Sam's Journal - Entry 67
We blew up a sun! Like my CO would say: "A big honking sun!" And despite the fact that it was the last feat I thought we would accomplish — at one point being 125 years away from Earth and all — I was still awed by what we managed to do. Dad was awed as well, and told me so after we finally made it back, against all odds. It's funny that it was thanks to the Replicators that we were able to make it back home at all, and get rid of Apophis, once and for all. And again, we were able to destroy the critters before they invaded our galaxy. One more reprieve… I wonder how many more we'll get.
It was quite an eventful mission. And we are still reeling… especially with the repercussions on Teal'c. We still don't know what to do about him. We don't know what Apophis put our friend through, but he managed to turn him against us. He insists he's been a spy and agent for Apophis during the last four years, but we all know that this isn't true. We know Teal'c. We know his heart as well as we know our own. He has been brainwashed, and he's suffering.
Dad can't help. He doesn't know how and is pretty certain that there is no technology available to the Tok'ra that can deal with the problem. He has already contacted them, and we know for certain now that Apophis' fleet was destroyed. Our allies are finally happy with the results of one of our missions. They say that the resulting power vacuum and chaos left behind by the destruction of both Cronus' and Apophis' power bases will leave the remaining system lords fighting among themselves for a long time. Let's hope that's true.
For now, I worry about our friend. We'll never give up on him.
Jack's Journal – Entry 60
Teal'c is being a stubborn SOB, but I know it's not his fault. Although we're pretty sure that Apophis is really and finally gone (he just couldn't have survived the crash of his mothership), I wish I could have his scrawny neck in my hands right now, so that I could squeeze the life out of him myself. Wherever he is, Hell or Purgatory, I'm sure he's laughing at us right now.
Our priority right now is to get Teal'c to remember who he is and what he believes in… before news of his "betrayal" gets out and the NID tries again to turn him into a guinea pig.
Daniel's Journal – Entry 80
Jack is worried about Teal'c. He's not just worried about having shot him and about our friend being brainwashed. He worries that his situation may give the NID the excuse to do what they had attempted to do with him when he first arrived at the SGC more than four years ago. They would love to study him and his Goa'uld larva. And they may get the chance to do so if we can't help Teal'c overcome the brainwashing.
General Hammond is standing firm and trying to do what he can to avoid an information leak. Only certain personnel have access to Teal'c and information on his current situation. But no one is going to be able to keep things contained if Teal'c succeeds in hurting someone before we're able to help him. So this is a race against the clock. We'd better think of something fast.
Jack's Journal – Entry 61
I had another nightmare last night… another frickin' nightmare to add to the collection. I wonder how many versions of this one I'll live through before it gets old and is replaced by another. It was about Teal'c. I had to kill him.
He'd played sick in the infirmary, and the soldiers guarding him had stupidly lowered their guard and allowed a worried medic to loosen one of his restraints. Somehow Teal'c overpowered them and escaped, knocking out a number of people on his dash to the control room. Carter had been on her way to visit him and heard the commotion. She ran to the armory and picked up a zat gun after alerting the base, but Teal'c got to her before she could turn to stop him.
Then I was somehow behind him, screaming at him to let her go. And suddenly we were no longer on the corridor. We were by the gate, and I had a gun in my hand. It was the same gun that Charlie had shot himself with… my personal gun.
Teal'c turned to me, using Carter as a shield, and snarled at me, "Are you going to kill me, too? You already killed your son! Just like you killed her!" And he shook Carter by the throat as he held her limp body against him. Her eyes were closed and she was wearing the same infirmary pajamas that she had been wearing when I shot her dead all those weeks ago. Her bare feet were hanging a foot from the floor, and she was lifeless and pale against the dark skin of my friend. I felt the same anguish I'd felt then, the same awful, stabbing pain in my heart as when I had had to pull the trigger that second time. And I wanted to just lift the gun and blow my own brains out.
"You can't stop me, O'Neill! I'm going back to my God!" Teal'c yelled at me, and then I lifted my right arm and I shot him. I shot my friend dead to prevent him from leaving us.
I walked, almost floated up to the two prone figures on the floor of the gateroom, and I saw blood all over Teal'c's face, and more blood on Carter… my beautiful, wonderful Carter. They were both dead… by my hand.
Then Daniel was standing across from me, on the other side of the bodies, and General Hammond, Siler, and many other people from the SGC, including Jacob/Selmak, were standing behind him. "You did what you had to do, Jack. It's not your fault," my closest friend said to me. And then I started to laugh. It was a bitter, hysterical laugh. Even to my own ears it sounded foreign.
"I don't want to have to kill you, too, Danny Boy!" I said to him. And then I lifted the gun to my head and pulled the trigger.
I woke up in a cold sweat with my mouth dry and my heart racing, as usual, and my first impulse was to reach for the phone to call Carter. I needed to hear her voice. I needed to know that she was all right. But I resisted the crazy impulse and held my head in my hands for a long time. Then I went to the bathroom to splash cold water on my face. When I looked at myself in the mirror, I realized that I had been crying. After all these years, I was finally broken, crying like a child.
I wonder what Doc MacKenzie would have to say about that dream.
Daniel's Journal – Entry 81
Bra'tac succeeded where MacKenzie and Janet did not. And he succeeded because he was willing to let Teal'c die, rather than allow his friend and pupil to continue living as a servant to Apophis. I was surprised that General Hammond allowed him to go to the extreme that he did, but Jack was in full support.
Jack later told me that he understood why Bra'tac did what he did. He admitted that he'd rather see Teal'c dead than let him go back to being a mindless slave to a false god. "I'm just glad I didn't have to be the one pulling the trigger," he said to me. I'm still not sure what he meant by that, but I suspect he was referring to what he'd had to do to Sam.
It pains me to see Jack hurting. And there is not a question in my mind that he is. I see it on his face every time he remembers what he did to Sam. It doesn't matter that she forgave him and is back to her old self. She even smiles at him as she used to, and seems more relaxed lately. She seems to have gotten over her trauma, and her relationship with Jack, if a bit more distant than before, seems to have returned to normal. But he's still hurting. And there's nothing I can do to help him.
Sam's Journal - Entry 68
Colonel O'Neill says I'm tense. And he meant I was "uptight," "strung out," naturally "anal." At least that's what I gathered. I resent that. I'm not like that. I'm just… focused. I'm determined, hard working, meticulous, and many other things. But I don't consider myself neurotic. The hell with him!
But here I am, alone in my house, "resting" as I was ordered to do. I know I'm going to be bored out of my mind by morning, but I'll try to do what I'm told, just in case they come to check on me. I do know that they are sincerely worried about my fainting spell today.
I wonder what Janet is doing tonight. I should give her a call.
Sam's Journal - Entry 69
Well! Some friend she is! She yelled at me and told me to go to bed and rest. I just fainted, for goodness' sake! I didn't have a stroke or anything like that. It was probably just low blood sugar.
But I might as well give in. I better go brush my teeth, put my PJ's on and go to bed. Maybe tomorrow I can convince Janet to let me borrow Cassie for a day of fun.
Jack's Journal – Entry 62
I'm worried about Carter. She fainted yesterday, and today she says there's an alien in her house. And this alien is in love with her. I know I've told her to get a life, but this is ridiculous!
She's never acted like this before. She's always been rock-solid, resilient, nothing-can-get-me Carter. But everyone reaches a breaking point eventually. And she's been through a lot lately. Some of which I'm responsible for, I hate to admit.
Doc Fraiser agrees with me. She's also worried. But we have to give Carter the benefit of the doubt. I mean… she's a Major in the Air Force, not a dingbat from the street. So we'll order her house to be put under surveillance and we'll see what we get.
Sam's Journal - Entry 70
I have a man living with me. And he's an alien from another planet… a very sweet, intelligent, sensitive and handsome alien. I tried… I really tried to make General Hammond and Colonel O'Neill believe me. But I don't think they do. And at the beginning I was quite offended, but now I'm a little glad that they don't. It has given me an opportunity to get to know Orlin and to learn about his people, although not nearly enough. I know that he and Oma Desala are of the same people, but he is very good at avoiding my direct questions and hasn't given me any really useful information. He is hiding something, but I hope I'll have enough time to learn more.
Sam's Journal - Entry 71
Orlin has been here for two weeks now, and I have to say that I'm getting used to having him around. I really do like him… as a person, and I enjoy his company and his conversation. He is kind, gentle, wise and understanding, and he is a soothing presence in my stressful life. He doesn't demand anything except for a phone call if I'm to be late. He says he worries about me. He doesn't even ask too many questions. He spends his time watching TV, surfing the net, and reading everything I have in my library. And he seems to remember it all. So he has been able to adapt quite well. There's even dinner waiting for me on a beautifully set table when I come home at night.
We "join" on a daily basis. He tells me that he enjoys the connection, and that it helps him to understand my moods. I don't know exactly what he means by that, but I do enjoy the "joining" as well. It is soothing and uplifting. I can sense him inside me, almost like the touch of a feather, a comforting presence within my soul. I can "feel" how good he is, and how thoroughly selfless he is. I can almost see his serene psyche reaching to mine, trying to reassure me and calm me.
And last night we "joined" in a more human way. I don't know how or why it happened. We were just chatting after dinner, sitting companionably on the couch, as we've done every night. He got very close to me and I thought he meant for us to "join" again, so I just closed my eyes and waited for that stirring feeling of peace to overcome me. Instead, I felt his soft lips cover mine, very gently. I was startled and I pulled back, but he was not offended. He just smiled at me, and those clear, sweet eyes held mine until I found myself leaning over and kissing him in return.
I had never been touched with such reverence before. I had never had anyone take such a sweet, long time exploring my body. After the kiss, he helped me up and led me to my bed. I knew what he wanted, and he deliberately gave me enough time to turn him away. But I didn't. Instead, I started to nervously unbutton my shirt as I sat on the bed looking up at him. I don't remember what I was thinking. I just felt this need to be touched… this total feeling of surrender overcome me.
He slowly knelt in front of me, his eyes holding mine the whole time, and pulled my hands away to continue to unbutton my shirt himself. By the time he slipped the fabric off my shoulders, I was melting with need. His fingers grazed my skin softly as he unhooked my bra, and I felt a moment of panic, but I didn't stop him. When I felt his lips on my breasts, I closed my eyes with a combination of desire and shame. It felt sinfully good, his mouth on me, kissing, licking and sucking lightly. I was letting an alien being that I hardly knew make love to me. And the whole time another face was floating behind my eyelids, pushing itself into my consciousness with dark, intense eyes. As the blond hair of my new lover trailed all over my chest and neck, I imagined it was the silver hair of my CO.
I was surprised to find myself crying, trying desperately not to make a sound while Orlin's hands divested me of the rest of my clothes and bared me to his eyes. I thought he'd stop when he realized it, but he didn't. He just brushed my tears away with infinite tenderness and smiled at me with understanding. "It's all right, Sam. It's all right," he told me. And I believed him. Even though I knew he knew. Even though I knew he had realized that I was crying for another man's touch. He continued to make love to me.
He kissed me and touched me with passion, his naked body covering mine, and I responded as if I was on fire. I held him to me with all my strength as he kissed me. His hands were touching me everywhere, and I remember biting my tongue and trying very hard not to say a word… because I was afraid to call out the wrong name.
It was an amazing experience. We made love all night, taking breaks to hold each other and talk, then napping, then making love again. He told me he remembered making love to women before he ascended, when he had been mortal during a long-forgotten life. But he did not remember feeling for anyone the way he felt for me.
I didn't know what to say. I felt horrible knowing that I had been thinking of other hands and other lips as he touched me and kissed me intimately. But he surprised me by grasping my chin and making me look at him. "Don't feel bad, Sam. I know, and I understand. It's not your fault that you feel the way you do. All I hope is that I have made you feel better."
I assured him that he had, because he really did. I told him that I had never felt so loved and cherished. He truly did make me feel special, and this seemed to really please him.
But then he wanted to talk about my feelings for Jack. He said I needed to talk about them. I didn't want to even mention his name and kept changing the subject. It was too painful and uncomfortable to talk about Jack and my feelings for him while I was in the arms of another man. It just felt wrong. Orlin understood and stopped asking, but he said, "Never feel sorry for loving someone, Sam. Love is the most beautiful and selfless feeling you are capable of, and the most special gift you can give to another."
Jack's Journal – Entry 63
Carter is seeing someone. The other day, when Teal'c and I stopped by to cheer her up with pizza and a movie, she had someone in her house. I keep telling myself that I should be happy for her. I keep telling myself that she has a right to have a life, love, romance, dates, fun, laughs… And I feel like the worst hypocrite! I don't want her to have any of those things with another man. I want her to have those things with me, even when I know that I can't offer her anything as long as I'm her CO.
How selfish am I? How can I say I love her and still not want her to be happy? Why do I feel like strangling the first passerby after I hear Carter humming in her lab, obviously light-hearted and happy? How long has it been since her smile was as spontaneous and bright as it's been for the last few days? I should be happy for her. I should be relieved that she's not putting her life and her happiness on hold, waiting for something that may never come to pass. And I should be doing the same thing. I should be going out and taking what is so often offered, no strings attached. It would be a welcome relief.
Who am I kidding? I don't want to screw anyone else. I don't want to waste my time with someone that can't confuse me with techno babble and mesmerize me with large, blue eyes lit up with excitement and intelligence. I don't want to see anyone else smile, because no one can smile like Carter. No voice is sexier, no hair as touchable, no body as alluring as Carter's. And if I'm not a fool in love, then the Goa'uld are not snakes and the Replicators are just Legos.
Daniel's Journal – Entry 82
A Colonel Simmons from the NID has descended on the SGC and is pushing General Hammond to test the weapon on Velona. Sam is warning them that it is not a good idea, but no one is listening. General Hammond has given her some time to investigate and prove to Simmons why they should not test it. But the frantic look in Sam's eyes tells me that there is more to the story, and she's not sharing.
Something has been going on with my friend lately. I've tried to come and visit her a number of times during the last two weeks, and she's given me every excuse in the book to prevent me from coming to see her. She has also been particularly perky and smiley during the last few days. It almost seems like a burden has been lifted from her shoulders.
I suspect she's dating someone, and I think Jack suspects the same thing. He has been grumpier and gloomier than usual, and I've caught him staring at Sam with a dark look in his eyes when he thinks no one is watching. I asked Janet if she knew anything about Sam's love life, and she said that, as far as she knew, Sam wasn't dating anyone. She has been, however, going home at a regular time every evening, which by itself is a red flag.
Whatever it is, I'm sure we'll find out sooner or later. For now, she is determined to stop the test on Velona.
Sam's Journal - Entry 72
Orlin is gone. He… died, I guess. That's one way to look at it. The point is that he's no longer in my home, no longer in my bed, and no longer in my life. I will never see him or hear him again. I will never again feel the serenity that he so freely offered. I will never see those soft, blue eyes gazing at me with complete openness and understanding as I drift away to sleep at night.
He sacrificed himself for us. He didn't want us to suffer what the inhabitants of Velona suffered. And he saved our lives when he took the naquadah generator away. Did he cease to exist when the device exploded? Did he suffer? Did he feel pain?
I had a small taste of what a real, loving relationship can be. And it was taken away so soon! I'm ashamed to say that, even though he gave me so much during such a short time, I can't say that I fell in love with him. I did love him, in a way. I felt deep fondness and tenderness for him, as well as gratefulness for how he made me feel. And I enjoyed making love with him. Who would not? He was so patient, gentle and loving! But I did not feel for him what I know I'm capable of feeling. I know… because I feel that way for someone else.
It scares me to think that maybe I'm not capable of loving anyone else like that. I'm afraid that maybe I'm stuck with this situation forever and that I won't have a chance at a fulfilling love life with anyone. Is it possible that one of the few men unattainable to me is also the only one who can provoke the feelings of love and passion that I feel when I dream about him? As pleasurable and comforting as it was to make love with Orlin, it could not compare to the excitement and total abandon I felt when Jack and I kissed on P4X-234. And it could never compare with the complete bliss I felt when I though he was Jonah and I was Thera.
I guess I should feel lucky for what I had with Orlin, as short-lived as it was. It did bring me a sense of peace that I was missing, and he made me think about my feelings for Jack in a different way. He said not to feel sorry for loving him. And I guess I don't anymore. But it is just as hopeless as it ever was.
I miss you, Orlin. I miss your presence in my life. I miss the peace you so selflessly offered. I hope you have found companionship where you are, wherever you are.
Daniel's Journal – Entry 83
Now we know the whole story. Sam had been living with an alien, Orlin, who seems to be of the same race as Oma Desala. And now we suspect that this race is none other than the gate builders. Otherwise, how could Orlin have built a mini-gate so easily, and not even using naquadah? If the NID had not stuck their noses where they didn't belong, Sam might have been successful at finding out a lot more information.
Colonel Simmons left in a fury after he failed at capturing the alien. He was especially furious at Sam and tried to bring her up on charges of treason, but Jack and General Hammond defended her. So he didn't succeed at even having a reprimand put in her file. The truth is that she did everything she could to convince us of the alien presence, and we didn't believe her.
Sam is depressed and worried about Orlin. She thinks that he may have died. I tried to explain to her what I believe Oma Desala is. If I'm right, I don't think Orlin can die. He is energy now, and hopefully no longer a lonely being, as he used to be before he took human form again. He has Sam to thank for that. If he hadn't fallen for her, he would still be that lonely blob of energy floating on Velona. If what Sam says is true, and the others gave him another chance, then he's no longer alone.
I think I succeeded in giving Sam some hope that Orlin is all right. Jack, on the other hand, is even grumpier and gloomier after reading Sam's report. Although he apologized to her for not believing her story and thinking she had lost her mind, he seems upset at her for having kept so much from him. He denies it, of course, but I think I'm right.
Anyway, I told him to stop being so darn selfish and be glad that Sam is all right, thanks to Orlin. He said he was, and he insisted that he's okay with Sam's decisions. Maybe Sam believes him, but I don't.
Jack's Journal – Entry 64
Carter is all right, and that's all that matters. She could have died in Velona, and she didn't. I should be relieved and happy. Why is it then that I feel so angry? I know I'm not angry with her. When I look at her I feel like going down on my knees and thanking all the gods for her still being with us.
I guess I'm just plain jealous. I knew there was a man in Carter's life. I could feel it in my gut. But I never thought that that man would be the alien we thought she had been fantasizing about. Her "fantasy" turned out to be a paragon of virtue, if her report is to be believed. And he lived with her for almost three weeks.
I'm not a naïve man or an idiot. Virtuous or not, he was a healthy male, and I know what healthy males feel when they see Carter. I don't have to have it spelled out to me to know that she was intimate with him. She didn't come out and write this in her report, but she gave enough information to let us form our own conclusions. General Hammond, being the gentleman he is, decided not to dig into the matter and ask for more detailed information. I, being the coward I am, agreed with him.
I get it, Carter. I get it. And I do hope you find some happiness, even if it isn't with me. I love you enough to sincerely want that for you, even if it breaks my heart.
Sam's Journal - Entry 68
Colonel O'Neill says I'm tense. And he meant I was "uptight," "strung out," naturally "anal." At least that's what I gathered. I resent that. I'm not like that. I'm just… focused. I'm determined, hard working, meticulous, and many other things. But I don't consider myself neurotic. The hell with him!
But here I am, alone in my house, "resting" as I was ordered to do. I know I'm going to be bored out of my mind by morning, but I'll try to do what I'm told, just in case they come to check on me. I do know that they are sincerely worried about my fainting spell today.
I wonder what Janet is doing tonight. I should give her a call.
Sam's Journal - Entry 69
Well! Some friend she is! She yelled at me and told me to go to bed and rest. I just fainted, for goodness' sake! I didn't have a stroke or anything like that. It was probably just low blood sugar.
But I might as well give in. I better go brush my teeth, put my PJ's on and go to bed. Maybe tomorrow I can convince Janet to let me borrow Cassie for a day of fun.
Jack's Journal – Entry 62
I'm worried about Carter. She fainted yesterday, and today she says there's an alien in her house. And this alien is in love with her. I know I've told her to get a life, but this is ridiculous!
She's never acted like this before. She's always been rock-solid, resilient, nothing-can-get-me Carter. But everyone reaches a breaking point eventually. And she's been through a lot lately. Some of which I'm responsible for, I hate to admit.
Doc Fraiser agrees with me. She's also worried. But we have to give Carter the benefit of the doubt. I mean… she's a Major in the Air Force, not a dingbat from the street. So we'll order her house to be put under surveillance and we'll see what we get.
Sam's Journal - Entry 70
I have a man living with me. And he's an alien from another planet… a very sweet, intelligent, sensitive and handsome alien. I tried… I really tried to make General Hammond and Colonel O'Neill believe me. But I don't think they do. And at the beginning I was quite offended, but now I'm a little glad that they don't. It has given me an opportunity to get to know Orlin and to learn about his people, although not nearly enough. I know that he and Oma Desala are of the same people, but he is very good at avoiding my direct questions and hasn't given me any really useful information. He is hiding something, but I hope I'll have enough time to learn more.
Sam's Journal - Entry 71
Orlin has been here for two weeks now, and I have to say that I'm getting used to having him around. I really do like him… as a person, and I enjoy his company and his conversation. He is kind, gentle, wise and understanding, and he is a soothing presence in my stressful life. He doesn't demand anything except for a phone call if I'm to be late. He says he worries about me. He doesn't even ask too many questions. He spends his time watching TV, surfing the net, and reading everything I have in my library. And he seems to remember it all. So he has been able to adapt quite well. There's even dinner waiting for me on a beautifully set table when I come home at night.
We "join" on a daily basis. He tells me that he enjoys the connection, and that it helps him to understand my moods. I don't know exactly what he means by that, but I do enjoy the "joining" as well. It is soothing and uplifting. I can sense him inside me, almost like the touch of a feather, a comforting presence within my soul. I can "feel" how good he is, and how thoroughly selfless he is. I can almost see his serene psyche reaching to mine, trying to reassure me and calm me.
And last night we "joined" in a more human way. I don't know how or why it happened. We were just chatting after dinner, sitting companionably on the couch, as we've done every night. He got very close to me and I thought he meant for us to "join" again, so I just closed my eyes and waited for that stirring feeling of peace to overcome me. Instead, I felt his soft lips cover mine, very gently. I was startled and I pulled back, but he was not offended. He just smiled at me, and those clear, sweet eyes held mine until I found myself leaning over and kissing him in return.
I had never been touched with such reverence before. I had never had anyone take such a sweet, long time exploring my body. After the kiss, he helped me up and led me to my bed. I knew what he wanted, and he deliberately gave me enough time to turn him away. But I didn't. Instead, I started to nervously unbutton my shirt as I sat on the bed looking up at him. I don't remember what I was thinking. I just felt this need to be touched… this total feeling of surrender overcome me.
He slowly knelt in front of me, his eyes holding mine the whole time, and pulled my hands away to continue to unbutton my shirt himself. By the time he slipped the fabric off my shoulders, I was melting with need. His fingers grazed my skin softly as he unhooked my bra, and I felt a moment of panic, but I didn't stop him. When I felt his lips on my breasts, I closed my eyes with a combination of desire and shame. It felt sinfully good, his mouth on me, kissing, licking and sucking lightly. I was letting an alien being that I hardly knew make love to me. And the whole time another face was floating behind my eyelids, pushing itself into my consciousness with dark, intense eyes. As the blond hair of my new lover trailed all over my chest and neck, I imagined it was the silver hair of my CO.
I was surprised to find myself crying, trying desperately not to make a sound while Orlin's hands divested me of the rest of my clothes and bared me to his eyes. I thought he'd stop when he realized it, but he didn't. He just brushed my tears away with infinite tenderness and smiled at me with understanding. "It's all right, Sam. It's all right," he told me. And I believed him. Even though I knew he knew. Even though I knew he had realized that I was crying for another man's touch. He continued to make love to me.
He kissed me and touched me with passion, his naked body covering mine, and I responded as if I was on fire. I held him to me with all my strength as he kissed me. His hands were touching me everywhere, and I remember biting my tongue and trying very hard not to say a word… because I was afraid to call out the wrong name.
It was an amazing experience. We made love all night, taking breaks to hold each other and talk, then napping, then making love again. He told me he remembered making love to women before he ascended, when he had been mortal during a long-forgotten life. But he did not remember feeling for anyone the way he felt for me.
I didn't know what to say. I felt horrible knowing that I had been thinking of other hands and other lips as he touched me and kissed me intimately. But he surprised me by grasping my chin and making me look at him. "Don't feel bad, Sam. I know, and I understand. It's not your fault that you feel the way you do. All I hope is that I have made you feel better."
I assured him that he had, because he really did. I told him that I had never felt so loved and cherished. He truly did make me feel special, and this seemed to really please him.
But then he wanted to talk about my feelings for Jack. He said I needed to talk about them. I didn't want to even mention his name and kept changing the subject. It was too painful and uncomfortable to talk about Jack and my feelings for him while I was in the arms of another man. It just felt wrong. Orlin understood and stopped asking, but he said, "Never feel sorry for loving someone, Sam. Love is the most beautiful and selfless feeling you are capable of, and the most special gift you can give to another."
Jack's Journal – Entry 63
Carter is seeing someone. The other day, when Teal'c and I stopped by to cheer her up with pizza and a movie, she had someone in her house. I keep telling myself that I should be happy for her. I keep telling myself that she has a right to have a life, love, romance, dates, fun, laughs… And I feel like the worst hypocrite! I don't want her to have any of those things with another man. I want her to have those things with me, even when I know that I can't offer her anything as long as I'm her CO.
How selfish am I? How can I say I love her and still not want her to be happy? Why do I feel like strangling the first passerby after I hear Carter humming in her lab, obviously light-hearted and happy? How long has it been since her smile was as spontaneous and bright as it's been for the last few days? I should be happy for her. I should be relieved that she's not putting her life and her happiness on hold, waiting for something that may never come to pass. And I should be doing the same thing. I should be going out and taking what is so often offered, no strings attached. It would be a welcome relief.
Who am I kidding? I don't want to screw anyone else. I don't want to waste my time with someone that can't confuse me with techno babble and mesmerize me with large, blue eyes lit up with excitement and intelligence. I don't want to see anyone else smile, because no one can smile like Carter. No voice is sexier, no hair as touchable, no body as alluring as Carter's. And if I'm not a fool in love, then the Goa'uld are not snakes and the Replicators are just Legos.
Daniel's Journal – Entry 82
A Colonel Simmons from the NID has descended on the SGC and is pushing General Hammond to test the weapon on Velona. Sam is warning them that it is not a good idea, but no one is listening. General Hammond has given her some time to investigate and prove to Simmons why they should not test it. But the frantic look in Sam's eyes tells me that there is more to the story, and she's not sharing.
Something has been going on with my friend lately. I've tried to come and visit her a number of times during the last two weeks, and she's given me every excuse in the book to prevent me from coming to see her. She has also been particularly perky and smiley during the last few days. It almost seems like a burden has been lifted from her shoulders.
I suspect she's dating someone, and I think Jack suspects the same thing. He has been grumpier and gloomier than usual, and I've caught him staring at Sam with a dark look in his eyes when he thinks no one is watching. I asked Janet if she knew anything about Sam's love life, and she said that, as far as she knew, Sam wasn't dating anyone. She has been, however, going home at a regular time every evening, which by itself is a red flag.
Whatever it is, I'm sure we'll find out sooner or later. For now, she is determined to stop the test on Velona.
Sam's Journal - Entry 72
Orlin is gone. He… died, I guess. That's one way to look at it. The point is that he's no longer in my home, no longer in my bed, and no longer in my life. I will never see him or hear him again. I will never again feel the serenity that he so freely offered. I will never see those soft, blue eyes gazing at me with complete openness and understanding as I drift away to sleep at night.
He sacrificed himself for us. He didn't want us to suffer what the inhabitants of Velona suffered. And he saved our lives when he took the naquadah generator away. Did he cease to exist when the device exploded? Did he suffer? Did he feel pain?
I had a small taste of what a real, loving relationship can be. And it was taken away so soon! I'm ashamed to say that, even though he gave me so much during such a short time, I can't say that I fell in love with him. I did love him, in a way. I felt deep fondness and tenderness for him, as well as gratefulness for how he made me feel. And I enjoyed making love with him. Who would not? He was so patient, gentle and loving! But I did not feel for him what I know I'm capable of feeling. I know… because I feel that way for someone else.
It scares me to think that maybe I'm not capable of loving anyone else like that. I'm afraid that maybe I'm stuck with this situation forever and that I won't have a chance at a fulfilling love life with anyone. Is it possible that one of the few men unattainable to me is also the only one who can provoke the feelings of love and passion that I feel when I dream about him? As pleasurable and comforting as it was to make love with Orlin, it could not compare to the excitement and total abandon I felt when Jack and I kissed on P4X-234. And it could never compare with the complete bliss I felt when I though he was Jonah and I was Thera.
I guess I should feel lucky for what I had with Orlin, as short-lived as it was. It did bring me a sense of peace that I was missing, and he made me think about my feelings for Jack in a different way. He said not to feel sorry for loving him. And I guess I don't anymore. But it is just as hopeless as it ever was.
I miss you, Orlin. I miss your presence in my life. I miss the peace you so selflessly offered. I hope you have found companionship where you are, wherever you are.
Daniel's Journal – Entry 83
Now we know the whole story. Sam had been living with an alien, Orlin, who seems to be of the same race as Oma Desala. And now we suspect that this race is none other than the gate builders. Otherwise, how could Orlin have built a mini-gate so easily, and not even using naquadah? If the NID had not stuck their noses where they didn't belong, Sam might have been successful at finding out a lot more information.
Colonel Simmons left in a fury after he failed at capturing the alien. He was especially furious at Sam and tried to bring her up on charges of treason, but Jack and General Hammond defended her. So he didn't succeed at even having a reprimand put in her file. The truth is that she did everything she could to convince us of the alien presence, and we didn't believe her.
Sam is depressed and worried about Orlin. She thinks that he may have died. I tried to explain to her what I believe Oma Desala is. If I'm right, I don't think Orlin can die. He is energy now, and hopefully no longer a lonely being, as he used to be before he took human form again. He has Sam to thank for that. If he hadn't fallen for her, he would still be that lonely blob of energy floating on Velona. If what Sam says is true, and the others gave him another chance, then he's no longer alone.
I think I succeeded in giving Sam some hope that Orlin is all right. Jack, on the other hand, is even grumpier and gloomier after reading Sam's report. Although he apologized to her for not believing her story and thinking she had lost her mind, he seems upset at her for having kept so much from him. He denies it, of course, but I think I'm right.
Anyway, I told him to stop being so darn selfish and be glad that Sam is all right, thanks to Orlin. He said he was, and he insisted that he's okay with Sam's decisions. Maybe Sam believes him, but I don't.
Jack's Journal – Entry 64
Carter is all right, and that's all that matters. She could have died in Velona, and she didn't. I should be relieved and happy. Why is it then that I feel so angry? I know I'm not angry with her. When I look at her I feel like going down on my knees and thanking all the gods for her still being with us.
I guess I'm just plain jealous. I knew there was a man in Carter's life. I could feel it in my gut. But I never thought that that man would be the alien we thought she had been fantasizing about. Her "fantasy" turned out to be a paragon of virtue, if her report is to be believed. And he lived with her for almost three weeks.
I'm not a naïve man or an idiot. Virtuous or not, he was a healthy male, and I know what healthy males feel when they see Carter. I don't have to have it spelled out to me to know that she was intimate with him. She didn't come out and write this in her report, but she gave enough information to let us form our own conclusions. General Hammond, being the gentleman he is, decided not to dig into the matter and ask for more detailed information. I, being the coward I am, agreed with him.
I get it, Carter. I get it. And I do hope you find some happiness, even if it isn't with me. I love you enough to sincerely want that for you, even if it breaks my heart.
Sam's Journal - Entry 75
Janet is beside herself with worry, and so am I. Cassie is slipping through our fingers and we can't seem to figure out how to help her. The strangest things are happening to her, and we suspect it has to do with Nirrti's experiments on Hanka. It always goes back to the evil Goa'uld.
From what we found on the planet, we think that Nirrti was trying to engineer the perfect host — a hok'taur. She was manipulating the genetics of the population without their knowledge, and Cassie may die as a result, all these years later. She just turned 16, and she may be leaving us already. As much as I will miss her and mourn her, I am more worried about what this would do to Janet.
Jack's Journal – Entry 66
That bitch Goa'uld is loose, and something tells me that we'll be dealing with her again. She's determined to build herself the perfect host, and I don't think anything the Goa'uld or we do will convince her to stop.
Carter was furious when she realized that the standard TER sweeps of the gate room were not working properly. Nobody had noticed. Who knows how long these gadgets were on the blink. Now she's working hard at some kind of diagnostic program to test them regularly. It took Nirrti's presence on the base to alert us to the fact that the Tok'ra doohickeys were not doing their job. At least the hand-held ones worked fine and helped us to find the sneaky bitch.
The important thing is that Cassie is now okay, and we won't be dealing with two grieving teammates, Carter and Doc Fraiser. I guess we would all be grieving, but those two are the girl's adoptive mothers, and her death would have crippled them.
Sam's Journal - Entry 76
Janet is weak with relief. I'm sure the lack of sleep over the past few days has a lot to do with it, but she's too happy to acknowledge the fact that she needs to rest. Even when General Hammond regretfully told her that he had to put a formal reprimand on her file — due to her actions while trying to save Cassie — she didn't care. She just smiled at him and said, "Thank you, Sir," and turned back to her daughter.
I couldn't help but chuckle at this, and he also smiled, bewildered but relieved. Cassie was all teary-eyed and hanging on to her mom. She begged Janet's forgiveness for her behavior during her illness. She assured my friend that she loved her and needed her, and that she had not meant to reject her. Janet attributed her behavior to her illness and just held on to her daughter, soothing her and kissing her like a little girl while Cassie wept on her shoulder.
I'm sure Cassie's illness had a lot to do with her previous attitude, but I think this lesson will teach our "daughter" to be more appreciative of her adoptive mom and what she's willing to do for her.
I took the time to go see General Hammond later at his office, and I thanked him for choosing Cassie's life over holding Nirrti here as a prisoner. I hugged him, unable to help myself, and he hugged me back, one of those moments when I can tell he is my dad's friend more than my commander. He assured me that letting Cassie die never crossed his mind.
Later, Colonel O'Neill came to see me at my lab. He wanted to know how I was holding up. I guess the fact that I had not gotten too much sleep over the past few days, just like Janet, did not go unnoticed. It reminded me of what Cassie said about him, about him pretending not to be as smart as he really is. She has no idea how accurate her assessment is. He is not only extremely smart. He's also incredibly perceptive. He notices everything. I, of course, told him that I was fine and relieved that Cassie would be okay. He smiled and nodded, then turned around and left.
Our conversations are like this lately. A lot is left unsaid, but we know what we are thinking. We both acknowledge it, we both understand, and we accept the silent communication as a necessary tool to deal with each other. He wanted to let me know that he had been worried about me, and that he was here for me. I let him know that I knew, and that I was grateful for his support. No words, just looks, nods and smiles. That's all it takes nowadays.
Daniel's Journal – Entry 85
I just had an interesting conversation with Teal'c. We were talking about the events of the past few days and the fact that we let Nirrti go in exchange for Cassie's life. Teal'c still thinks that we made a mistake. He believes that we will meet that particular Goa'uld again, and that our decision will cost many lives.
I understand his point of view. He sacrificed his family life, leaving his young son behind to be raised by the boy's mother and Bra'tac so that he could continue the fight against the Goa'uld. He views the needs of the many as much more important than the needs of the few. But what he fails to realize, and I tried to explain to him, is the impact that Cassie's death would have had on so many people, effectively crippling our efforts in the long run.
Both Janet and Sam would have been devastated beyond words. Janet has no other family. This adoptive daughter is all she has, and I know that her loss would have been insurmountable. Sam also views Cassie as a daughter, maybe the only one she'll ever have. Losing Cassie in such a way would have probably affected her in a very adverse way, making her lose focus and perspective in the field, something that might prove to be fatal.
As cold and hard as Jack seems to be, I know better. I reminded Teal'c about Jack's son and what had happened to him, about losing our alien little Charlie to the Tok'ra, and that Cassie has a special place in Jack's heart. How much loss can one man take? Wouldn't Cassie's death also potentially cause our leader to make a mistake on the field? And what could that mean to the rest of the team?
I don't even want to think of what would happen to the SGC and our fight against the Goa'uld if we lost both Jack and Sam, not to mention Janet, who has always been brilliantly resourceful when faced with new and seemingly impossible obstacles as a physician. What impact would the loss of one young life could potentially have? Even General Hammond would be impacted. I know for a fact that he is deeply fond of the girl, and that he always asks about her. He probably feels for her much as he feels about his two granddaughters.
Teal'c did not comment further, but he seemed to ponder on what I said. He just remained silent and nodded. I chose to take this as a sign that he accepts the possibility that things are not as black and white as he seems to believe.
Excerpts of Daniel's Journal – Entry 86
We liberated the Unas. Chaka chose to remain on the planet that enslaved him, as a chosen leader of his people. I shudder to think of what we have unleashed. There will be more struggle and death, of that I'm sure. The conflict between the former masters and their newly liberated slaves will continue for a long time. But I hope that it will eventually end and that both races will learn to live together in peace and understanding. Earth has proven time and again that, although difficult and sometimes bloody, it is quite possible.
Jack's Journal – Entry 67
We've stumbled over our friends the Ruskies, and we've gathered that they are probably trapped inside an old temple. They are probably dead, given that they have been there for quite a few months, since before the Russian gate was closed up for good. Now we have to "partner" with a Russian team and go looking for them. This is going to be a pain in the ass, but I've been ordered to make it work.
I was in an even worse mood until Carter made it a point to stop by my office and have a "chat" with me. She encouraged me to be open-minded and give the Russians a chance to prove themselves. She reminded me of how well we worked with Svetlana, her pen pal. I wasn't sold and I still wish they would just pack up and go home, but with Carter taking the trouble to address my discomfort with the Russian team, I couldn't continue to be obtuse. I know she's right; I just don't like it anyway.
I do like, however, having her come around and talk with me. We don't do enough of that lately. Even when I stop by her office to just watch her work while I play with my yo-yo, we tend to be silent most of the time. If it weren't for the look of disappointment and regret that I always catch when I finally get up to leave, I would believe that she doesn't like to have me there anymore. But those eyes still tell me that she does. So I still go. Just being with her, silence notwithstanding, makes me feel better.
Excerpts of Daniel's Journal – Entry 87
Marduk survived 4,000 years in that tomb, in the body of an alien creature, only to be killed within hours of meeting SG-1. No wonder we are the Goa'uld's least favorite people. We prevailed again, but we lost many lives in the process. Of the Russian team, only an injured Lieutenant Tolinev survived. It's a good thing that at least one Russian survived to corroborate our story, or the demise of the team might have caused some serious international problems.
Colonel Zukhov proved to be an adept leader in the end, and even died trying to fulfill his mission. He reminded me of Jack in a way, really tough, stubborn, and extremely driven. I understand their General's anger at the loss of his first SGC Russian team.
I can't help but wonder what powers the Eye of Tiamat held. Why was Marduk so obsessed with it? It must have been extremely important to his survival. In any case, it's under tons of rubble now, and it will remain there forever, so we will never know.
Sam's Journal - Entry 77
Narim's warning about Earth being in danger has left us quite shaken. Omac's comments to Narim may have arisen from his belief that offering Tollan technology to Earth would be to our detriment, as Narim believes, but somehow I don't think so. I think there's something else going on. Ja… Colonel O'Neill believes so as well. So we are to proceed with caution.
Colonel O'Neill came to visit me at my lab early today to chat about our impending negotiations with Tollana. At least that was his excuse. Very soon the conversation centered on Narim. His innocent questions about my "friendship" with our Tollan ally clearly indicated he wanted to know if I had feelings for him. When I realized this, I couldn't help it. I started to get angry.
I realize that Colonel O'Neill is probably uncomfortable with the idea of me having a relationship with a Tollan… or any other man. I know it would hurt me to know that he's having a relationship with another woman. But this is exactly what we should be doing, and making each other feel guilty about it is detrimental to both of us. We can't have each other, so why not try to find some measure of happiness somewhere else?
I think he realized that he had upset me, because he quite suddenly changed the subject back to our strategy once we are in Tollana. Once he left, I felt the need to write in my journal and figure out exactly what my feelings are for Narim, if any. I have to admit that I haven't given him much thought for a long time.
Do I like him as a person? Yes. Do I still find him attractive as a man? Definitely. He's very handsome. Do I feel even the slightest desire to pursue a relationship with him? No. It's that simple. I don't have feelings other than friendship for him. What the heck! HE may not be interested after all these years anyway. Which would frankly be a relief.
Jack's Journal – Entry 68
General Hammond wants us to negotiate for all the cannons we need in exchange for the trinium the Tollans want. Daniel doesn't think this will fly, and neither does Carter. My gut, however, tells me there's a lot more going on than simple negotiations here. In any case, we'll be taking the opportunity to look into Narim's concerns and find out whether we are truly in danger or not.
I don't know whether to laugh or rant about Carter's comment about Narim when we had our last chat about him. She seems to believe that the guy is only interested in friendship with her. I think that's a load of bull, even if she tries to believe it herself. I could tell, from the first look the Tollan gave Carter when we arrived for Omac's funeral, that the guy is head over heels in love with her. And I can't believe that Carter didn't see it as well.
Not that I can blame the guy, but he must realize how a relationship with a "primitive" alien like Carter, her brains notwithstanding, would be impossible. Just the logistics of being able to see each other enough to maintain a relationship are a major obstacle. After all, Carter is really busy with missions, with little down time at all. I'm sure Narim is busy with government business as well. And the Tollans may not allow him to court her anyway.
And I can see that I have been trying to convince myself here why Narim and Carter should not have a relationship, when it really should be none of my business. I should, in fact, be trying to encourage her to pursue a love life with someone else. But I taste bile in my mouth every time I even think about it.
Excerpts of Daniel's Journal – Entry 88
We were barely able to escape Tollana, and Narim's last transmission seems to indicate that they may not have survived. Although I'm glad that we averted Earth's destruction through the Tollans, it also makes me feel terrible that they had to succumb to the Goa'uld to help us.
Jack said they did the only thing any civilized and "enlightened" race should do. The Curia obviously did not agree with him, but Narim did. It was only due to his help that we were able to survive. And I do think that his feelings for Sam had a lot to do with his thinking. Otherwise, the survival of his people may have tipped the balance on that one.
Teal'c agrees with me. He told me about Sam's voice in Narim's home's automated services system. He also told me that Sam did not seem interested in a relationship with our Tollan friend. I finally felt compelled to share the fact that she and Narim kissed during that first meeting years ago, and that they had seemed quite taken with each other. Teal'c did not seem surprised, and made one of his insightful comments: "At the time, Major Carter's heart was not burdened with insurmountable goals, as it is now." I thought he meant that now her heart and soul are focused in our fight with the Goa'uld. But then I realized that he was probably referring to her feelings for Jack. Insurmountable, indeed!
I just wish she didn't look so depressed over the Tollans' fate. Although I know she's upset for the loss of the whole civilization, as I am, I think Jack is choosing to believe that she's upset about losing Narim.
Sam's Journal - Entry 78
Earth survived at the expense of another world, and it just doesn't seem right. I know that we are not at fault. I know that we did what we had to in order to protect our world, just as The Curia was trying to protect theirs. But it still seems wrong.
I also mourn Narim's loss. He was a good man. He was wise, honest, gentle, and caring. He was a complete gentleman. The galaxy lost much when it lost the Tollan. But I think humanity lost even more when we lost Narim.
Jack's Journal – Entry 69
Teal'c is kelnoreeming his ass out. I understand why. We had hoped that Tanith had been killed when Carter blew up that sun and we got rid of Apophis. But he somehow survived and is alive and well, creating havoc at the beck and call of a yet unnamed System Lord. They destroyed Tollana… and probably killed Narim.
I actually feel bad about that. Even though I wasn't thrilled about his feelings for Carter, I did like the guy. He was a good man, and he did what was right, even at the expense of his own planet. You got to admire him for that alone.
Carter is in the dumps about it. She was on the verge of tears when we finished listening to his last transmission, but she held herself together. I wonder whether she's crying into her pillow at home as I write these few lines. Knowing that she might does not make me feel jealous. On the contrary, I sympathize and wish I could help her grieve.
Maybe I'm closer than I thought to actually being able to put her happiness first. I can honestly say that, if bringing back Narim for her to have a relationship with would make that look of distress disappear from her gorgeous face, I would not hesitate to do so.
Excerpts of Daniel's Journal – Entry 89
We finally found what we have been looking for! The Aschen are the answer to our prayers. Even Jack is happy! They seem to be everything we ever wished for. They are extremely advanced, open to share technology, quite easy to deal with — if you can do without a sense of humor — and completely unafraid of the Goa'uld.
During today's lecture, given by Sam, I could tell that the level of optimism at the SGC has risen several points. Jack was in a great mood, actually joking with our new Ambassador to the Aschen, Joseph Faxon. Sam was smiling even more than usual, Teal'c was perkier (especially after the few gloomy weeks following the Tollan's destruction and Tanith's hand in it), and General Hammond had a spring to his step that I had not seen in a lot of years.
But what really left me with my mouth hanging open today was realizing that Jack is actually encouraging Sam to flirt with the Ambassador, whom we could tell is quite smitten with her. When she offered to show him around and they made plans to lunch together — despite the fact that the four of us had already agreed to eat together — her eyes strayed to Jack, and he actually gave her a nod and a smile. She acted like she didn't notice, but I'm sure she did.
Jack's Journal – Entry 70
Okay, I was actually being positive about these aliens until our first negotiation meeting. Now suspicion's ugly head is up and awake, telling us that something is not quite right with our new friends. They are hiding something, we can tell. We just wish we knew what.
Daniel seems to have uncovered something and is buried in his office, doing research. General Hammond looks worried and even a little depressed. Teal'c and I are just wary and suspicious, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Carter, on the other hand, is just busy flirting with Ambassador Faxon. You'd think she'd have more to do; but to be fair, she's done her part already.
As she does with any new healthy male we meet, Carter has made an impression on the ambassador. The difference this time is that she's also impressed. I can tell she actually enjoys the man's interest. Where she's normally flustered and embarrassed by her impact on the male population, she actually seems to come alive with this guy's attention. I don't know why. He's not that outstanding, in my opinion. But who am I to know?
I have to admit it hurts. There is something heavy and asphyxiating in my chest as I watch the two of them together. But I'm trying to be fair to her and let her enjoy her new, budding relationship, as she should. She deserves a good guy. No one will ever be good enough for Carter, in my opinion, not even myself. But this guy is actually pretty nice.
Daniel's Journal – Entry 90
Sam is hurt. And I don't mean just physically. Today's events dealt her multiple blows. Not only did she have to make a horribly difficult decision and leave Ambassador Faxon behind on the Volian planet, but she also had to face an irate Senator Kinsey upon her arrival at the SGC. It's a good thing that Jack was there. He stepped in and defended her, of course, and I could tell that he was ready to punch the Senator if he didn't back off, which he wisely did.
To top it all, she and I overheard a hushed conversation between two SF's as we settled in for a light snack. We had just left the infirmary. Sam's shoulder is busted and her arm is in a sling, so we chose an out of the way table in one of the corners of the mess hall. The acoustics in that place are weird. Despite these two men being several tables away from us, we could hear them clearly from that corner. Note to ourselves: never sit in that particular corner again.
"The woman is a black widow, man. I wouldn't recommend it," one of them said, clearly trying to discourage his friend from his obvious interest in mine.
"What do you mean?" the other one answered.
"This is the fourth admirer that bites the dust! Getting involved with her means you're risking your neck."
"You've got to be kidding me! If you're interested in her, just say so, man. I'll leave her to you if you want."
"Oooh, no, thanks! She's a bombshell, all right! But I don't have a death wish. Don't believe me at your own risk. You can check with the rest of the base if you want. Everybody knows about it."
"What's the story?" the other one asked, clearly wary now.
"Well, the first one to croak was the Tok'ra guy, her ex-lover… or was it her snake's? I'm not sure, but she shot him herself. The second one was an alien guy that actually lived with her. He only lasted a few weeks. Then the Tollan guy that had fallen for her years back died on his planet, right after one of her visits. I'm not sure what the story there is, but I know she had some kind of relationship with him. And then today, the Ambassador was left behind with the Aschen. Somebody should have warned HIM that flirting with Major Carter was detrimental to his health. Oh, well… now he knows."
"Shit! I didn't know…" the other guy answered. By that time, Sam was standing up and fleeing the mess hall. I threw the two men the most hostile look I'm capable of, and rushed after her. I couldn't tell whether she was furious or distressed. Maybe she was both. But she didn't even slow down as I chased her all the way to the locker room. She slammed the door in my face and wouldn't open up. Then Jack showed up, ready to go home.
I had to tell him what had happened. I couldn't keep it from him, not given Sam's emotional state. I was just finished telling him about the two SF's conversation when the door opened and she stepped out, dressed in jeans and with a bag over her good shoulder. Her eyes were teary and red, and she froze when she saw us standing in the hallway. I know she realized that I had shared what had happened with Jack, and the look of betrayal on her face made me feel like an eel. I shouted after her as she turned and ran, but Jack prevented me from following her. "She needs space right now, Daniel. Let her go," he said calmly.
I argued with him. She needs her friends right now, not to be alone. He disagreed. He said that she was feeling humiliated and that she needed to be alone for a while. Then he promised that he'd check up on her later tonight. I almost said not to bother, that I would do that. But then I thought that maybe Jack would be most effective today. After all, if there's proof that she's not a black widow, then Jack is it. He's been in love with her for years, after all. And he's still around, beating the odds at every turn.
Sam's Journal - Entry 79
I've never been so humiliated in my life! Not only am I possibly a lesbian or frigid, as I'm aware the base's grapevine claims. I'm now a black widow, too! God! I haven't had a real relationship in years, and I still manage to kill my lovers! How is that possible?
And Daniel told Colonel O'Neill! I couldn't believe it! He told him, only minutes after we heard that conversation. I guess the bit of gossip was too good to pass up! If I could just stop crying I would call him and yell at him!
I had to leave the Ambassador behind, I know! I had no choice. So why do I still feel so guilty about it? He was such a nice guy… so gentle and intelligent. He had made me feel special. And I left him behind!
Crap! Someone's at the door! I bet it's Daniel. My chance is here. I have a few choice words for him!
Sam's Journal - Entry 80
I woke up to find Colonel O'Neill gone, and his smell still on the couch, where he had been sitting next to me. I laid there for the rest of the night, enjoying that little bit of him, which is all I can have.
He was so good to me! I had never realized how sensitive and gentle he could be. I knew he had that potential in him. I had seen it when he dealt with children. But I never thought he could be like that with an adult… with me.
I was a basket case when I opened the door to find him standing there last evening, looking so tall and handsome. I thought it was Daniel, and I was ready to chew him out. So I froze when I realized it was my CO, and I couldn't move… I couldn't talk. I just stood there like an idiot, with slow tears running down my face, barefoot and cold.
He didn't say anything. He just looked at me with sympathy for a few moments; then he stepped in and slowly closed the door. I automatically backed away and leaned on the wall for support. I. Just. Couldn't. Stop. Crying! I had never been so embarrassed in my life, or so tongue-tied. I couldn't even look up at him. I just continued to cry.
He took my good hand and gently pulled me along until we both reached my couch. Then he sat down and pulled me down to sit next to him. His arm circled my shoulders and his other one came around to hug me to his chest. Then the floodgates opened and I openly sobbed. I wept like a baby on his t-shirt, for I don't know how long. And he never said a word.
I was just delighted to be in his arms, so strong and solid around me. I hugged him back with all the strength my injured shoulder allowed. But I didn't dare say anything either. I just remember my tears slowing down, my shaking subsiding, and getting very sleepy. My last thought was that, if being called a black widow got me this, then I could hear that particular, nasty nickname every day… for the rest of my life.
Jack's Journal – Entry 71
I left Carter asleep on her couch last night. I felt my work, the little bit I could do, was done. And as hard as it was, I disentangled her arms from around my chest, laid her down as gently as I could, and I left. She never said anything. And I didn't either. There was nothing to say. What could I say that she didn't already know?
The grapevine is normally humorous and harmless, but occasionally it can be bitingly cruel. Everybody knows there is almost no truth to it. People participate in it for fun. They try to escape into a world of fantasy and banter whenever possible. And how can you blame them? Considering what we have to deal with, it's the least they can be allowed… a little bit of distraction.
I've heard rumors about Carter before. Very few, since people are very careful about what they say about my team around me. But the occasional whisper will reach my ears, especially when I'm in a bathroom stall and people are careless. I knew some men joke about her sexual orientation. Others insist that she must be frigid. And everyone knows both things aren't true. It's the classic case of "green grapes". You can't have them, so you might as well believe that they're no good.
And as far as the Ambassador goes, she had no choice but to do as she did. She knows that, too. She just has to learn to live with the things we are forced to do, like them or not. I know that the guy understood. She herself told us that he encouraged her to go and leave him. He was smart enough to recognize what was at stake. He was a good guy… but still not good enough for her.
The only truth is that Carter is too good for any of us. She's too nice, too smart, and too beautiful. But I couldn't say these things to her because, to begin with, she'd never believe them. And if I started to tell her what I really think about her, I wouldn't be able to stop myself from showing her HOW I feel about her. So I say nothing. I just make sure I'm there for her whenever she needs me.
Daniel's Journal – Entry 91
Sam is missing! She's been missing since Saturday, and today is Monday. I feel like the worst friend in the whole world. How could our friend be missing for two days and us not know?
Jack found out that she had been taken from her workout club's parking lot. She was kidnapped in the very light of day by a group of guys in a van.
I know he's desperate. I know this because he asked me to help him contact that worm, Harry Maybourne, to help him find Sam. He thinks that the NID may be involved. I just hope that we can find her soon! I hate to think what they could be doing to her already.
Jack's Journal – Entry 72
Carter has been gone for almost four days, and Maybourne says he knows nothing. Colonel Simmons denies having any involvement in her capture, of course. He points the finger back at Maybourne, and he might be right. The little cockroach received three million dollars not long ago. If I find out it was to sell Carter, I'll kill him with my bare hands.
Excerpts of Daniel's Journal – Entry 92
Sam is safe. We were able to get to her in time, but Jack was injured. He was shot by Maybourne… we think. He's going to be all right, but he's rightfully furious at the "little weasel", as he calls him.
The guy disappeared again, and so did Conrad, possessed by a Goa'uld. He killed his lover and ran. We still don't know how he got away. But the important part is that Sam is okay.
Sam's Journal - Entry 81
I'm back at home, but I don't feel safe. I hate to become paranoid, but I feel like I have to look over my shoulder whenever I'm outside. When I'm inside, I'm making sure that all the windows and doors are locked. I even considered installing a security system, even when I know that they are ultimately useless.
My team has been spending a lot of time with me. They haven't said so, but I think they realize that I need the company right now. They are trying to protect me, even if it is from my own fear. And I realize that this can't continue. So I proposed to them that we all exchange house keys, and that we check up on each other at least once per day when we are out of the base. I think it's the only way they're going to feel okay with leaving me by myself.
As much as I dread being alone, I realize that things have to go back to normal. They can't baby-sit me all the time. And I've always felt proud of the fact that I can take care of myself. Like the Colonel said, any one of us is vulnerable when alone, therefore the new protocols. If nothing else, they will make us feel better.
Jack's Journal – Entry 73
We found Carter in the nick of time. She was about to be killed. And blood freezes in my veins every time I remember that. I had never seen her so scared… or so glad to see me. Relieved is more accurate. If I had been two seconds later…
I can't believe that the little weasel shot me! What was the need? If I find out that he helped Conrad escape, I'm going to tear him apart with my own two hands! But, as pissed as I am with him, I am also deeply grateful. If it weren't for him, we wouldn't have gotten to Carter in time. She would be dead. So I guess I owe the guy, as much as that bothers me.
Now the issue is Carter's security. We always knew that she was potentially at risk due to her unique circumstances. But I never truly believed that the NID would dare to touch her. Now it's obvious that the NID are not the only ones we have to worry about.
I know she's afraid and feeling very vulnerable. But she's determined to continue on living in her own house. I suggested that she live at the base, like Teal'c does. She spends most of her time there anyway. But she adamantly refused. She likes having her house, and her car, and her bikes. She's too independent to be confined to base. And I knew that. But I had to suggest it because, to tell the truth, it would have made ME feel better knowing that she was safe.
Jack's Journal – Entry 74
Martin is back in our lives. I knew we'd be seeing him again, but not under these circumstances. We suspect he and his buddies are being picked up soon. A starship is approaching, and it seems to have the same energy signature as his now destroyed escape pod. I guess some of his people survived, after all.
Now that we've looked into it, it seems he didn't keep his mouth shut after all. What's worse, he's making a profit out of his classified knowledge. There is a show on TV based on the Stargate called "Wormhole Extreme." Very tacky! Carter and Daniel think it's hilarious, but I'm not laughing. Teal'c also seems amused, which I don't appreciate.
Anyway, we will be paying Martin a little visit. I've been appointed as the AF special advisor to the show, Teal'c will infiltrate the support crew as a kitchen aid, and Carter and Danny Boy will be visiting Martin's house to see what they can find out.
Excerpts of Daniel's Journal – Entry 93
We've found that Martin is being drugged. That's why he doesn't remember who he is or who we are. Given this, his alien friends must be the ones being picked up by the approaching ship. We lost the only guy we could track down, but Jack will be talking to Martin directly and try to make him remember. We don't have much time before the ship arrives.
I asked Jack if he was having fun as the show's AF advisor. He didn't think it was funny. He told me that his counterpart is this short, funny-looking guy that supposedly always gets the girls. Nothing farther from the truth, he said. I almost agreed with him, but I changed the subject instead.
Sam's Journal - Entry 82
Martin decided to remain on Earth. He's having a great time here, especially with his involvement with "Wormhole X-Treme." Tanner and the others were allowed to leave, and Agent Malcolm Barrett is not happy with Colonel O'Neill. He called General Hammond to complain, and I know that the General had a long conversation with the President about it.
I know why the Colonel let them go. For humanitarian reasons alone, how could we have hijacked their ship and forced those poor aliens to remain here? The Colonel argued that, if their technology were worth having, the Goa'uld wouldn't have beaten them to begin with. Their world is nothing but rubble, so I tend to agree with him. Besides, the Asgard are being more helpful in that area lately, and their technology is definitely superior. In one more year we should have our own space-faring ship. I've been asked to work part-time on a lot of the systems, and it has kept me quite busy.
Anyway, I hope that Wormhole X-Treme makes it. It really is a funny show!
Sam's Journal - Entry 83
I'm exhausted, but I feel like writing today. I'm unusually happy and lighthearted. We finished the testing of our newest recruits this evening. It was a grueling day for them, and for us, I have to admit. I am, however, very excited and pleasantly surprised by the caliber of our new officers.
We already knew that Lt. Hailey would make the cut, that's why she was our mole in the training exercise. But Lt. Elliot and the rest of the team had to prove themselves. Jac… Colonel O'Neill is recommending that Elliot join SG-17 in the currently open position, and the rest of the team will fill openings as they become available. They deserve it. They really did very well today.
As hard as Colonel O'Neill was on them, I could tell he was impressed. He makes fun of Hailey and her size, but I know he admires her toughness and brains. And he won't admit it, but Elliot is a lot like my CO must have been like at that age. Maybe that's why he was being so hard on him. The poor guy's only fault was that he very obviously suffers from a severe case of hero worship for our CO. Lt. Satterfield, on the other hand, is smitten with Daniel.
Today was fun. It's nice to do something different every once in a while. Colonel O'Neill says he doesn't like training the new recruits, but I think he's lying through his teeth. He delights in making their lives miserable, and is blatantly proud of our people. He just has to complain because that's what he thinks we expect him to do.
Jack's Journal – Entry 75
Our buddy, Teal'c, is trapped in the Stargate system. Sam assures us that his pattern is still there, and Siler and his team have already adjusted the iris, "burying" the gate and preventing anyone from dialing in. If they did, Teal'c's pattern would be lost.
A Doctor McKay is here now, working with Carter on the problem. He came with Colonel Simmons, a man with an unhealthy interest in the SGC. The NID has never been anything but bad news, but we have to open our doors to them, per Presidential orders.
Carter hates McKay. She says he's arrogant and abrasive, and I have to agree with her. But I wonder if she's noticed that the man lusts after her. I can see his eyes widen and focus every time he looks at her. Those beady eyes also follow her every move. But that's okay. I know that Carter can handle him.
In the meantime, Maybourne, the little weasel, showed up again. He insists that Simmons is hiding Conrad and the Goa'uld. So we're about to do a little investigating of our own. He says he didn't shoot me, and I guess I believe him. It was probably Simmons, if what Maybourne says is right. We'll be finding out soon.
Sam's Journal - Entry 84
I hate McKay! I've never been so infuriated by anyone before! He is smart and knowledgeable, I admit, but he challenges everything I say and is blatantly harassing me at every turn. He keeps looking at my breasts and my butt and makes sexist remarks every chance he gets. If I weren't so controlled, I would have decked him already.
We disagree on what we can or can't do with the Stargate. And the fact that I have a lot more experience with it than he does, does not seem to make a difference to him. To top it all, he gives up Teal'c as lost, something I'm not ready to do.
I have to go back to work, but I just had to vent. I do feel better now.
Excerpts of Daniel's Journal – Entry 94
The Russians are playing hardball. They know we're desperate for the Dialing Device, so they will try to extract from us a lot in return. If they would just come out and tell us what they really want, things would be much easier. Sam tells me that Svetlana assures her that they are not interested in having a Stargate Program. They have weighed the risks and cost against the possible benefits, and they have decided against it. Svetlana is not happy, but we are.
I'm just glad Jack isn't here. He would have exploded and blown our chances for a deal already. Major Davis, in contrast, is the ultimate diplomat. I guess that's why he's our Pentagon liaison. But we're on the clock. Teal'c doesn't have much time. Sam warned me that his pattern degenerates the longer he's in the Stargate system. She sounded beat last time I talked to her, but I know that she's not going to give up. She said that Jack is off "somewhere" looking into "something" she obviously wasn't at liberty to share yet. I wonder what it is.
Sam's Journal - Entry 85
The crisis is over, and Teal'c survived. Despite what McKay predicted and all the obstacles in our way, we were able to reintegrate our friend's pattern and retrieve him from the wormhole intact. The look on his face was priceless when he emerged from the puddle to find everyone in the embarkation room staring up at him and the dialing device exploding. We were looking at him as if he were a ghost. He didn't realize that he was very close to becoming just that.
Colonel O'Neill saved the say, as usual. Thanks to the information he retrieved from Conrad, we were able to figure out how to help Teal'c. The Russian Dialing Device is history, but it did its work. We have Daniel to thank for that part. It was of no use to the Russians anyway. They've decided not to have a Stargate Program and are happy with the concessions they got from us. Svetlana had predicted that this would happen, and she was right.
We are all relieved that Teal'c is safe, and I'm even more relieved that McKay will be very, very far away, working with the Russians. I hope they send him to Siberia! That's the least he deserves.
Jack's Journal – Entry 76
The big guy is okay (he assures me there are no missing parts), Carter is feeling vindicated and outright smug, and we found the missing Conrad and his symbiote, proving that Colonel Simmons is dirty. He has been arrested, Harry Maybourne actually proved to be a valuable ally, and McKay has been shipped out somewhere very, very cold, we hope.
But the best part is that Teal'c got his revenge on Tanith. He assures me that he destroyed his ship. Never mind that our friend almost got killed, too. He's happier than I have seen him in a long, long time. And this alone is cause for celebration.
Daniel's Journal – Entry 95
The Tok'ra are back and asking for our cooperation in a major mission. Actually, they're asking for MY cooperation, since I'm the only human fluent in Goa'uld. They want to strike the System Lords all at once by poisoning them at a meeting. This is going to be happening very soon, so I don't have a lot of time to prepare.
It does make me feel better that Sam's dad will be my partner in this mission. In the absence of my team, he's the next best thing. The Tok'ra have adapted the Reole chemical to be used via a prick in the skin. Our friend, Tyler (his real name is impossible to even remember), came through for us a while back and gave us enough samples of the chemical for us to work with. He didn't even ask for anything in return. He said that his people would be burying their gate and hope that the Goa'uld never find them, so we won't be seeing these allies again.
Anyway, with this chemical, I'm supposed to replace Jarren, Yu's personal slave. If this doesn't work, this will be the last mission I'll ever undertake. Strangely, the danger of the mission only makes me feel more eager to go.
Sam's Journal - Entry 86
We made it out of Revanna, but not whole. We lost SG-17, including Lt. Elliot. The Goa'uld managed to destroy the Tok'ra base and many, many of our allies along with it. It breaks my heart to think of so many deaths, and of such a promising, young officer lost so soon. He reminded me of a young Colonel O'Neill in some ways. He had great potential, but now he's gone.
Lantash is also gone. And I feel the same pain I felt when I had to kill Martouf. Even the guilt is the same. This time Lantash sacrificed himself for us… for me. I feel this is true even though he assured us that he and Elliot would not survive anyway. Elliot told me that Lantash loved me, and that makes me wonder.
I also loved him. At least, the part of me that still belongs to Jolinar still feels for him as I felt for Martouf. The sense of loss is unbearable. The Tok'ra had kept Martouf's body in stasis for months, hoping that they could save Lantash. But they had run out of time and they had had to retrieve him, hoping to have enough time to blend him with a new host. It was his only chance for survival. And his desperate, last measure attempt to blend with a fatally injured Lt. Elliot only bought him a little time.
They died for us, but their plan worked. They managed to kill all the Jaffa that surrounded them, allowing us to escape. But I doubt that I will be escaping the nightmares. After I shot Martouf, I wasn't able to sleep for weeks. I would wake up every night with the taste of tears in my mouth and with the face of Martouf clear in my mind. Now it will be Elliot's face I wake up to, I know it.
Daniel and Dad survived, but their mission did not go as planned, either. The System Lords were not killed. What's worse, there is another one added to the mix. His name is Anubis, and he seems even more evil and powerful than the others. He has been allowed back after being banished for centuries. The only one that did not want to take him back was Yu.
Daniel tried to rescue Sarah, who was representing Anubis at the meeting as Osiris. He wasn't able to, and he and Dad barely escaped with their lives. Now my friend is depressed, my father is very worried about this new threat, and the rest of the base is mourning the loss of yet another team.
The only one that seems unaffected by all these catastrophes is Colonel O'Neill. He's probably as upset as the rest of us, but he hides it very well. When we were debriefing with General Hammond, at some points he would look at me and I could swear he looked almost… relieved. Of what, I don't know. This couldn't have been a more blown mission if we had tried to make it so.
Jack's Journal – Entry 77
There's another System Lord we have to worry about. His name is Anubis, and from what Daniel reports, he's very, very bad news. Sarah Gardner, Daniel's friend, is still possessed by Osiris and working for this new threat. Daniel is in the dumps for having failed at rescuing her. But from what it sounds like, he's lucky to have escaped at all.
The Space Monkey did it again. He's as slippery as a snail, but I worry that one of these days he's not going to get lucky. It almost seems as if he's TRYING to get killed. He shouldn't have tried to get to Osiris. He should have known how dangerous and difficult that was. And I told him so. I made him promise that he wouldn't attempt to do something like that without the backup of his team ever again. He just nodded, but I don't think he was even listening to me.
As angry as I am at losing SG-17, I can't help but feel relieved. Carter is alive. For a few, agonizing minutes, I thought we had lost her under all that Tok'ra rubble. The sound of her voice through the radio was the sweetest music to my ears. So sue me for being overly positive… I'm still glad we made it alive, and with some invaluable intelligence on the Goa'uld. And Carter is alive.
Excerpts of Daniel's Journal – Entry 96
I guess we're getting medals… again. The President and all the other "powers that be" are very happy with SG-1 after we managed to avoid the asteroid's collision with Earth. I guess sometimes you have to look at death straight in the face to really appreciate what you have. We've been on their black list sometimes, but we are back to getting invitations to the While House every time we manage to save Earth. How many times has it been? I wonder if Jack is keeping count.
Sam has a concussion, but other than that, we came out of this one unharmed. It was a close one, but we managed, thanks to another of her brilliant ideas. I overheard Jack teasing her on her way to the infirmary. He claimed that it was the blow to the head that made her come up with this latest plan, and she happily chuckled at his banter.
It's good to see them being relaxed and friendly with each other again. There are times when the pain of their situation obscures everything else. I wonder how long this reprieve will last before something happens and they are reminded of what they crave and can't have.
Jack's Journal – Entry 78
Teal'c is hurt, but alive. And once again I could see that the pull of his people is strong, enough to make him waver on his commitment to SG-1. And I guess I understand. Last time, when his former lover, Shau'nac, tempted him away from us, I was surprised. This time I was not. Not really. I was disappointed and worried, but not surprised.
Teal'c yearns for his people's freedom with an intensity I have never seen in anyone else. He believes in the strength of his race, and this is good. But this deeply emotional belief in his cause and his people blinds him to their weaknesses. And this was clear in the case of Kytano.
There was something about the guy that made all the warning whistles in my head blare. But I could not make the others see what I could see. I guess my difficulty with words made it impossible for me to explain properly.
Teal'c could have been killed. He's only alive because Yu let him live. And I think I know why. Yu is alone right now. He splintered away from the other System Lords when he voted against Anubis' return to the fold. And it's just a matter of time before the rest of his former cohorts turn against him and try to take over his territories. So allowing the Jaffa rebellion to thrive actually keeps the System Lords too busy to pay him any attention.
Carter agrees with me. While Teal'c was in the infirmary and we debriefed with General Hammond, she said that this was the only explanation as to why Yu would have allowed Teal'c to return and warn his fellow Jaffa. The mothership did not kill one single Jaffa during the attack. It was a show of force, but not intended to obliterate them.
Bra'tac agreed as well, and was deeply apologetic for his blind belief in who turned out to be another Goa'uld. But he is intent on having us try to have an alliance, now that he and Rak'nor will be in charge of the rebel Jaffa. Teal'c made it clear to his mentor that he intends to remain with us… for the time being.
Sam's Journal - Entry 87
I feel so sorry for Teal'c. He is deeply disappointed and embarrassed. When I came to the infirmary to visit he could hardly look me in the eye. I told him I was sorry that Kytano had turned out to be what he was. But to remember that he had been very good at deceiving us all, not just him.
"He never deceived O'Neill," was his response. And I had to agree. The Colonel has this sixth sense we all lack when dealing with people. He can see through them in an uncanny, very accurate way. And we all failed to remember this when he kept challenging Kytano. I said as much to Teal'c, and he just nodded. I know he's miserable right now, but he'll bounce back. We always do.
Now we're left with having to deal with relocating hundreds of rebel Jaffa and providing them with the most basic means for survival. Daniel and General Hammond are busy looking at possible locations, reasonably safe from the Goa'uld. The Colonel ordered me to rest since he wants me back tomorrow, bright and early, to work on the logistics of the relocation with him.
So I'm supposed to be sleeping, but the events of the past couple of days kept circling in my head. I have to try to purge them before I hit the pillow. Otherwise, I know what will follow. Another nightmare.
Daniel's Journal – Entry 97
Sometimes I hate Jack. Especially those times when he does something I loathe, and he proves to be right.
He killed Reese. He destroyed a little girl. Robot or not, body of a woman or not, that's all she was. We might have been able to convince her to destroy the Replicators invading the base and give us the key to their defeat. All she wanted was to be liked and to have fun. Just like any other little girl does. We could have used these feelings to get what we wanted, and still let her live.
But Jack says that she was too dangerous and that we couldn't take the chance. And now that I have thought about it for a while and I'm not so angry with him anymore, I see that he's right. Just like a little girl would, she could have destroyed us all in a fit of temper. It was too risky. But I still wish that she could have lived.
Daniel's Journal – Entry 98
Colonel Grieves and Lt. Kershaw are dead. They died trying to save the Latonans from the Goa'uld attack that they precipitated by killing The Caretaker. We all thought that The Sentinel was just a machine. But it was much more than that. The wondrous machine that protects Latona is nothing without the human life it must take in order to do its job.
This time Colonel Grieves became The Caretaker. He died, but by doing so, he atoned for his sins and earned redemption for himself and Lt. Kershaw. No life sentence or capital punishment would have gotten them that.
If you must die, you should die doing something important, something that gives those you love and leave behind something to hold on to when you're gone. They should feel that your life wasn't wasted. They should feel that your death was a small price to pay for what you accomplished. That's the way to go!
My guess is that every one of us, Jack, Sam, Teal'c and I, will go that way. We've been so close so many times. But I do hope that I'm the first one. I don't want to have to live through any more loss. I couldn't bear to see my Sam dead, the sister I never had and who has become more important to me than anyone else. Seeing such a beautiful person dead would be too painful to behold.
I couldn't bear to see Teal'c dead either. Such a rock of dignity, strength and purpose can't go before I do. He has too much to accomplish, and so many years still ahead of him, full of health and achievements. I know that someday he'll be a great leader of his people. Once the Jaffa are free, Teal'c will leave us and take his proper place in his world. But not before then.
And what would become of the rest of us if we lost Jack? He's our compass, our engine, and our lifeboat. We would be lost without him. When brawn is not enough, and when brains and resourcefulness have been given a try, there's always the magic that only Jack can do. We've come to rely on that. And that's why we'll follow wherever he leads. If he dies, we'll want to die with him.
Jack's Journal – Entry 79
Daniel went away with Oma. Despite of what Carter feels, I know he's not dead. He's just gone away. Maybe we'll never see him again, and we'll miss him, but he's not dead. He's gone on a journey, and knowing him, he'll have a blast discovering and experiencing new things that we can't even imagine.
Teal'c understands. He's almost happy for Daniel, although he admits that he'll also miss him. Teal'c's people aspire to reach Kheb. Isn't ascension the same thing? My buddy seems to believe it is. So he's happy and even a little envious of our young friend. The way I see it, it's better than dying in pain.
I'm grateful that I got to say goodbye. I was able to express, in words — which is extremely painful for me — what I thought of him before he left us. I wanted him to know. I thought I owed him that much.
Daniel gave up his life trying to save others. And I guess I always knew he'd leave with a bang. This one was a loud one. He saved millions of people when he stopped the naquadria explosion. Jonas Quinn is here to corroborate Daniel's side of the story. And he's also in awe of what our friend did. Because of Daniel, we also have the naquadria that Carter says we need so badly. A lot of good has come out of his sacrifice.
Quinn did the right thing. You have to admire the guy for doing what he did. He told the truth, stood up to his superiors, and then finally took action. He stole the naquadria to bring it to us. He can't go back to his world now. He'd be considered a traitor and probably be executed if he did. So he has sacrificed a lot as well, following Daniel's example.
Our Space Monkey had more lives than a cat. He should have been dead many times over. But he had always cheated death. This time I think is no different. He cheated death again. He's no longer with us, but he's somewhere else. And we'll miss him, more than we can even suspect right now.
Sam's Journal - Entry 88
We lost Daniel. After so many years and so many close calls, we finally, really lost him. He… ascended. That's what Colonel O'Neill and Teal'c say. They say that he's not really dead, but gone to another plane of existence where Daniel believed he could do more than in ours. Maybe they're right, but the bitter reality is that we don't have him here with us anymore. He's gone, like Orlin is gone, ascended or not.
I kept thinking that he would be all right. This belief kept me focused on the naquadria discovery and what it could mean to us. I kept thinking that Colonel O'Neill would find a way to help him. He had mentioned trying to find a sarcophagus. And then there was Dad. I thought for sure that he would be able to save our friend. I thought that he would succeed where I had failed. So I was devastated when I realized that Daniel wasn't going to make it. I couldn't believe or accept that he'd really be gone.
Janet and I wept for hours at her house last night. Poor Cassie wept, too. We'll all miss our friend terribly. What are we going to do without his morality and compassion on our team? We counted on him to be the one to ground us in our humanity when circumstances lured us away from who we are and what we believe in. Now we'll have to rely on his memory alone.
Colonel O'Neill approached me in my lab right after Daniel passed away. I was crying on Dad's shoulder, trying to get a hold of myself before I could even go to my locker and leave the base. I knew that Dad had to go back to the Tok'ra. He had to return to his mission. Janet had left right away. She didn't even change before she ran home. Teal'c had gone to his quarters to kelnorim. And General Hammond had locked himself in his office. We were all dealing with our pain in private, in our own way. But Colonel O'Neill came to me.
Dad excused himself and left shortly after the Colonel showed up. He whispered something to my CO before he turned around and sent me a parting kiss. I still don't know what it was, but my Colonel just nodded and said goodbye to Dad, then turned to me.
I didn't know what to do. I wanted him to hold me. I wanted someone to comfort me, just like Dad had been doing when the Colonel showed up. But I just sat on my stool with my head lowered and continued to cry. Then he spoke, but the words I heard were not what I had expected. "He's not really dead, you know," he said.
When I just looked at him with what I'm sure was a flabbergasted expression on my face, he came to my side and put his hand on my shoulder. "He. Is. Not. Dead!" he repeated. I just continued to stare at him, starting to get angry. But he continued. "He said he could do more as an ascended being. He could have stayed, but he chose to go. He did what he wanted. We'll miss him, but he's all right."
I kind of lost it. "HE'S GONE!" was all I could say, and then I tried to run. I needed to get out. I couldn't stand to argue about semantics with Colonel O'Neill. I didn't want to philosophize about metaphysics. I wanted to mourn my friend. But he stopped me. His large hand held on to my arm and turned me around so roughly that I lost my balance and fell against him. And he took advantage of this and wrapped his arms around me so tightly that I could barely breathe.
"I know you're hurting! I'm hurting, too! I know you miss him. But try to understand what I'm saying. He's not really dead. We may never see him again, but he's not dead."
What could I say to that? Nothing. Daniel was still lost to us, and that's all that mattered to me. That's still all that matters. So I just stopped struggling against him and I wept on his shoulder. I remembered that having his arms around me was what I wanted and needed, and I surrendered to my weakness and hung on. I held on to him and cried for a while, until I felt strong enough to stand on my own two feet and walk away.
When I calmed down, I just stepped out of his arms and excused myself. I told him that Janet and Cassie needed me. And I left him standing in my lab alone.
Jack's Journal – Entry 80
Carter is mad at me. She's frustrated because I won't acknowledge the fact that Daniel is dead. How can I, when I know he's not? She's the one that can't understand! She's the one that, for once, can't see what's really going on. She's so focused on missing and mourning Daniel that she can't see beyond her pain.
I feel sorry for her. It's hard to see her hurt so much and not be able to help her. But I tried to explain, and she just won't see it. And now that I'm forcing the team to go on the mission for the Asgard, a team minus one member, she's outright angry with me.
So I guess I'll just stay out of her way, do my job and hope that she eventually gets over it. She's too much of a professional to let her feelings interfere with her work. If I've learned something about Carter, that's it.
Sam's Journal - Entry 89
We made it back from the first mission without Daniel. And it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I don't mean the mission was easy. It wasn't! I got tortured by that bitch, Osiris, and Thor barely survived. But we were successful in retrieving the Asgard research material from the planet and getting away before it was too late, thanks to the Asgard cavalry.
I guess I have come to terms with Daniel's absence. And my CO was right. He threw us back into the thick of things and forced us to restart the engine and get going again. As angry as I was about this to begin with, now I realize that he did the right thing. We needed to get back out there and move on, not dwell on what we've lost.
Last night's dream helped me cope as well. I dreamt of Daniel, for the first time in years. We were all at the park, having a picnic in a beautiful, sunny day. Janet and Cassie were there, playing volleyball with Teal'c. Ja… Colonel O'Neill was snoring under a tree. And Daniel and I were sitting on a bench, munching on grapes and chatting away. Then he suddenly said to me, "I miss you, you know?"
"I miss you, too," I said, knowing exactly why he had said what he did, even though it did not fit with the reality in my dream. "I wish you were still with us. It's hard without you," I added.
"I know. It's hard not having you guys with me over here. But I'm learning so much! And you know how much I love learning about things," he smiled like a little boy with a new toy.
"We'll be okay, Daniel. I just hope that you're happy," I said to him, trying to convey all the love I feel for him.
"I am happy… for now. And I know that you guys are going to be okay, too." He then leaned over and kissed my cheek, and it felt like I used to feel when Orlin and I "joined." I felt at peace.
The End
Story Notes: Spoilers: All Episodes of Season Five
Author's Note: This is the sixth piece of my series "Journals". It follows "Journals – Season 4". I am deeply grateful for my dear Beta, Barb, and her invaluable assistance with this story.
Author's Note: This is the sixth piece of my series "Journals". It follows "Journals – Season 4". I am deeply grateful for my dear Beta, Barb, and her invaluable assistance with this story.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]