"With all due respect, sir, why is it any of your damned business?"
Sam was angry, but so was he. Their faces were blotched red with ire. She'd made it his business but that was forgotten in the heat of the moment.
"Because I'm in love with you!" he shouted; a heated retort the content of which was entirely unintended.
There it was, out in the open at last: declared, spoken, and acknowledged. He hadn't intended to say it but, in his anger and pain, Jack's subconscious had overridden his natural caution. It was true, after all, and part of the cause of his anger - pain, jealousy, and a broken heart. They were momentarily frozen in a tableau, like a couple of dummies in a shop window.
"Y-you are?" she stammered and, having shocked himself, as well as Sam, with that confession, his voice hushed to a whisper.
"I care about you, Sam. You're important to me. So now you know."
His words had taken the wind out of both of their sails. Jack was reeling from having spoken them, stunned by his failure to keep control. He shrugged helplessly, looking extremely ill at ease.
"I don't know what to say," she said after a lengthy silence during which Jack's heart hammered rapidly and his stomach churned. He felt slightly sick and prayed that he could resist the temptation to throw up.
"Then don't say anything." It was almost less than a whisper.
"Why didn't you ever tell me that before?"
"Would it have helped?"
"Yes."
"How could I have said it before? I shouldn't have said it now - especially not now."
"I gave you the chance to say it," she responded angrily.
"I know." She saw regret flicker across his face, followed by self-blame. "I was too…"
He couldn’t finish what he should have said: too hurt, too proud, too angry, and too confused – too damned stubborn and stupid. They both remembered very well that chance she had given him a couple of days before the wedding. He'd been astounded to find her on his doorstep; the last time she had ever been to his house until now. His last chance and he'd blown it.
'Dumb obstinate bastard!' he cursed inwardly.
"So turns out that Pete wasn't such a Prince Charming after all," he said aloud, "I'm so sorry, Sam."
"It was my mistake, not yours."
Jack wasn't sure he totally agreed with that statement and they both ruefully recalled her visit that night before the wedding.
That night, Sam had all but told him she loved him and Jack wouldn't have any of it. He'd thought it was simply a matter of cold feet and that she was using him as her excuse. That had hurt and, despite his feelings, he would not come between her and Pete.
He told himself it was the honorable thing to do. That was total bull! He'd just been too dim-witted and obdurate to accept her overture for what it really was. His heart had been aching too much and his defensives on high alert.
"I thought he was my Prince Charming, but he now…" Sam had said that night, "I needed… I was so desperate to love, be loved, be made love to. I needed someone to hold me in their arms…"
"And it wasn't him?" Jack had been cold and it made her shudder, but she had pressed on, her high hopes beginning to fade.
"No, I was kidding myself. It's you who have always been there: the shadow that follows me everywhere."
'And I always will be there, Sam, just not like that,' Jack had thought, suppressing the thought and answering much less charitably.
"Like an old comfy chair," he'd replied, sarcastically, "taken for granted."
"No! If it was like that do you think I would have said yes to Pete? Do you think I would be here now, asking you to…?"
"I don't know, Carter. I don't know why you said yes. I don't know why you're here."
A block of ice would have exuded more warmth. Hardly a kind word had passed his lips that night. It was almost all vitriolic, born from frustration and pain. He couldn't allow himself to waver for one second, or all would have been lost. He'd have cracked and he could not countenance that reaction.
'I only know that you did say yes, and it broke my heart,' he thought, 'it’s too late. Way too late. And this is just a fantasy: a dream born from her fear of committing. She loves Pete and they'll be fine. No more false hopes, please. Just leave me alone Sam. I can't handle this.'
She had failed to thaw him and was hurt by his rejection and apparent lack of feeling. It had been one heck of a row and she could be just as stubborn as O'Neill, just as proud. So two days later, like a fool, she had married Pete anyway, almost as if to spite Jack. Regardless of the doubts, her love for O'Neill, regardless of everything that should have warned her not to, she did it. It was probably the most stupid thing she'd ever done in her life.
Jack had been there, standing stoically at the back of the church wearing his best blank expression. He hadn't wanted to go but there is such a thing as an obligation to a friend, as well as the need to prove that he could do it. He would never let her see his pain and this was proof positive that he didn't feel anything. He'd show her what a hard, callous bastard he really was, how little it bothered him, how little he cared. Meanwhile, deep inside, he was a mess. It damned near finished him to watch it happen: to see her finally leave him, forever.
Their relationship had never been the same after that. A cool aloofness developed between them as he excluded her from the inner sanctum of his friendship as much as he possibly could. They continued to work together, but everything had changed, and he slowly withdrew from it all: the comradeship he had shared with his team; the comfort he'd found in their company; and the feeling of joy that had occasionally been his when Sam and the others were around.
Men who are about to keep their appointment with the executioner are called 'dead men walking' and Jack was one of those, but for different reasons. He was physically alive, but died inside a little each day. Daniel and Teal'c saw it happening and it pained them, but all their efforts to avert it came to nothing. They both thought they understood very well why he was withdrawing, but neither knew about that fateful night Sam had turned up at his house and how that had seemingly destroyed everything their friends had shared.
Meanwhile, Sam appeared to be happy - on the face of it. Now she was there, in his house, as if they were still friends and she popped around on a regular basis. They were arguing like friends will, or perhaps like ex-lovers will, and it was obvious they still cared very much about each other.
'Jeez, what a fool you were, O'Neill!' he chastised himself, dragging himself firmly back to the present. 'And now this. It's all your fault.'
"You have to leave him Carter," he pleaded, repeating the words that had started their earlier argument.
They'd gone full circle but, this time, her reaction to those words was different. When he'd first seen her, seen what Pete had done, Jack had flipped. Sam got defensive and argumentative. Despite the fact that she had sought him out to give her comfort when she needed it most, even after everything that had happened, she still found it hard to admit she'd been so stupid and wrong.
"And if I do, what then? Do you think you can try to control my life instead of him?" Her words cut into Jack like a knife.
"This isn't about me, it's about you! I would never do that. What do you take me for? I care about you a whole hell of a lot. I care about what happens to you. You have to leave him for you, not for me. But you're right that it's none of my damned business. You married him; you made a choice."
"We've only been married a few months."
"You think it'll get better? It won't; it never does. How could he? You're so… beautiful. I'd love to knock the bastard on his ass, and then some. You don’t deserve this. Leave him."
She had tried her best to cover the bruising on her face. When she turned up on his doorstep, Jack was astonished. Although she felt a fool, she had gravitated to his place and there had to be a reason for that. It was past one am and she'd almost knocked his door down, waking him from a restless sleep.
For a couple of seconds he'd looked angry as if asking himself what the hell she was doing there. Then he'd seen her face, the blackening eye, and the red blotchiness from having been slapped, beaten, and hit with force, as well as from the tears she’d shed. When he realised what must have happened it broke his heart.
"I deserve it. I deserve it for marrying him, for hurting you. For this whole stupid mess!"
"No one deserves that, not for any reason."
Jack was so angry, with Pete for his abhorrent behaviour, and with Sam for not seeing her husband for the man he really was, and also for marrying the man in the first place and leaving him alone. Sam couldn't blame him for being angry. He had every right to be, and to hate her, but he obviously didn't hate her. Jack loved her. He'd said so and she had no reason to doubt his word.
She had gone to Jack's in the first place because she wanted him to hold her in his arms and tell her it would be all right, but he hadn't. They hadn't touched since she arrived; only argued. Now she needed his arms to enfold her, and that love he'd confessed to so unexpectedly.
"Hold me?" she asked quietly and plaintively.
He took a deep breath, unsure of himself, and of her motives.
"Jeez Carter, you know, when someone causes you pain you lie awake hating them sometimes." Sam saw the sorrow in his eyes as he spoke but said nothing. "But then you see that someone and all you wanna do it take them into your arms and forget everything else."
He was obviously referring to her and his heartache. She thought it quite the most beautiful thing that he could have said. It was more revealing of Jack than any declaration of love.
"I-I… that's…" he added, seemingly confused, and then said, "C'mere."
He took her into those strong, reassuring arms and held her close but Sam gasped with pain and he quickly drew back.
"Where else did he hit you?" he asked looking for signs he might have missed. "Let me see." She shook her head vehemently. "Let me help you." She was embarrassed, indicating that there was further bruising under her top but that she wouldn't let him near it. "For God's sake, Carter, take off the top. I've seen a woman in a bra before." He spoke softly, encouragingly, not wishing to startle her.
Sam started to undo the buttons on her top, removing it. When he saw the bruising on her arms and torso he wanted to cry, or find Pete, give him a damned good thumping, and see how the bastard would feel to get a taste of his own medicine. Then she turned and he saw her back. It was covered with formative black and blue markings.
"Oh God!" he exclaimed, moving to touch her skin tenderly, brushing it lightly with his thumb. He bent to softly kiss her shoulders and back, as if his kiss would take the pain away. "Oh Sam, my poor beautiful Sam," he whispered, kissing her neck. "Why?" Gently, he held her against his body, not wishing to hurt her, "Why?"
"He hates what I do, my career, that I work with men I'm so close to, and that I work for you."
"He knows how I feel about you."
"How could he know when I didn't?"
"Take my word for it. He knows." Jack wasn't going to tell her about the argument he'd had with Pete, not if Pete hadn't. "He thinks I'm a threat. What a joke!"
"Why a joke?"
"You chose him. Doesn't the stupid bastard get it? You chose him. I'm just your CO."
"You know that's not true."
"Of course it is. You're married to him. What else is there?"
"I think that's why I'm here; to find out what else there is. When I was here before the wedding… that wasn't just cold feet. It meant something. It meant everything. I should never have married Pete after that. Stupid! I’m so sorry, Jack. Forgive me, please!"
He briefly stopped breathing as she stroked his forearm.
"Come with me," he said, leading her to the bathroom and opening a cupboard. "Arnica. Take some," he demanded, handing her some pills. "I'll rub in some cream."
"Arnica?"
"Homeopathic."
"Homeopathic? Isn't that a little alternative for you?" She smiled and he laughed.
"Sure, but it works. Believe me, I've lived through enough bruises to know. It helps. Shall I?"
Sam nodded and he started to massage the cream into her skin as delicately as possible. Inevitably she winced a few times but his dextrous hands smoothed over her with a touch that was like a wisp of wind. The man had great hands, a sensitive touch. She sighed.
"Kiss me?" she asked quietly.
"No," he responded in a whisper, shaking his head.
"Why not? You were just kissing my body. You can’t kiss my lips?"
"No." He shook his head again.
"I'm standing here in my bra for Christ's sake!"
"Please Carter, no."
"You said you love me."
"Maybe so, but I'm not in the habit of having affairs with married women."
Jack didn't much want to revisit the L word. Confessing his feelings had been a big mistake.
"You think that’s what I want?" she replied softly, raising her hand to his face, fingers stroking his cheek and moving towards his jaw. As they crossed his lips he stopped her caress by taking hold of her wrist and kissing her palm. "This isn’t about having a sordid affair and sneaking around behind everyone’s backs. This is…way, way more…"
He regarded her silently for a long time, confusion knitting his brow and inwardly cursing the day she had ever married that man, and that he had let her go so easily.
"I'm so sorry Sam. If I'd… maybe if… I should have… I'm gonna kick his ass so hard he won't ever sit down again!"
"You're blaming yourself?"
"No, I'm blaming him!"
"Bullshit!"
"This might never have happened. I should have… said something. I should have listened. Coulda, shoulda, woulda, that's the story of my life. Damn it, I'm a stubborn old fool!"
"You did the honorable thing and you're still doing it. I always wanted to hear you say… I needed to know how you felt."
"I wish I'd known."
"I thought you did."
"I didn't."
"I always loved you Jack." He looked slightly startled by that revelation.
"And yet… you married him."
"I didn't think I could wait forever. I thought I needed something tangible. I wasn't sure how you felt and then you seemed to make it very clear that you weren't interested. I hoped Pete was the answer. I was wrong, horribly wrong. And maybe I was just as foolish and stubborn as you were."
Jack sighed and brushed his fingers through her hair, wishing they'd spoken about all this months ago when she'd given him that one last chance. There was no point in dwelling on that. The past was the past and he had to think about the future now.
"Leave him Sam," he said and she nodded. "Not for me. For you, for this." He indicated her bruising and she nodded again.
"I didn't want to hurt you Jack." He laughed mirthlessly in response.
"I'm used to it." A sad smile appeared on his face.
"You never get used to that, and you certainly don't deserve it, especially from me. I'm sorry."
"No need. You don't owe me anything."
"You are so wrong about that. I owe you a lot. You have no idea how important you are to me."
Jack was finding it increasingly hard to maintain his equilibrium and, boy, did he want to kiss her badly. He knew that was probably the wrong thing to do, despite her earlier plea, but didn't know if he'd be able to stop himself if he stood there with her for much longer.
"You shut me out," she said softly.
"I didn't, I just…"
"Never let me in?"
"Yeah, well that's what I'm best at Carter. It's me."
"You did pretty good just now."
"A moment of weakness. You always did bring out my worst side, and my best." His crooked smile held a hint of irony.
He dipped his head, finally giving way to his overwhelming emotions, and brushed her lips with his own. She grasped the back of his head and forced him closer, urging him to deepen the kiss, which he did, parting her lips with his tongue. Sam ignored her pain, distracted by the excitement and passion.
"Whoa! That said so much more than words," she whispered when he drew away.
"Funny, I was thinkin' the same thing."
He swallowed hard, letting her go and moving away, his face reflecting inner turmoil and the obvious struggle with his emotions.
"And meanwhile in another part of the universe…" he quipped with a mocking snort, "this is more than a little unreal, don't ya think?"
"I want it to be real."
"So do I, but I can't do this." His deeply furrowed brow gave emphasis to the words. "You're married - rightly or wrongly doesn't alter the fact."
"On paper I'm married, but I belong to you. I always did."
"See, there's your mistake right there. You don't belong to anybody. You belong to you."
"I meant…"
"I know what you meant and the whole thing scares the hell out of me," he confessed.
"Jack O'Neill is scared?" She was taken aback.
"Jack O'Neill is damned petrified!" He took the tube of arnica and put some on his fingers, typically finding something else to do other than expose his feelings about anything. "I forgot to put this on your face Carter. Beats raw steak. I'd rather put that on the barbeque," he joked.
Lovingly, he smoothed his fingers over her battered face, rubbing the arnica into her bruises. Sam allowed him that moment, realising he needed a short breathing space to get it together, and then spoke again.
"Please don't try to avoid the subject Jack. What's so scary?"
Jack paused and looked into her eyes. It was a night for truth and they'd come this far. However much it might discomfort him, he had to speak his mind, at last. It was either now or maybe regret it forever.
"That we can't live up to a dream. That I love you so much that… That I'll never stop loving you, no matter what."
"I guess that's pretty scary," she said, surprised by his candour and nuzzled up to him, her head on his chest. "Are we going to stay in the bathroom all night?"
"If you like." Jack was reluctant to move because there was something special about this moment, something that would change both of their lives forever.
"I need a shower. May I?"
"I just rubbed arnica all over you. Couldn't you have showered first?" he said, rolling his eyes with amusement.
"I'm sorry. Maybe you can do it again later?" she asked. "I-I feel so… soiled. I need to get clean."
"Of course, Sam, whatever you want. A bath would be more soothing."
He empathised with her desire to cleanse herself. Guilt and self-loathing had a way of making you feel dirty. Jack knew because sometimes he'd believed he might never get clean no matter how hard he scrubbed. The main problem was that the dirt was on the inside.
"A bath would take too long. I'm tired," she answered with a yawn
"You can have one in the morning. A long hot soak."
"Will you scrub my back?" she asked with a small smile.
"Sounds good, Sam, but the last thing your back needs right now is to be scrubbed," he responded wincing at thought of her bruises.
"I'll be okay, Jack," she said, squeezing his hand.
"I know. You're pretty tough."
"I've had to be."
"We all have."
"Too tough sometimes."
"And way too often."
Briefly he stroked her cheek and smiled and then, after sorting her out some towels and a robe to wear, sat waiting in his living room ruminating the night's events. He could easily kill Pete for hurting her. If Teal'c ever found out he probably would kill him, regardless of Earth laws and customs. Jack didn't think he should tell T about it any time soon. Sam would not want her friends, her team, to know about this and if she did, it was for her to tell them.
What about Sam, and them? What about the things she'd said, that he'd said? He didn't know what to do now; was slightly lost, and that disturbed him enormously.
When Sam reappeared she sat by him on the couch and he placed an arm around her shoulder. Sam rested her head on his chest and absently stroked his arm.
"I can't go home Jack. Can I stay here?"
"I'll make up the spare bed."
"With you."
"Oh!"
"Just to snuggle. I need to snuggle Jack. I don't think I'm up to much else anyway."
"Snuggle? Sweet! I like snuggling."
He kissed the top of her head and she lifted it, sitting upright so that she could look into his eyes.
"I think I want to tell you about it. Can I?"
He nodded almost imperceptibly, torn between both wanting to know and not wanting to know. Earlier on, she hadn't really told him anything. Their conversation had too quickly turned into an argument, Jack on the offensive and Sam on the defensive - or maybe they'd been equally too defensive, which had been absurd.
Sam tried to assure him that this was the first time anything like that had ever happened and Jack knew that, if she stayed with Pete, it wouldn’t be the last. He suspected that she wouldn't be staying with Pete and he certainly hoped not. If her husband ever touched Sam again, Jack would flay the man alive. He'd set Teal'c on him, that's what he'd do, and sit back and watch with a smirk on his face and a jeer of encouragement on his lips.
"We argued a lot, we sniped at each other, he'd slapped me a couple of times and I'd slapped him back but nothing like this," she admitted. "I never thought for one minute he would do this."
"If I'd thought that bastard would ever lay a finger on you I-I'd… Damn it, Sam I should never have let you marry him. I'm such an asshole. You gave me that choice and I refused to make it."
"Please stop blaming yourself," she said taking hold of his hand. "It was me who made the choice, not you. I'm the asshole. I should never have married him. I should have waited. I should have tried harder to make you understand. I should have said I love you. Maybe you would have listened."
"You can guarantee that would have made my ears prick up," he said with an ironic smile. "So, if this is what you look like how's the other guy?" he asked, half joking, expecting that she'd fought her husband tooth and nail and surprised by her response.
"It happened so fast, I was stunned. I guess I was deliberately provoking him. He was being so loathsome, saying I should leave the SGC. I think he had hopes of me staying at home and playing little wifey. Why do some men think that a marriage certificate gives them the right to make those demands?"
Sam did not miss the irony that she was in the arms of the one man that she would willingly give it all up for. It said so much for how she felt about Jack and she knew he would never ask it of her; it would not occur to him to do so. She wondered whether Pete had known all along that she loved Jack. If he knew how Jack felt then why not how she did too?
"How did you provoke him? Nothing you did should have provoked him to do this."
"I told him you were twice the man he was ever likely to be. He got mad."
"That wasn't very, um…" he paused trying to conjure the right word, "diplomatic."
"It's true."
"Really? I think you flatter me Carter."
"I think you underestimate yourself, sir."
"O-kay. Let's get off me and back onto you, shall we?"
"He lost it. We'd been bickering all night, which happens a lot, and getting increasingly heated. When I said that he just blew. He was onto me so fast it was a blur."
She described what he'd done to her and it sickened Jack. Pete had punched, kicked and generally laid into her. She was lucky she wasn't more badly injured and he wondered if he should take her to the hospital. He knew she wouldn't want that, it was too public, and so was the infirmary at the SGC.
Jack realised that he was fortunate she had come to him. It wasn't the sort of thing that he would expect Sam to do: too private, too painful. She would hate anyone else to find out.
Sam told him that, as she lay in a heap on the floor and the front door slammed when Pete had left the house, she had dragged herself up and packed some things, taking the car and driving around for a while, ending up at Jack's, aimlessly but also with a purpose. Her subconscious had taken her to the one place she wanted and needed to be and the man she could trust above anyone else to keep her safe.
Her eyes were sorrowful but Jack saw something hard in them too. She was winning against her self-blame and loathing, the lack of self-esteem that Pete had browbeaten, and then physically beaten, into her. That pleased him immensely and he admired her for it. Some people would have felt defeated, but not Sam. It would take a while to get over it, but she would. She had done the right thing and left instead of staying and forgiving her husband over and over like so many women do.
Meanwhile… meanwhile, what? He would love and cherish her, look after her. Screw that she was married, screw Pete, and screw the regs! He'd figure it all out -he'd fix it.
When she'd finished talking, Sam curled up close to him and closed her eyes.
Jack was aware that she looked exhausted, which wasn't surprising in the circumstances. Getting beaten tended to take it out of you. He knew that from personal experience.
"Time for bed," he whispered.
"Your bed?" she said sleepily.
"Sure, if that's what you need Sam. Anything, you want; you know that."
Jack almost carried her into his bedroom and she was in a partial doze as he forced more arnica tablets down her and rubbed ointment into her bruises. By the time he'd finished she was asleep. So he lay beside her and seemingly instinctively she nestled against him, moving her arm to enfold his body in a possessive embrace. Snuggling. He was going to like snuggling with her very much indeed.
She muttered 'Jack' softly and he wasn't sure whether she was awake or not. Jack kissed her lightly on the lips and gently placed an arm over her protectively.
"I love you Sam," he whispered.
"I love you too Jack," she murmured and then he figured that she'd fallen asleep again as soon as the words left her mouth.
Those words warmed him and he settled down to sleep beside her. This was what should have been. Both of them knew it and Jack realised with certainty that, from now on, this was going to be the bed she came home to each night - his bed, their bed. Together at last: and the feelings that provoked in Jack made him a very happy man.
***********
TE
Story Notes: Content Warnings: References to violence and sex but nothing graphic
Season: 8/9
Spoilers: Episodes featuring Pete, including Affinity but not Threads
Author’s Note: 1. I originally wrote this story a while back (before Threads) and it seems a shame to waste it. So I have dusted it off, revised it, and am submitting it to meet last week's fic challenge on the As The Stargate Turns
Yahoo Group (issued on 21 Jan) to write a fic including the line "In another part of the universe..."
2. The story takes a bit of an AU view of events sometime after the S8 episode Affinity and, as far as the ship is concerned, Threads never happened.
3. As with other challenge entry fics, this story has not been beta read so I hope I haven’t made too many gaffs
Season: 8/9
Spoilers: Episodes featuring Pete, including Affinity but not Threads
Author’s Note: 1. I originally wrote this story a while back (before Threads) and it seems a shame to waste it. So I have dusted it off, revised it, and am submitting it to meet last week's fic challenge on the As The Stargate Turns
Yahoo Group (issued on 21 Jan) to write a fic including the line "In another part of the universe..."
2. The story takes a bit of an AU view of events sometime after the S8 episode Affinity and, as far as the ship is concerned, Threads never happened.
3. As with other challenge entry fics, this story has not been beta read so I hope I haven’t made too many gaffs
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]