurts. It still makes me cry. It made me cry all afternoon today. But I know that my tears will diminish with time, just like they did when I lost Mom.

Some day I will meet someone that would rather let the world be destroyed than hurt me. I know that thought is selfish and ridiculous, but that's how I need someone to love me. That's the kind of man I want to have beside me. Someone that needs me, that can't live without me. I thought Jack was that man. After what happened in Apophis' ship, I was sure. But I was wrong. Jack would be able to see me die and put it behind him, continue to live and do his job and just give me a few moments of thought every now and then. He did it with Charlie, and he would do it with me. I actually admire him for that. That ability is what makes him the strong man he is. Good for him.


Jack's Journal – Entry 59

I saw my team die today. And I don't mean the robots. I mean my own team. It was a dream… a nightmare, but it felt real. And in my dream I lost it. I screamed like a mad man. I cursed God. I cried like a baby, something I haven't done in years, and I collapsed to the ground, pounding on it as I would have pounded on God if I could.

In dreams we are able to express our feelings much better than in reality. We don't have the inhibitions that keep our façades intact in the real world. We are able to do what we really want to do. That's why now, when I dream of Carter, I see myself at her feet, begging her to love me again, instead of seeing myself naked on top of her, making love to her. My Carter dreams aren't so lustful anymore. They are full of regret and tears, and they always end the same way, with her turning her back and walking away, leaving me desolate and dejected.

I know where my nightmare came from. I guess seeing our robot selves die on Juna was more traumatic than I had realized. I knew it wasn't us, but seeing my robot self slowly die was upsetting, to say the least. And seeing Robot Carter collapse and die before my eyes was even harder because it was just too close to what I had done to the real Carter not too long ago. It brought it all back, and I felt guilty again. I felt like her death was my entire fault, just like when I shot Carter.

Damn Robot Jack for going back on his word! Why did he have to lie and keep the gate open? Why did he have to go through it and eventually get his team killed? They didn't have to die. They could have lived on. They could have pursued other endeavors. They could have been together… he and his Carter… always.

Robot Daniel could have buried himself in research for the rest of his life and been happy. Robot Carter could have done the same thing and still be alive. Our robot selves could have pursued the relationship we can't have. Maybe they already had! But I suspect that they went through that gate because Robot Jack was too damned restless and selfish to let things be. He probably even convinced himself that he was doing it for Robot Teal'c, the one that probably was least suited to life in that isolated planet. But I know better. He did it for himself. He did it because he was a self-centered bastard, just like I am. And now they are all gone.

At least we got to kill one more Goa'uld System Lord and take his ship. Now we own our very first mothership, and Cronus is history… no pun intended. My buddy, Teal'c, has a new spring to his step. He seems to stand even straighter and taller now, if that is at all possible. He has not been able to revenge Shau'nac's death yet, but he was able to avenge his father's. Revenge can do wonders for people like Teal'c and me. Daniel would not understand. Not even Carter could understand. But I do.


Daniel's Journal – Entry 79

Sam filled me in with details on the mission to Juna. She told me how our robot counterparts "died," and I couldn't help but feel sorry for Harlan. The poor guy is alone again, although from what Sam said, he doesn't have trouble keeping up with maintenance on his "world" anymore. Robot Carter automated everything, which made it possible for them to embark on missions through the gate.

I don't know why they are so surprised that our robot selves were doing that. I knew they would. I never thought that Robot Jack would placidly stay put on that planet with nothing to do. I never imagined that Robot Teal'c would do so either. And I knew that they all would follow wherever Robot Jack decided to go. That was never in question.

However, I did put my foot in my mouth. I asked Sam whether she thought that Robot Sam and Jack were "involved." She froze with a forkful of pasta halfway to her mouth, and she put it down again. Then she looked at me with the most wounded look in her eyes and said, "I don't think that really matters, Daniel."

I had to lower my eyes and nod in shame. My friend is hurting, and I succeeded in hurting her more with my loose tongue. Sometimes I wonder why she puts up with me! I know that she hasn't been the same since the "entity" incident. She looks at Jack differently now. The longing adoration and blatant admiration that used to be in her eyes has been replaced by steely determination and distant respect. She has made up her mind about their relationship, and she didn't have to tell me for me to realize that. Her whole demeanor changes when Jack enters a room. She sits straighter, her face becomes blank, and her eyes become cold.

Sam is as professional and brilliant as ever. She treats Jack with respect. I can tell she still admires him, and she even smiles at his jokes. But she's doing her damnedest to get over her feelings for him. And I know he has also noticed.

The other day, when Sam was explaining something to General Hammond during a debriefing session, I caught an unguarded look from Jack. He was staring at her with such deep regret in his eyes that I almost said something. It was just too hard to watch. Instead I coughed, then I shifted in my seat, and finally I sneezed. I did everything I could to catch everyone's attention and break the painful spell my friend was under. And I did succeed. His attention snapped to me, and he just said, "Bless you, Danny Boy!" I was glad to see his usual irreverent smile back on his face, even it is was just for a brief moment.

I introduced a topic that I know makes Jack happy: Cronus' Ha'tak vessel. We decided that we need the Tok'ra's help to be able to use it to its full capability. In exchange for their assistance, our next mission involves lending them the ship. Jacob has informed us that they would like to move their base to a world that has no gate, and the mothership will serve this purpose. We'll be moving the contents of the Vorash base, including its gate, to an uncharted world that's more likely to remain safe from the Goa'uld.

Jacob also informed us that Tanith's usefulness has reached an end now that they will be safe from the Goa'uld. They intend to retrieve the symbiote from Hebron, its host, and execute it by leaving it in the Tok'ra tunnels as they collapse once they have evacuated Vorash. I watched Teal'c's expression during this conversation very carefully, but he revealed nothing. I know, however, that he's probably not happy. I know that he'd prefer to kill the symbiote with his own two hands and finally avenge his dead lover. But I said nothing. We'll have to see what really transpires once we get to Vorash. Something tells me that the Tok'ra plans will not go down exactly as they would like.


The End




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