*If I loved you - Time and again I would try to say - All I'd want you to know*
He didn't love her. Cared about her perhaps, but he didn't love her. Respected and admired her, but not love. Maybe, just maybe, he loved her as a friend, but no more so than he loved the rest of his team. He was her leader, her commander, and while he would never tell her, he was her self-appointed protector. But none of that added up to love; it was nothing more than close friendship. With the types of jobs they had, it was difficult to impossible to have relationships outside of the facility, so it was understandable how feelings of friendship could be mistaken for something else. But there was no need for confusion; he didn't love her. The two of them together? It was laughable.
*If I loved you - Words wouldn't come in an easy way - 'Round in circles I'd go*
She didn't love him. He was one of her best friends. She liked him. Alot. She respected him, admired him, but love was much to strong of a word to describe their relationship. Not that they had a relationship, of course. He was her leader, her commander, and though he kept it secret, she knew he was her protector. Had it been anyone else, she would have been offended, but not with him. There had been a time she had been sure it was love, but had later acknowledged that she was simply dedicated to getting her commanding officer home. That was it. They worked in close proximity, had saved the others life more than once; that was bound to lead to moments of confusion. But there was no need for confusion; she didn't love him. The two of them together? It was laughable.
*Longing to tell you - But afraid and shy - I'd let my golden chances pass me by*
He would watch her all the time. At the briefings, over the campfire, whenever he got the chance. He would make jokes and toss a quick glance her way to see her smile. And she would. She had a beautiful smile, one that could light up a room, and it always lit up his heart. He loved her smile, but he didn't love her.
She would watch him all the time. And had, more than once, caught him staring at her as well. She loved his jokes, loved the sound of his voice. She loved the way that his eyes lit up when he laughed, but she didn't love him.
*Soon you'd leave me - off you would go in the mist of day*
"Colonel? What are you doing here?" It was six o'clock on Saturday when Sam opened her door. The Colonel had never been to her house alone before, and the team didnt have a pre-arranged meeting. "Just.... Thought I'd drop in." She scrunched her forehead slightly as she motioned for him to enter. "Can I get you anything?" She offered, walking into the living room. "Uh, no. No, that's okay." He ran his hand nervously over the back of his neck. He didn't really know why he had come. Correction: He knew *exactly* why he had come, he just didn't know why the heck he came!! It was stupid, it was wrong. She would throw him out for sure and their friendship would be ruined. Was it worth it? He asked himself that question for the hundredth time. Was it worth it?
Sam looked at him curiously, wondering at the glazed look he had. She worried briefly that he had come to talk about *it*. The moment they had shared a few days earlier. She had berated herself a hundred times for those few seconds; it was highly inappropriate to share a moment with her commanding officer. If the C-4 hadn't blown at just the right second, however, they would have both been blown to bits by the Jaffa, so it was understandable how they had allowed it to happen. For a few short minutes of watching her Colonel frantically beat down on the force field, shouting emphatically that he *would* *not* leave her, she had known. They had danced around each other for years, neither one wanting it to develop into anything other than a flirtatious relationship. But it had, and in that one moment on Apophis' ship, she had seen in his face the shock as he realized the truth.
He was in love with her. What he didn't know is if those feelings were reciprocated. He didn't know if he should take the chance. He had argued within himself that maybe he didn't love her; maybe it was just a heat of the moment thing, but it wasn't. He had been in love with her for a long time, but had only just realized it. He still needed time to sort through his feelings. He didn't know how it could have taken him so long for his love to be brought to the forefront, but it had been. He had seen the look on her face when he wouldn't leave. She knew, perhaps had known for a long time that he had less than appropriate feelings for her. He had seen in her eye's the resignation that it was never to be. He had almost heard her screaming, "WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?!" Why had he fallen in love with her? Why did he have to complicate things? And why just then; why did it have to be just before they died when nothing could happen between them? Except... Except they didn't die, and they still couldn't have anything between them.
She had realized it long before he had. It was somewhere in those sleepless nights when he was on Edora. Janet had asked her if it was a problem, and she had denied it, but it wasn't long until she realized just how big of a problem it was. She was in love with her commanding officer. When she had gotten to Edora, and saw him go to Laira's arms, she had admitted to herself of a fantasy she had; of her going to the planet and immediately being taken into his arms. And when that didn't happen, she had felt the sting that only a woman who has loved and lost can feel. And she knew that it wasn't simply loyalty or respect that had driven her to get him home; it was love. Back on Earth, she had convinced herself that she didn't have any feelings for him; she was just tired, just needed some rest. She had buried her feelings deep inside, and had been able to do so successfully until they were trapped on opposite sides of a force field, and broke free of the stones with which she had hidden it. She couldn't deny anymore, not when she knew that he felt the same way. She desperately wanted it resolved so that they could get back to their old friendship, though she knew instinctively that it would never be the same again.
It had been a bad idea to come. he wouldn't ruin what they had, and he wouldn't jeopardize her career. He would continue to watch her back and he'd be satisfied. "I'd better go." He said bringing her out of her reverie. Sam nodded. "I'll let myself out." "Bye, Sir." She called as he left her living room. He hesitated slightly. Sir.... That was the whole reason that he was leaving. That title, and what it represented. "Bye, Carter." And that was that, he acknowledged as he walked out to his truck. Live to fight another day. No complications, just friends. So he had chickened out. It was the right choice. Now, if he could only convince himself of that.
*Never, never, to know - how I loved you - if I loved you*
The End
Story Notes: If I loved you: Warnings: none
Spoilers: Upgrades, quick mention of A Hundred Days.
Season: Between Upgrades and Divide and Conquer
Authors Note: I have posted two versions of this fic; one is character death, the other(this one) is not. I had written the first part of this story ages ago, and really wanted to use it, however, when I started writing the other night, my muse decided without consulting me first to write a death fic. ick. I think that it turned out alright, but I wanted to write an alternative ending because I liked the first part of this story so much. So, I've written 'If I Loved You: Golden Chances', and 'If I Loved You: Time and Again'. If you read both stories, please let me know which one you liked better, and even if you just read one, let me know anyway!! I live on feedback, and would appreciate anything and everything that you have to say. Enjoy.
Copyright: Jessica Rodgers March 2004
Spoilers: Upgrades, quick mention of A Hundred Days.
Season: Between Upgrades and Divide and Conquer
Authors Note: I have posted two versions of this fic; one is character death, the other(this one) is not. I had written the first part of this story ages ago, and really wanted to use it, however, when I started writing the other night, my muse decided without consulting me first to write a death fic. ick. I think that it turned out alright, but I wanted to write an alternative ending because I liked the first part of this story so much. So, I've written 'If I Loved You: Golden Chances', and 'If I Loved You: Time and Again'. If you read both stories, please let me know which one you liked better, and even if you just read one, let me know anyway!! I live on feedback, and would appreciate anything and everything that you have to say. Enjoy.
Copyright: Jessica Rodgers March 2004
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]