Sam's Journal - Entry 90
Jonas Quinn came into my lab this morning, and the uncomfortable look on his face immediately made me wary. Up to that moment — and despite his awkward position on the base and the fact that Colonel O'Neill will barely speak to him — he'd been unfailingly cheerful, smiling and polite at all times. He was carrying a bunch of hardcover notebooks in his hands, and he put them on my workbench without a word. I could tell what they were. I'd seen Daniel writing on his journals more than once. And I was suddenly furious!
I asked him if he'd read them with what I'm sure was a frigid tone. I thought he had for sure, and I felt violated even though the journals weren't mine. But Jonas' eyes honestly met mine when he assured me that he hadn't. He'd started to read the first page of one of them and he'd immediately realized what they were, so he had stopped. Then he said that he thought I should have them for safekeeping.
I almost melted with relief with his answer. I don't know why. I have no idea what Daniel had written in his journals. We never talked about it. But I'm sure he'd gotten into some detail about many of our team's ordeals, as well as his personal feelings during these times, and maybe even ours.
His journals were certainly not meant for strangers' eyes. So I took the pile of notebooks and put them in an empty drawer, then I locked it. They're not meant for my eyes, either. They're Daniel's private thoughts, and they should remain private.
Jonas saw me put them away wordlessly. When I turned to look at him he just nodded and started to leave, but something made me stop him. I guess it was the blatant regret in his eyes. He's sincerely sad about Daniel's death. I know he's not faking it for our benefit, and we have the naquadria to prove it. But he can't expect me to accept him as Daniel's replacement!
I know he wants to join SG-1, just like everybody else. But he's the last person Colonel O'Neill would allow in the team, and I frankly don't want him there, either, but I invited him to have lunch with us. I guess it was my way of thanking him for his discretion.
Colonel O'Neill gave me a funny look when he saw me walk into the mess hall with Jonas, but he didn't comment and he was actually polite to the Kelownan, even if he didn't say much. He kept looking at me funny during the meal. I guess he was wondering whether I'm becoming friends with Jonas, but since he didn't ask, I didn't say anything. We parted ways after lunch and didn't see each other again for the rest of the day.
He's not visiting my lab anymore. I think Colonel O'Neill thinks I'm still mad at him because of his refusal to mourn Daniel. I'm not. I accept his view of things, and he was right in getting us back on the saddle right away.
I have to admit that it did help with getting on with our lives. But there is coldness between the two of us that didn't exist before. There's a distance growing larger and larger.
It's inevitable, I guess. We can't have feelings for each other. The war rages on. He's my CO. I'm his subordinate. So it's probably better this way.
Jonas' Journal - Entry 1
Today I found Dr. Jackson's personal journals. They were inside a drawer, neatly stacked but not locked, and I thought these were more notes on the translations he'd been working on. I was surprised when I read his concerned thoughts about Colonel O'Neill and Teal'c. It was something about Teal'c being brainwashed, and I immediately remembered reading about that incident. I've read all of SG-1's mission reports already, and I remember all of them clearly.
I realized that I shouldn't be reading Dr. Jackson's personal journals and I went through a moment of panic, but then I decided to collect the notebooks and take them to his best friend, Dr. Carter. I thought she should have them.
I also made myself a mental note to start journals of my own, which I'm doing now. I think it would be a great way to chronicle my new life with the Tau'ri. It would also be a good way to practice Tau'ri slang and terms. TV is great for this, but writing actually allows me to use what I learn, since the only person I have lengthy conversations with is Teal'c, and he's not great help in this area.
Major Carter's initial reaction when I showed up with the journals scared me a little. I thought she was going to get off her stool and strike me when she asked me if I'd read them. So I very quickly assured her that I hadn't, which is the truth.
She believed me. I could tell by her relieved sigh and the way her body relaxed. Then she despondently stood up and took the notebooks to lock them away.
She still looks so sad! She really misses her friend, and her sorrow makes me feel guilty. She's such a beautiful woman… I mean… a beautiful person. Yes, I acknowledge she's a beautiful woman, too, but I really have learned to appreciate her more as a person during the last three months on base. Despite her grief and my role in Dr. Jackson's death, she's always been nothing but kind and courteous to me.
Everybody likes Major Carter, even the women that you'd think would be jealous of her. Dr. Fraiser is her best friend, and the whole infirmary staff lights up when Major Carter walks in with one of her casual good mornings and brilliant smiles. General Hammond has a very obvious soft spot for her. I understand he's a personal friend of her father's and he's known her since she was a teenager. But I think part of it is plain admiration and appreciation for her as a person and as a professional. Teal'c would probably kill anyone who dared speak an evil word about her in his presence. Something tells me he'd also die for her if it came to that. His features soften when he converses with this particular friend.
The rest of the men on base — judging by locker room talk which I am privy to only when they don't realize I'm listening nearby because no one seems to trust me yet — lust after her and, at the same time, respect her as an officer and as a scientific genius. But no one dares to approach Major Carter on a personal level, even though many wish they could ask her out. Siler, for one, would probably use that huge wrench of his to bash someone's head in if he found out. I think he's a little in love with her himself, but he'd do it for another reason: Colonel O'Neill.
And Sgt. Harriman would probably find a way to make someone's life very, very difficult. He, I know, is married, but worships the ground both Major Carter and Colonel O'Neill walk on, and the consensus is that the colonel — indubitably the most admired officer on base, and that's including General Hammond — would not be pleased to see her with another man.
The rumor is that he's in love with his second-in-command and that his feelings are reciprocated. There's even some speculation about a secret intimate relationship, but most people don't believe it. Most of them think that Major Carter would never break the military's rules, even if she wanted to.
I understand that these are called "non-fraternization" rules and that, in a nutshell, they do not allow for an intimate relationship within the same chain of command. So the beautiful and brilliant major is standing on a very high pedestal where no one can reach her, especially her CO.
Of course, the men on base have it right. I've always been a careful observer. I don't miss details, which makes it easier for me to interact with people. Determining someone's mood before a conversation is important in order for that conversation to be productive. So I can say that I've observed enough interactions between Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter to agree with the rest of the base. Those two are in love with each other, but there is no secret relationship, and Teal'c confirmed this for me the other day.
There is, however, an awful lot of tension between the two officers, probably because of their forbidden love for each other. I can understand why a CO/subordinate relationship would be difficult if the same people were also lovers. It would be impossible, sometimes, to make the correct command decision. I know I probably couldn't do it. But Teal'c doesn't agree.
I dared to bring up the subject of the non-fraternization rules during breakfast last Tuesday, and I asked for his opinion on that. He didn't even look at me when he said, "The rules may have been established in order to assist less able individuals handle difficult situations on the field, but they are superfluous in Colonel O'Neill's and Major Carter's situation."
He took me by surprise. I guess I hadn't fooled him for a second — the man is more than a hundred years old and not stupid — and his direct approach floored me.
When I started to deny that I was referring to his friends, he just looked at me and said, "You are a gifted and observant individual, Jonas Quinn. But if you ever wish to become part of SG-1, you will have to understand that there are matters more important to Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter than their own personal feelings. Their sense of honor and duty, as well as their integrity as officers of the American Air Force, are paramount. However, it is my opinion that my friends could effectively be both teammates and soul mates. They have decided against it. They have chosen to obey the rules. And until they change their minds, this is the way it is, and we must respect their decision."
Well, that has been the most I've ever heard Teal'c say in one conversation, testament to how strongly he must feel about this subject. And if I ever needed confirmation about the colonel and the major's feelings, I couldn't have gotten it from a better source. It made me feel very sorry for them.
I guess their feelings — from what I could gather from Teal'c's somber manner while he spoke — are very deep and have caused them great pain. I wonder if Teal'c's subsequent "boxing" lesson later that day had something to do with his displeasure with the topic. He taught me the basics, but I wasn't able to land one single punch. He promised to keep practicing with me, which I'm not sure yet is a good thing. I was quite sore afterwards.
It doesn't seem fair that the two people that have probably done the most to save this planet from destruction should be prevented from finding happiness with each other. But as I said before, I understand why the rules exist.
Could Colonel O'Neill truly sacrifice Major Carter if she were the woman he slept with every night? Could he have done what he did when the "Entity" — as they chose to name that particular alien being — took over Major Carter if she'd been the woman in his life at the time? I don't know. I guess I don't know them well enough yet. But Teal'c seems to believe his friends could do anything that needs to be done. They must be stronger people than I had suspected.
I hope I'm strong enough in the future. I wasn't when the moment of truth came, back on Kelowna. I watched an alien to my world sacrifice his life for my people, and it made me feel ashamed of myself. It made me look at myself with new eyes and take stock of my worth as a human being. I found myself lacking, and I'm determined to remedy that.
I hadn't known what I could do to atone for my mistake until Colonel O'Neill came to Kelowna and confronted me. By the time he went back to Earth, I knew what I had to do. And I did it. I told the truth — which fell in deaf ears — I took the naquadria, and I brought it to Earth. I turned my back on my government and left everything I had known and loved behind.
I'm not sorry for betraying Kelowna's trust. I did the right thing — long term — for my world. I hope someday I'll be able to return and prove that to them. The evil out there is much more threatening to our survival than our petty fights. They have to see that, and it's my mission in life to make them understand.
Joining SG-1 would allow me to do this and more. Not only would I try to fill Dr. Jackson's shoes to the best of my abilities and somehow alleviate the team's loss, if only intellectually, but it would also give me the best opportunity to learn about the Goa'uld and do what I can to defeat them.
General Hammond already told me that Colonel O'Neill has refused to consider me, which really doesn't surprise me. But I've been turned down many times before, back in Kelowna, for important and difficult positions. That never stopped me from continuing to try, and my persistence eventually got me where I wanted. I will not give up this time, either.
It's been enlightening to write all these thoughts down. Now that I've read what I wrote, I realize why Dr. Jackson kept journals. Chronicling is only one of the benefits.
Everything seems clearer when you write your thoughts down. So I guess I'll keep this up and hope that no one finds these computer files. That would be… awkward.
Jack's Journal – Entry 81
It's been three months since we lost Daniel, but Carter is still grieving. I guess I'm not surprised, but I'm worried. I hadn't expected her to take his "death" so hard.
Even though she tries not to mention his name, I know she misses him a lot. Even when she sometimes forgets and laughs with Teal'c and me, I see her eyes drift to that empty seat and I can hear what she's thinking: `What would have Daniel said about that?' Her eyes cloud over and her smile disappears. Then she retreats behind her carefully built wall, the one that keeps Colonel O'Neill safely outside, and she smiles no more.
Jonas Quinn has been sitting in Daniel's seat a few times. Teal'c has occasionally invited him to join us for lunch or breakfast, and Carter also brought him along the other day. My Jaffa buddy has been kind to his fellow alien, probably remembering how difficult it was for him to fit in with the Tau'ri at the beginning. So I put up with the friendliness… up to a point. Teal'c, after all, seems to be the guy's only regular companion.
The kid must be lonely, but he's keeping himself very busy. He's been reading everything in Daniel's library, with General Hammond's blessing. The General even ordered us to invite him to come with us to Nevada to check out the new X-302, the one using the Kelownan naquadria. So I sent Carter to invite him.
That's one of the perks of being a CO. You can send others to do the stuff you don't want to do… sometimes.
Sam's Journal - Entry 91
The X-302 prototype is complete. It's way ahead of schedule and it looks great. Despite Colonel O'Neill's initial negativism about the craft, even he was impressed with the fact that Earth now has interstellar flight capabilities. The craft has to be tested first, of course, but I think I'll be the one doing the testing. Colonel O'Neill didn't seem too keen on the idea, but I guess I can't blame him after the X-301 fiasco.
We took Jonas Quinn to Area 51 with us to inspect the prototype, per General Hammond's orders. Neither Colonel O'Neill nor I were thrilled with this. The colonel barely speaks to the Kelownan, and I don't want Jonas to get his hopes up about joining SG-1. And sure enough, upon our return to the base, he stopped by my lab to ask for some reading material and he took the opportunity to plead his case to join SG-1.
I had to be honest with him and tell him that I didn't see it happening. And instead of getting upset, he gave me a nice smile and just left. I feel bad for him, but I just can't see Colonel O'Neill changing his mind about him, and I really don't want him taking Daniel's spot either.
It just feels wrong.
Jack's Journal – Entry 82
I can't believe that Teal'c suggested that I consider Jonas Quinn for Daniel's replacement! That's just not gonna happen! My friend has a good heart, and he doesn't blame Quinn for what happened to Daniel, but the Kelownan was part of the cover up. And even if he's sincerely sorry about Daniel and made up for his mistake by stealing the naquadria for us, that doesn't make me want to include him in my team.
I don't even think we need a fourth person. Teal'c, Carter and I can handle things just fine without a geek in the team. The last one got me injured, for crying out loud! My damn knee is busted again because of his stupidity.
We've tried nine geeks so far, and they all sucked big time! Even Carter agreed with me on that, and Teal'c says nothing but I've learned to read him by now, and I know that he's had to use some of his enormous restraint not to shoot some of them.
However, I'm humble enough to recognize when General Hammond's got me cornered. He's threatening me with a Russian! The old man is playing dirty, and I have my orders, so I'll have to keep trying to find someone capable of replacing Daniel.
I know Hammond thinks that the Kelownan would be a valuable asset. He's definitely a genius. From what Carter says, he absorbs everything he reads. No wonder he had such an important position in his government despite his young age — he's not even thirty yet. But a position in my team, he will not have.
Sam's Journal - Entry 92
Teal'c left with Bra'tac. His wife is dying, but she refuses to take another symbiote.
God! So much death! And it's all because of the damned Goa'uld! How much more pain must our friend endure?
Although I know that they're now more friends than husband and wife, I know that Drey'auc is very special to Teal'c, as well as the mother of his only child. Poor Ry'ac will be alone if she dies, with only Bra'tac to take the place of his parents, because I know that Teal'c will not stop fighting the Goa'uld to go and be a father to his son. He made that difficult decision long ago, and he's completely committed to his mission.
I just hope he gets there in time to talk some sense into his ex-wife.
Jack's Journal – Entry 83
Teal'c has gone to see his dying wife. Bra'tac came to get him, and it doesn't look good. What's worse, soon after he left, we got an incoming wormhole that won't quit.
Carter says someone is bombarding our Stargate with radiation and that, in a few days, it will explode with enough force to wipe out Colorado. The fallout will destroy life on Earth. Not a pretty picture!
She says she has no idea how to stop the attack, and it scares the heck out of me when Carter can't come up with an idea. That happens like… never!
Some nasty Goa'uld — whom I suspect to be the newest bad guy, Anubis — is breaking the treaty. So Thor should be able to intervene. But with the Stargate blocked, we don't have a way to contact the Asgard.
Carter volunteered to fly the X-302 prototype to try to reach Abydos. If we can reached Abydos, we could use their gate to contact our little friend.
I'll be joining her, of course. There's no way in hell I'm letting her take this mission without my backup. When I offered to go with her, she looked at me in almost shock. I suppose it's natural, given all my griping about testing the damn thing earlier, and on our way out of Hammond's office, she looked at me with a question in her eyes.
I knew what she was asking. She wanted to know what had made me change my mind about the X302, but I chose to play dumb, since I'm not about to admit that I would not let her go on a dangerous mission without me. I just went on the offensive and accused her of trying to get away from the base because McKay is back, which did get a chuckle out of her.
Jack's Journal – Entry 84
Well, THAT didn't work! Something's wrong with the naquadria, and we couldn't open the hyperspace window. The safety protocols wouldn't allow it. And as soon as we returned to the SGC, we got a little holographic visit from Anubis. Being right about who our latest villain is didn't make me feel any better.
To top it all, McKay is being a royal pain in the ass. He's here to supposedly help us deal with the problem, but so far all he's done is to practically strip Carter naked with those little beady eyes of his while he questions everything she says and does.
I feel sorry for my major. The guy's an asshole and she doesn't need this right now, but I know she can handle him. If he gets out of line, she'll kick his ass.
Jonas' Journal - Entry 2
As I thought would happen, the instability of the naquadria didn't allow for the hyperspace window to be stable and the safety protocols of the X-302 kicked in. Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter missed the window, so the plan to go to Abydos and use their Stargate to contact the Asgard did not work.
At least Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter were able to return safely to Earth. Now they're back on base and trying to think of other options. Based on everything I've read in the mission reports, I believe that Major Carter will eventually come up with a solution.
The newly arrived scientist, Dr. McKay, is a very irritating man, even to an easygoing person like myself. I can only imagine how he's affecting Major Carter's concentration. Now he wants to send an EM pulse through the gate, but the major doesn't think it's going to work, which I tend to agree with.
General Hammond is, however, without other options, so he's ordered her to assist Dr. McKay with the plan. The man is gloating and she looks like she wants to hit him, and I don't blame her.
I'm just glad Teal'c isn't here to witness Dr. McKay's treatment of her. The annoying scientist would be confined to the infirmary by now.
Jack's Journal – Entry 85
Well, McKay's idea didn't work, either. What's worse, Carter got hurt and we have a lot less time to solve this problem than we did before. I feel like skinning the guy alive, but I'm staying out of it. She can handle herself, and she admitted that we had to try his idea since we had no others.
At least now the mad scientist is eating humble pie and getting along better with the rest of the eggheads. This is giving Carter a break. I know she'll figure this thing out sooner or later.
Sam's Journal - Entry 93
Now that the crisis is over and McKay is out of my hair, I can finally breathe. Although at the end he did contribute to the solution of our problem, I'm glad I don't have to deal with him and his lecherous looks anymore. He's not as bad as I'd previously believed, but he's still extremely aggravating.
I can't believe that he actually admitted to being jealous of me. I never saw that one coming, and at the time I was too concerned with the destruction of the planet to be able to relish the moment. But the important thing is that Earth is safe, for now, and so is Colonel O'Neill.
He saved us again. We had the initial ideas, but he was the one who suggested using the hyperspace window and the one to put his life on the line. He, however, insists on giving me the credit.
I chose not to argue the point this time, but to remind him that much of the credit does belong to our Kelownan guest. I'm deeply grateful to him for giving me the idea to remove the Stargate. The colonel just nodded and said that it really didn't matter anymore.
He and I are both being given commendations and our choices of assignments now that the SGC is being shut down for lack of a Stargate, and General Hammond is still trying to figure out what to do with Jonas.
The colonel is talking about retiring again. I told him I had offers from the Pentagon and Area 51, but that I hadn't decided what to do yet. It was a brief conversation over an unappetizing lunch. We didn't mention Teal'c. We both will miss him. But without a Stargate, we probably won't see him for a while, if ever.
The same goes for my dad. Who knows when the Tok'ra will even realize that we don't have a Gate anymore! The only way I'll ever see him again is by having him come to Earth by ship.
During my conversation with my CO the thought occurred to me that, if he retired, all the reasons for us not having a relationship would disappear. The realization hit me so suddenly that I couldn't say a word for a while, with my heart beating fast and my mouth dry with nerves. He's not a stupid man. I know he also knows this. But he didn't touch the subject.
I was hoping he would, despite everything that has transpired. But he didn't. He made no offers and no suggestions, and I was deeply disappointed. So I didn't say anything, either.
He wouldn't want to retire in DC or Nevada, anyway. And I would have absolutely nothing to do in Minnesota. I think we were both thinking the same thing but he, instead of addressing the subject and coming up with alternatives, started talking about General Hammond's retirement and the idea that we should throw him a party.
I admit that it really upset me to realize that he doesn't have that kind of interest in me anymore, but I guess I can understand why he doesn't. Our relationship has changed significantly over the last year. We tried so hard to deny our feelings that we probably succeeded in destroying them. I'm not even sure how I really feel about him anymore.
During the few seconds after the explosion of the Stargate, when we didn't know if the colonel had made it out of the X-302 safely, I could swear my heart had stopped beating. Fleeting thoughts of how much I'd miss him and how sorry I was that we hadn't parted in better terms went through my head. But the agonizing feelings of despair that I'd felt in similar situations before were not there this time. Then I heard that they'd spotted his chute and I felt deeply relieved. I was happy that I didn't have to delve into my feelings and we could just continue on as we were before, ignoring each other personally.
I think that I could probably go on without Colonel Jack O'Neill in my life and still be happy. It happens. Feelings change. Especially when too much pain is involved. Especially when the man you thought you wanted… doesn't want you in return.
Jack's Journal – Entry 86
General Hammond was retiring and I was being given my choice of assignment. The President had told me so himself. "You can have anything you want, Jack," he'd said.
Carter had been given choices as well. We discussed it over lunch, and I dropped the hint about retiring, the one thing that would allow me to have her in my personal life. But she said nothing. Nada. Zilch!
She wasn't interested in discussing the subject. She avoided my eyes and continued eating, not even commenting on what this could mean for us.
If I'd ever needed proof that she doesn't feel the same way about me anymore, I got it then. The ball was in her court, as it had always been, and she just let it drop. And it hurt. It hurt badly. But I understood.
Sam still has a brilliant career before her, and I'm nothing but a tired, old soldier that would just drag her down. Why shackle herself to me? This is a woman that can pick and choose. She could have anyone she wants. So why pick me, a man more than fifteen years her senior and who's looking at growing old with a fishing pole in his hand?
I had suspected that her feelings were not the same for a while. It had been a long time since she'd flashed a genuine smile at one of my jokes. The silences in her lab had grown so long and full of tension that I had visited her less and less, to the point that I rarely did anymore. She'd never said anything about it. I had kept hoping she would, but she had obviously not missed me. She had probably been relieved.
She'd also become painfully professional in our exchanges. We never flirted anymore, or exchanged long, meaningful looks over the briefing table, or doodled messages to each other, like we used to do during boring meetings. I had noticed all these changes, but I still had hoped that there was enough left for us to pick up the pieces and make something out of it someday.
I'd been a deluded old fool. I'd shot her dead at one point, yet still hoped that she'd continue to love me! What an idiot!
Now, however, we have a new Stargate. Teal'c and family destroyed Anubis' weapon, and no one is going anywhere. So I guess it was good that Carter and I never made plans to be together. There's always a silver lining, right?
The Russians gave us our original Stargate back for a bunch of money and concessions, and the President's words ended up being nothing but a very private joke. "Anything you want, Jack," became "You'll have to live with this, son," when Hammond informed me that one of the concessions was to allow a Russian to be the fourth member of my team.
But I had a way to get out of it, and I took it. I informed Hammond that Jonas Quinn would be my fourth team member.
They guy deserves it. He did help us save the planet. I also have to admit that his sincere plea before the elevators reached me, and Carter had done most of the convincing already. Despite my bitterness at her lack of interest in a relationship with me, I still can't say no to her.
So now we'll be having a Russian unit at the SGC, we're back to having four SG-1 members, and I have to give Jonas Quinn a fair chance to prove himself. He'll never be Daniel, but I'm sure he has his own kind of charm.
Teal'c is back, Carter is not going to Area 51 or the Pentagon and, even if she no longer has tender feelings for me, I still get to see her every day.
As I said before, the silver lining is always there.
Jonas' Journal - Entry 3
I'm part of SG-1! And I proved to myself again that, if I don't give up, I eventually succeed. I still can't believe it! We'll be going on our first mission together tomorrow, and I made sure to ask Major Carter what color uniform to wear.
I know I still have to prove myself and that Colonel O'Neill can kick me out of the team anytime, just like he did the previous nine scientists that tried to replace Dr. Jackson, but I'll be doing my best to prevent him from doing that.
I also made it a point to thank both Teal'c and Major Carter for putting in a good word for me. Colonel O'Neill told me that they both had asked him to give me a chance, and that he trusted his teammates' judgment, so he'd decided to do so. In no uncertain terms he warned me "not to blow it," and I was just so happy that all I did was grin like an idiot.
General Hammond seems to be pleased as well. I'm definitely not ruining this opportunity. I'll die first!
Sam's Journal - Entry 94
I'm so angry with Mark! After all we both went through with Dad trying to rule our lives, he should know better! What is it about the men in my life? They all try to control me and tell me what's best for me, as if I were nothing but a dumb blonde! First Dad, then Jonas, and now my own brother!
He tried to set me up with one of his friends. And he tried to be sneaky about it, which is what infuriated me the most. He didn't even ask me! He just had this guy call me out of the blue and tell me that my brother had given him my number in case he needed someone to show him around while he was on a temporary assignment in Colorado Springs.
He's a detective with the Denver PD and seemed nice enough. I didn't want to take it out on the poor guy, so I was as polite as I could while letting him know that I wasn't available due to work. He sounded disappointed but was nice about it.
He went on to explain how he knew my brother. They'd taken some courses together in college and had become close friends. They still kept in touch and got together occasionally. He then told me that he had hoped he could meet me ever since Mark had shown him my picture!
After I hung up with him, I called my brother and gave him an earful. He had the nerve to be amused by how upset I was! He told me to "take it easy" and excuse him for wanting me to "have a life." If he'd been here I would have beat him up like I used to when we were little!
I tried to make him promise not to do that again, but he just laughed and hung up, the schmuck!
Anyway, Dad is coming home. We called him because NORAD spotted a ship in orbit of Earth and it seems to be Goa'uld. It's just floating there.
There have been no attacks, no threats and no communication of any kind. It's in plain sight of our satellites and not attempting to hide, but won't answer our hails. Something is very weird, and we need a ship to go investigate, so Dad is borrowing a cargo ship from the Tok'ra and is coming to help us. We suspect the mothership may be empty from what we can detect from the surface, and if it is, we'll try to board it.
SG-1 will be going on this mission, and Major Davis and Dr. Friesen will be accompanying us to assist with technical matters if necessary. It's a big ship and I can't be in multiple places at the same time, as General Hammond pointed out, and they are the two people that have spent the most time studying the information we have on Goa'uld craft technology. Major Davis is heavily involved in the X-303 project, and Dr. Friesen is one of the designers working on the ship's systems.
Jonas is very excited about this mission. We've been off world with him a number of times since he joined our team weeks ago, but this is the first time he'll actually be on a ship in space. He's so thrilled that he barely ate breakfast this morning at the mess hall, which must be a first, and Colonel O'Neill did nothing but roll his eyes at his eagerness. Teal'c looked as amused as Teal'c can possibly look, and I have to admit that I found our new team member's enthusiasm rather contagious.
Jonas is growing on me. He's been very pleasant to have around during our last few missions, as boring as they have been. He's been quite a trooper, trying very hard to please and learn, and putting up with Colonel O'Neill's sarcastic streak good-naturedly. Our CO has been in rare form lately. I wonder what's bugging him.
Jonas has actually made Teal'c open up a bit, as our Jaffa friend has taken him under his wing and tried to explain all our "eccentricities" to him. He's been a welcome distraction and has eased some of the tension in the team because of Colonel O'Neill's sourness. I'm sure Teal'c is also grateful for this side benefit, but he actually looked displeased when the colonel didn't join us for dinner last week. I, however, wasn't surprised when he turned down my invitation. I guess that's the way it'll be from now on.
Jonas' Journal - Entry 4
I'm going to be in space! For the first time, I'll be in a spaceship! Major Carter's father will be arriving soon with a Goa'uld cargo ship, a tel'tak, and our team will be going up to investigate the mysterious ha'tak in orbit, a Goa'uld mothership.
As soon as we spotted it I memorized everything about this type of ship I could get my hands on. I plan on being as helpful as possible. This is quite a memorable occasion for me, and I just had to make a note of it on my journal.
I've neglected this little project. I'd meant to chronicle my experiences here, but I've been so busy with missions and reading everything I can in my free time that I'd totally forgotten about it. I also have spent a lot of time with Teal'c learning personal combat skills, and even more time with Major Carter learning to use the different Tau'ri weapons we're equipped with.
The major continues to amaze me! She never misses a shot! I was actually relieved when I made a comment about it to Teal'c and he assured me that no one expects me to be as good as she is. He says she's the best sharpshooter on base. She, however, told that the expert with the knife is Colonel O'Neill. She's taught me the basics, but recommended that I ask the colonel to help me practice if I really wanted to get better with it.
Not that I'm intimidated or anything, but I've decided that the knife is not something I'll probably resort to if I can help it, and that practicing with Colonel O'Neill can wait. Some day I may ask.
Teal'c and I have been allowed off base on a number of occasions and I've gotten to see more of Colorado Springs. I realize that this is a small and uninteresting city compared to others I've read about and seen on TV, but I find it fascinating nonetheless. The conveniences here are so advanced compared to those in Kelowna! And the entertainment is fabulous!
We don't have a movie industry in our planet, and our version of the Tau'ri television is used for governmental and educational programs only. Then there's the Jell-o wrestling Teal'c kept telling me about! It's crazy but hilarious!
Major Carter refused to come with us the first time we invited her, but when I told her that it was the only time I'd seen Teal'c laugh out loud, she seemed tempted to join us next time. Colonel O'Neill just smiled at us and said nothing.
I still haven't seen him outside the base at all. Major Carter invited us all to her house last Friday for dinner, but Colonel O'Neill excused himself. We had a good time anyway, but I wonder if he didn't come because he's still uncomfortable around me.
Jack's Journal – Entry 87
We lost another mothership. We were so close to having our own ship, complete with all the Goa'uld gadgets we've wanted to get our hands on, and we had to let it explode! But it was for a good cause. We were able to save Thor's consciousness and, if Carter is right — which I'm sure she is — then this will help get our little buddy back. So it was worth it.
It was also a close call. We were twice trapped and about to die. The first time Carter and I almost drowned. I know I was about to swallow some serious and unhealthy amount of seawater when the doors mysteriously opened and we were saved. Carter actually swallowed some, judging by her coughing and gagging.
I remember feeling deeply relieved when I realized that she would be okay before I got to the part about being thankful for my own survival. As I'd cursed at Jacob in my mind for failing to open the doors to save us, I'd kept thinking of the negative impact Carter's death would have on our fight against the Goa'uld.
Then the second time we got trapped I thought we were toast for sure. Carter couldn't activate the glider bay force field from where we were, and it seemed like it was the end of the road for both of us again, as well as Teal'c. Then Jonas Quinn, the fourth and formerly unwanted member of my team, saved us. He risked drowning while rerouting the power to Carter's control, and we were able to escape. The kid is full of surprises.
I'm man enough to admit when I'm wrong. I was wrong about our Kelownan. He had proven to be quite resourceful when we were dealing with Anubis' attack on the SGC, and now he's proven to be brave as well. He's more like Daniel than I had ever given him credit for. He'll never be Daniel, but he's close.
Sam's Journal - Entry 95
We're headed to Antarctica. Francine and her team found something that looks like a human being in the ice, and General Hammond has ordered SG-1 to accompany Janet to the base. She's going to assist Francine in a medical capacity when trying to thaw the specimen.
Going back there brings bittersweet memories. Looking back, I realize that our close call with a frozen death on that exact location four years ago made me realize for the first time that my feelings for Colonel O'Neill were more than the admiration and lust I had admitted to myself.
I remember how hearing him call for his ex-wife tore at me. I remember feeling the most desperate I had ever felt in my life when I realized that he was dying right before my eyes. And I remember snuggling up to him and feeling this strange serenity and acceptance envelop me when I realized that I would be dying with him… and in his arms.
So much has happened since then! I wonder if he feels anything at all because of having to return to that place.
Jack's Journal – Entry 88
We're going back to the frozen hell-pit we barely escaped from years ago. It should be warmer and cozier now that we have a base set up there, but Jonas chose to share with me that we're in for a storm sometime during the next few days. Peachy! Just what I needed! With my luck, I'll be caught out in it and become a human Popsicle.
I wonder if Carter is apprehensive at all about going back there. That was one of her first life-and-death experiences — if I remember correctly — since she joined the program. It was probably the closest she'd ever gotten to die on the line of duty up to that point. It was also the closest she ever got to me physically — not counting the alien virus interlude, since it wasn't really voluntary — which brings back some rather embarrassing memories.
I still can't believe the way my body reacted to Carter snuggling up to me, despite being half-frozen and in pain. But she was a good sport when she noticed my body's response. She laughed at my joke about my sidearm and stayed in my arms.
She seemed to be okay this morning during breakfast, listening to Jonas's weather prediction with an amused look on her face. If she remembered anything about our experience in Antarctica, she didn't mention it, and she didn't seem worried about our mission.
Why is it that I have a bad feeling about this one? It seems like an easy assignment, but my gut is churning. And I always listen to my gut.
I really hope I just ate something that disagreed with me.
Jonas' Journal - Entry 5
Ayiana is dead. Colonel O'Neill has gone to the Tok'ra to be blended with one called Kanan in order to save his life, and I'm actually grieving for a woman I knew for only a couple of days.
She was such a special being… so sweet, so gentle, and so selfless. She sacrificed herself for us, no doubt feeling guilt she shouldn't have felt. It wasn't her fault that she was infected with a deadly virus. But I guess it was her destiny to die of it eventually.
Dr. Fraiser says that it would have probably killed her if she hadn't been frozen all those years ago. So she survived for millennia to let us know that humankind's history is different from what we previously believed, and then she went away.
I think it was something like love at first sight. I felt an instant connection with her when we first started to communicate. I was never afraid of her or worried about any dangers her presence among us could bring. I know I was intensely curious, but it was more than that.
I wanted to know her as a person and as a woman more than I wanted to know about her race and her history. Now this seems ludicrous, but it's true. And true or not, it is now irrelevant. She's gone.
Sam's Journal - Entry 96
We took Colonel O'Neill to the Tok'ra base today and left him there after he blended with Kanan. They say it will be a while before he's well enough to come out of his coma and communicate.
I hated leaving him there. I don't want him to wake up and not find one of us near, but the Tok'ra were adamant that we leave. They weren't acting very friendly, and I found myself getting angry with them, but I had to restrain my impulses because, after all, they were saving my colonel's life.
I still can't believe that he agreed to the blending. I fully expected to have to beg him to say yes. I was prepared to do or say anything to convince him. And while I was preparing arguments in my mind, I realized that I was as terrified of losing him as I've ever been.
It's still true. I don't want to lose him, even if I can't ever really have him. So I couldn't let him die, and I was ready to beg. But he unexpectedly said yes when I asked him to consider that Kanan had important strategic information to share.
I had known that he would never accept blending with a symbiote just to save his own life. He'd proven repeatedly that he's more than ready to die. But I also knew that he would, at least, consider the blending if it meant that it would give us any kind of advantage in our battle against the Goa'uld. So I didn't hesitate to use that excuse.
He was looking into my eyes when I asked him to think about it. I don't know why I know this, but I do know that he just couldn't say no. He hated saying yes, but he did it anyway, and I know he did it for me.
I guess I should be more concerned right now about the implications of Ayiana's existence but, somehow, I just can't seem to care. I just want to hear that Colonel O'Neill has been healed and that he's ready to come back home.
Jonas' Journal - Entry 6
Major Carter, Teal'c and I are going to Steveston, Oregon, where it is forecasted to be partly sunny and in the high thirties during the next few days. I'm actually excited to visit another Tau'ri town, even if it is a small one. I find it fascinating to see the differences between the many cities of this country. One thing is to read about them and another to actually experience it.
I was glad to see Major Carter perk up a little with the prospect of this mission. Ever since she received the phone call from Dr. Flemming, her intellectual curiosity has taken over and she hasn't been quite so depressed.
I guess now she has an interesting mystery challenging her mind and, since she's the acting CO of SG-1, she can't afford to let her anxiety over her colonel impair her abilities.
Colonel O'Neill is taking a while to recuperate from the virus. The Tok'ra are also still looking for a replacement host, but I know Major Carter is frustrated with them because they insist that the colonel finish recuperating on their secret base instead of letting him come back to the SGC. She says they're acting paranoid and distrustful, as if they were afraid that Colonel O'Neill, once able to talk, would refuse to return to their base and share the information Kanan holds, which is ridiculous. Not having her father around to intervene is also exasperating, I'm sure.
Sam's Journal - Entry 97
We returned from Steveston yesterday, and the mission ended well despite an almost disaster.
Teal'c was our rock, as usual, and Jonas continues to surprise me. He not only has a photographic memory, he also seems to have extraordinary powers of observation, and those served us well in Steveston. But it was Dr. Flemming's antibiotic which saved us all.
The NID could have been infiltrated by the Goa'uld, but we were able to stop them. That organization keeps playing with fire, and one of these days they're going to get seriously burned. They don't seem to realize just how dangerous the Goa'uld are.
Now the partially constructed ship and the symbiotes we were able to seize are at Area 51 and away from their incompetent hands. Colonel O'Neill would be proud of us. Despite my very private misgivings with leading a mission while he was incapacitated, we managed to operate quite well without him.
I still missed him, I admit, but I also enjoyed being in command for a change. I felt more self-confident than I expected. I hadn't been so sure of being ready for my own command yet, but this mission convinced me that I am.
Maybe I should pursue this. Maybe I should ask General Hammond to let me have my own team. As hard as it would be not having Colonel O'Neill and Teal'c with me, I might be able to get used to it. Maybe it would be for the best to put some physical distance between the colonel and me. I wonder whether this may actually be good for our personal relationship.
But whom am I kidding? I don't want to leave SG-1! It would be too hard. I'd miss my teammates too much and I'd feel like a fish out of water without them despite my conflicted feelings for my CO. I just wish things could be the way they were before.
I miss Daniel, and I miss the ease I used to have with my CO. I miss our closeness. I miss the teasing and bantering. I miss the way we used to look at each other and silently communicate during boring meetings. I miss looking forward to seeing him every day. I almost dread it now.
Now it's so hard to be guarded around him and act like his moods don't affect me! They do. When he's gruff and aloof, it hurts. When he's pensive and detached, I worry. And when he's acting like the old Jack O'Neill — sarcastic, dense, and funny — I'm happy.
The vicious cycle continues, and I just don't know what to do to end it without giving up the team.
I wish he were back already. It's a good thing I've been so busy with the X-303 project. It's kept me sane during our down time and I've been able to forget about Colonel O'Neill not being with us… occasionally.
Sam's Journal - Entry 98
Colonel O'Neill is missing! He just left the Tok'ra base and no one knows where he went. Thoran blames the colonel, but we know that it's not his fault. He would never just walk away and leave us behind wondering what happened to him. The symbiote must be controlling him, and God only knows what his agenda is.
I'm so angry with the Tok'ra for not keeping their word! They were supposed to take care of him! They were supposed to keep him safe until he was well and a new host could be found. And they failed miserably! And to top it all, they are blaming my colonel!
If Dad were here this wouldn't be happening. They still refuse to put me in touch with him. They say that he's deep undercover and that he can't be reached.
The colonel is being held hostage by a symbiote he didn't want to begin with, and it is my entire fault! I asked him to say yes to the blending, even though I knew he would have rather died. And I did it for selfish reasons.
I asked him to say yes because I couldn't bear the thought of not ever seeing him again. So now I feel responsible for this.
We have to find him. Somehow, we will find him.
Jonas' Journal - Entry 7
Colonel O'Neill has been missing for a few days now. And now we're holding the Tok'ra, Thoran, hostage at the SGC until we get the information we need.
Major Carter is playing hardball — I just learned this term the other day, and I think it fits this situation perfectly — and will not relent until she's satisfied that the Tok'ra have no more information to share about the colonel's possible whereabouts. And with General Hammond backing her up, I feel sorry for Thoran.
Teal'c is proud of her. I could tell by the barely concealed smugness I detected in him when she challenged Thoran and told him he couldn't leave the base.
I don't blame him. I love to see the major in action. When she means business, she means business!
Sam's Journal - Entry 99
We know where the colonel is! Teal'c, Jonas and I are in agreement, and General Hammond believes us.
I kept racking my brain wondering what could have been compelling enough to have a Tok'ra abandon Revanna without telling anyone what his plans were. Then I wondered if the colonel, in fact, could have influenced the symbiote's decision. And what would make the colonel leave? Where would he go, other than back home?
Then it hit me. I remembered the slave that helped Kanan get the information on Ba'al's stronghold, and I just knew that that's where the symbiote had gone. Because Colonel O'Neill would never have left his informant behind if he could have helped it.
Thoran didn't believe us, but he doesn't know the colonel the way we do. He doesn't realize the depth of his convictions and the strength of his passion. Our CO would have never left that woman at the mercy of Ba'al, so now Kanan can't do it either.
The problem is that, given the information Kanan had already shared with the Tok'ra, we know that the fortress is practically impenetrable. Many would die in an attempt to rescue him, if he's really there, and General Hammond won't risk it, especially with no confirmed information on the colonel's whereabouts.
So that leaves it up to us to think of something. We won't abandon him. We have to find him and bring him home.
Jonas' Journal - Entry 8
We got Colonel O'Neill back. He made it through the Stargate and returned to Revanna when Lord Yu attacked Ba'al's fortress.
It was Teal'c's idea to let a system lord know about Ba'al's secret outpost, knowing that they would not be happy with him. The attack gave the colonel the chance he needed to escape, and he brought the slave, Shayla, with him, accomplishing Kanan's mission even though the symbiote is now lost to the Tok'ra.
Major Carter says that Shayla has decided to stay with the Tok'ra and continue Kanan's work. I guess she loved him as well.
The colonel is in the infirmary and will probably remain there for days, suffering from withdrawal symptoms. It seems the sarcophagus ensured that he was physically well, but the addiction to it will take its toll on him physically and emotionally.
The major shared with me some of what Dr. Jackson went through when he had to go through the same experience, and I could tell that she wasn't happy knowing that Colonel O'Neill now had to suffer through the same. She looked tired but relieved, and I could tell that she was carefully guarding her feelings around us — especially around the colonel when he woke up.
Teal'c is as happy as I've ever seen him. He assured me that O'Neill could withstand this ordeal easily. He has great faith in his friend's strength, so he's not too concerned.
I'm just glad the colonel is back and that we were able to figure out a way to help him.
Sam's Journal - Entry 99
The colonel is back, physically whole but addicted to the sarcophagus. Janet says it will take days for him to recover and that he'll suffer a great deal while he does, just as Daniel did years ago.
I feel horrible. It's my fault. He was literally hijacked by a symbiote and is currently in this situation because of me. And I just don't know how to apologize for something like this.
He reported to General Hammond, from his hospital bed, most of what he went through. We were all there, listening quietly while he talked to the general and Janet.
I don't know how I managed, but I held back the tears and stood behind the others so that I didn't have to watch him suffer. I was choking on guilt and despair as I listened to him recount how he was tortured to death and revived so many times that he lost count.
I don't know how he remains sane. A weaker person would have lost his mind in the same situation. But he's Jack O'Neill, and he's still the same cranky, stubborn, strong colonel that went to Antarctica with us only a few weeks ago.
I watch over him while he sleeps. I don't want him to realize that I spend so much time there with him. I don't want to be alone with him and have to talk and explain, much less have him look at me with hatred or resentment because of what he had to endure.
So I visit while he writhes and moans in his drugged-induced sleep, with Janet coming and going, checking on him constantly and patting me on the shoulder as she passes by. She knows how I feel. I've shared with her my guilty feelings on the matter, so she's tried to be supportive.
I hear him call out to Daniel. From what he mumbles in his sleep, Colonel O'Neill must have had hallucinations of our ascended friend while he was being tortured. He argues with him, asking him to help him stay dead. And when I hear this, I can't contain the tears. I weep silently in my chair, wishing it could have been me instead of him.
I'd trade places with him in a heartbeat if I knew that he would forgive me.
Jack's Journal – Entry 88
A lot has happened since the last time I wrote in this journal. I guess I've had a busy past few weeks.
As I had feared, Antarctica held a threat to my well-being… again! We discovered that the frozen body in the ice was a young woman, an Ancient. She came alive when we thawed her, and then we all started to get sick.
She was infected with a deadly virus. She also possessed what seemed to me miraculous healing powers, and she used them on all of us except me. She collapsed before she could get to me, and eventually died from the disease.
I thought I was a gonner for sure, but I was ready. I've been ready for a while, now I realize. Death doesn't scare me. I almost welcome it, which has made me realize that I've been feeling more miserable than I had suspected.
I guess I'm more tired of it all than I had acknowledged. I'm sick and tired of fighting with no end in sight. And, now that Daniel is gone and Carter doesn't like me anymore, I feel lonelier than ever.
To make matters worse, now we know that Ba'al is another system lord we have to take seriously. As if Anubis weren't bad enough!
The newest snake is a sadistic bastard. He tortured me to death many times, just to revive me with the sarcophagus every time and start all over again, digging for answers I wasn't able to give him.
I lost count of how many times he did this after the eighth or ninth time I woke up in that damned box. I know he enjoyed hurting me. I was nothing but a toy he played with.
I've been back to active duty for a couple of days now. I spent a week in the infirmary and a few more days resting at home. My team spent a lot of time watching me recuperate. I chatted with Teal'c and Jonas quite a bit, which gave me a chance to get to know our Kelownan better.
Carter was never around while I was awake, which really bothered me. I never commented on it, but Janet told me out of the blue that she was there while I slept.
I gathered that the Doc is worried about her. She told me that Carter felt guilty for what happened to me, which is ridiculous. I didn't want to have a snake inside me, but it did save my life, and I'm able to write about it because of her.
I know she feels guilty because I had truly been ready to die, but I couldn't say no to her. I remember looking into her eyes and seeing the fear there. I hardly remember anything else, but I remember that. She said, "Please, Sir," and I knew that she was begging me to live. I also knew that it wasn't because she wanted us to help the Tok'ra with their problem.
So I did. I didn't even have to think about it. I didn't want to hurt her by saying no. And I'm not sorry for my decision despite what happened.
After a few lonely days at home watching the Simpson's episodes I had missed, I came back to the base and Hammond briefed me on everything that went on while I was being tortured by Ba'al.
I owe my team big time. They refused to give up on me and eventually gave me the chance to escape. I'd known all along that they were doing just that, even though it was hard to keep hoping.
I have holes in my memory, probably from self-preservation and loathing at having a snake inside me, even if it was an ally snake. I don't even remember spending time on Revanna. I just remember waking up in pain and with a mouthful of mud on Ba'al's planet… and the subsequent happy times with him. I also remember Daniel.
I'm sure that he wasn't a figment of my imagination, even though the shrink would say otherwise, if he knew. I, of course, only tell him what he wants to hear. No need to share with him my conversations with my supposedly dead friend. That would certainly keep me off duty, and I can't sit at home any longer.
Carter stopped by my office earlier today and brought me a piece of cake. She seemed uncomfortable but stayed and chatted for a while. I think she wanted to make sure I was really me and had not gone hopelessly wacko.
She also tried to apologize, but I stopped her. I assured her that there was nothing to apologize for, and that I was grateful to her for figuring out where Kanan had taken me.
I teased her about her privileged brain again and made light of my experience with Ba'al. She did laugh at my jokes this time, and she seemed much more relaxed and content by the time she left.
So was I. I had missed her. A lot.
Jonas' Journal - Entry 9
Today we were contacted by Commander Hale, from Kelowna. They want to talk. They're sending a delegation to meet with us, and General Hammond has requested that we be present in the meeting — we being SG-1.
I don't know how I feel about it. I'm anxious and at the same time elated to be in touch with Kelowna again. I guess I'd missed my world more than I had admitted to myself.
Jonas' Journal - Entry 10
Commander Hale, Ambassador Dreylock, and my old professor, Dr. Kieran, met with us today here at the SGC. We now know why they were so interested in talking with us despite what had transpired between the two planets.
They want military technology from Earth, and in exchange they're offering naquadria. They want military superiority against an alliance between Tirania and the Andary Federation. They insist that our two enemies are joining forces to destroy Kelowna.
General O'Neill wasn't happy. He had no interest whatsoever in talking to my people, but General Hammond had ordered him to be present in the meeting nonetheless.
Major Carter had reminded us that we still need the naquadria for weapons and shields, if not for hyperspace travel, and I could tell she wasn't pleased with Colonel O'Neill's attitude during the meeting.
And… I just realized that I used the word "we" when referring to Earth, not to Kelowna. When did Earth become my home?
Was it the moment I made the decision to betray my people? When I stole the naquadria and used the Stargate to escape to Earth? Or was it when I joined SG-1? When? I don't know.
I do know that Dr. Kieran's brush-off when we met, after six years of working closely together, hurt more than I had ever anticipated.
When I had shared my anxiety with Teal'c, before their arrival, he'd pointed out that, regardless of what my people thought of me, I had to be satisfied with the belief that I had done what was right for my planet. And I had mentally agreed with him and decided that knowing this would be enough.
But it isn't. Dr. Kieran's disdain hurt deeply. My main concern now, however, is to prevent Kelowna from using the naquadria bomb as they say they may be forced to do.
They have no idea of what they're really getting into. We have to stop them.
Jonas' Journal - Entry 11
They took Dr. Kieran to the mental facility recommended by Dr. Fraiser today. He still believes all his hallucinations are real, and it would be impossible to convince him that everything is a product of his imagination and his desire to help his people, so we're just playing along.
No one contradicts him. He still sees people that aren't there and has conversations with thin air while lying in bed.
I told him that the resistance had succeeded and that they had taken over Kelowna's government. I told him that they had negotiated peace with the Tiranians and the Andaris. I even told him that the naquadria project had been dismantled and that Earth was now in possession of all the dangerous naquadria they had stockpiled.
He was a happy man. He was so relieved to hear all these lies that he cried, and I didn't even feel guilty for lying to him.
I know that he'll probably be better off living here on Earth with me, taken care of at a first-rate mental institution, than Dr. Silas and Dr. Leed back in Kelowna. In his mind, he has accomplished his mission and saved his people.
I wish I could feel the same.
Jonas' Journal - Entry 12
I'm feeling very frustrated! My team is stuck at the Alpha Site and General Hammond won't let me join them. There seems to be a saboteur among them, and tension is high between the Tok'ra and the Jaffa.
When I voiced my concerns over the safety of our people there, the general assured me that Jacob Carter and Bra'tac would help Colonel O'Neill control the situation, and that matters couldn't be in better hands.
I know he's probably right, but I still wish I could be there to help them!
Jack's Journal – Entry 89
We just came back from our secret Alpha Site, soon to be evacuated since it's not so secret anymore. We can't be sure whether the Goa'uld know about it or not, even though we managed to kill the assassin they sent. He could have communicated the gate address before we got him, so General Hammond is busy right now coordinating the temporary move to The Land of Light.
Tuplo assured us that there's a suitable area not too far from the Stargate that we can use until Carter comes up with a new planet unknown to the snakes. Then we'll move our Tok'ra and Jaffa allies there and begin the construction of the new Alpha Site elsewhere.
Things got quite tense between our two allies when we didn't know there was a third party involved in the killings, but the end result was positive. Now the Tok'ra and the Jaffa are willing to put aside past grudges and differences and try to fight together against the Goa'uld.
Jacob and Bra'tac's influence over their people was extremely valuable, and the old Jaffa leader surprised us all again with how tough and resilient he is. We had given him up for dead, and he showed up right on time to blast the Ashrak away.
I have rarely seen Teal'c show so much emotion as he did when he realized that his mentor was still alive. I gotta admit that I was relieved, too. I had put my feelings on hold due to the situation we were dealing with, but his loss had hit me hard as well. I'm glad he's still with us. We're going to need him more than ever to keep relations between our allied friends smooth.
I have to mention that, once again, Carter saved our butts. She discovered the naquadah generator going on overload and shut it down before it could explode, and she and Malek worked together to modify the device so that it could generate a high frequency burst that would make the Ashrak visible. It worked like a charm, as everything does when Carter is involved. But there was a moment when blood froze in my veins.
The Ashrak had been standing right next to her when she activated the generator the first time, no doubt intending to destroy the machine before she turned it on. He attacked her before any of us could react, but was thankfully more concerned with disabling the generator than finishing her off.
I can't believe I didn't see that one coming. She could be dead and it would have been my fault. I should have known that the assassin would try to stop us from detecting him.
I'm just glad that my stupidity didn't have more serious consequences. If she'd been hurt I wouldn't have been able to forgive myself.
Sam's Journal - Entry 100
It's been a while since I've written on my journal. I guess I've been kind of depressed lately. I feel like I'm just going through the motions, trying to do my job and keep up with everything, but I lack the enthusiasm I used to have. I guess it all seems so hopeless sometimes.
I know that I started to feel down when Colonel O'Neill almost died and then went missing. I was very upset about his disappearance and then later with what he had to go through in Ba'al's hands.
Even though he assured me that he didn't blame me for his ordeal, I couldn't help but feel guilty. He was very sweet about it, actually. He even tried to make me laugh, and I could see sincere concern for me in his eyes. But I still felt bad.
Then we got caught by Herak and lost Khonsu, a Tok'ra ally that had been well established as a spy among Anubis' ranks. That was a tough loss. I know my father is pretty upset about it. He shared with me that this particular Tok'ra, who had acquired a new host for this particular long-term mission, had been Selmak's friend for centuries. The Tok'ra also lost their main source of information on Anubis' activities, although they have a few other operatives in place.
Doctors Felger and Coombs didn't make things easier, although at the end they did help us escape from Herak. Colonel O'Neill was pretty upset with them, so I tried to defend them by reminding him that they had ultimately helped. But I must have caught him at a bad moment because he yelled at me about sticking up for my fellow scientists, who were always good at disobeying explicit orders and creating havoc. He then said that, with or without their help, we would have escaped, as we always do.
Even though I agree with him on that, I guess my feelings got hurt when he turned on me. I can't help but think that he does resent me for what he went through with Ba'al, even though he denies it. I know he doesn't want to admit it because he wants the team to continue to work well together.
I was about to ask him about it again when he added that maybe Dr. Felger had felt inclined to "rescue" us because he had the "hots" for me!
I was left speechless. Not only did I think he was wrong about that, but I felt like he was blaming the whole incident on me.
When I didn't respond and just kept glaring at him, not knowing what to say, he said, "I'm not blaming you, Carter. But don't defend them, either. If it were up to me, they'd be out of here and working in Antarctica!"
I chose to keep my mouth shut, so I just nodded and left. I was too upset to argue.
The two scientists were forgiven for disobeying orders but were warned never to do anything like that again. Dr. Coombs had been reassigned to Area 51, anyway, and Dr. Felger is on probation.
Then the whole mess with the Ashrak and the fighting between the Tok'ra and the Jaffa happened. The Tok'ra base was compromised and a lot of them died. We also lost people at the Alpha Site, Dad got hurt, we almost lost Bra'tac, and I got the living daylights scared out of me when I found a huge monster hovering over me when I turned the naquadah generator on the first time.
But the worst moment by far was watching the giant assassin stomp directly toward Colonel O'Neill on his way to the Gate. My CO had pulled out a knife to try to stop him, since the armor had deflected the bullets, and I remember thinking that those long arms would reach him and break his neck before the colonel could get close enough to use his weapon.
Bra'tac's staff blasts came at just the right moment. Everyone else seemed to have frozen in shock, and I started to shake with relief when I finally saw the heavy body of the assassin go down, right at the feet of my colonel.
Next, I was fighting off a wave of nausea and trying to act professionally at the same time, listening to Bra'tac give us all a pep talk. Too much had happened in a short time, and I think it all caught up with me at the same time. My discomfort lasted only for a few minutes and then I was fine, so I don't think anyone noticed, thank God.
All in all, it's been a very bad few months, and I still miss Daniel. So I guess it's not so surprising that I've been feeling blue.
I'm grateful for having Janet and Cassie in my life. The time I spend with them keeps me sane. I just wish that something positive happened soon so that we could feel like we are making some kind of progress in this long, exhausting struggle.
Jonas' Journal - Entry 13
My team made it back from the Alpha Site in one piece, but it seems that now we have to move the base to another planet. Major Carter asked me to help her find the best candidate from among the likely locations they had already considered before. I don't think she really needs my help, so I'm surprised that she asked me.
Something isn't right with her. She's been rather gloom and quiet lately. And she was definitely looking sick by the time she returned from the Alpha Site.
Colonel O'Neill also looked tired, but pretty much himself. Teal'c didn't say much, as usual, and is spending quite some time in his quarters, probably kelnoreeming.
Now that I think about it, I think Major Carter hasn't been herself since Colonel O'Neill went missing. Could she still feel guilty about that? Or maybe Colonel O'Neill blames her for his experience with Ba'al? I didn't think he did, but maybe she thinks he does.
I think it's time that I have a conversation with Major Carter. The worst that can happen is that she tells me to mind my own business. But at least she'll know that I care about her feelings.
Sam's Journal - Entry 101
I'm still reeling from everything we experienced during our last mission. We'd been glad but fairly blasé about our first contact and negotiations with Pangar. The Pangarans seemed friendly enough but not particularly advanced, and we expected this one to be one of those alliances where we do most of the giving and almost none of the taking. We were so wrong! Something good finally happened, but at a great cost!
Tretonin is an impressive drug. Although using it as the Pangarans had been using it is not an option, it does offer some tantalizing possibilities. For one, AIDS, the bubble boy disease, and other illnesses that impair our immune systems will no longer be fatal conditions. It might be possible to use a modified form of the drug to treat patients and allow them to live fairly normal lives.
Dad also mentioned the possibility of adapting the drug to be used as a substitute for symbiotes for the Jaffas. If this is true, this drug comes to us just a few months too late for Teal'c's wife.
Dad shared with me how hard the Tok'ra Council took the news about their queen's unsuspected circumstances in Pangar. No one had ever believed that she could have survived, and they found her alive only to lose her shortly afterwards.
At least she proved that she still believed in the Tok'ra cause, despite her long confinement and torture. She freely shared the information that will allow the Pangarans to wean themselves off the drug they created and became addicted to.
This was her parting gift… a gift to the people that abused her for more than fifty years. Not even Colonel O'Neill could deny that not all "snakes" are bad after this.
Jack's Journal – Entry 90
We were able to recover the Prometheus and our missing teammates, Carter and Jonas. It was close. Teal'c and I made it on board right before the ship took off into hyperspace.
The bad guys were dealt with and Carter was okay. I had feared that she might have been trapped in an area of the ship that wasn't quite finished when the Prometheus jumped to hyper-drive, but she had managed to get out in time, and we found her right before a pissed operative blew her away.
I guess they had not been happy about all the trouble she had been causing them. I'm happy to say that we don't have to worry about Simmons or Conrad anymore, so at least she'll be safer than she'd been while on Earth. But I still worry about the interest the NID may have in her.
The most important part of the unexpected mission came when we ended up helping the Asgard again. As a result, we now know that The Replicators are a lot more dangerous than the pesky bugs we'd faced before.
Now they are intelligent machines bent on conquering us all. And although we put them on hold for a while, something tells me that we don't have as much time as we think we do to come up with a definite and final defense.
We better come up with a way to stop them before we have to face them again… or else. Dealing with the current Goa'uld threat almost feels like an inconvenience when I think of what the bugs could do to us. No wonder the Asgard have been fighting them for so long.
Carter's usual impact on the male species of every race worked to our advantage this time. It's because of her influence on one of the human Replicators that we were able to fool them and lock them up in their time bubble indefinitely. We barely escaped, but we made it thanks to her.
Even machines can't resist her! It's just normal to fall for Carter, she's like a force of nature.
What's driving me wacko is the reaction I'm getting from both her and Jonas after the mission to Halla. They feel "bad" about betraying Fifth's trust and leaving him behind.
Don't they realize how dangerous bringing him with us would have been? I really hope they don't seriously think that we did the wrong thing, but just in case they do, I'm not touching that subject again. They'll have to just deal with it!
This reminds me of the argument I had with Daniel over Reece. He also got mad at me for destroying her, but he eventually admitted that I'd done the safest thing. This situation is no different.
We can't allow ourselves to think of these creatures as sentient beings. They are machines. They're extremely dangerous technology that would destroy us without a second thought, and I just have to trust that both my teammates will get to see this someday.
We did what we had to do… period!
Sam's Journal - Entry 102
We just returned from an unexpected mission to Halla, the Asgard homeworld. Thor contacted us after we managed to get rid of the hijackers of the Prometheus, to our great relief. At the time we were stranded in space and unable to return home, but Thor towed us back to Earth and transported our unwanted guests back to the SGC.
We were barely recovering from the unexpected hijacking and here we were, headed to another galaxy to face the Replicators in a largely unfinished starship!
The Asgard's most recent plan had involved a time-dilation device that seemed to have malfunctioned, and they couldn't safely reach the planet and try to fix it, so they expected us to do so.
After studying the android Reese, they had discovered a way to signal all Replicators in the universe to come to the evacuated Halla. They had done so, and once they were all there, the time-dilation device was activated, creating a bubble around the planet in which time was slowed down by a factor of 10,000. They had hoped to trap the bugs there long enough for the Asgard to find a way to eliminate them for good. But the Replicators had managed to somehow reverse the time dilation device, allowing time to pass much faster within the bubble.
Thor believed that the Replicators would not be interested in the Prometheus, since they would consider it of inferior technology and not worthy of their attention. So it was up to us to reach the device and try to fix it.
Colonel O'Neill didn't even hesitate in wanting to help, and I, as usual, just followed his lead. General Hammond agreed after a very brief discussion with the President.
I knew the risks involved, as I'm sure Colonel O'Neill and the rest of the team did, but no one said a word about this probably being a suicide mission. I'm also sure that everyone back on Earth thought that the sacrifice of SG-1 was probably worth the gratitude of The Asgard, which is true. But I couldn't help but let some cynical thoughts cross my mind as we traveled to Halla.
I was actually glad that I had no personal life to speak of and that no one would miss me too terribly, except maybe for Cassie and Janet. Not even Dad would dwell on my loss for too long. He has too much to do. Mark and his family, although closer than they were a few years back, are used to not having me around.
But instead of these thoughts making me feel free to proceed with the dangerous mission, they made me feel worthless. Realizing that not many people would miss you if you were gone really puts things into perspective for you.
Anyway, we were able to succeed against all odds. Thor was right about the Replicators ignoring the Prometheus and allowing us to land on Halla. We found the dilation device, and much more.
We found that the Replicators had evolved into sentient beings that looked just like us. They had chosen to take human form because Reece, their creator, had looked human as well.
The one called First had managed to reverse the effect of the dilation device and had created more Replicators like him. They then had tried to correct the "flaw" in Reece's programming and created a more "human" Replicator, Fifth, but they were not pleased with the results.
They considered Fifth flawed because of his emotions, which they considered human weaknesses, and they treated him like a second-class citizen. And, in a way, they were right.
These weaknesses they referred to were what allowed us to complete our mission. Fifth seemed to take a liking to me and wanted to be with us, so I asked him to help us escape and trap the rest of the Replicators in the time bubble.
He agreed eagerly. He obviously resented how his brethren perceived him. But when I informed Colonel O'Neill, he modified the plan by ordering me to fool Fifth so that we could also leave him behind.
I didn't want to do this, but there was no opportunity for me to discuss his orders, so I just obeyed. I lied to Fifth, and we left him behind. We betrayed his trust and used his human emotions to take advantage of him, and I feel horrible about it.
Even though I know that I had no choice in the matter and that, intellectually, it was the correct decision to make, I still feel guilty. I'm just not used to taking advantage of people's feelings like that. It is so callous!
But Colonel O'Neill has no second thoughts about it whatsoever. He doesn't see Fifth as a sentient being. He sees him as a dangerous machine and nothing else, and although Jonas feels as I do, the colonel refuses to discuss the subject further.
Maybe he's right, but I still feel horrible.
Jonas' Journal - Entry 14
The surprising hijacking of the Prometheus resulted in a trip to another galaxy, a wild adventure that I will write about more later, when I'm not so exhausted. As hard as it is to imagine, we faced beings that pose a threat to humanity even greater than the Goa'uld.
These beings are human-like Replicators, and they believe that they're superior to humans. They also believe that they have a nature-given right to rule the universe and do away with other, lesser beings. So we're in huge trouble if they manage to get to our galaxy.
We did what we could to stop them, but they managed to fool the Asgard before, so I wouldn't put it beyond them to do so again. I'm especially concerned about what the one called Fifth would do to us if he ever escaped.
We used his human emotions to betray him, and those same emotions will make him hate us for what we did to him. I imagine he will spend enough time thinking about revenge in that time bubble we trapped him in, so I really, really hope he doesn't ever make it out.
Jack's Journal – Entry 91
Carter has been downright frigid with me lately. I guess she's still upset about me making her lie to Fifth. But since I won't be addressing that subject anytime soon, I guess she'll just have to get over it in due time.
Hammond agreed with my decision. The Asgard couldn't have been happier, not that I could tell by any outward shows of appreciation. But they did say so.
They owe us big this time, and I'm hoping we'll be able to count on them next time the Goa'uld come knocking at our door.
Jonas has been more open about the subject. He came to see me after we returned from our mission to Halla and voiced his concerns about what had happened. He admits that he feels guilty about taking advantage of Fifth's "human" emotions, but that he realizes that we really didn't have a choice but to do what we did. He doesn't really think that we did the wrong thing, but he worries about what would happen if the Replicators escape. Something he said left me cold with dread, although I did my best not to show it.
"Can you imagine what Fifth would do to Major Carter if he made it out of the time-bubble?" he asked me. But of course, I had no answer.
I choose to believe that Fifth and the others will be trapped for thousands of years and that we'll never have to face that awful possibility.
Sam's Journal - Entry 103
Detective Pete Shanahan called me again. This time he's in Colorado Springs for only a couple of days for a training program, but he took the time to call me during his first night here and he asked me out again.
I politely declined. I'm not interested in dating my brother's friend, but I have to admit that I had a good time chatting with him over the phone.
He wasn't offended by my refusal to go out with him when I explained that I preferred not to date someone that already had a relationship with a relative. If things didn't work out, more than one relationship would be affected and more people could get hurt, so I chose not to go there.
He playfully protested that he just wanted to have some fun and that all he wanted was to spend some time with a beautiful woman like me. I couldn't resist and I asked him if he was then just interested in sex.
I could hear him choking at the other end of the line, trying to come up with words to assure me that he had never meant to say that, but my laughter clued him in and he started to laugh as well.
He accused me of having an evil sense of humor. Then he said he loved that, and again begged me to go out with him.
I almost said yes, but something stopped me. I'm not sure what. I just couldn't say yes. So we just chatted a while longer and he promised to call back next time he was in town. He warned me that he wasn't giving up, which was quite flattering.
Detective Shanahan seems like a fun, sensitive, and intelligent man, but there's something that scares me about him. He's almost too… normal for me.
A man like him could never even imagine what I'm involved with. He'd probably run away scared if he knew of some of my experiences. And I don't think I can get involved with someone that can't, at least, have an idea about the importance of my job and how it must take precedence over every other aspect of my life.
But then, most of the men with that kind of clearance are members of the SGC. Needless to say, there aren't many unmarried officers there, and I doubt I could date someone of a lesser rank… at least not successfully.
Men, in general, are too threatened by women's success. I learned that from Jonas. And those few who are available at the SGC don't seem inclined to date me. I haven't received a single invitation from anyone the whole time I've worked there.
Am I that intimidating? What is it about me that turns men off?
Jonas' Journal - Entry 15
Today I finally worked up the nerve to try to talk to Major Carter about her gloominess. What a fiasco! (I love that word… fiasco. I should research where it came from.)
I casually stopped by her lab earlier, after we had had lunch at the mess hall with Teal'c and Colonel O'Neill. She'd been so quiet and serious that I'd decided to act and try to figure out whether there was something I could do to help her feel better.
Colonel O'Neill seemed oblivious to her moods. I knew Teal'c was aware that something was bothering her, but would never say a word about it to her or anyone else. So I'd figured it was up to me.
Major Carter can be like a wall of granite when she chooses to be. She can also be very adept at subterfuge, something I realize as I write these words. Now it is clear to me that she expertly controlled the whole conversation and managed to discourage me from ever attempting to get up close and personal with her without her encouragement.
I stopped by her lab with the excuse of needing some of the X-303 systems design information, which she promptly found and handed over to me. When I remained awkwardly standing there, she asked me if I needed anything else. So I took the plunge and told her that I had hoped that, by now, we could have gotten to know each other better. I then told her that, even though I was still a new member of the team, I had quickly grown fond of her and that I cared about her feelings.
I was actually feeling pretty proud of my smoothly delivered introduction to what I had hopped would be an intimate talk between friends when she looked at me with those wide blue eyes and asked me whether I was hitting on her.
I almost screamed "NO!" but I didn't. Even though that had not been my intention, I could see how she could have misinterpreted my words. So I quickly assured her that I had absolutely no interest in her as a woman — something I hope Colonel O'Neill is absolutely clear about — and that she didn't have to worry about me ever getting any notions about a relationship with her other than just as a teammate and friend.
She then seemed to be taken aback and looked quite offended. "Is anything wrong with me as a woman, Jonas?" she asked, and I could feel how the conversation was deteriorating further and further into a complete disaster.
I, of course, answered that there was nothing wrong with her. So she proceeded to ask me why, then, I had looked so horrified by her joke.
I mentally kicked myself for not realizing that she'd been teasing me, and clumsily tried to explain how beautiful and wonderful I thought she was.
She then told me that I still had not answered her question. By this time I was so flustered that I didn't know what she had asked. When I asked what question she was referring to, Colonel O'Neill answered for her!
"She wants to know why the thought of dating her scares you, Jonas." He'd been standing at the door for who knows how long, listening to me make a fool of myself!
Then I remembered what I'd said to her about being beautiful and wonderful and that the colonel had probably heard every word. Here I was, trying to prove myself worthy of being under his command, and I was hitting on his woman behind his back! At least I know that that's what my behavior could have been interpreted as.
I don't quite recall what I said after that. I know I tried to deny that the idea of dating her would scare me, not that I was interested in dating her, which elicited another offended look from Major Carter and a cold one from the colonel.
I finally ended up excusing myself and running away, leaving the two officers staring at each other in the major's lab, and despite of my panic, I couldn't help but wonder what would transpire between them after I left.
One thing is clear. I'm not attempting any further intimate talks with Major Carter ever again!
If the look Colonel O'Neill gave me as I ran past him at her door is any indication, this is something I would do to the detriment of my own health.
Jack's Journal – Entry 92
Today the tension between my second-in-command and I finally ignited and blew up. I guess it was just a matter of time.
It started innocently enough, with Jonas sticking his foot in his mouth and Carter having a good time at his expense. I had decided to join the fun after the initial shock — and sudden urge to kill the young Kelownan — when I showed up at my second's lab and found him talking to her about his "feelings" for her. But at the end, I left the room wanting to shoot myself instead.
My intention had been to invite Carter to join me for a cup of coffee after work. As irregular as that is for us, I felt we needed to clear the air after the mission to Halla.
She had been acting more and more distant since then, and she had been outright frosty during our last one-to-one meeting.
Last Wednesday we'd met in my office for a couple of hours to complete some performance evaluations that were overdue to Hammond. I had asked for her input weeks ago, but we had been postponing our meeting because neither of us really wanted to be cooped up in a room together for any period of time. But we finally did, and by the time we finished, the air around us could have been sliced with a knife.
She didn't look me in the eye more than twice during the whole time, and she practically ran out of the room when I thanked her and told her we were done.
When I stopped by her lab after lunch today, I could hear Jonas talking to her in a rather intimate tone, and my instinctive reaction was to get angry. Then I remembered that I had no right to be angry. Carter has a right to have an intimate conversation with whomever she pleases, but I was annoyed anyway.
I stood by the door, out of sight, and listened. I shouldn't have, but I did, in part to get hold of myself before I made my presence known.
Then I heard her ask Jonas if he was hitting on her, and I could tell by the tone of her voice that she was pulling his leg. But Jonas doesn't know her that well yet, and he about crapped in his pants, backpedaling like crazy.
At that moment, I wished I could have seen the evil glint in her eyes, but I stayed out of sight. And I gotta admit that, despite my irritation toward Jonas, I almost burst out laughing when she asked him if there was something wrong with her as a woman.
He sounded scared! He thought he had offended her. So then he started telling her how beautiful and wonderful she was, and how any man would be lucky to have her attention. And I felt like strangling him again.
Even though I had never caught Jonas looking at Carter that way, I wanted to be able to see his face to make sure that he really isn't interested in her. My stomach was churning like mad, and I could feel myself getting more and more pissed by the second, so I decided to walk in and end the conversation.
She had asked him why he had looked so horrified at the thought of dating her, and she was still demanding an answer. So I repeated the question to him as I stepped in and stood there, by the door, waiting for him to respond.
He tried to deny that he had been scared by the thought. Then he started to say that, on the contrary, he would be flattered if… but then he caught himself again when he looked at me, and said something about the mountain of work he still had to go through and how he'd be spending the next few days buried in his office.
He departed in a hurry and I was left there, standing by the door and staring at Carter, trying to determine how she really felt about Jonas' words.
Had she just been teasing him or had she been flirting with him? And this possibility made me see red.
To make matters worse, for the first time I couldn't tell what she was thinking, and this made me even angrier. The thought of her maybe being interested in a young, brilliant man that could be my son made me taste bile.
I stared at her for a long time, and she just stared back, waiting for me to say something. So I did. I told her she'd never have a life if she kept scaring off her suitors. Not the nicest thing I could have said given the black widow comments she has been subjected to, I know, but I was pissed. And I managed to piss her off as well.
So she told me, "with all due respect," to mind my own business and to stop eavesdropping on her personal conversations.
I felt like telling her that it WAS my business. But, of course, I couldn't say that. So I said — with all the nastiness I'm capable of — that I would, since I really couldn't care less whether she dated or not.
I wanted to take those words back as soon as I said them. The hurt look on her face was enough to make me wish I were dead. She whispered that she knew that, and I could swear she was about to cry.
Man, I'm such a beast! Why can't I control my tongue when I'm riled up? I always end up hurting someone. And the last person I want to hurt is Carter. But I did. I know I did. And now I don't know what to do about it.
She didn't cry. She looked away and asked if I needed anything. But I couldn't tell her I wanted to talk to her.
I knew the last thing she'd want to do was spend some alone time with me talking about feelings and trying to "clear the air." Not after my asinine comment. So I told her that I had forgotten why I had stopped by, that I was sorry for butting into her conversation, and that I'd be seeing her later.
I ran like the coward I am. And I left her thinking that I really don't care about her.
What an ass!
Sam's Journal - Entry 104
I hate him! Sometimes I wish I could just walk away and not have to see him again, EVER! Sometimes I wish he weren't my CO so that I could tell him what a cruel bastard he is and where he can go with his nasty comments and his devil-may-care attitude. Sometimes I wish I could kick his ass! Like today.
He didn't only snoop around and listened in on a personal conversation between Jonas and me, but then said something that is still ringing in my ears. He said that he didn't care whether I dated or not. And I felt like he had slapped me.
I don't know why that comment hit me so hard. I should be okay with the fact that there's nothing between us and that there's no hope that there ever will be. But the way he said it… with such disgust and meanness. Why? It felt like he meant to hurt me. And he did.
As much as I try to ignore him, and as many times as I've decided that Jack O'Neill is not for me to have, I keep letting him hurt me. It's like he is this huge soft spot inside me, and I can't harden my feelings enough to protect myself from him.
I spend months carefully building my defenses, and then all he has to do is get hurt or lost and I go berserk with anguish and worry, back to square one, wide open and vulnerable to his careless words and actions.
What I should do is go ahead and date, even if it's just to distract my thoughts away from him. It doesn't matter if I can't get serious with anyone. Going out for a drink, a movie, or just some frivolous conversation would probably be beneficial. At least it would look like I'm getting a life and he wouldn't be able to accuse me of scaring off my suitors… or killing them off… whatever.
Maybe next time Detective Shanahan calls I should be more receptive.
Jonas' Journal - Entry 16
I'm relieved to say that I'm not schizophrenic (I hope I'm spelling that right.) It turns out the bugs I was seeing were not in my head. For a while there I thought I would end up being Dr. Kieran's roommate.
I guess the bugs have always been there, living beside us but in another dimension. The Ancient artifact we discovered during our last mission just made us able to see them. The problem is that the ability spreads like a virus, transmitted by contact. By the time we realized it, it had spread outside the SGC.
It took some effort to contain it, but we managed to do so. Major Carter figured out how to reverse the effect of the artifact and this solved the problem.
Trying to contain the spread of the effect was a little tricky for a while. She and I even had to pose as a couple and lie to a little old lady in order to find her nephew, who was very cunningly eluding our efforts to catch him and "fix" him.
When we were sitting there, talking to his aunt, and she assumed that we were a couple, memories of my ill-fated conversation with Major Carter rushed back and I almost jumped out of my seat to correct her. But the major quickly took my hand in hers and let the woman believe that we were together.
It took me quite by surprise, but I followed her lead and held her hand with both of mine, like a devoted lover. And then I was even more surprised to find that I liked her hand in mine, that we would actually make a nice, well-suited couple. Then it occurred to me that there really were no military regulations that would prevent me from pursuing something with the beautiful woman by my side if I wanted to.
I was sitting there, with an idiotic smile on my face and remembering her sweet apology earlier for not believing me when I told them I was seeing the bugs, when I realized that the major had gathered the little information Vernon's grandmother could give us and was starting to get up.
She threw me a puzzled look when we started to leave, and then I realized that I had reached for her hand again. I let go right away, embarrassed and a little worried about what she would say to me later, but she just winked at me and smiled.
That wink-and-smile combination is deadly. I felt like she had suddenly kissed me! I also felt quite relieved, and I smiled back, thinking that I really could get used to spending some more time with Major Carter. Then I remembered Colonel O'Neill, and I felt like I had been dumped on ice water.
I remembered that these were feelings I really could not pursue. Not only would I be betraying the colonel's trust and biting the hand that feeds me, but I think I would probably put my life in danger.
That's one man I really, really do not want to cross.
Jack's Journal – Entry 93
Well, I managed to make it here. After all the hoop-la with the alien bugs and the runaway Vernon, everything ended up being okay. Carter fixed everything, as usual, and I was able to come to the cabin for a much-needed rest.
It had been a while since I'd come, and it's still as soothing and peaceful as I remembered, but something keeps bugging me. That something, of course, is my relationship with my second-in-command.
A lot has happened during the past few months. The truth is that the whole team needs rest desperately. But try to tell that to a workaholic brainiac and a mosquito-averse Jaffa. I invited them both and they both said no.
I didn't invite Jonas. I'm not quite there with our new teammate yet.
Teal'c was actually diplomatic about it when he said no. But Carter turned me down without hesitation. This time she didn't even seem tempted to say yes, even though I had tried to apologize to her earlier.
The day I left the base, the four of us were eating lunch before my departure, and I just had to try to mend fences before I took off, so I asked her to stay at the table for a moment when Jonas and Teal'c started to leave.
They both gave me a strange look, but made themselves scarce, and Carter didn't look happy at all at having to stay and talk to me, but she did.
I know I hurt her feelings and that I'm a stupid S.O.B. But I had been trying to be extra nice to her during the past few days.
I know she had noticed because she had been giving me some very confused looks lately, as if trying to figure out what had gotten into me. But she had continued to tense up in my presence, look away when I spoke to her, and limit her responses to "yes, Sir," and "no, Sir." I know I deserved no better, but I just couldn't take it anymore.
I told her that I was sorry. I didn't know what else to say. So I just sat there, looking at her sitting very stiff across from me and wishing she would look at me. And I saw a glimmer of hope when she finally did. Her blue eyes finally met mine and stayed.
I then reminded her that she'd always known that I'm a mean, stupid S.O.B., hoping that she would at least smile, but she just said, "Yes, Sir." Then I realized that she had just agreed with me, and I felt a little insulted.
I couldn't help it. I smiled at her. The little witch was giving it to me, but I knew I deserved it. So I added that I was not only mean and stupid, but bad-tempered and jealous as well, hoping that she would understand what I was really trying to say and would try to forgive me.
Her blue eyes got rounder and she looked like she was about to say something, but then she seemed to change her mind and looked away again. She then asked me if there was anything else, so I had to say no.
She just stood, told me she'd see me later, turned around and walked away, leaving me still feeling guilty and depressed. And still, despite her refusal to forgive me, I tried again.
Right before I was leaving for vacation, I invited her to come along. We were by the elevators, and she must have known that it was a last ditch attempt to mend things, but she said she had to work on that device we'd gotten.
Of course she didn't HAVE to. She wanted to. But she even accused me of only inviting her because I knew that she had work to do. And the worst part is that I think she really believed that I was inviting her out of obligation, when the truth is that I was hoping that we'd have a chance to talk.
I did know she'd say no, but I had to make it a point to ask her again. I hadn't invited her fishing for a long time, and I knew that my attempt at apologizing had fallen short of the mark.
I don't know what else to do. I said I was sorry, and that's huge for me, but I guess I really managed to destroy our friendship this time.
Sam's Journal - Entry 105
The colonel is gone. He's been gone for a few days already.
I've gotten a lot of work done and now I'm home, taking the rest of the week off and catching up with the gardening I haven't done during the whole summer. And I just realized that the whole time that I'd been examining artifacts, writing reports, helping Siler with the MALP upgrades, running diagnostics on the different SGC systems, and assisting the other scientists with their experiments, I'd been thinking about him.
I still can't stop thinking about him for more than a few minutes, whether I'm weeding, sweeping my patio, planting little flowers — that will never survive because I'm never here to water them — or going for a run.
His words still reverberate in my ears. "I'm also a bad-tempered, jealous man," he said. I was surprised by his apology, but I was even more surprised by those words, and I didn't know how to react.
My first gut reaction was to say something to acknowledge his confession, because I know what he was trying to tell me. He was confessing to still having feelings for me. He still feels some of those feelings we left locked up in that room so long ago. Just as I do.
But so what?! Why even bother to admit it? Why try to bring that up now? Why invite me to his cabin when he knows I can't be alone with him? Now he just does it out of habit. Or maybe he does it to bug me.
We turned away from that path a long time ago. We just can't walk it together. There is no hope. The war continues, and we'll probably fall in battle before it's over.
All we have is the team. We have each other to rely on when we are out there, fighting aliens and solving the unsolvable. But we don't have each other here, when we're home. The things that we need from those we love and hold dear are not allowed for us to share.
No wonder I prefer to be at work, immersed in my experiments and alien artifacts. At least I don't feel alone there.
Jonas' Journal - Entry 17
Today Colonel O'Neill was arrested for murder!
They claim that he was the one who shot and killed Senator Kinsey. They even have video footage from a surveillance camera that shows the colonel leaving the place from where the shot came from. But we all know that he's being framed. Someone must have known about the bad blood between the two men, and they are using this to hurt the colonel.
Major Carter is extremely upset, but is trying very hard to keep a cool head. She's attacking this as another mission, determined to prove that the colonel is innocent. And General Hammond has given us time and resources to conduct an investigation and try to help our CO.
Here is one more opportunity to prove my worth to the team. If I do a good job and help exonerate the colonel, maybe he'll be more willing to fully accept me. I know he'll never forget Dr. Jackson, but maybe he'll finally allow me my own place in his team and not resent me for it.
As difficult as he's been to deal with sometimes, I do appreciate the man for his awesome leadership abilities and his command experience. I don't think I had ever felt so determined to prove myself to anyone before. And I don't only feel this way because I want to feel secure in my position. I realize that I feel this way because I want his approval… and maybe his forgiveness.
Colonel O'Neill is many things, good and bad. He's the most admired officer at the SGC. He's also the most feared, maybe because of his lethal reputation, but I tend to thinks it's because of his infamous explosive personality. I've seen soldiers quake in their boots under one of his hot glares. When the man is in a bad mood, which is often, watch out!
People stare at him when he's not looking, but I don't think he misses anything. He knows that people watch his every move and are in awe of him. The colonel is friendly with those who dare to greet him, but rather aloof in general. The only times I see any warmth on his face is when he's talking with General Hammond, Walter, Siler, Teal'c and, of course, Major Carter. The rest of the time his expression shows boredom or, occasionally, anger. These are the times when people scurry away from him like scared rabbits.
Now that I'm more familiar and even friendly with some of the personnel around here, people talk more freely about my teammates in my presence. They have even asked me how I feel being part of the elite team, Hammond's darlings. And I've been candid and answered that I still feel like the new kid on the block, but that I have huge respect for all my teammates, especially Colonel O'Neill, and that I'm still trying to prove myself.
Many roll their eyes and nod, as if heartily agreeing with and feeling sorry for me. Others have laughed and said, "Good luck!" or "Break a leg!" I still don't know what "break a leg" means, so I'll have to ask Major Carter one of these days. Teal'c has no clue, either.
Colonel Reynolds offered helpful advice the other day. He told me that I should not try to impress the colonel and to just be myself; that he hates it when people try to show off or win him over with adulation. He also told me that, if I gained Colonel O'Neill's trust, to feel privileged and not to ever break it.
I thanked him, of course, but I had already figured that out, and I've been trying to be less eager and take things one step at a time. This does not mean, though, that I can't get excited when an opportunity presents itself to make a contribution. I can't help that!
Going back to my team's obviously golden reputation, some of the personnel have tried to find out "inside" information. One of the ladies I've been casually flirting with, Lt. Vicky Cruz, actually asked me if there was a romantic relationship between Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter.
I was so shocked by the question that I actually froze for a few moments, and when I turned to look at her, she was looking pale and quite alarmed.
She tried to take the question back and asked me to forget about it, but I realized that, if I allowed that, she'd assume that I was hiding something. So I chose to answer the question without lying.
I told her that I had never seen or heard the two officers behave in any other than a completely professional manner, and that such rumors, in my opinion, were unfair and detrimental to the base's morale.
Lt. Cruz profusely apologized for asking, but then admitted that she actually liked and admired the two officers very much, that she thought they made a beautiful and perfectly suited couple, and that it was a shame that they couldn't be together even if they wanted to. She also shared that everyone she had ever talked to about this particular rumor felt the same way. Everyone understood the reasons for the non-fraternization rules, but wished they didn't exist.
I chose not to comment further, saying something like, "It's understandable," or something like that. Lt. Cruz is extremely attractive, a voluptuous and sexy woman, but I think I better stop flirting with this particular soldier. I think I need to make clear that I don't appreciate this kind of talk and that my loyalties belong to my team.
I definitely don't want people to think that they can get private information out of me. This would seriously undermine the trust I'm trying to gain from my teammates.
Sam's Journal - Entry 106
I knew that Colonel O'Neill was innocent. And I knew it before I found the fake mimic devices at Area 51. I even knew it before Agent Barrett confirmed that there was a rogue group within the NID that wanted Kinsey dead.
The moment my CO denied having anything to do with Kinsey's death, I believed him, and even seeing his image in that surveillance video didn't shake my firm belief that this was all a set up.
I told Agent Barrett that, when you worked with someone, you knew whether you could trust him. But I lied. That's not the only reason I was so convinced of Colonel O'Neill's innocence. That wasn't all of it by far.
Part of it was that I had looked into my CO's eyes, face to face, and I'd seen the truth. He'd had nothing at all to do with Kinsey's assassination attempt and he was sincerely shocked by the accusation. But the main reason was that I had just known it in my heart before I had ever spoken to him, and not because we worked together, but because of my feelings for him.
When I went to meet with him, before I went to Washington, and told him about the stolen mimic devices, he didn't seem too excited by my discovery, which surprised me. He was still annoyed at being confined. But sitting there, across from him, I realized that he just wasn't really that worried anymore. He just knew that we would come through for him and clear his name. He just knew that I would do the impossible to achieve that.
At the same time that I felt proud of his confidence in me, I also felt terribly burdened. I even felt a little annoyed that he still takes me for granted. He just lays back and waits for me to perform miracles, not batting an eye, and at the end doesn't even bother to say "thank you."
It's just part of my job description. "Save Colonel O'Neill's ass" is bullet number one on my list of duties and responsibilities.
I don't know why I'm irritated. I AM happy that he's free, definitely. But I'm still bothered. And I think it's because all the bull I gave Agent Barrett about blindly trusting a teammate made me feel like a hypocrite.
But how could I have explained that I knew Jack was innocent because I felt it in my heart? Because I intimately know the man that Jack O'Neill is? And how would I have explained why I know him so well?
Open that teeming can of worms and I'd be eaten alive before I could say "court martial!"
Anyway, the point is that, as capable as he is of doing anything necessary to protect his planet, Jack would never stoop to murder a man in cold blood and then deny doing it.
I know Jack O'Neill. He might not lend a hand to men like Kinsey if he found them hanging over a precipice, but he'd never go and push them over to make them fall. He'd close the iris on his face, like he did to Alar, and never bat an eye if he thought the man had to be eliminated in order to protect the world, but he'd never deny or apologize for doing it.
I know. I've already seen that particular scenario.
Jack's Journal – Entry 94
Carter did it again, as I knew she would. The moment she came to see me and I realized that she was on the case, I could feel all the tension leave my body. I guess I have that much faith in her abilities.
I'm grateful for my CO's support as well. He allowed my team to investigate Kinsey's assassination and to prove that I had been fishing, as I had assured everyone, not assassinating a government official.
I'm a little puzzled, however, by the pissy attitude of my major. I thought she'd be feeling rather satisfied with her work and happy that she could prove that her CO was not a murderer, but she's acting as if I deserved to be kept in jail.
When I thanked her today and joked that, if she had come with me to the cabin when I had invited her, I would have had an alibi, she huffed, rolled her eyes at me, and then stomped away.
By Teal'c and Jonas' expressions I could tell that they were as baffled as I was. Maybe she's just being hormonal. I'm sure it will pass.
Jonas' Journal - Entry 18
Colonel O'Neill is missing again! It seems like it was yesterday that we were desperately trying to figure out where Kanan had taken him. Now he's disappeared with former Colonel Maybourne, and we're having a very hard time figuring out how to get them back.
It's been ten days since he disappeared through that alien doorway, and Major Carter kind of lost it a few days ago with Doctor Lee. One of the soldiers present commented that he could actually see smoke coming out of her ears when the scientist refused to continue working on the doorway's technology.
When she returned to the SGC she went directly to General Hammond's office, and I asked Teal'c what had happened, which he related in very few words. I had never seen her so angry before, and I know that the reasons for that anger are fear and frustration. I've seen the tension and the dread in her eyes steadily increase every day that the colonel has been gone.
The Tok'ra tried to help, but they didn't find any signs of human life anywhere on that planet. If the doorway doesn't lead to another location within the same world, where does it lead? This is the question that is driving all of us crazy.
Now that I've been part of the team for a longer time and gotten to know my teammates better, I realize the vacuum Major Carter, Teal'c, General Hammond, and maybe everyone else at the base feel when Colonel O'Neill is gone. He's the engine that keeps this whole machinery running — and sometimes roaring. Now that engine is just humming, quietly subdued and restrained, waiting for him to come home.
Missions continue and everyone goes about their work as usual, but a pall has fallen over the base, and it will not go away until we find our CO again.
Sam's Journal - Entry 107
I'm losing it. I thought I was beyond this kind of reaction, but I guess I was sadly mistaken. I had deluded myself into thinking that I really didn't care anymore, that I could go on and be happy without Jack in my life, that I had it in me to ignore him. And all it takes is for him to disappear again and I'm back to square one, missing him, loving him, fearing for him, and dreading not to ever seeing him again.
A couple of weeks ago I bit Dr. Lee's head off when he decided that he was done investigating the doorway. I couldn't believe that he wasn't willing to stay and keep at it! I couldn't believe that everyone around me wasn't as desperate as I felt! And I wanted to hit him, grab him and force him to stay until we succeeded in finding the colonel. Now I realize that I was not being completely rational, and this scares me.
General Hammond tried to make me go home and rest. I guess Dr. Lee complained about me. The general told me that I was functioning on adrenaline alone, and that I was going to make myself sick.
I denied it, of course, and refused to go home, but I agreed to get enough rest on base quarters. Going home is not an option yet, and General Hammond was wise and kind enough to understand, so he allowed me to stay.
Janet understands as well. Even though I didn't say anything about not being able to sleep, she showed up in my lab and gave me some sleeping pills. She didn't say a word, she just set the little bottle on my workbench with a small, sympathetic smile, and left. God bless her! I can't talk to her about my feelings, but she somehow knows.
How pathetic am I? Yesterday, to top it all, Teal'c caught me crying my eyeballs out in the locker room.
Everyone was gone and it was very late, so I allowed myself the luxury of giving in to the tears that had been threatening for weeks and that only anger and pride had prevented. I was crying like a lost little girl, feeling like the female I truly am, a woman grieving for her lost love. And I never even have had that love to begin with! That's the most pathetic part of all this!
But I couldn't admit this to Teal'c. So I gave him some bull about losing another teammate so soon after losing Daniel. I don't know if he truly believed me, but he was very sweet and supportive.
He didn't say much, but his strong arms around me, holding me while I cried on his shoulder, encouraged me to let go and cry without making me feel weak or ashamed for even a second. He hugged me for a long, long time, until I stopped crying and pulled away. Then I thanked him for being there for me, and, before I could break down again, I excused myself and went to my quarters. I cried myself to sleep after downing two of the sleeping pills Janet had given me.
I feel like I'm falling apart. I'm at my wits' end. I just don't know where else to look! And General Hammond is talking about replacing the colonel.
When he told me, the look on my face must have been telling because he was quick to reassure me that it was only until we recovered Colonel O'Neill, and that we were not giving up on the search. I, of course, just accepted his decision and said nothing. I couldn't say a word without bursting into tears, anyway. So I said, "Yes, Sir," and fled down the hallway as soon as I could.
This impossible situation with my CO is tearing me apart. There's no good coming out of it and it devastates me on a regular basis, this hopeless love for my commander. I have to get over these feelings. I have to at least try!
Okay, I have to try harder, because I HAVE tried! I can't allow this frustrating and detrimental state of affairs to continue!
But first we need to find him. I know we will. We'll find a way.
Jonas' Journal - Entry 19
We found the colonel!
Well, I should say, Major Carter found the Colonel. It just came to her, looking at one of the images we had captured of the planet's sky. I could almost hear the "clunk!" of her brain when it fixated on the solution.
The two colonels had been stuck on the planet's moon the whole time, not on the planet's surface. And none of us had thought to look there. Colonel O'Neill was injured but all right. And, as Major Carter had assured us he would, he had survived just fine without supplies on an alien world for more than three weeks.
Minutes after she realized where they were, we contacted the Tok'ra and, within the hour, they picked us up on the planet and transported us to the moon, every one of us holding our breaths with the hope that Major Carter was right and that the two colonels would be all right, waiting for us.
On the way there, Teal'c was quiet as a mountain and watching everyone carefully, but I noticed he was paying special attention to the major. He seemed to be concerned.
When I took him aside and asked him about it, he just said, "As everyone else, I hope that Major Carter is correct in her assumption that Colonel O'Neill is alive and well on this moon. If this is not the case, it will be up to us to offer support to our teammate afterwards."
I then realized that I wasn't the only one that had been aware of Major Carter's increasing agitation over Colonel O'Neill's disappearance and about what this was doing to her. But Teal'c's warning also informed me that her anguish was probably worse than I had imagined. Something must have happened that Teal'c was aware of for him to have been so blunt about Major Carter's distress.
I then crossed my fingers — both hands — and fervently wished that we wouldn't have to find out how she would handle another frustrating disappointment. If I were a religious man, I would have been praying, but since I'm not, I just hoped. And I almost sank to my knees with relief when Major Carter shouted from the front of the ship that she could detect two human life signs on the moon's surface.
I turned to look at Teal'c and we both exchanged meaningful looks. He nodded at me, and then he actually smiled. It wasn't a small, guarded smile. It was a wide, happy smile I had never seen on that face before. And I couldn't help but grin like an idiot from that moment until we all ran out of the ship and met a filthy, stinking colonel standing patiently in the middle of a ruined little village with Colonel Maybourne lying at his feet.
"Well, it's about time!" he yelled at us as we ran toward him. I was still grinning like an idiot, of course, and Teal'c asked the colonel if he was all right. I was already on my knees, tending to Colonel Maybourne, when I realized that the colonel had not answered him. When I looked up, I saw that he was staring at a frozen Major Carter, who was standing just a few feet behind Teal'c.
The look they were exchanging at that moment said it all. If I had been clueless about how they truly feel about each other, I would have found out then. She was on the verge of tears, her eyes bright and very blue, fixed on his face. But what I saw in Colonel O'Neill's face I had never seen before.
The man that could turn you to stone with one dark look and that could kill you without batting an eye is, incredibly, capable of giving someone an openly tender, loving look. It was… humbling… to see these two tough soldiers look so openly vulnerable. But the moment passed, and the colonel's usual sense of humor punched through and brought them both back to reality.
He joked about stinking to high heaven, but that she didn't have to make it so obvious, evidently referring to the distance between them. Then he proceeded to ask her for a change of clothes and a bar of soap, instructed the Tok'ra men and us to look after Colonel Maybourne, and headed toward the ship, leading a very quiet Major Carter.
If the two Tok'ra men noticed anything, they never gave us a hint, but Teal'c and I just looked at each other and silently agreed that we would give the two officers a few minutes of privacy before we moved Colonel Maybourne to the tel'tak. We got busy tending his wounds right then and there.
When we finally came aboard, Major Carter was quietly sitting in the pilot's seat, calm and collected, but I could tell that she had been crying. She avoided looking at us and didn't even turn around when the colonel came out of the bathroom, freshly scrubbed and wearing a new set of BDUs.
He glanced at her stiff back, thanked us for coming to get him, and then announced that he was going to lay down for a while.
Teal'c and I exchanged another look, but neither dared to say a word. Something had transpired between the two officers, but whether it was good or bad, it was hard to tell.
All I know is that the two colonels are now sleeping in the infirmary, Major Carter went home to rest, and Teal'c is locked up in his room kelnoreeming, I assume.
Whether things will continue on as usual once the colonel is released for duty, we will see.
Sam's Journal - Entry 108
We found them, and the colonel was alive and well, as I had hoped… as we all had hoped. He was injured, but it really is nothing to worry about.
Colonel Maybourne was injured worse, but he'll survive. Tapel, of the Tok'ra, used a healing device to help him even before we got him to the infirmary.
The colonel had shot him, and, for a fleeting moment, I almost wished he had killed him. What we all have gone through is entirely his fault. But the colonel said something about the Tok'ra possibly finding a planet where Maybourne could live and where we knew what he was up to and find him if we needed him. If I never see the guy again in my life it will be too soon.
From the moment I figured out where the colonel was, to the moment we ran out of that ship to find both he and Maybourne in the middle of what remained of an ancient village, everything is a blur in my mind. Now I realize that I was in some kind of shock, probably high on adrenaline, until it suddenly deserted me as I stood there, on that alien moon, facing the man I had despaired of ever seeing again.
I couldn't believe I was really there, just a few feet away from him. It seemed like a dream.
His face was thinner, darker and haggard, tired and dirty, with days-old whiskers on his cheeks. He said something about stinking up to high heaven, but I couldn't smell a thing. I couldn't even quite understand what he had said.
There was this pulsing, wave-like roar in my ears, and I was concentrating on making my heart slow down and my throat swallow the lump that was suddenly stuck there, preventing me from breathing properly.
He started to walk toward the ship, asking for soap and clothes, and I automatically followed him, trying to recall where we'd put those supplies but unable to remember, too preoccupied with putting one foot in front of another as I blindly followed my CO.
Then, before I knew it, we were inside the tel'tak, heading toward the cargo bay and the lavatory. He suddenly stopped and turned to face me, staring at me with those dark, intense eyes I had missed so much… and that was when I broke down.
I just started to cry, standing there like an idiot, not able to say a word. I covered my mouth with my hands, trying to contain the sobs, but I couldn't. I was terribly mortified by my lack of control and I closed my eyes, shrinking in shame and trying to disappear into thin air, until I felt his arms around me.
He hugged me tight and I buried my face in his neck, weeping like a child while he hushed me and rocked me, stroking my back and my hair like no one had done since my mother. I felt so… safe.
But I was also terrified of having the others walk in on us and find us like this, holding onto each other, so I somehow managed to make the tears stop, swallowed hard and slowly pulled away. I was still so embarrassed that I didn't want to look at him, so I kept my eyes on his dirty boots while I wiped my cheeks.
He just stood there, waiting for me to compose myself, and when I finally looked at him, I was stunned by what I saw. There was such yearning and love in those dark brown eyes, such tenderness and compassion that I almost walked into his arms again. Almost. But I remembered that we couldn't give in to our feelings, and I forced myself to take another step back.
It finally came to me where I had put his change of clothes and the toiletries we had brought along, and I turned around to grab them, but, as I handed them to him our hands brushed and his fingers grasped mine… and held on.
I was forced to look at his face, and I was shocked again when I saw deep disappointment and sadness. I almost gave in!
I wanted so badly to hug him again, to feel him breathing and warm in my arms, to make sure that he wasn't a dream! But I held on to my wits and shook my head at him, reminding him that nothing had changed, that we still couldn't be together, and his fingers finally released mine.
He dropped his eyes to the floor and nodded. I knew he was disillusioned, but he accepted the situation, and he turned around and entered the bathroom, closing the door behind him.
I just stood there for a couple of minutes, terribly tempted to open that door and join him in there, to forget about regulations and about court-martials. But I couldn't move.
The same old fears still ruled me. I still feared losing my career, disappointing General Hammond and my father, and facing the other consequences of breaking the rules. So I eventually moved over to the cockpit and sat down, trying to compose myself enough before the others joined us. And then I realized that we had not said a word to each other. Not even "hello."
We kept our distance during the trip to the planet and then through the wormhole to Earth. I went through the motions of thanking the Tok'ra, sending my love to Dad, and reporting to General Hammond when we returned. I went through a quick check-up at the infirmary, where Janet kept giving me odd looks but refrained from asking anything while she took care of Colonel Maybourne, and, as soon as I could, I escaped and went home.
And here I've been ever since, only talking to General Hammond over the phone. We've all been given time off to rest and unwind.
Colonel O'Neill was released but needs to fully recuperate from his wound, and I've been told to properly rest or be confined to the infirmary. Janet stopped by yesterday to make sure I still had enough sleeping pills, and finally tried to "talk."
I, of course, insisted that there was nothing to talk about. I told her that, now that our CO had been recovered, I could rest and that I would not even need the sleeping pills. I promised her that I would do no work for a few days and that I would eat three balanced meals a day.
Janet is a perceptive woman. She understood right away that there was no way I could talk about what was really bothering me. She has to know that I'm trying to avoid putting her in a difficult position, but it was sweet that she was willing to be there for me.
Still, no one can share this burden with me. The only one that is doing so, quietly inside his home and probably drinking beer instead of downing sleeping pills, is Colonel O'Neill. And knowing that he's probably thinking of our dilemma makes me feel a little better.
At least I'm not completely alone in this.
Jack's Journal – Entry 95
I gotta try this writing thing again. I'm going nuts thinking about her, and if I don't spill my thoughts I'll probably do something stupid, like driving over to her house and knocking on her door.
She'd never forgive me. She clearly isn't ready to break regulations, no matter how she feels about me.
And now I do know how she feels. I had had doubts lately. At times it seemed like she barely tolerated me. I had thought that she had stopped loving me, and that she didn't want anything to do with me anymore. But her actions when she found me told me otherwise.
She still loves me! And as frustrated as I am about us not being able to do anything about it, I'm elated and relieved. I feel like going to her house, kicking her door open and confronting her. I feel like taking her into my arms and kissing her senseless until there's no resistance left. And I feel like finally indulging my fantasies and making love to her, the way I've done a million times in my head, fast and wildly, then slowly and lovingly, until we're both so tired and sated that we pass out.
But, of course, I can't do any of that. I have to continue to wait and see what happens. I have to continue to fight the endless war against the Goa'uld and hope that we get to a point when Carter and I can finally be together.
That's what she wants. And I'll always abide by what she wants. She rules my heart and soul, even if I'm supposed to be her commander. She sets the pace and the boundaries and I submit, because I love her and because the last thing I'll ever do is hurt her again. I've hurt her enough already, and I'll never do it again. Not intentionally.
It's enough that she suffers when I get injured or disappear. It broke my heart and wiped out my defenses to watch her cry on the ship. I felt like something was cracking and crumbling inside me. And all I could do was hold her while she cried. I couldn't even tell her how much I had missed her.
I knew that she didn't want words, that she couldn't handle them at the moment. So I just hugged her and stroked her, as Daniel would if he were with us, as a close friend. And when she had enough, she let me go and became the controlled, resilient Major Carter we all know and admire.
I watched her carefully start to rebuild the wall between us again, and I panicked. I took her hand and begged, not with words, but with one look that I know she understood. But even as I pathetically broke and begged with my eyes, she still held firm to her decision to stick to the regulations.
God knows that I would have tossed them aside in a New York minute for her, right there and then. I would have done anything she wanted just to be with her. But she's not ready. Not yet. And I have to keep reminding myself that I have to wait until she is. Because I love her.
What an unfair, sad, frustrating mess! When is this going to end? When will we be able to say the words and not feel guilty about it? Will I die before I can get to know what's like to lose myself inside her? Will the Goa'uld steal our future from us and prevent us from waking up next to each other every morning, from seeing ourselves in our children, from growing old together?
God, what a sap! I never realized I could sound like a girl! I just read what I wrote and feel like shooting myself… or getting stinkin' drunk. That would be more like me.
But I guess love does this to you. It strips you of armors and walls and leaves you naked and vulnerable to pain. And the worst part is that you'd rather feel that pain, hold on to it and revel in it, than let it go. Because the alternative is not to feel that love at all, and that's just so much worse!
Jonas' Journal - Entry 20
Our mission is certainly interesting. Some would say it's outrageous, dangerous, and even impossible, but still fascinating. We're faced with some new challenge practically every time we go through that gate, get within a hair's breath to losing our lives on a regular basis, and still none of us hesitate to gear up and march up that ramp every time. Because it's so darn inspiring, and I guess because we're all adventurers at heart.
This time we had our DNA analyzed, scrambled and put together again. Poor Major Carter almost died because of it, like the unfortunate Russian colonel did. I, however, came out surprisingly unaffected.
Niirti said something about my DNA being different… superior even, but I don't know whether to believe her. In any case, I have felt no ill effects, while Major Carter had to be rushed to the machine again before she literally melted away.
Colonel O'Neill never made it to the machine. His stubborn streak and compelling charisma came through for us again. He convinced our new alien friends to read Niirti's thoughts and see the truth, and that was enough to convince them. They turned against her, killed her, and freed us.
Now we're helping them survive, pick up the few pieces that are left of their community, and start anew. It will be a long struggle, but they are alive and free of the Goa'uld that had been victimizing them. That's more than millions of other humans in other worlds can claim.
Niirti tried to seduce me into joining her, but I wasn't tempted for a second. Not only did I find her distasteful; I could also tell that she just wanted to use me for her own benefit. I would have become her next host the moment she had tweaked my DNA to her desired goal. I wonder if the Goa'uld really believe humans to be that stupid or naïve.
Well, it was another day at the office for SG-1 — another amusing Tau'ri saying — and we all survived. I can't wait to see what happens during our next mission.
Jack's Journal – Entry 96
I almost lost Carter today. My blood runs cold when I remember how close she came to dying in that uncomfortable, dank cell, just like the poor Russian colonel did. I still don't like the Russians being here, but I really wish we could have saved their team and brought them home alive. They were good soldiers.
Carter barely made it. When Eggar found out that I was telling them the truth and Wodan killed Niirti, I thought I was going to puke from shock. All I could think was that Carter had no hope of surviving without the bitch Goa'uld to reverse what she'd done to her.
Thankfully, Wodan was quick to reassure me and, before I knew it, I was back in the cell, rushing to a semi-conscious and soaking wet Carter. She'd been slowly but surely dying.
When I picked her up, she could barely open her eyes and whisper "Sir." She felt so light in my arms as I ran up the stairs! I didn't even feel my knee protesting until afterwards, when I saw her back to normal and knew that she would survive. Then the damn knee started to throb like hell! But I was so relieved that I hardly paid it any attention.
Every time this happens — every time one of us almost dies in the line on duty — I feel like going up to Carter and begging her to forget about regulations and allow us to be together. And every time I eventually calm down and decide to continue to respect her wishes.
Even now that she seems to be more relaxed and open around me, she's still keeping the barriers firmly in place. She touches me more since I came back from Maybourne's paradise moon. She sits next to me again and looks me in the eye when we chat. She laughs again at my jokes, and she even rested her head on my shoulder in the cell when I suggested that she rest… just as Thera used to.
It surprised me, but it filled me with such tenderness that I had to clasp my hands to refrain from touching her. And despite these changes, she still unfailingly calls me "Sir" and follows my commands like a good little soldier.
I wish she would just challenge me again. I wish she'd call me "Jack," even if it's because she's exasperated. But she doesn't, and I just continue to follow her lead.
I guess I'm that afraid of ruining my chances with her. I don't want to rock the boat. I'll take what I can while I can. At least she's still with me every day and we're able to work together. I would hate doing something that would take that little bit away from me.
I guess I just want her to feel free to continue to rest her head on my shoulder whenever she feels like it.
Sam's Journal - Entry 109
I thought I'd never write in this journal again. I almost died in the most horrific way, and I can't even begin to imagine what that would have felt like. From what I witnessed when our less fortunate Russian comrade suddenly dissolved into nothingness, it wouldn't have been pleasant.
When Niirti experimented on me, I thought I was going to burn from the inside out. The machine's field force enveloped me and made my muscles spasm with pain, then a hot tingling took over as if every cell in my body was on fire. The heat just intensified to the point that I thought I was going to combust, and, when it finally stopped, I felt like I had just walked out of a burning building. I was so weak that I couldn't stand, and her minions had to practically drag me all the way back to the cell where Colonel O'Neill, Teal'c and Jonas waited.
While I lay on that hard bench after they had taken my colonel away, I could feel myself slowly melt, and I was immensely thankful that he wasn't going to watch me die. I think I was unconscious for a while because one minute I was missing Jack's shoulder under my cheek and the next he was lifting me up as if I weighted nothing. He had come back and I hadn't even realized it.
He didn't say much. He just picked me up and ran with me all the way back to that infernal machine, and all I could think about was that he was going to bust his knee again running up the stairs like that. But before I could say anything about it, it came to me that my main worry should be whether I was going to dissolve in his arms before he could help me.
The horror of that thought kept me silent until he placed me in the machine and begged me to try to stand. I must have done it because I suddenly felt the same pain, and then the warmth and tingling I had felt before, only this time I actually felt good when it finally ceased.
Only on our way back to the Stargate did I realize that I had felt strangely at peace waiting for death, and I wondered why. Only weeks ago I had been in such inner turmoil and torment that I had yelled at my fellow scientists. But now I'm oddly calm and accepting of almost everything.
I have to face the fact that the only thing that has changed lately is my attitude toward my colonel. Ever since we recovered him and Maybourne from that forsaken moon — and I fell apart before him without arguments or excuses — it's like I've shed a heavy burden. I no longer try to hide the fact that I care for him.
I no longer avoid touching him or looking at him. I feel somehow free to laugh at his jokes and enjoy his company. I'm taking what I'm free to take and enjoying it while I'm able, and he seems to be as happy with this new freedom as I am. All thoughts of possibly leaving SG-1 and leading my own team have completely ceased.
I've given up on a future with him, but we will continue to serve together and fight together; we will continue to watch out for each other and be there for each other; and as long as we have that much, we'll be okay.
Jonas' Journal - Entry 21
We were all surprised when Colonel O'Neill invited us to his place for a barbecue. He hadn't participated in our informal team nights ever since I had joined the team, and I had been worried that his discomfort with me was the reason. But now I believe that his distance had had nothing to do with me and all to do with his strained relationship with Major Carter.
It's just too much of a coincidence that, all of a sudden, they are getting along better and he's now willing to have fun and spend time with us.
Ever since he disappeared with Maybourne and we eventually found him, Major Carter has been more relaxed and happy. It makes me think that she's just immensely grateful that he didn't die.
The truth is that none of us should take each other for granted. Any of us could die during the next mission. We all have been in mortal danger repeatedly, so we live with that knowledge. Therefore it's just smart to relish every living moment and try to be happy with what we do have. Dwelling on what we have lost or can't have doesn't do any good at all.
I'm just happy that the team is now a team outside of work as well. I look forward to our evening together and wonder what Colonel O'Neill's home looks like. A home says a lot about its owner.
Teal'c's quarters at the SGC reveal a respect for order, integrity and honesty, as well as a need for intense spirituality with the room's bare essentials, cleanliness and simplicity. The candles everywhere are also a dead give-away.
Major Carter's home reflects its owner's warmth and femininity underneath all that cerebral practicality. She treasures friendships and family above all, which is easy to tell by the specific placement of her many pictures. Her home also clearly reflects her respect for authority and rules. Every single item has a spot of its own, exactly where it should be, and nothing is ever out of place. Even her clutter is organized!
I will try not to have any preconceptions on what Colonel O'Neill's home will tell me about him, but I'm planning on paying attention to every single detail.
Sam's Journal - Entry 110
We spent yesterday evening at Colonel O'Neill's. He shocked us by inviting us to join him at his home right after General Hammond announced that he was giving us time off to rest and recuperate after our recent ordeal with Niirti. During the same meeting our general also informed us that the government has decided to disclose to other key governments the existence of the Stargate.
Evidently these governments have been challenging our explanations for the past years' atmospheric disturbances, and their demands for disclosure have reached a belligerent tone, especially now that they have banded together in their pursuit. Because there is sincere respect for these countries as allies — and because the fallout would be incredibly nasty if they get confirmation of their suspicions some other way — the United States has chosen to share all the information we have already shared with the Russians.
I suspect the colonel's invitation to get together had a lot to do with his discomfort with the situation. He probably felt he needed the distraction. He liked keeping the Stargate secret, and he hated giving the Russians concessions to keep their mouths shut and continue to let us use the recovered Gate. But aside from making some typical "Jack O'Neill" comments about how "helpful" every country's contribution would surely be to the program, he concentrated on having fun with us, drinking beer, eating pizza and watching movies.
I had such a good time that I drank a little too much and let the beer go to my head, so I almost fell asleep in the middle of "Alien" — one of Teal'c's picks for the night — but Jonas' shouts of horror every few minutes managed to keep me awake. When "Aliens" quickly followed, I started to say goodnight intending to go home to sleep, but the colonel grabbed my hand and pulled me back down.
When I looked at him in surprise, he just said, "Just stay, Carter," and I almost swallowed my tongue. It sounded like he was inviting me to spend the night, but then he added, "Wait `till the movie ends. Just sit here with me a while longer."
I didn't know whether to feel disappointed or relieved, and I looked at Teal'c and Jonas to see if they had heard us, but they were both immersed in the movie already. I couldn't ignore the fact that Colonel O'Neill was still holding my hand, and that his thumb was casually stroking my fingers, which made my insides shake and my heart race a little. God, the man can affect me so easily! And the worst part is that he knows it!
What could I do? I stayed until the movie was over, and I let him hold my hand the whole time. I even felt comfortable enough to lay my head on his shoulder and fall asleep. It just felt nice, almost like old times, except for Daniel's absence.
As fun and entertaining Jonas can be, we all miss our archeologist very much.
Jack's Journal – Entry 96
The President caved to pressure from his allies and authorized disclosure of the Stargate program to England, France and China. General Hammond and Major Davis were ordered to conduct the briefing to their representatives, and the general put SG-1 on stand down so that I could take over at the SGC and the rest of the team could get some rest.
I don't quite agree with this disclosure policy. I think it's going to complicate matters for us a lot. But General Hammond says we don't have a choice. It's not our call, and he's right, of course.
Teal'c has taken the opportunity to continue with Jonas' boxing lessons and take him shopping with Sam. Our favorite scientist has actually managed to spend some of her down time away from the SGC, but Siler keeps calling her to help him with one thing or another. I can't blame the guy. She's normally so busy he never gets to spend enough time working with her — and we all know he has a soft spot for Carter.
I was getting rather bored with paperwork, and it occurred to me that it had been a long while since I'd had the team over for a barbecue. So I called Carter and asked her to organize things for Friday night.
I should have done this sooner. We had quite a nice time. Jonas keeps growing on me, but I'll never openly admit it. Teal'c was as excited as he can get picking sci-fi movies, and Carter… well… Carter showed me again that she's not upset with me anymore.
The distance that had grown between us since Danny's "departure" is getting smaller and smaller. She must have forgiven me for not letting her grieve because she even let me hold her hand while we watched "Aliens."
Well… I watched the movie while she took a nap on my shoulder. That was sweet. Better than sweet, and it reminded me again of our time as Jonah and Thera.
I'm thinking of having another barbecue next weekend.
Jonas' Journal - Entry 22
The barbecue at Colonel O'Neill's place was very pleasant. The colonel cooked steaks that were quite tasty and introduced me to his favorite beer, Guinness. Major Carter brought potato salad and steamed vegetables. Teal'c let me pick the cake and he picked two flavors of ice cream for dessert. Everything was delicious!
The colonel says that Guinness is Irish, like he is, but Major Carter laughed at that. I didn't understand how, being born in Chicago and partly raised in Minnesota, he could claim being from Ireland, and we had a long discussion about ancestors and the "Irish soul" — for which he claims Major Carter has no appreciation. I'm not sure of what he meant by that, but his major did not seem offended because she just laughed at him again.
After dinner we watched two horror movies that Teal'c had picked, and I kept thinking that we better not find out that there really are aliens like the ones in the movies or we would be in a lot worse trouble than with just the Goa'uld. As bad as they are, the creatures from the movies were even more terrifying. The Tau'ri have great imaginations!
The colonel's home was no great surprise. As I suspected, it reflects the man that owns it perfectly. It's very masculine but comfortable, clean, orderly and nice, but not ostentatious at all, with no display of medals, certificates or diplomas. His collection of books and classical music is impressive and in complete contrast to his rather childish taste in videos, revealing a hidden intelligence and culture I had already suspected, as well as his unique sense of humor.
The very few pictures in display portrayed only those who are closest to his heart. His dead son's picture could be seen in almost every room, and there were a few snapshots of SG-1 (with Dr. Jackson, not me) as well. A couple of them included General Hammond and Dr. Fraiser, and a large, pretty picture of Cassandra Fraiser also adorned one wall.
I dared to snoop a little during one of my trips to the bathroom and briefly peeked into his bedroom. Charlie's picture sat next to his bed, on the night table, and to my surprise, an unframed snapshot of Major Carter sat right next to it. I could tell it was an old picture, a candid shot showing her laughing with someone sitting next to her. I suspect that someone was Colonel O'Neill by the partially visible arm in the picture, and I felt bad for both of them all over again, having to hide their special affection for each other as if those feelings were a sin.
I have to believe that he forgot he left the picture there, so widely exposed, because its presence definitely confirms that he has very special feelings for his second-in-command, and the colonel would not normally be that careless. Of course, he didn't expect any prying aliens to go snooping around his room, either.
When I came out, feeling a little guilty, I couldn't help watching them a little closer. They were sitting on the couch, while I was sitting in a comfortable chair and Teal'c sat in the other one. At the beginning of the first movie the space between them was significant, both trying to sit as far apart as the couch allowed. But by the middle of the second movie, Major Carter had moved over and was sleeping on the colonel's shoulder, with her hand snuggly held in his.
As I watched her sleep without a care in the world and looking like she belonged, I couldn't help but smile at the tender picture. Then my eyes met the colonel's and I realized that he was watching me watch her. His blank look told me nothing, but I just smiled at him, letting him know that I understood. He nodded lightly and his lips twitched, but he didn't quite smile, so I turned back to my movie, quite happy knowing that he had felt comfortable enough in my presence to openly show his affection for his major.
Maybe I've made more progress in getting him to accept me than I had suspected.
Yes, the barbecue went very well, and I'm looking forward to the next one.
Jonas again proves his worth to the team, Teal'c loses his symbiote, and Sam and Jack enjoy a more relaxed relationship.
Sam's Journal - Entry 111
We've made a new friend. His name is Warrick, and he belongs to a race we had not encountered before, the Serrakin, from a planet called Hebridan. His people are living in harmony with a human race they helped liberate from the Goa'uld thousands of years ago, Celts from Earth. Warrick is even married to a human female, and he was eager to get to see his wife again after two years of being stranded on an alien planet, struggling to survive.
The Hebridians are quite advanced and live outside of the network of Stargates, but our friend promised to keep in touch and possibly trade some technology. He's feeling quite grateful, so I know that he'll definitely try to get his government to talk to us.
He was the only survivor of an unfortunate accident that got him and his crew stranded and hunted by criminals. His compassion for these criminals cost him his crew's lives, but we were able to help him recapture the three felons, fix his ship and return home. Now we just have to wait and see if we hear from him again.
I felt almost ashamed of my species when I realized that the charming human claiming to be the captain of the starship, Aden Corso, was a criminal trying to take advantage of us. Something about his story didn't ring true from the beginning, and he was too ignorant of his ship considering he claimed to be the captain. So despite my willingness to give him the benefit of the doubt, I tried to keep a watchful eye.
His flirting, despite him being quite handsome, made me feel very uncomfortable for some reason. I guess it was that female intuition at work. However, my carelessness in keeping track of my equipment while I was trying to fix the ship definitely got me in trouble. When I realized that the Seberus was a prison transport and that my radio was missing, I knew I had been right in not trusting him. I was able to capture him, but his buddy got me by surprise and left me with a concussion.
When I woke up, I heard the two of them talking and I realized that my mistake could cost me my freedom. Corso was planning to kill my team and take off with me once they returned with his injured female partner. I guess a person able to fix their ship in case they got into trouble again was someone they weren't likely to leave behind.
I also have the sick feeling that this man intended to do more than flirt with me once he had me helpless in his ship.
I was unconscious — as well as bound and gagged — so I wasn't able to warn Jonas when he returned with their female partner. But he had also suspected their story and had set up a trap for them, which worked perfectly.
No one knows just how relieved I am that things turned out the way they did. I don't know how I would have gotten out of this one if they had managed to take off with me.
The Kelownan keeps surprising us with his ingenuity, and I can tell that Colonel O'Neill is warming up significantly toward him, for which I'm feeling rather pleased as well.
Jack's Journal – Entry 97
We've added a new world to our list of allies, Hebridan. These people probably won't be getting involved in our fight against the Goa'uld, but we might get some cool technology from them if they ever get back to us. I'm hoping that our new friend, War-ick, will feel grateful long enough to make the effort.
After all, we sided with him against fellow humans, and he must be able to appreciate that. He's lucky that I have an uncanny talent to detect bullshit, and I was able to tell that some of what that guy, Corso, was telling us was nothing but a lie. The man was just too smooth and charming for my taste, and the way he looked at Carter when he thought no one noticed was also pretty disturbing. But now the slime ball is on his way to jail with his cronies, which is where he belongs.
Jonas scored a few more points with me during this mission. He set them up and they fell for it. Not even I could have done it better, I have to say.
Hopefully War-ick will make it to his planet without further trouble and deliver him to the authorities. Carter said his ship was in good enough shape, so I believe he will.
She ended up with a pretty nasty concussion, and Janet ordered her to stay home for a couple of days. I, of course, didn't miss the chance to stop by with pizza… and Teal'c and Jonas.
Now that our relationship is back on track, I can't trust myself alone with her. I don't want a set back, so I have to be very careful to respect the boundaries while I still enjoy the little liberties I have now. Spending more time with her outside of work is one of those liberties, and I'm taking advantage of every opportunity.
Jonas' Journal - Entry 23
We've made new friends with a race called the Serrakin. They're not human, but they share their planet with humans they rescued ages ago from the Goa'uld. The alien we met, Warrick, is even married to a human woman.
He had been marooned since his ship had crashed almost two years ago, and he had lost his crew one by one to the criminals they had been transporting.
The story of how our new friend ended up being there is not as important as the fact that we helped him recover possession of his ship and apprehend the three outlaws that had been terrorizing him, and I have to say that I played an important part in doing that.
I could tell that the alien woman, Reynard, was not being completely sincere when she had been talking to me in the infirmary. I'm pretty perceptive, and I can tell when someone's trying to play me.
Aside from the fact that women don't normally kiss me without quite a lot of effort from my part, her eyes were just too shifty and her smile too contrived. Her flirting was forced, and it made me wonder if she even liked men, but I let her believe that she had me convinced.
When General Hammond informed me that someone had tried to access our computer system from the infirmary, I was positive that she was the culprit, so we set up a trap. I told the general that, if I was right, she could be lured into revealing who she and her friends really were.
So I casually let her see some of the archeological treasures we have accumulated to see if it would work as bait. It did, but I went through a little bit of a scare when we returned to the ship to find Major Carter unconscious and bound, lying on the ground. I was afraid that I had done too little too late and that she had gotten seriously hurt. But she was not. She's going to be okay.
I started to run toward her but got stunned. Reynard must have told her friends about the treasure and convinced them to try to go and steal it because, when I woke up and quickly realized that Sam was still tied up but now awake, they were already dragging me back to the Stargate, using me as a hostage.
Anyway, they fell for the trap and General Hammond was waiting for them at the other end of the wormhole following my signal. Then the rest of the team went back for Major Carter and Teal'c, bringing with them our new friend, Warrick.
Colonel O'Neill patted my shoulder after we debriefed General Hammond and actually told me that I had done a good job. That made my day!
I've really been trying to prove my worth to the team, but sometimes I feel like nothing I do will make Colonel O'Neill appreciate me the way he appreciates Major Carter, Teal'c and… yes, Dr. Jackson.
He left some very big shoes to fill, and it hasn't been easy so far, but I'll keep trying.
Jonas' Journal – Entry 24
Teal'c is dying. He and Bra'tac were caught in a trap along with many other rebel Jaffa, and, except for the two of them, everyone got killed. Our two friends were almost dead as well when we found them. They had been sharing Teal'c's symbiote for three days, barely able to hang on.
Major Carter is extremely upset, and I can't blame her. It wasn't too long ago that she lost her best friend, Dr. Jackson, and then almost lost her colonel twice. Now it looks like she might lose Teal'c, the one person she counts on and leans on the most when she's in distress.
She sent a message to the Tok'ra explaining what happened and asking for her dad, and he came as soon as he could. She was hoping for his ability with the healing device to make a difference, but he's offering something different.
The Tok'ra developed a more refined version of Tretonin, "ground Goa'uld," as Colonel O'Neill called it, and Jacob/Selmak is suggesting that we use it on our two dying friends. It's still experimental, but it doesn't seem like we have any other choice. There are no young symbiotes for our two Jaffa, so Major Carter is in support of her father's solution.
Colonel O'Neill seemed to be slightly disgusted with the origin of the drug, but he exchanged just one look with his major and he also agreed to let them try it. I'm sure he doesn't want her to face losing Teal'c as she lost Dr. Jackson.
The colonel had been brooding, not saying much but hovering near his friend constantly. He's also afraid to lose Teal'c, that much is obvious, but he's concerned about Bra'tac as well.
Major Carter shared with me that Bra'tac frequently talks to him as if the colonel were a child, and Colonel O'Neill, in turn, reacts as if he were a mouthy teenager. She said that it's actually very amusing, but that it's also very obvious that there's great respect between the two men.
Dr. Fraiser tells us that all three patients – including the symbiote – will eventually die, so General Hammond gave them the go ahead to try the drug, which made me feel extremely relieved.
I guess I'm very worried about losing Teal'c as well. He has been the only true friend I've had since I arrived on this world. He was there for me from the beginning, listening, teaching, advising, and encouraging me.
I consider Major Carter a friend as well, but we don't have the type of relationship I have with Teal'c. I can really talk to him, tell him about my concerns and my fears, and even when I don't, he seems to know that something is bothering me. He would leave a huge vacuum if he left us.
I guess all we can do now is wait and hope that the new drug works.
Jack's Journal – Entry 98
Teal'c and Bra'tac made it. The Tretonin seems to be working, and Jacob is very happy that now they have something to offer the Jaffa that will end their dependence on young Goa'uld symbiotes.
Teal'c without Junior… there's a new concept! But I'd say it's better to depend on dead symbiotes than live ones. It's a step in the right direction, but I hope they figure out how to wean the Jaffa from Tretonin eventually. Being dependent on a drug is no good, either.
Teal'c seems happy with the change. He says it's been weird not feeling his symbiote anymore, but that he's glad that he can do without it, and Bra'tac agrees.
They're both doing well, getting stronger every day. Teal'c is even getting restless, and Bra'tac is already pointing out all my human flaws, as usual. I swear the guy thrives on putting me down.
That's okay. It makes Carter laugh, so I can take it. She's so happy with Teal'c's improvement that she practically shines when she talks to him. I know that she was scared of losing her teammate, as we all were, but now she doesn't have to think about that anymore.
In a few days Teal'c will be hitting the gym. There's even talk of getting together again this weekend, and I have to admit that I'm really looking forward to that.
Maybe she'll fall asleep on my shoulder again.
Sam's Journal - Entry 112
Teal'c is doing great. We almost lost him this time. Our formidable warrior, the indestructible Jaffa whose strength we all take for granted, almost died.
I was scared to death. I didn't want to even think of what it would be like without him. It didn't scare me in the same raw, horribly excruciating way it does when I think I might be losing my colonel, but it was close. It was like losing Daniel all over again.
I tried to be brave and not let my distress show, but I know that Colonel O'Neill realized how I felt. We only had to look at each other once for him to read it in my eyes, and I was deeply grateful when he immediately backed me up and agreed for us to try the Tretonin.
The drug is working, and Teal'c is already walking around, just a step ahead of Bra'tac, who's still confined to the infirmary.
Today we — the colonel, Jonas and I — had lunch with Teal'c in the mess hall, and he seemed very glad to be out and about. He has spent more than two weeks in the infirmary along with his mentor, and I know that he's really sick of it. He doesn't, however, dare to argue with Janet. She said she wanted him there for a couple more days, and that's that!
After lunch, however, both Jonas and Jack rushed out for different reasons and left Teal'c and I alone, so we talked for a long while before I accompanied him back to the infirmary. My friend surprised me with his candid revelations about his dreams while suffering from "withdrawal," which is what we have chosen to call the loss of his symbiote.
He told me about Shaun'ac being his wife in one scenario, and about being a firefighter and working with Jack, Jonas and I. Even Siler had been in that dream. He told me about donating his kidney to Bra'tac. The dream made sense, given what he was going through trying to keep his mentor alive. Then he said something deeply moving.
"I lived in that dream a life I have often wished for, a life with my love, Shaun'ac, where we only have to endeavor to perform our duties and are allowed to be together, a life where the Goa'uld do not exist."
"I know what you mean," I replied before I realized what I was saying, and he gave me an understanding look. I felt rather embarrassed by my slip, so I didn't say anything else.
He then told me that Daniel had come to visit in that dream, and he sounded like he actually believed that it had been the real Daniel and not a figment of his delirious imagination. It made me remember the dream I had had shortly after he'd passed, the one in which he had told me that he missed us, but that he was doing all right. So, before I realized I was going to do so, I had asked my Jaffa friend if Daniel looked like he was doing okay.
He almost smiled, and I think he was pleased that I had not challenged his veiled declaration that Daniel had been there for him during his ordeal.
He assured me that "Daniel Jackson" was fine, and that his presence had given him encouragement and strength. The Daniel from his dream had even suggested to him that both scenarios he had been dreaming about were not real, which had helped Teal'c start to come out of his delirium shortly after the Tretonin treatment had started, much earlier than Bra'tac.
I just nodded, feeling all over again the pain of our friend's absence. I miss Daniel so much! I wish he could come back.
Jonas' Journal - Entry 25
We just returned from an unexpectedly long voyage, one we almost didn't make it back from at all. But we did make it, and we found another world full of lost brethren that we would have never found if it hadn't been because of the Prometheus' malfunction.
The world is called Tagrea (P3X-744) and we are now allies. It was touch and go for a while. Not everyone was thrilled with "alien" visitors, but Chairman Ashwan, their leader, finally prevailed and gave us the assistance we needed to find the buried Stargate (no wonder we had never been able to establish a wormhole to this world) and come back home for the necessary supplies to repair our ship.
Major Carter is already busy trying to obtain everything we need to return to the planet and start working on rebuilding the core tomorrow, while Colonel O'Neill has been behind closed doors with General Hammond, probably figuring out how to best deal with our new friends.
The colonel warned us that General Hammond would probably want us to be the official representatives of Earth while negotiating a treaty with the Tagreans. They mostly want information, and so do we. I understand the archeology team is already salivating at the opportunity to dig out this world's past, which has been lost under the sand for more than three hundred years.
We told Chairman Ashwan that we would return by tomorrow with the first shipment of parts, and he promised that he would have a celebration waiting for us that evening. It sounded like a formal event because he told Major Carter to feel free to wear her best jewels, which left her rather speechless.
I bet she was wondering which jewels she could find on short notice, since I just don't see Major Carter as the type of woman who would own such luxuries. She would spend her money on a vintage motorcycle or car before she would spend it on gems.
I must note that the man looked quite smitten with the major, something that I noticed Colonel O'Neill did not miss, and I wonder how our leader will manage the whole situation once we are in a more social setting, where the Tagrean might feel free to pursue his interest in our teammate.
This is going to be a very interesting mission.
Jack's Journal – Entry 99
Carter is mad at me again, which is totally unfair. I haven't done anything wrong.
I had a very good reason to object to her going to the damn reception. She's needed at the Prometheus, not serving as dinner companion to the Tagrean leader, no matter how grateful we are to the guy for his help. It's a reasonable, solid argument, even if it isn't really why I have a problem with the party.
General Hammond, however, sided with her. He said that Colonel Ronson could do without her for one night, and that accepting Chairman Ashwan's kind invitation would go a long way to cement our good relations with this new world.
Carter just gave me one of those tolerant looks she likes to give me when she disagrees with me and left Hammond's office with some excuse about seeing to the shipment of parts.
I had to come clean with the general when he just stood there, looking at me with those piercing, all-knowing eyes of his. So I explained that the Tagrean leader was already infatuated with Carter, and that I was trying to prevent putting her in an awkward position.
Hammond just scoffed and said, "I believe Major Carter can handle the situation, Colonel." Then he dismissed me and told me to get some rest.
Well, maybe it's true that Carter can handle another love-struck alien, but I just don't want her to have to do it. It would be easier for everyone involved if we just kept her away from Ashwan.
Anyway, she's mad at me, and I'm not even sure why. I don't know if it's because she was looking forward to the party or because I'm interfering with a budding romance.
I really hope she just wanted to dance.
Sam's Journal - Entry 113
I still can't believe what Colonel O'Neill tried to do! He actually tried to keep me from going to the reception that Chairman Ashwan is throwing in our honor, despite the fact that the man specifically invited me to be his "dinner companion," whatever that is. I hope it just means he wants me to sit next to him at dinner.
The Tagrean leader risked a lot to help us, and the least we could do is to graciously accept his invitation, especially when we need his continued cooperation to effect repairs on the Prometheus. This is going to take weeks, so the nicer we are, the smoother things will go.
I feel like my colonel doesn't trust me. It seems he doesn't think I can deal with Chairman Ashwan, which is rather insulting. I'm not a young girl. I can handle myself, and he has no right to act as if he were my father. I've had enough males trying to control my life, thank you very much!
Thinking about domineering males, my brother's friend had left a message on my answering machine at home. It seems he was "passing by" again and was hoping I would say yes to a date this time. He was back in Denver by the time I got the message, but he said he would call next time he came to Colorado Springs. He's still not giving up, and I have to admit that I feel quite flattered by his persistence.
Now, however, I can't think of Pete Shanahan. I have to decide what to wear for the Tagrean reception, and it's not like I have a lot of choices. I only have two long gowns, a black one and a blue one. Mom's pearls will go with either one of them, so I just have to find my silver sandals and decide on one of them. The blue one is a prettier dress, but the black one is sexier.
So the black one it is. Let Colonel O'Neill deal with THAT!
Jack's Journal – Entry 100
Last night's had to be the longest, most excruciating party I've ever been to, and I've been to a lot of excruciating parties!
The evening started with us being taken to our guest quarters to change, and with me finding out that Carter's quarters were on the same floor as Ashwan's living quarters in the government building, while ours were on a different floor. She, however, didn't seem to notice or simply didn't care.
I almost complained, but then I remembered that she was still acting pissy with me and decided to let it go. I knew that Hammond was right in that she can handle herself, but I still didn't like it.
Then the next punch in the gut was seeing her appear on Ashwan's arm wearing a low-cut black gown that stuck to her like damned plastic wrap! She was wearing a long, double-string of pearls that reached right between her breasts, with dangling earrings to match, which only called attention to her cleavage. And anyone could tell she was wearing no bra!
I was wearing my dress blues and both Jonas and Teal'c were wearing black tuxedos, very similar to what the rest of the Tagreans were wearing, but Carter stuck out like a black swan amongst white ones. The other women were wearing bright colors and lots of ruffles and glitter, but she looked stunning and even taller than she is in that black dress.
I had thought I had already had the shock of the evening until she suddenly turned around to talk to the Chairman and I could see that the dress parted in the back all the way up to the middle of her thighs. What had she been thinking?!
Every male in the room was undressing her with his eyes, even Jonas, and he said something about Carter doing a fantastic job of representing Earth females, but he shut up when I looked at him. I didn't think it was a funny situation at all. Teal'c was quiet, but his eyebrow was lifting higher and higher by the second.
I could see Ashwan drooling over her, introducing her to everyone they came across on their way to us, and she was eating it up! She was smiling from ear to ear until she saw me, then her smile disappeared, which made me feel almost guilty. So I tried to be polite to Ashwan and act like nothing was bothering me… for a little while.
I kept watching her from across the table during the very formal dinner. She was seated at Ashwan's right and I was seated at his left, and I kept choking on my food every time she leaned over a little bit and more of her cleavage showed. The way those pearls rested in between her breasts was extremely distracting, and I could see Ashwan's eyes drift down every single time he looked at her.
At one point I found I was gripping my knife hard, and not in the proper way to cut my meat, so I consciously tried to calm down and ignore them. That lasted maybe thirty seconds.
Carter didn't seem to notice the kind of attention she was getting, chatting away with the Tagrean about the Goa'uld, about the work to be done on the Prometheus, and about every single other topic that came to her mind. When the Chairman asked about her pearls, something he had never seen before, she lifted them from her chest and went into a long explanation of where they came from on Earth and how special these were to her because they had belonged to her mother.
Ashwan was politely interested in the pearls, I'm sure, but his eyes very obviously fixated on Sam's cleavage made me wonder if he had not asked about them just to have an excuse to openly ogle her.
I realize that maybe this is all me. The guy is quite a decent sort, and he did try to include us in the conversation, but I felt very uncomfortable anyway. Jonas, seated next to Carter, did a good job of participating, but both Teal'c and I were rather busy glaring at the men that kept eyeballing our major, too distracted to pay attention to their food.
When dinner was over, Ashwan took her hand again and led her to the ballroom, where there was music and drinks waiting for us. He didn't leave her side for a single second. You would think a Chairman would have had more important stuff to do than flirt with an alien woman!
To top it all, he kept introducing pretty women to the rest of us, no doubt hoping that we would get distracted into leaving him alone with Carter. Fat chance!
Jonas flirted back, smiling and being friendly with everyone, but Teal'c and I just couldn't wait for the party to be over. My nightmare, however, wasn't over any time soon. The dancing started and it was all I could do to refrain from rolling my eyes.
It didn't matter that we didn't know how to dance. It didn't matter that we declined to participate. The Tagreans love their dancing, and the women would not leave us alone!
I was trying to get rid of a particularly insistent redhead when I noticed that Carter was on the floor with Ashwan, trying to follow his lead and doing a fairly good job of dancing to the Tagrean beat. So I finally said yes and led the annoying redhead to where my major was making a spectacle of herself. It wasn't an unpleasant spectacle at all, but it was a spectacle nonetheless.
By the time the beat changed to something slower and the Chairman grabbed Sam by the waist and pressed her body to his, I had had enough! I stepped in and informed our gracious host that it was time for us to get some rest, since Carter had a lot of work to do the next morning.
She glared at me, but I ignored her. Ashwan was diplomatic enough to agree and thank us for our presence. Then he said he better go to bed as well and left the party with us.
Then my evening got even worse. The elevator dropped us off at our floor and he and Carter went on to the upper floor where the guy lives.
Granted, I know Carter can handle herself and is too professional to get involved with an alien dignitary in a matter of one day, but I almost stayed in the elevator and told them that I would see her to her door. I didn't because I know she would have killed me later. So I just nodded, gave her "a look," and let them go.
Teal'c was looking at the elevator doors as if he wanted to open them and pull the cab back down, and Jonas was staring at me with a worried expression on his face, so I tried to make everyone relax and said something about Ashwan better not be expecting a goodnight kiss. It was a joke, but I kind of meant it.
Jonas tried to smile, but Teal'c just looked at me, and he didn't look pleased. So I said that Carter would be fine and ordered them to get some sleep. Then I went to my bedroom, doing my best to ignore the inconspicuous security personnel dotting the floor.
I had already realized that sneaking out in the middle of the night to go check on Carter would not go over well, so I just tried to put her out of my mind and go to bed.
I didn't sleep a wink!
Sam's Journal - Entry 114
We're finally back from Tagrea, and I'm physically and emotionally exhausted! But, no matter how tired I feel, I just had to sit and vent in my journal before I went to bed.
There was a lot of work to be done and a lot of coordinating and organizing of work teams on the Prometheus, but now everything is running smoothly and I'm sure Colonel Ronson and his crew will be able to initiate the flight back to Earth within a couple of weeks.
What was most extenuating about the mission was the constant pressure of handling Chairman Ashwan's not completely unwelcome attention while dealing with my colonel's increasingly upsetting attitude.
He started with trying to prevent me from going to the party in our honor, and then he was like a hovering father during the whole thing. He kept glaring at men, frowning at the Chairman, and making noises to catch my attention. At one point I honestly thought he had choked on his food!
He was surly and quiet the whole night, while Jonas did a wonderful job of being diplomatic and entertaining. Teal'c wasn't much better than Jack, but at least I was expecting it from him. My CO, however, was in rare form!
He finally stepped in during a dance and told me it was time to leave, and I felt like punching him! I've had it with domineering men! And to top it all, Ashwan ended up being more of a handful than I had anticipated.
I did feel flattered with his attention — he treated me like a queen, not leaving me alone for an instant and trying to make me have a good time — but he was a little suffocating. He was okay for the most part, until he grabbed me and practically hugged me.
Most of the evening, however, he was quite charming. As soon as he thought someone was getting too chatty or inquisitive, he would excuse us and move on. My teammates were stuck to us, moving around the large reception room with us every time we did, and I was sure that this was Colonel O'Neill's idea. I felt like I was at my first ball with my three big brothers as chaperones. It was absolutely ridiculous!
The real problem with the Chairman started when we headed to our quarters that evening. He took me to my door, as I had expected — and despite my colonel's look of horror — but then he took my hand and kissed it, telling me that he hadn't had so much fun with anyone in years. He went on to tell me that he thought I was a fascinating woman, that he hoped to see me frequently during my stay on Tagrea, and that he wanted me to join him for a private dinner the following evening after I was done with work.
I know the man is a widower and has no children, but it never occurred to me that he would seriously pursue a romantic relationship with me. I mean… I'm an alien! But he clearly was hoping for more than I could give, so I had to nip that in the bud.
I thanked him for being such a wonderful companion that evening and generously giving us his trust and assistance in our effort to get our ship home, but then I had to let him down. I explained that my working days would probably run very late and that I would have to return home as soon as I was done. Then I tried to explain about our main mission, fighting the Goa'uld, and how this mission prevented me from pursuing a relationship with anyone.
Even thought it was the truth, that wasn't the real reason for my rejection. The honest truth is that I don't want a relationship with anyone except one man, and that man is not available to me, so I've decided to concentrate on my mission and forget about romance.
Whether Chairman Ashwan believed me or not is irrelevant. He understood that I wasn't interested and kindly accepted my decision. He said he would try to have my team and I over for dinner before we left because he truly enjoyed our company, then he wished me luck with the repairs, told me to let him know if we needed anything, kissed my hand again, and left.
I was deeply relieved that he accepted my response so well, but then I knew that the man was a gentleman. I had rarely been treated so courteously in my life, as if I were a delicate flower and not a seasoned soldier. It was nice, for a change. It made me feel… feminine, and it surprises me that I enjoyed that so much.
I slept like a log. I guess I had been very tired. But then the next morning I was faced with a very grumpy colonel, who kept making sarcastic references to my "Tagrean boyfriend," suggesting that I had done something unprofessional that could affect our relationship with the Tagreans.
I really didn't want to get into it with him there, so I just ignored him. I gritted my teeth and said absolutely nothing while we were on the planet, but the moment we returned to the SGC, I requested to see him in his office, and then I let him have it!
I told him that I had felt insulted by his lack of trust in my professionalism, that his comments had been way out of line, and that he had hurt my feelings with his nastiness. I was on the verge of tears, but I kept from crying. I didn't want to seem weak, and I just kept glaring at him, waiting for him to say something to defend himself.
Then he surprised me by saying, "You're right, Carter. I was out of line. It's just that… you wouldn't say anything to deny that something had happened, and I kept getting angrier and angrier about it. I should have left it alone. It's none of my business, anyway."
He looked so miserable that I actually felt sorry for him, so I said, "I should have made clear that nothing had happened with Chairman Ashwan and that nothing would."
He then actually smiled at me and admitted that he was relieved to know that. He stepped really close and my heart skipped. For a moment I thought that he was going to finally kiss me, but he didn't. He just touched my face and said, "I do trust you. I just don't trust others around you. Men get stupid around you, Sam, and you looked really, really hot that night."
I didn't know what to say, so I just stood there and said nothing, grinning like an idiot and enjoying his intimate touch. Then he finally said, "Let's go home. We have to debrief tomorrow morning and it's very late."
So I just said, "Yes, Sir," followed him out of his office and toward the locker rooms, then said goodnight. I just couldn't stay mad at him.
It was a rather disappointing end to my evening. For a moment I thought I would finally get to kiss him again.
Jack's Journal – Entry 101
Carter yelled at me last night. God, she's so hot when she's angry! It made it hard for me to think of anything but how I wanted to grab her and kiss her senseless, so it was with a huge effort that I remembered that I should feel ashamed of myself and ask for forgiveness.
I WAS sorry about the way I had treated her on Tagrea. I shouldn't have said the things I said, and I should have accepted that it was up to Carter to deal with Ashwan and that I had no business interfering, but I had been too annoyed and… jealous — yes, jealous, I admit it — to think clearly.
She forgave me, though. I told her that I trusted her, and I even told her that she had looked really hot during that party. I had made some comments about her dress and I didn't want her to think that I hadn't liked it. I had… way too much. That black dress sticking to her curves and those pearls resting on her freckled, tempting cleavage will be branded on my mind forever, and I'll probably be dreaming about them for weeks to come.
She smiled at me, and I knew that I had been truly forgiven. It made me feel ridiculously happy, and I wanted to kiss her so badly that I still don't know how I resisted the urge. But I did, and nothing happened.
We're back to Colonel and Major, the storm is over, and life goes on. But now I wish I hadn't been so honorably restrained and had stolen at least one small, brief, sweet kiss.
Jonas' Journal - Entry 26
Just as I had suspected, our mission to Tagrea was interesting. I got to spend some time with Tarek and see more of what he had been able to salvage from their history, and the party in our honor was actually quite fun, with lots of pretty girls to look at and interesting food and drinks to sample. But I have to say that the entertainment was the highlight of the evening.
I'm referring to watching our CO deal with the attention Major Carter garnered from every male around her, including yours truly. She looked gorgeous in a spectacular black dress and long strings of pearls, and Chairman Ashwan was quite obvious with his admiration.
Colonel O'Neill, to say the least, wasn't pleased, but he managed to refrain from killing anyone. He didn't even say anything mean to a soul. He just kept grinding his teeth, choking and coughing, or glaring at anyone he caught staring at the major's cleavage, including me.
Well, it was hard not to! I'm a healthy male, after all, but one look at Teal'c and I made it a point to not let my eyes stray again. Other men, especially the Chairman, did not bother to do so, however.
We survived the night even though it ended with the colonel and Teal'c looking extremely upset with the fact that Major Carter remained in the elevator with Chairman Ashwan, and I doubt that Colonel O'Neill got much rest that night. I'm also sure that Teal'c spent the night awake, not even trying to meditate, alert to any sound that would indicate that our major might need help.
I thought they were getting too bent out of shape about it, but I didn't dare to say anything. Anyway, the next morning Major Carter showed up for breakfast looking fine and didn't say anything about the previous night's party. The colonel, however, wasn't as restrained.
He kept alluding to her Tagrean boyfriend and to her poor choice of apparel, and I was rather amazed by Major Carter's self-control when she didn't reply to a single one of his comments.
I have no doubt that they got into it once they arrived at the SGC. She asked to see him in his office the moment we came back, and he meekly followed her. He looked almost afraid.
I turned to Teal'c and said, "I think Colonel O'Neill will have answers to his questions now, and I don't think he's going to have a good time listening."
"Indeed," was all Teal'c said in response, and we both headed to the locker room, wishing Colonel O'Neill good luck in dealing with his major.
Jonas' Journal - Entry 27
I had truly believed that my experience at Niirti's hands had left me intact. Now I know better. In fact, her meddling with my DNA almost killed me.
I'm fine now, no longer in the infirmary, but I still have to "take it easy" for a while, so I'm spending a lot of time in my quarters. I had brain surgery, and Earth's medical technology saved my life. If they hadn't removed the tumor growing in my brain, my head would have exploded.
Well, maybe not exploded, but close. The point is that I'm okay now and I'm very glad that I don't have visions anymore. Those were not as helpful as you might believe.
Instead of saving Major Carter from an accident, I made sure it happened. Then I thought that the base would be destroyed when SG-15 sent their code through the wormhole. I even saw them and the colonel and Teal'c getting ambushed at the Stargate. I managed to warn Major Carter before my surgery, but I still don't know whether her warning via radio served to save them or make sure the ambush happened.
There is one thing I'm glad about — aside from getting rid of the tumor — and that is that Colonel O'Neill actually told me that they need me on SG-1. All the anguish, pain and confusion of the past few days are easily forgotten when I think of that one achievement, the approval of my CO, something I had despaired of getting.
The one thing that still bugs me because I can't figure out is whether we were able to change our fate through my visions, or if my visions were part of that fate. They could have been what made sure that the ancient prophecy that Ellori talked about would be fulfilled. The saviors that came through the Gate, indeed, saved his people.
Jack's Journal – Entry 102
Carter is hurt. It's nothing serious now, just her arm, but, when we returned to the base, I found out that her heart had actually stopped at one point. I felt like someone had gutted me alive, and I didn't get rid of that feeling until I saw her and talked to her. She actually was acting like nothing had happened, her usual brave self, but I wanted to hold her and tell her that I was glad she was okay.
I didn't, of course. I also acted like her accident hadn't affected me like it did. We continue to ignore our feelings and remain CO and subordinate, no matter what happens, and I have to admit that it's close to impossible to do that sometimes.
Jonas had brain surgery and they removed the tumor that was causing the visions. He's going to be okay, but I had to make something clear to him. He's a valuable member of my team, and it was time that I came out and said it.
Dr. Fraiser had made it a point of telling me that Jonas had resisted the surgery until the last second because he wanted to be able to provide intel for us. She also said that she believed he had done that because he was still trying to prove himself to me, and I felt pretty guilty about that.
The guy has done a lot for us already, and I had assumed that a few pats on the back and my acknowledgement that he had done a good job in the past had been enough for him. I was wrong. But now he knows how I feel.
Sam's Journal - Entry 115
We saw Daniel again. At least we saw someone who looked like Daniel. I'm still not sure who that really was.
I hadn't written for a while because my left hand had been injured when the capacitor blew in my face, but now I feel I have to do so and see if it would help in clearing my thoughts about our last mission. I hope it does. It would help me to write a better mission report despite of how I feel.
It all started with Colonel O'Neill telling us about our need to go to Abydos and help them fight Anubis. We were all shocked to hear that Daniel had been the one that had shared this intel with him, but none of us doubted him for a second. We all had seen Daniel in our dreams, and I know that we all felt like it was possible that his presence in them had been more than the works of our subconscious minds.
Anyway, we did as Daniel had asked and went to Abydos. Ska'ra had been waiting for us, and all remaining doubts about Daniel having a hand in what was happening vanished even before he showed up.
Our young Abydonian friend, by the way, is getting married and invited us to his wedding. He even asked Colonel O'Neill to stand up as his best-man, or whatever the equivalent is over there, and he also asked him if he and I would be coming together.
His reaction was actually very cute. He looked like he had been caught doing something illicit, so I was quick to clarify that Ska'ra was asking if we would be coming together "as friends," and he immediately said yes and took off. I had rarely seen him look more uncomfortable, and it makes me wonder what was going through his mind at that moment.
Anyway, getting back to the mission, when Daniel finally did show up, I was momentarily stunned, but then I reacted and called his name, but he barely acknowledged my presence. He just gave Teal'c and I a side-glance and continued talking to Colonel O'Neill, and I felt crushed.
I had missed him so much, and it didn't seem like he had missed us at all! He was so… cold, so focused on what he wanted us to do!
I don't know who that person really was, but he wasn't my Daniel. He wasn't the friend I had missed so much. So I just emotionally pulled back and focused on the mission.
We tried to help the Abydonians, but they were destroyed after all, and they're only okay now because of Oma Desala. She helped them all ascend. Nothing remains on Abydos, not even the Stargate.
What makes matters worse is that we gave up the Eye of Ra to Anubis and now he's more powerful than ever. He'll probably destroy the System Lords and take over their domains, which will make it almost impossible for us to defeat him.
Colonel O'Neill is very angry with Daniel. He says his interference with "our realm" didn't help at all. In fact, it made matters worse. And I have to agree with him. I wonder if it wouldn't have been better for him to stay away from us. Maybe Anubis wouldn't have found the Eye of Ra at all.
The one redeeming point of our last mission is the tablet we found in that secret chamber. It will tell us a lot about the Gate builders, the ancient race that left such a wonderful legacy. Jonas is already working hard trying to translate it.
All in all, it was a very bad mission. But the worst part was seeing Daniel again, and realizing that what he has become might have changed the wonderful person he used to be. He may be more powerful now, but I'd rather have our old Daniel back.
Jonas' Journal - Entry 28
Abydos is gone. We were allowed to go back and see for ourselves, but not even the Stargate remains now. Anubis didn't keep his word and destroyed them despite his agreement with Dr. Jackson.
We're not sure what happened to our ascended friend, either. He crossed the line in trying to assist us, just as Colonel O'Neill demanded of him, and he might have paid a price. He never came back.
Major Carter has been very quiet since our return from the planet, and she also voiced her opinion during the debrief that we probably couldn't count on Dr. Jackson anymore. It's almost as if he had died all over again.
Colonel O'Neill is rather upset with the turn of events. He says we surrendered the Eye of Ra to Anubis for nothing, but I had to remind him that, if we hadn't, we would also be dead. He just scoffed and said nothing.
I think he's rather upset with Dr. Jackson, but I didn't dare touch the subject. I just exchanged one look with Teal'c and I know that he was thinking the same thing.
There's nothing to be done but try to keep track of Anubis now, and hope that an opportunity will present itself when we can stop him from his goal.
Jack's Journal – Entry 103
Anubis attacked Abydos, just as Daniel had warned us, and we weren't able to stop him. We just risked our lives to find the damn Eye of Ra to, at the end, turn it over to the Goa'uld.
Now he's more powerful than ever, Abydos was destroyed, and God only knows what happened to Daniel.
I have to say that Daniel and I didn't always like each other while he was alive. There were times that I actually wanted to beat on him, and I'm sure the feeling was mutual. But I like the ascended Daniel even less.
He had the power to help, but never did, following some unwritten rules that seemed to be more important than the lives of his friends. He also had this… superior… attitude that made it hard for me to reconcile him with the Daniel I used to know. All that talk about a "journey" and other realms made me want to tell him to shut up, but I had promised myself long ago that I would never say that to him again, so I didn't.
Now he's gone. I finally demanded that he cross the line and do something to help us, and I know he tried. He never came back from is confrontation with Anubis, and I wonder if the others interfered and stopped him from dealing with the System Lord. I even wonder if they punished him somehow, but the truth is that I'm not sure I want to know. If they did, it's my fault.
I never understood his new realm and its rules, and if he's suffering because of what I asked him to do, then it's my fault.
I'm sorry, Daniel. If you can read this words, please understand that I didn't want you to get hurt, that I hope that I'll see you again someday, and that you can come back as the man we used to know and not as the blob of energy that can be even more aggravating than the real you.
But also know that, despite of what happened and the consequences you're probably facing, I would still ask you to cross the line every single time.
The End
Story Notes: Spoilers: All Episodes of Season Six
Author's Note: This is the seventh piece of my series "Journals". It ollows "Journals – Season 5". This story is not betaed so all mistakes are mine.
Author's Note: This is the seventh piece of my series "Journals". It ollows "Journals – Season 5". This story is not betaed so all mistakes are mine.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]