When Sam woke she seemed to ache from the top of her head to the tip of her toes. Muscles and bruises screamed at her as she carefully tried to move, but she soon realised there was an obstacle in her path: one General Jack O'Neill. He stirred a little and then stilled again.
Sam knew she should get her muscles moving, and probably slowly, so attempted to extricate herself from under his arm without disturbing him. The idea of Jack O'Neill's arms appealed, in theory, and they had seemed a very appropriate safe haven the night before. In the cold light of day, however, and after the events of the previous night, she needed some distance to think.
She was worried that Jack might take things into his own hands and try to avenge her. If he did, he could get into serious trouble and Sam didn't want that, or to see Pete harmed. Jack didn't know the whole truth about what had happened between her and Pete and Sam felt guilty, but was reluctant to confess her stupidity. Ashamed, she feared that Jack might think less of her, and that would be intolerable.
Her thoughts turned to what Jack had confessed about his feelings. She was pleased that he still held those feelings but he had been right to believe that nothing could happen between the two of them; not yet, but at least there was hope for the future.
This wasn't the best of times, but she needed a friend and he was the best friend a woman in trouble could ever have. It was obvious that they both wanted more but there was no way Jack would let that happen, not until they were free of the obstacles that stood between them: her marriage and the regulations that kept them apart. There was probably way more baggage than that to deal with but, if they could surmount those two major barriers, it would be a start.
"Carter," Jack mumbled as his eyes opened, "morning."
"Morning sir."
He pulled back and took a look at her, a small smile turning up the corners of his mouth and making his face dimple a little.
'My, he is so handsome,' she thought.
"You don't look so great. How're ya feeling?" he asked.
"I don't feel so great. I ache all over."
"Okay, stay there and I'll run you a bath."
"You don't need…"
"Yes I do. I'm gonna look after you, Sam," he interrupted, leaning over to kiss her gently on the forehead.
"Sir…"
"Shhh… it can wait."
Although reluctant to get up because he loved the idea of waking next to Sam, Jack swiftly swung out of bed, padded along to the bathroom, and let the bath water run hot, filling the tub with soothing foam.
"Hope she likes the smell of this stuff," he muttered to himself, wondering if it was too masculine. Then he laughed. What the hell did it matter? She needed to soak those muscles and bruises and the smell was optional. He was fresh out of lady's toiletries. Returning to the bedroom, he knocked on the door.
"You decent?" he asked.
"Come in."
Sam was sitting on the edge of the bed in his robe looking worse for wear, but damned sexy in Jack's view, and he restrained his inclination to drool. Now was so not the time.
"We need to talk sir," she said as he entered.
"What is it Sam?"
"About us."
"No, we don't need to talk about that right now. In fact now is probably the worst time possible. No hasty or rash decisions or judgements, okay?" he countered and she nodded agreement. He was probably right. "Rain check?" he asked.
"Sure. It can wait," Sam replied, sincerely hoping that it could. This morning she was more than a little confused, about her feelings for Jack, her husband and the previous night's events. She needed coffee to kick-start her brain.
"I'll make coffee and you can drink it in the bath if you like," he said as if reading her thoughts.
"That would be good, sir."
Jack ambled down the hall into the kitchen and Sam went to the bathroom to check on the bath. It looked and smelled inviting, the scent reminding her of Jack and making her senses run riot, but it wasn't quite ready so she joined him to the kitchen. He turned when he heard her and smiled.
"It won't be long," he said.
"Nor will the bath."
"Stay in there for as long as you like. No hurry for anything."
"Okay."
"When you surface I'll make us some breakfast."
"You have food that's edible?" she smirked.
"Hah! Cute, Carter. Yesterday, I shopped. Must have known you were coming." He studied her for a while and added, "Sam, I'm here if you want me. My shoulder is yours, whenever. Talk, no talk – whatever you need."
Instinctively he knew that she had withdrawn from him and there was no way he was pushing anything with her. Not normally known for his patience, Jack was prepared to wait a lifetime for this woman and go in very slow motion if that was what she needed. Sam needed time and, frankly, so did he. She was a married woman, and then there was their work and regulations, plus a whole heap of other stuff that bothered him.
There was so much wrong about the situation and, although Sam was probably right that they needed to talk about their relationship, now was not the time. What Jack really needed to do was talk about her and Pete. However distasteful that discussion might be, Sam had to face up to certain responsibilities, and so did Jack, who had done quite a bit of thinking while Sam was sleeping in his arms – wrong on way too many levels, which meant that Jack was not entirely a happy camper that morning.
"Thank you sir," she said, sensing some of what he might be thinking about keeping more distance between them, and gratefully walking towards him to plant a light, but strictly platonic, kiss on his cheek.
"You're welcome Carter," he grinned.
Sam disappeared for a long while with a pot of coffee and Jack sat thoughtfully while drinking his own strong brew, wondering what lay in their future and telling himself to play it by ear. He was also getting increasingly angry as he pondered what her husband had done to her the previous night. On the other hand, he knew that Sam was culpable too. In Jack's book there was no excuse that justified beating up your wife but, by her own admission, she had married the man under false pretences and, if Pete had figured that out, as seemed likely, it had to hurt real bad.
What really irked him was that he could have stopped it, but he'd been too stubborn and stupid to accept what she'd said when she'd dropped by just before their wedding. Cold feet? Sheesh! The fact was that he hadn't wanted to believe her. He'd been hurting too much to acknowledge her feelings and was too damned principled to steal another man's bride to be, but he should have known, so he was culpable too.
Jack couldn't quite believe that he was feeling sorry for Pete, but he was. Pete loved her but Sam had treated him badly. His pity, however, turned to anger when he recalled the bruises he'd seen Sam sporting.
"Son of a bitch!" he cursed, yearning to seek a violent retribution. 'Whatever you do, don't get angry with Sam,' he thought, 'that's the last thing she needs right now, O'Neill, so cool it!'
Meanwhile, Sam luxuriated in the long hot bath, trying to sooth her aches and pains - but some pains can't be soothed by hot water. When she re-joined him in the kitchen, they both kept their own counsel, making small talk as he cooked a breakfast of scrambled eggs, bacon and lots of toast. Sam wasn't sure how hungry she was but when he put the plate in front of her, she wolfed it down, while Jack sat near by and ate his portion at a much more leisurely pace, surreptitiously glancing at Sam with some concern about what might follow. At that moment he was determined to keep things as light-hearted as possible.
"You make good scrambled eggs," she commented.
"There aren't that many things I cook well, but that's one of them."
"I can't even taste any beer," she joked and Jack laughed.
"I don't use beer for everything, only for almost everything."
"Mmm… they remind me of my dad's scrambled eggs," she declared.
"Really?" Jack wasn't sure whether that was a good or bad thing, "He made good eggs?"
"The best."
"Then I guess I'm flattered."
"You should be."
Jack found himself smiling inanely in response to her praise. Despite the circumstances and the dark thoughts that lurked within, sitting in his kitchen eating breakfast with Sam Carter felt pretty damned good and he continued on the egg theme, a cheery banter that would do both of them some good.
"So, are they better?" he asked and she eyed him mischievously, a big smile on her face.
"I told you, they're good. As for better, well it would be too disrespectful to the memory of dad's eggs to say."
"That means they're better," Jack said with a grin and Sam shrugged, not willing to confirm or deny that assumption.
"You're mad with Pete, aren't you?" she asked on a more serious note and Jack was caught unawares by her sudden change of topic. "Despite the smile, I can see the anger skulking under the surface."
"Ack! Maybe you know me too well. Of course, I'm angry. Go figure!" he replied, voice firm and level and hiding his tumultuous emotions.
"I know you want to protect me, Jack, and to avenge me, and I understand, but it's my fight."
"Sam, you know how important you are to me. I can't just sit by and…"
"You have to promise me."
"Promise you?"
"That you won't go barging over there and beat the hell out of him."
"I can't…"
"Yes you can and you will. No way am I letting you get into trouble because of him, or me."
"You're trying to protect me?" he responded in an incredulous tone.
"From yourself. Sometimes you need it."
"I do?"
"I've been doing it for years."
"You have?"
"In my own small way."
"Really?"
"Really."
"Maybe one day I might have to ask you to explain that."
"And maybe one day I will but, meanwhile, you have to promise."
"Sam…"
"Please, sir. Don't give me something else to worry about."
He regarded her seriously and, although he didn't really want to make that promise he still did, but with his own rules.
"All right, I promise, but if he lays another finger on you that promise is null and void. I'm not standing by and watching that happen. And if he comes for me, all bets are off too."
Sam could hear his reluctance and hesitation and understood it very well but was satisfied with that promise. In some ways she was sorry that she had to make him do it, as she knew that such a promise was against his better, and also darker, nature. However, she needed that reassurance.
Her husband, her fight, her rules. It was as simple as that. Jack would just have to learn to live with it and she knew that he would want to keep his promise, despite that it flew in the face of everything he yearned to do. He was a man of action and it was going to be hard for him not to act as his gut told him to, although Sam didn't know that his gut was telling him a whole lot more and he was still considering how to tackle that.
"Okay," she said, simply.
"Okay?"
"Sure."
"Right."
Jack needed to vent his anger but had nothing to vent it on. It was frustrating. If someone hurt Sam they hurt him and he wanted to lash out. He'd have to find another outlet, but he didn't want that to be Sam, although he was angry with her too. He had to have it out with her but was struggling to find the right words. She'd been through a lot and she didn't deserve to have him appear to turn against her, no matter how wrong she might be.
"Jack, I need to go back to my place," Sam declared, breaking the pause in their conversation, and he looked at her aghast.
"I don't think so."
"I need clothes and stuff, and to speak to Pete, if he's there."
"Is that a good idea?"
"I don't know, but I need to do it anyway."
His eyes drilled into her and he could see by the set of her jaw that she was adamant, wondering what she had been thinking while in the bath, and he nodded acquiescence because he knew she had to talk to her husband. Deep down, that was what Jack wanted her to do, sort it all out with Pete.
"I'll come with you. Run you over there in the truck," he offered.
"My car's outside…"
"I'll run you over there anyway."
She could see that he was equally determined. He wanted to protect her and she liked that, but she needed to confront Pete alone.
"Okay, but when we get there you wait in the truck."
"You think I'm gonna let you go in there alone?" Jack asked, eyes widening with dismay at her request.
"I can handle myself."
"Then why didn't you do that last night, Carter?" he asked, and Sam eyed him sheepishly, shrugging.
"I don't really know what happened. I told you, he was too fast; he surprised me."
"That's bullshit! I know what you're capable of. You could defend yourself against him." She couldn't bring herself to look at him and he gently clasped her chin and turned her head to face him. "You didn’t tell me everything did you? Tell me, Sam, or I am so not gonna let you go and face him alone."
"If you come with me it will only make things worse. You aren’t his favourite person."
"As if I care about his opinion," Jack said sarcastically but, seeing Sam’s askance look, added, "Sam, it's the things getting worse idea that bothers me. I don't want to be taking you to a hospital, or him come to that." Sam had expected him to feel differently and wondered what he'd been thinking, "You must be hurting like hell this morning and I have no intention of letting him hurt you again."
"No! You promised that you wouldn’t start anything with him."
"I'm not going to do that unless he starts something. I promised and even if I hadn't that's the right thing to do," Jack replied, surprising her once again.
"What's on your mind, Jack?" she asked bluntly.
"On my mind?"
"I know there's something. What are you thinking?"
"I'm not sure that talking about that now is the right thing."
"Why not?"
"Because I don't know how you are going to react. Besides, you first. What are you hiding from me Sam?"
She stared at him silently for a long time before she spoke, gathering her thoughts.
"Have you ever considered that I deserved to be punished?" she said as if that was an explanation he could accept. It wasn't, or not totally, and she might have known although she was taken aback by his next words.
"That might well be true. Look, Sam, I don't believe that he should have beaten you. No you don't deserve that. I also don't believe that your self-esteem could ever sink to such a low that you would meekly stand by and just let him get away with it, so I know you're hiding something. But, you did him a huge disservice by marrying him when you didn't truly love him, so the guy is hurting like hell. That is something I understand, and I need to know more because you are culpable, at least in part, and surely you know that."
"Jack!" She was shocked, but also knew that his words held more than just a ring of truth.
"Crap! That didn't come out sounding like I wanted it to, but it is true that Pete is an injured party in all of this mess too isn't it?"
"You're angry with me, not Pete?" Sam asked in dismay.
"I'm angry with both of you." Jack said as evenly as possible, hating that he'd distressed her, but realising that she had to face up to it. Although he might have chosen a gentler approach, and had been thinking about exactly how to put his thoughts to her, he wasn't renowned for his subtlety with words. "I'm sorry," he added, "I didn't want to upset you, but… crap!"
Sam was considering his words carefully and, although disturbed by them, recognised the truth too. She stared at her feet, feeling embarrassed as she spoke.
"You're right, Jack. I deserve far worse for loving you and marrying him, for hurting both of you so badly, and for giving up on us: for all of that. I really did believe I could make a go of it with Pete, be happy and make him happy too. I genuinely thought that it could be perfect, that I could make it perfect.
"I guess maybe I had this idealised vision of what it would be like and the marriage just couldn't live up to that. Pretty dumb, huh, but I never was great with relationships. He loved me and I so desperately needed and wanted someone to do that, which makes me sound pathetic. And I loved him in my own way too, just not like I loved you and always had loved you!"
"You shouldn't have married him," Jack responded bluntly.
"I know that. It was cruel, but not deliberately. Surely you believe that. I can't bear for you to think me that calculatingly callous. It seems awful to have married him because you were unattainable, but it wasn't really like that. I suppose it seems that way, but I was so fond of Pete and loved his company and-and… I don't know, it all went wrong somewhere; although I tried to make it work but I guess I never really stood a chance of doing that. I suppose that means Pete isn't the villain of the piece and I am."
"No, Sam, it takes two to pull a marriage apart. I don't think you're calculatingly callous. Of course not. So you tried?"
Jack had to probe further because he was uneasy about the vision of Sam painted by this mess she had made of three lives, and the powerful feelings he had for her simply weren't enough to allow him to ignore that. He needed explanations; time to think and adjust, and to find his own closure in the chaos. What had seemed so simple the previous night had become way more complex on closer analysis.
"Of course I tried," she replied.
"Tell me about it?"
She regarded him with a slight frown, uncertain how to explain in a way that he might understand. Jack could see that she was discomfited by the conversation because she squirmed in her chair, and he was too, but remained unusually still as he sat and waited for her to explain.
*
His unusual stillness just made Sam all the more self-conscious because it was so unlike Jack, who normally spoke with his hands and body language as much, if not more, than with words.
"You want to believe in me Jack? I'm probably not worthy of that," she ventured after a long pause, her voice low and filled with a sadness that tore at Jack's heart. Sam suddenly seemed to find the tabletop really interesting, unable to meet his eyes.
"I do believe in you Sam and I doubt that will ever change," he said, trying to be supportive. "Just because I'm angry doesn't mean… please tell me."
"We were happy for a while, or so it seemed. Pete was attentive and loving and just what I needed in my life. I thought I'd moved on, from you," she glanced at him from under her lashes when she said that but Jack remained looking stoical, "although I guess he thought different. I never even realised that he suspected I had feelings for you. Jeez I can be so dumb for someone who's meant to have brains. And he wanted a real wife. I don't think I was ever that so I'm not sure I ever cut it for him. His bad moods about my work worsened and he was jealous of you and started accusing us of having an affair. Last night he accused me of marrying him so no one would suspect that I was carrying on with you."
"What?" he reacted with annoyance at last, "That's nuts! Doesn't he know you at all?"
"I didn't help the situation. At first I tried to make him believe, but he didn't. So our arguments increased and my patience with them wore so thin that in the end I would deliberately provoke him. The irony is that, if he had only believed me, we might have been happy."
"He didn't believe you because it wasn't true, was it? He saw through a lie."
"I suppose that's right. Poor Pete. I'm not a terrible person, Jack. Please don't think that." Her eyes rose to meet his, hopeful that his expression might bring her comfort but it didn't.
"I can't say this whole thing makes me happy, Sam, but I could never truly believe that of you." He looked pained at what he was about to say and she caught a small glimpse of that as it flittered over his face, dreading his words. "You've done wrong and you have to make it right." Those words were emphatically expressed and she winced.
"How? It can never be right now. I don't love him and I can't, not anymore."
"I don't know what you do. All I know is that you can't just leave it there. You probably do have to talk to him about it and try to work something out, try to lessen his pain and resentment, explain. I don't know. How the hell should I know how you do that? Does he still love you, Sam?"
"I-I think so, despite everything."
"But he will end up hating you and I'm betting you don't really want him to do that. Tell me what happened last night? What have you been hiding?"
He was still disbelieving of the fact that she didn’t seem to have defended herself. Sam couldn’t blame him because he knew her better than that. She didn’t really want to start their relationship with a lie. They’d lied to each other too much already, often by omission, but not always.
Sam respected Jack, and loved him, and if they were ever going to make a relationship work between them it had to be based on truth and trust. Although she had tried to tell him, she still feared how he might react to the truth when the full realisation of it came.
"You don’t believe I deserved to be beaten by him and you don't believe that what I've told you is a good enough reason for letting him get away with it?"
"No. Please tell me Sam." Just like her, he was sick of lies. It was time for truth, from both of them. "Don't start this thing off between us, or whatever there night be between us in the future, with lies. You should never have to lie to me. Trust me."
She looked into his eyes and saw so much emotion written there, from love through to anger, sorrow and pain, and her heart stuttered. He was hurt by the fact that she wasn’t telling him everything. The man wasn’t stupid; he knew something was wrong and it was obvious to him that she was hiding important details. Sam wanted to reach out to him but couldn't because she might become overwhelmed by her emotions and she didn't want that to happen again when she needed to be strong and resolute.
But she also needed to love Jack freely and openly and couldn't do that with the shadow of Pete looming over her. She had to rid herself of those pent up feelings of resentment towards her husband for what he had put her through, and let them go. Only then could she free herself to do as she had always wanted and give herself to Jack, heart and soul. That wouldn't be easy to do either, but she had to try.
"I already tried to tell you, but you are going to think me such an idiot. You have to promise me you won’t get mad."
That comment served to make Jack all the more desperate to know what she was hiding and he was unhappy with the idea that she was reluctant to tell him. He needed to know.
"I'm already mad," he said in a low tone that belied that anger. More than anything he wanted to take her in his arms and hold her close, but sensed it was the wrong thing to do, and that merely added to his frustration. "But no matter what you might think, or even what I might think, I will support you Sam."
Jack struggled with the urge to reach out his hand and brush her cheek, hating that need to restrain his natural inclination to protect, comfort and avenge. Sam could sense that struggle and was saddened that she'd forced all of this onto him while being thankful that he was willing to exercise that self-restraint for her.
Giving a little, she smiled weakly, reaching over the tabletop, taking his hand and squeezing it gently. Anything more might have destroyed her resolve, but at least she could give him that one small thing.
"I hope so," she said and Jack saw the fear in her eyes, wondering why she was scared of what he might think. Despite the qualms these events had raised he knew that, after all the years he had known her, what he had witnessed and what they had been through together, it would take a lot for him to totally lose the respect, admiration and love he felt for this woman. It appeared that she might not have that same confidence in his feelings.
"So tell me. Please. I thought you trusted me," he urged gently.
"Of course I trust you, sir. This has nothing to do with trust. I just…don't want you to lose it, or for me to lose you."
"Now why would that happen? I am not letting you out of this house until you tell me, Carter."
He noticed that they kept reverting to the usual sirs and Carters, despite an effort by both of them not to. Old habits were hard to break. He kind of liked calling her Carter, and the 'sir' had some titillating possibilities for the future, all of which he firmly suppressed because now was so not the time to be thinking about that. The here and now had to be dealt with first and the future could wait because it had to for now. What were a few more weeks or even months after so many years?
"You'll try to stop me?" she challenged.
"If I have to."
"Jack, I know you won't hurt me so how could you stop me?
"Sam, for crying out loud, please!"
"I told you, I was shocked when he came at me, he surprised me."
Jack silently waited for her to continue because he knew that wasn't all of it. When it finally came, the words tumbled out quickly as if in one breath.
"We'd been trading insults and you know what it can be like when you argue. You aren't logical, you aren't thinking. In my fury I was taunting him about you, General Jack O'Neill the great leader and hero, and that's when I told him you were twice the man he ever was. How could I have said all of that? It was vindictive, spiteful. I drove him to it, the final straw. If he believes I'm having an affair with you, how would me saying that make him feel? As soon as I said it I regretted it but I couldn't take it back. I was so unfair, and unkind.
"I was totally stunned by what I'd said, that I could be such a cold, nasty bitch, and felt realy guilty because I knew my so called perfect, idealised marriage was falling apart and my world was collapsing. He came at me so quickly and I was distraught and wasn't thinking straight and-and… I think I really did believe that I deserved it. I knew right then that I'd failed at the one thing I wanted to be right and perfect – my marriage. I had wanted it all; the great career, the loving husband, and to be the perfect wife. That failure was my fault and I knew it. Everything was down to me! Maybe I wanted him to punish me; maybe I was too stunned to react. I don't know, Jack, but I just shut myself down and let him get on with it. My fault, damn it!"
Finally, she gave way to her emotions and started to sob, feeling like a fool, and Jack reached over to touch her comfortingly, but she drew away from him hastily.
"Please don’t," she pleaded, "I’m not sure I can deal with your sympathy right now."
"Sam…"
"Please, Jack, I hate you seeing me like this! You think I want you of all people to witness my total failure? I never should have come here!" Once again, Sam found something on the tabletop to divert her attention, unable to look at him because she was fearful of his reaction.
Jack sucked in a deep breath thinking that she was asking too much of him. How could Sam expect him to exercise that much self-control? First he had to reign in his fury, and the desire to commit a violent act and seek retribution. Then she expected him to suppress his natural desire to take her into his arms and console her. He wasn’t sure he was strong enough for that.
It was hard for Jack to see her that way and know how she was feeling: the self-blame, guilt and sense of failure. He understood something about how that felt because, although it might not have been in the same circumstances, Jack remembered his self-loathing and blame during the terrible events of his son's death and the collapse of his marriage to Sara. He'd been guilty of destroying both the people he'd loved more than anything in the world and it had come close to crushing him. He had failed miserably as both a father and husband.
"Don't say that. This is exactly where you should have come. But how can I…? How can you…? Sam, I… Crap!" Jack exclaimed, no longer able to sit still. Abruptly, he rose from his chair as Sam replied.
"I’m sorry. I know I’m asking a lot."
"Too much, Carter," he responded, starting to pace around the room, his hands beginning to gesticulate expressively, at last, in normal O'Neill fashion. "I’m only human. Jeez, you're talking to the king of the screw up! Think I don't know how failure feels? I wrecked my marriage. I was to blame for all of that. I can’t bear for you to go through something like that, or to see you like this. You are stronger than that, way stronger than I am." He stopped pacing and leaned against kitchen sink, looking at her desperately and mentally willing her to look at him.
Her tears had subsided and Sam finally plucked up the courage to meet his eyes. Although the anger was still there, they were filled with profound distress and so much more. She was surprised to see they'd become slightly watery and he was making a supreme effort not to give way to that emotion.
That expression in his face, and the words he'd just spoken, touched her deeply and she gave way to her suppressed desires, getting up, approaching him and then taking him into her arms and pulling him close. He returned the embrace, welcoming its comfort, and they silently swayed in each other's arms, both fighting an almost overwhelming need to sob.
Sam was determined that she would shed no more tears and knew that Jack wouldn't cry because he was Jack. She had believed he might think her weak and pathetic but he imagined she was strong, stronger than him. He was wrong about that but it wasn't the moment to correct him; it was the moment to say nothing and just hold on as tightly as she could.
"I need more coffee," she said eventually, trying to bring a semblance of normality back to the situation.
Although reluctant, in part, to let her go, he managed to make that effort and said nothing more as he made a fresh pot. Jack was as much in need as Sam to do something ordinary to divert his emotions and relieve the tension. She sat down again and watched him in silence, loving him more than ever. He was such a handsome and sexy man: the way he moved, the ripple of muscle under his t-shirt, the sensual hands making the coffee. It was a joy to watch and he was a pleasure to be with.
She wanted to stay there with him forever, but that wasn't possible until she was rid of her shadow. Sam knew that now, and so did Jack. They weren't there yet, not by a long way, but they'd get their moment and there would be no more hiding behind duty and regulations and locking things in that room. She was determined to get what she really wanted and damn the cost.
'Whatever it takes,' she thought.
"Huh?" he asked, turning towards her.
"I didn't say anything."
"Oh, I just thought…"
"I was watching you," she explained, thinking he must have sensed her blatant ogling.
"Oh. That must be pretty dull," he smiled.
"Not in the least. Quite the reverse"
"Cool!" the smile turned to a broad grin, which lit her heart.
"You're so handsome," she declared to his surprise. He looked faintly embarrassed and that amused her, and the small shy smile that appeared on his face made her heart flutter.
"I-I, erm, thank you," he replied quietly, handing her some coffee and sitting down. "Sam I love you. I said it and it's too late to take it back, and I wouldn't even if I wanted to because I meant it. I want to be with you very much, you know that don't you?" She nodded agreement.
"But?" she queried.
"You think there's a but?"
"Lots of them."
"Yeah, way too many actually. I don't want to make any mistakes with us. It's… you're too important to me. The timing's a little off, don't you think? Now isn't the right time to be talking about it, or even thinking about it."
"I know, but I can't stop myself from thinking about it."
"Neither can I. Go figure!"
"But we don't have to talk about it, or even act on it. Not yet. Not until you feel comfortable about it."
"It's not that…"
"I know. I guess the day after I was beaten up by my husband and wrecked my marriage so isn't the time, right?"
He dropped his gaze and she could see his lips pursing again with pent up rage he felt about what had happened. Then he raised his eyes to search hers and took her hand in his.
"No, not really," he agreed, "Friends, okay? Neither of us is ready for the rest of it."
"You are such a good man Jack," she noticed him shake his head in denial and continued, "You really are the best. The best friend anyone could ever hope for or need. I think I love you more right now than I ever have. Thank you. I'm so glad I came here last night."
He was silent for long moments, choked up with emotion and considering her words before he spoke again.
"Oh? I thought you were regretting that," he responded and Sam shook her head in denial.
"I was worried you'd think less of me, but you don't seem to."
"Maybe you don't know me as well as I thought," he said. "I'm pleased you came to me when you needed a friend and I'll always be here for you, whatever you need Sam, and whenever you need it. And I'll always love you - more than that, respect you." In her eyes, he saw the satisfaction those words provided. "I hope you can turn to me whenever you're in trouble, or even when you're not. You are never going to lose me. Understand?"
She smiled, smoothing his face with her fingers, and he gently grasped her hand, kissing her palm and holding it to his lips for the longest time while staring into her eyes. The unspoken words exchanged between them in that moment meant more than anything they had spoken aloud up until then and Jack's heart soared with joy. Leaning forward, he kissed her forehead and softly ran his hand through her hair.
"I-I think I need to go to my place now, Jack."
"Are you sure you want to do that? I know you need to some time, but isn't it too soon?" he asked and she shook her head. "And you still want me to wait in the truck?" She nodded. "Okay, I promised so I guess I haven't got much choice. I'm just pleased you'll let me come with you. At least I'll be there."
"Ready to rush to my rescue?"
"Something like that, although I doubt you'll need that. I know you can look after yourself. As I said, you’re a strong woman, Sam, both physically and mentally. You'll be okay."
"I'm glad you have faith in me."
"Always have."
"And I've always been grateful for that because I know it means something coming from you and that means a lot to me." She paused to consider her next words. "After Pete left the house, I lay there for quite a while before I could move, devastated because I knew my marriage was over, although I guess I knew that already but just didn't want to admit it. Yes, I blamed myself for everything, but now I'm beginning to realise that not all the fault was with me. Pete is responsible too. I think we need to talk about that so we can both bury our ghosts as quickly as possible. It could take a while for that to happen, but I need to make a start."
His hands stilled as she spoke and she could feel the tension in them, and placed a hand over his in her hair, rubbing his fingers with her thumb.
"I guess you do because if you don't we won't stand a hope in hell and one of these days I want a real life with you, if that’s possible," he said and Sam smiled, briefly kissing him.
"I’m not going to argue with that," she said. "So you wait in the truck whatever, okay?"
"What, and after you've beaten the crap out of him we drive off into the sunset like Bonnie and Clyde?" he joked.
"More like Thelma and Louise."
Jack was still trying to comprehend these events and sympathised with Sam's position and emotions: her feelings of failure, loss and self-blame. Deep down, however, he was still angry and feeling used. He didn't want to be an excuse for the failure of her marriage to Pete, although Jack realised there was way more to his feelings than simply that and there was a riot of thought and emotion running through his head.
Those profound and resentful feelings meant that the two of them still had a big mountain to climb and he figured it was probably worth the effort. Now was not the time to have all of this out, so he firmly suppressed those thoughts in the knowledge that they could not lie dormant forever. He would have to tackle them eventually if he and Sam were to stand any chance at that life he so wanted to spend with her. For now he decided that all of that should wait so was resolutely jocular.
"Hey, do you mind? Which one am I?" he smirked, trying to lighten the mood, which was hard as the events lay heavily on both of them. What a day this was turning out to be. What a life!
*
TE
Story Notes: Content Warnings: References to domestic violence but nothing too graphic, and use of relatively mild language
Season: 8/9
Spoilers: Episodes featuring Pete, including Affinity but not Threads
Sequel/Series Info: Sequel to Prince Not So Charming
Author’s Note: This story continues the AU theme of the first part and is written in response to the many pleas from readers for a sequel. Thanks to each and every one of you. This is probably a little different, perhaps, to what folks might have anticipated, but muses are muses and cannot be denied. I owe many thanks to Flatkatsi, who beta read this fic for me, corrected my errors and gave me her thoughts on the plot and characterisations. I believe that this is a better, more enjoyable and plausible fic because of her hard work and incisive comments. Despite her efforts, any remaining mistakes or plot errors are entirely my own.
Season: 8/9
Spoilers: Episodes featuring Pete, including Affinity but not Threads
Sequel/Series Info: Sequel to Prince Not So Charming
Author’s Note: This story continues the AU theme of the first part and is written in response to the many pleas from readers for a sequel. Thanks to each and every one of you. This is probably a little different, perhaps, to what folks might have anticipated, but muses are muses and cannot be denied. I owe many thanks to Flatkatsi, who beta read this fic for me, corrected my errors and gave me her thoughts on the plot and characterisations. I believe that this is a better, more enjoyable and plausible fic because of her hard work and incisive comments. Despite her efforts, any remaining mistakes or plot errors are entirely my own.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]